Chapter 1: "The next station is..."
The thirteen days after we awoke were the beginning of the end. I like ominous, unexplained dramatic statements, so I think I'll just leave my commentary at that to annoy you, the player. We're getting off to a fantastic start here!
...but it wasn't my fault. Never think I had anything to do with this, because I didn't!
FINAL FANTASY XIII
[A soldier walks into the compartment of the train, eyes glowing like a Jawa's, blaster held poised to shoot any dissidents amongst the ranks...like a Jawa's. He examines the hooded figure's faces, seeing nothing particularly worthy of note, as his built-in head visor is crap and, strangely enough, the hoods obscure the people's faces. The screen
cuts to the train itself, which barrels through the beautiful countryside, into the tunnel. Back to the soldier we go, and two hooded figures, one of which, presumably a male, deciding to speak to another.]
Hooded Man: Hey, don't you think that guy is a little short for a PSICOM trooper?
Hooded Woman: ...you've said that about every single one that has passed us so far. Why don't you go ask him what the average height amongst them is and stop pestering me?
[The screen pans a bit to reveal that the hooded man is, in fact, black. Badass.]
Hooded Man: Y'know, I might just do that...but I didn't buy a ticket, and if he asks to see it, I'll get fined 2000 gil or I'll have to pay double the fare...whichever is greater. Do you know which of the two amounts is greater?
Hooded Woman: No...and I didn't pay the fare either. Crap.
[The train continues its journey through the tunnel, although now a vaguely ominous purple light can now be seen in front. An irritatingly bland female voice announces "The next station is Croydon. Please mind the gap between the platform and the train."
...alright, maybe not. The train passes through a purple energy vortex...thing, and continues its journey, making the viewer wonder precisely what the point in having it there was. As if sensing the viewer's curiosity, the hooded woman leaps into action, backflipping over the PSICOM soldier - much to the poor man's annoyance - and breaking the flashy gizmo that binds the hands of the passengers...which the hooded black man promptly crushes under the sole of his boot. The passengers
are free!
Two more troopers enter at the commotion, firing their guns! In typical henchmen fashion, they miss. Does nobody train their soldiers in basic marksmanship these days? The woman loses her cloak, revealing thunderous thighs, which she uses to pound the soldiers into submission, knocking them out before they get the chance to do anything, even going so far as to gun one of them down. Cold-hearted bitch. Meanwhile, the black man, who also lost his cloak off-screen somewhere along the line, is frisking(?) the passengers.]
Black Man: Hey, kid! You got any spare change? I only need 50 more gil for a ticket!
Random child #1: ...is that a CHOCOBO in your hair?
Black Man: Damn straight.
Random child #1: Can I pet it?
Black Man: Over my dead body.
Random child #1: [starts crying]
[Meanwhile, the cold-hearted bitch is killing more people. She snaps her fingers, and purple lightning energy - remind you of anyone? - sheathes her butch figure, allowing her to defy gravity. A skill she would otherwise lack, because whilst her hair is electric pink, it is rather normal-looking. Odd. In any case, she bats asides more soldiers as though they were little more than fodder, whilst the black man runs through the train: once again, he has done something off-screen, acquiring a gun and some nondescript footsoldiers of his own. He arrives at the pink-haired woman's side.]
Black Man: Nobody on this damned train has any spare change! Can you believe it?!
Pink-haired woman: ...I've killed all the guards.
Black Man: Was there any particular reason for this?
Pink-haired woman: They were all too short.
Black Man: HAH! Knew it.
[The train barrels on, entering a rather pretty, futuristic city. The pink-haired woman looks out the window, as if wondering precisely how she ended up here. Suddenly, gunship dragon things swoop in and fire on the train!]
Pink-haired woman: Give me the rocket launcher.
Black Man: What makes you think I've got one of those?!
Pink-haired woman: Are you kidding me? You're black.
Black Man: ...touche.
[Turns out she's a pretty lousy shot with one. The dragon gunship things blast the track, derailing a train and sending it plummeting over the side. The screen cuts to a bunch of rebels firing guns. Because every game needs a rebellion in it. The soldiers are fighting for control over what looks like a Stargate, which they can use to unleash robots. However, before we get to witness the slaughter the robots are bound to unleash, the screen cuts back to a scorpion-like robot, which has just stopped the train out protagonists are on, and is now proceeding to smash into it.]
Black Man: RUN!
[The pink-haired woman promptly runs out of the train to confront the giant scorpion robot which just battered through the side of a metal train with its tail.]
Black Man: ...your funeral.
