Like A Beast
The confidence came out of nowhere like an adrenaline rush. I didn’t have a reason to become the happy-go-lucky young woman that I am today. Perhaps there was one small thing that encouraged me to go for it – my best friend, Lucas.
I was one of the outcasts. I wasn’t the head cheerleader, captain of the soccer team or America’s next top model. I always took the backseat and let everyone else take the limelight. But something strange stirred inside of me two nights before high school started again. I remembered that inspirational song playing – one that my pen pal from England linked me to on the internet – and took a hard long look at my life.
Why was I living for my parents? Why had I let them decide to be who they wanted me to be? Was I doomed to live out their dreams and aspirations? After all, they were the ones that literally forced me into becoming a lawyer. Yes, it was a high paying job and even so, I felt that it wasn’t enough. Fighting crime in the courtroom may have been as satisfactory as being Superman for some people, but not me.
It had been my ambition for quite sometime to stand out from the crowd and break away from my geeky appearance. I wasn’t really a nerd to begin with, but I suppose that was the response I got from everyone that I crossed paths with.
The day before I went back to school was a pretty busy one. I planned everything in my mind of what to do. I wanted it all to go smoothly, to show to everyone that I wasn’t the stereotype, that I could be myself a different way.
So when it came to the first day of senior year, I was eager to impress only Lucas. I didn’t care for anyone else. I had been confused about my changing feelings towards him over the summer, only to be suggested by my next door neighbourhood that maybe I had a crush on him. I’d only known Lucas a year, but I felt close to him. He was the only person who didn’t judge me, who didn’t slate me, who didn’t feel afraid to associate himself with me. That was what brought on the warm, fuzzy feeling.
Some may have said it was incest to fall for your best friend, but I didn’t care what they thought. I didn’t care for being who I was either. I didn’t care for being slated for anything – my taste in music, movies, food, drink, friends … anything that was named.
I remembered heads turning towards me as soon as I stepped out of my mom’s car that morning – the heads of lustful guys and jealous girls. I’d never received so much attention for anything. The makeover may have changed my appearance to many, but I was still the same old me on the inside. Most of them recognised who I was, gasped and quickly talked amongst themselves. It felt like an episode of Gossip Girl.
I didn’t catch half of what they said. I was just too happy to take my new confidence in stride. I felt free to do whatever I wanted and to go wherever I pleased.
I felt a new woman, despite feeling the same as well. The guys were ready to pounce like wild animals, but they just didn’t see my poker face. I talked to them like normal – well, when I wasn’t being pressurised or pushed up against the lockers – but never told them that I only had eyes for Lucas. The girls were jealous that I could have had anyone from the school with the attention that I was receiving.
It may have been funny if you asked at the time, but I didn’t feel like a celebrity with having almost the school’s eyes on me – and it may have seemed false. As usual, I proceeded with my I-don’t-care-what-people-think persona and kept on searching for Lucas. This makeover had been for him and I hoped he would he felt the same way …
Previously, anyone would have loved to stand there and watch me burn, as they allowed me to become less than ashes. I would have gladly let them do that and even so, I would retain that same persona before the makeover. A makeover had only changed my appearance. There was a small part of me that feared my personality would change in time, but yet I felt I would be ready to confront that when the time would arise.
“I don’t like what you’ve done to yourself.”
If Lucas had loved what I’d done to myself and decided to get me, then it would’ve been a clichéd ending. I wondered if this ending was exactly that, but I soon began to realise Lucas loved my geeky appearance. My confidence took a beating after his comment. If he had known that my parents forced me to dress so conservatively, then maybe things could have been different.
“I didn’t do it all for you.”
His expression changed from confusion to fury. If he thought that I would do this all for him, then maybe he had another thing coming. This had been to also boost my confidence, something I was previously lacking in.
The slap to the face brought me tumbling to my knees. It was so powerful and unexpected that I hadn’t been able to keep my balance. I could feel the vibration and hear the echoes of sprinting footsteps coming in from the distance. The blood splattered on the floor from my nose and lip. I realised it hadn’t been a slip – it was a punch. I must have bit my lip so hard when it happened, no wonder there was blood there as well.
It was unexpected, I had to admit.
“You broke my nose.”
It wasn’t even angry; it was just a mere statement. He was speechless.
Those few minutes taught me more about Lucas than what I learned about him in the space of the year as friends that we had. Friends can surprise, shock and even silence you. You’d think that I was the victim from that attack. It turned out that he had a violent history. And despite what feelings I may have had for him, that punch changed everything. I felt nothing for him. I didn’t pity him. I felt no remorse.
We’re not friends anymore. Be serious, were you expecting that? This isn’t a clichéd ending.