For the most part, ESRB ratings are a good guideline for game buying. Unfortunately, games are getting more and more like real life; and in real life, the line between good and bad is not as black and white as a slim list of guidelines. We take a closer look at 13 E-Rated games that should be M-Rated
1. Professor Layton and the Curious Village
I'm sorry, what? A 10 year-old boy is traveling the countryside with an old professor he has no relation to? By all the ESRB's guidelines this is an E-Rated game with no objectionable content. Players step into the role of Luke, a young boy who solves riddles and puzzles and gets praised by his older professor friend. Though the content is not explicitly M, the thought of a young boy traveling the countryside with an old man is as creepy as an alter boy sharing room in a confessional booth with a priest.
2. Baby Pals
To be honest, other than expecting mothers and fathers, no one really needs to imagine the reality of taking care of a newborn baby in graphic detail. Though young girls may play out taking care of babies with their dolls, the thought of wiping a baby's ass on a DS's touch screen is counter to everything that is good and pure. Is it really wise to give anyone who owns a DS the ability to tickle naked babies?
3. Zack & Wiki: Search for Barbos' Treasure
Everyone loves a good puzzle game, and Zack & Wiki is just that - a good puzzle game. In fact, it's such a good puzzle game that unless you're a member of MENSA, solving this game is an immense challenge. Giving a game that is this cute, and this inoffensive is, well, just offensive. Putting a game like this in the hands of a young child is like putting a time bomb of frustration in the palm of their hands. Perhaps the content is not M-Rated here, however, the difficulty level certainly is. On a side note, I'm still trying to figure out what's going on with the cross-dressing bunnies!
4. Viva Pinata
Ah, the life of a Pinata, simple, serene, and well, not to be fatalistic, but doomed. Anyone who has seen the animated television show knows it is down right disturbing to see a living pinata stuff itself full of candy only to have its gullet slit. The thing that's so wickedly disturbing about the game is not only smashing these animals open, but breeding them. The major premise surrounding the game is breeding pinatas to make hybrids for smashing open. Though the pinata sex is not nearly as graphic as Grand Theft Auto's Hot Coffee sex, it's still a wonder that amorous, paper mache animals get an E-Rating.
5. High Rollers Casinos
Huh, what? Hanging out in a casino and gambling is E-Rated? By that logic Las Vegas casinos should start providing booster seats and highchairs for their younger customers. All this game needs to make it legit is a fake I.D. making mini-game. Snake-Eye!
6. Sneak King
The idea of giving starving people free food is commendable. However, the premise of Sneak King is that players sneak up on unsuspecting people and offer them cheeseburgers. And, not just any cheeseburger, but a Burger King cheeseburger. This game is marketing at its least subversive. Sure, there's no violence, no bad language, drug usage, or sex, but after playing this game for more than 10 minutes, players are so inundated with Burger King, they will be craving a BK burger like it's a drug. So it seems everyone can be subjected to, and crave, BK burgers. There simply should be a line drawn in the sands of marketing.
7. Capitalism II
Since when did empirical Capitalism become a good thing? When I hear of an E-Rated game my immediate assumption is that the content is at least somewhat supportive of the supposed powers of good. On the street, selling anything to anyone to turn a quick buck is usually called ripping people off. But, slap a corporate name tag on it, and well, it seems it's called doing good for the betterment of the world. Perhaps the makers of this came will come out with a sequel called Extortionist II. Heck, even the front of the box screams evil M-Rated game.
I'm sorry, what? A 10 year-old boy is traveling the countryside with an old professor he has no relation to? By all the ESRB's guidelines this is an E-Rated game with no objectionable content. Players step into the role of Luke, a young boy who solves riddles and puzzles and gets praised by his older professor friend. Though the content is not explicitly M, the thought of a young boy traveling the countryside with an old man is as creepy as an alter boy sharing room in a confessional booth with a priest.
2. Baby Pals
To be honest, other than expecting mothers and fathers, no one really needs to imagine the reality of taking care of a newborn baby in graphic detail. Though young girls may play out taking care of babies with their dolls, the thought of wiping a baby's ass on a DS's touch screen is counter to everything that is good and pure. Is it really wise to give anyone who owns a DS the ability to tickle naked babies?