[The Black Man climbs out of the wrecked train, only to find the Pink-haired woman staring down the scorpion. She raises her blade, then winks at it seductively...unfortunately, the robot isn't into butch women. If anything, it looks even more pissed off. It raises its tail threateningly, advancing on them with its chainsaw-bladed claws.]
Black Man: Oh great, now you've pissed him off!
Pink-haired woman: I didn't hear YOU complaining when I did the same to you on the train.
Black Man: You were holding a knife to my side!
Pink-haired woman: Details, details. Now, are you going to help me destroy this thing, or shall I do it myself?
Black Man: If I don't help you, will you kill me after you're finished with it?
Pink-haired woman: Yes.
Black Man: What are the odds of it killing you?
Pink-haired woman: Minimal.
Black Man: ...bloody hell.
[The fight begins. Unsurprisingly, our heroes make short work of the BADASS scorpion mech, prompting it to fall back, shaking the train carriage they happen to be standing on.]
Black Man: HAH! Looks like you're all style and no substance!
Pink-haired woman: Pot. Kettle.
Black Man: ...don't say it. Just don't. You're ruining my moment here.
[The scorpion mech fires its emergency booster engines, rocking the train carriage alarmingly.]
Pink-haired woman: Oh, NOW whose pissing him off?
Black Man: I didn't hear YOU complaining when I did the same to you on the train.
Pink-haired woman: Well, I did have a knife sticking in your side at the time.
Black Man: Details, details.
[The train carriage goes belly up as the scorpion mech hauls it off the track. The pink-haired woman displays an impressive and excessive acrobatic ability in getting off the carriage and onto the next one. The black man just runs over and jumps down. Gets the job done just as well.
The fight continues, and they actually blow it up this time. The pink-haired woman feels the need to glance over the edge and make sure its gone, whilst the black man is far more concerned with watching the similar mechs flying in the sky above. At least SOMEONE has their priorities right. Unconcerned, she walks away.]
Black Man: Aren't you supposed to be protecting civilians, SOLDIER? I mean you are Sanctum, aren't you? What are you doing, trying to stop the Purge? Why don't you tell me that?
Pink-haired woman: Because you're annoying.
[She jumps off the carriage, leaving him behind.]
Black Man: ...why do I put up with this? All I wanted was a nice, quiet train ride...I'm getting too old for all this.
[He climbs down, following her, for some irrational reason, and they run along the narrow route. Going to be typing THAT sentence more times before I'm through with this. Eventually, they come across a lone Jawa--I mean, soldier, guarding a single Stargate.]
Black Man: Where do you suppose it leads?
Pink-haired woman: Probably Pulse. It IS Hell without brimstone, after all.
Black Man: What's hell without a little brimstone?
Pink-haired woman: Pulse.
Black Man: Do you have ANY sense of humour?
Pink-haired woman: No. Anyway, they're just domesticated Peacekeepers. Nothing to worry about.
Black Man: I didn't hear you sayin' that five minutes ago when the giant scorpion was tearing up the train...
[The soldier summons two robot dogs through the Stargate, and then disengages the wormhole. Cue another battle, followed by more running along the route, and more battles...before, suddenly, debris strikes the bridge, blasting it apart! This does not appear to bother the pink-haired woman, though: she simply snaps her fingers and uses her 1337 haxX0r skillz...I mean, her lightning powers, to start flying across the gap...before the Black Man grabs her from behind.]
Black Man: Oh no. You ain't ditchin' me! Who the hell do you think I am?!
Pink-haired woman: Let go.
Black Man: Hell to the no!
Pink-haired woman: NOW.
[She punches him loose...but breaks her lightning powers in the process. Way to go. Meanwhile, a new bridge is conveniently being raised directly across from them.]
Black Man: That might get us across.
Pink-haired woman: I could have gotten across just fine.
Black Man: Look, you going to take the bridge with me or not?
Pink-haired woman: ...fine.
[More running and battling! Eventually, they come to a small platform, which they then use to head down to the bridge. Rather than getting out through the small door at the side, they decide to vault over the edge and potentially risk their lives to get onto the bridge. Honestly. In any case, a Mechanical Judge Magister is waiting for them at the end.]
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: Deportees, are we?
Random Soldier #1: What else would they be? They're not in uniform, are they?
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: That was a rhetorical question, moron.
Random Soldier #1: Oh. Right. I knew that.
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: Weapons down. I'd hate for this to get ugly.
Random Soldier #1: [lowers his gun] Me too. That butch woman looks like she could take all three of us without even breaking a sweat...
