Serious How close is too close?

[Warrior of Light]

First of all, I’m going to hell. Please don’t argue this with me, I just feel awful and would rather a huge hammer came down on my head. Anyways…

So my man and I are long distance and he came to visit me. He used my computer to log into his email and forgot to log himself out. Well, you can probably guess what happened when I discovered this after he was gone…I found myself overcome by curiosity, and as a naturally paranoid person, I wanted to make sure I wasn’t being played. He really didn’t seem like the type, and I really regret my actions, but split milk and all that.

After reviewing some of his emails it became quite apparent he had some other woman in his life. Was it a fling? I don’t think so, but the content of the emails made me distinctly uncomfortable. He told her “I love you”…called her “my lady”…and said “love forever”. These are not the words of a close friendship but the kind of stuff he said to me once we dated! And while the conversation appear to have died out (because of her, since he definitely emailed asking her to respond) and he did mention me in the emails, there was a brief overlap of when he said he loved me and only me, and also told her “I love you” and all that.

I’m sick to my stomach. On one level I feel like I don’t even have the right to complain as I violated his trust and checked out his emails. On the other I feel violated since I feel like if he had such a close friendship, one bordering on romantic, that he should have been upfront about her. I heard her name a few times, and there’s nothing in the email that specifically says he’s having a fling (no “last night was great” or “don’t worry the girlfriend won’t know) I still am in turmoil since he’s keeping this from me. I don’t know why he would hide it, except that he knows the average person would be uncomfortable with it and he probably feared the same with me.

Far as I understand the email conversation ended, as I said, and he’s been extremely loyal to me otherwise. He’s a great guy, sweet, kind, caring and I love him more than anything. But I feel wronged somehow and I don’t know how to get over it.

What do you recommend? Do I just fess up to reading his emails and demand some explanation about the too close for comfort friendship or do I keep my mouth shut seeing as I shouldn’t have this information in the first place?

Any advice you could give would be appreciated—I’m totally reeling from this and need something, anything to help me.

 

[Valvalis]

This must be hard to deal with, I'm sorry. I guess one of the big questions is how long have you known him for? I know I'd be freaking out if it were me so I don't blame you for feeling sick over it, and I definitely don't think you did the wrong thing by looking at the mail--I know people have a right to privacy and all, but you also have the right to know whether you're being played and technology shouldn't stand in the way of that. Honestly I've never been in a situation like this so I can't really say I'd know what to do, but I guess maybe you should look at it from the perspective of "do I want to stay with him if it is a fling?" If the answer is no, then you should definitely confront him about it; after all he would be the sneaky one in that situation, not you, and that way if you wanted to you could end it and move on with your life, even though it might be hard. If you can forgive him for it, it is a lot harder question, and would really just be up to you--whether you would be comfortable going through your life together not mentioning it and knowing he might have someone on the side the whole time, or whether you would rather admit that you looked at the mail, maybe get a little anger from him, but then get him to apologize and end it with her for good. If he really cares about you, he shouldn't get defensive about it, and should apologize for keeping you in the dark and promise to cut that other person out of his life. And even if she is really just a friend, if her relationship with him makes you uncomfortable, he should stop talking to her if he really cares about you the most. Anyway I'm sorry if this doesn't help much but I hope it does, and that you can get through this OK.

 

[Shu]

I can relate, though I won't go into detail. First off, Sorry. Second off, confrontation is a must. Do it now, and make it clean. Just be like.. "I don't love you any less, but I need some answers" If you see him getting a rise, well I'm sorry.. but if you love the person you are with, then you should be able to share everything with them.

It's apparently he's "internet" cheating on you. Meaning if anyone knows me, I don't ever give folks the impression that I want more than just "How is your day, How's your life going.. " If I ever said "i love you.." then that of course means something totally different.

I'm going to cut this short, because it's up you how you should deal with it. I'm giving you honest advice and from a good person, question it now, before it eats a hole inside you etc.. etc.. Also it could be over.. but the paranoia could mean they took it to other forms of communication. Phone, alternate emails, etc..

 

[Six]

I think it's best if you tell him the truth. Personal experience or not, heh, that's not important.

You can beat yourself up over the fact that you read the e-mails, but you already feel gutted about it, and to be honest, beating yourself up over this won't change anything.

Talk to him, honestly.

This can go both ways, I mean for him, there's no way to deny it, seeing you read it and saw it with your own eyes, but seeing you did something in the 'wrong', and he definitely did, if you guys can work it out, compromise, and give each other another chance.

Just don't do something you're not fully behind. Sure you love him, and I know it's hard, but put yourself first in situations like these.

