What should I do?

[cyrus]

You Said it...

I gotta say Riku, call me the pessimist, but I see nothing good coming of this. If you want to go down, hang out, maybe kiss a little or something, then I say unless she hooks up with a another guy in the 4 month waiting period (and she probably will, with at least one, if not more), you'll be in the clear.

However, if you want to start some kind of relationship with her, you should start beating that thought out of your head immediately. Beat it out with an iron pole if you have to. Long distance relationships for any amount of time, for any maturity level, will have negative effects all the way around. There is too much temptation. And why shouldn't there be? Unless you subscribe to the asinine idea of there being only one person out there who was meant for you, it just doesn't make sense to put that kind of stress on either one of you.

Let's consider for a moment that most couples, typically speaking, have met most, if not all, of their significant others, within a 25 mile radius of where they were at the time. It is no coincidence. There are many fish in the sea, and many people are quite alike one another. It is not unlikely that you could find someone you could live with for the rest of your life within 25 miles of where you are sitting right at this very moment.

The question becomes, what makes this one so special? I'll tell you what does without having known much of anything about either one of you. The reason is, she is the now. She isn't the past fling, she isn't the future crush you don't have yet, she is the current, and therefore most appealing thing you have out there at this particular moment. Your brain is sending all kinds of chemicals at you for one basic purpose, it wants to fulfill its basic need to mate (whatever reason that is). I know it's not the most romantic notion in the world, but if you ask me, it's basically fact. I've been through a few relationships, some more serious than others, even one where I considered marriage. The fact was, after time the message became clear: if you're not going to mate with this person, I'm going to stop sending out those confusing chemicals that make you think you're in love. My body was telling me this, and pretty clearly I might add.

I'm not saying that sex is the only driving factor in a relationship, in fact, I think it is one of the lowest. What I am saying, however, is that it is typically the first one. You get all of these screwed up feelings that make you fall head over heels, and depending on how hard you're being hit this time, you might even be saying to yourself, I'd walk the distance just to go see her. The fact is, it might be true. But it's just for the sex.

In a relationship you go through a few stages, and I'm going to try to be brief with them here.

These apply to mainly boys only. Girls have their own stages, which are often similar, but not quite.

Stage 1 - Confusing, mushy, romantic stage. This is where your body starts sending out those stupid chemicals. You see a girl, and your body says BABIES! But, it doesn't tell you this. Instead, you are left struggling to fight off a barrage of emotions that typically, you're not all to sure why you're feeling. You start feeling in "love". You can usually tell when you are in this stage because often times you'll start calling it "love" (even if it's just in your head) far too soon for you to logically have fallen in love.

Stage 2 - Please touch my no-no spot! This is the sexual stage, often coupled right along with stage 1. This is where your bodies signals start becoming a little clearer. My opinion is that your body tries to confuse you with false feelings of love so that you don't feel so guilty when actually trying to get into the pants of someone you barely know. Typically when you reach this stage, you stop so much thinking about said person all day long, and start daydreaming about them instead (if you get where I'm going with this). This stage is often recognized by the constant "battle of the bulge" us men have.

Stage 3 - Please touch it again!... I'll buy you dinner?! This is the second sexual stage, the one where touching her boobies doesn't make you cream yourself anymore. Well, not as easily at least. Typically this is where you really want to start getting dirty, and usually don't mind saying so. You usually temporarily stop thinking about her as a person at times, and just think about bending her over. You spend most of your waking moments thinking about it, until you get it. Once you get it, you spend most of your time trying to get more.

Stage 4 - Now what? So, you've gotten in her pants, probably a few times by now. But... now what? This is often where you start looking at other girls, flirting with them, essentially moving on. Your mind may not be ready to move on yet, but usually your body is. Now you're really getting confused. Sure, you still probably like the person you've been with thus far, but what about so-in-so from around the block? She seems pretty cool too. You've already accomplished your biological goal here, so why are you staying? You try to justify love, and so far, it's pretty much working, but there's still that feeling of doubt.

I've found from my experiences that this stage is usually where paranoia strikes. You start wondering what the other person is doing, and with whom. Is she out there getting freaky with another boy? Why did she get to your house 10 minutes later than she said she was going to... why isn't she answering her phone that you've called 28 times in a row, 6 of those times leaving messages? In my opinion, this is your minds way of justifying your bodies feeling of wanting to move on. This is where you typically find out whether or not you two have something real there besides just sex.

Stage 5 - Time to make a choice. This is the stage where you decide whether or not you two have any common ground to stand on. This is when you decide whether or not you still want to be with this person.

A long distance relationship often takes a serious toll on people, especially in stage 4. It's really easy to be paranoid if you can't see where that person is at all times. If you can't account for the days that she isn't online, or didn't write back, or hasn't called, you start thinking that maybe she is with another man, and not to feed that paranoia, but that is a serious possibility. This is also the point where you, yourself, start looking more and more at the other girls, especially the ones who aren't so far away. Not to mention the fact that you're looking elsewhere helps feed the paranoia that she might be also.

I can make a list that goes on for a long, long time, but I have to work in the morning, and right now, this is a fairly good start. Maybe tomorrow I'll post more, but I'm too tired right now.

