Fan Fiction The Sephiroth Show

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krazy_fool_X

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New to your Thursday's, the newest talk show on the box with the biggest, baddest guy in the world. It's The Sephiroth Show!

Sephiroth interviews the best of the FF World, but can they survive.

A whole 10 episodes with the newest host in all of gaia. It's The Sephiroth Show, only on Final Fantasy Forums.

--------------------------------------------

Yep, Sephiroth's getting his own TV show! Just a note, some episodes contain swearing and it definitely isnt for younger dudes and dudettes.

Email me at thesephirothshow@hotmail.co.uk with your questions for Sephiroth or a character of your choice, just remember to put their name. Seriously now, please do!!

UPDATE : Episode 1 now here!!! (24/05/2007)
UPDATE : Episode 2 now here!!! (31/05/2007)
UPDATE : Episode 3 now here!!! (11/06/2007)
 
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PILOT : CLOUD

SEPHIROTH : Welcome to ‘The Sephiroth Show’, the new talk show with
me, Sephiroth, as your host. On today’s show, we talk to
Cloud Strife on his new life…

Crowd Applause’s

SEPHIROTH : But first, lets look into our mail bag! The first letter is from
Mary and she says “Hello Sephiroth, how are you? So glad
you’re back and who does your hair?”, well Mary, I think you
should ask Cloud that question.

Crowd Laughs

SEPHIROTH : Next question from John, he says “I hate you Sephiroth, you
killed Aeris OMFG!!”, well John, I was going through a tough
time, it was during my messy divorce and my dad went crazy
and who knows about my mother!

Next question from Max, “Why is the story of Final Fantasy
VII so Confusing?”, well Max, I have no idea what you’re
talking about, is it a movie or a book or a game? Unlikely.

Anyway, back to our show, our first guest has become big
after thwarting Shinra and me, and now he has decided to
do something different. Lets welcome, Cloud!!

Crowd Applause’s

SEPHIROTH : Welcome Cloud! How are you?

CLOUD : I’m fine.

SEPHIROTH : So, tell me, how, or what, is your new life?

CLOUD : Well at first, I wanted to do something with Shinra like buy them
out and become one of them, but then, my wife, Tifa, said I
should do something easier, so now I race chocobo’s, literally.

SEPHIROTH : Literally?

CLOUD : Yeah, it’s not going well.

SEPHIROTH : You mentioned you now have a wife, Tifa “DD” Lockhart,
how do you feel about Aeris’ resurrection, which, people at
home, is completely possible.

CLOUD : Well, I have kicked myself over it and every time I try to talk to
Aeris, she shuts me out. And now she has a pop career and its
just… Blah!!

SEPHIROTH : Are you planning on doing anything else?

CLOUD : How about a party guest?

SEPHIROTH : Cloud, last time I saw you, you bit peoples heads off for
asking your name, why would you do birthday parties?

CLOUD : Well, money’s tight.

SEPHIROTH : Weren’t you given a million gil for saving the world.

CLOUD : No *shifty eyes*

SEPHIROTH : Is there anything you would really like to do?

CLOUD : Kick your ass again!

SEPHIROTH : What you say?

CLOUD : Yeah, I could kick your ass again and again!

SEPHIROTH : We talked about this before the show, you said you wouldn’t
mention this.

CLOUD : I need more MONEY!!!

SEPHIROTH : You must have half a million gil left over!

CLOUD : Tifa has expensive taste!

SEPHIROTH : Well then we need to move on, next time…

CLOUD : Come on, bring it on!!

SEPHIROTH : Look Cloud, Aeris.

Sephiroth stabs Cloud as he looks away

SEPHIROTH : That’s all folks. Join me next time when we talk to Aeris
herself. Goodnight!
 
EP 1-2 : AERIS

SEPHIROTH : Welcome to The Sephiroth Show!!

Crowd Applause’s
SEPHIROTH : On today’s show we talk to Aeris herself about her new pop career!

Crowd Applause’s
SEPHIROTH : But first it’s the Mail Bag. First letter is from Giles and he says "Sephiroth, how do you carry such a big sword?" Well, Giles,
shouldn’t you be asking Cloud that question.

