Fan Fiction The Sephiroth Show: Around The World In 80 Interviews

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krazy_fool_X

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-PROLOGUE-

SEPHIROTH : Thats bull! That is a load of crap!

DIRECTOR : Sorry, but its that or nothing...

SPEHIROTH : Thats what I said to your mother.

DIRECTOR : Listen, Sephy, no one else will take you. Midgar TV doesnt
want you...

SEPHIROTH : Why?

DIRECTOR : The whole trying to destroy their world, killing their President,
the whole meteor thing...

SEPHIROTH : What about Galbadia Broadcasting Network?

DIRECTOR : Yeah... They dont want you either. You're apparently a
threat...

SEPHIROTH : They let Ultemecia have her own talk show!

DIRECTOR : Yeah well... The threat of time compression kinda...

SEPHIROTH : So because of them, I'm stuck on FFF TV! AGAIN!

DIRECTOR : You did alright... You ranked their 5th biggest show...

SEPHIROTH : But next to all other TV shows my ratings came, like, 212th.
I was beat by Morrid's Coffee, and that show was crap!

DIRECTOR : You got rave reviews....

SEPHIROTH : Lets have a look, shall we, "Sephiroth's talk show is worth a
mention..."

DIRECTOR : Thats good!

SEPHIROTH : It carries on, "But why watch that when you can watch
'Condensation : The True Story'?"

DIRECTOR : Well...

SEPHIROTH : Thats it! I quit. Stuff you! I'm going on vacation...

DIRECTOR : Thats it!

SEPHIROTH : Whats it?

DIRECTOR : Sephiroth, I have an idea...

- Find out what happens next, next week. And join us for Sephiroth's new
show on February 29th, be there or be dead, like Aeris... Seriously...-
 
-Remember guys, the new series of The Sephiroth Show starts this Friday!
Its good, believe me as an unbiased view...-

SEPHIROTH : Leave me alone, Stan, I'm going on vacation. Maybe Costa Del Sol, with all the babes... Yeah... Hot babes...

DIRECTOR : Sephiroth...

SEPHIROTH : I'm busy! Oh yeah, baby...

DIRECTOR : You're going on vacation, right?

SEPHIROTH : Yeah, with all the ba...

DIRECTOR : Seph, listen, for your new series, how about we film you on vacation?

SEPHIROTH : Quite frankly, its a load of bull excrement...

DIRECTOR : Listen, you travel everywhere, and i mean everywhere... From Treno to Timber, from Balamb to Besaid!!!

SEPHIROTH : So basically, you film me on vacation?

DIRECTOR : Yeah! You can see the sights and interview significant people...

SEPHIROTH : I dont know...

DIRECTOR : Its a free vacation...

SEPHIROTH : We're going on vacation, boys and girls!

Sunny montage...


DIRECTOR : Wait. First we need a crew...

OK... Crew finding montage. Sheesh, picky...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EXEC. : So, Zell, I think we have a deal...

ZELL : Sweet!

EXEC. : Just sign here and you'll have your own TV show!

ZELL : Booya! No ones gonna ruin this moment...

SEPHIROTH : Oy, chicken-wuss, come on, new series. Are you signing a contract!? Ha! How obsurd. Lets just rip this up *rip* and lets go...

ZELL : No! My dreams.

EXEC. : Are you hosting this show or not, Zell?

SEPHIROTH : Of course he's not! I think Seifer's free, give him a multi-million gil deal for a TV show...

ZELL : Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

SEPHIROTH : Come on Robin, lets go...

ZELL : And I guess you're my Batman?

SEPHIROTH : Zell, ew! I'm not liking this homosexual vibe you're giving me. I'm sorry, but i'm not "like you"...

ZELL : I'm not...

SEPHIROTH : Don't repress it, let it free. You'll feel better. You may not be socially accepted but, you know...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : Are we ready?

DIRECTOR : Crew's here...

ZELL : Zell's here...

SEPHIROTH : And sexy me is here. Lets go...

DIRECTOR : Wait, we need to face the final boss... The Company Executive...

Thunder, lightening and suspense ensues...



