Serious Depression. (RANT/SADNESS)

[Mermaid]

I don't even know why I'm posting, because I don't think I am for answers or anything - I just need a good old rant really.

Where do I start?

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Well, I guess I better start by letting you all know I have a long history with Mental Health difficulties/illnesses, such as I quote 'Severe Clinical Depression', 'Severe Anxiety Disorder' and possibly Bipolar, apparently. My mental health issues started at about 11-12, so I have been stuck with some form of whatever I listed, in one form or another, for about 8-9 years now.

I was doing well and good on Monday, average day, got some shopping done for my parents, went on a walk with my support worker who's actually become my friend, and she and I got talking about my relationship issues. She stated that while my boyfriend does seem like a nice guy; I could do better in many ways due to him occasionally taking his stress out on me and other friends of his. (He lives about 100 miles away though because we met at boarding school at 16) I would often find myself making more effort within the relationship than he did - He barely wanted to go out, and complains if I wear a certain amount of makeup at times. Regardless of all this - I really love him. I see it just as him prefering a more clear-faced look than full-on with the makeup thing, like many men do. He has anger management issues, but I don't even care as long as nothing too shocking happens. Anyway. to cut a long story short - I decided to message him asking for a few months time out... I think I rushed into it.

He was hurt, as most probably would be if it was broken to that way... and started posting idiotic things on facebook (surprising place to, I know ).. people started taking his side etc, despite knowing the full story, but hey, that IS facebook for you. Anyway, it spiralled me off into the state I'm in now. I did something (I swore to myself I would never do again) that night basically, and he just said 'I hope you get feeling better soon or something' when my mum convinced me to let him know the concequences of the garbage he put on facebook. I was feeling so delusional and hurt at the way he was making me look so villainous on his page and via texts to me, I got back together with him sort-of without telling anyone. Now he is being more sympathetic and being sweet about me feeling so ill mentally (it has lasted until today so far, and every morning I wake up wishing I could sleep forever or some shit like that). I keep crying, my appetite is going up and down every few hours, and I am very sleepy, as though I had been doing hard labour for a day.

I went to see a woman from a mental health team this morning to discuss what I did and what route to take. I am starting Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or something within a month... But I'm scared. I am scared of how I am not snapping out of this (I would of by now), and how my mood keeps dropping to despair about my existance. My mother thinks I'm in the right in my weird relationship issues as she keeps saying 'You're only young, and him triggering you when he knows the problems you have is not right really' but I can't help the feelings I have for him. I know he can be a prick like I can be a bitch sometimes, but he's really triggered this issue (which I sort of felt coming anyway), and I can't shake out of it even though we are kind of back together.

To sum it up; my life, my mind and everything is just seriously fucked up right now. I can't think straight, and I'm worried about it all. My relationship, my relationships with others, my appearance, my mental health: everything.

I just wish some meds or therapy did actually work and take all this away - for as long as possible.

</wordvomit>

 

[Shu]

I can empathize in a few ways, and I won't go on the EVIL facebook rant, due to I am a hypocrite and use it, but in my opinion use it for "the good" and not the bad.

Let me start out by saying, I have no medical sanctions, background, know how, I only have experience with talking with people who have been heavily medicated. I also talk with people non medicated, but in my opinion it would do them a world of good to take a medication or two, due to the amount of negativity they put them self in and the rut they are stuck in, can not be shaken by neither you or me.

I have no right to speak for your significant other, I'm sorry but I doubt anyone does. I think what you are going through is a bit more than just him, and to even bring him into the equation would just make things a bit irrational for me.

Let's talk about how you were before you met him I guess or just before you dated. How did you feel alone? Has depression been pretty chronic throughout the years?

The thing I've experienced with most folks who claim to be depressed, is from an outside they have a rift in them. That no matter how they try to fill the void, the void just widens bit by bit. They have either given up, which in turns means they are actually depressed. (no adrenaline or chemicals within to make them happy).

Giving up is the first sign of depression in my opinion, not sadness. Sadness just means you have feeling and you keep feeling it, depression sort of means (in my head at least) that you said you gave up and will remain numb and complacent and all flavor of your life turns to grey and rusty.

Aka your own personal hell inside your head. No one to understand what you are going through, and when they attempt to read you, you just feel like they are patronizing you or making you feel like a child. That or they just don't understand.

I had a distant friend, hell he wasn't really a friend, just a bud I played football with. He was liked by all, captain of the JV football team for a bit and smiled left and right. One day he took a 9 mm and put one in his head. Now I say to myself, well that doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense, but to dig deeper behind someone's eyes.. it takes a large effort sometimes. He was a good kid, had great grades, had a girlfriend - but who knows. Leaves you with that empty silence that no one will understand.

We weren't put here on earth to understand everything that goes inside people's head. Despite the overwhelming amount of research and the overwhelming amount psychoanalysis, they still haven't been able to come up with enough "illnesses" to categorize every literal depression.

Depression can often times be a total imbalance of the chemicals, which you have no way of controlling, which often times becomes bipolar disorder or the roller coaster. You feel up one moment, then something is off... like a glitch in the matrix. You get the feeling of something missing but sometimes you don't even know what.

Then there's situational depression, where if you are put in a bad situation, and you can't get out you start becoming ultimately sad. Your boyfriend/girlfriend breaks up, and you can't get closure. Your friend/sibling/parent/family member dies.. and you can't get closure. Child abuse/molestation or you get injured to where you can't do normal daily tasks. You are born with an illness which most people don't understand. Just bad things in general happen around you in which you can't control. So when people can't understand you.. they either categorize you as insane or weird.