I just recommend that you really don't think about this too long. Just try and get her out of your mind as a possible mate. Until one of you moves closer to the other, there's very little hope. I wouldn't go moving out near her either, it'll just mess up your life if things don't work out. Remember, the divorce rate is right around 50% right now (in the US at least) and there's a reason for that. Part of that reason is that people jump into things too quickly, only to find out that they were still in Stage 1 or 2.

Relationships are hard enough when the other person is right around the corner at all times... it's a million times harder with every mile that separates you.

Sorry to sound so anti-relationship there, I just think that you are headed into a world full of pain if you continue too far down the long distance relationship path.

EDIT: About the whole "I've had enough of boys at the moment" statement: don't believe it for a minute. I'm not saying that she's lying. I'm just saying that I've heard it, and seen it, before, and it rarely stays true for long. Young people (under 30 - 35) especially are vulnerable to want to jump to the next person. It doesn't usually take too long to move on to the next person. The biggest reason is, and this is important, when you are "sick" of the opposite sex, what's the big deal in just messing around with them? It's much easier to look at having a relationship on the biological, and thus physical, standpoint if you go into it knowing that that is all you want. Guys and girls alike have physical desires, and when you're only looking to fulfill the physical, and not so much the psychological, it's much easier to find someone to do it with. After all, a 1 night stand is much easier to come by and leave than a 1 year, or even 1 week, relationship.

 

[Serah]

Allright, I've seen enough of this wanking off, sex stuff going on in this thread from you boys and I'm here to bring a woman's advice and my opinion and feelings on this situation. First thing's first, Omni, where did Riku ever once mention sex? What does anything that he said in his first post have to do with sex? It doesn't. So I'm going to pick these bits apart, just to give Riku a better mindset, because he said himself that what you said hit him rather hard and to be honest, I feel it was a bit irrational.

I gotta say Riku, call me the pessimist, but I see nothing good coming of this. If you want to go down, hang out, maybe kiss a little or something, then I say unless she hooks up with a another guy in the 4 month waiting period (and she probably will, with at least one, if not more), you'll be in the clear.

How do you know she's even interested in anybody else? Do you know for a fact she's gonna hook up with somebody else? When you say "hook up" do you mean have sex? She is female, as am I and I think she's just trying to get past heartache before she jumps into another relationship right away or she fears being hurt again. That's how I see it from her side because I've been through it before.

However, if you want to start some kind of relationship with her, you should start beating that thought out of your head immediately. Beat it out with an iron pole if you have to. Long distance relationships for any amount of time, for any maturity level, will have negative effects all the way around. There is too much temptation. And why shouldn't there be? Unless you subscribe to the asinine idea of there being only one person out there who was meant for you, it just doesn't make sense to put that kind of stress on either one of you.

How do you know that all long distant relationships have negative effects? So are you telling me that our troops, whom are married, that have been called out to Iraq, etc...is causing negative effects? I've heard of quite a few returning home to their wives and they're happy and together. A couple of them are members of my family to be perfectly frank. How about couples who work apart from one another during the week? Just because he wants to be with this girl and she's aways away doesn't mean that he has to start beating the idea out of his head. I've seen quite a few long distant relationships work in my time, my friend.

Let's consider for a moment that most couples, typically speaking, have met most, if not all, of their significant others, within a 25 mile radius of where they were at the time. It is no coincidence. There are many fish in the sea, and many people are quite alike one another. It is not unlikely that you could find someone you could live with for the rest of your life within 25 miles of where you are sitting right at this very moment.

Wrong! Try reading this post
Also, my mom's husband (my stepdad) they met on the internet and we were clear across the state. It's been 8 years and they are still together and married to this day.

The question becomes, what makes this one so special? I'll tell you what does without having known much of anything about either one of you. The reason is, she is the now. She isn't the past fling, she isn't the future crush you don't have yet, she is the current, and therefore most appealing thing you have out there at this particular moment. Your brain is sending all kinds of chemicals at you for one basic purpose, it wants to fulfill its basic need to mate (whatever reason that is). I know it's not the most romantic notion in the world, but if you ask me, it's basically fact. I've been through a few relationships, some more serious than others, even one where I considered marriage. The fact was, after time the message became clear: if you're not going to mate with this person, I'm going to stop sending out those confusing chemicals that make you think you're in love. My body was telling me this, and pretty clearly I might add.

His brain is sending chemicals because he wants to mate? I'm sure his brain is sending some kind of chemical, but I think the last thing it's sending is to have sex with this girl. How do you know that's what he's feeling? Have you spoken personally with him? Have you ever participated in their close conversations? Spoken on the phone with one another? Have you ever seen how the two act with each other? I have. I know them both, I'm very close to them both and I'm sure she's not the only appealing thing out there at this particular moment. I'm almost certain there are other women who live around Riku that he notices and thinks are attractive, and hell he could probably have them if he wanted, but he doesn't for the simple fact that he has feelings for another who is a distance away. His heart is telling him something, not his brain.

I'm not saying that sex is the only driving factor in a relationship, in fact, I think it is one of the lowest. What I am saying, however, is that it is typically the first one. You get all of these screwed up feelings that make you fall head over heels, and depending on how hard you're being hit this time, you might even be saying to yourself, I'd walk the distance just to go see her. The fact is, it might be true. But it's just for the sex.