- This prologue concludes later this week with the new series of The Sephiroth Show starting on Friday, believe me, you don't want to miss it. Think, what would Jesus do?-
 
Last edited:
- Tomorrow's the day! The day when the new series of the Sephiroth starts! I'm not very good at advertising am I? oh well, enjoy the last part of the prologue...-

DIRECTOR : Let me handle this...

SEPHIROTH : I can help! They can't resist my boyish and sexy charm...

DIRECTOR : Boyish and sexy don't go together... Unless you're...

SEPHIROTH : Unless you're...?

DIRECTOR : I don't fancy being sued...

SECRETARY : Mr. Kinneas will see you now...

ZELL : Kinneas!? Irvine!? How did he get to be the Company's Executive!?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IRVINE : Fine. I'll sleep with you Mr. Murdoch...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : Zell! Out of your own little world! What were you even thinking about?

ZELL : What sex with Mr. Murdoch would be like... Wait, no!

SEPHIROTH : My god, Zell! That's just wrong!

DIRECTOR : Lets just go in...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IRVINE : Well, well, well. What do we have here?

DIRECTOR : Hello, Mr. Kinneas...

IRVINE : Call me Irvine. Only my lovers call me Mr. Kinneas...

ZELL : But your secretary called you Mr. Kinneas...

IRVINE : Yeah, and? Wait a minute! If it ain't Zell Dincht! Well howdy!

ZELL : Long time no see, Irvine.

IRVINE : Well, I have been busy doing something with my life! I bet you're wondering how I got this job...

ZELL : Yeah, actually...

IRVINE : Well, it all happened about a month ago...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IRVINE NARRATING : I used to sell the Big Issue to people...

IRVINE : Big Issue! Someone buy it! Please! I have to feed my dog... Then I have to feed my pet... Ha! I'm so funny...

EXEC. : I'll buy one, young lad.

IRVINE : Here you are...

EXEC. : Very good. Now I'll go use it to hit my moomba slaves... Ow... My chest really hurts, and my left arm has pain shooting up and down it...

IRVINE : Oh my god! You're having a heart attack!

EXEC. : No shit! Call me an ambulance!

IRVINE : You're an ambulance! Ha! I'm so funny...

EXEC. : You're a jackass! Call me an ambulance!

IRVINE : OK! What's the number?

EXEC. : CALL ME AN AMBULANCE!

IRVINE : I can't deal with this stress! I need to take a breather and calm down...

EXEC. : Oh god! I think i'm gonna die. Listen here boy, I haven't yet written a will and I haven't had the time to reproduce... You'll have to take over my business, lest some fatcat get hold of it...

IRVINE : Really!?

EXEC. : That's if I die...

IRVINE : Really...?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ZELL : Did you kill him!?

IRVINE : God no! I just helped it on a bit...

DIRECTOR : Interesting story, Irvine. Now we're here to...

IRVINE : Request you're new TV show, you want this company to pay for you, Sephiroth and all the crew to flounce off round the world?

DIRECTOR : Pretty much, yeah...

IRVINE : Fine! You can have it!

DIRECTOR : Really!?

IRVINE : Of course not! We ain't wasting money on that!

DIRECTOR : Please!? What can we do to change your mind?

IRVINE : Make it worth my while...

SEPHIROTH : I have an idea...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the roof...

SEPHIROTH : Give us permission...

IRVINE : You cant threaten to kill me!

SEPHIROTH : On the contrary, I can...

IRVINE : Fine, you can have the show! Just let me go! I need to change my pants...

ZELL : Eww!

IRVINE : I haven't wet them! They're just dirty... 'Cos i crapped in 'em *wail*

SEPHIROTH : We can have the show?

IRVINE : Yes, yes! Now please... Here's the permission form. Go and shoot your show.

DIRECTOR : Yes! We got it baby!

IRVINE : I'm going back to Mr. Murdoch for comfort... Comforting words, yeah, comforting words...

SEPHIROTH : Lets do this baby! Where to?

DIRECTOR : How about Treno...?

- Tomorrow, Friday 29th February, starts the new series in, well, Treno? Please come and look at it and feel free to leave comments on my work! -
 
Day 1 – Treno
SEPHIROTH : Hello, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is my new show “Around The World In 80 Interviews”! It’s going to be a wild 80 days around many locations… Zell! Off my manwich…! Around many locations. Today we’re in… Zell! Time for some whoop-ass!

