Original A Heart of Two Worlds

[Ayatai]

~Prologue~

The dream began in a sea of red flowers. Two silhouettes stood facing each other, one of a young girl the other of an elderly man. Sounds of footsteps and then yelling was then heard in the distance. "Come we must hurry" the male spoke as he took hold of the girls sleeve, and tugged her along as they turned and started running as fast as they could across the field. "Where are we going? What has happened?" the young girl questioned as they ran. He though did not answer.

They ran and ran as though the sound of footsteps sounded as though they kept getting closer and theirs did no good. The sounds of dogs barking could now also be heard now. "Let us hurry little one, we must leave this place..." the elderly man told her as he noticed the slowing in pace between the two of them. She nodded with no questions asked and continued running.

A gunshot sounded off behind them, their running now eventually came to a stop as the girl's steps would start to pass him and turn to see why he had slowed down. A gunshot wound could be seen bleeding from his chest as he collapsed to the ground. "Oji-sama!!!" the young girl cried and ran over, kneeling by his side.

The old man turned his head to look at the tear-ridden young girl. By now he knew there was no chance to survive, the bullet had hit him in a vital area and he had not long to live. He smiled weakly at her, "I must leave you now young one... my time in this world is past due..."

"No, you can't leave! You have to stay with me!" she cried as she clung onto his jacket. He watched her for a moment as strands of her long black hair fell over her shoulders and how some of them stuck to her face from the tears. This time he did not smile when he spoke again. "I am sorry... but I must... but there is one request if you would take it.."

"What is it? I can do it Oji-sama.." she asked wiping away the tears upon her face. This allowed him to smile lightly seeing how she could calm down just a little. "If one day you should ever meet my grandson. Tell him... tell him I was sorry..." The young girl silently nodded at his request, and he again smiled as he reached up and placed a hand upon the side of her face. "Now.. I must go... Take care of yourself Lei-la..." his voice quieted as he brought his hand down to his chest placing it with the other, smiling weakly to her once more as he closed his eyes for the final time.

No sound was heard as time seemed to stop for only a few moments in the sea of flowers. The young girl still crouched over the man as she buried her face into his chest. Soon footsteps again were heard coming closer and again the dogs barking apparently had not stopped. Closer and closer the sounds came, eventually close enough till they stopped. The canines as well quieted as their masters told them to do so. Leila looked slightly up as she knew now that people were right around her. She wrapped her arms tightly around the body of the man whom had just recently died. Soon enough she knew they would notice her and they did. "Look, there's a girl with the corpse" one of them sneered gesturing toward her with the gun in his hand.

Seeing the gun in his hand made her tighten the grip on him even more. "Get away from me! Leave me and Oji-sama alone!!" she screamed hiding her face once again into the lifeless corpse. There was laughing from the men as they reached toward her as the dream faded into darkness and black feathers filled the sky.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

---First I would like to say is that this is one of my very first original written works, so far I have only gotten this far. But I would like feedback, like if you would like me to add more to it and in case since i'm not well with all this, you can say in general what things you would like me to add. I don't know the name of the story yet, but as time heads on I might figure it out... It is only the prologue of many chapters to come i hope

Feedback is welcomed ---

 

[Dionysos]

~Prologue~

The dream began in a sea of red flowers. Two silhouettes stood facing each other, one of a young girl the other of an elderly man. Sounds of footsteps and then yelling was then heard in the distance. "Come we must hurry" the male spoke as he took hold of the girls sleeve, and tugged her along as they turned and started running as fast as they could across the field. "Where are we going? What has happened?" the young girl questioned as they ran. He though did not answer.

They ran and ran as though the sound of footsteps sounded as though they kept getting closer and theirs did no good. The sounds of dogs barking could now also be heard now. "Let us hurry little one, we mus leave this place..." the elderly man told her as he noticed the slowing in pace between the two of them. She nodded with no questions asked and continued running.

A gunshot sounded off behind them, their running now eventually came to a stop as the girl's steps would start to pass him and turn to see why he had slowed down. A gunshot wound could be seen bleeding from his chest as he collapsed to the ground. "Oji-sama!!!" the young girl cried and ran over, kneeling by his side.

The old man turned his head to look at the tear-ridden young girl. By now he knew there was no chance to survive, the bullet had hit him in a vital area and he had not long to live. He smiled weakly at her, "I must leave you now young one... my time in this world is past due..."

"No, you can't leave! You have to stay with me!" she cried as she clung onto his jacket. He watched her for a moment as strands of her long black hair fell over her shoulders and how some of them stuck to her face from the tears. This time he did not smile when he spoke again. "I am sorry... but I must... but there is one request if you would take it.."