Just out of curiosity, where did you once see Riku mention sex? He's not just in this for sex, he doesn't want to see her just for sex. He's asking for help here, not help on how to get to her so he can get in her pants.

In a relationship you go through a few stages, and I'm going to try to be brief with them here.

These apply to mainly boys only. Girls have their own stages, which are often similar, but not quite.

Stage 1 - Confusing, mushy, romantic stage. This is where your body starts sending out those stupid chemicals. You see a girl, and your body says BABIES! But, it doesn't tell you this. Instead, you are left struggling to fight off a barrage of emotions that typically, you're not all to sure why you're feeling. You start feeling in "love". You can usually tell when you are in this stage because often times you'll start calling it "love" (even if it's just in your head) far too soon for you to logically have fallen in love.

I don't think he's saying that he's in love with the girl. What he is saying that he is developing feelings for her. I didn't see him mention that he's in love with her and I don't believe it's in his head that he is in love with her either.

Stage 2 - Please touch my no-no spot! This is the sexual stage, often coupled right along with stage 1. This is where your bodies signals start becoming a little clearer. My opinion is that your body tries to confuse you with false feelings of love so that you don't feel so guilty when actually trying to get into the pants of someone you barely know. Typically when you reach this stage, you stop so much thinking about said person all day long, and start daydreaming about them instead (if you get where I'm going with this). This stage is often recognized by the constant "battle of the bulge" us men have.

Again with the sex! Why do you insist upon adding sex in this! Riku doesn't want to take a trip to England just to get on the good foot and do the bad thing with her. This is all new to him obviously, so I think sex is going to be one of the far things from his mind. All he wants is help on how to approach her properly, be with her as in maybe start a relationship sans sex and do it right without scaring her off as he's very close to this girl and the last thing he wants to do is lose her in any way, shape or form.

Stage 3 - Please touch it again!... I'll buy you dinner?! This is the second sexual stage, the one where touching her boobies doesn't make you cream yourself anymore. Well, not as easily at least. Typically this is where you really want to start getting dirty, and usually don't mind saying so. You usually temporarily stop thinking about her as a person at times, and just think about bending her over. You spend most of your waking moments thinking about it, until you get it. Once you get it, you spend most of your time trying to get more.

Honestly, you've got to stop with the sex stuff here...what he's asking for is help on what I just posted above. I will not repeat myself.

Stage 4 - Now what? So, you've gotten in her pants, probably a few times by now. But... now what? This is often where you start looking at other girls, flirting with them, essentially moving on. Your mind may not be ready to move on yet, but usually your body is. Now you're really getting confused. Sure, you still probably like the person you've been with thus far, but what about so-in-so from around the block? She seems pretty cool too. You've already accomplished your biological goal here, so why are you staying? You try to justify love, and so far, it's pretty much working, but there's still that feeling of doubt.

....honestly, enough with this. He's talking about a first date with her, you're talking about something completely different. Riku is still young, not ready for sex and just wants a meaningful date and maybe some kissing, but I don't think sex is in the cards for this. Not yet. He's not ready to throw is leg over her, hump her brains out and then be done with her. I truly feel that he has deep feelings for said girl and doesn't want to just go and have a hearty lay with her.

I've found from my experiences that this stage is usually where paranoia strikes. You start wondering what the other person is doing, and with whom. Is she out there getting freaky with another boy? Why did she get to your house 10 minutes later than she said she was going to... why isn't she answering her phone that you've called 28 times in a row, 6 of those times leaving messages? In my opinion, this is your minds way of justifying your bodies feeling of wanting to move on. This is where you typically find out whether or not you two have something real there besides just sex.

Maybe if he were older and after having sex with her he might feel this way, but like I said before, he's not asking about the whole sex thing. He's asking for advice on how to go about doing this right. I don't think he wants to upset her.

Stage 5 - Time to make a choice. This is the stage where you decide whether or not you two have any common ground to stand on. This is when you decide whether or not you still want to be with this person.

A long distance relationship often takes a serious toll on people, especially in stage 4. It's really easy to be paranoid if you can't see where that person is at all times. If you can't account for the days that she isn't online, or didn't write back, or hasn't called, you start thinking that maybe she is with another man, and not to feed that paranoia, but that is a serious possibility. This is also the point where you, yourself, start looking more and more at the other girls, especially the ones who aren't so far away. Not to mention the fact that you're looking elsewhere helps feed the paranoia that she might be also.

I can make a list that goes on for a long, long time, but I have to work in the morning, and right now, this is a fairly good start. Maybe tomorrow I'll post more, but I'm too tired right now.

I just recommend that you really don't think about this too long. Just try and get her out of your mind as a possible mate. Until one of you moves closer to the other, there's very little hope. I wouldn't go moving out near her either, it'll just mess up your life if things don't work out. Remember, the divorce rate is right around 50% right now (in the US at least) and there's a reason for that. Part of that reason is that people jump into things too quickly, only to find out that they were still in Stage 1 or 2.

Relationships are hard enough when the other person is right around the corner at all times... it's a million times harder with every mile that separates you.

Sorry to sound so anti-relationship there, I just think that you are headed into a world full of pain if you continue too far down the long distance relationship path.