DIRECTOR : Welcome to Treno, folks!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SEPHIROTH : Doctor Tot… He sounds like a right smart ass… So, where does he live?

DIRECTOR : Right here…

Points to obviously placed observatory.
SEPHIROTH : This is where I shine! Zell, I counted how many pickles are on my manwich… So, no touchy…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : Ooh! An auction house! Can we auction for something. Like a pair of balls for Zell?

ZELL : Oh ha ha. Make fun of the guy who hasn’t hit puberty! You don’t make fun of Adam and he’s only twelve!

ADAM (DEEP VOICE) : Hey, y’all. I heard my name over here…

ZELL : Damn…

SEPHIROTH : Embarrassing, isn't it? Well, don’t feel bad, even when we all laugh at you…

Obnoxious laughter from the crew
SEPHIROTH : Ha! Zell’s pathetic!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : So, Doctor Tot. Doc Tot. Dr T. What’s Treno really like?

TOT : On the surface, Treno seems like a rather lively city, bustling with fun, but under that is a life of murder, thievery and unprotected sex…

SEPHIROTH : Yes kids, be safe, wear a condom….

TOT : But under all the dangers and illegality is a rather nice place.

SEPHIROTH : Full of murderers and hookers and Z-List celebrities…

TOT : Now hold on, you’re creating a rather negative image for Treno!

SEPHIROTH : Honey, it created it itself!

TOT : I want to restart this interview! How do you work this camera?

SEPHIROTH : NO! Old people die when they come into contact with technology!

TOT : Trust me I’m a Doctor…

5 minutes later…
DIRECTOR : Well he’s dead…

SEPHIROTH : I tried to warn him… But old people are as stubborn as mules… They smell like them too, and look like them… Basically, old people are mules…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : I’m gonna bet on that Bust of Elton John…

ZELL : Why?

SEPHIROTH : What a stupid question, Zell. No food for you tonight!

DIRECTOR : Why DO you want it?

SEPHIROTH : What a perfectly normal question. I really like Elton John… I mean… Elton John’s WORK. Yes, his work… [shifty eyes]

AUCTIONEER : Next item is this bust of Sir Elton John. Shall we start the bidding at 100gil?

Sephiroth raises.
AUCTIONEER : Any advance on that?

Some Noble Dude raises.
SEPHIROTH : Its on boy…

Sephiroth raises…
DIRECTOR : Don’t go too far now…

SEPHIROTH : I wont……

Many raises later…
AUCTIONEER : Any advance on A Billion Gil?

SEPHIROTH : TWO BILLION!

AUCTIONEER : Any advance?

NOBLE DUDE : Four billion.

SEPHIROTH : A MAGILLION GIL!!!

AUCTIONEER : That’s not even a number!

SEPHIROTH : Well make it a number!

AUCTIONEER : Any advance?

NOBLE DUDE : I choose not to bid any further. I will go spend it on something worth while, like my wife… Ha! No way, she’s a drunk…

SEPHIROTH : I win!

DIRECTOR : Yeah… We don’t have that much money…

SEPHIROTH : Well…

Sephiroth hits Auctioneer with bust.
SEPHIROTH : Sweet dreams, now run, run!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : Here we are at this Arena place… Do I have to fight what’s inside?

DIRECTOR : Er, yeah…

SEPHIROTH : Game on…

Inside…
ARENA MASTER : You know the rules?

SEPHIROTH : Yes. Rule 1, there are no rules. Rule 2, obey all rules…

ARENA MASTER : Good. Off you pop.

Down Sephiroth goes…
SEPHIROTH : Whatever I have to fight, I’ll fight it…

ARENA MASTER : Your opponent is… The first three Episodes of Star Wars!

SEPHIROTH : Oh no! They’re so crap!

OBI-WAN : Qui-Gon, when does the action happen?

QUI-GON : It never happens. But there is political action...

OBI-WAN : That's the best kind!

SEPHIROTH : Ahh! Stop it! Ah-ha!

Sephiroth pushes the “Eject” button.

ARENA MASTER : And the winner is, Sephiroth!