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: I meant THEM, you moron!
Random Soldier #2: Hey, don't talk to him like that! We DO have rights, y'know.
Random Soldier #1: We do?
Random Soldier #2: Yeah, we do. Didn't you read the employee handbook?
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: How do you know about that?!
Black Man: If you guys are busy, we can always do this later.
Random Soldier #2: Would you mind? This could take a while. That alright with you, boss?
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: Yeah, sure...wait, NO! We're killing them now! We can discuss how you got hold of that accursed document AFTER we've dealt with this.
Random Soldier #1: ...slavedriver.
Pink-haired Woman: ...
[Battle commences. Unsurprisingly, our heroes are victorious...unless you're a really bad player, anyway.]
Random Soldier #1: [panting] I KNEW that butch woman could take us all down without even breaking a sweat...she reminded me a lot of my ex.
Random Soldier #2: Now that you mention it...she IS a lot like your ex. Only more...butch.
Random Soldier #1: Yep.
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: I need a new job...mother wanted me to work in HR, but NO. I just HAVE to go with the field job.
Random Soldier #1: Feel like talking about it, Boss?
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: I suppose I've got nothing better to do...our asses are already fried when the higher-ups find out we lost to a couple of deportees anyway, despite having superior technology and training.
Random Soldier #1: Wait, we had training?
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: [groans]
[Back to our heroes, who are now having a thrilling conversation of their own.]
Black Man: So, soldier. What's your angle?
Pink-haired Woman: ...
[The Black Man realises he isn't about to get any answers anytime soon, and loses interest, playing with a few buttons on some nameless device immediately next to him. Since nothing explodes, he decides to try talking to her again.]
Black Man: You're a right little chatterbox, ain't ya? Bet you never had a boyfriend before--
Pink-haired Woman: The Pulse fal'Cie.
Black Man: You had one of those as a boyfriend? Sister, you got some issues...
Pink-haired Woman: My 'angle'. I'm after the Pulse fal'Cie.
[She walks past him, operating a lever and making the entire bridge collapse and begin to move.]
Pink-haired Woman: Still happy you tagged along?
[The Black Man watches her move past him again, preparing to get off the bridge when it has either finished moving or, in all likelihood, been blasted to pieces.]
Black Man: With this view? Absolutely. Not that I had much of a choice in the matter...
The thirteen days after we awoke were the beginning of the end. I like ominous, unexplained dramatic statements, so I think I'll just leave my commentary at that to annoy you, the player. We're getting off to a fantastic start here!
...but it wasn't my fault. Never think I had anything to do with this, because I didn't!
FINAL FANTASY XIII
[A soldier walks into the compartment of the train, eyes glowing like a Jawa's, blaster held poised to shoot any dissidents amongst the ranks...like a Jawa's. He examines the hooded figure's faces, seeing nothing particularly worthy of note, as his built-in head visor is crap and, strangely enough, the hoods obscure the people's faces. The screen
cuts to the train itself, which barrels through the beautiful countryside, into the tunnel. Back to the soldier we go, and two hooded figures, one of which, presumably a male, deciding to speak to another.]
Hooded Man: Hey, don't you think that guy is a little short for a PSICOM trooper?
Hooded Woman: ...you've said that about every single one that has passed us so far. Why don't you go ask him what the average height amongst them is and stop pestering me?
[The screen pans a bit to reveal that the hooded man is, in fact, black. Badass.]
Hooded Man: Y'know, I might just do that...but I didn't buy a ticket, and if he asks to see it, I'll get fined 2000 gil or I'll have to pay double the fare...whichever is greater. Do you know which of the two amounts is greater?
Hooded Woman: No...and I didn't pay the fare either. Crap.
[The train continues its journey through the tunnel, although now a vaguely ominous purple light can now be seen in front. An irritatingly bland female voice announces "The next station is Croydon. Please mind the gap between the platform and the train."
...alright, maybe not. The train passes through a purple energy vortex...thing, and continues its journey, making the viewer wonder precisely what the point in having it there was. As if sensing the viewer's curiosity, the hooded woman leaps into action, backflipping over the PSICOM soldier - much to the poor man's annoyance - and breaking the flashy gizmo that binds the hands of the passengers...which the hooded black man promptly crushes under the sole of his boot. The passengers
are free!
Two more troopers enter at the commotion, firing their guns! In typical henchmen fashion, they miss. Does nobody train their soldiers in basic marksmanship these days? The woman loses her cloak, revealing thunderous thighs, which she uses to pound the soldiers into submission, knocking them out before they get the chance to do anything, even going so far as to gun one of them down. Cold-hearted bitch. Meanwhile, the black man, who also lost his cloak off-screen somewhere along the line, is frisking(?) the passengers.]