"What is it? I can do it Oji-sama.." she asked wiping away the tears upon her face. This allowed him to smile lightly seeing how she could calm down just a little. "If one day you should ever meet my grandson. Tell him... tell him I was sorry..." The young girl silently nodded at his request, and he again smiled as he reached up and placed a hand upon the side of her face. "Now.. I must go... Take care of yourself Lei-la..." his voice quieted as he brought his hand down to his chest placing it with the other, smiling weakly to her once more as he closed his eyes for the final time.

No sound was heard as time seemed to stop for only a few moments in the sea of flowers. The young girl still crouched over the man as she buried her face into his chest. Soon footsteps again were heard coming closer and again the dogs barking apparently had not stopped. Closer and closer the sounds came, eventually close enough till they stopped. The canines as well quieted as their masters told them to do so. Leila looked slightly up as she knew now that people were right around her. She wrapped her arms tightly around the body of the man whom had just recently died. Soon enough she knew they would notice her and they did. "Look, there's a girl with the corpse" one of them sneered gesturing toward her with the gun in his hand.

Seeing the gun in his hand made her tighten the grip on him even more. "Get away from me! Leave me and Oji-sama and me alone!!" she screamed hiding her face once again into the lifeless corpse. There was laughing from the men as they reached toward her as the dream faded into darkness and black feathers filled the sky.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

---First I would like to say is that this is one of my very first original written works, so far I have only gotten this far. But I would like feedback, like if you would like me to add more to it and in case since i'm not well with all this, you can say in general what things you would like me to add. I don't know the name of the story yet, but as time heads on I might figure it out... It is only the prologue of many chapters to come i hope

Feedback is welcomed ---

First of all, great job on getting this written and posted. People don't do this sort of thing enough here, so this is appreciated. I don't consider myself a literary genius or anything, but I tend to enter the fiction writing contests on this site for fun so I'll offer a few words of advice (and encouragement) based on what little I can offer.

This has promise as an opening hook for a larger story, but it would benefit from a few more rounds of editing. There are some instances of repeated words within the same sentence. Two notable examples of this are “…as though the sound of footsteps sounded as though…” (both ‘sound/sounded’ and ‘as though’ are repeated within the same sentence and are surplus), and “Leave me and Oji-sama and me alone!!” (this lists ‘me’ twice making it seem like a list of three where only two people are meant).

When a new speaker enters the conversation it needs to start on a new line too. In this story there are multiple speakers within a single paragraph and it can be confusing for the reader.

Another recommendation would be to increase descriptive adjectives (maybe even a few metaphors and similes?) in order to complete the picture and help the reader to become immersed and really visualise what it might be like to be there in the moment. You have some here already (I like the sea of red flowers imagery), and while it wouldn’t do to go overboard either I think it would benefit from some more. The sound of footsteps are described, but can the nature of that sound be more precise? For example, they are in a field, so is it the soft, swooshy footsteps of interlopers disturbing or trampling the flowers and grass? Or are the interlopers, who are described as being in the distance, instead making a louder, crisp noise on a nearby stone/pebbled path? What sort of noise is their footwear making? That sort of thing in a small handful of words builds up a clearer image for your audience.

The girl’s black hair is described, but are there any ways to introduce a description for some of the features of the other characters (like the elderly man, the chasing group and the dogs)? If they are deliberately ambiguous, because this is a dream sequence, then perhaps enhance their ambiguity and draw attention to their intangible nature. But if you want your audience to have a clear image of these figures, perhaps in a few words give some hints as to their appearance.

Good luck with the rest of the story. I’d love to see more!

 

[Ayatai]

Thank you for the helpful comment. I know I am not the best writer and I kind of just moved it from my deviant on over, didn't think twice on checking the grammar since I was at work at the time

 

[Dionysos]

Thank you for the helpful comment. I know I am not the best writer and I kind of just moved it from my deviant on over, didn't think twice on checking the grammar since I was at work at the time

Yeah, I could tell it was something like that. Those were easy mistakes, which is why I said that a few rounds of editing would easily sort it.

I hope my comment didn't come across as negative though. I was just offering feedback.

I liked the piece and would love to see more.

We sometimes run writing contests (for fun, really, nothing serious) on this site during our seasonal events. So if you enjoy writing and want to continue to hone your skills, maybe you can join us in entering one of those in due course?

 

[Ayatai]

I've been trying to write more, I had a few chapters already written down. I just need to find that notebook again. And don't worry. I did not take it negitavely, thank you for the feedback.