Yup, so this here is the thread to discuss my untitled futuristic fantasy novel. =3 Thanks for reading and keep watching because I WILL update it!
Original [Discussion] Dragon Mages unamed fantasy novel
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Æon Flux
I dont discriminate I hate everyone equally
Loved the story hun!...and the add on too ur siggy to the s is supposed to be an a...
It was very interesting I cant wait for the next chapter! Werry well done!
It was very interesting I cant wait for the next chapter! Werry well done!
*.* Thankies Ether! Will change the sig... so did the whole reason why they use guns and swords in the futuristic setting make sense?
That's my greatest fear, and it's pretty important.
That's my greatest fear, and it's pretty important.
Æon Flux
I dont discriminate I hate everyone equally
Hmmm at first once it starts it dosent have the Futeristic feel but once you go in to details about the weapons and such you definately get the feel of it....it almost pops up and bites ya...
I would say just keep with the good descriptions of suroundings but throw in a lil "history" as you do....
Like " The Gunblade Sherlotta used was crafted durring the last known war as a means to fight hand to hand and at a distance" or "The glazed glass windows where made at the turn of the centery to keep the biting toxic rays of the sun from eating away at the skin while still alowing one to enjoy the sunshine." Just a few odd examples.
It'll give your story a more "true" Feeling if a mite bit o history is involved.
But Im so far still enjoying the story and can wait for the next chapter!
I would say just keep with the good descriptions of suroundings but throw in a lil "history" as you do....
Like " The Gunblade Sherlotta used was crafted durring the last known war as a means to fight hand to hand and at a distance" or "The glazed glass windows where made at the turn of the centery to keep the biting toxic rays of the sun from eating away at the skin while still alowing one to enjoy the sunshine." Just a few odd examples.
It'll give your story a more "true" Feeling if a mite bit o history is involved.
But Im so far still enjoying the story and can wait for the next chapter!
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I've enjoyed the story so far though I have noted a few things a touch awry.
First I noticed a lack of description regarding who seems to be the main character, Razina. Granted the reader can easily see her but she is put into their aesthetic. If thats what you desire then this point is void but if you want to get across how she looks to you then i would advise some more description of how she looks.
Second mage has no gender; it works for both male and female. If you want to distiguish gender for magic users then sorceror/sorceress would be a better fit.
Then theres the conversation with the other slave int he caravan. It seems a touch forced as though it was an effort to add something that didnt really fit. Additionally it introduced the energy whip, an obvious threat, yet it did nothing to describe what it does. Though what the whip does is later explained it would have gone better here which is part ly why it seems forced to me.
Other than those I loved the battle scene. Well written and unexpected.
First I noticed a lack of description regarding who seems to be the main character, Razina. Granted the reader can easily see her but she is put into their aesthetic. If thats what you desire then this point is void but if you want to get across how she looks to you then i would advise some more description of how she looks.
Second mage has no gender; it works for both male and female. If you want to distiguish gender for magic users then sorceror/sorceress would be a better fit.
Then theres the conversation with the other slave int he caravan. It seems a touch forced as though it was an effort to add something that didnt really fit. Additionally it introduced the energy whip, an obvious threat, yet it did nothing to describe what it does. Though what the whip does is later explained it would have gone better here which is part ly why it seems forced to me.
Other than those I loved the battle scene. Well written and unexpected.
Ah! thankies so much! This is the second time I've heard a request to see more main character description, which is the first I've ever seen such a request! I'll be sure add some in. As for the history thing... I'm not sure. I'll see what I can do, but I wouldn't like to force anything. Maybe mention something about an ancient combustion engine car trundling by. That might do the trick.
Also, Gavin, didn't I use mage/magess? Mage=male magess=female. The -ess suffix; see it there? Is that enough or should I still change it?
And I will fix the conversation, thankies!
I greatly value all critique! Will +rep ya for it!
Also, Gavin, didn't I use mage/magess? Mage=male magess=female. The -ess suffix; see it there? Is that enough or should I still change it?
And I will fix the conversation, thankies!
I greatly value all critique! Will +rep ya for it! 
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I didn't realize there was a discussion thread for this. 
I've been waiting for you to sign online, Caitlin, so I could comment on it.
I really did enjoy reading it and I think it's really well done. I think Ether and Gavin hit on the parts that I would have suggested work on as well.
I would like to see more character description and history but I also feel that it should be written into the story well and not forced. I like for the history to be worked into the story and add as opposed to just being shoved into it. Great job overall and I can't wait to read more. xD
I've been waiting for you to sign online, Caitlin, so I could comment on it.
I really did enjoy reading it and I think it's really well done. I think Ether and Gavin hit on the parts that I would have suggested work on as well.
I would like to see more character description and history but I also feel that it should be written into the story well and not forced. I like for the history to be worked into the story and add as opposed to just being shoved into it. Great job overall and I can't wait to read more. xD
Oh, hey! Thank you! 
Glad to know I have so few problems with it that need fixing! *does a little dance*
As for MSN, I haven't been on in months because it refuses to work. It. Just. Won't. Sign. In. The cause is a mystery. :\ I'm limited to PMs now. sorry!
I'm currently tweaking the first few chapters right now as has been suggested. I'm also starting the first chapter a little earlier to give some more down-time before the capture scene. Hopefully it'll be just as good a hook as what I have now. Thankies for reading! Edits should be up in a few days, and the third chapter in a week or so.
Glad to know I have so few problems with it that need fixing! *does a little dance*
As for MSN, I haven't been on in months because it refuses to work. It. Just. Won't. Sign. In. The cause is a mystery. :\ I'm limited to PMs now. sorry!
I'm currently tweaking the first few chapters right now as has been suggested. I'm also starting the first chapter a little earlier to give some more down-time before the capture scene. Hopefully it'll be just as good a hook as what I have now.
Thankies for reading! Edits should be up in a few days, and the third chapter in a week or so.
Actually what i was saying is that mage covers both male and female. To be honest this has been the first time i've seen the word magess and i think it may be because it lookes like someone made a typo writing mages [plural]. If youre wanting to keep mage though just put female mage.
Ah! Good point, Gavin, I never thought about that. Huh. It absolutely never occurred to me that it might look like a typo! Thank you, I'll be sure to change it. =3