3. Zack & Wiki: Search for Barbos' Treasure
Everyone loves a good puzzle game, and Zack & Wiki is just that - a good puzzle game. In fact, it's such a good puzzle game that unless you're a member of MENSA, solving this game is an immense challenge. Giving a game that is this cute, and this inoffensive is, well, just offensive. Putting a game like this in the hands of a young child is like putting a time bomb of frustration in the palm of their hands. Perhaps the content is not M-Rated here, however, the difficulty level certainly is. On a side note, I'm still trying to figure out what's going on with the cross-dressing bunnies!
4. Viva Pinata
Ah, the life of a Pinata, simple, serene, and well, not to be fatalistic, but doomed. Anyone who has seen the animated television show knows it is down right disturbing to see a living pinata stuff itself full of candy only to have its gullet slit. The thing that's so wickedly disturbing about the game is not only smashing these animals open, but breeding them. The major premise surrounding the game is breeding pinatas to make hybrids for smashing open. Though the pinata sex is not nearly as graphic as Grand Theft Auto's Hot Coffee sex, it's still a wonder that amorous, paper mache animals get an E-Rating.
5. High Rollers Casinos
Huh, what? Hanging out in a casino and gambling is E-Rated? By that logic Las Vegas casinos should start providing booster seats and highchairs for their younger customers. All this game needs to make it legit is a fake I.D. making mini-game. Snake-Eye!
6. Sneak King
The idea of giving starving people free food is commendable. However, the premise of Sneak King is that players sneak up on unsuspecting people and offer them cheeseburgers. And, not just any cheeseburger, but a Burger King cheeseburger. This game is marketing at its least subversive. Sure, there's no violence, no bad language, drug usage, or sex, but after playing this game for more than 10 minutes, players are so inundated with Burger King, they will be craving a BK burger like it's a drug. So it seems everyone can be subjected to, and crave, BK burgers. There simply should be a line drawn in the sands of marketing.
7. Capitalism II
Since when did empirical Capitalism become a good thing? When I hear of an E-Rated game my immediate assumption is that the content is at least somewhat supportive of the supposed powers of good. On the street, selling anything to anyone to turn a quick buck is usually called ripping people off. But, slap a corporate name tag on it, and well, it seems it's called doing good for the betterment of the world. Perhaps the makers of this came will come out with a sequel called Extortionist II. Heck, even the front of the box screams evil M-Rated game.
8. Britney's Dance Beat
Though the game was released well before the Pop Star's decent into madness, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that the woman should never have been a role model for young girls. Though the game is a rhythm game, it seems that following the dance moves of Britney will only lead to following the head shaving and child raising moves of the woman.
9. My Weight Loss Coach
If someone's overweight then the last thing they need is a videogame to tell them that they are fat. My Weight Loss Coach just may make an appearance if the next Lifetime Movie special where a young girl succumbs to an eating disorder tries to rely on a videogame to get her out of trouble when she then falls into the wrong crowd. Seriously, a videogame may be a helpful way to coach people through learning a language, however, coaching someone though loosing weight? That has an eating disorder and lawsuit written all over it.
10. Carol Vorderman's Sudoku
How do you take something as harmless as Sudoku and make it M-Rated? You put a half-naked woman in the game for no apparent reason other than to sell the game. And just who is Carol Vorderman. For those who don't know, she's a British television game show personality. Now, I'm sure Ms. Vorderman is a perfectly wonderful person, however her name is now being used to sell Sudoku. The connection between the two is vague. Sex sells, however, and that should be reason enough to make this puzzle game M-Rated.
11. Dream Day Honeymoon
Ah, newlyweds. Marriage is a wonderful thing. Is dreaming about what happens on a honeymoon really E-Rated material? Perhaps it's just me, but the last thing I'd think any young couple would do on a honeymoon is sit around playing board games and solving puzzles. There seems to be a disconnect with reality here. Merely bringing up the connotation of a honeymoon is suggestive of sex, whether it happens in a game or not. The game even features locals with names like: Tony's Tiki Hut and Spa Luana.
