Poetry I Remember

[Ayumi Hamasaki]

I remember when we first fell
Our love was pure and newborn
Now I look you in those eyes
And all I can see are the lies

I remember the way I felt
Like this moment was the one
Like this would be my only chance
To get the live, to dance this dance

I remember the things you said
Before our love was done and dead
How much you thought you cared for me
The way you had hope for what we'd be

I remember when things went bad
You isolated yourself away from me
Like it was my fault you left me alone
On the street, because you were my home

I remember when I surrendered to the end
I was so scared, alone, without any thing
I didn't want to leave you standing there
I would have given anything to have you here

Someday we will meet again on our own
We won't love each other the same as we did
But that day I hope we will finally know
How to hande the things that used to haunt us so

 

[The Scriblerian]

Very nice. I like it.

[Shu: Try to add more please, even if it's a good response just want to keep it from looking like a one liner. What was good about it, I'm sure the poet would like some constructive criticism]

 

[Sexy Beast]

Okay before i give my critique, I would like to say that this is a very nice poem. As a fellow writer of this genre, I commend you for the flow.

Okay, Critique time.

First stanza:

I remember when we first fell.
Our love was pure and newborn,
Now I look you in those eyes,
And all I can see are the lies.

The first thing I noticed not only in this stanza, but in every stanza is that there is a lack of periods and/or commas. I'm not going to bash or anything, but just keep in mind that some punctuation is required to aid to the overall flow of the poem.

Second Stanza:

I remember the way I felt,
Like this moment was the one,
Like this would be my only chance,
To get this live, to dance this dance

The spot in red is just what I thought would fit much better, and also make more sense when you read it out loud. All else is good as far as I'm concerned.

Third Stanza

I remember the things you said,
Before our love was done and dead.
How much you thought you cared for me,
The way you had hope for what we'd be.

Just a few simple punctuation mistakes. I really don't see anything worth noting that is out of place. Nicely done on this.
Forth Stanza

I remember when I surrendered to the end.
I was so scared, alone; without anything.
I didn't want to leave you standing there,
I would have given anything to have you here.

Same as before, the punctuation was missing. Everything else flowed really well, methinks.

Final Stanza

Someday we will meet again on our own.
We won't love each other the same as we did,
But that day I hope that we will finally know,
How to hande the things that used to haunt us so.

So, what we have here is that in the LimeGreen is what I believe would be best removed, and bolded in red is what I believe is what should be added.

So overall, you did a good job, but just need to remember to use punctuation where it's needed. As for flow, you did a great execution of it. Overall form is nice, as well.