Never Let Go
“Are you all right?”
It’s just a question, something to say to someone to check up on how they are. But it means absolutely nothing to me now. I heard the concerned tone in Hannah’s voice and blanked her out entirely. The bastard that had killed Erin tore my heart out of its living chest and threw it to the darkest depths of the earth, swallowing it whole. And so it didn’t take long for Hannah to leave me alone in my grief. Friends, they were pathetic. They thought they could ease the pain, make it better. Unless you’ve had your own brother kill the woman you love, you would never understand me. You could never ease the pain, make it better … make me forget the horror.
I had cradled Erin in her dying moments, held her bleeding body until she finally passed away. I remembered the faint sounds of the sirens, the hushed whispers of the crowd that gathered around, the pelting of the unwelcome rain. The one person that I lived for was dead in my arms – and there was nothing I could do to bring her back.
The paramedics had dragged me back from Erin’s body. I wanted to be with her, love her, but they had to take her away. I never cried much, but I did that afternoon … on that rainy afternoon. That was the last time I ever saw her. I ran from the scene, her wet blood still on my hands, and never looked back. I pledged to never let go of Erin, the memories of the times we had playing over and over in my mind in an effort to remind me that she needed to be avenged.
I turned my back on everything – my life, my friends, even my family.
I did not permit myself to associate myself with them anymore. They were all fucking backstabbers, projecting their fake grief and secretly revelling in Erin’s death. They couldn’t accept me for who I really was, so my brother ended my soul mate’s life. He had been an artist, able to draw and paint such amazing creations. But he painted his latest picture red.
When I reached the pier, I felt somewhat at peace.
This was the place that I clung to for guidance and to get away from life.
I stared at the black gun that I was nervously fiddling about with in my hands. This was the gun he had used to shoot her. This was the gun that ended Erin’s life. This was tied to what I had to do. My brother would be shot by the same gun that was now in my hands. I would be the one to kill him. He had always been the one to oppose our relationship – now I would be the one to oppose his opposition.
He didn’t understand what we had. I wanted it back. I felt the sweat drip down my warm forehead. Anyone would have told me to pick myself back up, find another partner and carry on as normal. But when you lost the love of your life, where do you go next? I longed to join her in heaven, where I knew she was waiting for me. I was falling deeper and deeper into my never ending depression, sadness, whatever you wanted to call it.
Oliver didn’t take long to show his face.
The prodigal brother did not show any remorse for his actions that day. He knew that I was more than pissed off. That I wanted vengeance for what he had done. He recognised the fire in my eyes. He may have looked like he was about to let himself go. I did not feel any love for my sibling anymore. In fact, I felt nothing for him. I did not even pity his wasted existence.
Once this was over and done with, I would leave this life behind me.
“It didn’t have to end this way, Jamie,” he spoke softly. “You could’ve just broken it off with her and maybe she wouldn’t have had to die. Put the gun down. You can’t kill me; you’re my little sister.”
Erin’s blood reminded me, haunted me.
Did he deserve any words? Did he deserve anything from me? I glanced cynically at him. There were no words to express my hate towards the murdering bastard. No, he was just another one opposed to who I was. He didn’t want to accept that his sister was in a relationship with a woman.
His words of “you’re my little sister” rang out through my mind more than before after it was done. Erin had been avenged, but what was there left to do now? Should I have killed myself, allowed myself to be that closer to Erin and be rid of this world of hate and pain? The grief hit me once again. I grieved for her, not that monster.
The blood reminded me of who I really was.
Grieving girlfriend.
Ruthless killer of the brother.
Doomed to live a meaningless existence in here.
The dust had been left to settle in the coming years. I remembered the paramedics visiting us next. I dropped the gun I had been holding, which dropped down to the waters below through a small gap on the wood. From that moment on, I was rendered mute.
The police never gathered enough evidence to charge me of manslaughter and so I went to Hannah. Although I had been initially cold to her, she took good care of me. She would go to work each day, leave me some food, let me do whatever I wanted and came back at the end of the day to make me dinner. I tried giving her a look to say thank you for everything, but she failed to take notice.
I’m still waiting to get over the shock of that traumatic day. Despite the fact that Oliver was dead, there were still scumbags out there that committed the same atrocious acts as he did. The loss of Erin hurts me ten years later, but I’ve managed. Hannah has been here to help me through it.
And now I stand today as a victim of homophobia.
I lost the love of my life, I killed my murdering bastard of a brother and I was rendered mute for ten years. I live on to keep Erin’s memory alive, to stop this from happening ever again, to stand against the haters.