Crowd stay silent. Someone coughs.
SEPHIROTH : C’mon! It was funny last time! Anyway, next question. Mary says, wait, Mary already sent me a letter. Look, all of these letters are from Mary. Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a stalker.

Crowd laughs

Miles away, a woman sits in the dark watching the show.
WOMAN : Yes, laugh it up Sephiroth, I’ll get you one day. Mwa ha ha.
Back in the studio
SEPHIROTH : Anyway, Mary says, "Hey Sephy, what’s your favourite colour?" Well, Mary, its Indigo, weird question. Anyway, on with the show!
Our guest today was tragically resurrected, I mean killed, but she has
been resurrected. It’s Aeris!

Crowd Applause’s
SEPHIROTH : Welcome Aeris! A kiss maybe?

AERIS : If you put the sword away.

SEPHIROTH : Woops, how did that get there, ha ha.
*under his breath* damn.
Anyway, how are you Aeris?

AERIS : Well my back hurts a bit. It might be your knife, Sephy.

Crowd laughs
SEPHIROTH : Ha ha. It’s a sword Aeris! Ha ha.
*under his breath* Bitch.
Anyway, how’s the pop career

AERIS : Not well. Only a few million copies of my debut single sold!

Crowd Applause’s
SEPHIROTH : Wow! That many! Even after all those rumours?

AERIS : What rumours?

SEPHIROTH : Oh, there were plenty. Like "Aeris used to be a woman of the night" or "Aeris slept with Don Corneo" and even "Aeris sold parts of Red’s body on Ebay". All those rumours.

AERIS : I never!

SEPHIROTH : Well, with all that evidence the police have…

AERIS : What!

SEPHIROTH : It all makes sense. Your song now makes sense.

AERIS : What!

SEPHIROTH : You say "killing people cos I can", you’re saying you
want to kill people just so you can be happy!

AERIS : I. What. Never. Meh? I never said any of that!

SEPHIROTH : Read between the lines. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the real Aeris.

Crowd boos.
AERIS : Okay! I admit it! I wanna kill all of you! Even you!

Points to Sephiroth.
SEPHIROTH : Really! I was just lowering your self esteem!

AERIS : Ah crap!

SEPHIROTH : Thank You, Aeris. Security!

Aeris is dragged away. Sephiroth gets up.
SEPHIRTOH : Thanks for the interview, Aeris. Goodbye everyone!

He hugs her, leaving her bloody.
SEPHIROTH : Oops, sorry Aeris. Ha ha

Crowd laughs and applause’s
 
Sorry its late for those fans (if there are any)

--------------------------------

EP 1-3 : Zidane

SEPHIROTH : Hello, guys and gals and welcome to The Sephiroth Show!

Crowd applause’s
SEPHIROTH : For everyone who watched last weeks episode, I can tell you, Aeris is in intensive care and her single, Lifestream Song, has been taken off the shelves and has fallen to 203<SUP>rd</SUP> place, with AVALANCHE at
number 1.

Crowd applause’s
SEPHIROTH : Anyway, back to today’s show. Our guest today is Zidane Tribal, our very own genome. He will be talking about his Tantalus Tour.

Crowd Applause’s
SEPHIROTH : But first, its our…

AUDIENCE : LETTER BAG!

SEPHIROTH : Yes our letter bag! Now, Mary, we have eliminated all of your letters, so no more scary Mary letters.

Crowd laughs
SEPHIROTH : First letter is from Anne and she asks “My sons first birthday was ruined by a fire. Can you help?” Well, because you live in Nibelheim,
I cant!

Crowd = Confused
SEPHIROTH : An insider joke there.

Director shakes his head
SEPHIROTH : Okay, only me then. Anyway, our second letter comes with a picture Of this young boy dressed like me.

Crowd goes “awwwww”
SEPHIROTH : Cute. He says “Here’s me with my very own black materia, it came with your Sephiroth doll. The meteor killed my sister. Oh well.”

Awkward silence
SEPHIROTH : So that’s why there was a protest outside my house!

