Fan Fiction Fabulous NORA Crystarium: Final Fantasy XIII

Martel

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Chapter 1: "The next station is..."

The thirteen days after we awoke were the beginning of the end. I like ominous, unexplained dramatic statements, so I think I'll just leave my commentary at that to annoy you, the player. We're getting off to a fantastic start here!

...but it wasn't my fault. Never think I had anything to do with this, because I didn't!

FINAL FANTASY XIII

[A soldier walks into the compartment of the train, eyes glowing like a Jawa's, blaster held poised to shoot any dissidents amongst the ranks...like a Jawa's. He examines the hooded figure's faces, seeing nothing particularly worthy of note, as his built-in head visor is crap and, strangely enough, the hoods obscure the people's faces. The screen
cuts to the train itself, which barrels through the beautiful countryside, into the tunnel. Back to the soldier we go, and two hooded figures, one of which, presumably a male, deciding to speak to another.]

Hooded Man: Hey, don't you think that guy is a little short for a PSICOM trooper?
Hooded Woman: ...you've said that about every single one that has passed us so far. Why don't you go ask him what the average height amongst them is and stop pestering me?

[The screen pans a bit to reveal that the hooded man is, in fact, black. Badass.]

Hooded Man: Y'know, I might just do that...but I didn't buy a ticket, and if he asks to see it, I'll get fined 2000 gil or I'll have to pay double the fare...whichever is greater. Do you know which of the two amounts is greater?
Hooded Woman: No...and I didn't pay the fare either. Crap.

[The train continues its journey through the tunnel, although now a vaguely ominous purple light can now be seen in front. An irritatingly bland female voice announces "The next station is Croydon. Please mind the gap between the platform and the train."

...alright, maybe not. The train passes through a purple energy vortex...thing, and continues its journey, making the viewer wonder precisely what the point in having it there was. As if sensing the viewer's curiosity, the hooded woman leaps into action, backflipping over the PSICOM soldier - much to the poor man's annoyance - and breaking the flashy gizmo that binds the hands of the passengers...which the hooded black man promptly crushes under the sole of his boot. The passengers
are free!

Two more troopers enter at the commotion, firing their guns! In typical henchmen fashion, they miss. Does nobody train their soldiers in basic marksmanship these days? The woman loses her cloak, revealing thunderous thighs, which she uses to pound the soldiers into submission, knocking them out before they get the chance to do anything, even going so far as to gun one of them down. Cold-hearted bitch. Meanwhile, the black man, who also lost his cloak off-screen somewhere along the line, is frisking(?) the passengers.]

Black Man: Hey, kid! You got any spare change? I only need 50 more gil for a ticket!
Random child #1: ...is that a CHOCOBO in your hair?
Black Man: Damn straight.
Random child #1: Can I pet it?
Black Man: Over my dead body.
Random child #1: [starts crying]

[Meanwhile, the cold-hearted bitch is killing more people. She snaps her fingers, and purple lightning energy - remind you of anyone? - sheathes her butch figure, allowing her to defy gravity. A skill she would otherwise lack, because whilst her hair is electric pink, it is rather normal-looking. Odd. In any case, she bats asides more soldiers as though they were little more than fodder, whilst the black man runs through the train: once again, he has done something off-screen, acquiring a gun and some nondescript footsoldiers of his own. He arrives at the pink-haired woman's side.]

Black Man: Nobody on this damned train has any spare change! Can you believe it?!
Pink-haired woman: ...I've killed all the guards.
Black Man: Was there any particular reason for this?
Pink-haired woman: They were all too short.
Black Man: HAH! Knew it.

[The train barrels on, entering a rather pretty, futuristic city. The pink-haired woman looks out the window, as if wondering precisely how she ended up here. Suddenly, gunship dragon things swoop in and fire on the train!]

Pink-haired woman: Give me the rocket launcher.
Black Man: What makes you think I've got one of those?!
Pink-haired woman: Are you kidding me? You're black.
Black Man: ...touche.

[Turns out she's a pretty lousy shot with one. The dragon gunship things blast the track, derailing a train and sending it plummeting over the side. The screen cuts to a bunch of rebels firing guns. Because every game needs a rebellion in it. The soldiers are fighting for control over what looks like a Stargate, which they can use to unleash robots. However, before we get to witness the slaughter the robots are bound to unleash, the screen cuts back to a scorpion-like robot, which has just stopped the train out protagonists are on, and is now proceeding to smash into it.]

Black Man: RUN!

[The pink-haired woman promptly runs out of the train to confront the giant scorpion robot which just battered through the side of a metal train with its tail.]

Black Man: ...your funeral.

[The Black Man climbs out of the wrecked train, only to find the Pink-haired woman staring down the scorpion. She raises her blade, then winks at it seductively...unfortunately, the robot isn't into butch women. If anything, it looks even more pissed off. It raises its tail threateningly, advancing on them with its chainsaw-bladed claws.]

Black Man: Oh great, now you've pissed him off!
Pink-haired woman: I didn't hear YOU complaining when I did the same to you on the train.
Black Man: You were holding a knife to my side!
Pink-haired woman: Details, details. Now, are you going to help me destroy this thing, or shall I do it myself?
Black Man: If I don't help you, will you kill me after you're finished with it?
Pink-haired woman: Yes.
Black Man: What are the odds of it killing you?
Pink-haired woman: Minimal.
Black Man: ...bloody hell.

[The fight begins. Unsurprisingly, our heroes make short work of the BADASS scorpion mech, prompting it to fall back, shaking the train carriage they happen to be standing on.]

Black Man: HAH! Looks like you're all style and no substance!
Pink-haired woman: Pot. Kettle.
Black Man: ...don't say it. Just don't. You're ruining my moment here.

[The scorpion mech fires its emergency booster engines, rocking the train carriage alarmingly.]

Pink-haired woman: Oh, NOW whose pissing him off?
Black Man: I didn't hear YOU complaining when I did the same to you on the train.
Pink-haired woman: Well, I did have a knife sticking in your side at the time.
Black Man: Details, details.

[The train carriage goes belly up as the scorpion mech hauls it off the track. The pink-haired woman displays an impressive and excessive acrobatic ability in getting off the carriage and onto the next one. The black man just runs over and jumps down. Gets the job done just as well.

The fight continues, and they actually blow it up this time. The pink-haired woman feels the need to glance over the edge and make sure its gone, whilst the black man is far more concerned with watching the similar mechs flying in the sky above. At least SOMEONE has their priorities right. Unconcerned, she walks away.]

Black Man: Aren't you supposed to be protecting civilians, SOLDIER? I mean you are Sanctum, aren't you? What are you doing, trying to stop the Purge? Why don't you tell me that?
Pink-haired woman: Because you're annoying.

[She jumps off the carriage, leaving him behind.]

Black Man: ...why do I put up with this? All I wanted was a nice, quiet train ride...I'm getting too old for all this.

[He climbs down, following her, for some irrational reason, and they run along the narrow route. Going to be typing THAT sentence more times before I'm through with this. Eventually, they come across a lone Jawa--I mean, soldier, guarding a single Stargate.]

Black Man: Where do you suppose it leads?
Pink-haired woman: Probably Pulse. It IS Hell without brimstone, after all.
Black Man: What's hell without a little brimstone?
Pink-haired woman: Pulse.
Black Man: Do you have ANY sense of humour?
Pink-haired woman: No. Anyway, they're just domesticated Peacekeepers. Nothing to worry about.
Black Man: I didn't hear you sayin' that five minutes ago when the giant scorpion was tearing up the train...

[The soldier summons two robot dogs through the Stargate, and then disengages the wormhole. Cue another battle, followed by more running along the route, and more battles...before, suddenly, debris strikes the bridge, blasting it apart! This does not appear to bother the pink-haired woman, though: she simply snaps her fingers and uses her 1337 haxX0r skillz...I mean, her lightning powers, to start flying across the gap...before the Black Man grabs her from behind.]

Black Man: Oh no. You ain't ditchin' me! Who the hell do you think I am?!
Pink-haired woman: Let go.
Black Man: Hell to the no!
Pink-haired woman: NOW.

[She punches him loose...but breaks her lightning powers in the process. Way to go. Meanwhile, a new bridge is conveniently being raised directly across from them.]

Black Man: That might get us across.
Pink-haired woman: I could have gotten across just fine.
Black Man: Look, you going to take the bridge with me or not?
Pink-haired woman: ...fine.

[More running and battling! Eventually, they come to a small platform, which they then use to head down to the bridge. Rather than getting out through the small door at the side, they decide to vault over the edge and potentially risk their lives to get onto the bridge. Honestly. In any case, a Mechanical Judge Magister is waiting for them at the end.]

Mechanical Judge Magister #1: Deportees, are we?
Random Soldier #1: What else would they be? They're not in uniform, are they?
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: That was a rhetorical question, moron.
Random Soldier #1: Oh. Right. I knew that.
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: Weapons down. I'd hate for this to get ugly.
Random Soldier #1: [lowers his gun] Me too. That butch woman looks like she could take all three of us without even breaking a sweat...
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: I meant THEM, you moron!
Random Soldier #2: Hey, don't talk to him like that! We DO have rights, y'know.
Random Soldier #1: We do?
Random Soldier #2: Yeah, we do. Didn't you read the employee handbook?
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: How do you know about that?!
Black Man: If you guys are busy, we can always do this later.
Random Soldier #2: Would you mind? This could take a while. That alright with you, boss?
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: Yeah, sure...wait, NO! We're killing them now! We can discuss how you got hold of that accursed document AFTER we've dealt with this.
Random Soldier #1: ...slavedriver.
Pink-haired Woman: ...

[Battle commences. Unsurprisingly, our heroes are victorious...unless you're a really bad player, anyway.]

Random Soldier #1: [panting] I KNEW that butch woman could take us all down without even breaking a sweat...she reminded me a lot of my ex.
Random Soldier #2: Now that you mention it...she IS a lot like your ex. Only more...butch.
Random Soldier #1: Yep.
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: I need a new job...mother wanted me to work in HR, but NO. I just HAVE to go with the field job.
Random Soldier #1: Feel like talking about it, Boss?
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: I suppose I've got nothing better to do...our asses are already fried when the higher-ups find out we lost to a couple of deportees anyway, despite having superior technology and training.
Random Soldier #1: Wait, we had training?
Mechanical Judge Magister #1: [groans]

[Back to our heroes, who are now having a thrilling conversation of their own.]

Black Man: So, soldier. What's your angle?
Pink-haired Woman: ...

[The Black Man realises he isn't about to get any answers anytime soon, and loses interest, playing with a few buttons on some nameless device immediately next to him. Since nothing explodes, he decides to try talking to her again.]

Black Man: You're a right little chatterbox, ain't ya? Bet you never had a boyfriend before--
Pink-haired Woman: The Pulse fal'Cie.
Black Man: You had one of those as a boyfriend? Sister, you got some issues...
Pink-haired Woman: My 'angle'. I'm after the Pulse fal'Cie.

[She walks past him, operating a lever and making the entire bridge collapse and begin to move.]

Pink-haired Woman: Still happy you tagged along?

[The Black Man watches her move past him again, preparing to get off the bridge when it has either finished moving or, in all likelihood, been blasted to pieces.]

Black Man: With this view? Absolutely. Not that I had much of a choice in the matter...
 
CHAPTER 2: Need Original, Relevant Acronym

[Enter a cutscene, in which a voice speaks out over a megaphone, whilst various groups of rebels can be seen fighting soldiers (who, somehow, are actually able to hit their targets, a sure-fire indication that no new main characters are around) on the bridges. None of them seem to be paying attention...]

Mysterious Voice: Attention, Coccoon citizens! My name is irrelevant, but I am here to ask you a very important question: is a man not entitled to the sweat on his brow? "NO!" Say the Pulse fal'Cie. "It belongs to us.", "NO!" say the Sanctum fal'Cie, "It belongs to us.", "NO!" say the Pulse l'Cie, "It belongs to our Masters."I rejected these answers, and chose something different. I chose... the Purge. And, with the sweat on your brow, the Purge can be your salvation, too.

[...or not! The tranmission is suddenly cut-off as a heavyset man crushes a nondescript box with his boot. A blue-haired man comes up to his side.]

Blue-Haired Man: Hey! I was listening to that.
Heavset Man: Yuj. Just for that, you stay here. Heroes don't approve!
Yuj: Sorry. I didn't mean to--
Heavyset Man: These people need Heroes! Show them how fabulous you are!
Yuj: Got it!
Heavyset Man: What's the Hero's motto?
Yuj: "Don't jeopardise, accessorise!"
Heavyset Man: Eh...close enough. Stay fabulous, fellow Hero!

[He leaves the oddly-named Yuj behind, and we get to play as someone else for a change. Hurrah! After a little bit of running past some heavily despondent rebels - and this guy is meant to be the leader of the rebellion, way to encourage your soldiers - we see some more side-characters - a guy with a flaming mohawk, and an effeminate guy with short blond hair, firing their guns, with pinpoint accuracy.]

Effeminate Blonde Guy: Ah, this is crazy!
Flaming Mohawk Man: I pity da fool who tries to take me out!
Effeminate Blonde Guy: Ah, will you STOP starting all your sentences with that? Its creepy.
Flaming Mohawk Man: I pity da fool who tries to stop me!
Effeminate Blonde Guy: Ah, screw you. I'm taking a nap.
Flaming Mohawk Man: I pity da fool who has to save 'em all when we're taking a DIRT nap!
Effeminate Blonde Guy: Ah, wordplay. Very clever.

[The heavset man appears again, dropping down from the rubble behind them.]

Heavyset Man: Cut the chatter, Heroes! Our enemy 's the Cocoon Sanctum! Their dreaded PSICOM, no less.
Black-Haired Woman: What's to dread? PSICOM's nothing but a whole bunch of bluster and bullying.
Effeminate Blonde Guy: Yeah, and they're not the only ones...
Flaming Mohawk Man: I pity da fool that is on the receiving end of YOUR bluster and bullying.
Black-Haired Woman: I like big boats, I cannot lie. So, as I was saying. They've got nothing on NORA.
Flaming Mohawk Man: I pity da fool that tries to take on the heroes!
Heavyset Man: Heroes we are!
All: YEAH!

