OmniscientOnus
Blue Mage
~SapphireStar~,
I would like to first of all mention that I didn't bother reading any replies, with the exception of the first. It disheartens me to hear two people in a row state that that sort of work schedule alone can be the cause of any amount of stress. If anything, working is good for the body, the mind, and the soul. It keeps one moving, active, cognitive, and while we all need our breaks here and there, 40 hours a week (which is the ultimate of typical) is no excessive burden. I myself work 12 hours Mon-Fri, and then 8 on Sat, taking Sun off for my own sanity. Even working that schedule, I don't feel excessively drained, and I, just like everybody else, have a very stressful job.
So, not to put down your boyfriend, or you, but I first think that you should throw away the idea that work is causing any undue stress. As a matter of fact, stress, in small to mild doses, is very good for a person. Now, if your boyfriend is a brain surgeon, and he spends those 8 hours a day operating on a person's fragile brain, all the while holding their very life in his hands, almost completely dependent on a fully functional staff of nurses and aids working together like a finely tuned machine to bring the person on the table through... then I can see why he needs a week off of work. However, coming from a strictly psychological standpoint, the work he is most likely doing is, at it's very worst, allowing his mind to stray from the burdens of home life. It may sound silly, but by separating your life into two different burdens (not that either is all, or hopefully even mostly, bad), you actually develop a far stronger stress coping ability. After all, half of the day you get to play with one set of stress, then forget all about, go home, and mess around with the other.
I would have to agree that there is a high probability that the naming of an ex boyfriend could have possibly brought along unneeded complications in the relationship. It is not uncommon to find jealousy as the key component to a failed relationship. It all stems from a natural root of possessiveness that we all have, but that's a little to far into psychology to prove useful to your issue at hand. Ultimately, the naming of the ex (much the running of the bulls) can be a very stressful ordeal and I recommend straying from it as much as physically possible.
However, I don't believe that this is the majority of the problem. it would seem as though somewhere in your boyfriends head, images of things not working out are dancing and prancing about. And, whether he knows it or not, odds are it all began with the thought of commitment. I'm not even taking about just marriage, even the smallest forms of commitment, like a date, can cause unreasonable unease in a person, especially one of the male persuasion. Much of those feelings stem from the urge to be with more than one person. It's not so much that I believe that people are naturally inclined to need more than one mate in life, or to "spread their seed" as it is often referred to as, but that I believe that people enjoy the excitement, fear, anxiety, giddiness, that comes from having a new and fresh relationship, that they become nervous and disoriented when they first realize (subconsciously even) that they won't ever have that again.
When you first reach a state of comfort with each other in a relationship, it is a glorious time, usually filled with sex, upon sex, upon cuddly lovey dovey mushiness. But, soon after looms the cold, anxiety ridden, confusing rodeo of the commitments (much like the mondays). Unfortunately, if this is the case, and it almost always is, the best prescription is a few weeks of an unbridled, passionate, yet meaningless, relationship with another girl. After which the graces of a comfortable relationship suddenly become oh-so clear.
Since that option probably isn't going to go over well with you, I would do the following:
1. Give him some space, but don't disappear into the background. Let him know you still care with little notes on cards, perhaps with a bit of naughtiness to give him a "male reminder" of what he is getting out of this deal that seems so raw to him.
2. Make dates instead of assuming you will see each other. It has been said by more than one person that the best parts in life are the parts that involve anticipation. Why else do holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving go over so well? The gifts and food? No, the anticipation of gifts and food that undoubtedly come to fruition (nothing is worse than crushed anticipation... in other words, if you make a date, don't break it). A good idea of a date at this point would be a romantic late night picnic in a secluded area under the stars. Yes, your man will love it. We have a sensitive side too.
3. Give yourself some space. Make use of the time that you are giving him, and make it your own. It could help ease the burden when it falls upon yourself. These sort of feeling aren't restricted to men, but do usually hit them first (and often harder).
4. Don't let his time take too much time. If you're going to give him some free time, and his own space, don't make it so long that you drift apart. Time apart is the number one cause of a broken relationship, even amongst friends. You would be amazed by how your best friend can quickly become a very unappealing individual when you haven't seen them in awhile.
5. Don't overdue it. Two, maybe three weeks, a couple notes, a few dates, and maybe a sleepover should more than fix the situation. If at this point things are looking worse instead of better, it may be time to consider the idea that you two weren't meant for each other. A month apart can be the hellish nightmare that lets the mind wander too far, but three weeks can be the R&R that put your mind, and body, at ease. Time is a fickle thing, and combined with the unpredictable nature of the human mind, a little time can be a lifesaver, while a little more time can be a nuclear holocaust.
6. Have sex (if you're comfortable with it, no need to bring it up just because of what's going on) when you cut off the time alone. Nothing is a better reminder of why we want something more than a good, quick blast of endorphines. On the same token, be careful of how you "cut off the alone time", you don't want him to fully realize what's going on. As a matter of fact, it's better that you don't mention it at all, and just make it seem more natural. He has a lot of thinking to do after all, and having him know that you're worried about the relationship is just going to cause unnecessary pressure.
