Serious How do you know they are cheating?

[SapphireStar]

How do you know? I mean, its not like they have a huge sign on their head with "CHEATER!" wrote on it. Would make it easier though. but how do you tell? Its different for everyone I suppose. Let me explain why Im bit meh.


This morning I saw (80% sure) my fella drive past my house. It was the same little red car, with the same Bury football sticker on the back window and the guy driving had dark hair (like my fella) and was in a Bury football shirt! Now that mega freaked me out. But what freaked me out more was the car was coming from the direction of the skank we work with (whom Ive mentioned time before, whom Im making an effort to get on with) and he drove straight past my house. I texted him, should have called his house phone, and told him what I had saw. He said he was at home and hadnt been out. We talked back and forth about it, untill he insisted on sending a pic of him at his house. But by now, he would have gotten home. I still believe it was him, but Ive been told to just let it go (my granmother) and believe him. But I cant shake the feeling he lied to me. I dont want to think he had gone to see her today, but why else drive past my house when there is only me, her and his job round here and he wasnt due at his job for another 5 hours when I saw "him"?

Ive been cheated on before in the past and the only way to explain it was I had a gut feeling, which Ive been getting lately and my guy didnt pay me any "attention", so it was clear he was going elsewhere. It all turned out to be true. Now I get all suspicious when any partner Im with goes out. All sorts of horrible things go through my mind and I start to think they really are doing something behind my back. AND!! What also annoys me is he barely speaks to me on Facebook anymore, yet he chats to everyone else, mainly his female mates. That totally pisses me off, thought Id throw that in here also.



OKAY! That was a long rant. Thank you for reading!!!
So how can you tell your partner is cheating?

 

[Estella Vanilla]

Aww, poor Mariella! =( Even if he's not cheating on you it's still hard having to deal with the thought so I hope you find closure soon.

Here are some tips/questions:

Does he say he "needs his space?" If he says that usually that means he needs his space for obvious reasons...

Do you guys still have sex? And if so...is he like totally bored? >__> You know where I'm going with that... A huge red flag would be him saying someone elses name XD! But I think that usually just happens in the movies.

And also, if you ask him where he has been for a period of time, is he able to adequately explain where that makes SENSE for the amount of time he has been out?

Honestly I'd just talk to him, face to face. I would never tolerate cheating and I'd basically tell him he gets a "get out of jail free card." All You want from him is the truth. Tell him there is no consequence you just really want to know and you won't hold it against him.

Once you get the truth you dump him or you see him stuttering/lying. I mean... I don't trust people either so you gotta be careful. You need someone to love you for you Mariella, and if he won't do that then get rid of him. I really don't like cheaters......So I hope he's not.

 

[Ness]

To answer your original question..."I don't know". The fact is, unless you catch them in the act or hire a private investigator to catch them...you'll never really know. It's an unfortunate truth, but that's the way of things, I guess.

However, I think the bigger issue that rests at the heart of all this is the issue of trust. It seems that you're quite suspicious of his activities, which is never a good thing. I think you really need to ask yourself how much you trust him...because trust is absolutely critical. If you can't honestly say that you trust him enough to take his word in this...maybe you've got some other decisions to make. I understand your fears, though, especially if this has happened to you before. But...remember that just because one guy is a turd doesn't necessarily mean that we all are.

I sincerely hope that everything works out for you...but you must decide whether or not you can actually trust this fellow, let alone anyone, in situations like this. If you feel that you can, I hope that your trust is not misplaced. If not, I hope you've got the strength to do whatever you feel that you must do.

Good luck.

 

[blakstang98]

Well, I can say I've been cheated on as well, and I've been the person the girl was cheating with.

When I was being cheated on, it was a friend of mine. A lot of arguments would happen as a result of this guy. She would insist that he hangs out with us, and it just got more and more frequent. At some point she needed space (like EV said), which means spending less time with you. That particular guy didn't have call waiting, so it was a strange coincidence that when I called him and it was busy, and it was the same for my girlfriend, then it started to add up. I caught her talking to him on the phone, but showing up unannounced, that is something you should definitely try. He'll more than likely be unsure of what he's going to say, like my ex was (and she was angry about it).

For the girls I was with that they were cheating, they would try to keep their time with me at a minimal, but if feelings get out of hand, it's tough to do, and the time increases. They generally didn't want to talk about the situation with their partners, but there was always some resentment.