[They all stand up at this point, rather stupidly exposing themselves to gunfire from the PSICOM soldiers...which, at that point, conveniently stops. Huh, go figure. The screen goes black for a few tense seconds, and we're allowed to do some more running and battling. Turns out Flaming Mohawk Man is called "Gadot" and the Black-Haired Woman is called "Lebreau". Good to know. People don't like using names in this game very much, and we'll never find out otherwise, so let's use their names from now on, shall we? Anyways, after some running...]

Effeminate Blonde Guy: Ah, I quit.
Lebreau: Soldiers, Soldiers everywhere...and not a real man amongst them.
Gadot: I pity da fool that doesn't have a plan.
Heavyset Man: I have a plan! Heroes charge in, guns blazing...with a smile!
Effeminate Blonde Guy: Ah, that's not a plan!
Lebreau: REAL Men don't need plans.

[Sure enough...that is precisely what they do, in the form of more linear running and battling! I'm beginning to sense a pattern here. In any case, after running far enough, The Mighty Morphin NORA Rangers come across a bunch of despondent people in cloaks who look remarkably like scientologists, huddled together on the bridge. Unfortunately for us, they're blocking the way. Cue another mini-cutscene.]

Heavyset Man: Clear the way, pedestrians! Heroes are comin' through!
Lebreau: Real smooth, boss.
Heavyset Man: Relax. Nobody's movin' to Pulse today. Heroes say so.
Random Person #1: No, they've just been killing us instead.
Heavyset Man: Anyways, Heroes will clear a path for you frightened, helpless civilians, so--
Random Person #2: Let me fight with you!
Random Person #3: You can't expect us to just sit here!
Effeminate Blonde Guy: Ah, why not? That seemed to be what you were doing until WE came along.
Heavyset Man: The next person who interrupts the Heroes gets a Hand Grenade where the Sun don't shine.

[An ominous silence descends over the crowd for a few minutes.]

Lebreau: Uh, Boss?
Heavset Man: What do you want, fellow Hero?
Lebreau: You going to say anything else?
Heavyset Man: Well, this Hero hadn't planned to.
Lebreau: Well, then...what do we do about the roadblock?
Effeminate Blonde Guy: Can't we just shoot them and walk over their bullet-ridden bodies?
Gadot: I pity da fool who doesn't think that is a good idea!
Heavyset Man: Eh, why not? We'll take the pedestrians with us that can actually fight, turn them into Heroes, and just kill the rest. Problem solved!
Lebreau: Boss, they're civilians. Like hell any of them will be able to fight!
Heavyset Man: Well then, the Heroes just found themselves some cannon fodder. Alright, volunteers front and center!

[Unsurprisingly, nearly everyone grabs a gun, including a middle-aged woman. This startles the hooded figure next to her.]

Irritating male bystander: Mom?
Middle-aged Woman: How many times have I told you, honey? Don't talk. Not a single word.
Irritating male bystander: But--
Middle-aged Woman: NOT A WORD.

[She walks off, whilst Team NORA attempt to show pedestrians how to handle guns.]

Heavyset Man: For crying out loud, Hero in training! Put the safety on before you go waving that about!
Random Person #2: Sorry...
Random Person #4: Uh, I think I've cut myself on my gun...
Random Person #5: Wow, if you press this thing, the front end flashes!
Random Person #6: Don't you guys have anything in pink? This clashes with my outfit...
Random Person #7: [strikes a pose] Oh yeah, I am totally FABULOUS!
Lebreau: This is possibly the worst idea we've ever had.
Heavyset Man: This Hero believes it was YOUR bad plan.
Lebreau: I was totally against this!
Heavyset Man: No shame in having a bad plan, fellow Hero.
Gadot: I pity da fool who thought this was a good idea.
Random Person #5: [staring down the barrel] Seriously guys, check this out! [presses the trigger]
Effeminate Blonde Guy: Ah, messy.
Heavyset Man: That does it. All of you newbie Heroes! Walk in front of us, point the guns forward, and shoot when you see anything that isn't us.
Lebreau: You're sending these guys in first? That isn't very heroic, boss...
Heavyset Man: You want these rookie Heroes behind us firing their guns?
Lebreau: ...good point.
Middle-aged woman: [picks up a gun] A little light for a weapon...
Heavyset Man: You sure you know what you're doing with that, newbie Hero?
Middle-aged woman: Yeah. Moms are tough.
Heavyset Man: You're a single mother? Alright, the Heroes are sending you in first.
Lebreau: Boss?
Heavyset Man: She's a SINGLE MOTHER. She's had more combat training than all of us put together. They'll all be dead before we Heroes can even blink.

[It turns out there is one gun left. The Heavyset Man (are they EVER going to say his name?) doesn't like having an odd one out...never mind the fact that he isn't carrying a gun himself. He waves it at the terrified crowd.]

Heavyset Man: Last one! Somebody take it and be a Hero!
Irritating Male Bystander: No...I can't. [shuffles away]
Middle-aged woman: Honey. What did I say about talking?
Girl with a high-pitched voice: Here! [spreads her arms]

[Short pause]

Heavyset Man: ...anyone else want to be a Hero? Anyone at all?
Girl with a high-pitched voice: Here!
Heavyset Man: Don't leave me hanging here, potential Heroes...
Girl with a high-pitched voice: Here!
Heavyset Man: ...today is not my day. Alright, take it...Hero.
Girl with a high-pitched voice: Ooooh! Shiny!
Heavyset Man: If push comes to shove, kill 'em all...I mean, keep 'em safe. That's what Heroes do!
Girl with a high-pitched voice: [points the gun at the Heavyset Man] Bang!
Heavyset Man: ...don't do that, newbie Hero. Seriously.

You know, I'm a little bit sick of the writer calling him a "Heavyset Man" so I think I'll give him or her an excuse to type his real name: Snow. My first impression of Snow? I like his second name. It reminds me of mine. His first name is a little silly, though. Why is it all the main characters are obsessed with naming themselves after objects and bad weather? Sazh is the only one of us that has a proper name...wait, forget I said that. But we're Final Fantasy characters, so that's to be expected. Anyway, there was no real reason for me (yes, I am the Girl with a high-pitched voice, who was just given a gun...and soon, I shall kill them all!) to interrupt this cutscene with another utterly pointless narration, so I'll let the writer get back to it. Ciao!

[...that girl loves to talk. Alas. I don't know what we did to deserve such punishment. In any case, back to *ahem* Snow.]

Snow: Alright, do everything the annoying Hero says and you'll be fine.

[At that point, several PSICOM soldiers show up, guns levelled at the hapless people on the bridge.]

Snow: ...oh, fucking hell. Alright, let's go. Heroes meet their deaths in style!
Gadot: I pity da fool that doesn't follow me!
Snow: Come on, single mother. You're with me: this Hero wants to live through this.
Lebreau: Time to go, kiddo [pulls on the arm of the irritating male bystander, who is still cowering on the floor, which is getting wetter around him.]
Irritating Male Bystander: Uh, alright...
Lebreau: What the hell? Is that seriously your voice? I'm tempted to leave you here...
Middle-aged woman: [looks back] Honey, you're doing it again. What did I say?

[The screen goes black, and we're once again in control of Snow...at the edge of an entirely new bridge. How the hell did THAT happen? Oh well, whatever. The point is, we're now allowed to do some more running and battling. Lucky, lucky us. After about ten minutes of this, another cutscene opens, with a PSICOM soldier standing on some rubble.]

Random Soldier #3: Mobilize beta force! Put down the resistance!
Random Soldier #4: Who died and made you Judge Magister?
Random Soldier #3: C'mon, let me have my moment. I'm standing here with my gun raised and everything!
Random Soldier #4: What the hell are you talking about?
Mechanical Judge Magister #2: Both of you, shut up! RELEASE THE SECRET WEAPON!
Random Soldier #4: The Giant Mouse of Minsk?
Mechanical Judge Magister #2: No, the Behemoth!
Random Soldier #4: Boss, that isn't the secret weapon...
Mechanical Judge Magister #2: Fine. RELEASE THE BEHEMOTH!

[A mechanical behemoth that looks exactly like the ones from Final Fantasy X leaps down from a conveniently placed platform somewhere above our heroes, landing in front of them.]

Snow: Heroes don't run from fights!
Lebreau: Is that why our life insurance is so high?
Snow: Heroes don't have life insurance!
Lebreau: We don't?!

[Enter battle. We win. Turns out the Behemoth is only a Beta version, and THIS is why you don't rely on mechanical enemies. That, plus their huge weakness to electric attacks...not that we have any. We DO have grenades, though. Can't go wrong with
those. Immediately after this, we enter another cutscene, during which Gadot and the new rebels (where the hell did they go?) are having a firefight with PSICOM soldiers on the bridge...possibly the ones that were RIGHT BEHIND THEM earlier. In any case, unsurprisingly, Gadot is the only one who is actually able to hit anything. All of a sudden, Snow and the Middle-aged woman appear on the opposite side of the bridge (?) from where they all are. How the hell did they get there?! They just ran
across a bridge, with the single mother and the rebels nowhere in sight. Suddenly they're all back in the same place? I smell a plothole. In any case, a small gunship appears, blasting the crap out of a few of the new rebels.]

Gadot: I pity da fool in trouble!
Snow: Heroes don't rely on pity to get themselves out of trouble!

[Snow runs out from cover (moron) and takes a dive for a rocket launcher that is conveniently lying on the ground, just below the gunship...and misses. Fail. At that point, a large cannon is deployed on the underside of the gunship, preparing to blast him into oblivion (isn't that a tad excessive?) when, out of nowhere, a rocket blasts into the side of the gunship, knocking it out of control. Turns out the single mother walked right in and picked the rocket launcher up. WTF?]

Middle-aged woman: Perhaps Heroes should rely on pity a little more, hmmm?

[She helps Snow to his feet...only to then get hit by the backlash of the laser cannon from the gunship she just knocked off-balance. Said laser blast also decimates the entire bridge. On the opposite bridge (the one we started on?) the girl with the high-pitched voice, who lost her gun somewhere along the line, and the irritating male bystander, are watching the spectacle. Snow gets up to see that the middle-aged woman has shielded him (why?) with her own body and, on the other side of the bridge, people and debris are slowly tumbling into the abyss below, screaming like the damned. Before he can lament on this, his side of the bridge gives out, sending him and the middle-aged woman both tumbling over the edge...but, being a HERO, he grabs the edge, and her hand. Cue classic "Hanging Edge" scene.]

Snow: Heroes should never ask how the day could possibly get any worse.
Middle-aged woman: Make sure he gets home, please...
Snow: Heroes will always accept the last dying wish of a bystander!

[She goes limp/dies, Snow lets go, she falls...somehow her son, the irritating male bystander, sees all this from his prime vantage point on the opposite side of the bridge, where everything appears to be little more than indiscriminate specks. Anything for the sake of the "plot", I suppose. But then, she WAS falling in slow motion. In any case, the bridge gives out entirely, and Snow plummets as well...how will our HERO get out of this predicament?]

Irritating male bystander: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Girl with a high-pitched voice: I thought your mummy told you not to talk? Come on!

[she pulls on his sleeve, but he is unwilling to move. So she slaps him instead. So much for diplomacy.]

Girl with a high-pitched voice: We have to move!
Irritating male bystander: All right...

[They run off.]
 
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Chapter Three: Professional Soldier Institutional Center Of Morons.

[We return now to our other heroes - the scary pink-haired woman and the awesome black man with the afro - who are overlooking the scene, somewhat randomly.]

Black Man: Hey, I can see my house from here! [pause] Those bastards set it on fire! I'll kill every last one of them!
Pink-haired woman: [joins him and peers out over the edge] Which one is your house?
Black Man: The one on fire?
Pink-haired woman: ...there are dozens of houses on fire.
Black Man: That one, right there. [points to a house in the distance]
Pink-haired woman: Oh...well, I can see why.
Black Man: [sigh] It's an out-and-out-massacre. These people won't even live long enough to die on Pulse.
Pink-haired woman: That was the idea.
Black Man: What?
Pink-haired woman: Sanctum logic. They conjured up the Purge to eliminate a threat. I mean- why carry the danger all the way to Pulse? Why not just stamp it out here? Execution masquerading as exile. That's all the Purge ever was.
Black Man: ...you're unusually talkative. Death cheer you up, or something?
Pink-haired woman: ...

[At that point, a miniaturized Gundam drops down randomly out of the sky. Evidently someone thought we needed a battle to break up the Pink-haired woman's little monotonous vent. Cue battle! After the battle, sirens begin to blare, and the roof
opens, unleashing...something. Some kind of fully-armed and operational battle station.]

Mysterious voice: Attention, Purge Deportees! Attention, Purge Deportees! Attention, Purge Deportees! Attention, Purge Deportees. Attention--

[The voice suddenly cuts off mid-transmission, before returning a few seconds later.]

Mysterious voice: ...sorry, technical difficulties. Anyway. Attention, Purge Deportees! Throw down your weapons. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. Should you attempt to flee, the Sanctum will employ every resource necessary to bring you to justice--
Black Man: [snorts] Yeah, because bringing out a green-laser superweapon of death would NEVER be enough to kill a few rebels, would it?
Mysterious voice: --This land is no longer your home. Cease hostilities and surrender at once. Resistance is futile.

[We get a brief scene of Snow climbing up from rubble - because it will take more than a plummet into a seemingly bottomless abyss to stop a HERO like him! He rises without even so much as a scratch, and looks in despair up at the sky.]

Snow: Serah...

[Flashback to the Pink-haired Woman and the Black Man. Are they EVER going to tell us their names? Are we ever going to care enough to find out what they are?]

Black Man: What is THAT?
Pink-haired woman: What does it look like?
Black Man: ...a giant cannon held up by lasers?
Pink-haired woman: Close enough.
Black Man: Just what you were looking for, then.
Pink-haired woman: Yeah. Right in there.
Black Man: The Pulse l'Cie, huh.
Pink-haired woman: You mean Fal'Cie.
Black Man: I know what I meant.
Pink-haired woman: No, you didn't.
Black Man: But you did, so does it really matter?
Pink-haired woman: ...I suppose not.

