Fan Fiction FFIX True

[Kain]

Another fanfic written by my sister, which shocked me because she told me she wasn't going to write one for FFIX. Nevertheless, here it is.



Oh yeah...you KNEW it was coming...you didn't want to...you prayed to God against it...but here it is!!!

FINAL FANTASY IX TRUUUUUUUUE!!!

Aya: I'm going to puke silently now. o_o"

I BET you are!! Now, from the beginning...

There was once a man...a man by the name of Zidane.

Zidane: That's Zi-DANE, like plane, or cane, or the Great Dane. ZIDANE!!

You got that right.

Zidane was special...special in the sense that he had a monkey tail!! DUN DUN DUN...

Some Black Mage In Audience: *girly shriek*
Zidane: It's not THAT bad...*strokes tail* Ooo...aww yeeeah, you like that, dontcha?

....Rrrrrriiiiiiihgt....anywho, we meet our hero Zidane as he's climbing down a ladder from who knows where doing who knows what.

Zidane: I was masturbating 'cause I can't get any, BWUAHAHA!! I'm depressed now.

Zidane opened a door to a dark room, that he couldn't see in at all.

Zidane: It's quiet....TOO quiet....
Blank: Hi--
Zidane: *jumps and does a girly shriek*

Cinna soon came out as well, putting the candle on.

Cinna: Scaredy-cat!
Zidane: AHA!! Stupid, I'm not a cat, I'm a mongoose. <!--emo&-->

<!--endemo-->
Blank: Idiot. <!--emo&-->

<!--endemo-->"
Zidane: Where's Marcus...and Ruby?

Suddenly, Marcus came in the same door as Zidane had, with Ruby following.

Marcus: Hey guys...
Ruby: Howdy y'all!!
Zidane: YOU WERE UP WHERE I WAS TOO!!?
Marcus: Well, I wasn't....
Ruby: I was! And, boy, you really can hit that thing off. *wink wink*
Blank: RUBY, we don't need to know these things!

Suddenly, someone in a dragon mask came in.

Someone In A Dragon Mask: ARRR, I'm a dragon!! I'm also a pirate, ARRRR!!!
Blank: That's....pathetic, boss.
Someone In A Dragon Mask: Boss? I ate your boss ARRR...
Zidane: OH MY GOSH, THAT'S HORRIBLE!!!
Blank: *sigh* Look, if you're a dragon, then how would you know who our boss is?
Someone In A Dragon Mask: .......'Cause I'm a pirate too ARRR!!!
Zidane: Cursed dragon! I'LL GET REVENGE ON YOU FOR KILLING OUR BOSS!!!
Blank: I guess there's no helping it...
Marcus: Is Zidane really buying this?
Cinna: What do you expect, he's blonde.
Blank: That's prejudice, Cinna. T_T
Marcus: Yeah! You shouldn't say someone's stupid because they're blonde. T_T
Cinna: But--
Marcus and Blank: NO BUTS!!
Ruby: What about my butt?
Blank: SUR--
Marcus: *beats up Blank*
Blank: Nevermind...<!--emo&-->

<!--endemo-->"

RANDOM BATTLE

Zidane's HP: 123
Blank's HP: 34 (on account of being beaten up)
Marcus' HP: 134
Cinna's HP: 101
Ruby's HP: 55,000!!
Cinna: WHY IS RUBY SO STRONG!!?
Marcus: 'Cause....she has so much experience in battle?
Zidane: I wouldn't call it "battle" per say...XD
Blank: Zidane! I told you about my uber secret feelings for her!!
Zidane: It wasn't me...well, it wasn't ONLY me.
Blank: WHAT!!?
Marcus: Uhh...yeah, I did too.
Cinna: Hell yeah I tapped that!
Someone In A Dragon Mask: Me too!!
Party: ""
Someone In A Dragon Mask: ....Ar?
Zidane: EGADS!! It's our boss!! O_O
Blank: You JUST noticed this? <!--emo&-->

<!--endemo-->"
Zidane: *pulls off mask*
Baku: Ah, you caught me.

END OF RANDOM BATTLE
Items Earned: Three potions
Gil Earned: 500
Zidane Leveled Up!
Cinna Leveled Up!

Baku: So I was playing dress-up!! WHO DOESN'T!!?
Blank: Um...I don't.
Cinna: Neither do I.
Marcus: Me neither.
Ruby: I don' even play dress-up! Though I DO play dress-down, if y'all know wha' I mean. *wink wink*
Marcus, Cinna, and Baku: WOOOOOOOO!!
Blank: I'm the only one in here who hasn't gotten any from Ruby!?
Zidane: You know, I've always wondered....why are pickles green?
Blank: T_T
Zidane: I mean, why aren't they blue or gold or...or even RAINBOW colored? OH OH!! Blank!! We should create a rainbow-colored pickle!! <!--emo&-->

<!--endemo-->
Blank: T_T

So they eventually got into another room, with all of them sitting around.