I think the first thing you should do is sit him down and have a one-on-one talk with him. Maybe you can resolve some unresolved issues that may help. If his mind is already made up, then tell him to take a hike. Staying in a relationship while cheating usually serves as a safety net, and you deserve better than to be that. Like my issues that I've been dealing with recently, if they're willing to cheat on you (or think about trying), it's better to move on. I know it may be tough to deal with, but you'd be better off with someone who wants to spend their time with, and want to talk to you.

 

[Kandy-Sugar]

I've never been cheated on, or cheated on someone before so I don't really know the signs. Though I doubt anyone really does until they've been cheated on for the billionth time.

You've made a few threads about this guy lately which indicates you're really suss on him, and that you can't stop thinking about the little things that usually most people would brush off.

This either tells me that you're still scared about being cheated on again and you're taking every little detail into account, or that you really are certain he's being dishonest.

It seems to me that you should take a break to be honest. That way at least if you see him with that girl soon after, you can safely assume he had been cheating on you and that it is no coincidence that they suddenly decided to hook up, now that he was on a break.

You need to have trust in your partner. You need to be relaxed and not feel like you need to question his whereabouts.

That is how things should be really and if you're really wrapped up in the fact that he's being dishonest with you, it's either you're really paranoid (which is understandable considering your past relationships) or he has done something e.g: purposely making you jealous by talking to that girl at work in front of you even when you've asked him to stop etc.

If things start to add up I wouldn't be suss anymore, I would be certain and confront him with the facts.

Especially after being certain you saw him drive past your house when you yourself know that he had no need to be down that way at that time of the day, unless he is doing what you think he is.

If he's not giving you any 'attention' lately then where is he getting it from? Most guys can't go a week without it. Ask him why he doesn't want to be with you in that way lately?

I had to do that once. It would have been right before he decided to cheat on me (don't ask me how I know, I just do) and then we broke up. The sex ceased and I asked him why he didn't want sex with me anymore.

He pretended to be asleep. So I ended it. Screw getting some other hoebags STD's through him!

 

[Shu]

From a guy's perspective (not saying justin didn't give one lol) - I'll make this short and sweet.

The candy is always there to look at, but whether you take, it is up to you. The way I look at it is this, I'm not going to judge him yet, I would confront the guy. If you sense something going on, don't be bashful about it, alleviate the problem now and deal with it. Don't sit there all shy and feeling as if you are paranoid, its only going to get worse. Only worse for you though, I mean if you have been cheated on before, you have the right to be a bit more offset, so don't try to psycho analyze yourself.. just get the question out there.

If he is, then drop him. If you are in love with him, I'm sorry but he is not in love with you. Don't try to give second chances, they never work. This is only if he is truly cheating though.

 

[SapphireStar]

We kinda hit a snag on our 9th aniversary. We sat down and talked and he was like "I want to see you less!" I asked what he meant and he said "I have to juggle both you and the guys." Which I kinda understand as theres that friend who gets jealous of us all the time. I mean lately, in the last 2 months, weve had sex 3 times. No word of a lie. He said he has managed to contain his "horniness." How many 22 year old males are like that?? That made me think he was going somewhere else for it. When we first dated, we couldnt stay away and I think we fell for each other too soon.

I dont want it to end, but it hurts me how he acts sometimes and the fact hes younger then me and making these rules for me pisses me right off. Im also scared because that tramp ended her physical relationship with a guy at work because she admitted to him she had feelings for a guy friend of hers. I felt sick to my stomach. I asked her whom it was and she couldnt even look at me! I then texted my guy and he said "Its not me, dont worry xxx." When I told my close male friend (whom works with us), he said "Why does it have to be your guy? It could be me or another guy you know and shes embrassed or scared how you may take it." I somehow doubt its anyone else but him. He has said it isnt him over and over and said she doesnt pose a threat. But I cant shake that feeling. This is why Im having trouble trusting him.

I do trust him sometimes, but other times when hes working and Im not, or when hes out, my mind goes mental and I get horrid images in my head. I dont get me, I really dont. Im sorry for the amount of threads I make. Post count goes up for you guys though lol I dont want us to seperate, but when I try and talk to him about this, he explodes and doesnt want to talk to me. He goes into a mood and is nasty towards me. I sound like a coward.

 

[Shu]

I'm sorry to tell you this but you two are on different levels of relationships.

1) You are ready for the closer stuff, where maybe you are living together and have your own place it seems. In which case you don't need someone like him. Or you just want to spend more time with a person you love.

2) He's hanging out with his friends, seems to be acting a little curious, and doing the whole nine yards. For someone to ask.. "I need to spend less time with you" that is very disrespectful. I'm sorry but I would not take that lying down. You may try to say.. oh it's because of his friends and blah blah. Well he would not have needed to ask that if it was just his friends.