[Another scene, this time featuring the Irritating Male Bystander - who sheds his cloak, revealing that he is (surprise surprise) a teenager, and one with absolutely nightmarish fashion sense - and the Girl with a high-pitched voice, who are also watching the giant...object float past...although its not exactly hard to miss.]

Random Child #2: Mommy, mommy! Look at that!
Random Person #8: Don't look at it! Honestly, these PSICOM ruffians...there are children around!
Irritating Male Bystander: I don't get it...

[Meanwhile, the Girl with a high-pitched voice sheds her own robe - the sound makes the Irritating Male Bystander turn around...perv. What is revealed is a girl with a shocking amount of clothing on, given her...bubbly personality. She gives him a heart-stopping little smile, then picks up a gun and thrusts it at him.]

Girl with a high-pitched voice: Here!
Irritating Male Bystander: Huh?
Girl with a high-pitched voice: Aww...[gives him a hug] It's too much, isn't it?
Irritating Male Bystander: No, I can handle it...
Girl with a high-pitched voice: Who said I was talking about the gun? Silly boy. Ciao!

[With a smile and a wave, she runs off. Gun still in hand, the Irritating Male Bystander gives chase.]

You said it made you happy when I smiled, didn't you? You dirty little boy!

[Back we go to the giant...uh, thing, which looks more like a green version of Anima from FFX now than it does a giant laser cannon. Seriously, WTF IS that thing? Who came up with such a ridiculously impractical and random design?! Anyway, the Pink-haired woman and the Black Man are standing at the edge of a precipice.]

Black Man: Sooo...how do you figure that Pulse Fal'Cie is different from the Sanctum's?
Pink-haired woman: Its hiding in a giant green cannon thing.
Black Man: Fair point.

[He gets his Chocobo out and smiles fondly at it. Sensitive AND humourous. Plus he has an afro. Who could ask for more?]

Pink-haired woman: Time to jump.
Black Man: You want to commit suicide together now?

[She promptly jumps off the edge of the bridge, plummeting down to the bridge below. Shortly before she hits the ground, she snaps her fingers, summoning her 1337 haxX0r skillz to halt her descent...or not. Previously broken by the Black Man
when she tried to ditch him, the power flickers, then dies out entirely...leaving her plummeting at full speed towards a very hard surface.]

Pink-haired woman: Oh, shi-

[Splat. Game Over.

...fine, I'll stop improvising. (Un)fortunately, it miraculously works again, and she lands lithely on the platform. The Black Man sighs - he was probably hoping she'd splatter across the bridge as well. He puts his Chocobo away, and takes a
deep breath.]

Black Man: Anything she can do, I can do better. After all, she only PRETENDS to be a man. Here we go!

[He tries to climb down, and falls. Way to go. However, he gets stopped inches from the ground by the residue of the pink-haired woman's powers, and is unharmed. Phew. He climbs to his feet, running to catch up with her.]

Black Man: HOLY SHIT! How did you manage that?
Pink-haired woman: Anti-gravity generator.
Black Man: How did you get your hands on that?!
Pink-haired woman: eBay.
Black Man: So, all those crazy stunts you pulled earlier...
Pink-haired woman: Yep.
Black Man: And on the train, when we-
Pink-haired woman: Indeed.
Black Man: WOW. I've gotta get me one of those.

[Scene cuts back to Snow, who is cradling Gadot in his arms...cue yaoi fangirls squealing. Barely an hour into the game and we already have our first same-sex pairing. Fantastic.]

Snow: [slapping his face] C'mon, C'mon, C'mon! One More! Heroes never quit!
Gadot: [groaning] I pity da fool that goes through what I just went through...
Snow: Hmm...we Heroes have a new mission! We must...get someone home!
Gadot: What? I pity da fool who forgets about his woman! Go pick your bride up!
Snow: Yeah...heroes can multitask!

[The bridge the Black Man and Pink-haired woman had been previously standing on blows up above them. Well, it certainly took long enough. The two Heroes acquire some guns, which were lying conveniently on the ground, and set off once more. After not too long, they come across a group of PSICOM soldiers, pacing restlessly...but then, they're in the line of fire of the giant green phallic cannon, as well.]

Random Soldier #2: So I said to her, "Chrissy, I ain't gonna put up with any more abuse." and she left me.
Random Soldier #5: You should have aired your difficulties out, bro. I hear the Primarch has his own chat show for that sort of thing. "Keeps the populace entertained" or so he says.
Random Soldier #6: Oh, you mean the Galenth Dysley Show? Yeah, I've seen that...the missus likes to watch it whilst she irons my uniform.
Random Soldier #5: "Help me, my husband's a Pulse l'Cie!" [laughs]
Random Soldier #2: Knock it off, you jerks! No way I'm appearing on that show...I have an actual career.
Random Soldier #5: Where do you think he FINDS these people, anyway?
Random Soldier #7: Oh, he just picks them up off the street. If they ain't got problems then, they have now.
Random Soldier #2: Speaking of problems...have you noticed that there are two really big blokes lurking behind the rubble?
Random Soldier #6: Yup. Been watching them for the last ten minutes. OI! GET OUT HERE, YOU BLOODY REBELS!

[Muffled cursing from Snow and Gadot's position, and they appear from their hiding place.]

Snow: This is not how heroes are supposed to be captured!
Gadot: I pity da fool who tries to capture me!
Random Soldier #2: Guys, if that big-ass cannon fires, we're ALL screwed. Sit down, have some coffee. We're off duty.
Random Soldier #6: No, we aren't. We're supposed to be killing people, but I can't really be bothered.
Random Soldier #2: They look like they could take us anyway.
Random Soldier #7: Get outta here!
Random Soldier #2: My Commander said the same thing to me, shortly before we got decimated by this butch woman and a black guy with a chocobo in his afro.
Snow: No kidding. Purge not going well for you guys as well, then? We heroes have had out hands full.
Random Soldier #5: Not really, no.
Snow: Well, I've survived a seriously high fall, lost over half my command, and I'm supposed to be rescuing my bride, as heroes do.
Random Soldier #6: Ah, a tale of love and loss. Don't see that very often in this line of work. Well, don't let us stop you.
Random Soldier #7: Yeah, I've had my fill of fighting rebels today. I think we'll just pretend we didn't see you.
Snow: That's real generous of you guys. You have the makings of true heroes!
Random Soldier #2: Well, thats real nice of you to say so!
Gadot: I pity da fool that takes him seriously. He says that to everyone.
Random Soldier #6: ...oh. Well, be off with you, then. We'll just pretend our guns didn't work or something.
Random Soldier #5: Why pretend? For advanced technology, this stuff is remarkably primitive. My grandmother's walking stick packs more of a punch than this.
Snow: Oh, mind if we take one of your rides? Heroes need some transportation!
Random Soldier #2: Feel free. Just be careful: the things stall constantly, you're half as likely to fall to your death.
Random Soldier #6: Or it'll blow up in mid-air. Poor Joey...
Snow: Alright, we'll keep that in mind. Thanks, heroes in training!

[Leaving the PSICOM soldiers behind to their cards and coffee, Snow and his sidekick Gadot grab a couple of hoverbikes and fly off in a seemingly random direction, somehow able to locate their comrades in a huge, ruined city within the space of five seconds. Impressive speed there.]

Snow: The conquering heroes have returned!
Effeminate Blond Guy: Ah, you're back!
Lebreau: How did you survive that fall?!
Snow: Because I'm SNOW VILLIERS, THE HERO.
Yuj: You actually managed to use that thing?
Snow: Yeah. It was a bit awkward, but the soldier's tips were quite useful...at least, it didn't blow up in mid-air.
Lebreau: Don't tell me you played cards with them...
Snow: No! We did have some coffee, though. Coffee is the drink of Heroes!

[Whilst Snow catches up with his lackeys, the Irritating Male Bystander stands by, watching the spectacle with rage etched upon his boyish, somewhat effeminate features.]

Irritating Male Bystander: Thats the one. The one that killed my mother.
Girl with a high-pitched voice: Wasn't she already dead when he let her fall?
Irritating Male Bystander: Sorry, could you say that again? Your voice is too high pitched for me to understand.
Girl with a high-pitched voice: [sighs] Didn't you have something to tell him?
Irritating Male Bystander: Yeah...he owes me a new mother, for breaking my old one!
Girl with a high-pitched voice: All right then!
Irritating Male Bystander: But...I...mummy told me never to talk. Ever.
Girl with a high-pitched voice: You're talking to me, arent you?
Irritating Male Bystander: Well, yeah, but...well...you shouldn't really be talking either.
Girl with a high-pitched voice: Come on! I'll go with you.
Irritating Male Bystander: What?

[The scene cuts again to the giant phallic cannon, which is still glittering with green light...and now some added purple light. It looks like a poorly-made Halloween prop. The scene cuts back to Snow and Co.]

Snow: Have you Heroes kept everyone safe?
Yuj + Effeminate Blond Guy: "Don't jeapordise, accessorise!"
Snow: That is not the motto of Heroes!
Lebreau: [turns away in disgust] Men...
Yuj: They're all accounted for.
Snow: Okay. With all the random civilians accounted for, it is time for the Hero to make his way to the Castle and save the Princess!
Effeminate Blonde Guy: Ah, boss, I don't think that thing is a castle.
Lebreau: What happens if your Princess is in another castle?
Snow: The Hero will find a way to overcome the odds! The Vestige awaits!
Lebreau: ...that's real encouraging.
Snow: Alright, I'm off! Fellow heroes, keep the kids safe for me!
Gadot: I pity da fool who goes skirt chasing whilst I take care of the kids!
Snow: The Hero does NOT skirt chase! She's eighteen!
Lebreau: Of course she is, Snow. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Effeminate Blonde Guy: I imagine she does.
Yuj: You'd better invite us to the wedding...assuming you're not thrown in jail.

[With a final wave of farewell, Snow launches his hoverbike into the air, and heads off in the direction of the phallic green cannon of DOOM...which happens to be called the Vestige. Like that is any better. In the meantime, the Irritating Male Bystander is true to his name, as he watches him leave. Looks like he'll have to wait for his new mother...

So, as Snow flies off into the distance, and the Vestige hangs ominously over the city like a giant phallus about to unleash its barrage of death upon the hapless people below, we take control of the Irritating Male Bystander, who still has not seen fit to reveal his name. Accompanying him is the Girl with a high-pitched voice. This is truly the party from hell.

...however, Gadot's hoverbike is free. Enter *another* cutscene.]

Girl with a high-pitched voice: [Examining the bike] Hmm...this looks kinda like something out of Star Wars...oh! [she notices the Irritating Male Bystander, who is standing right next to her] Did you want something?
Irritating Male Bystander: I want to tell him, it's just that- [he grabs her arm]
Girl with a high-pitched voice: Say...do you know how to fly this?
Irritating Male Bystander: Yeah...I think so.
Girl with a high-pitched voice: Oh? Really? How would a twelve year-old boy-
Irritating Male Bystander: Fourteen.
Girl with a high-pitched voice: Whatever. How would YOU know how to pilot a piece of advanced technology only PSICOM soldiers have access to?
Irritating Male Bystander: ...
Girl with a high-pitched voice: Oh! Its a convenient way to advance the plot!Alright! In you go!

[She shoves the Irritating Male Bystander into the driver's seat, and then clambers in behind him, bouncing up and down like she's either a) Tigger, or b) very high on sugar. He is understandably distraught by all this...who wouldn't be? She points in the direction of the Vestige, and then encircles her arms around his waist. Could this possibly get any worse?]

Irritating Male Bystander: No, no...if we go in there, that thing could make us l'Cie!

[...well, that answers that.]

Irritating Male Bystander: I don't think I can do it...
Girl with a high-pitched voice: Yes you can!
Gadot: I PITY DA FOOL WHO TRIES TO STEAL MY RIDE! [charges towards them like a mad bull]
Irritating Male Bystander: Crap! Here we go!

[He activates the hoverbike and together, the two blast off towards the Vestige...in an erratic, rather dangerous flight pattern. This isn't going to end well...let's hope.]
 
Chapter 4: Should have asked for directions...

The Pulse Fal'Cie. It was the next plot point for us to uncover. After all, no doubt everyone was getting rather bored of the Purge by this point.

[Screen goes black, and the Irritating Male Bystander and Girl with a high-pitched voice can be heard crying out in panic, shortly before the sound of something - no doubt the hoverbike - crashing. Hope fills us all that the two have perished, and never again will we be forced to endure the sounds of their aggravating voices. Two of the most irritating characters in all of existence, meeting their already overdue demise by piloting technology they should in no way know how to use.

However, that is not the case, as the two are revealed to be, in fact, very much alive. Oh. How wonderful.]

Girl with a high-pitched voice: Wow, that was close...thank god for off-screen invulnerability. Now, then...

[She looks around. The scene is a nondescript metallic chamber. Evidently PSICOM have never heard of "Security" either.]

Girl with a high-pitched voice: Guess its just us...
Irritating Male Bystander: What did you expect?
Girl with a high-pitched voice: Oh, I don't know...soldiers, monsters, some form of security.
Irritating Male Bystander: Even soldiers know not to go near the fal'Cie.
Girl with a high-pitched voice: We're miles away from the fal'Cie!
Irritating Male Bystander: You become a Pulse l'Cie, and you're finished.
Girl with a high-pitched voice: What do you mean "finished"? You're starting to sound like you've been dubbed by 4kids!
Irritating Male Bystander: But you don't stand a ghost of a-
Girl with a high-pitched voice: STOP! Don't finish that sentence!
Irritating Male Bystander: Will you STOP saying things that make absolutely no sense?
Girl with a high-pitched voice: The readers will know what I'm talking about.
Irritating Male Bystander: [sigh] Forget it. Haven't you heard about the fal'Cie, miss?
Girl with a high-pitched voice: Vanille!
Irritating Male Bystander: Huh?
Vanille: My name. I'm tired of being referred to as the "Girl with a high-pitched voice". It isn't THAT high-pitched. What's your name?
Irritating Male Bystander: [sighs] Hope.