Baku: Well, it's time to go over the plan.
Zidane: I KNOW!! We snatch 'em, rape 'em, kill 'em, kill the witnesses, and burn the town!!
Blank, Baku, Cinna, and Ruby: O_O"
Zidane: ...That's not the plan, is it?
Baku: Uhhh...no.
Zidane: Oh.
Baku: Okay! So, let's go over the plan! First, we perform for the royal family of Alexandria!
Zidane: ....Then we kill 'em?
Baku: No.
Blank: Me and Zidane will do a fight scene, and after that, we will sneak in and steal the guards' armory.
Zidane: Ohhh, and THEN we kill 'em!
Baku: No.
Zidane: Dammit.
Marcus: Then, while neither are looking, Zidane will put some sleeping herbs into the princess' tea.
Zidane: ...And the sleeping herbs--
Baku: They don't kill her, Zidane.
Zidane: Oh.
Ruby: And as she's sleepin', good ol' Zidane'll pick 'er up, and take 'er to our ship!
Zidane: And THEN we--
Baku: WE DON'T KILL HER, ZIDANE.
Zidane: ....Do we at least get to rape her?
Baku: Well...--
Cinna: *elbows Baku in stomache*
Baku: AAAH!! We don't rape her!
Zidane: Oh....I get it now!!
Baku, Cinna, Marcus, Blank, and Ruby: <!--emo&-->

<!--endemo-->
Zidane: We capture Queen Brahne!
Cinna, Marcus, Blank, and Ruby: O_O"
Baku: I'm gonna beat the living crap outta you!!
Zidane: NOOO!!! NOO BAKU, PLEEEEASE!! ;_;

Then our scene changes to our Princess in the tower of her room.

Some Male In The Audience: Wasn't that suppo--

Wasn't yo momma a whore?

Some Male In The Audience: ....No, but--

Then SHUT UP!!

Some Male In The Audience: O_O

So. As I was saying, it changes to the lovely Princess, as she awakes from a terrible dream.

Princess Of Alexandria's Thoughts: How odd...it's that same dream...where I was in a storm with another woman...we were on a boat, and the waves were crashing against it...but something was different...this time I felt this pressure on my breast, and--
Some Loud Male Voice: YOU FIEND!!
Princess Of Alexandria: Huh...?

The Princess' vision cleared as she saw her high ranking male knight scolding a lower ranking knight not of his group.

High-Ranking Male Knight: What is wrong with you!!? How DARE you put your hands on the princess!!?
Lower-Ranking Knight: I'm sorry!! It was...just...there!! AND I COUDLN'T HELP IT!!
High-Ranking Male Knight: Grr....Beatrix is gonna get it for hiring a low-scum knight like you! And you just wait 'till Queen Brahne hears of this!!
Lower-Ranking Knight: No, PLEASE don't tell her!!
Princess Of Alexandria: *gets up and walks toward Lower-Ranking Knight*
Lower-Ranking Knight: Huh?
Princess Of Alexandria: *slaps Lower-Ranking Knightand walks toward her window to open it*
High-Ranking Male Knight: Yeah, you deserved that!! And MUCH more punishment, which you'll get!!
Lower-Ranking Knight: No, PLEASE...I BEG OF YOU!!!
High-Ranking Male Knight: *continues to yell at Lower-Ranking Knight as he drags him out of the room*
Princess Of Alexandria: Hmm....*opens windows* It's such a nice day...a perfect day.

~yet to be continued~

 

[AddleBoy]

Zidane: ....Do we at least get to rape her?
Baku: Well...--
Cinna: *elbows Baku in stomache*
Baku: AAAH!! We don't rape her!

I thought that part was funny. and I think that Zidane is a little too intimate with his tail, if you know what I mean.

 

[Ezio Auditore]

lol this is well funny post more ASAP!!!

 

[Amizon]

Laughed at every point. So Zidane wants to snatch her, rape her, kill her and burn the town down? I was really lmfao at this one. This has been your best as of yet. Can't wait for more!

 

[Madison Strife]

Kain, your sister sure is talented at this writing stuff, keep it up i say

 

[Kain]

~continuing NOW!~

Well, now our scene will switch to a young Black Mage, walking in the streets.

Some Black Mage In The Audience: SCORE FOR THE BLACK MAGES!!!

This young black mage's name was Vivi Oruntia, and was here to see the play the Tantalus Group was performing in...I Want To Be Your Canary.