The next, and last, two steps are more than likely the most important of them all.
7. All of the previous stages should be implied. In other words, this isn't something that should be written down on your calender, or presented as such. It should feel very natural, as if the both of you hit 2 or 3 busy weeks in a row. Also, there are no real rules to this, if he wants to see you, and you want to see him, don't deny yourselves just to give him some free time. Let things flow as naturally as possible. All you want to be doing is giving your relationship a gentle, almost unnoticed, nudge in the right direction. You're by no means directing traffic. After all, life is too unpredictable for you to expect to be able to control it. You can only help influence it, and the best way to do that when people are involved is subtlety.
8. Don't assume anything. This may turn out good, it could turn out bad. You can't control how your boyfriend feels, but you can give him some space, and let him know that you love him, and still need him. Everyone wants to feel needed (not excessively) and loved. If you can truly provide him with that, show it. If you can't... well, I don't think it's too difficult to understand that that would mean you don't belong with him.
So, like I said, be subtle, be slow, don't just drop yourself out of his life, and try to let things happen as naturally as possible. Be sexy (not slutty), be loving, be there for him (not like a slave), to remind him that you care about him, and really are interested in him. Let him know that you need him (not in a clingy way), and let time be your helper. Odds are, in the short period of time he will see the good in this and be reminded of why you are together in the first place. Nothing is going to help more than that. And, if worst comes to worse, you certainly aren't going to hurt the relationship any. I mean, dates, passion, romance, and some time alone... right?
Oh, one final thing. No ex's allowed from now on. That is a time honored tradition, and one that will take away a huge burden. Very few relationships can withstand an ex in the picture. I'm sorry to say it because often times, if someone is your ex, it meant that while they weren't the one for you, you probably had enough in common to be pretty good friends. But to stay friends at the risk of a good relationship... well, comfort yourself by reminding yourself that most people don't stay in touch with any of their friends from their pre 30's. It just happens. It's the odds. The world revolves around odds (remember, odds aren't just numbers, they are 100% accurate depictions of real world events.), you can beat the odds, but why try? Why bet on rolling a 2 on a six sided die a million times in a row, when the counter bet is rolling a 2 at least once, and then at least one other number in the other 999,999 rolls? I know that's a crappy comparison, but if you ignore that and let it really sink in... odds are your best friend when it comes to helping predict your life. Play the odds, don't try to beat them.
I hope that helps.
I would like to first of all mention that I didn't bother reading any replies, with the exception of the first. It disheartens me to hear two people in a row state that that sort of work schedule alone can be the cause of any amount of stress. If anything, working is good for the body, the mind, and the soul. It keeps one moving, active, cognitive, and while we all need our breaks here and there, 40 hours a week (which is the ultimate of typical) is no excessive burden. I myself work 12 hours Mon-Fri, and then 8 on Sat, taking Sun off for my own sanity. Even working that schedule, I don't feel excessively drained, and I, just like everybody else, have a very stressful job.
So, not to put down your boyfriend, or you, but I first think that you should throw away the idea that work is causing any undue stress. As a matter of fact, stress, in small to mild doses, is very good for a person. Now, if your boyfriend is a brain surgeon, and he spends those 8 hours a day operating on a person's fragile brain, all the while holding their very life in his hands, almost completely dependent on a fully functional staff of nurses and aids working together like a finely tuned machine to bring the person on the table through... then I can see why he needs a week off of work. However, coming from a strictly psychological standpoint, the work he is most likely doing is, at it's very worst, allowing his mind to stray from the burdens of home life. It may sound silly, but by separating your life into two different burdens (not that either is all, or hopefully even mostly, bad), you actually develop a far stronger stress coping ability. After all, half of the day you get to play with one set of stress, then forget all about, go home, and mess around with the other.
I would have to agree that there is a high probability that the naming of an ex boyfriend could have possibly brought along unneeded complications in the relationship. It is not uncommon to find jealousy as the key component to a failed relationship. It all stems from a natural root of possessiveness that we all have, but that's a little to far into psychology to prove useful to your issue at hand. Ultimately, the naming of the ex (much the running of the bulls) can be a very stressful ordeal and I recommend straying from it as much as physically possible.
However, I don't believe that this is the majority of the problem. it would seem as though somewhere in your boyfriends head, images of things not working out are dancing and prancing about. And, whether he knows it or not, odds are it all began with the thought of commitment. I'm not even taking about just marriage, even the smallest forms of commitment, like a date, can cause unreasonable unease in a person, especially one of the male persuasion. Much of those feelings stem from the urge to be with more than one person. It's not so much that I believe that people are naturally inclined to need more than one mate in life, or to "spread their seed" as it is often referred to as, but that I believe that people enjoy the excitement, fear, anxiety, giddiness, that comes from having a new and fresh relationship, that they become nervous and disoriented when they first realize (subconsciously even) that they won't ever have that again.