[Vanille helps Hope to his feet, brushing his dust-free form down. Cue shrieking fans, and dozens of disturbing fanfics up on ff.net.]

Hope: Thank you. [sighs again] What were we thinking?
Vanille: Well, since we're here, and there's nobody around...you wanna make out?
Hope: What?!
Vanille: There's nobody around, and its not like the fans aren't shipping us together already...how about it?
Hope: Uh, well...
Vanille: On second thought...maybe not. I AM 515 years older than you, after all...
Hope: ...what?
Vanille: Oh, crap! I just spoiled a major plot point! Heeeey! I know! Let's look around! Lots of things to look at! Doesn't looking around sound like a good idea? I just love looking around!
Hope: ...

[So, we are now exploring the Pulse fal'Cie, Lower World Vestige! A rather creepy little vocal theme plays as the title comes up - its about time we had some proper music - and, rather than actually letting us explore, we're treated to ANOTHER cutscene!]

Vanille: Hey! Check this out!

[Vanille climbs up a ledge and starts shoving on a giant glowing rock]

Hope: Oh my God! A giant rock!
Vanille: Not just ANY old giant rock! This one is glowing!
Hope: Woooooow. I am SO glad we came here now.

[Vanille fumbles with something behind the giant glowing rock, which turns out to be...a giant stick. With two prongs. She happily shows it off, twirling it around and striking poses. Heaven help us all. In any case, whilst she is posing for her new boytoy, a mechanical dog (so, they DO have security in this place after all!) hears her making a racket, and jumps down from its resting place, snarling in anger as it readies to attack them. A boomerang magically appears in Hope's hand, and the battle begins! Turns out the two weakest, most irritating characters in the game are the most powerful magic users. Well, this IS a JRPG, so I suppose it shouldn't come as that big of a shock. In any case, the poor dog doesn't stand much of a chance...easy win.]

Vanille: I feel the need to sing a victory song...eh, maybe later. OK! Back to exploring!

[And now we're given control of Vanille, who runs like Yuna from FFX-2. Just what was needed to complement the otherwise creepy atmosphere this place had going. So, are we ready to get back to our linear exploring and random battling? Totally!
After a little of this - plus some classic platformer jumping - Hope decides to strike up another conversation.]

Hope: Aren't you scared?
Vanille: Uh...not so much.
Hope: You really don't get it...
Vanille: Pulse fal'Cie and l'Cie are bad news. That's why Cocoon kicked them out. Live too close to the fal'Cie? One-way ticket to Pulse! That's the background of this game in a nutshell. I don't think anyone gets it!
Hope: If they catch us here, they'll Purge us too. And then-
Vanille: What's your problem?
Hope: What's my-?
Vanille: Oh, of course. You're a teenager. Silly me!
Hope: Pulse is hell on earth!
Vanille: Hmm...[gives Hope another hug] Don't worry! Be happy!
Hope: Get off me...
Vanille: Don't worry, be happy! Come on, sing along!
Hope: ...
Snow: SERAH! CAN YOU HEAR ME? WHERE ARE YOU?
Vanille: Well, if she CAN'T hear him, she's deaf...

[The scene fades upwards, and we now see Snow, by himself, searching for someone. Probably Serah. It might be - he was calling out for her very quietly, so it was difficult to make the name out. The screen zooms out, revealing he's right in
the middle of a labyrinth similar to the final dungeon in Tales of Vesperia. Lots of pointless stairways. The camera zooms back to Snow, who looks utterly despondant.]

Snow: Don't worry, Serah. Your hero is on his way!

[Deciding to give the player a hint - this is a big place, after all, and you could wander in a straight line forever - we suddenly zoom in on an inanimate carbon rod, held in place by a metal bracket of some kind. Snow seems intrigued.]

Snow: A Hero needs to use anything and everything to his advantage! I wonder what advantage it would give...

[Sure enough, we now gain control of Snow, who must navigate the treacherous linear route to reach the inanimate carbon rod, which is even indicated by a massive yellow circle on the mini map! I think the developers are trying to tell us something. I can't quite imagine what it would be, though. Sure enough, once Snow reaches it and taps a button that can't even be seen on screen, the carbon rod glows a bright orange, and somewhere else a series of carbon rods activate, activating even more machinery. The point is: Snow can advance to wherever it is he's going now. Hurray!

Now bored of Snow, we witness the Black Man and the Pink-haired woman aboard some sort of transport (how the hell did THAT happen?), the former sitting down, looking thoroughly depressed, the latter likely the cause of this, as she bangs her puny blade repeatedly on the door, despite the fact that any idiot can see its having no effect whatsoever, and all she is doing is creating unnecessary noise.]

Black Man: Still won't budge?

[The screen pans, to reveal the door has a glowing red glyph on it. That usually means its impervious to any form of physical attacks. Which begs the question: WHY IS SHE HITTING IT WITH A SWORD?!]

Black Man: I think the door is winning.
Pink-haired woman: Why didn't I listen?
Black Man: Because you're a stubborn, cold-hearted bitch with no sense of humour?
Pink-haired woman: This was my fault.
Black Man: I don't know how we got here, but I'm willing to go along with that.
Pink-haired woman: Cover your ears.
Black Man: I've been wanting to do that ever since I met you.

[Short pause]

Black Man: ...you're gonna blow the door up?!

[The Black Man shuffles away, throwing himself to the floor. Instead, the Pink-haired woman walks up to the door, caressing it with one hand. What is it with her and flirting with inanimate objects?]

Pink-haired woman: I'm so sorry. Please, let me in. Please?

[In any case, the door mysteriously opens. The Black Man, who had been expecting a loud explosion, is somewhat surprised.]

Black Man: What the- hey! Did you just apologise to the door?
Pink-haired woman: No.
Black Man: You did! You just didn't want me to see you doing something so feminine! Manners go a long way, y'know.

[The door lets them enter, conveniently, the Pulse Vestige! Although it doesn't answer the question of how they got up there in the first place. As the door closes behind them, we gain control of the Pink-haired woman yet again and, after a little more linear running and battling (although it is worth mentioning that the areas have moved from walkways to chambers, so you can explore the confines of the chamber) another cutscene begins]

Black Man: If those things are still around, there are probably some soldiers trapped in here too. Except they'd probably be l'Cie by now. Just Pulse l'Cie. Enemies of Cocoon. Can't show 'em any mercy.
Pink-haired woman: ...
Black Man: ...back to your usual cheery self, then.

[After that somewhat pointless interlude, we go back to Snow, who is still exploring his area of the Vestige. They're all taking their sweet time in meeting up. In any case, Snow activates yet another carbon rod, causing a platform to come down
from the upper levels. This is starting more and more to feel like something out of a Zelda game. Perhaps he'll find a device that lets him control them from a distance in one of the random floating spherical treasure chests scattered across the maps soon? In any case, Snow leaps onto the platform, Mario style. Down it goes...and down we go, back to Hope and Vanille.]

Snow: Hang on, baby! Your hero's on the way!
Vanille: Does he HAVE to talk so loudly?

[Some stairs conveniently rise up in front of them, allowing them to access the next level.]

Hope: He IS here.
Vanille: Yes, I think we'd established that...I think half of Cocoon knows he's here...
Hope: Calling himself a hero...
Vanille: He's coming our way!
Hope: What should I do?
Vanille: Tell him what you need to!
Hope: But nothing I say will change what happened.
Vanille: Well, we COULD just run away.
Hope: We could?
Vanille: Well, not really. The path only goes in one direction.
Hope: ...

[Sure enough, rather than running away, Vanille and Hope have no choice but to run forward, as the path only goes in one direction. Said path is also littered with random monsters to kill. Where on earth are these things coming from, anyway? In any case, after running around a bit, fighting some Cubeez with luminescent hula-hoops and some standard-issue metallic dogs, and entering a new area, the music takes a decidedly more ominous tone as our protagonists enter the main chamber...]

Hope: Whoa.

[A terrifying roar sounds, and we see several shivering corpse-like creatures emerge from behind a magic laser barrier, encircling our heroes and shambling up the steps. Uh-oh.]

Hope: What are they?
Vanille: HOLY SHIT! REGENERATORS!
Hope: What?
Vanille: This is what happens - when l'Cie don't complete the Focus the fal'Cie gave them.
Hope: I thought they were called Cie'th?
Vanille: If you knew that, then why did you ask?
Hope: Well, how did you know how they came into existence?
Vanille: This really isn't the time for questions! We need to run!
Hope: Why? Can't we just blast them?
Vanille: The only way to kill them is to shoot three weak points in their bodies that can only be seen with an infra-red scope! Or blast them with a rocket launcher. Do you have a rocket launcher?
Hope: Do I look black to you?
Vanille: Nope. Time to run!
Hope: Too late!

[Whilst they were nattering, the Regenerators -sorry, I mean, the Cie'th - he encircled them. They came from two routes, and there was a third on the map they could have taken easily, given how slowly these things move. Way to go, you two. In
any case, just as all looks lost, Snow barrells in to save the day!]

Snow: The hero arrives to save the day! Let's get it on!

[Enter a battle...with a different battle theme! VARIETY! Also, its worth noting here that, despite naming them as Cie'th about three seconds ago, the battle screen lists their names as "Ghoul A" and "Ghoul B" etc. Make up your minds. In any case, easy battle is easy. Despite the fact that there were considerably more than three of the things, they're all gone after the battle. Where did the others go? Let's just say a Wizard did it and move on to the next exciting, emotionally charged cutscene!]

Snow: How did you get in here? You've gotta leave. This place is for Heroes only!
Vanille: ...how?
Snow: What? This Hero doesn't understand the question?
Vanille: How do you expect us to get out of here?
Snow: [pause] Okay, listen. Find someplace to hide and keep quiet. Once I find Serah, we'll all leave together, as Heroes!
Vanille: This place is crawling with monsters, and the path only goes in one direction. There isn't anywhere to hide, and I don't think Hope here is capable of keeping quiet.
Hope: Hey!
Vanille: See what I mean?
Snow: Relax. You'll be home in time for dinner! Heroes always are!

[Snow goes to run off. I can't say I blame him - I'd want to ditch the two most irritating characters in the game as fast as possible as well. However, Vanille stops him.]

Vanille: Wait! Who's Serah?
Snow: My wife. Future wife, that is. First I have to become a True Hero and rescue her! She's a Pulse l'Cie. She's here somewhere, along with that fal'Cie.
Vanille: So you're going to go charging in there, fight the Last Boss, and rescue her, all by yourself?
Snow: Something like that, yeah. Then I'll be a True Hero!
Vanille: Well, this game doesn't have a level-up system, and you can keep trying a battle again as many times as it takes if you lose, so you might actually stand a chance! Good luck!
Hope: What's wrong with you?! Why do you want to help a l'Cie? They're the enemy! How can you save a l'Cie, and not...
...and not...
Vanille: Oh dear, his voice actor ran out of breath, putting on that adolescent voice. Must be tiring!
Hope: That's insane!
Snow: Probably. But all Heroes are insane! I gotta do something, right? I'll be back!
Vanille: Hey! He thinks he's the Terminator!

[Snow runs off, with considerably haste.]

Vanille: Oh, bother. Should we wait around for him and hitch a ride? The enemies won't respawn if we don't move!
Hope: [falls to his knees and pounds the floor] I'd rather go to Pulse!
Vanille: Don't you throw a tantrum with me, or I'll put you over my knee and smack your behind!
Hope: Why is this happened to me? When they found the fal'Cie the other day, we were just visiting Bodhum...
Vanille: [sigh] This really isn't the place for you to be going emo. Can this wait until later? When we've split up and you're with Lightning? [covers her mouth] Damnit, I did it again!
Hope: But the army took us. Threw us on that train...
Vanille: ...and he's not listening to a word I say. He's monologuing. Fantastic. If you start having a flashback as well, I'm ditching you.
Hope: And because of that guy, Mom is-

[The scene cuts to Snow, who pauses, turning around to look back. He scratches his head, looking very sheepish.]

Snow: Come to think of it...Heroes don't leave helpless civilians alone.

[Back to Hope, who is still on the floor.]

Hope: And he wants to help a l'Cie?
Vanille: If you're looking up my skirt from down there, you'd better say your prayers, mister.
Snow: The Hero has returned!
Vanille: Hey! Do you think you could do something about him? He's gone into Emo Teenager Mode...
Snow: Whoh, now. Some things are impossible, even for Heroes.
Vanille: [sigh] Some hero you are...[she kneels down, grabbing Hope's hands] Come on, let's go! You've gotta talk to him, Hope. If you don't take this chance, you'll regret it forever...and I'll ditch you.
Hope: Okay.
Vanille: Okay!

[Vanille helps Hope to his feet.]

Snow: Let's go, fellow Heroes!

[The screen goes black, and we return to the Pink-haired woman and the Black Man, walking along...shock horror...a linear route. Wow! We haven't seen THAT before! Full of surprises, this game.]

Black Man: What's wrong with you, soldier? I thought you came for a fight. Its been five seconds and you haven't killed anything!
Pink-haired Woman: You'd better hope it stays that way until I see something else I want to kill..
Black Man: Well, excuuuuuuuse me, Princess.
Pink-haired woman: My sister...
Black Man: Your sister?
Pink-haired woman: She's a l'Cie.
Black Man: Well, that came outta nowhere. A Pulse l'Cie?
Pink-haired woman: The fal'Cie has her captive...but I'll find her.
Black Man: Well, well. Looks like you do have a soft side, after all. I'll be damned. What was her Focus? What did the fal'Cie order her to do? It wasn't "blow up Cocoon!" or anything like that, was it?
Pink-haired woman: Probably not. Even the fal'Cie have realistic expectations of their l'Cie. My sister would blow up Pulse AND Cocoon if she was given a Focus like that.
Black Man: What makes you say that?
Pink-haired woman: She's jailbait.
Black Man: [backs away] Whoah, whoah, WHOAH!
Pink-haired woman: You asked.

[Both gasp, alarmed, as another door with a red symbol opens for them. Some Cie'th can be seen shivering just beyond.]