Crowd laughs
SEPHIROTH : Well, we have a show to get on with! Lets welcome our TANTAlising Guest, Zidane!

Crowd applause’s. Zidane falls from roof.
Crowd laps it up.
SEPHIROTH : Welcome Zidane! And that’s called upstaging me. Its also called bad!

Crowd laughs. Zidane starts to sweat.
SEPHIROTH : I will get you back for that!

Crowd laughs. Zidane starts to sweat even more.
SEPHIROTH : So, you and Tantalus have been everywhere performing the sequel to “I want to be your Canary” called “I want to be your Possum”. How is the show going?

ZIDANE : Well, sales are…

SEPHIROTH : Good. And how are you and Queen Garnet doing?

ZIDANE : Well, we’re married now. And she’s…

SEPHIROTH : Its not that long a show, Zidane. Now, people were disappointed at the ending of your little adventure. What happened?

ZIDANE : Rushed script.

SEPHIROTH : A bit more detail.

ZIDANE : Well, it started when…

SEPHIROTH : A bit shorter next time.

Crowd laughs. Zidane becomes teary eyed.
SEPHIROTH : How did you respond to the comments about your sexuality?

ZIDANE : What?

SEPHIROTH : People say your such a flirt because your trying to cover your closet gayness.

ZIDANE : That’s not true!

SEPHIROTH : What’s your favourite musical?

ZIDANE : Annie, but I…

SEPHIROTH : There you go then!

ZIDANE : Stop it!

Zidane cries.
ZIDANE : I expected a bit more of a reaction!

AUDIENCE : Sorry!

Audience laughs.
SEPHIROTH : I’m sorry Zidane. Did I say something?

ZIDANE : It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it…

SEPHIROTH : Conclusive people! Don’t worry Zidane, the director’s son can ease you into your new life. Anyway, you’ve been a wonderful audience!

Audience cheers
SEPHIROTH : Thanks to our guest, Zidane.

Crowd laughs. Zidane cries even more.
SEPHIROTH : Join us next time when we’ll be talking to Kuja about his life as a peace protester. It should be fun. Goodbye folks!

ZIDANE : Baku’ll shoot me for this.

Zidane gets shot.
WOMAN : Damn, missed Sephiroth. Mark my words, you will die. Mwa ha ha!
 
EP 1-4 : KUJA

SEPHIROTH : Welcome, everyone, to The Sephiroth Show!

Crowd applause’s
SEPHIROTH : Stop it, please. Nah, don’t. Welcome, people at home, to our fourth episode with only three deaths so far. Whoops.

Audience laughs

SEPHIROTH : Before we welcome Kuja…

Crowd applause’s
SEPHIROTH : Not now. We have to do…

AUDIENCE : THE LETTER BAG!

SEPHIROTH : Yes, the ever popular letter bag. Wow, a big parcel here. Oh, it’s a horses head.

Miles away…
WOMAN : Mwa ha ha. Finally, he got the horse’s head. Now for the rest of the horse…

Back in the studio…
SEPHIROTH : …and that’s how you cure cancer, okay Margaret?
Now to our guest, it’s the one, the only…

KUJA : Come on, I have a schedule to stick to!

Crowd applause’s
KUJA : No time for applause.

SEPHIROTH : Now, Kuja…

KUJA : The answer to your questions are, red, I don’t like coconuts and, yes, I do like your new hairstyle.

SEPHIROTH : That last ones just for the two of us. Anyway, you’ve just used up our fuel. Now what can we do.

DIRECTOR : I don’t know. Improvise.

SEPHIROTH : So, Kuja… Hey, where’d he go. Sorry folks, no one walks out on me!

Sephiroth follows Kuja.
SEPHIROTH : Hey, Kuja, you can’t leave during an interview.

KUJA : Shouldn’t you tell your charisma that. High five.

DUDE : Alright dude. High five!

They high five.
SEPHIROTH : I’m gonna interview you, and you’re going to like it.

KUJA : Is that what you said to your girlfriend. High five.

DUDE : Alright dude. High five!

They high five. Again.
SEPHIROTH : Feel my sword, Kuja.