Black Man: Hey, kid! You got any spare change? I only need 50 more gil for a ticket!
Random child #1: ...is that a CHOCOBO in your hair?
Black Man: Damn straight.
Random child #1: Can I pet it?
Black Man: Over my dead body.
Random child #1: [starts crying]
[Meanwhile, the cold-hearted bitch is killing more people. She snaps her fingers, and purple lightning energy - remind you of anyone? - sheathes her butch figure, allowing her to defy gravity. A skill she would otherwise lack, because whilst her hair is electric pink, it is rather normal-looking. Odd. In any case, she bats asides more soldiers as though they were little more than fodder, whilst the black man runs through the train: once again, he has done something off-screen, acquiring a gun and some nondescript footsoldiers of his own. He arrives at the pink-haired woman's side.]
Black Man: Nobody on this damned train has any spare change! Can you believe it?!
Pink-haired woman: ...I've killed all the guards.
Black Man: Was there any particular reason for this?
Pink-haired woman: They were all too short.
Black Man: HAH! Knew it.
[The train barrels on, entering a rather pretty, futuristic city. The pink-haired woman looks out the window, as if wondering precisely how she ended up here. Suddenly, gunship dragon things swoop in and fire on the train!]
Pink-haired woman: Give me the rocket launcher.
Black Man: What makes you think I've got one of those?!
Pink-haired woman: Are you kidding me? You're black.
Black Man: ...touche.
[Turns out she's a pretty lousy shot with one. The dragon gunship things blast the track, derailing a train and sending it plummeting over the side. The screen cuts to a bunch of rebels firing guns. Because every game needs a rebellion in it. The soldiers are fighting for control over what looks like a Stargate, which they can use to unleash robots. However, before we get to witness the slaughter the robots are bound to unleash, the screen cuts back to a scorpion-like robot, which has just stopped the train out protagonists are on, and is now proceeding to smash into it.]
Black Man: RUN!
[The pink-haired woman promptly runs out of the train to confront the giant scorpion robot which just battered through the side of a metal train with its tail.]
Black Man: ...your funeral.
[The Black Man climbs out of the wrecked train, only to find the Pink-haired woman staring down the scorpion. She raises her blade, then winks at it seductively...unfortunately, the robot isn't into butch women. If anything, it looks even more pissed off. It raises its tail threateningly, advancing on them with its chainsaw-bladed claws.]
Black Man: Oh great, now you've pissed him off!
Pink-haired woman: I didn't hear YOU complaining when I did the same to you on the train.
Black Man: You were holding a knife to my side!
Pink-haired woman: Details, details. Now, are you going to help me destroy this thing, or shall I do it myself?
Black Man: If I don't help you, will you kill me after you're finished with it?
Pink-haired woman: Yes.
Black Man: What are the odds of it killing you?
Pink-haired woman: Minimal.
Black Man: ...bloody hell.
[The fight begins. Unsurprisingly, our heroes make short work of the BADASS scorpion mech, prompting it to fall back, shaking the train carriage they happen to be standing on.]
Black Man: HAH! Looks like you're all style and no substance!
Pink-haired woman: Pot. Kettle.
Black Man: ...don't say it. Just don't. You're ruining my moment here.
[The scorpion mech fires its emergency booster engines, rocking the train carriage alarmingly.]
Pink-haired woman: Oh, NOW whose pissing him off?
Black Man: I didn't hear YOU complaining when I did the same to you on the train.
Pink-haired woman: Well, I did have a knife sticking in your side at the time.
Black Man: Details, details.
[The train carriage goes belly up as the scorpion mech hauls it off the track. The pink-haired woman displays an impressive and excessive acrobatic ability in getting off the carriage and onto the next one. The black man just runs over and jumps down. Gets the job done just as well.
The fight continues, and they actually blow it up this time. The pink-haired woman feels the need to glance over the edge and make sure its gone, whilst the black man is far more concerned with watching the similar mechs flying in the sky above. At least SOMEONE has their priorities right. Unconcerned, she walks away.]
Black Man: Aren't you supposed to be protecting civilians, SOLDIER? I mean you are Sanctum, aren't you? What are you doing, trying to stop the Purge? Why don't you tell me that?
Pink-haired woman: Because you're annoying.
[She jumps off the carriage, leaving him behind.]
Black Man: ...why do I put up with this? All I wanted was a nice, quiet train ride...I'm getting too old for all this.
