Serious Spouse's Relatives

[Ipsen]

Okay, so this is a bit of a shitty time for me to post this as I wont see it for a few days, but why not?

Right, as most of you know I live in Sweden but come from the UK. I met my girlfriend a little over 3 years ago, and we have been together for nearly 2 years. She came to the UK as an Au Pair (Like a live-in nanny) last year between September and January. In March I moved out here to stay with them. Due to the fact I am not working at the moment, we haven't moved out yet, though we should do rather soon.

I am extremely outgoing, and extroverted whereas Sabina and her family are just totally introverted. Most introverted people I have ever met to be honest. It's like...retardation in my eyes at times, but I will get to that.

So here is my problem: Sabina's family are just, simply put, impossible to have a conversation with. I am sick of it! I honestly don't know how much longer I can stay in this house before I honestly have the biggest meltdown any of them have ever seen. It's gotten to the stage where anything they do which I would consider...strange is pissing me off. I am at my wit's end and I don't really know what to do. I feel I am up shit creek without a paddle.

I like her family, I really do, and I can't say for a second they have not been helpful. They've helped me apply for my residence, given my a roof over my head, fed me and so on. But when it comes to social interaction they are the worst people I have seen on the planet. Now I have complained about this to my girlfriend. I have asked if I have said or done something wrong? Or if I am just being unclear? I don't know. Every time I have ever brought this issue up it is instantly dismissed as "My family don't know much English" which...I would accept only...I speak Swedish. And quite well. Not to sound up my own arse, but why would I come here if I was saying things incorrectly and so on? I am not saying it is perfect, but they clearly understand me. The best response I can ever really get is "yes/no" and maybe "It's raining today" =/ Yes, I can see that, thank you. I honestly feel like they are purposely not trying to talk to me and I don't know why. Whenever I mention it, it is as if they feel they are having conversations with me, but answering "yes" to everything you say is hardly a conversation in my eyes.

I am finding them to be totally unhelpful in terms of being welcome and so on. They have all these strange habits and what not which I don't quite understand and it makes me feel like a leper to be totally honest. For example. When the washing is done, it was left in the mothers room. Now I noticed this and I couldn't work out why. Until one day I relaised that she leaves all the washing in our room when I am not in it. And I just think that is odd. Once or twice is fine, but it is as if they do not want to disturb me at all or make eye contact...I don't know. So I started doing my own thing and take it in myself etc.

They dislike it when I do the washing up even though I am doing it the exact same way as they do it. They say that I don't have to, but I feel I should do something to help out seeing as I am living there rent-free and they will not let me do anything. It feels like they have everythign set out how they want it to be set out and I can't touch it because I don't know where it goes or something. I have always cleaned up after myself and occasionally after them when they weren't saying I didn't have to. But I would also say they don't appreciate it either. totally unthankful too. I am not doing it for a thank you, but it's just common manners, isn't it?

I call them "Team Törnell" because it feels like if you aren't part of their family, you are quite simply, not a part of the team. I can't stand the whole "finders keepers" mentality of the house. I have NEVER once taken the first or last of something in this house. And I never will. They say it is okay, but I do not feel right doing so. My Mum bought me a few things from the UK when she came to visit me 3 months ago. I was desperate for Wagon Wheels and Orange Lucozade. So, I had this 6 pack of Waghon Wheels. I had 2 of them. My Sister had 1. Sabina had 1. Now, I don't give a flying fuck who eats my food if they ask me, but surely to fucking christ you can ask the person if you can try one, no? I know the brother had one, and still don't know about the last one. The excuse was that he thought the Mother has bought them so he took one. Now, forgive me if I am wrong, but if it's all written in English, surely to christ they'd realise it wasn't? And even so, I know for a fact these things aren't sold here. It was just an excuse because I was so angry over it. A chocolate biscuit haha. But still, it fucked me off. I never got an apology for it either.

They buy gallons of Pepsi Max a year. All they drink pretty much. So, I got sick to death of it. I went and bought my own Fanta. My money...my fanta. Left it in the fridge and when I went to get it half of it was drank. Went back the next day - totally gone. I got two glasses. Again, I don't mind sharing, but it's just taken for the sake of it being there. Same if I ever buy anything so now I just flat out refuse to buy sweets etc and whatever I do buy I leave in my drawer.

Now when my mother was here in Sweden with my sister, they were totally inhospitable. I hit the roof. I was told they'd get the brothers old room to sleep in, instead they got a fold out bed from the couch. That's fine. My Mother and her Mother probably sai dno more than "Hello" to eachother throughout the 3 days that my Mother was there. In fact, I can honestly say that they went out of there way to avoid my family. We went to the Zoo one day. If I have ever went to the Zoo before, it was early. 9am or so. We had to wait for her Mum, and we left at 2pm. Left the Zoo at 6pm. All the Mum did was sit on her fucking phone the entire time. She didn't give a shit and didn't want to be there. I felt it ruined everyone's day to be frank.

My Mum doesn't get on too well with Sabina, but it's not the worst relationshiop in the World. Sabina does make an effort, perhaps not much but she still will talk and so on. But the way her Mother was with mine was disgusting. I feel it was because Sabina has said my Mum hates her or some shit. So sometimes I wonder if that's why she is like this with me?

It's the little things that drive me crazy. Such as when she met me outside of this place I was helping out at. She said we would take the bus back. The busses work weirdly here so I didn't really know what to do haha. So yeah, she says she will meet me on the bus and so on. I see her cycling on her bike. So eventually we get to the bus-stop and I say "Are we waiting for the bus?" to which she replied "We can't go ont he bus, I have my bike." seriously? WHY TAKE THE FUCKING BIKE THEN?