So I say all this to say.. Maybe a relationship is not what you need right now. Maybe something is calling out to you that could actually help you in turn feel better. For him, he's in a rough spot, though I agree facebook wasn't the best bet of handling his situation. But in today's society we are so quick to demonize folks. I mean just the other day, I had to move my wife's boss out of her house.. right in front of their kids, because she felt that because the father wasn't having sex and feeling like a husband anymore.. that she should leave the family (his house) altogether.

Sometimes all we need is a break from reality to see what we truly miss. If you step back and stay.. hey I need my distance, can you back off a bit for now? See how he reacts. If he's a sobby baby about it.. and you take him back.. then that's only on you.

Though if you see that having him was the best thing that happened to you, then tell him what you feel about him. Otherwise, you could either lose him forever, or he could misunderstand you and be abusive (verbally) or worse over time.

 

[Mermaid]

Firstly, thanks for replying to this big jumble of emotion, haha, I appreciate it.

Well, I guess depression started 'officially' at maybe 13 at earliest, and it developed severely when I was 15, but I did get quite a bit better at about 16. At 13 I had had a hard time with my health care services, and home life was nowhere near how it should be (even if it is much better now), I became so ill with depression I had to leave school and drop study for at least a year, if I remember correctly - hence why I went to this boarding school I mentioned which did studying differently, and I caught up a bit. So I guess that was when it all started as more than the occasional bit of low feeling(s).

At 15 I was so low I was nearly sent to hospital which I am not a stranger to; the thought of going back there was like being sent to hell really. this worried me more, so they got an early intervention team sorted for me to help me nearly every day of the week at one point. I never did get re-admitted thank goodness... But it was a scary time for someone like me.

At 16 I finally joined the above mentioned school... it did help. A lot. I felt human, and like I could do more normal things again. This was until the age of 19, when I went through a lot of trauma over leaving the place (Change really unsettles me if it's been the same for years), and had to go on a short-use anxiety reduser drug to help me stop trying to harm myself. It calmed down and all was relatively okay until recently...

I explained to my 'sort-of' other half that I was beginning to feel unwell again mentally, hence why I wanted a little break. He took it the completely the wrong way - and I freaked out, but not at him, at myself. I blamed myself for what he was feeling, Something I do far far too often automatically - I'm not sure if his actions on things like facebook were why I became so low, I just feel it gave this negative pent-up emotions an excuse to burst out of me, if you see what I mean. My parents and other say I do at times take the emotions felt by loved ones and friends and feel too much like I'm in their shoes - and I can get upset about something that has little to do with me.

I don't know, I'm trying to ride the storm but I have broke down in tears at least 2-3 times today. I just hope tomorrow will be better.

 

[Richard B Riddick]

In a way, its good for you to see how he acts when hes angry or upset.

Better now than after you've moved in with him, married him or made major commitments.

He might always act this way when hes angry or upset about something. And, it may be very difficult for him to change.

If you're 100 miles from him and it seems bad, it may be worse if you're standing next to him or living with him.

At least on facebook you can ignore him or logoff to get away from him. In real life that's not so much an option.

Also, you might get an idea of who your real friends are & who you can rely on. Anyone who doesn't care about you or care enough to hear your side of things may not be a real friend. Fk em'.

Don't worry about being depressed. The first few times people are rejected or stressed out over relationship troubles it might affect them. But, the more it happens the easier it is to deal with. It might seem like the end of the world and you might feel like you disappointed people or let them down... But, give it time. It'll eventually pass, you'll forget about it & life'll return to normal.

 

[Mermaid]

You have a very similar opinion to my mother. I tell my mum everything, and she feels that it's better this way to know his limits then before something bad could happen e.g. after I am married or at least living with him. I guess you are right about the so called 'friends' too... Probably not worth my time.

I feel a bit better today - not great, bit a tad more human. Thanks for the replies

 

[Squalllionheart]

I'm sorry to hear about you going through such a hard time, I know it isn't easy dealing with all this crap at the same time. If you want to chat\whine\bitch\moan then feel free to hurl abuse my way I won't ever take it personally and I can help you sort out some of these thoughts that you have as I have been in a slightly similar situation myself.

If you want, PM me and I will do everything in my power to try and make your life that little bit easier. If you choose not to that's fine I hope you feel better very soon.

 

[Mermaid]

I'm sorry to hear about you going through such a hard time, I know it isn't easy dealing with all this crap at the same time. If you want to chat\whine\bitch\moan then feel free to hurl abuse my way I won't ever take it personally and I can help you sort out some of these thoughts that you have as I have been in a slightly similar situation myself.

If you want, PM me and I will do everything in my power to try and make your life that little bit easier. If you choose not to that's fine I hope you feel better very soon.

Thank you for the concern! I am okay right now; I forgot to update this thread letting you lot know how I've been! I haven't even looked at it for a bit, so apologies!

I've been feeling much better now - It was really hard climbing back out of it but I did within about a week this time... which leads me to suspect even more that I must have some kind of Mood Disorder but aw well, I guess I will have to discuss that with the doc if it happens again.

The relationship with the mentioned lad has gotten better and is almost completely back to normal now. I feel like I hurt him and although he doesn't act hurt anymore, I do sometimes feel guilty for the amount of sh*t I have hurled at him. On top of that we're worried about a typical young couple problem too... but maybe this isn't the place to mention it.