Introduction:
I remember playing FFIX and being happy as a jaybird as I continued down a path that was littered with character development, interesting characters, great story telling, plot twists, and fun times all around. Sadly, when it comes to the Final Fantasy series, that was also the last time I felt happy as a jaybird. We were then thrust into FFX which was beyond shit. It turned an open world, with a great story, to a linear mess with a Godzilla plot. Then came FFXI, which no one cares about, then FFXII which suffered from boring characters and a story that no one cares about, then we got FFXIII.
Now, I was excited as this was first being announced. Then they more they announced about it, the more I realized that this game was going to be, and you can quote me on this, the worst Final Fantasy game (if one could call it that) in existence. Final Fantasy X once held this title, but it was snatched away in a heartbeat by this pile of filth.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, let it be said that Final Fantasy XIII is living proof that someone can indeed wrap dog shit in a fancy wrapper that says “ice cream” and people will still buy it. Even worse, people have tricked themselves into loving. Even worse still, some morons actually claim this to be their favorite. I pity them, I really do. Their taste in games much be so shit, or they haven’t played anything good in so long, they actually call this game their favorite. Oh, dearest Vidya Game overlords, I can’t choose whether you should pity these poor fools or smite them.
However, I’m leaning towards smite. Ignorance like that can’t be tolerated no matter what the excuse is.
Also, it’s pretty much been said that this game split the fanbase in two: Those who liked it, and those who didn’t. Then, Wada (SE CEO) tries to claim that long time fans of the series loved it, while new fans hated it. Other way around, dipshit, it doesn’t work that way and you know it.
However, I have to come to the conclusion that we live in a time of Lady Gaga, Justin Beiber, Katy Perry, Twilight, etc. Of course I’m going to be surrounded by the sorry sacks of walking stupidity that love this game. It’s the age I live in, and as unfortunate as it may be, I can’t change it. At least I can sit and be happy that my opinion is always right, while everyone else is wrong.
Story 1/10:
Herp to the derp. There you go, that’s the story. I don’t want to go too much into the story for the sorry asshats that like this game and haven’t finished it. But I will be happy to state that the “story” of this game is a convoluted mess that makes a Pre-K script for a play look like classical fucking literature. You get introduced to a cast of characters that are fucking annoying, that are thrust into a plot that is the pinnacle of stupidity, in a world that you couldn’t care less about.
To make matters worse, the story telling is fucking terrible. You start off not knowing what the fuck anyone is talking about. Context clues? FUCK NO. You have to go to the menu, and catch up on the game’s bullshit terms such as “fal’cie” and “l’cie” and other stupid fucking terms in the amazing, revolutionary, IN GAME FUCKING ENCYCLOPEDIA. Yes, that’s right, the game can’t take time out of its day to explain to you what’s going on, so it makes you catch up on it. That’s not how story telling works, dipshits.
Not to imply that anything interesting is going on anyway. You play as these morons who get fancy motherboard tattoos somewhere on their bodies that means that they have to do… something. I shit you fucking not. You have no idea what you have to do. You just appear with this thing branded on your ass (literally for one stupid fucking character) and you then know that you have to do… something. You have no idea, no clue, no hint as to what it is. You just know you have to do… it.
Some will argue that “fate” will lead the way. Fuck that, fate is a concept thought out by morons who lead boring lives and needed to make up a convoluted bullshit concept such as fate to give their boring lives meaning. True fucking fax.
The characters that you are introduced to have no development… At all. (More to come) The plot is simplistic, annoying, and looks as if a 1st grader tried to rewrite Star Wars and failed miserably.
The story gets a 1/10, for making Shakespeare and Tolkien break dance in their graves.
Characters 2/10:
There are no characters in this game worth a damn. Allow me to sum them all up for you. Do bear in mind that there is no character development for any of these sorry sacks of period panties.
Lighting: HERP DERP, must save my sister. I think I’m weak, so I changed my name. That totally fucking works. I’m a female version of another stupid character known as Cloud. Grrr, I’m in a bad mood. Me hit things, me yell, you Jane, get in fucking car.