I think Riku is a lot smarter than that. I don't feel that he would make a decision as far as to having sex with the girl after only meeting her once. He's just talking about taking a visit to see her and going on a date. I'm sorry Omni, but you really seem stuck on this whole "having sex" thing. Your entire post just seemed very strong and harsh towards Riku and it seemed really down on relationships. I'm sure that you may have experienced things in your life, but this is a first for Riku. Let him experience and learn. Try and give him a positive outlook because I know this was pretty much a hit below the belt to him.

EDIT: About the whole "I've had enough of boys at the moment" statement: don't believe it for a minute. I'm not saying that she's lying. I'm just saying that I've heard it, and seen it, before, and it rarely stays true for long. Young people (under 30 - 35) especially are vulnerable to want to jump to the next person. It doesn't usually take too long to move on to the next person. The biggest reason is, and this is important, when you are "sick" of the opposite sex, what's the big deal in just messing around with them? It's much easier to look at having a relationship on the biological, and thus physical, standpoint if you go into it knowing that that is all you want. Guys and girls alike have physical desires, and when you're only looking to fulfill the physical, and not so much the psychological, it's much easier to find someone to do it with. After all, a 1 night stand is much easier to come by and leave than a 1 year, or even 1 week, relationship.

Wooooah...don't believe it? Alright, this is where my womanly experiences come into play here. I can't tell you (before I met my husband) how many times I had my heart broken by a boy and all I wanted was to be as far away from them as physically possible. I didn't want a rebound, I didn't want them to touch me and I was tired of being hurt when I thought a good thing was happening. Sometimes it just happens and you never see it coming. That hurts a girl. They don't want to be hurt again. They fear that if they get near another guy, open her heart to them again, they're only going to find themselves hurt yet again. I've seen that happen too many times and it's happened too many times to me as well. As for the 1 night stand...those hurt too and I'm almost certain Riku is not out for a 1 night stand here and neither is said girl.

As for my advice, Riku, I've told you before on MSN, but just sit back, be patient and wait for her to get over the hurt of her break up. It's going to be hard on her right now and you're going to make it worse on yourself. If you notice she's starting to get better, she's starting to be more open and such, maybe you should take your chance. 4 months might seem like a long time to wait, but if you're truly having feelings for her, then 4 month wait will be worth it in the end. 4 months may be just enough time for her to get over her heartache as well. Every girl is different and they all heal at their own speed. One of these days you do need to open up and be honest and tell her about your feelings so she knows. She may not even have the slightest clue the way you're feeling right now. If you want to talk about this further, just contact me on MSN and we will, okay Kiddo? Hang in there.

 

[Rydia]

Ok, I feel like I'm about to state the obvious here, but definently keep in contact with her and talk to her frequently and let her know by giving little hints that you're still interested.

Like Lady Aerith said, be patient with her as she gets over the break up. Four months should be enough time, but it isn't always for some people. And if she isn't by then, I wouldn't try a relationship with her until she is. Just be a good friend to her instead and if she sees that your willing to wait she'll have more respect for you.

 

[Holic]

To Lady Aerith (but others too I guess):

Idk, but through my interpretation of Omni's post, he is semi-right. He has the typical unbiased, unfettered view of a person around our age in this world that has gone through failed relationships. Were some of his views a little irrational...maybe. But when it comes down to it, it's just advice. He's playing the pessimist and you're playing the optimist. You're each using your own experiences to defend/prove that it cannot/can happen.

And about the sex thing, I think you took that differently then he meant. Just cause Riku didn't mention it didn't mean he was or wasn't thinking it. We're young and the idea is in our heads. What Omni was getting at was that maybe he should consider why is he falling head over heels for a girl. Physical reasons or Personal. From Riku's standpoint, it seems more personal to me. But Omni doesn't know that.

Ok, this was all just streaming so forgive me if I made a mistake in judgement anywhere in what I wrote. Also, sorry to Riku were getting off topic

 

[Serah]

Actually I know a lot more than you think and Riku and I are a lot closer than you think. I've spoken with him about this on more than one occasion and I pretty much know everything that he's feeling and it's not sex.

 

[Davey Gaga]

William Hill has it on 6-1 Odds thats she's reading this right now!

Doubtful, seeing as she does not come to FFF anymore :]

I gotta say Riku, call me the pessimist, but I see nothing good coming of this. If you want to go down, hang out, maybe kiss a little or something, then I say unless she hooks up with a another guy in the 4 month waiting period (and she probably will, with at least one, if not more), you'll be in the clear.

There's always the possibility of that, and I accept it. If anything did ever start up, then I know it would be difficult to continue with a long-distance relationship because, as you've said, relationships are hard enough without another factor making it more difficult. But ... let's call her Mary, for conversational sake, is not one to go around, whoring herself around and whatnot. It's difficult to explain without sounding too biased, but I know her and I would trust her with everything I hold dear. We're just that close, you know? In fear of sounding cliche', we do tell each other everything and that's one of the reasons I really like her.

