My role play character(s)

[Caije]

Name: Caije ortallo
Age: 19
Gender: male

Weapons: Sword of chaos
Class: Chaos Paladin
Element: Darkness
Abilities:
True power: Caije delivers a fatal blow to all opponents
No mercy: Caije casts several abnormal status's
Holy Judgement: A attack full of Dark holy. It can severly wound white mages and Paladins
Darkness: Blinds all opponents
Arcana: A attack built from Caijes rage. It attacks in many blows and elements.


Appearance: Has dark hair and blue eyes. He wears grey armour and has black gloves and has a green emerald necklace around his neck.
History: Caije grew up in a orphanage. He was always the loner and disliked for not playing with the other kids. He was often beat up and teased for no apparent reason at all. When he was 12 he accidentally killed a kid. From then on he was ignored and called names. He ran away from the orphanage when he came across a dark sorcerer, he offered Caije power beyond his eyes. He went under the sorceress's wing and became a chaos Paladin. He is feared amongst the land and he leads armies to destroy man.

 

[Vradica]

Hmm. . . .

Are you new to forum roleplaying? I see that you've got the format organized well enough, but the content is lacking. Good grammar ought to be practiced, but you do that on your own time, I guess.

Your character's abilities make him a very unbalanced character. Not only does he have an instant-kill, he also has abilities that attack everyone in battle situations and one even attacks with over-kill. Instant kills is bad for a character, and most of time it shouldn't even be allowed. Overkills such as Arcana, and multi-hits such as Darkness makes it appear to be a godmodding character. It is unfair.

Your appearance needs more work, thus more description.

The character also posesses the qualities of a Harry Stue. Meaning he is so damn powerful and he is how old?. . .Not enough 20! Even fantasy has some logic in magic arts, where it is only the older and wisest people who have such abilities.


Agh, I don't mean to put you down for this, but I'm just taking an initiative and making sure you go down the right path.

 

[Caije]

No, Go ahead, The more people who critisize me, the better I will learn for future characters. I need to learn if I want to become a good role player.
Mind you I only Just begun Role playing so any help would be good. Please if you have any more advice please give it to me.

 

[Vradica]

Once again, you've got a decent format. I forgot to mention that you also will need a lot of description for the weapon, as well as his history.

I can't actually help you become a good roleplayer, since this is just character creation. A good character doesn't always mean a good roleplayer, and vice versa.

 

[Caije]

Hope this is a improvement. Im going to use this character in a upcoming rp i'm making.

Name: Sacon
Age: 17
Gender: Male

Class: Warrior
Weapon: Sword of strenght. A Longsword with a golden handel. The sword comes from his fore fathers. Its been passed on ever since the king of the current country died. usually passed onto his heir. It has strange scripture on its handel and the sword is said to be hold of some strange power.
Race: Human
Abilities:
Cure: Heals himself or others using Healing magic.
Pure sword: A grossful attack in which Sacon slashs with a elementel attack.
Painful wound: A special Attack which may Poison the enemy. Only used When sacon iis very weak.


Appearance: Has long black hair and blue eyes which move down to his shoulders. His eyes are deep blue. He wears a white tunic which for its size provides much protection. He wears a long white cape and blue trousers.
Bio:
Sacon, a young prince in which is Heir to the throne. Sacon grew up spoiled but always wanted more. His father secluded him from the outside world. He craved more. He only met people from his own kind. Mainly nobles, and Almight kings from Neighbouring countries.
A short while ago war broke loose in the Kingdom. A Large sea war took place in which his father was present in. The battle was lost in the begining when the large Battle ship was taking over and blown to small bits. His father was slain by a demon warrior named Kratos. A Demon warrior fighting for the other nation.
The war was loss and very few few men from the former powerfulest nation returned. His fathers body was brought back slain. Many wounds were delivered. His mother grieved and fell on her knees while Sacon looked on in Rage. He decided to train, working very hard he knew he would be king soon, He was trained by his master, a man named Hiro, A swordsmaster and a respected warrior amongst the army.

A few weeks later the shore was invaded and so was the Kingdom. The Kingdom fell in a fiery blaze killing many. Sacon was severly wounded and his mother captured. Being dragged away to safety from a Royal soldier. They stopped in a abandoned Inn and laid him to rest. Healing his wounds.

 

[Vradica]

Once again, the weapons needs a good description. Unless you have a picture, but even then some description will do justice.

Again, you have an attack that kills (Pure Sword).

Appearance needs a little more work.

The bio section is incomplete, but I think that was deliberate. Though you mentioned he had training, you ought to add in how he went through it. Did he train alone? Did someone teach him? What did he learn? What art of sword-play did he work on?

 

[Caije]

Oh, I dont intend on usuing pure sword as a Death attack. Just a combo,

Im going to work on template now and edit it, Hopefully you'll give me advice once again.

Edit: Ive changed The weapon and gave it a bit of description and History, also Changed the Bio as where and who he got trained by...

 

[Vradica]

Just remember that "fatal" means deadly, as in instant kill-deadly.

The sword description has improvement, but I think you can do better in time.

Bio is somewhat exceptional, but it's decent enough.

For a beginner, this is a good start, but in time, hopefully, you'll get the experience to make a much better profile.

 

[Amizon]

Interesting character so far, the abilities seemed to attract me right into the character. As you may have suggested or asked, I am indeed here to give comments and suggestions to your character. Good, but there is one thing that is missing (or so I always think it is needed). His history is quite interesting too and it is a decent bio so far. Is there any other aspects of his life that could be included? Could this template be improved? The decision to do this and delve deep into this character is all up to you at the end of the day. Need anymore tips? Just PM me and I'll answer back.