SEPHIROTH : This is the best day of my life! Better than when I got TiVo…

ARENA MASTER : Your winnings, a bust of Sir Elton John…

SEPHIROTH : Oh, that’s so funny! I didn’t have to be a wanted felon after all!

Audience laugh
The Sephiroth Show was filmed in front of a live studio audience…
SEPHIROTH : Wait, wait, that’s a crap ending…

DIRECTOR : Like a crap sitcom…

SEPHIROTH : Who writes this script!

DIRECTOR : Some guy called Krazy_Fool_X…

SEPHIROTH : Well, Krazy_Fool_X, you know what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna hunt you down and kill you. Yeah! Kill you, slowly and painfully… Like the death of Britney’s career…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DIRECTOR : Well, we’re finished here. Lets move on… Hey where’s Zell?

SEPHIROTH : I dared him to do the Arena challenge…

Meanwhile…
ARENA MASTER : You’re challenge, you have to watch the whole first series of “Joey”…

ZELL : Oh, I like “Joey”…

ARENA MASTER : What!? You freak. WITCH! WITCH! BURN THE WITCH!

ZELL : Get off me! Stop covering me in holy water and petrol and burning torches! Leave me be!!!!!!!!
 
-I hope you liked the first episode (I see one person did!) This next bit is a Behind The Scenes (because everything cant be covered in the one episode). It contains interviews with the main characters and takes the mick out of everything the main show didnt. Enjoy!-

Behind The Scenes – Treno
NARRATOR : This is the Behind The Scenes of the new TV show "Around The World In 80 Interviews". What happens when the camera’s are turned off? What happens when Sephiroth becomes himself…?

SEPHIROTH : Guys, just a heads up… I farted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : Its pretty fun doing this show. We have loads of laughs. Especially with Zell. Oh my god, there was this one time when we bought him a new pet…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ZELL : Wow! A present!

SEPHIROTH : Open it! I promise its not a vicious creature that’ll eat you and tear you up and leave a mess on your carpet…

ZELL : Wait a minute… Are you being sarcastic?

SEPHIROTH : I’m not not being sarcastic…

ZELL : Good… Wait a minute…

SEPHIROTH : Open the damn present!

ZELL : OK… I wonder what it is… Oh wow, a… It’s a Behemoth!

SEPHIROTH : You enjoy that while I stay inside this big titanium bunker…

ZELL : Nice doggy… Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

SEPHIROTH : Classic Zell. What will he do next?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DIRECTOR : What’s Sephiroth really like? He’s actually a lot like what he is on TV.

NARRATOR : So an ignorant, rude, sadist?

DIRECTOR : Er, pretty much, yeah…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : Zell, I’ve got a present for you and I promise it’s not a
blowtorch that’ll burn you to a crisp like Nibelheim…

ZELL : OK, but you better be telling the truth… Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

SEPHIROTH : Oh my god! You’re so stupid! What else would it be! Oh my god…

ZELL : You bastard! I hate you!

SEPHIROTH : Oh, you had to go and ruin it…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ZELL : Of course I like him. It’s only a joke. And I got my own back on him before…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : So this is a real Zodiac coin?

ZELL : Of course it is!

SEPHIROTH : Oh cool! I’m going giving it in!

5 minutes later
SEPHIROTH : Thanks Zell. Great prank. Because it was a fake, I had to pay a fine and now we only have, like, a quarter of the budget!

CREW : Boo, Zell. We hate you Zell!

ZELL : It was just a joke…

SEPHIROTH : You’re so inconsiderate, Zell… Be ashamed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : You know what was fun? When we went to that Noble Club place. I think it was pretty obvious we weren’t Nobles…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : Yes. I regularly holiday to Alexandria and Lindblum…

NOBLE : Very good! Me and my wife bought a house in Lindblum…

SEPHIROTH : Oh wow… Yeah, I’m gonna leave now ‘cos you’re very boring. Really, it’s like having a conversation with a corpse, apart from the fact that a corpse is courteous… Yeah…

NOBLE : You’re not from this club! INTRUDER!