KUJA : Don’t make me do the girlfriend joke again but with sexual emphasis.

SEPHIROTH : That’s it.

KUJA : Is that what she asked after…

Sephiroth jumps at Kuja.
KUJA : If that’s what your time together was like, no wonder she left you!

SEPHIROTH : Shut up! What do you think of Zidane!

KUJA : Just as annoying as you!

SEPHIROTH : I hated your ending. Why did FFIX finish kinda sh*t?

KUJA : I dunno. Yours was kinda crap too!

SEPHIROTH : Oh no you didn’t!

KUJA : Oh yes I di-id!

SEPHIROTH : Did you know…

KUJA : What?

SEPHIROTH : That…

KUJA : What!?

SEPHIROTH : Your mama’s so fat she…

KUJA : It’s like the Christmas party all over again.

Sephiroth throws Kuja over the bridge and onto a busy road.
KUJA : Ha! You cant beat me, sucka! Ha ha.

A truck runs him over.
SEPHIROTH : Sucka!

Sephiroth runs back to the studio.
DIRECTOR : He’s not coming back. Let Zell do the show.

ZELL : Yes! My time to shine!

SEPHIROTH : No need, Rookie. Daddy’s back.

ZELL : Oh man!

Crowd cheer (at Sephiroth, not Zell.)
ZELL : Thanks for pouring salt on the wound guys!

DIRECTOR : Well, you can be a camera man.

ZELL : Well, at least its something.

SEPHIROTH : Yes, I’m back folks. Oh it’s the end of show…

ZELL : Oh man!

SEPHIROTH : See you all next time when Seifer and Squall try to settle their differences. See you then!

ZELL : Even Seifer gets to be on the show. Oh man! Could this get any worse!

WOMAN : Where’s Sephiroth?

ZELL : He left.

WOMAN : Rats! You know too much. You die!

ZELL : Oh ma…
 
Omg your a pro-comedian!!
I love this! Can you make a one w/ Zell trying to get in to the show and the...creepy girl...(She scares me omfg...) send in a bomb and Zell pushes Seph outta the way and Zell dies-he gets annoying with the continuous "I wanna be in this!" :P:dry:
 
Request noted LifeStealer. I've not made episode 9 yet so...

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EP 1-5 : SEIFER AND SQUALL

SEPHIROTH : Welcome to The Sephiroth Show! Hey! Where’s the crowd?

Outside…
DUDE : Hey, woman, let us in!

WOMAN : No. I feel like there might be a bomb inside!
*Under her breath* Goodbye Sephiroth…

She pushes a button.
WOMAN : Damn, it didn’t explode. DAMN YOU PABLO THE BOMB GUY!!!!

DUDE : Stampede!

Crowd barge through.
SEPHIROTH : Look! There’s my audience! Welcome to The Sephiroth Show!

Crowd applause’s.
SEPHIROTH : Yes, welcome boys and girls and those in between! Lets do our…

AUDIENCE : LETTER BAG!!

SEPHIROTH : Yes, lets! Wait the only thing here is a "Pablo Bomb". Thanks Pablo.

WOMAN : Damn you Pablo.

SEPHIROTH : Oh well. Today’s show is a special one. We’re going to help Squall and Seifer be friends. So, here they are!

Crowd applause’s
SEPHIROTH : Welcome Seifer, Squall.

SEIFER : …

SQUALL : …

SEPHIROTH : Teenagers! Who needs them!

Crowd laughs
SEPHIROTH : So, lets start at your childhood…

SQUALL : Seifer started it.

SEIFER : You started it!

SQUALL : You broke my barbie!

SEIFER : You were born!

SEPHIROTH : He’s got you there, Squall.

SQUALL : *GRUNT*

SEIFER : Anyway, you were just as much a bully as me!

SQUALL : No I wasn’t!

SEIFER : You always bullied Zell!

SQUALL : That was you, Jackass!

SEIFER : Well, you were such a mummy’s boy!

SQUALL : Well you were such a Jackass!

SEPHIROTH : That’s not fair! You used the same argument twice!

SQUALL : Go burn some village! Well, Seifer, I was so emotionally void because I had some idiot picking on me!

