[T] Hearts of Iron II VG Playthrough (Kaiserreich Mod)

[Noblesse Oblige]

Ladies, Gentlemen....and Monkeys. Welcome one and all to my VG playthrough of Hearts of Iron II Kaiserreich Mod. The people have voted and they chose the United States of America...I am probably gonna die, as the United States....

Anyway, let us begin...

64 Years ago, in a planet exactly like our own...

Since I'm gonna spare you the full story, I'll give ya the details. Germany wins WWI, Britain and France are now Communist, the King lives in Canada and the U.S....well it's like the U.S. now..what a bloody frakking surprise.

So let's get started for real shall we?

This is America (Panama Canal, Alaska and Hawaii not shown) we all know what it looks like so I'm not going to explain it to you.

This is our Cabinet, in case you don't understand, the top left is President Hoover aka Mr. Vaccum Cleaner

the top right is some guy named Charles Curtis, who's apparently 3/4 Native American.

One of Curtis's potential and ugly great grandfathers...

This is the production line, where I build shit and not worry bout it. I spend most of time here, trying to make sure that shit doesn't hit the fan. Easier said than done, since I start the game with popularity ratings equal to Justin Beiber in FFF.

Seriously, who likes this guy anyway?!?

Finally I show you my puppet states, what are puppet states? Well...

Okay let me be serious...

As you can see, I control the foriegn relations of Liberia and the Philippines. yes, I own Jay's home country and there ain't a thing he can do about it.

So this is how it goes, this Playthrough will be done in a format used to Fan-Fic Strategy Games, called After Action Reports (AAR's) my next post will deal with actual gameplay, I'll try to be funny, and I'll most likely fail at that, so hopefully by no one will see me fail in game by 1937, and if so...laugh at me, cause I fail worse at being President than Obama, there I said it.

So if you read it and are not interested, then I'm sorry to have wasted 5 minutes of your life, if you're interested, then come on down for the next part.

 

[Noblesse Oblige]

Hey there Tantalus, and welcome to the OFFICIAL PART ONE of my Tantalus Playthrough of Hearts of Iron Kaiserreich, and gawd....these events are set up to screw you over, I swear.

The first event that comes up:

In my opinion, Mafia escalating is a good thing, it means we have people like him taking care of our neighborhood.

Seriously, this guy is awesome. He's like a Mafia god.

Of course, we go to Southern Italy and tell them kindly to stop sending in their guys over to make people sleep with the fishes. Their response...

Well who needs ya....Sicilian pricks.

In case your wondering why one part of Italy is green and one part is brown, well...let's just say Italy went the way of an Oreo Cookie...now why would an Oreo cookie split into two completely different colors I will never know, all I can say is blame Adri.

Just when you think things can't get any worse...

Oh no, our Native American go a heart attack...it would be a bad thing, but I'm hoping Sarah Palin gets one too...

...what, am I the only one who doesn't like Sarah Palin?

Introducing choices, now we get to pick our poison, take for example, Pittsburgh becomes New Orleans for a day, and what's worse, it's on Saint Pat's Day.

I wish I had an Irish joke here, I really do...but after declaring so many times that I would invade Diar's homeland so many times the joke gets old, stale and moldy like the loaf of bread that's sitting on top of my closest for the past 2 weeks...

The one that is shaped like a diamond is the one I chose...cause well...if you see the bullet thing, that's my dissent, I started with like 26% dissent, at the time, it was over 9,000%.

Actually it's 33%. 1 in 3 Americans hate me already...that's a new record...prick.

It also leads to something like this happening...

Apparently, the Auto Workers don't like me either...good cause I don't have a car...

...crap I don't have a car.

*The Next Day...*

Okay, now that I'm feeling better, time to pass some legislation, Apparently it's 1936 and so far only Caucasian people have full rights in truth. I'd say white people, but I'm black and I don't want to come off as racist...even though that last sentence pretty much did exactly that.

Of course, being about equal rights, I managed to score -1 on the dissent scale...unfortunately that double digit score is not gonna go away.

I received a call from the Pope, who is apparently the President of Italy...now I'm already pissed off at the Communist Southern Italy, because they are Sicillian @$$holes, so I decide on what he has to say...

Apparently, some guy named Father Charles Coughlin is talking smack about the Jews, saying that all Jews are commies who caused the stock market crash in Berlin *record skip*

Yes, I said Berlin, not New York. I didn't make the mod so bite me.

Anyway, he wants us to screw over the First Amendment and mess up his freedom of speech. Now, the First Amendment is the most cherished of our Amendments, it is the Commandment to end all Commandments, the bread to my sandwiches, the cookies to my cream, would I really be a dick and say that Freedom of Speech is a lie like cake?

Of course I freaking would, because I'm a big fat jerk. Sure it added +5 (to make for an even 34) but it's fucking worth it. Take that Evangelicalist S.O.B's!!!!

Just turn on a light, don't be stupid...where was I...

Governor of Alabama: Supreme Leader McIntosh, we have a problem.

Me: I don't care about your problems, your Alabama, no one cares about Alabama...I'm don't give a flying F$#@ about...

OMG HAX Send in the military!!! Crush them!!!!

*One month later...*

*One more month later*
Okay, it's summer time. Let's head to the beach and...god, it's hot outside, let me turn on the radio and hear what the temperature is...

OH, COME ON MAN!!!! This really isn't our year...also I think I'm no longer being funny, I lost my edge because of a very very hot summer. Alright then, let's go to the movies, I hear there was a movie about Modern Times or some shit...

Oh my gawd, that movie was than Spider-Man 3. I can't believe I watched that. I mean, is there a worse movie than what i just saw?

I stand corrected...

Alright, looks like I have no choice....I'm gonna read a book. Fortunately there is a new book out.

Well at least it was better than...wait I haven't read a lot of books... moving on more words...

Fourth of July, America celebrates it's 160th Birthday, Come swing like it was 1899!!!

No, I'm not going to swing, I can't dance, and Jay is depressing me continuously.

Okay, so some guy died, big deal. Apparently he was Syndicalist (this timeline's version of Communists) and a Lithuanian, so...apparently he's going to be buried in Lithuania...or some shit. Bad news, this guy takes over for the Syndies...

He not threatening now...but I bet in the near future...like say...6 months from now, he's going to be quite the Jew.

According to WEAH, the Weather Radio Station, the Heat Wave is over, and all it cost was 5000 people, 50 tons of corn and wheat, and Jesus Christ to do it.

Unfortunately, it's going to snow a lot, and considering some people's track record with snow. (Jess... ) I hope you have coffee in reserve.

Okay, we came across 9 months of pure unadulterated hell, and after all that, I managed to shave off 5% of my starting dissent. And so my final picture of the day.

It's September 11th, and on the negative 65th anniversary of 9/11 things are turning into shit. In the south, angry Fascists mad about infringing on Second amendment rights are forming Militias out to kill me, in Chicago and Detroit, Commies are taking over. It's just like 2009 all over again...

Only now I have a choice, will I continue to allow the elections to go through and continue the madness. Will I just get the military to fuck everyone and everything like they did in Iraq. Will I actually say something funny without self-depreciating...I dunno. Wait till next week for the update...now if ya excuse me, I need to go take a shower...