I mean look, weigh your options here. Hang on to your lover, and keep wondering what's happening or confront him about all his lack of "forwardness."

Throw him a pitch here, try to call him out on his commitment level rather than backing off all sheepish. I'm just trying to help. I still respect him, but that line really threw me off "I need to spend less time with you." Cheating or not, that's just not right.

 

[blakstang98]

I'm really sorry Mariella, but I think your instinct is right. It would appear that he's hitting all the warning signs. When you say 9th anniversary, I'm assuming you mean 9 months? If a 22 year old guy doesn't want sex in a 9 month relationship then I think he has another interest. I understand that there is some time for his guy friends, but in my experience, I would rather had spent the time with my love, but at the same time not neglecting my guy friends.

When you say that "tramp" ended her relationship because of an interest in "someone else" and she won't face you to tell you, I'd say you found the culprit. This isn't definite, but I'd keep a close eye on her, and her actions with your boyfriend. The fact that your boyfriend just says, "it's not me, don't worry", I think he should elaborate more on that rather than just say a few words, another bad sign. I know whenever my ex's accused me of liking another girl, I had more to say than that to them.

If he's taking a big offense to you confronting him about it, it's just another bad sign to me. If he wasn't guilty, he wouldn't have any problem talking about it.

I think that if this is really driving you crazy, it just isn't worth it anymore. I know what I'm saying sounds cynical, but having this kind of anger and depression isn't what you should be dealing with in a relationship for someone you love.

Once again Mariella, I'm really sorry you have to be dealing with this. I feel like you're having the same emotions I had 8 years ago for a girlfriend, and I did get confirmation that I was being cheated on (actually, she just said she was interested in him, but I think it may have happened). If it were me, I would tell him straight out, "if we don't talk about this and resolve it, then it's over". I know it's not easy to let go of someone you have feelings for, but you have to be strong and let go. You seem like a nice girl, I'm sure you'll find someone a million times better.

Best of luck on everything, and I hope this helps a little

 

[SapphireStar]

I really hope this isnt it for us. My friend has gone through some bad bouts of depression and she said she lost interest in sex for about 2 months and shes 21. Her fella nearly ended it cause he thought she was cheating, but I could vouch she wasnt. My guy is bit bleh at mo cause hes stuck in a shit job, has health and money issues. I know that isnt an excuse to do this to our relationship, but I think it may be a cause for his lack of vroom. Thats what some of my mates believe. Im sure if he was cheating I would find some proof, something that confirms my suspicisions. People say he wouldnt cheat on me and hasnt in the past apprantly, so why me then?

But his ex was a complete and utter bitch to him. She wouldnt let him talk to women, go out or do anything and they were together for 16 months. Now I dont understand why hes making me feel crappy when I dont do any of the crap she did. And he was willing to end it on our 9th month aniversary! But put up with her so much.

 

[blakstang98]

Well, we won't know all the details (as well we shouldn't), but if there is a way you can resolve issues and make it work, then by all means go for it. And if you need to talk about it more, we'll be here to help you out. All the best!

 

[SapphireStar]

Well, I think I over reacted. I seen the car again today I thought was his and it wasnt lol. I thought it was a Bury sticker on the window, turns out it wasnt lol. Also his window sticker is on the right of the car, not the left. So I imagined it was him. Think I anted it to be him. Also I thought he was lying about seeing his grandparents, thought he was playing away instead of spending the day with them. I was wrong. He was chatting about what they had for tea to his parents and it all seemed genuine.

And my friends reassured me he wasnt the cheating type. How he talked about me, saying nice things, etc. So guess it was all in my head. Im still not comfortable with him chatting to that tart, but hes coming home with me, not her. Shes a sad pathetic human being who sulks when the men she fancies dont find her attractive. I know he will continue to wind me up about her cause thats hwat he does. He is a child and needs to grow up. I cant make him not talk to her again. When we first started I told him not to talk to her and I then changed my mind. I kinda regret saying that. But no matter what I say, he'll continue to chat to her and I still see her as a threat.

 

[blakstang98]

Very good Mariella, it seems like you don't have a problem after all. It's good to hear that he's not cheating on you. I'm still in disagreement about him getting angry just because you want to talk with him, but I guess if it works for ya, then that's good.

If you 2 are really in love, then the other girl is not a threat at all. She may be threatening to you, but if he really cares about you, then nothing will come of it. But either way, I think paying a little extra attention to what's going on there won't hurt anyone. With any luck, your relationship will be safe from her.