SEIFER : I never saw Irvine pick on you.

SQUALL : Not Irvine, you!

SEIFER : We’re not getting anywhere. I don’t need this right now.

SEPHIROTH : Lets bring on a third person. Welcome, Quistis!

Crowd cheers.
Quistis goes and attacks Seifer.
QUISTIS : You fu*king son of a b*tch! You fu*k!

SEPHIROTH : Security!

Security restrain Quistis.
SEPHIROTH : Quistis! How unlike you.

QUISTIS : Sorry Jerry. Why’d he bully my Squall. That son of a b*tch. I take your ass!

SEPHIROTH : Stop talking stereotypically black for a minute! Now Quistis, speak English.

QUISTIS : Seifer always picked on Squall as a kid. Good job I was there.

SEIFER : See! Such a mummy’s boy!

SQUALL : Well…

SEIFER : What Squall? Gonna cry.

SQUALL : I am rubber, you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

QUISTIS : Go Squall!

SEPHIROTH : He’s got you there, Seifer.

SEIFER : At least I never had a crush on Selphie.

Crowd goes "Ooooooh".
SQUALL : At least I didn’t, and still do, have a crush on Zell.

Crowd laughs.
SEIFER : You piece of moody sh…

Seifer and Squall start fighting.
SEPHIROTH : Stop it! Quistis, do something!

QUISTIS : I’m coming to help you Squall!

SEPHIROTH : Stop it… Stop the madness!

They continue fighting.
SEPHIROTH : Okay. Now I’m gonna kick some ass!

Sephiroth lifts up the boys by their ears. Quistis is biting Seifer’s leg.
SEPHIROTH : Go backstage why I finish off.

Squall, Seifer and Quistis go backstage.
Meanwhile…
WOMAN : Damn bomb! Work!

The bomb, which is conveniently back stage, blows up.
WOMAN : Yes!

SEPHIROTH : You’ve been a wonderful audience. Next time we have Wakka visit us. Good bye, folks!

WOMAN : DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!

Backstage…
SEPHIROTH : Good, you’ve sorted it out now… Wait, oh, they’re dead. Oh well, at least their quiet.
 
Pablo Nuuuuu! I wish he woulda sent the bomb wrong and then put it at the woman...i dont like her, but that would ruin an awsome plot,so i guess that cancels itself out! Love this, keep it up man! Don't let Zell or Sephi die!(Not © ok?)

Woman:That's what you think...
Me:Oh boy...save me by editing her out!!!
Woman:YOU WOULDN'T DARE!!! would you? :O

is that good? just wondering §§


Edit:Why does the woman hate Sephiroth?
 
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I think she's an extreme fan-girl (and a bit mental). I like your style LifeStealer, we must be on the same wavelength or something and its an idea i may consider.....

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EP 1-6 : WAKKA

SEPHIROTH : Hello folks and welcome to The Sephiroth Show!

Audience applause’s
SEPHIROTH : Nice to see I have an audience today!

Audience laughs.

Meanwhile…
MUSTACHED WOMAN : Excuse me, I’m the cover camera person.

DIRECTOR : Good. Our other one disappeared.

Note : He’s sedated and in a car trunk thanks to…
MUSTACHED WOMAN : Right. I’ll use my own camera, okay?

DIRECTOR : Yeah.

MUSTACHED WOMAN : Too easy. Little do they know, its actually me, Woman! Plus, they don’t know about my special poison dart camera attachment!

DIRECTOR : Hey look, it’s Gary. Hey Mr. Mustachio, hop it!

WOMAN IN DISGUISE : Damn you Pablo’s Sedatives!

SEPHIROTH : …So, Frank, that’s how you survive a hurricane. Well, that’s the letter bag done. Now, lets introduce our main man, Wakka!

Crowd applause’s.
WAKKA : (Thick Jamaican accent) Yo man!

SEPHIROTH : Hello, it’d be courteous of you to say it back!

WAKKA : (Thick Jamaican accent) I just did!

SEPHIROTH : Pardon?

WAKKA : (Thick Jamaican accent) I just did!