SEPHIROTH : Oh no! Here we go again…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DIRECTOR : My favourite moment? Well I’ll tell you my worst moment…

NARRATOR : But that wasn’t the question…

DIRECTOR : Well all the good stories have been taken. Like the Noble Club one above! Not much else good happened, not in Treno…

NARRATOR : Not even when you went to play cards?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : I think I have perfected the technique to play this game. Time to win…

5 minutes later
SEPHIROTH : OK, I lost all 100 of my cards in 5 minutes… This game’s impossible…

ZELL : Booya! Look! I won a ton of cards! This game’s so easy…

Sephiroth knocks Zell’s cards out of his hands
ZELL : Hey!

SEPHIROTH : Oh look, you lost all your cards…Now all you gotta lose is your virginity…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ZELL : My best moment? Other than my superb prank?

NARRATOR : Zell, it was shit…

ZELL : I know, it was great wasn’t it? What was fun was when Sephiroth got cheated…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : OK, we have 100 gil to spend on supplies…

SHADY MAN : I have supplies… You buy?

SEPHIROTH : He looks like a well adjusted hobo. Fine, here’s 100 gil. Now where are our supplies?

SHADY MAN : There in my ass! Tricked you, suckers!

SEPHIROTH : OK, I’m not going to be the one to get the supplies out of his anus…

DIRECTOR : Sephiroth, he’s gone…

SEPHIROTH : Damn! It’s all your fault, Zell!

CREW : God, Zell! You’re such a jackass!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : All in all? Well it was a fantastic trip, there’s only one thing I regret…

NARRATOR : What?

SEPHIROTH : You know that fountain near the entrance…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ZELL : Lets throw money in!

SEPHIROTH : Lets throw Zell in, more like. And while we’re at it, lets drown him in the fountain and make him eat the gil and then leave his body floating in the river where hungry boar can chew at him and weirdo’s can mutilate his body and…

DIRECTOR : Moment’s over. Zell’s gone…

SEPHIROTH : Damn! There’s gotta be someone I can drown…

TOM : Hey, I’m Tom Cruise…

SEPHIROTH : Hello, Tom. Have you seen the fountain…


-From now on, the main show goes up every Friday and the BTS go up every monday. Dont miss them! They're (hopefully) good! Dont feel scared to leave comments and criticisms...-
 

Day 2 – Winhill

SEPHIROTH : Hello, audience! Today we’re in the quaint little village of Winhill! We’ve got an action packed day ahead of… Ha! Oh, I couldn’t keep a straight face! This place is a snooze-fest. Folks, this episode’s gonna be boring. Like the rest of this world…

ZELL : Hey! I come from this world!

SEPHIROTH : Point proven…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DIRECTOR : Right, first we’ll take a walk around, then we’ll do an interview with a Laguna Loire and his adoptive daughter, Ellone Loire…

SEPHIROTH : Great, great, I have this growth on my ass, does it look benign to you?

DIRECTOR : Ahh! Sephiroth, get your ass outta my face…

ZELL : Whoa, ass alert!

SEPHIROTH : You better not be looking at me, otherwise that means you’re gay…

ZELL : I can help you out, I have some medical training…

SEPHIROTH : Whoa, this is the same thing that happened when I went to visit Michael Jackson, now get away from me!

DIRECTOR : OK guys, we’ve got a show to film! Lets get on with it!

SEPHIROTH : I’m watching you Zell…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : So, Laguna…

LAGUNA : Hello.

SEPHIROTH : Yeah, now… Wait a minute… I’ve met your son! Squall!

LAGUNA : Oh yeah, him. When did you meet him?

SEPHIROTH : He was on my show once… Him and Seifer…

LAGUNA : Seifer!? Are you crazy?

SEPHIROTH : It resolved itself… With a bomb…

LAGUNA : We weren’t really close, apart from when he relived my memories.

SEPHIROTH : Yeah… Now, you’re an interesting specimen…

LAGUNA : That’s a nice way of putting it.

SEPHIROTH : Yeah, erm, you used to be the a Galbadian Soldier…

LAGUNA : Yep, the good ol’ days with Kiros and Ward…

SEPHIROTH : Then you retired and became a protector of this town…

LAGUNA : Yep, the good ol’ days with Kiros and R-R-R-…

SEPHIROTH : Raine?