Though the most hurtful thing that they have ever done is how they treat the brother's best friend and brother's girlfriend in comparisson to how they treat me and how they treated my family. It is double standards, and at times I almost feel it is racist or something. It feels liek they quite simply want fuck all to do with my family, but really if I stay with their daughter, surely I always will be so? I don't see how they can act all...buddy-buddy when someone else is in the house, but if they are gone, all of a sudden I am the leper again?

I honestly feel like the ignorance of her family is ripping us apart because I quite simply cannot be fucked with it. Part of me says that we will move out soon so I wont see them too much so I shouldn't be as stressed out at them and so on, but then another part of me says that it will always be like this even after I am away from them and do I want to have a family with people like that nearby?

I know it's an terribly cruel thing to say, and I am not saying they are nasty people, but they certainly aren't the greatest of people and not the best type of people for me to be around. And to be honest, I am not willing to consider having a kid or even marrying into their family. No matter how much I care for their daughter.

anyone else had a similar experience? If so, what happened? Or what did you do to better it?

 

[Bambi]

Eh my first boyfriends family were a nightmare, no one was good enough for him, it was the same with his ex before me, it got to a point I wasn't even allowed round to the house anymore just because I wasn't liked. I'd not even done anything wrong, if anything it was HIM that left ME in the shit when we had moved into our own flat, then he quit his job and moved back in with mummy. I think they resented me for 'taking him away' you know, because your kids don't move out. Apparently, they didn't like a future girlfriend I'd heard of either. It did pull us apart eventually, we never saw each other, he didn't even have a phone (not sure what happened to his, but he was phone less for quite some time) I ended up leaving him for someone else, his mother said 'i told you so' excuse me, but what? What had I ever done in the past to lead you to say that? Not ONLY that, she cheated on her bloody husband with the chap she was with at the time

I hear you on the double standards thing

Sometimes its not enough to say, if the guy/girl is worth it, you can make it work, because their families can't half fuck it up. Never ever had issues with anyones parents like I have theirs, so I know it wasn't just fucking me, they were all just wankers. Fair enough, I was young and naive, but still

/end rant

I guess you just have to decide whether you can see past all of that. I know I wouldn't have wanted to marry into his family or have children, the idea of being tied to them for the rest of my life. Ugh

 

[Harlequin]

Their attitude could well be from an economic perspective. What I know of Scadinavian culture isn't worth mentioning, but they could well be concerned for their daughter's financial stability with you. Not that I'm saying the relationship is doomed nor am I suggesting you're financially instable, but if my daughter's boyfriend was staying under my roof it would speak volumes to me.

I'm not suggesting you necessarily move out, but that you accept their distant approach and work with what you have. You need only interact when you have to, look to contribute as much as possible to the economy of the house, maybe ask if they need help with something, make plans that don't need one of the family members to contribute to carry out just in case they pull out (like getting a lift, etc) and most importantly don't fight fire with fire. The situation will only ever deteriorate that way and it's not conducive to a stable household.

 

[Sepalcure]

Wow, that doesn't sound very fun at all. Anyway from a more personal perspective, I can say that I've experienced that sort of standoffish aura from my mother's in laws. To an extent, my stepfather and his youngest son have these cold and distant ways of approaching people sometimes. When I was around fifteen or so I used to be really "blegh" around them but that's mostly because I was used to being raised solely by my mother up until that point. After a while of bitching and moaning from a very immature yours truly I decided to suck it up and deal with it. Now, my stepfather is very giving in the sense that he'll cook for me and himself whenever my mother doesn't come home (although I feel it's not fair for him to do all of that when he cooks so often anyway, so I make my own food more often than not) and on the occassion that I cook dinner he'll gladly partake of it.

But there are times where he will disrespect my mother or one of my friends or another relative of mine and I try to quiet myself from saying anything. I never say a bad word against his son or his family, I always try to be warm and friendly with them, and so I expect that sort of treatment in return. His stepson isn't a terrible person but you get this very distant almost smug vibe from him, he isnt very talkative, and that would make me uneasy. I'm used to having open and amiable conversations with people.

Enough about me though, I just learn to cope with it. I haven't married my stepdad obviously so his behavior is something I brush off. If he wants to be to himself and not openly accept my dad visiting for instance, by engaging in conversation, that's fine. It might be awkward anyway, I mean my dad used to date my mother once upon a time. They were once an item.

I don't think they're treating you based around your socio-economical level. You don't sound underprivileged at all, you even bought some of your own snacks whilst you were there. It's not uncommon for a fiance or a girlfriend to stay with their significant other's families. When you're invited into someone's home you're instantly supposed to be considered as a guest. So you're not supposed to worry about washing dishes, setting the table, yada yada yada. Even if you're staying for a long time, like say months versus weeks or days, however they shouldn't mind if you do lend a helping hand to wash the dishes or something.

However . . . it's a different country, a different region, and a different culture. You never know if washing the dishes might offend them, maybe THEY find it odd. You never know. In either case just talk to them when they make conversation, take everything with a grain of salt. See, if you can try to be the bigger person and tolerate it. You're going to meet tons of in laws, some you'll love, some you'll hate. It'd be a different story if they were spitting on you and talking way too much, cursing at you in their native tongue.

But the most they seem is standoffish and when someone is distant then just continue to react in kind. Some eggs are harder to crack than others.