SEPHIROTH : This is hopeless. I’ll have to use my Jamaican translating system.

WAKKA : (Thick Jamaican accent) What da hell man!

TRANSLATOR : What the hell, man.

SEPHIROTH : Good, it works!

TRANSLATOR : (Thick Jamaican accent) Man, dis ting works!

WAKKA : (Thick Jamaican accent) I can speak English, I am doin’ now, ya know.

TRANSLATOR : I can speak English. I am doing now, you know.

SEPHIROTH : Good. Now then, Wakka, how is your Blitzball team doing.

WAKKA : (Thick Jamaican accent) Well…

TRANSLATOR : (Thick Jamaican accent) Wakka, man, how your Blitzball team doin’, ya know.

WAKKA : (Thick Jamaican accent) Its doin’ fine, ya know, we finally got away from relegation!

TRANSLATOR : Its going well, you know, we finally escaped relegation.

SEPHIROTH : Good, good. How’s your team this year?

TRANSLATOR : (Thick Jamaican accent) how your team dis year, eh man?

WAKKA : (Thick Jamaican accent) It good. We got Tidus and he a big help, ya know.

TRANSLATOR : It is good. We have Tidus and he is a large helping, you know.

SEPHIROTH : Wow and…

WAKKA : (Thick Jamaican accent) Ya know what, man, dis machine is offensive to me, ya know!

TRANSLATOR : You know what, sir, this machinary is defensive to me, you know.

SEPHIROTH : Well sorry, Wakka, I don’t like it so I’ll have to get rid of it.

WAKKA : (Thick Jamaican accent) Dats what I just said!

SEPHIROTH : Yeah, I like cheese spread too! Wow!

WAKKA : (Thick Jamaican accent) No, dis aint good.

SEPHIROTH : Good point. How much blood DO you see in Blitzball?

WAKKA : (Thick Jamaican accent) I’m goin.

SEPHIROTH : No, I have a gardener to do that. Hey, where are you going?

WAKKA : (Thick Jamaican accent) I just said, man, I is leavin’.

SEPHIROTH : Sorry, my ears are blocked. I didn’t hear that.

WAKKA : (Thick Jamaican accent) Admit it man, you cant understand a word o’ me!

SEPHIROTH : Blue?

WAKKA : (Thick Jamaican accent) Sephiroth, you is a complete ass and you ‘ave offended me and all o’ da Besaid Aurochs, ya know!

SEPHIROTH : Why thank you! Thank you Wakka, good luck in the new season!

Crowd applause’s
WAKKA : (Proper English accent) I’m rather annoyed at you, Sephiroth. All you have done is offended me and all I stand for. Good day!

SEPHIROTH : Sorry, what did you say?

WAKKA : (Thick Jamaican accent) Here a gift from Besaid, ya know.

Throws Blitzball into Sephiroth’s "man area".
SEPHIROTH : Thank you for joining us, Wakka.
*Under his breath* You’ll regret this…

One month later…
ANNOUNCER : And here come the Besaid Aurochs to face the Luca Goers! Oh wait, Wakka’s ball seems to have exploded on him, oh well, he’s dead. Oh god, he’s dead!

SEPHIROTH : (Thick Jamaican accent) Up yours, ya know.
 
woohoo! :lol: (thick Jamaican accent) you're doin' great ya? keep goin' at it eh?
 
EP 1-7 : YUFFIE

SEPHIROTH : Welcome ladies and germs to The Sephiroth Show!

Crowd Applause’s
GERM : Finally, we’ve been recognised!

SEPHIROTH : Today we have the sneaky Yuffie on the show. But first…

AUDIENCE : LETTER BAG! LETTER BAG! LETTER BAG!

SEPHIROTH : Yes, the Letter Bag. First letter is from some guy called Dude and he says "Hey dude, I am a loyal fan and I have been to every show. I’m not here today because a crazy woman kidnapped me. Please help. Please come to…" An obvious prank folks…

Meanwhile…
DUDE : You’ll never get away with this!

WOMAN : If you don’t shut up, neither will your pen…

DUDE : No! Not my man area!

WOMAN : No, you’re pen, your best pen!