Vivi: Hmm...I wonder--
Mugger: *picks him up and runs away*
Vivi: AH I'M BEING KIDNAPPED!!
? ? ?: I'LL SAVE YOU!! *swings on a rope and kicks mugger's face* Now let's see who this mugger is...*unveals mask" Le GASP!! It's...it's...
Vivi: MICHAEL JACKSON!!!
Michael Jackson: But I only wanted to give this little boy some of my Jesus Juice--HEEE-HOO!! *moonwalks away*
? ? ?: That was close...YOU!! *points accusingly at Vivi* Don't you know it's bad to walk around the streets when you're a young, soft, fragile boy between the hours of 12 and 26!!?
Vivi: Umm....isn't there only 24 hours in a day?
? ? ?: QUIET!! You don't know anything!! What's your name!!?
Vivi: Um...Vivi Oruntia?
? ? ?: What is your purpose!!?
Vivi: To see the play. What does this have to do--
? ? ?: What is the atomic structure of helium!!?
Vivi: What...I DON'T KNOW, I'M ONLY NINE!!
? ? ?: Then prepare to die!!
Some Other ? ? ?: NOT ON MY WATCH!! *does the same thing ? ? ? did with Michael Jackson*
Vivi: Not this again...
Some Other ? ? ?: Now let's see YOUR true identity!! *pulls off mask* It...it can't be!! SEAN CONNERY!!
Sean Connery: I MUST STOP INVADERS WHO DO NOT KNOW THE ATOMIC STRUCTURE OF HELIUM!!
Some Other ? ? ?: YOU don't even know the atomic structure of helium.
Sean Connery: I don't have to, I'm an actor!! *twirls away*
Some Other ? ? ?: Weirdo...
Vivi: ...Y-...You're not gonna attack me too, are you?
Some Other ? ? ?: No, stupid. My name's Puck. And I overheard your name's Vivi Oruntia. HA!! That's my name too!!
Vivi: You just said your name was Puck.
Puck: I JUST WANNA FIT IIIIIIN!!! *sobs*

Vivi and Puck got along, and Puck even went with Vivi to turn the ticket in.

Vivi: Okay, Mr. Ticket Master, mister sir, I'm here to give you this here ticket to the play, sir.
Mr. Ticket Master: AHA!! It is le dud!!
Vivi: But that can't be!!
Mr. Ticket Master: Oui oui!! You see this 'ear driver's licensce code? It shouldn't be zere, because no one here drives a car! THEY HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN INVENTED, NO!?
Vivi: No...
Mr. Ticket Master: Oh, I see you are le troubelld!! Would you like some free trading cards?
Vivi: T_T You expect me to feel happy with TRADING CARDS!?
Mr. Ticket Master: How about some ice cream?
Vivi: *pulls Mr. Ticket Master out of booth, beats living crap outta him, kicks him on the head and very private place for men, sets him on fire, and flips him off* Burn in f*cking hell, you French bastard. *walks out*

Vivi and Puck decided to sit on the steps of a cathedral, and wallow in Vivi's misery.

Vivi: I can't believe it was a fake....all the gil I've wasted....all the lives I've destroyed...
Puck: O_O
Vivi: I mean--all the gil I've wasted...
Puck: It's okay Vivi because I know how you can get in WITHOUT a ticket. *sly grin*
Vivi: But HOW!!? That's an impossible dream!! Sort of like winning the Special Olympics!!
Random Passerby: You horrible person. *continues on with day*
Vivi: ?
Puck: Oh yeah? Well, let me prove to you it's not!

Puck and Vivi went to get supplies.

Puck: Okay! All I need is a ladder, some shaving cream, a monkey, a farfetnuugen, a puchuu, some duct tape, a farfletch, a cleavage, a rock, and a platypus!
Vivi: What's a rock?

They got all the things they needed and got to the castle wall to put the ladder there and go up.

Vivi: *looks back and sees and almost dead platypus, a used farfletch, a dead puchuu saying "why do you kill me so easily" in a manly voice, duct tape all over a monkey who's limbs have obviously been torn off and put back on multiple times, a sexy woman with her cleavage showing, and a rock covered with shaving cream* Why did we need the farfetnuugen?
Puck: I wanted something to hold. ;_;

So Vivi and Puck finally got to the play...and they got their just in time. They pretended to be audience members when everyone broke into applause for the beginning of the play.

And so I'm not gonna write anymore. Buh-bye now!

Audience: GET BACK HERE!!

~yet to be continued~

 

[Ezio Auditore]

lol this one had me in fits of laughter carry on ASAP

 

[Amizon]

Michael Jackson just appearing all of a sudden made me lmfao. How dare he rescue Vivi! Vivi should've burnt his ass. Good stuff, good stuff! Can't wait for more.

 

[AddleBoy]

a dead puchuu saying "why do you kill me so easily" in a manly voice

I remember, that's from Excel Saga

-nice job. keep up the funny

 

[darkmessenger180]

Yeah I liked it to I write to ,but I have never posted one before