Snow: HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES
Vanille: LESBIAN WITH A PERMINATE FUCKING “O-FACE”. Most annoying character ever conceived ever. FFVII had Yuffie, FFVIII had Selphie, FFIX had Eiko, FFX had Rikku, FFXII had Penello, and FFXIII has the spawn of fucking Satan. This is the traditional stupid bitch stereotype that SE can’t seem to let go of. Also, what a fail fucking accent. Shit, this bitch is annoying.
Sazh: MY SON! MY SON! MY SON! MY SON! MY SON! MY SON! Many will claim that he had character development. He went from a badass, to a loving Father. NO, HE FUCKING DIDN’T, LET ME TELL YOU HOW WRONG YOU ARE. He was always a “loving Father”, the game just didn’t let you in on that fact until later, because the story telling fucking sucks. He doesn’t change, he’s not awesome, he’s the same character you got at the beginning of the game. JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. Stupid fucking morons.
Hope: Would you like some motherfucking cheese with that motherfucking whine? No, fucking seriously, no one gives a shit. You’re annoying, go fucking hang yourself.
Fang: In dire need of feminine classes. The fugly bitch is fugly, just like her lover, Vanille. Fuck, who came up for the character designs for this game? Jesus fucking Christ.
Villains? WHAT FUCKING VILLAINS?! This game has no villain. The only one that came close was Jihl, and then she’s killed out of fucking nowhere, by some fucking other douche that no one cares about.
Fuck this fucking game.
Characters get a 2/10, for not being interesting, having no depth, and having no character development… And being annoying.
Gameplay 1/10:
Battle: X X X X X X X X X X X L1 X X X X X X X X X X X X X X L1 X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X L1
Yeah, that’s fucking it. Just admit it, this game is fucking easy. You will not need to grind, you will not need to do much of anything. Seriously, if you have problems beating this game, you have brain problems. In case you do happen to fuck up and die, no worries, HERE IS THE INSTANT FUCKING RETRY BUTTON. The game is on perpetual easy mode. Save spots every 5 minutes, on a linear as fuck map. Treasure hunting? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? I don’t know, neither do the fucking developers of this pile of ass.
Also, the game heals you after every battle. Thanks for holding my hand for me SE. I didn’t know that I was a brainless twat, but it’s nice to fucking know.
No towns, barren empty linear wasteland, assville. Seriously, you morons love this game? The fuck is wrong with you?
“Oh, but what about Gran Pulse?”
What about it? It’s a big circle map with nothing on it by more monsters that you mash “x” and occasionally tap “L1”. Big fucking whoop, want to fight about it?
“Side quests?”
Oh, you mean running down more linear tunnels and mashing “x” and “L1” some more? Sure, if that’s your kind of thing. No dialogue, no nothing.
80% of this game is a linear tunnel. I shit you not, did you pay money for this? I certainly hope not.
Gameplay gets a 1/10 for being easy and practically non-existant.
Controls 1/10: Horrid, button mashing fest, do have fun with that.
Graphics 5/10:
“But it has the bes-“
WRONG. This game does not have the best graphics around. Not by a fucking long shot. Go play S.T.A.L.K.E.R, go play Crysis. Hell, I’ll even fucking go as far as to say to play Morrowind with a graphics mod patch and the same with Oblivion. The graphics are good, but they’re nothing, NOTHING, compared to what I’ve seen on the PC years before. Fuck you.
Graphics get a 5/10 for being subpar at best.
Sound -10/10
WHO THE FUCK LET WHOEVER COMPOSED THE MUSIC FOR THIS GAME GET AWAY WITH THIS? It’s awful, the music is terrible as can be. Every track sounds damn near the same, and it sounds like some kind of Techno (not even good fucking Techno) remixes copy and pasted everywhere in the game. This was ear rape bad, I shit you not. Fuck me sideways, this was the worst OST I’ve ever heard in my life.
EVER.
Sounds gets a -10/10 for being what I would imagine would be a tiger shitting in my ear through a bullhorn.
Unique/Extra Features 1/10
Lol, this is Final Fantasy. It stopped being unique a long time ago. If you wanted unique and extra features, go play a game made by Atlus, a much better developer that cares for its fanbase.
Replay Value 0/10
YOU BEST BE TROLLIN’.
Overall Rating 1/10
Worse Final Fantasy in the series, and probably one of the worst games I’ve ever played in my life. I feel sorry for the people that like it. Everyone who loves this game is bad, and they should feel fucking bad.