DUDE : You sick person!

WOMAN : Mwa ha ha!

Back in the studio…
SEPHIROTH : See! Proof I am a contortionist. Ooh.
Now, welcome our guest, Yuffie!

YUFFIE : Hello, Sephiroth!

SEPHIROTH : Hey! Where’s my materia!

YUFFIE : Sorry, Sephy.

Crowd laughs…
SEPHIROTH : *To Yuffie* that wasn’t in the script!

YUFFIE : *To Sephiroth* There is no script!

SEPHIROTH : *To Yuffie* Exactly.

YUFFIE : That makes no sense.

SEPHIROTH : What doesn’t.
*Evil stare*

YUFFIE : Yikes.

SEPHIROTH : So, Yuffie, I heard you now work for Nu-Shinra News?

YUFFIE : Yeah, but I was fired for illegal use of materia in Galbadia. They prefer "Draw Points".

SEPHIROTH : What a load of freaks.

GUY : Hey, I’m from Galbadia!

SEPHIROTH : Shouldn’t Dude be saying that?

GUY : I’m filling in for him. He’s missing.

SEPHIROTH : Oh crap… Oh well. So Yuffie… Hey! Leave my materia alone!

YUFFIE : Sorry. Its like "stealing tourettes".

SEPHIROTH : That makes no sense.

YUFFIE : Neither does your face!

SEPHIROTH : Anyway, where else have you been on your travels.

YUFFIE : Well, while I was in Treno I signed a contract for two series on Treno ER. It’s pilot episode didn’t do well.

SEPHIROTH : But you joined in the sixth series?

YUFFIE : Okay, my pilot didn’t do well. Sheesh!

SEPHIROTH : What else?

YUFFIE : Well, I went to Luca in Spira and played Blitzball against Wakka. His ball kept ticking.

SEPHIROTH : *Shifty eyes*
Anyway, Yuffie… Stop it with my materia!

YUFFIE : Sorry, but its Flare!

SEPHIROTH : I don’t care! Anyway, did you go to FFXII land?

YUFFIE : Yeah, I went to Rabanastre. It was kinda crap.

SEPHIROTH : Yeah it is. What else have you been up to?

YUFFIE : I was on another television show!

SEPHIROTH : What?

YUFFIE : Gaia’s Most Wanted.

SEPHIROTH : *Bangs head against wall* I wonder why… hey my materia.

YUFFIE : Sorry.

SEPHIROTH : That’s it! I’m gonna Flare your ass!

YUFFIE : No! Not my donkey.

SEPHIROTH : Oh, you bimbo.

YUFFIE : Hey, I’m no bimbo.
Wait! At least let me hide.

Yuffie hides behind an oil can.
SEPHIROTH : *Under breath* stupid bitch.

Erm, big boom?
SEPHIROTH : You’ve been a great audience. Good night!

Audience applause’s
YUFFIE : Ouch, it couldn’t get worse.

DUDE : I’m free!

YUFFIE : Oh, that’s not bad!

GUY : Look! Another meteor!

YUFFIE : So what!

TV ANNOUNCER : All materia has been made illegal.

YUFFIE : What? Noooooooooooooooooooo!

TV ANNOUNCER : Everyone now has to use draw points.

YUFFIE : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
 
EP 1-8 : Red XIII

SEPHIROTH : Welcome people of FF Land, welcome to The Sephiroth Show!

DUDE : No Sh*t!

SEPHIROTH : Hey! You’re back!

DUDE : Yeah I escaped!

SEPHIROTH : How?

DUDE : Well…

Wavy lines…
In the past…
DUDE : Hey, let me go. I really need the toilet!

WOMAN : I’m not falling for that again.

DUDE : No, really!

WOMAN : Prove it.

DUDE : How can I prove I need the toilet.

WOMAN : Do it there.

DUDE : Good job its not a number 2.
Ahh, better.

WOMAN : Oh god! You really needed the toilet!

DUDE : Can I go then?

WOMAN : Damn, you better.

She unties Dude.
DUDE : Ha! Sucka!

WOMAN : Ah crap!