[He climbs down, following her, for some irrational reason, and they run along the narrow route. Going to be typing THAT sentence more times before I'm through with this. Eventually, they come across a lone Jawa--I mean, soldier, guarding a single Stargate.]
Black Man: Where do you suppose it leads?
Pink-haired woman: Probably Pulse. It IS Hell without brimstone, after all.
Black Man: What's hell without a little brimstone?
Pink-haired woman: Pulse.
Black Man: Do you have ANY sense of humour?
Pink-haired woman: No. Anyway, they're just domesticated Peacekeepers. Nothing to worry about.
Black Man: I didn't hear you sayin' that five minutes ago when the giant scorpion was tearing up the train...
[The soldier summons two robot dogs through the Stargate, and then disengages the wormhole. Cue another battle, followed by more running along the route, and more battles...before, suddenly, debris strikes the bridge, blasting it apart! This does not appear to bother the pink-haired woman, though: she simply snaps her fingers and uses her 1337 haxX0r skillz...I mean, her lightning powers, to start flying across the gap...before the Black Man grabs her from behind.]
Black Man: Oh no. You ain't ditchin' me! Who the hell do you think I am?!
Pink-haired woman: Let go.
Black Man: Hell to the no!
Pink-haired woman: NOW.
[She punches him loose...but breaks her lightning powers in the process. Way to go. Meanwhile, a new bridge is conveniently being raised directly across from them.]
Black Man: That might get us across.
Pink-haired woman: I could have gotten across just fine.
Black Man: Look, you going to take the bridge with me or not?
Pink-haired woman: ...fine.
[More running and battling! Eventually, they come to a small platform, which they then use to head down to the bridge. Rather than getting out through the small door at the side, they decide to vault over the edge and potentially risk their lives to get onto the bridge. Honestly. In any case, a Mechanical Judge Magister is waiting for them at the end.]
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: Deportees, are we?
Random Soldier #1: What else would they be? They're not in uniform, are they?
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: That was a rhetorical question, moron.
Random Soldier #1: Oh. Right. I knew that.
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: Weapons down. I'd hate for this to get ugly.
Random Soldier #1: [lowers his gun] Me too. That butch woman looks like she could take all three of us without even breaking a sweat...
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: I meant THEM, you moron!
Random Soldier #2: Hey, don't talk to him like that! We DO have rights, y'know.
Random Soldier #1: We do?
Random Soldier #2: Yeah, we do. Didn't you read the employee handbook?
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: How do you know about that?!
Black Man: If you guys are busy, we can always do this later.
Random Soldier #2: Would you mind? This could take a while. That alright with you, boss?
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: Yeah, sure...wait, NO! We're killing them now! We can discuss how you got hold of that accursed document AFTER we've dealt with this.
Random Soldier #1: ...slavedriver.
Pink-haired Woman: ...
[Battle commences. Unsurprisingly, our heroes are victorious...unless you're a really bad player, anyway.]
Random Soldier #1: [panting] I KNEW that butch woman could take us all down without even breaking a sweat...she reminded me a lot of my ex.
Random Soldier #2: Now that you mention it...she IS a lot like your ex. Only more...butch.
Random Soldier #1: Yep.
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: I need a new job...mother wanted me to work in HR, but NO. I just HAVE to go with the field job.
Random Soldier #1: Feel like talking about it, Boss?
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: I suppose I've got nothing better to do...our asses are already fried when the higher-ups find out we lost to a couple of deportees anyway, despite having superior technology and training.
Random Soldier #1: Wait, we had training?
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: [groans]
[Back to our heroes, who are now having a thrilling conversation of their own.]
Black Man: So, soldier. What's your angle?
Pink-haired Woman: ...
[The Black Man realises he isn't about to get any answers anytime soon, and loses interest, playing with a few buttons on some nameless device immediately next to him. Since nothing explodes, he decides to try talking to her again.]
Black Man: You're a right little chatterbox, ain't ya? Bet you never had a boyfriend before--
Pink-haired Woman: The Pulse fal'Cie.
Black Man: You had one of those as a boyfriend? Sister, you got some issues...
Pink-haired Woman: My 'angle'. I'm after the Pulse fal'Cie.
[She walks past him, operating a lever and making the entire bridge collapse and begin to move.]
Pink-haired Woman: Still happy you tagged along?
[The Black Man watches her move past him again, preparing to get off the bridge when it has either finished moving or, in all likelihood, been blasted to pieces.]
Black Man: With this view? Absolutely. Not that I had much of a choice in the matter...