However, if you want to start some kind of relationship with her, you should start beating that thought out of your head immediately. Beat it out with an iron pole if you have to. Long distance relationships for any amount of time, for any maturity level, will have negative effects all the way around. There is too much temptation. And why shouldn't there be? Unless you subscribe to the asinine idea of there being only one person out there who was meant for you, it just doesn't make sense to put that kind of stress on either one of you.

At the end of the day, we're only human, so I agree to an extent that there will be the problem of "temptation." No relationship is perfect and I'm not thinking ahead, six months down the line - I'm still just thinking of how to win her over at this point.

Let's consider for a moment that most couples, typically speaking, have met most, if not all, of their significant others, within a 25 mile radius of where they were at the time. It is no coincidence. There are many fish in the sea, and many people are quite alike one another. It is not unlikely that you could find someone you could live with for the rest of your life within 25 miles of where you are sitting right at this very moment.

I put this down to the fact that some people, like yourself [no offence] are less open-minded to the long-distance relationship. We're young right now, so it might be difficult to keep it going - but personally, I like a challenge and I would try, with everything I could muster, to keep it going ... if it began.

The question becomes, what makes this one so special? I'll tell you what does without having known much of anything about either one of you.

I'm sorry, but I disagree already with this paragraph. I respect you highly, given your posts in the debate forums and such and you seem like a really nice guy, but at what point can you really sit back and indulge me on how I feel about someone else, who you've likely never met? I know in my heart why I care about her so much, so I don't feel the need to give a justified list of things at this present moment in time.

The reason is, she is the now. She isn't the past fling, she isn't the future crush you don't have yet, she is the current, and therefore most appealing thing you have out there at this particular moment.

It's very difficult to explain, but I'll do my best. You'll probably be expecting the reply that is to follow, but I don't care, because it's true: she is different. I've never felt this way about anyone - ANYONE - before and every time I talk to her, all I want to do is just cuddle her, talk to her in person - just, frankly, be with her. I'd do anything to prevent me from losing her.

Your brain is sending all kinds of chemicals at you for one basic purpose, it wants to fulfill its basic need to mate (whatever reason that is). I know it's not the most romantic notion in the world, but if you ask me, it's basically fact. I've been through a few relationships, some more serious than others, even one where I considered marriage. The fact was, after time the message became clear: if you're not going to mate with this person, I'm going to stop sending out those confusing chemicals that make you think you're in love. My body was telling me this, and pretty clearly I might add.

No, not romantic at all. "The basic need to mate" is apparently the only reason for wanting to be with her. What about "the basic need for comfort and companionship"? I don't like woman purely to get a bit of fun - I tend to go for woman who I see as being suitable to be people I could spend time with; woman who would feel the same for me as I would for them; woman who would do whatever they could to be with me and ones that I feel strongly enough about to do the same. I'm not your typical ThinksWithTheirPenis kind of guy. I think with my head - something, I would think, you would quite agree with, no?

I'm not saying that sex is the only driving factor in a relationship, in fact, I think it is one of the lowest. What I am saying, however, is that it is typically the first one. You get all of these screwed up feelings that make you fall head over heels, and depending on how hard you're being hit this time, you might even be saying to yourself, I'd walk the distance just to go see her. The fact is, it might be true. But it's just for the sex.

I'm sorry, but it's really not.

Stage 1 - Confusing, mushy, romantic stage. This is where your body starts sending out those stupid chemicals. You see a girl, and your body says BABIES! But, it doesn't tell you this. Instead, you are left struggling to fight off a barrage of emotions that typically, you're not all to sure why you're feeling. You start feeling in "love". You can usually tell when you are in this stage because often times you'll start calling it "love" (even if it's just in your head) far too soon for you to logically have fallen in love.

I'm passed the "stung" stage, now. I strongly disagree with practically all of this "stage." Of course, in most cases, the thing which will attract someone to the other is, generally, their appearance, so I can see where you've picked this up from. I once made a topic on "love at first sight" and it was quickly established amongst the debators that the initial feeling was "lust" and not love, but the love developed later. However, I met ... what did I call her, Mary? ... on a forum; FFF, believe it or not. I asked for her MSN address AFTER speaking to her through the forums and becoming quite good friends. We chatted and, to be honest, I always had a little something for her. But the longer time we spend talking, the more strongly I feel about her - all I've seen are pictures of her, as she of me. My first instinct isn't to get my leg o'er, it's to get to know her as well as possible.

I'm going to completely disregard stage two to five, because I just know I'll end up flipping. All I'm going to say is that I don't want to meet her and then "get in her pants." Without sounding too hypocritical or typically full of testosterone, if that situation DID present itself, I truthfully don't know how I would respond. Most likely go ahead, but who knows? I wouldn't be making an advancement on her, because it's not WHY I want to be with her.

I just recommend that you really don't think about this too long. Just try and get her out of your mind as a possible mate. Until one of you moves closer to the other, there's very little hope. I wouldn't go moving out near her either, it'll just mess up your life if things don't work out. Remember, the divorce rate is right around 50% right now (in the US at least) and there's a reason for that. Part of that reason is that people jump into things too quickly, only to find out that they were still in Stage 1 or 2.

Sex to marriage - just how old do you think I am? Things like that are not on my mind, period.