Wavy lines…
Back in the studio…
SEPHIROTH : Clever.

DUDE : I know!

SEPHIROTH : Oh well, to the Letter Bag… Hey, no cheering?

GUY : Nah. Too much effort.

SEPHIROTH : Okay. First letter, "Dear Sephiroth. Your subscription to Ghetto Girls Monthly has expired… Oops, this isn’t mine…
*Shifty eyes*

Awkward silence.
GUY : Dude…

DUDE : Hey that’s my line!

GUY #2 : Fight!

A fight ensues…
Dude attacks Guy for 140 HP...
SEPHIROTH : Calm down, boys. Here, take some copies of Ghetto Girls Monthly.

DUDE : Hey, that’s my mum!

SEPHIROTH : Next letter is from Timmy, "Dear Sephiwoth, I cant speak pwoperwy, can you help me. From Timmy." Aw, cute, he even writes like that.*under his breath* stupid kid. I hate kids.

DUDE : That’s not nice.

SEPHIROTH : How can you here me?

DUDE : No, this woman, not nice.

SEPHIROTH : Well, we’re running out of time. Lets speed this up…

Fast Forward…
RED : And that’s when I was neutered. Not nice.

SEPHIROTH : I didn’t literally mean speed up!

Rewind…
SEPHIROTH : Better. Lets welcome Red!

RED : I prefer to be called Nanaki.

SEPHIROTH : Tough sh*t. So Red, you’re a dog right?

RED : I guess.

SEPHIROTH : So you don’t like vacuums like this one.

Pulls out a hand held vacuum.
RED : Oh god no. *Woof* *Woof* *Woof*. Get it away from me! *Woof*

SEPHIROTH : You’re such a baby. Anyway… Here it is again!

RED : Stop it *Woof* *Woof* *Woof* Get lost!

SEPHIROTH : So much fun. Watch out Red!

RED : Stop it! *Woof* *Woof* I’ll give you rabies!

SEPHIROTH : You don’t have rabies!

RED : I might…

SEPHIROTH : I held your paw while you had the vaccine.

RED : It was fake.

SEPHIROTH : Yeah, so’s my sword. Ha ha!

Crowd laughs.
SEPHIROTH : Ah, I love sexual interpretations.
Any who, what’ve you been up to?

RED : Well, I explored the world and took control of Grandpa’s observatory.

SEPHIROTH : Is that it? Kind of boring.

RED : What did you expect me to do?

SEPHIROTH : You could get your own game or movie?

RED : I would never stoop so low.

SEPHIROTH : And that’s why you signed a contract for Final Fantasy VII : Nanaki’s Fire, the new hit TV show?

RED : That wasn’t me.

SEPHIROTH : Whatever Red. Well you were refreshingly boring.

RED : Thanks a lot.

SEPHIROTH : I struggled to fit a decent joke in.

RED : I can be funny! Erm…

SEPHIROTH : Bye Red. Goodnight folks.

RED : Hey watch! I can do stand up! Erm, a man wanted to sue an airline for damaging his luggage, his solicitor said his case wasn’t strong enough!

AUDIENCE : Boo!

SEPHIROTH : It was very poor, Red.

RED : Let me do more!

SEPHIROTH : No.

RED : Fine.

Red pounces onto Sephiroth.
SEPHIROTH : Get away! I have a vacuum!

RED : So it’s a stand off is it…

To Be Continued…

VOICE OVER : Next on Shinra TV, a documentary following…

SEPHIROTH : Hell no, this ends now. Eat vacuum doggy!

RED : Oh no! Its sucking me in!

SEPHIROTH : Oh I guess that’s why dogs hate vacuums, they suck them in. Oh well. Next time we talk to... hey, who are we gonna talk to?

DIRECTOR : Well... Zell...

ZELL : I'm gonna be on the show!

SEPHIROTH : Where the hell...

ZELL : I'll do it!

SEPHIROTH : Ah crap!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, miles away...
WOMAN : And then i'll...

SEPHIROTH : Ah crap!!!!!!!!!!!

WOMAN : Yes, then i'll release the crap!! MWA HA HA etc.
 
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