LAGUNA : Oh god, Raine! Why did she have to die! She was so young! Waaaaaaa! Waaaaaaaa!

SEPHIROTH : Then after Winhill you…

LAGUNA : Raine! Why!? Why!? Waaaaaaaaaaa!

SEPHIROTH : Then you were President of Esthar…

LAGUNA : She was too young! She just had Squall, then she died! Waaaaaaa! I want my mummy!

SEPHIROTH : Snap out of it man! Snap out of it!

LAGUNA : I miss her voice *sob* and her personality *sob* and her breasts. Waaaaaaa!

SEPHIROTH : Shut up man *slap* get over her, she’s dead *slap*

LAGUNA : I guess you’re right… Erm, yeah, I was President for a while…

SEPHIROTH : Then…

LAGUNA : Then Raine was dead! Waaaaaaaa!

SEPHIROTH : This is gonna be a long interview…

5 minutes later…
DIRECTOR : Interview over?

SEPHIROTH : Yep. And for the record, so’s his life.

DIRECTOR : What!?

SEPHIROTH : What? I didn’t say anything…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ZELL : This place is so boring!

CIVILIAN : Well, excuse me! I’m sorry we’re not exciting enough! Who are you anyway?

ZELL : I’m Zell. I’m with the film crew…

CIVILIAN : Wow! Are you on TV!? I’m Lucy! Nice to meet you Mr. TV Person!

ZELL : Wait, I’m not on…

ZELL’S THOUGHTS : Shut up, fool. Play you’re cards right and you might be able to hit that!

ZELL : Oh yeah… Erm, as a matter of fact I’m filming a TV show about the most exciting places in the world, and the people in them. Fancy being on TV?

LUCY : Really!? Oh god! Did you know you were hot?

ZELL’S THOUGHTS : Booya! Time for some action…

SEPHIROTH : Hey, Zell, what are you… Oh my god! Are you flirting! Oh! Ha, ha ha! This is the funniest thing ever!

LUCY : Is this one of the crew members, Mr. Zell?

SEPHIROTH : Mr. Zell? Did you tell her you were on TV? Oh, honey, this guy’s just a Runner! He fooled you! This guy doesn’t even have a car to put in your garage, if you catch my drift…

LUCY : Oh, really!? You lied to me!

ZELL : Yeah, sorry. Still fancy doing something?

LUCY : Yeah, but not with you! Come on Mr. TV man. Show me the glamorous life!

SEPHIROTH : OK! Sorry, Zell. Maybe you can go with the florist!

FLORIST : I’m 87 years young.

ZELL : Eww! Erm, do you do any freaky things?

FLORIST : In the old days…

ZELL : Good enough. I’ll show Sephiroth who’s the big man...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : So, Ellone…

ELLONE : Hello, can you hurry up! I need to contact Squall and make him see what happened to Laguna…

SEPHIROTH : I’m sure he’s just sleeping… With the fishes, ha!

ELLONE : What!?

SEPHIROTH : Did I say that out loud? Oops. OK, this is going to have to be quick. You have some freaky powers, am I correct?

ELLONE : Er, yeah, why does this have to be quick?

SEPHIROTH : Because now you know the truth, I have to kill you. Have you ever just messed around with your powers?

ELLONE : Kill me! What!?

SEPHIROTH : Answer the question…

ELLONE : No, I’m very sensible with my powers…

SEPHIROTH : Damn! I was gonna prank Zell. Ha, he’s such an idiot!

ELLONE : Yeah, see ya!

SEPHIROTH : Come back here! Predator, chase her down…

PREDATOR : Actually, I’ve decided I’d rather become a human-watcher…

SEPHIROTH : What!?

PREDATOR : Like a bird-watcher, but with humans…

SEPHIROTH : Fine, Alien, you get her…

ALIEN : Actually, I’m going vegetarian…

SEPHIROTH : God damn it! I’ll get her myself! By the way, good luck with AVP 3… I’m sure it’ll be a hit…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DIRECTOR : So, how did the interview with Ellone go? Please don’t’ say you killed her…

SEPHIROTH : Lets just say she’s “Ellone” right now, he he he…

DIRECTOR : Well, we’re done here. Wait, where’s Zell?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ZELL : Lucy! Wait!