EDIT: About the whole "I've had enough of boys at the moment" statement: don't believe it for a minute. I'm not saying that she's lying. I'm just saying that I've heard it, and seen it, before, and it rarely stays true for long. Young people (under 30 - 35) especially are vulnerable to want to jump to the next person. It doesn't usually take too long to move on to the next person. The biggest reason is, and this is important, when you are "sick" of the opposite sex, what's the big deal in just messing around with them? It's much easier to look at having a relationship on the biological, and thus physical, standpoint if you go into it knowing that that is all you want. Guys and girls alike have physical desires, and when you're only looking to fulfill the physical, and not so much the psychological, it's much easier to find someone to do it with. After all, a 1 night stand is much easier to come by and leave than a 1 year, or even 1 week, relationship.

If Mary says that, then I believe her and, frankly, no one is going to convince me otherwise, because I trust her.

Look, I've done a little thinking about it myself, and I've taken into consideration what some others have posted here. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to try. I mean, I do believe that it is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all. I guess what I'm saying is, while I still don't think any good can come of it, maybe it wouldn't do too much damage to take a shot. Perhaps you can go out with her, but keep the idea fresh in your mind that most long distance relationships don't work out.

That's a little less biased :] I'm not just approving this post more because it's more along the lines of 'what I want to hear,' but because it's good advice.

I do respect you and I'm quite interested to hear what you have to say, Omni, I really do. I just can't say that last post really pushed the right buttons, is all.

 

[Holic]

Sorry again Riku, I feel the need to clarify something.

I didn't say thats what he's thinking. Remember, Me, Omni, and a lot of us that posted in this topic don't know Riku personally. So we make assumptions. Yes, some of us may have stereo-typed him and his relationship. But this is only cause we don't know him and we're giving him our best judgement on the situation.

You've spoken to him. I have not had that oppurtunity. You know him personally. I just joined the forum days ago. That's why we have differing opinions.

He asked for advice in a forum with many many members that don't know him personally. He should expect to get a wide arrange of opinions. In the end, it's how he filters the advice into what's useful and what is not.

Sorry Riku.

And good luck with the girl

 

[Fields]

How do you know that all long distant relationships have negative effects? So are you telling me that our troops, whom are married, that have been called out to Iraq, etc...is causing negative effects? I've heard of quite a few returning home to their wives and they're happy and together. A couple of them are members of my family to be perfectly frank. How about couples who work apart from one another during the week? Just because he wants to be with this girl and she's aways away doesn't mean that he has to start beating the idea out of his head. I've seen quite a few long distant relationships work in my time, my friend.

I agree with alot of your other points, but this, to me, stood out quite a bit. VERY rarely do long term relationships work out particularly successful, at any level. I just entered my freshman year of college, and I can name literally dozens of couples I know that went to different schools hoping it could work out, only for it to end shortly thereafter due to cheating. And, although it's nice to hear that you have family in the military that had a relationship survive a long term of service overseas, one of the biggest worries to soldiers over there isn't the firefights they face as often as the daily basis, but the loyalty of their spouse back home...particularly if they're young. My dad was in the military and told me all about people he was stationed with who claim that being shipped ruined so much. I know it's just a movie, but it's rather accurate: Jarhead did a great job showing this. And vice versa...there are wars notorious for young soldiers taking advantage of the situation and 'hooking up' with women from the nation they're stationed.


I know this might be discouraging to Riku, which is why in my other post I placed emphasis on the friend aspect of this visit, as that's what thats what it seems she wants from her initial response that you supplied.

 

[Finnegan III]

Y'know, I'd be Celibate, if it weren't for the fact I don't plan on getting married.

 

[Rasputin]

Go on the Tom Leykis show.

 

[Davey Gaga]

Just bumping this thread of to the Ye Olde Deep Sea Research Centre, guys :] It's a light debate now and, over there, I feel more secure, 'cause it's like ... my turf now

I'll leave a re-direct.

 

[Deanogee]

what you need to do is....

[FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica]1. Watch the sunset together. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica]2. Whisper to each other.
3. Cook for each other.
4. Walk in the rain.
5. Hold hands.
6. Buy gifts for each other.
7. Roses.
8. Find out their favorite cologne/perfume and wear it every time you're together.
9. Go for a long walk down the beach at midnight.
10. Write poetry for each other
11. Hugs are the universal medicine.
12. Say I love you, only when you mean it and make sure they know you mean it.
13. Give random gifts of flowers/candy/poetry etc.(if not send em!
14. Tell her that shes the only girl you ever want. Don't lie.
15. Spend every second possible together.
16. Look into each other's eyes.
17. Very lightly push up her chin, look into her eyes, tell her you love her, and kiss her lightly.
18. When in public, only flirt w/ each other.
19. Put love notes in their pockets when they aren't looking.
20. Buy her a ring.
21. Sing to each other. over internet
22. Always hold her around her hips/sides.
23. Take her to dinner and do the dinner for two deal.
24. Spaghetti? (Ever see Lady and the Tramp?)
25. Hold her hand, stare into her eyes, kiss her hand and then put it over our heart.
26. Dance together.
27. Let your girl fall alsleep with her head in your lap. (It looks real cute)
28. Do cute things like write I love you in a note so that they have to look in a mirror to read it. myspace one!
29. Make excuses to call them every 5 minutes
30. Even if you are really busy doing something, go out of your way to call and say I love you.
31. Call from your vacation spot to tell them you were thinking about them.
32. Remember your dreams and tell her about them.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica]33. Always tell her how pretty she looks.
34. Tell each other your most sacred secrets/fears.
35. Be Prince Charming to her parents.(Brownie Points)
36. Brush her hair out of her face for her.
37. Hang out with ! his/her friends. (more brownie points)
38. Go to church/pray/worship together.
39. Take her to see a romantic movie and remember the parts she liked.
40. Learn from each other and don't make the same mistake twice.
41. Describe the joy you feel just to be with him/her.
42. Make sacrifices for each other.
43. Really love each other, or don't stay together.
44. Let there never be a second during any given day that you aren't; thinking about them, and make sure they know it.
45. Love yourself before you love anyone else.
46. Learn to say sweet things in foreign languages.
47. Dedicate songs to them on the radio.
48. Fall asleep on the phone with each other.
49. Stand up for them when someone talks trash.
50. Never forget the kiss goodnight. And always remember to say, "Sweet dreams."[/FONT]


[FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica]yeah basically at the mo the only ones u cud do are in bold...[/FONT]


[FONT=Verdana,Arial,Helvetica]enjoy!
[/FONT]

 

[Davey Gaga]

I'm editting your post, because there's no need to have font that large. Also, as much as I appreciate the "advice," but have you bothered to read anything in this thread?

 

[Deanogee]

I'm editting your post, because there's no need to have font that large. Also, as much as I appreciate the "advice," but have you bothered to read anything in this thread?

lol... urrmmm

other posts??....

lol

p.s can you feel me in??

is she here?!!! online??

 

[Davey Gaga]

lol... urrmmm

other posts??....

lol

p.s can you feel me in??

is she here?!!! online??

You see, this tells me that you really haven't read the thread. Granted, there's quite a bit to read, but keep in mind these forum rules and that I am obliged to warn you in cases of spam, such as this. I really don't want to warn someone for having good intentions, so please read the forum rules and guidelines, which are "stuck" at the top of this particular board.

And no, she is not "online", because, as I said before, she does not come here anymore.

 

[Deanogee]

You see, this tells me that you really haven't read the thread. Granted, there's quite a bit to read, but keep in mind these forum rules and that I am obliged to warn you in cases of spam, such as this. I really don't want to warn someone for having good intentions, so please read the forum rules and guidelines, which are "stuck" at the top of this particular board.

And no, she is not "online", because, as I said before, she does not come here anymore.

ahh ok thanks and sorry..

ill try and post good, well knowlegded, well though posts from now on that are at least three lines long..

 

[OmniscientOnus]

Riku, Lady Aerith, and everyone else out there who thinks that my original post was all about sex, instead of posting back to every response, please, let me clarify.

I in no way was stating that Riku is trying to get in this girls pants. I was merely stating the first 5 basic stages of a relationships, in which the "sex" part, up until stage 3, possibly even stage 2, is essentially referring to lust. Lust brings us to the "love at first sight" issue that Riku mentioned that he has a thread out there about. Not quite knowing how old Riku is (by the way you guys make it sound he's gotta be like 13 or something (no offense Riku, I really have no clue, and you're posts make you sound much more mature than that... much more)) or about his previous relationship with this girl, I only could go by the standards. I still think that sex (or lust, call it what you will), has a lot to do with ANY relationship at any stage, and therefore I don't think you can rule it out just because Riku isn't ready for it.

And, if you read what I posted a little better, you would see that I mentioned that the urge to have be intimate with another person is often masked by feelings of love and what-not, and therefore you wouldn't even see your own sexual urges as actual sexual urges, but as feelings of "like" and "love" instead. If you all knew me a little better you might be aware that psychology, especially teenage related psychology, is my utmost passion in life, and therefore I'm going to psychoanalyze Riku here for a second.

Riku himself mentioned that:

all I want to do is just cuddle her, talk to her in person - just, frankly, be with her. I'd do anything to prevent me from losing her.

If you look closely at this you will notice a few things. First of all, the first thing he reaches toward is physical intimacy, in this case cuddling. Physical wants like this are often masked emotions of sexual cravings. I'm not saying that Riku doesn't want to cuddle with her (who doesn't love cuddling?), all I'm saying is that this leads me to believe that he wants something more, even if he isn't cognitively aware of it just yet. He is still a human being.

Also, he mentions that he'd do "anything" to be with her. While he may not have intentionally meant to use such a strong word, he still did. By using such a strong word he leads me to believe that he is in a lustful state (not even just physically, you can lust psychologically too) and not so much in a love state because of his age and the fact that he hasn't even seen her in person (to my knowledge). I, myself, am quite different in person (at least from a vocal standpoint) than I am online, even in small personal chat lines like AIM or MSN.

Stage 3 is, however, referring directly to sex, but it's very plausible that he will not reach this stage in a relationship until he is ready. He can skip right to stages 4 and 5 though. He can still become paranoid that she "likes" someone else. And, be it referring to sex or just emotions, the paranoia will be especially intense in a long distance relationship.