Yes, you did wrong, you know this, but how do you feel about what he did, can you still trust him? Seriously, talk to him, and decide some standards for yourself.

Having a long distance relationship, even if it's for the mean time, everyone should know trust is the number one thing. If you don't have that in someone, sticking around with them won't make you feel better in the long run, I'm just saying.

I mean, of course I feel jealous if my boyfriend was close with other girls, but "I love you" isn't something I think he should say... =/ I mean, personally I wouldn't be able to coop with it.

I wish you the best of luck, however.

 

[Æon Flux]

I agree on just telling him the truth because quite honestly trust has been broken already has it not? I mean you saw proof with your own eyes something on the side is going on ...unless your quite content to be one in a line and keep quiet about it,wich I doubt you are.
Personaly if/when you confront him be prepaired for it to end on some level....Long distance relationships are super hard to keep going mainly when trust issues are at hand.
I just wanted to pip in I have alot of guy friends and they all say they love me.....so I dont realy think that should have much bareing on anything since I have known them for more years than their current wives/girlfriends...

 

[blakstang98]

Well, consider this. This gal might be an ex-girlfriend that he managed to maintain friendship with. For the most part, I'm a firm believer in not maintaining friendship with an ex because this type of situation could present itself and make your current relationship hit hard times (like yours is now). I know that if I was talking to an ex if I had a girlfriend, I would getting shit about it, even if the conversation is strictly friendly and nothing to do with the relationship we had. Because of this, I would be inclined to hide that from my girlfriend (well, I would be honest with her, but its sort of a fine line to cross, but most would choose to just hide it all together).

But either way, the honesty should be sought after, so I'd say you should talk to him about it. And as has been said, don't do it in a relationship threatening way. Don't approach him with an attitude like "we're done if you keep talking to this girl" kind of way. Try to not threaten him, and act as if you're supporting of it. Then if it really is just some friend and not a fling, then you can keep moving forward with your relationship and put that behind you. But yes, it's certainly vital to bring it to his attention, even if that crosses over the e-mail invasion lines.

Best of luck!

 

[SapphireStar]

Been there myself sweetie and I wish I had ended the relationship there and then. But sadly I didnt. Its happened twice in 2 different relationships. The first time I read his diary and said nothing to him and went through 3 years of a paranoid relationship. Second time round, I confronted my guy about it and we broke up for couple days due to it and he promised he wouldnt do it again.

I got the same feeling in my stomach and the hate I felt was unbelievable. If it were me, Id end it. Just cut off all ties and tell him to jog on. He doesnt deserve you sweetie, get rid of him. Hope youll be ok xXx

 

[Warrior of Light]

I wanted to thank you all for your suggestions and support. He and I have this mostly sorted now and we've come to an agreement about reasonable boundaries and mutual respect. I believe it was part paranoia on my part and part stupidty on his, but we both genuinely love each other and working together means everything to us.

Again, thank you so much for everything.

 

[SapphireStar]

Im glad you have sorted this, but how did he explain the love mentioned in the emails? You dont have to tell us sweetie, but Im glad its sorted. Im the sort of person whom would get rid lol. Hence why I dont last in relationships.

 

[The Illusive Man]

Although you may believe its sorted, do not close your mind to the possiblity that he may just be giving you the brush off on it to decrease the heat hes getting. If you had a long in depth chat about it, he was totally honest and gave you every reason to believe him, then fair enough.

However if he kept trying to end the conversation as quickly as possible, he may not be being entirely truthful with you and thats the act of someone with something to hide. I like to be as open and honest as I can be in relationships and pretty much believe in not keeping anything from my other half. If it were me in your shoes, I would want to know the truth entirely, not just some short story of the usual "oh i was just messing around" or "i wasnt sure how intimate our relationship was".

I'd want to know who they are, how long they have known them and how long its been going on. If I can gather for myself that nothing actually happened from that information then thats that, but if anything did happen.....you can bet there would be one hell of a shitstorm to endure following, because breaking trust in such a manner is a very very despicable act indeed.

 

[Sum1sgruj]

-When you can't even run an errand or visit your grandmother without your clingy gf next to you.
-Sometimes when you get home, your gf ignores you and then jumps on your shit later about something stupid like how you didn't call her earlier. When you apologize, she makes you work for it because you were just so damn wrong.
-All her mistakes are justified because, well, just because. Anyways, it isn't about her, it's about you, remember?
-She bitches about how everythings not absolutely perfect, but doesnt bother to explain why everythings not perfect. She leaves that for you to figure out, but the only imperfect thing you can think of is her.

All are good examples of being rammed up an ass