Black Man: Listen to me. When a person gets cursed by a fal'Cie, they become a l'Cie. Then they get given a Focus, right?
Pink-haired woman: We've already established that.
Black Man: How do I put this? If they don't carry it out, l'Cie end up as one of those things
Pink-haired woman: We'd already established that, as well.
Black Man: What I'm saying is if your sister's gone that far, she ain't jailbait no more. I mean-!
Pink-haired woman: [sighs]
Black Man: There's no way to turn a l'Cie back into a human. Even if she completes her Focus, she'll spend the rest of her life as a fal'Cie slave. Don't make her suffer.
Pink-haired woman: I'M not the one who turned her into a l'Cie! Just say it! Any l'Cie - anyone who might ever become a l'Cie should be wiped off the face of Cocoon. It's people like you that started the Purge in the first place.
Black Man: I was never a soldier.
Pink-haired woman: ...
Black Man: ...ah, back to the sexually tense silence we go. Wonderful.

[And once again, we're given control of the Pink-haired woman and the Black Man. A quiet, rather annoying vaguely Australian piece that makes you think kangaroos are about to ambush you (well, they'd be more threatening than the suprisingly easy to kill Cie'th) plays in the background, and its time for some more running and battling--uh, I mean, gameplay. Uh-huh. After running a gauntlet filled with Cie'th, ending with two MEGA Cie'th, the Black Man and the Pink-haired Woman find a random little girl in a white shit and a disgusting red-check miniskirt lying on the floor. I wonder who this
could be?]

Pink-haired Woman: Serah!

[Shock horror! As they approach her, Serah turns into a rat and leaps away, cackling. The pink-haired woman pounds the floor in frustration...and then notices the REAL Serah, lying a few feet away from the rat. She picks her limp, very dead-looking form up.]

Pink-haired Woman: Time to go. We need to get out of her before the army show up-
Black Man: The army don't even know we're here and, even if they did, I doubt they'd care. Also, that's a Pulse brand.
Pink-haired Woman: You're lucky I've got my hands full right now, pervert.
Black Man: Its on her ARM! Anyway, the main point is that that girl is a l'Cie.
Pink-haired Woman: I already told you that!
Black Man: Pulse l'Cie are the enemies of Cocoon.
Pink-haired Woman: Who cares? Its not like Cocoon has done anything for us recently.
Black Man: Listen, if she fails her Focus, you know how that'll end.
Pink-haired Woman: So, killing her is a mercy?
Serah: [wakes up] You're talking too loudly...I was sleeping.

[At that point, Snow, Vanille and Hope conveniently appear from above on a platform. What are the odds, eh?]

Snow: SERAH! Your HERO has arrived, and- he's been beaten to the rescue!

[Snow leaps dramatically off the platform seconds before it touches the ground - honestly, could he not just wait? - and rushes to Serah's side, taking her hand.]

Serah: Is that...my Hero?
Snow: You didn't hear my Heroic voice?
Pink-haired Woman: I think half of Pulse heard you...

[The Pink-haired woman is getting angrier by the second, as Vanille and Hope sidle up behind Snow, completely forgotten. Oh, if only. Hope looks somewhat nonplussed. Vanille looks worried...but then, the death glare on the Pink-haired Woman's butch
face would be enough to stop an Adamantoise in its tracks...unfortunately, she's dealing with Snow.]

Snow: Its time for the Hero to take you home!
Pink-haired Woman: Hands off. I'm taking her home. Also, who the hell are you?
Snow: Sis, this Hero-
Pink-haired Woman: I am NOT your sister! You couldn't protect her.
Snow: Oh, and like you did a better job than the Hero, big sister.
Pink-haired Woman: It's your fault she-
Serah: You can save us. Protect us all.
Pink-haird Woman: Oh, wonderful. Now look what you did! She's lost her mind as well.
Serah: Save...Cocoon.
Pink-haired Woman: Save Cocoon? Serah? That was your Focus?
Black Man: Well, isn't THAT an unexpected twist. We gonna kill her and ditch this place, or what?
Snow: This Hero will do anything! I'll protect Cocoon, I'll save everyone!
Pink-haired Woman: [looks at Snow as though he's insane] I'll make things right...somehow.
Snow: That wasn't a very Heroic level of commitment.
Pink-haired Woman: Shut up.
Serah: Kthanxbai.

[Serah closes her eyes, and begins to rise up into the air, glowing a magical blue. A single tear leaks from her eye as she turns into the Cascade Badge from Cerulean City Gym, which Snow promptly catches. Six more, and he'll be able to challenge
the Pokemon League!]

Snow: Serah! SERAH!
Black Man: She's turning to crystal, man! She can't hear you!
Snow: SERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Vanille: Why is she turning to crystal?
Hope: L'Cie who fulfill their Focus are transformed into crystal and gain eternal life.
Vanille: Wait, how did YOU know that?
Hope: Mom never used to let me go out and play with the other kids, so I spent a lot of time reading.
Vanille: Oh. You're just full of convenient explanations for events, aren't you?
Hope: ...
Snow: Serah...your Hero wishes you sweet dreams.
Pink-haired Woman: Sweet dreams?! She's not sleeping, you moron! She's-

[The Pink-haired Woman is getting unusually emotional as she stares down at Serah's crystal form...which somehow expanded to include a chair/bed support thing. Must be comfortable.]

Snow: The Hero's Princess can't die! She's alive!
Pink-haired Woman: No!
Snow: The legend! Remember the Hero's legend! "Long ago, these existed a kingdom where a golden power lay hidden. It was a prosperous land blessed with green forests, tall mountains, and peace. But one day a man of great evil found the golden power and took it for himself..."
Pink-haired Woman: ...is this going anywhere?
Snow: Don't rush me! "With its strength at his command, he spread darkness across the kingdom. But then, when all hope had died, and the hour of doom seemed at hand...a young boy clothed in green appeared as if from nowhere. Wielding the blade of evil's bane, he sealed the dark one away and gave the land light. This boy, who traveled through time to save the land, was known as the Hero of Time. The boy's tale was passed down through generations until it became legend.."
Pink-haired Woman: How nice for him.
Hope: Shh! I like this one!
Snow: "...but then...a day came when a fell wind began to blow across the kingdom. The great evil that all thought had been forever sealed away by the hero once again crept forth from the depths of the earth, eager to resume its dark designs. The
people believed that the Hero of Time would again come to save them...but the hero did not appear. Faced by an onslaught of evil, the people could do nothing but appeal to the gods. In their last hour, as soom drew nigh, they left their future in the hands of fate."
Hope: [gasps] Oh, no!
Pink-haired Woman: ...
Snow: "What became of that kingdom? None remain who know. The memory of the kingdom vanished, but its legend survived on the wind's breath. On a certain island, it became customary to garb boys in green when they came of age. Clothed in the green of fields, they aspired to find heroic blades and cast down evil. The elders wished only for the youths to know courage like the hero of legend..."

[A long, tense pause descends across the sign, during which the Black Man combs his afro using Serah's crystal form as a mirror. Because getting chased by PSICOM soldiers and fighting ferocious monsters doesn't do wonders for your hair. Finally,
after an age, the Pink-haired Woman FINALLY breaks the silence.]

Pink-haired Woman: ...so, was that it?
Snow: The Legend of the Hero? Yep, that was it.
Pink-haired Woman: I see...what the hell did that have to do with our current situation?!
Vanille: I think I can explain this one. He thinks he is the Hero of Time reborn, and that if he travels across the land, gathering seemingly worthless artifacts, he can gain the Golden Power and use it to save his Princess and defeat the evil of the fal'Cie! Am I right?
Snow: Indeed! I am the Hero of Time reborn, and there is nothing to fear!
Pink-haired Woman: ...then, why isn't he wearing green? The only one who is close to coming of age and wearing green is that
kid there. [points at Hope]
Hope: ...ME?!
Black Man, Vanille, Snow: HIM?!
Pink-haired Woman: Sure, why not. He's closer to my sister's actual age than this moron is.
Snow: The Hero does not sleep with minors! She's eighteen!
Pink-haired Woman: She told you this?
Snow: She did.
Pink-haired Woman: And you believed her?!
Snow: Serah is the Hero's bride to be! I promised to be hers forever! I don't care how many years I have to wait-
Vanille: OK, this is far too Disney, even for me. If you start singing, I am outta here.

[At this point, the Pink-haired woman snaps. Insert obligatory "FALCON PUNCH!" reference as she lays the smack-down on Snow. HELL TO THE YES.]

Pink-haired Woman: It's over!
Vanille: FINISH HIM!

[Everyone stares at her.]

Vanille: ...oh yeah, like I was the only one thinking it!
Pink-haired Woman: Open your eyes and face reality! She's dead, she was far too young for you, and YOU ARE NOT A HERO!

Serah...does becoming a l'Cie really mean losing everything? I know you can't hear me and all, and this is a really serious, dramatic scene, but as the game's narrator, I thought I'd take this impromptu moment to ask. In the original version of this
script, I didn't have any lines until this point, and I thought everyone had forgotten about me...

[At this point, the ground begins to shake. Everyone is understandably panicked by this. The screen fades to black, and we see some more dragon robot things flying around outside]

Static Radio Voice #1: The target is almost in place. Surface team, what is your status?
Static Radio Voice #2: Good to go. Resistance is under control. The assault proceeds as planned.
Static Radio Voice #1: ...is that you, John? Its been forever!
Static Radio Voice #2: Rick, you sly dog! I thought you'd died in the last Purge!
Static Radio Voice #1: Well, there is a funny story behind that, actually...
Static Radio Voice #2: Really? You have GOT to tell me about it sometime! Say, in our usual bar, when work is over?
Static Radio Voice #1: Absolutely! Say, are you still with Katherine?
Static Radio Voice #2: Uh, sort of...I'm seeing another girl called Catherine at the same time.
Static Radio Voice #1: You crafty devil!
Static Radio Voice #2: [snorts] You wouldn't be saying that if you were having MY nightmares...
Static Radio Voice #3: Guys, please. We have a job to do. Banter on your own time.
Static Radio Voice #1+2: Oh, right. Sorry boss.
Static Radio Voice #3: Idiots...leave no trace. The Pulse Vestige never existed.

[We get a close-up shot of the Pulse Vestige, in all its pointy, green laser glory. PSICOM soldiers shine spotlights on it, making it look even more like a thinner version of that Buddha-thing that was playing the drums and acting as the stage at Yuna's opening concert in Final Fantasy X-2]

Random Soldier #8: General! Pulse Vestige approaching!
Mechanical Judge Magister #3: What do you mean, "Pulse Vestige approaching"? OPEN FIRE!

[Grappling hooks shoot out from the cannons on either side of him, burrowing into the Pulse Vestige.]

Mechanical Judge Magister #3: ALL WEAPONS!

[The camera zooms out as multiple grappling hooks from multiple directions are fired, each one finding purchase on the structure. We go back inside the Pulse Vestige to see that our heroes are not faring particularly well in the face of such an onslaught, and that the Pink-haired Woman and Snow are more concerned with protecting Serah than they are themselves...despite the fact that she's made of crystal and cannot die.]

Vanille: What's happening?!
Black Man: Must be a Sanctum strike. Bring down the Vestige and the fal'Cie with it.
Vanille: Aren't they taking it back to Pulse?
Black Man: Does it look like it?
Hope: We can't stay here! They'll kill us!
Vanille: That is no way for the Hero of Time to behave!
Snow: I'M the Hero of Time!

[Suddenly, the shaking stops, and a previously locked door conveniently opens. Snow heads towards it.]

Black Man: Trench Coat. Where you going?
Snow: This Hero has a date with the fal'Cie.
Pink-haired Woman: Oh, so you're cheating on my sister now? Not good enough for you anymore now that she's encased in crystal, is that it?
Snow: I thought you didn't want the Hero anywhere near your sister!

[The Pink-haired Woman moves past him, saying nothing.]

Snow: Lightning?
Black Man: [sighs] Oh sure, HE knows her name.
Vanille: I'm surprised its taken this long for it to come out...
Black Man: What?
Vanille: Oh, nothing...
 
Chapter 5: A fal'Cie, a flashback, and a frozen lake

[Somehow, the floor (and the rest of the scenery) behind our heroes has vanished, leaving them only one way to go...through a small army of Cie'th, and some weird flying things that look like black versions of the Mobile Type 8 boss from Final Fantasy VIII, only with a black skin, up the stairs and through the glittering, Resident-Evil style corridor...our heroes
enter the chamber of the fal'Cie. FINALLY. Its only taken four chapters of fanfic and two chapters of "gameplay" to reach this point. Now, on to the main event!]

Hope: So...this is the fal'Cie...

[We get a nice view of some more random machinery, as well as a plaque with some text on it that reads "JENOVA"]

Snow: The Hero demands you restore his princess to her true form!

[Silence. None of the cast seem to realise that they're appealing to some inanimate machinery yet...]

Lightning: Like this thing gives a damn about what we want.

[She draws her sword, runs up to it, and starts hacking away at it. This has about as much effect as it did on the door she tried to beat down in the same fashion earlier. Perhaps if she shelves her butchly pride and asks it nicely?]

Lightning: Serah told us to save Cocoon, and that means this thing needs to die!
Black Man: Awww no, she's in "EVERYTHING MUST DIE!" mode!
Snow: This hero doesn't like the sound of that...

[Suddenly, the floor beneath them begins to glow. Ancient gears spring to live, and archaic gear-pillars rise up! The chamber opens, revealing...a big purple tentacle monster! A mechanical Ultros? Hope freaks out and runs away, then stops...he probably realised that the path disappears as soon as he turns his back, and he finds himself with nowhere to run to. Or it
may have something to do with the barrier Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros (?) raises to stop them escaping.]

Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros?: Strangers, from the outside! Ooooooooooooh!
Lightning: FINALLY. Something to kill!
Black Man: You really think you can kill a fal'Cie?
Lightning: Yep.
Black Man: ...be my guest. Just try not to splatter on me.
Snow: This Hero agrees with the Afro Dude. Bloodstains are hard to wash out.
Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros?: Wait, kill? Why are you trying to kill me?! What did I ever do to you?!
Lightning: You turned my sister into a l'Cie!
Black Man: You turned my little boy into a l'Cie!
Snow: You kidnapped the hero's princess!
Hope: Y-You just made me soil myself!
Vanille: One of your tentacles is crawling up my skirt right now! [slaps the offending appendage away]
Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros?: I only wanted someone to talk to...YOU spend eternity in a Vestige shaped like a giant green phallus and you tell me you don't get lonely for company every now and then! THIS is the only entertainment I've had for the last five centuries!

[A bunch of TV screens randomly turn on, all with the same random symbol on them.]

Black Man: ...wow. That IS harsh.
Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros?: Nineteen high-defition widescreen TVs, and only one damn channel! AND the screen keeps tearing!
Vanille: Are you sure they're HDTVs, then? HDTVs don't screen tear.
Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros?: They'd better be, or I swear to the Maker I'll kill every last damned human I find!
Black Man: Would that include us, or not?
Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros?: [considers this] Nah, just the PSICOM guys. Say, none of you are with PSICOM or those Sanctum communists, are you?
Lightning: Used to be. I quit.
Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros?: Ooo, I bet there is a story behind that! How about you tell me it over coffee? I have a vending machine somewhere...should have some cake somewhere, as well. Baked it myself this morning!
Hope: [perks up suddenly] Cake?
Vanille: Cake! I love cake!
Hope: I think you've had enough cake, Vanille...
Snow: All right, more coffee! Coffee is the drink of Heroes!
Lightning: We are not discussing this over coffee and cake.
Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros?: Aww, come on! I'd love to hear a good story!
Vanille: You're clearly in the wrong game, then.
Lightning: No.
Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros?: Is she always this...?
Black Man: Butch? Yup.
Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros?: Oh. Well, whatever. So, who wants to stay for dinner? On the house!
Snow + Black Man + Hope + Vanille: Yeah!
Lightning: GUYS. This is kind of an important moment. My sister has been turned to crystal, Sanctum forces are about to storm the place, and the object of our misery is RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. We should be hacking it to pieces, not having a meal!
Hope: Well, then what about dessert?
Lightning: Well...I suppose there is time for dessert.
Snow: This hero wants some coffee, as well.
Lightning: Alright, and a quick cup of coffee. THEN WE'RE KILLING IT!
Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros?: ...you're such a killjoy. Just for that, you don't get any cake!

[short pause]

Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros?: ...no, that's cruel. Alright, take a teeny piece.
Hope: Yay! Tea party!
Sazh: Trenchcoat, don't eat all the cake!
Snow: This hero needs a man-sized piece of cake!
Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros?: Guys, guys! Plenty of cake to go around!
Vanille: Am I the only one wondering why we're having a party with the game's first boss?
Lightning: ...I'm surrounded by morons...

[Six hours later]

Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros?: ...and that was my career in opera. Now, let me tell you about the time I visited a strip club on the outskirts of the Hanging Edge with a guy dressed like a girl, a girl with breasts the size of those floating treasure sphere things that are dotted around my Vestige for no adequately explored reason, and this black guy with a machine gun on his arm who wouldn't stop swearing every five seconds...
Black Man: Ohoho, I'd like to open those babies alright...
Lightning: [twitching in the corner] Can I kill this thing now? PLEASE?
Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros?: Do we have to go through that again? We haven't even had our campfire sing-a-long yet!
Vanille: ...sing-a-long?
Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros?: Yup! I was thinking we'd start with "Friday" by Rebecca Black, and take it from there.
Vanille: WHAT?!
Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros?: Sound good? On the count of three, then! One, Two, Thr-
Vanille: I'll give you a campfire sing-a-long!

[Vanille promptly sets fire to the Mechanical fal'Cie Ultros(?), which is revealed to be called "Anima" upon closer inspection of the battle screen. Huh, go figure. Anyway, it turns out that octopus soup is on the menu tonight. The fal'Cie, the all-powerful, terrifying God, dies. Isn't that lovely? In any case, after the boss falls, our heroes find themselves in the Forbidden Land, Eureka...or something. A random space with a random giant crystal in it. A rather gorgeous little vocal piece plays in the background, and a bell tolls ominously as our heroes float about aimlessly.]

Lightning: I didn't even get to cut it...
Vanille: [it still sending fireballs out from her stick, accompanied with inarticulate rage noises]
Snow: Is this the land spoken of in the Hero's Legend? Then, that must mean that giant crystal is--!
Black Man: I don't think you should be touching that, trenchcoat...

[Suddenly, the entire area lights up, revealing that our heroes are not in Eureka, but Dream Zanarkand's Bliztball Stadium. A spectacular light-show which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever blasts onto the screen, and the mechanical fal'Cie Ultros (a.k.a. Anima) suddenly looks more like a mechanical version of Braska's Final Aeon.]

Anima: Ow! That HURT!
Vanille: I'll be in my cold grave before I sing that song, you heartless piece of junk!
Hope: Now might not be a good time to bait it...we're floating in some kind of void here, helpless.
Vanille: Oh, woop dee doo. Void. Darkness. The Force. I'm quaking in my deerskin booties. ANOTHER generic evil power! Whatever shall we do?
Black Man: Girl, you got some serious issues...
Lightning: We wouldn't be in this mess if you had just let me kill it to start with!
Black Man: Am I the only one here who thinks upsetting a God was a BAD idea?!

[Anima is not amused. Spirit tentacles shoot out from its gigantic form, ensnaring each of our heroes. Many distressed cries, and several things I am not allowed to describe, happen thereafter.]

Vanille: Tentacle rape! Why does this ALWAYS happen to me?!
Black Man: Ah hell, its the Purge train all over again!
Lightning: You keep your mouth shut!
Hope: I want my mommy!
Snow: This Hero is strangely enjoying this...
Lightning: Ah-HAH! So you WERE planning to cheat on my sister with this thing!
Anima: Thing?! I am the pinnacle of fal'Cie attractiveness! You should see what Barthandelus looks like!

[Our heroes writhe helplessly in the grip of the tentacles, as Anima hits them, one by one, with a Hadouken from its outstretched hand. The message here is very clear: you do NOT fuck with a God. The tentacles all evaporate at this point, and our heroes tumble into the newly-spawned abyss below them. Cue some dramatic music, and a ton of flashing images that were quite clearly nicked from Mass Effect and given a purple recolour. Screen goes white, and we see the Pulse Vestige suddenly crystallize and explode, taking out all nearby soldier forces, a couple of buildings, and probably a few thousand bystanders, as well. Somehow still intact, the Pulse Vestige falls down into (surprise) the Abyss below, creating several crystallized waves upon impact.]

When I couldn't see a future, and I was afraid...I shouldn't have been. When the future was clear, it hurt to see. I mean, are they SERIOUSLY making a sequel to this? I'd close my eyes and lose myself in happier days, but then I'm reminded: I just spent the last five-hundred years in crystal with a woman more butch than Lightning. I have no happier days.

[The music suddenly changes to something annoyingly light-hearted, and we're somewhere else entirely. Oh, great, a flashback. Just what this game needed. The screen tells us that this is "Day 11" and we're in The Seaside City of Altami--I mean, Bodhum. There are a lot of pretty fireworks going off in a miniature dome thing. Lots of people are in awe over the rather bland display, and we see Yuj moving through the crowd, merry as a hobbit, four red glasses presumably filled with very strong alcohol or black coffee, in his hands. The scene pans across random civilians who will probably all be dead by the morning.]

Horny Girl #1: And she was like, "Oh my God!", and I was like "No way, get outta here!", and she was like "Don't go there, sister!" and I was like, "Oh my God!"
Horny Girl #2: Oh my God!
Horny Girl #1: I know, right? And I was all, like- hey! Watch it!

[Snow shows up, promptly colliding with them. Accident? Not likely. He looks around, confused.]

Snow: SERRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[The entire bar goes quiet.]

Lebreau: You just missed her. She said she'd be at the "usual" place.
Snow: Oh...right. Thanks, fellow Hero.

[Snow runs out. Lebreau looks at him in irritation for a few moments, before she passes a rather dodgy-looking cocktail to the butch woman dressed in blue she's serving, who looks at it thoughtfully.]

Butch Woman: Dis ain't wot ah orderred, sweet'art.
Lebreau: I'm sorry, what?
Butch Woman: Ah sed, dis ain't wot ah orderred.
Lebreau: Yeah, it is a nice night out, isn't it. Say, are you doing anything later? I've got a room upstairs...you look the kind of girl who would be into a cute girl...
Butch Woman: Stown deh flaymin' crows!
Lebreau: Alright! You don't need to be so...enthusiastic. Save your energy - you're going to need it.
Butch Woman: Ah downt b'leeve dis...
Lebreau: Maybe you should stop talking now, before I get turned off...
Butch Woman: Wot da 'ell y'tallkin bowt, luv?
Lebreau: ...and there it goes. Right. GET OUT OF MY PUB!

[The scene cuts back to Snow, who leaps off the stairs, punches his fists together, watches the fireworks with a little smile on his face, and strolls off to find...Serah, praying by herself, on the bridge. Praying for the Rapture? Try again on Day 21.]

Snow: Wishing for a Hero?
Serah: I was hoping I could tell my sister tomorrow.
Snow: Wait, she's your sister?!
Serah: I only told you that like a gazillion times.
Snow: I thought you were messing with me! She's so...
Serah: Butch? Yeah, I know. Its a sensitive subject...well, sort of. I don't think she's capable of being sensitive, but she carves up anyone who brings it up...you should have seen what happened to my last boyfriend.
Snow: Ah, crap. I sent her some old magazines I had lying around...thought it might inspire her to get a girlfriend. I am in so much trouble...
Serah: Actually, she swings that way. At least, I think she does. But she'll be so mad, knowing I hid this from her...
Snow: Don't worry, I'll take the blame for ya. That's what Heroes do!
Serah: What do you mean, "take the blame" for me? YOU'RE the one who got me pregnant!
Snow: PREGNANT? When did THIS happen?
Serah: Well, when do you think it happened?
Snow: Uh, well...oh, man. You know, you should ask for something bigger. These are wish-granting fireworks, like in the stories.
Serah: What are you implying?
Snow: Nothing! Nothing at all!
Serah: Sure...well, if anyone needs to ask for something bigger, its YOU, mister.
Snow: [under his breath] I already have...
Serah: [fortunately for Snow, doesn't hear him] Stories, huh...

[The camera angle changes, to focus behind Snow and Serah as they watch the fireworks. The size difference between the two is painfully obvious...is she REALLY eighteen? He looks like he'd break her in half...]

Serah: L'cie who fulfill their Focus - they become crystal and gain eternal life.
Snow: Yeah, and they make great collectibles for aspiring heroes. I've already got six of them! You'll be my seventh!
Serah: So...what? I'm going to become a crystal?

[Serah turns away and starts crying, as we get to watch the fireworks. It is at this point that Snow displays how far his emotional range really extends to...]

Snow: Yesterday at the store, I got us something.

[...sexism, in a Final Fantasy game? Well, I never! Snow holds up possibly the ugliest pair of necklaces in FF accessory history and Serah, lo and behold, immediately stops crying! She completely forgets about all her worries and sadness once Snow puts it on her...now she can clean the kitchen in style!]

Snow: This Hero will stand by you, no matter what happens! Will you marry me?
Serah: Well, that came outta nowhere...
Snow: I can show you the world! Shining, shimmering, splendid! Tell me, Princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?
Serah: Uh, Snow...
Snow: I can open your eyes! Take you wonder by wonder! Over, sideways and under-
Serah: I don't know what you're thinking about, but you can count me out of it...
Snow: -on a flying motorbike ride! A WHOLE NEW WORLD! A new fantastic point of view! No-one to tell us "no", or where to go, or say we're only dreaming~
Serah: A whole new world! A dazzling place I never knew! But when I'm way up here, its crystal clear, that now I'm in a whole new world with-
Snow: Now I'm in a whole new world with-
Serah: Don't interrupt.
Snow: Sorry, ma'am.
Serah: Now you've totally ruined it.
Snow: Anyways, will you marry me?
Serah: I suppose, but next time, I demand a solo.
Snow: SHE SAID YES! [jumps for joy]

[Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...]

Lightning: [shudder]
Black Man: Somethin' the matter, sugar?
Lightning: I just had a very strong urge to kill something...slowly, painfully. Carving out their insides with a knife, shoving my sword so far up their backside it emerges through their mouth, bleaching their eyeballs, casting Firaga on their hair...
Black Man: Uh...[edges away from her]

[Back in Bodhun, Snow and Serah are riding on a flying motorcycle, watching the fireworks inside the dome. Snow is looking strangely effeminate in this thrilling cutscene, and Serah's light pink hair has darkened to the same shade Lightning's was in the first pictures of her. Consistency FTW!]

Snow: Heroes love fireworks! Especially wish-granting fireworks!
Serah: Maybe they'll grant my wish...to have the courage to tell Lightning that I've become a l'Cie.
Snow: Wait, I thought you were afraid of telling her we were a couple?
Serah: Nope...I KNOW how she'll take that. She'll rip your balls out and feed them to you.
Snow: My eyeballs?
Serah: Try again.
Snow: [loud gulp] Oh...so, our engagement IS way bigger news!
Serah: ...you're an insensitive prick, you know that?
Snow: [clearly not listening] Oh man, I can't wait to see her face. She'll be my new sister!
Serah: If I were you, I'd never call her that...ever.

[Rather than sit and watch the fireworks outside the dome - clearly, they're inside a dome for a reason - Snow steers the flying motorcycle right into it, allowing the fireworks to explode around them. As Snow and Serah risk their very lives in the middle of a storm of highly dangerous, yet very pretty, fireworks, Faye Wong starts singing in the background...wait,
are you telling me that isn't "Eyes on Me"? Could have fooled me...at this point, a firework explodes directly next to them, sending their vehicle spinning out of control...see, now what did I say? FIREWORKS ARE DANGEROUS. In typical "young lovers" fashion, they laugh about their near death experience.]