LUCY : Get lost Zell!

ZELL : I’m sorry I lied to you! Will you take me back? Please…

LUCY : OK, I cant resist you’re boyish charms.

Zell and Lucy kiss
LUCY : What do you say we take this to my bedroom?

ZELL : Me like…

In Lucy’s Bedroom…
ZELL : I’m naked, you’re naked, lets do this. Oh, and if I shout “Booya” during, that’s just normal…

SEPHIROTH : Lucy, have you seen Zell…’s penis!? Oh my god! Put some damn clothes on, you’re burning my eyes!

ZELL : What the hell are you doing!

SEPHIROTH : We’re leaving in a minute…

ZELL : Fine! I’ll be there in a minute then, this wont take long…

LUCY : Really, only a minute?

ZELL : Yeah, that’s normal, right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : I’m sorry she dumped you, then threw you out onto the streets naked and didn’t give you your clothes back so now all you’re wearing is a hand-towel…

ZELL : Thanks for ruining the moment.

SEPHIROTH : Don’t blame this on me! You would have ruined it yourself anyway! A minute! My god! You’ve been beaten by almost every animal in the world, Zell.

ZELL : You wont tell anyone, right?

SEPHIROTH : Of course not. Hey everyone! Listen to this… Get a camera, we’re filming this!

ZELL : Oh man, this couldn’t get any worse…

MA DINCHT : Oh, hi Zell. I’m on vacation here. Hey, what’s going on in that crowd over there…

ZELL : Ma, wait! Don’t go…

MA DINCT : Oh, Zell, don’t be ashamed! This is my son, Zell, and he’s proud of his problem!

CROWD : *Obnoxious laughter*

ZELL : I could just bury myself…

SEPHIROTH : Well, if not your penis! Ha!
 
Behind The Scenes – Winhill
NARRATOR : TV. Man’s best friend. Within TV are many TV personalities, hiding behind masks of makeup and false smiles. But wheat happens to that smile when the camera’s are turned off…?

SEPHIROTH : OK, heads up guys, travelling here in my car and I run over something…

CREW : Awwww…

SEPHIROTH : Yeah, its all right though, it was only an orphan… What? That’s all right, isn't it?

DIRECTOR : Er…

SEPHIROTH : Cool! Fajitas!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : Winhill? God! It was sooo boring! It was like Star Wars Episode I, even the action scenes were boring…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DIRECTOR : We’re surrounded by monsters…

ZELL : We can’t take them all on!

SEPHIROTH : Guys, this is my last goodbye… You know what, this isn't as exciting as it seems really…

DIRECTOR : No, these are just Bite Bugs after all…

ZELL : They’re still a threat!

SEPHIROTH : To you maybe, but you have the strength of a 2 year old, in fact, that’s offensive to 2 year olds…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ZELL : All those Bite Bugs, god, almost died there!

SEPHIROTH : Of embarrassment, maybe. Zell’s so weak. Like before, with the toothpaste…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ZELL : Damn toothpaste, so hard… to… Nggg, get out… Ahh! Bear!

Mauling ensues…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ZELL : In all fairness, it was a bear!

SEPHIROTH : True, but you’re such an easy target, like… Actually, I’m not gonna go there, they’ll probably sue me. I’ll give you a clue though, it involved her, some guy and her vagina…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DIRECTOR : The most excitement we had was when we met Kiros and Ward. They were pissed we didn’t interview them…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

KIROS : Hey, Mr. Director Man! How come ‘choo ain’t interviewed me and Ward?

WARD : ………

KIROS : I know, it’s a travesty!

DIRECTOR : I’m sorry, but you’re minor characters and we don’t have the space for you…

WARD : ………………

KIROS : Ward’s got a point, you interviewed that Tot guy in Treno and he din’t even do any fightin’!

DIRECTOR : Well…

SEPHIROTH : Hey, Stan. God, I just did this really big crap and, well, lets put it this way, this town’s gonna have plumbing problems…

WARD : ……………

KIROS : Yeah, exactly Ward. Thanks a lot for that Mr. Big-Shot-TV-Guy!

SEPHIROTH : Sorry but… whoa, you understand this Godzilla?

KIROS : Yeah… Him AND Ward…

GODZILLA : RARGH!!!

KIROS : Fine. Hey! Buy some milk while you’re there. Japanese cows are the best…

WARD : ……………

KIROS : AND the women too, sorry Ward… Anyway, back to our debate…

DIRECTOR : We just didn’t have the time space…

WARD : ……………

KIROS : Good point, why cant you interview us for this “Behind The Scenes” show?

SEPHIROTH : OK, fine. I’m not gonna sugar coat it… Firstly, he’s a mute…

WARD : …………!!!

KIROS : Yeah, that IS prejudice!

SEHIROTH : And your clothes, Kiros, well they’re very revealing in the crotch region and we kinda have kids watching this show and the 23% who haven’t been mistreated can’t deal with these sexual things…

KIROS : But ‘choo had S-E-X with that Lucy girl just an hour ago!

SEPHIROTH : Yeah… Just leave it here and we don’t have to hurt your feelings…

KIROS : Go ahead, I’m a man!

SEPHIROTH : We can see that… Well, in all honesty… The audience may not be open to this gay relationship…

KIROS : We ain’t gay!
SEPHIROTH : Of course not… Now can you go… You’re polluting the camera…

KIROS : Fine! Come on Ward, lets go…

WARD : ……………

KIROS : Yeah, fine. Only if you do it to me too…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ZELL : You wanna talk about R-R-R-Raine!!!

SEPHIROTH : Who said her name!

DIRECTOR : I can’t be doing with this stress…

ZELL : Well, it all happened…

SEPHIROTH : Shut up Zell, this is my story to tell. Well, about half an hour ago…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : So this was Raine’s pub?

ZELL : It’s really spooky…

DIRECTOR : Like a movie with Tim Allen…

SEPHIROTH : Get over it, guys, it’s not as if a ghost inhabits this place……… I said ITS NOT AS IF A GHOST INHABITS THIS PLACE……… I SAID…

DIRECTOR : Calm down Sephiroth… I don’t think a ghost lives here…

RAINE : Actually, there is a ghost here…

ZELL : *Girly scream*

SEPHIROTH : Hey! I said…

RAINE : Its sod’s law, he believed there was a ghost and when he said “there’s no ghost” poof! I appeared!

ZELL : I wet myself…

SEPHIROTH : So you’re Raine… Can ghosts do anything as ghosts… you know, sexually…

ZELL : Eww!!!

SEPHIROTH : Hey, she’s a good looking ghost! So excuse me if I want to make love to a ghost… Actually that sounds pretty weird…

RAINE : I don’t know whether or not to be offended… Why wouldn’t you?

SEPHIROTH : Because you’re a ghost…

RAINE : So!? You’re basically a lifeless being!

SEPHIROTH : Touché. Er, can you guys give us some space… Its gonna get messy…

ZELL : You’re not gonna…

SEPHIROTH : Yes I am… Venkman, get her with your proton lasers!

VENKMAN : Come on guys!

RAINE : Ahhhh!!!!

SEPHIROTH : Thanks guys. Hey, how’s Slimer? He was funny… Funnier than Dan Akroyd over there…

AKROYD : Hey!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SEPHIROTH : How would I rate this trip?

DIRECTOR : It was pretty…

ZELL : Bluntly it was…

SEPHIROTH : Shit. Winhill’s THE most boring place, well, after Zell’s pants that is…

ZELL : Why!? Any opportunity you get, “Oh lets make fun of Zell!” You know what, I may just kill myself…

Zell runs outside
BOOM!
SEPHIROTH : Did he kill himself?

ZELL : Guys, run! Akroyd’s back and he has a gun and…

AKROYD : Hey, Sephiroth, say hello to a little friend of mine!

SEPHIROTH : Sweet Jesus, it’s the “Stay Puft” Marshmallow Man…

DIRECTOR : Yeah, we better leave…

ZELL : Way ahead of you guys!

SEPHIROTH : Wait, I’ll sacrifice something… Ah ha! Britney’s career! She’s just gonna lose it anyway so it really makes no difference…


-Sorry this is a day late, I obviously cant keep to schedules. Oh well, I dont think many people read it anyway, so I'm basically talking to myself...-
 
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