I remember playing FFIX and being happy as a jaybird as I continued down a path that was littered with character development, interesting characters, great story telling, plot twists, and fun times all around. Sadly, when it comes to the Final Fantasy series, that was also the last time I felt happy as a jaybird. We were then thrust into FFX which was beyond shit. It turned an open world, with a great story, to a linear mess with a Godzilla plot. Then came FFXI, which no one cares about, then FFXII which suffered from boring characters and a story that no one cares about, then we got FFXIII.
Now, I was excited as this was first being announced. Then they more they announced about it, the more I realized that this game was going to be, and you can quote me on this, the worst Final Fantasy game (if one could call it that) in existence. Final Fantasy X once held this title, but it was snatched away in a heartbeat by this pile of filth.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, let it be said that Final Fantasy XIII is living proof that someone can indeed wrap dog shit in a fancy wrapper that says “ice cream” and people will still buy it. Even worse, people have tricked themselves into loving. Even worse still, some morons actually claim this to be their favorite. I pity them, I really do. Their taste in games much be so shit, or they haven’t played anything good in so long, they actually call this game their favorite. Oh, dearest Vidya Game overlords, I can’t choose whether you should pity these poor fools or smite them.
However, I’m leaning towards smite. Ignorance like that can’t be tolerated no matter what the excuse is.
Also, it’s pretty much been said that this game split the fanbase in two: Those who liked it, and those who didn’t. Then, Wada (SE CEO) tries to claim that long time fans of the series loved it, while new fans hated it. Other way around, dipshit, it doesn’t work that way and you know it.
However, I have to come to the conclusion that we live in a time of Lady Gaga, Justin Beiber, Katy Perry, Twilight, etc. Of course I’m going to be surrounded by the sorry sacks of walking stupidity that love this game. It’s the age I live in, and as unfortunate as it may be, I can’t change it. At least I can sit and be happy that my opinion is always right, while everyone else is wrong.
Story 1/10:
Herp to the derp. There you go, that’s the story. I don’t want to go too much into the story for the sorry asshats that like this game and haven’t finished it. But I will be happy to state that the “story” of this game is a convoluted mess that makes a Pre-K script for a play look like classical fucking literature. You get introduced to a cast of characters that are fucking annoying, that are thrust into a plot that is the pinnacle of stupidity, in a world that you couldn’t care less about.
To make matters worse, the story telling is fucking terrible. You start off not knowing what the fuck anyone is talking about. Context clues? FUCK NO. You have to go to the menu, and catch up on the game’s bullshit terms such as “fal’cie” and “l’cie” and other stupid fucking terms in the amazing, revolutionary, IN GAME FUCKING ENCYCLOPEDIA. Yes, that’s right, the game can’t take time out of its day to explain to you what’s going on, so it makes you catch up on it. That’s not how story telling works, dipshits.
Not to imply that anything interesting is going on anyway. You play as these morons who get fancy motherboard tattoos somewhere on their bodies that means that they have to do… something. I shit you fucking not. You have no idea what you have to do. You just appear with this thing branded on your ass (literally for one stupid fucking character) and you then know that you have to do… something. You have no idea, no clue, no hint as to what it is. You just know you have to do… it.
Some will argue that “fate” will lead the way. Fuck that, fate is a concept thought out by morons who lead boring lives and needed to make up a convoluted bullshit concept such as fate to give their boring lives meaning. True fucking fax.
The characters that you are introduced to have no development… At all. (More to come) The plot is simplistic, annoying, and looks as if a 1st grader tried to rewrite Star Wars and failed miserably.
The story gets a 1/10, for making Shakespeare and Tolkien break dance in their graves.
Characters 2/10:
There are no characters in this game worth a damn. Allow me to sum them all up for you. Do bear in mind that there is no character development for any of these sorry sacks of period panties.
Lighting: HERP DERP, must save my sister. I think I’m weak, so I changed my name. That totally fucking works. I’m a female version of another stupid character known as Cloud. Grrr, I’m in a bad mood. Me hit things, me yell, you Jane, get in fucking car.