Serah: Gorgeous...our own private heaven.
Snow: Actually, I think there are a ton of people on the ground watching this...
Serah: Oh...looks like I won't be taking my clothes off or kissing you, then.
Snow: ...did I say that? What I meant was "there WERE a ton of people on the ground watching this, but they all left, because they aren't true Heroes"
Serah: Too late. You've killed the mood. Again. Np songs, no sex, no Serah.
Snow: Damn!

[They fly off into the stars, freezing themselves to death with the high altitude. Oh, if only. The screen goes white, and the screen fills with Snow's ugly, panicked mug. It was all a DREAM! A DREAM FLASHBACK! Never had one of THOSE before.]

Snow: SERAH!

[Snow's inconsiderate shouting wakes up everyone else. Nothing new there. The screen pans out, revealing we are at Lake Bresha, a prettier version of the Esthar Wastelands.]

Snow: Oh, it was just a dream about Serah...
Hope: I dreamed I was wearing a green tunic and was about to face off against a giant spider...[shudders]
Black Man: I dreamed that I was on an aircraft filled with snakes...I'm fed up with that motherfucking dream, its all I ever have.
Vanille: I dreamed that I was on an airship with two other girls, and we were flying across the world in an airship with a re-used design, looking for pretty spheres and killing enemies by changing our clothes to suit the situation!

[Short pause]

Vanille: ...what? Its not like its any worse than this!
Lightning: I had a dream, too...it wasn't pleasant, though...I dreamt I was a moron.
Black Man: Wait, you weren't dreaming about killing something?
Lightning: No...but I am now.

[Everyone edges away from her.]

Black Man: This must be...Lake Bresha? I guess we fell from here, and the lake turned to crystal? Help me out here! I mean, did the fal'Cie do this? How in the world did we end up here?
Vanille: I suspect all of those questions will never be answered...events really don't make any sense.
Snow: SERAH! Serah saved us!
Lightning: Does every sentence you say have to include either "Hero" or "Serah" in it?!
Snow: Of course not! [mutters]...fellow Hero.
Lightning: Shut up! It's your fault she-

[At this point, a MEGA Cie'th sneaks up behind Lightning. BACK ATTACK! Odd, they aren't standing on any bridges. Anyways, Snow blocks the attack, and then counters with his own Aura Sphere move, sending it sprawling. He seems surprised by this, however.]

Snow: When did this Hero gain a new special move?
Hope: You used magic! The fal'Cie cursed us. We're l'Cie now! We're all gonna die! I want my mommy!
Lightning: Someone, shut him up before I slit his throat!
Hope: [whimpers]

[More Cie'th appear from a random direction, and Lightning draws her swiss army knife sword, looking very serious...for a change.]

Lightning: FINALLY, something to kill.

[Enter a battle...and, OMG, a new battle mechanic! Here I was, thinking we'd just be letting the computer attack for us for the entire game! How silly of me! Well, I cannot wait to see what new and exciting innovations will be born of this system!

...yeah, alright. Battle is easy, good guys win.]

Vanille: You-just-got-pwned-Eff-Tee-Double-U!
Black Man: ...what are you doing?
Vanille: I'm singing our victory song! Every group of Heros needs one!
Snow: Hey! That's MY word! I'm the only one who is allowed to say "Hero!"! It loses all meaning when you-
Lightning: Shut the hell up!
Snow: [grumbles] I'm the Hero here...
Hope: Am I the only one who cares we've been turned into l'Cie?! Why me?!
Lightning: [turns to Vanille] Is he always like this?
Vanille: Unfortunately, yes.
Lightning: [Draws her sword] Right. Anyone object to me slitting his throat here and now?
Vanille: Nope.
Snow: None, fellow Hero.
Black Man: Not really.
Hope: I object!
Lightning: You don't get a say in it.
Vanille: Well, that doesn't seem very fair.
Lightning: What isn't fair is having to put up with all of you.
Hope: I don't even know you! But you have to go and attack that thing? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! All of this is your and Serah's fault!
Snow: This Hero will not allow you to besmirch the good name of his Princess!

[Snow shoves Hope...is ANYONE going to splatter this brat across the wasteland? Hope crawls away like a frightened little girl...and finds himself staring up at Lightning, who glares down at him. This is all far too much for Hope's bladded, which promptly empties itself. But then, with THAT glaring at you, who wouldn't? Hope crawls away and starts crying. Get the
feeling I'm going to be saying that a lot. Unsurprisingly, it is Vanille who comforts him.]

Vanille: Why am I always the one to calm this kid down?
Lightning: You tell me.
Vanille: [Puts her arms around his shoulders] Don't worry about a thing! Cos' every little thing is gonna be alright! Come on! Off we go! Follow the blue crystal road!

[She pulls Hope to his feet and starts skipping away down the path, dragging him with her. Thus ends a rather unsatisfactorary and dull cutscene, and we're given control of Lightning, to clip-clop defeaningly down...a straight pathway! Shock horror! It doesn't last long, however. Barely a few steps are taken before Lightning decides they need to start talking again. Did they substitute random battles in this game for cutscenes or something?]

Lightning: Okay, if we don't know our Focus, how do we complete it?
Black Man: I dunno. That's just how it is. The fal'Cie don't spell it out with clear-cut instructions.
Lightning: I expect he just wants us to go out and buy him some more cake or something.
Snow: Well, that isn't a very heroic mission.
Lightning: So, we just find a cake store, buy it out, and then give it to him. Focus completed. Problem solved.
Vanille: It'll take us a whole year to raise that much money! I wonder if there is an excursion to some mines looking to hire some skilled adventurers...
Hope: I...uh...I mean...I...
Lightning: Spit it out before I spit you.
Hope: I saw this big...I mean, towering...
Lightning: What?
Hope: I...I...never mind.
Black Man: Did we all have the same dream?
Snow: This Hero hopes not...[glances warily at Lightning, who glares back]
Vanille: Maybe if we all try randomly saying the first thing that comes into our head we'll find out! On the count of three...one...two...
Hope: Mommy!
Black Man: Afro!
Snow: Hero!
Lightning: Kill!

[Short pause]

Vanille: ...you were supposed to say "Ragnarok"!
All: Ragnarok?

[Cue another ambiguous Mass-Effect probe-inspired cutscene.]

Black Man: So, we all saw the same dream? We all heard the same voice?
Lightning: Snow woke us up with his girly screaming, yes.
Snow: This Hero does NOT scream like a girl.
Lightning: He will in a minute...
Hope: Wait...you mean that messed up series of flashes was our Focus?
Lighting: Is. IS our Focus.
Hope: Well, that's REALLY helpful, isn't it?
Vanille: The fal'Cie only gives us a dream as a hint.
Lightning: If I listened to what my dreams told me, you would all be dead by now.
Black Man: Wait, we're Pulse l'Cie, right? Enemies of Cocoon. So, does that mean our Focus is-?
Snow: Save her! The Focus of the Hero is to protect Cocoon.
Vanille: Really? And why is that?
Snow: Because I say so, and I am SNOW VILLIERS, the Hero of Time!
Hope: I thought I was the Hero of Time?
Lightning: More like the Hero of Whine.
Black Man: [sarcastic applause] Oh, well done. The one time you display a sense of humour, you come up with the worst pun imaginable.
Lightning: I only said what everyone else was thinking.
Snow: I'm going to go look for Serah. Follow me, fellow Heroes!

[Snow runs off.]

Vanille: For Pulse's sake, can't you control your hormones for at least five minutes?!

[Vanille runs after him.]

Black Man: ...kids.

[The Black Man runs off, leaving only Hope and Lightning. Poor Lightning. She turns away, understandably disgusted with the whole situation, and Hope looks at her hopefully.]

Hope: ...mommy...
Lightning: What did you say?
Hope: Nothing!

[Hope runs off - with considerable haste. Since the path behind has mysteriously vanished, Lightning has only one option: run after them. At this point, the game decides to give us a tutorial of the Crystarium, a prettier, less interactive version of the Sphere Grid from Final Fantasy X. Then its time for some more running and battling. Until, finally, Snow gets hyperactive enough to stop everyone and start talking again.]

Snow: The epic quest has begun! It is up to the Hero of Time and his faithful sidekicks to stop the evil of the fal'Cie and protect Cocoon.
Lightning: I am nobody's sidekick.
Snow: Don't be like that, sis.
Lightning: Call me that again and I'll rip out your spine - assuming you have one - and use that for my weapon instead.
Black Man: Give us one good reason to buy into all this crap. One good reason.
Snow: Serah! She said to protect Cocoon, and then she turned to crystal.
Lightning: She also said she was eighteen.
Snow: She's the proof! She completed her Focus! So ours is to save Cocoon!
Vanille: That is the most ridiculous leap in logic yet...
Snow: Serah's fal'Cie was the same as ours. Our Focus has got to be the same! We were chosen as guardians, to defeat Ragnarok!
Black Man: I think you're missing the point that Pulse fal'Cie are Cocoon's enemies, and we just got recruited by one of them.
Lightning: This is boring. I'm killing you now.

[However, just as Lightning is about to draw her sword across Snow's throat...half a dozen PSICOM soldiers show up!]

Random Soldier #8: Freeze! Place your hands behind your head!
Random Soldier #1: Oh, bloody hell, its that butch woman again.
Random Soldier #8: You're kidding me. She's the one who beat the crap out of you earlier?
Random Soldier #1: I know, she doesn't look like much...but she is.
Random Soldier #8: Well, now I know you're full of crap.
Random Soldier #9: You fall off the Purge train?
Lightning: Maybe.
Random Soldier #9: Are you talking back to me?!
Random Soldier #2: She was answering your question, dude. Calm down.
Random Soldier #9: Sorry...I got a bit carried away with the drama.
Random Soldier #1: So did we earlier, and look at what happened to US.
Random Soldier #9: Its just, we've been down here, freezing our arses off, and this is the first sign of intelligent life we've seen. This is a graveyard shift. I don't want to just kill em. I want an epic showdown!
Snow: I like this guy. Can we make him a Hero?
Lightning: No.
Random Soldier #9: A Hero? Me?

[The other PSICOM soldiers issue a collective sigh, shaking their heads.]

Random Soldier #7: Don't start that again...
Snow: Oh, hey again. Good to see you're still alive, fellow Hero.
Random Soldier #7: Hey. When we're done here, we should play cards sometime.
Snow: Sounds good.
Black Man: Count me in
Random Soldier #1: You're not playing with us unless you apologise for kicking my arse earlier.
Black Man: C'mon, I hardly did anything! Lightning was the one pulling all the moves!
Random Soldier #1: [snort] Lightning? Are you serious?
Lightning: ...you got a problem?
Random Soldier #1: No, of course not...Lightning.
Lightning: Its an alias. Deal with it.
Random Soldier #8: Bit of an...unoriginal one, don't you think?
Lightning: Do you have a point to make?
Random Soldier #8: Yeah, that its unoriginal. Why not go with something people wouldn't expect?
Lightning: Like what?
Random Soldier #8: Cloud, maybe. Or Squall!
Black Man: He has a point...either of those would suit you much better.
Hope: I like Squall!
Lightning: ...
Black Man: Guessing she doesn't agree. Well then, how about Light?
Lightning: No.
Hope: You're no fun.
Lightning: ...any other pointless questions you want to ask me before I gut you?
Random Soldier #9: Well, I'd like to know why you're so butch. Do you work out, or...?

[He is silenced as Lightning glares at him with a stare that could freeze the Sun over. Such a strong female protagonist! *hacking cough*]

Lightning: Alright, that does it. I'm killing you all, NOW.

[She punches the soldier in the face, draws her sword and then, for some inexplicable reason, tosses it into the air for some stupidly ineffectual air move when a simple slash would do fine...works for everything else, after all. Unfortunately for her, Random Soldier #8 is smarter than your average soldier, and shoots it away. Oh dear.]

Black Man: ...smooth. Real smooth.
Random Soldier #8: Idiot.
Random Soldier #1: WHOAH! How the hell did you manage that?
Random Soldier #8: Dude, she threw her sword into the air. What did you expect me to do, let her catch it?
Random Soldier #1: Well, I thought that was how it was supposed to work...
Random Soldier #9: [facepalms] How the hell did YOU get into the military?
Random Soldier #1: I took the Global Competent Soldier Exams.
Random Soldier #9: Its true what they say - they get easier every year. A four-year old could probably pass those now.
Random Soldier #8: Enough of that. Now, Ms. Cloudy Lighty Squally, what have we learned?
Lightning: [glare] Not to throw my sword at soldiers before disembowelling them.
Random Soldier #8: Good girl. Now, if I give you this back, do you promise to behave?
Lightning: ...I suppose.
Random Soldier #8: That's better. Now, can we all get along so we can figure out what to do?

[Foolishly, he hands Lightning her sword. An evil glint enters her eye. Five minutes later...]

Black Man: I thought they'd be tougher than that.
Lightning: You didn't DO anything.
Black Man: You were handling things so well, I didn't want to interfere.
Lightning: ...whatever.
Black Man: These guys are PSICOM, ya? Supposed to be cream-of-the-crop.
Random Soldier #8: Tell that to my fellow soldiers...
Black Man: Oh, are you still alive?
Random Soldier #8: Yeah, but right now, I wish I wasn't...
Lightning: Wish granted. [stabs Random Soldier #8]
Random Soldier #1: Oh my God! You killed Kenny! You bastard!
Lightning: Shut up. [stabs Random Soldier #1]

[Random Soldier #9 stirs. Lightning turns to glare at his prone form.]

Lightning: How about you?
Random Soldier #9: Me? Oh, I couldn't be more dead. Yep. Very dead!
Lightning: Good.
Snow: These soldiers are no match for us Heroes!
Lightning: Cut the crap. If PSICOM unleash their cold-blooded elite, its game over.
Snow: Your glowing optimism inspires this Hero...
Vanille: Uh-oh, spaghettios! Then let's run away! Ciao!

[Vanille pulls the oddest fanservice action pose, and then runs off. Lightning and Snow watch her disturbingly hypnotic swishing backside and flailing arms, which strike Hope hard in the face as she runs past him.]

Lightning: ...tell me, is she on the same planet as the rest of us?
Snow: This Hero hopes not.