Riku, I'm going to try and be straight forward with you. From what I see on the forums, I think you are a very smart, very mature, and very well wishing young man. I see that you are able to make rational thoughts well above your typical peers (well above any age group for that matter), and whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck. As an unbiased, outsider opinion, with a lot (and I mean a lot) of experience with relationships, be them my own, or the people's around me, though, I have to be honest and say that from where I'm standing, things don't look good. Not just yet at least.

I know that she is something special to you. But, in fact, that might be the very best reason you have right now to not pursue a relationship with her outside of being just friends. If you go down there in a couple of months, and you make your close bond even closer, and leave it at that, you will be much better off at the moment. Then, when you come back you can do so worry free. You can continue to strengthen your bond until the time comes where it might be right for one of you to move closer to the other (it has to happen eventually if you do actually want a real relationship... I mean, you don't want to live that far away the whole time you're together, do you?).

When you do finally decide to move out there (or have her come out to you, or even meet somewhere in the middle), then you should start a relationship. Drop all the sex stuff I mentioned if you want and consider this. If you start the relationship now, you'll start the struggling now. Struggling causes fights in even the best relationships, and a long distance fight can be messy. Do you know why most relationship problems get solved? It's because the two people are being forced (whether physically because they live together, or because they're trying to make things work) to be together, they will naturally resolve almost all issues eventually. However, when you are so far apart, what's to stop her from changing her online names and leaving you behind (this is a hypothetical situation that involves you two further down the line, perhaps around your first big argument).

Who says that at the point you two do get into your first big fight (and trust me, no couple is exempt from the first big fight), you won't be at an age where she might consider running out and kissing another boy, even if it is just out of spite? That would make matters worse, and then you'd have to solve them online... messy is the key word here. If you two lived closer, and say she hung up the phone and wouldn't call you or return your calls, you could drive out and see her, meet with her, and settle things. If she's that far away, how are you going to get a hold of her if she doesn't want to be gotten a hold of by you? Wait online all day in hopes that she might come online and actually listen to you for long enough to make amends before she just logs off.

Look, things could work. I hope they do. I love seeing people work together. I just think that you're pushing the relationship button too hard when, given the circumstances (especially your age, whatever it is), you should be nailing the friendship button.

One last thing. Since you are still young (I hope I'm not making you feel like I'm talking down to you... I'm still young too, and for all I know, you could be older than me), you should also look at young people's relationship statistics. They almost always fail. Even high school sweethearts are rarely ever successfully married. Add the young couple's typical relationship failure rate with the typical long distance relationship failure rate, and remember that you fall into both, and look at what you're trying to accomplish. I just think that instead of trying to be all Hollywood and try and beat all odds, you should stay good friends until you can eliminate as many things that are going against you as you can.


Specifically to Lady Aerith regarding the general outcome of long term relationships: It's all well and grand that you know a few people who it worked out for, but this does not mean it is the norm. Since I can't very well speak for every couple who has ever existed, I am left with no choice but to generalize.

 

[Davey Gaga]

Just to clarify, Omni: I'm fifteen and the girl is sixteen - just ten months older. Now, out of curiousity, how old are you? xD

To be honest, Omni, whenever I read any of your posts in this thread, I get a terrible feeling in my stomach, then I feel a little sick and down. At first, I thought it was maybe because of how abrupt the first post was about the "stages," but now, I'm leaning towards to more appropriate solution that I just feel sick because, well ... I think you may be right. But then, I come into conflict with myself then, because as my train of thought leads me away from her [meaning that I, eventually, would "get over her"] I'm immediately brought back to thinking about her by that horrible feeling in my gut again. And so, I present the question again: what should I do?

I think I would drive myself insane by holding this feeling in and not letting go of it at any point - but then, if I did let go, and things backfired, I'm not sure I'd be able to cope with that easily.

I'm in such a mess :\ I hate adolescence.

 

[Rasputin]

Girls have 1/40'th of the sex hormones men do (it's true, mate), so logically, any change in personality is going to seem 40 times as important to them as it does to men, while having a relationship split is going to hurt men 40 times as much.

Conclusion: Virtually all men screwed in the long run. You really have only two options if you want to keep this relationship going- either become a major star on American Idol (X-Factor, whatever), or wait until you are rich and famous so you could get her back through more "unconventional" means. There's this rather popular show called "Desperate Housewives" in America- act exactly like the men in that show, and you will have no trouble with relationships (you can watch episodes on http://dynamic.abc.go.com/streaming/landing for free)

 

[Dean Winchester]

Honstly I would like to advice you to fight for what you want man. If you think it's worth to shed some tears, walk, drive, etc.. just to stay at least five minutes close to her, then yes it's worth the trouble.

Those small joys of life can really make you happy, believe me they do. There's a woman in my life that could easily pawn me if she wants ( A fact that annoys me.....), but she is the only one who can calm me down if I get angry, therefore she's my only weakness (aside from general human weaknesses)

Ahh love hurts, but we don't care and if we must defy the tyranous stars in order to give some happiness to the person we love, we will overcome any obstacle, no matter how hard it might be....

But then again, life loves to play bad jokes on us, and sometimes we don't always get the "Happy Endings"

So follow your dream Riku, fight for what you love, you'll never know what will happen if you don't try (but at least have a Plan B, just in case Plan A fails )