Snow: HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES HEROES
Vanille: LESBIAN WITH A PERMINATE FUCKING “O-FACE”. Most annoying character ever conceived ever. FFVII had Yuffie, FFVIII had Selphie, FFIX had Eiko, FFX had Rikku, FFXII had Penello, and FFXIII has the spawn of fucking Satan. This is the traditional stupid bitch stereotype that SE can’t seem to let go of. Also, what a fail fucking accent. Shit, this bitch is annoying.
Sazh: MY SON! MY SON! MY SON! MY SON! MY SON! MY SON! Many will claim that he had character development. He went from a badass, to a loving Father. NO, HE FUCKING DIDN’T, LET ME TELL YOU HOW WRONG YOU ARE. He was always a “loving Father”, the game just didn’t let you in on that fact until later, because the story telling fucking sucks. He doesn’t change, he’s not awesome, he’s the same character you got at the beginning of the game. JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. Stupid fucking morons.
Hope: Would you like some motherfucking cheese with that motherfucking whine? No, fucking seriously, no one gives a shit. You’re annoying, go fucking hang yourself.
Fang: In dire need of feminine classes. The fugly bitch is fugly, just like her lover, Vanille. Fuck, who came up for the character designs for this game? Jesus fucking Christ.
Villains? WHAT FUCKING VILLAINS?! This game has no villain. The only one that came close was Jihl, and then she’s killed out of fucking nowhere, by some fucking other douche that no one cares about.
Fuck this fucking game.
Characters get a 2/10, for not being interesting, having no depth, and having no character development… And being annoying.
Gameplay 1/10:
Battle: X X X X X X X X X X X L1 X X X X X X X X X X X X X X L1 X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X L1
Yeah, that’s fucking it. Just admit it, this game is fucking easy. You will not need to grind, you will not need to do much of anything. Seriously, if you have problems beating this game, you have brain problems. In case you do happen to fuck up and die, no worries, HERE IS THE INSTANT FUCKING RETRY BUTTON. The game is on perpetual easy mode. Save spots every 5 minutes, on a linear as fuck map. Treasure hunting? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? I don’t know, neither do the fucking developers of this pile of ass.
Also, the game heals you after every battle. Thanks for holding my hand for me SE. I didn’t know that I was a brainless twat, but it’s nice to fucking know.
No towns, barren empty linear wasteland, assville. Seriously, you morons love this game? The fuck is wrong with you?
“Oh, but what about Gran Pulse?”
What about it? It’s a big circle map with nothing on it by more monsters that you mash “x” and occasionally tap “L1”. Big fucking whoop, want to fight about it?
“Side quests?”
Oh, you mean running down more linear tunnels and mashing “x” and “L1” some more? Sure, if that’s your kind of thing. No dialogue, no nothing.
80% of this game is a linear tunnel. I shit you not, did you pay money for this? I certainly hope not.
Gameplay gets a 1/10 for being easy and practically non-existant.
Controls 1/10: Horrid, button mashing fest, do have fun with that.
Graphics 5/10:
“But it has the bes-“
WRONG. This game does not have the best graphics around. Not by a fucking long shot. Go play S.T.A.L.K.E.R, go play Crysis. Hell, I’ll even fucking go as far as to say to play Morrowind with a graphics mod patch and the same with Oblivion. The graphics are good, but they’re nothing, NOTHING, compared to what I’ve seen on the PC years before. Fuck you.
Graphics get a 5/10 for being subpar at best.
Sound -10/10
WHO THE FUCK LET WHOEVER COMPOSED THE MUSIC FOR THIS GAME GET AWAY WITH THIS? It’s awful, the music is terrible as can be. Every track sounds damn near the same, and it sounds like some kind of Techno (not even good fucking Techno) remixes copy and pasted everywhere in the game. This was ear rape bad, I shit you not. Fuck me sideways, this was the worst OST I’ve ever heard in my life.
EVER.
Sounds gets a -10/10 for being what I would imagine would be a tiger shitting in my ear through a bullhorn.
Unique/Extra Features 1/10
Lol, this is Final Fantasy. It stopped being unique a long time ago. If you wanted unique and extra features, go play a game made by Atlus, a much better developer that cares for its fanbase.
Replay Value 0/10
YOU BEST BE TROLLIN’.
Overall Rating 1/10
Worse Final Fantasy in the series, and probably one of the worst games I’ve ever played in my life. I feel sorry for the people that like it. Everyone who loves this game is bad, and they should feel fucking bad.