[Everyone runs after her. Do they have to? Turns out Vanille hasn't gone very far, though...at the end of the narrow, linear corridor, there is a slighly larger area crawling with enemies. Well, at least the uncontrollable characters don't start battles for us. Shortly before the next cutscene, Snow decides to make introductions, and we get to see the character's
second names...well, asides from Vanille's. The Black Man is also revealed to be named "Sazh" which you probably knew by now from looking at the menu, but this is the first time his name has been mentioned by characters in the game...Jesus CHRIST.]

Sazh: It's not right. Why'd kids have to get dragged into this?
Hope: Well, we stole a hoverbike and came here.
Sazh: ...bloody kids.
Snow: This Hero will keep the kids out of trouble!
Sazh: Oh no, I don't want you going anywhere near them. Not given how old your fiance is...
Snow: Serah is eighteen!
Sazh: Boy, I KNOW what an eighteen year-old girl looks like, and she definetely ain't one.
Snow: Lightning! Help the Hero out!
Lightning: ...men.
Vanille: HEY! LISTEN! [waves frantically from where she stands...a few feet away]
Hope: [looking dejected] ...why am I associating myself with her? What did I do to deserve this?
Sazh: Taking on the fal'Cie, that was our first mistake. Hooking up those two, that was our second.
Lightning: Our third?
Sazh: Not letting you kill that white-haired kid.
Lightning: Something we agree on. Finally.

[More running and battling. Gods, even this script is starting to feel linear now. You can only pad out sections of running and battling in so many words. Anyways, eventually, our heroes come across...Serah! What are the odds? Apparently, quite high. But then, they are protagonists in a JRPG, and a bunch of useless, plot-related shit is always lying around. Anyways. Snow spots her, jumps down, and starts trying to dig her out. In the interlude between her crystallization and the fall, Serah has
somehow become naked. Oookay then. Snow begins to try and chip her out with some metal thing. The edge of one of Serah's fingers break off. Snow visibly pales.]

Snow: Uh-oh...
Lightning: What? What did you do?
Snow: Nothing...[slips the finger fragment into his pocket] Keep digging, fellow heroes!

[Presumably, Lightning stops time so that she can act feminine when she wishes Serah goodbye...what a wonderful big sister she is. Everyone else - Vanille, Sazh and Hope, who have never met Serah before now, and have no connection to her at all - keep digging.]

Snow: Abandoning people is not what Heroes do, Lightning!
Lightning: PSICOM will be here soon. I'm outta here.
Sazh: Here I was thinking you welcomed the opportunity to kill things...
Snow: I will protect Serah and Cocoon! Nobody will die on my watch! I'm the Hero!

[At this point, Lightning loses her temper and Falcon Punches Snow across the floor. Indiscriminate butchly rage is evident in her horrifyingly rendered face.]

Lightning: SHUT UP! Your speeches are getting on my nerves, and you've done fuck all.
Sazh: Am I the only one here who is even remotely sane?

[Nobody can think of a response to that. Neither can I so, moving swiftly onwards...a flashlight shines on Sazh suddenly. A "!" comes up over his head...and there goes the mini-map. Oh, shit. Turns out Metal Gear RAY has decided to get involved in this malarky...or not. Its that Scorpion Mech again, only without its chainsaw claws, and a considerably longer tail. Huh. Enter battle. Battle easily won. No sign at all of the monster when it dies, and the way our heroes are standing when the battle ends, it exploding in a dramatic, six-storey high fireball wouldn't be entirely out of place...Lightning ruins the moment by walking away.]

Snow: You leaving, big sister?
Lightning: We established that before we were attacked by that nuisance.
Sazh: We wanna help Serah to.
Lightning: You've changed your tune.
Sazh: Shut up, fool.
Snow: So I just abandon her and save myself?! That is not what Heroes-
Lightning: What about your Focus? What about banding together to save the world? You want to forget that and die right here? Because, if so...[draws her sword hopefully]
Snow: I'll do whatever it takes! I'll finish this Focus, and keep Serah safe. That's my promise.
Vanille: ...how many more overdramatic, cheesy lines is this guy going to deliver?
Lightning: ...whatever.

[Lightning walks off. For some reason, Sazh decides to follow her, and then Vanille follows Sazh, and Hope follows Vanille...guess they can't really stand Snow either. Snow, however, decides to pause. Could he be confronting Snow? Could he FINALLY be showing some worth as a character?!]

Hope: Snow...I...uh...
Snow: Save it for next time, fellow Hero.
Hope: But...
Snow: Don't worry, fellow Hero. Light will take care of you. Just like your mom would..
Hope: My...mom...[runs off after Lightning, with all due haste]
Snow: [chuckles] This Hero believes he just unleashed a monster...

[The scene fades with Snow trying to dig Serah out of her crystal prison...with no visible effect, perhaps because he's aiming lower this time. Cutting her finger off seems to have taught him a lesson. Hope takes one final look, makes an empty promise, and then Snow is left behind...for now.]
 
Chapter Six: The Sanctum Strikes Back

[So, we've left Snow behind now, and continue clip-clopping along the Esthar Wastelands with Lightning, Vanille and Sazh. Hope is supposed to be with them as well, but you don't see him at all...good. After quite a lot of following the blue crystal
road - the most that they've done thus far, in fact, presumably because they're eager to get as far away from Snow as is humanly possible - and crossing what Sazh calls a "slippery tube" *coughs* you run straight into an "Alpha Behemoth", the
lapdog of the Green Giant. Shortly after killing that, after an ETERNITY of running and battling, our Heroes finally reach...]

Vanille: Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

[Crouching at the edge of a crystal cliff, Hope magically re-appearing behind them after being conspicuously absent for the last half hour or so of running (guess he got bored as well) our Heroes are now overlooking some mysterious giant PSICOM ship
that looks like it would below in a desert, not a crystal wasteland. Some purple PSICOM soldiers are marching below.]

Purple Commander #1: Sound off!
Purple Soldier #1: One!
Purple Soldier #2: Two!
Purple Commander #1: Sound off!
Purple Soldier #3: Three!
Purple Soldier #4: Four!
Purple Commander #1: I don't know, but I've been told: Primarch Dysley's mighty old!
Purple Soldiers: I don't know, but I've been told: Primarch Dysley's mighty old!
Purple Commander #1: How old?
Purple Soldiers: We don't know!

[They march around a little bit, in perfect unison. Could we have here some competent military soldiers?!]

Purple Commander #1: Sweep team! Form ranks!
Purple Soldier #3: Uh, Commander...
Purple Commander #1: I told you to form ranks!
Purple Soldier #3: We ARE in rank, Commander.
Purple Commander #1: Oh...carry on, then. Sound off!

[They continue marching around the entrance, rather than marching out. Oh well. Parade ground soldiers after all. Meanwhile, on the nearby ledge...]

Sazh: They must be huntin' down Purge survivors.
Lightning: The drop from the Hanging Edge is several thousand feet. If anyone fell from that height, they'd be dead.
Sazh: We made it down here, didn't we?
Vanille: Yeah, but we're the main characters!
Lightning: What she said...whatever she said.
Sazh: You agreeing with her?!
Lightning: Yep. Anything to get you to shut up.
Hope: Its snacktime...I want my snacks!
Lightning: [glares] Do you want me to change your diapers for you, as well?
Hope: Well, I didn't want to say anything before, but...
Lightning: [snarls and turns away]
Vanille: I hope everyone made it out OK...
Sazh: So do I.
Lightning: You're both idiots. PSICOM were killing everyone off. I doubt anyone made it out at all.
Hope: [starts to cry]
Sazh: All hail Lightning, she who makes children cry.
Lightning: Shut up.
Vanille: Well, at least we're still alive. That's something!

[They all have an anime moment, where the scene focuses on how strong the wind is. After a few moments, the characters realise that they aren't about to be shot by PSICOM soldiers, and collectively sigh. Suddenly, the ground starts shaking! Everyone looks up in alarm.]

Hope: What is it?!
Lightning: There!

[She points at the empty air, which is then occupied by a TIE Fighter--uh, I mean, a gunship of some kind. Several of them fly by extremely close - how do they not notice our heroes staring up at them? - and fly by the giant ship, still parked
below.]

Lightning: They're sealing off the area. They're trying to trap the stragglers.
Vanille: Despite the fact that there won't be any stragglers down here besides us?
Lightning: I never said they were smart. We've gotta get moving before we're caught in the net.

[Nobody has anything to say to that, so we're off once again, down the narrow crystal gorge, making some gigantic jumps that would put even Mario to shame (especially since Hope somehow makes them as well...consistency is nice.) and past several groups of purple PSICOM soldiers, who are only slightly harder than regular green ones to kill...the joys of recoloured enemies, eh? After a shocking amount of running around, another cutscene begins.]

Vanille: Wow! This whole place is crystal!
Lightning: Please tell me you did NOT just notice this.
Sazh: [stretching and groaning] I'm getting too old for this...
Hope: Mommy, mommy! Can I take a crystal home with me?
Lightning: I am NOT your mother.
Hope: But big sister said I could...

[Lightning glares at Vanille, who waves cheerfully back.]

Sazh: I wonder what it'd be like. To become a crystal, I mean.
Lightning: Something like being caught between a rock and a hard place.
Sazh: Was that supposed to be a joke?
Lightning: You tell me.
Vanille: You're gonna complete your Focus?
Sazh: Maybe. If I knew what it was.
Vanille: Well, in its defence, the fal'Cie didn't have much time to think up a Focus for you...
Sazh: Are you kidding me? We spent hours and hours talking, it had plenty of time!
Vanille: I guess so...
Sazh: I probably don't want to know.
Vanille: Probably not.
Sazh: You're just full of it, aren't you girl?
Vanille: Huh? Full of what?

[Sazh throws up his hands and walks away, whilst Vanille turns to the next likely target who won't soil themselves and burst into tears when addressed.]

Vanille: Hey, Lighty. Did Serah say anything to you about her Focus?
Lightning: Nothing. And don't call me that.
Vanille: Huh? Call you what?
Lignting: ...Lighty.
Vanille: Aww, but its so cute! It makes you sound like a cute, fluffy bunny!
Lightning: ...

[An awkward silence descends over the two characters who are like yin and yang to one another. Serious Spice and Kooky Spice. After a few minutes, Kooky Spice decides to break it...predictably.]

Vanille: Aww, you know what? She probably just didn't want to worry you!
Lightning: Or she just didn't think she could trust me.
Vanille: Stop that!
Lightning: Stop...what?
Vanille: Being emo! That's his job! [hikes a thumb over her shoulder to point at Hope, who is staring aimlessly out at the crystal wasteland.]
Hope: Huh? Wha?
Vanille: Never mind, sweetie. Big sis and Mommy are talking. Go back to staring out at the pretty crystals.
Hope: Kay! [smiles and goes back to said activity.]
Sazh: Hey, uh, ladies? How long do you think it'll take to get down there?
Lightning: About five seconds if you jump.
Sazh: Cool. You'll stop the splat with the anti-gravity thing, right?
Lightning: Sure, why not. After you.

[Lightning walks away]

Hope: Big sis, what's the matter with mommy?
Vanille: She misses daddy.
Hope: I hate daddy.
Vanille: We all hate daddy, sweetheart.
Sazh: I didn't. He was better company than you lot.
Vanille: Hah! Just you wait. You'll regret saying that.
Sazh: I find that hard to believe...between you, him and her, there is more drama here than on an episode of the Galenth Dysley Show.
Hope: Oooh, I used to watch that with mom! Laughing at the people on there made her feel better about how bad her life was, or so she said.
Sazh: I can't think of any other reason why someone would watch it. Dysley really lets them have it. Remember when he shot that one guy with lightning?
Vanille: He's shot dozens of guys with lightning! Which one are you talking about?
Sazh: The bald black guy in the bathrobe who tried to stick it to him with a purple sword.
Vanille: Oh yeah! I thought that guy was going to win for a minute...didn't his illegitimate son interfere or something?
Sazh: Yeah. Then his stepfather cut his arms off and ran for it.
Hope: Hold on, I don't remember seeing that one-
Vanille: Uh, we'd better go catch up with Lightning! [runs off]
Sazh: Hey! Don't leave me here with this little brat! He'll be calling me "Daddy" next! [runs after her]
Hope: ...why is everyone so mean to me?

[Time for some more running! We encounter some new enemies here...more robots, on highly impractical stick-legs and with little weaponry to speak of. Honestly, who designed these things? After continuing along yet ANOTHER crystal path, our heroes
arrive at the ominously named "Gates of Antiquity" which looks, unsurprisingly, like a set of antique gates. Now we get to run through ruins, as opposed to crystals. From as near as I can tell, this was a LAKE before it got turned to crystal, so where the bloody hell have these ruins come from?]

Sazh: Even the flames have turned to crystal...this is ridiculous...
Vanille: Don't look at me, I didn't write this script. I can't explain why the flames and water turned to crystal but the stone of the ruins remained untouched. I hate continuity errors as much as you do.
Sazh: Can you make her stop doing that? You ARE her mother...
Lightning: [death glare]
Sazh: ...and even if you're not, she'll listen to you. A mug like that, you'd be stupid not to...
Hope: Hey...wasn't this place featured on Time Team the other week?
Vanille: Oh yeah! The ancient fal'Cie burial ground!
Sazh: EVERYWHERE is an ancient fal'Cie burial ground. Why can't they just cremate their dead like civilised beings?
Hope: I think there was a way out up ahead...

[Boulders block the doorway Hope leads them to.]

Lightning: Smart move, genius.
Hope: I was sure there was a way out here...hey, what's this sticky stuff on the ground?
Vanille: If I had to guess...someone tried to take the way out.
Hope: And? What happened to him?
Sazh: ...oh. Eeew.
Lightning: Nasty.
Hope: Guys, I wanna know! Tell me!
Vanille: He...went to get some ice cream. That stuff on the floor? Ice cream.
Hope: Oh, wow! Can we get some ice cream?
Lightning: No.
Vanille: Yes. We can get some ice cream when we get out of here.
Hope: Awesome! I want chocolate!
Vanille: Alright, Hope. Say, