Disability and Serious/Sexual Relationships

[Steve-O]

This was a pretty big topic I was having a nice discussion with a friend from youth club and my girlfriend the other night, and I wanted to discuss it further.

We were discussing about society's view on disabled people when it comes to having a serious and meaningful relationship, as well as having an healthy sex life within said relationship. We were discussing about past experiences, as well as a few interesting encounters me and my girlfriend have had when being 'affectionate' in public. The questions that we asked ourselves were:

Do society view 2 disabled people in a serious and happy relationship, where they love eachother less serious than any other relationship?

Does society assume that because somebody is disabled, they are unable to have a happy and healthy sexual relationship?

On the first one, we were discussing about times when say, for example, me and my girlfriend 'we're are both disabled' have been say for example, holding hands, hugging on a bench, sharing a kiss etc, have had comments of 'arrrrrrr, that's cute' or 'looooook at them, their in love it sweet'. I wouldn't dream of doing that to somebody, and most of the time I do not see people doing it with your standard coupe, so why point out the fact that there are '2 disabled people' in love. It sometimes feels to me when people do that is that people don't view 2 disabled people together as an serious thing?

The second bit arose after i talked about a personal experience I had 2 years ago, I was at a club on holiday with my older brother, it was about 3 months after i spilt up with my first relationship i consiered 'serious' at the time 'trust me it wasn't'. I was being chatted up by a girl there, she was a little older than me but I was fine with it, we were talking and dancing, firiting with eachother all night. I was having a great night, afterwards just as the club she seemed to offered to 'come back to mine' I was nervous at the time as I never had any sort of an sexual experience back then, but I agreeed. Just as she left she changed her mind, stating 'Oh, you wouldnt be able to give me the pleasure I need anyway, you have no arms'. Pretty much stating that because I have my disability, my preformance in the bedroom would 100% be bad.

I also had a very common question, that is 'With your disability, would you be able to have sex, etc etc'. it really feels that society thinks that just because you have a disability, a sexual relationship is out of the question, when that's far from the case, I'm disabled, my partner disabled, and we have a good relationship in that sense.

What are your views on the matter, i'm very interested to hear other people's views on the matter.

 

[Dionysos]

It’s a thing which needs to be addressed, but it possibly stems from people nervously not knowing how to react when witnessing disabled couples.

Public displays of affection can make people nervous in general but people try to ignore it. When a person sees disabled people making affectionate displays then additional forces are acting on the viewer. Perhaps they see the disability first (which makes them feel guilty), and then they see the display of affection, which reassures them that the disabled people have found love, are happy and enjoying themselves, and that signals that they can feel less guilty. Sometimes then people can vocally ‘awwww’ or make some sort of comment about how sweet it is, for they are relieved and can continue with their day.

I don’t think that this reaction is because romance between disabled people is considered less serious, but interpreting these reactions as suggesting that is understandable as these are the same reactions that people have when they see children expressing affection with each other. It can come across as patronising, I can imagine. Drawing on that, I guess it also depends on the disability. There are people who unfortunately regard disabled adults as comparable to children, in that they may be dependents or that they might not have the mental levels of a typical adult, and sadly a lot of people may be swept under the Rug of Generalisations here.

It’s probably not intentional, and it’s not right, but I guess that might be part of it. It’s just another layer of people’s attitudes to disability which should be discussed and we should be thinking about.

As for people thinking that disabled people can’t have serious sexual relationships, I think popular opinion is being informed these days anyway. Lots of people have seen the movie The Theory of Everything, and many people have been thinking about the life of Stephen Hawking as a result, and so all shall know that it is not necessarily the case at all that disabled people can't have healthy relationships, get married, have children, etc. Some disabilities do affect people in this way, but not all, and people shouldn't assume that it would just because of a noticeable disability.

Some disabled people have more romantic success than some able-bodied people do. Although disability can sometimes get in the way of that (even if not physically, then perhaps when it comes to other people’s attitudes towards disability), disability itself doesn’t have to have anything to do with love and physical relationships.

 

[Six]

In my personal opinion, if anything I always seem to feel like people that have a disability appreciate things a lot more than your regular person. Romance included.

I don't necessarily think that society views it as though people with a disability can't have what the regular person has, or aren't able to have a healthy sex life or social life for that matter. I do think that society hovers over these people more if anything surprised that people who have it so difficult can still appreciate the little things in life.

I don't think having a disability means you have less right to have healthy romantic relationship, any relationship or anything that your "regular" person has. Disability or not, I think we're all equal in that sense and everyone deserves to be happy. I don't necessarily think it's frowned upon. If I ever caught myself staring it would be because I'm happy to see people who have it "difficult" in my eyes be genuinely happy. It's a personal reminder and slightly uplifting in some situations even.