12. Dirty Dancing - The Game
Back in the 80's Dirty Dancing steamed up the screen and changed many people's concept of dancing. Unfortunately, it would have been better if it didn't. The game has players dancing their way through sultry dances to make it to the dancing finals at Kellerman's. Playing the game successfully actually requires having watched the movie, the Rated-R movie. Though the game's content may be considered E-friendly, having to suffer through the melodramatic movie - and Patrick Swayze - has an M-Rating all over it. Most things from the '80's should stay in the '80's. Sorry, Johnny, Baby needs to be put in a corner!
13. Bratz
It is a little known fact that Bratz is actually an acronym for what these girls really are, Bitchy Repugnant Atrocious Tranny Zstreet Walkers (the z is silent). The game is supposedly an action/ adventure where players compete for a spot in "America Rocks Fashion" by dressing hip and accessorizing. The simple truth is that young girls aren't meant to look like fashion queens or Tammy Faye Baker. If you have to put a young girl in a short skirt and blue eye-shadow to win a game, its rating should be anything but E. Hasn't the world learned anything from the tragedy of JonBenét Ramsey? The entire Bratz line of products could disappear from existence and the world would be better off.
Though the game was released well before the Pop Star's decent into madness, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that the woman should never have been a role model for young girls. Though the game is a rhythm game, it seems that following the dance moves of Britney will only lead to following the head shaving and child raising moves of the woman.
9. My Weight Loss Coach
If someone's overweight then the last thing they need is a videogame to tell them that they are fat. My Weight Loss Coach just may make an appearance if the next Lifetime Movie special where a young girl succumbs to an eating disorder tries to rely on a videogame to get her out of trouble when she then falls into the wrong crowd. Seriously, a videogame may be a helpful way to coach people through learning a language, however, coaching someone though loosing weight? That has an eating disorder and lawsuit written all over it.
10. Carol Vorderman's Sudoku
How do you take something as harmless as Sudoku and make it M-Rated? You put a half-naked woman in the game for no apparent reason other than to sell the game. And just who is Carol Vorderman. For those who don't know, she's a British television game show personality. Now, I'm sure Ms. Vorderman is a perfectly wonderful person, however her name is now being used to sell Sudoku. The connection between the two is vague. Sex sells, however, and that should be reason enough to make this puzzle game M-Rated.
11. Dream Day Honeymoon
Ah, newlyweds. Marriage is a wonderful thing. Is dreaming about what happens on a honeymoon really E-Rated material? Perhaps it's just me, but the last thing I'd think any young couple would do on a honeymoon is sit around playing board games and solving puzzles. There seems to be a disconnect with reality here. Merely bringing up the connotation of a honeymoon is suggestive of sex, whether it happens in a game or not. The game even features locals with names like: Tony's Tiki Hut and Spa Luana.
12. Dirty Dancing - The Game
Back in the 80's Dirty Dancing steamed up the screen and changed many people's concept of dancing. Unfortunately, it would have been better if it didn't. The game has players dancing their way through sultry dances to make it to the dancing finals at Kellerman's. Playing the game successfully actually requires having watched the movie, the Rated-R movie. Though the game's content may be considered E-friendly, having to suffer through the melodramatic movie - and Patrick Swayze - has an M-Rating all over it. Most things from the '80's should stay in the '80's. Sorry, Johnny, Baby needs to be put in a corner!
13. Bratz
It is a little known fact that Bratz is actually an acronym for what these girls really are, Bitchy Repugnant Atrocious Tranny Zstreet Walkers (the z is silent). The game is supposedly an action/ adventure where players compete for a spot in "America Rocks Fashion" by dressing hip and accessorizing. The simple truth is that young girls aren't meant to look like fashion queens or Tammy Faye Baker. If you have to put a young girl in a short skirt and blue eye-shadow to win a game, its rating should be anything but E. Hasn't the world learned anything from the tragedy of JonBenét Ramsey? The entire Bratz line of products could disappear from existence and the world would be better off.
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