When you first reach a state of comfort with each other in a relationship, it is a glorious time, usually filled with sex, upon sex, upon cuddly lovey dovey mushiness. But, soon after looms the cold, anxiety ridden, confusing rodeo of the commitments (much like the mondays). Unfortunately, if this is the case, and it almost always is, the best prescription is a few weeks of an unbridled, passionate, yet meaningless, relationship with another girl. After which the graces of a comfortable relationship suddenly become oh-so clear.
Since that option probably isn't going to go over well with you, I would do the following:
1. Give him some space, but don't disappear into the background. Let him know you still care with little notes on cards, perhaps with a bit of naughtiness to give him a "male reminder" of what he is getting out of this deal that seems so raw to him.
2. Make dates instead of assuming you will see each other. It has been said by more than one person that the best parts in life are the parts that involve anticipation. Why else do holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving go over so well? The gifts and food? No, the anticipation of gifts and food that undoubtedly come to fruition (nothing is worse than crushed anticipation... in other words, if you make a date, don't break it). A good idea of a date at this point would be a romantic late night picnic in a secluded area under the stars. Yes, your man will love it. We have a sensitive side too.
3. Give yourself some space. Make use of the time that you are giving him, and make it your own. It could help ease the burden when it falls upon yourself. These sort of feeling aren't restricted to men, but do usually hit them first (and often harder).
4. Don't let his time take too much time. If you're going to give him some free time, and his own space, don't make it so long that you drift apart. Time apart is the number one cause of a broken relationship, even amongst friends. You would be amazed by how your best friend can quickly become a very unappealing individual when you haven't seen them in awhile.
5. Don't overdue it. Two, maybe three weeks, a couple notes, a few dates, and maybe a sleepover should more than fix the situation. If at this point things are looking worse instead of better, it may be time to consider the idea that you two weren't meant for each other. A month apart can be the hellish nightmare that lets the mind wander too far, but three weeks can be the R&R that put your mind, and body, at ease. Time is a fickle thing, and combined with the unpredictable nature of the human mind, a little time can be a lifesaver, while a little more time can be a nuclear holocaust.
6. Have sex (if you're comfortable with it, no need to bring it up just because of what's going on) when you cut off the time alone. Nothing is a better reminder of why we want something more than a good, quick blast of endorphines. On the same token, be careful of how you "cut off the alone time", you don't want him to fully realize what's going on. As a matter of fact, it's better that you don't mention it at all, and just make it seem more natural. He has a lot of thinking to do after all, and having him know that you're worried about the relationship is just going to cause unnecessary pressure.
The next, and last, two steps are more than likely the most important of them all.
7. All of the previous stages should be implied. In other words, this isn't something that should be written down on your calender, or presented as such. It should feel very natural, as if the both of you hit 2 or 3 busy weeks in a row. Also, there are no real rules to this, if he wants to see you, and you want to see him, don't deny yourselves just to give him some free time. Let things flow as naturally as possible. All you want to be doing is giving your relationship a gentle, almost unnoticed, nudge in the right direction. You're by no means directing traffic. After all, life is too unpredictable for you to expect to be able to control it. You can only help influence it, and the best way to do that when people are involved is subtlety.
8. Don't assume anything. This may turn out good, it could turn out bad. You can't control how your boyfriend feels, but you can give him some space, and let him know that you love him, and still need him. Everyone wants to feel needed (not excessively) and loved. If you can truly provide him with that, show it. If you can't... well, I don't think it's too difficult to understand that that would mean you don't belong with him.
So, like I said, be subtle, be slow, don't just drop yourself out of his life, and try to let things happen as naturally as possible. Be sexy (not slutty), be loving, be there for him (not like a slave), to remind him that you care about him, and really are interested in him. Let him know that you need him (not in a clingy way), and let time be your helper. Odds are, in the short period of time he will see the good in this and be reminded of why you are together in the first place. Nothing is going to help more than that. And, if worst comes to worse, you certainly aren't going to hurt the relationship any. I mean, dates, passion, romance, and some time alone... right?
Oh, one final thing. No ex's allowed from now on. That is a time honored tradition, and one that will take away a huge burden. Very few relationships can withstand an ex in the picture. I'm sorry to say it because often times, if someone is your ex, it meant that while they weren't the one for you, you probably had enough in common to be pretty good friends. But to stay friends at the risk of a good relationship... well, comfort yourself by reminding yourself that most people don't stay in touch with any of their friends from their pre 30's. It just happens. It's the odds. The world revolves around odds (remember, odds aren't just numbers, they are 100% accurate depictions of real world events.), you can beat the odds, but why try? Why bet on rolling a 2 on a six sided die a million times in a row, when the counter bet is rolling a 2 at least once, and then at least one other number in the other 999,999 rolls? I know that's a crappy comparison, but if you ignore that and let it really sink in... odds are your best friend when it comes to helping predict your life. Play the odds, don't try to beat them.
I hope that helps.
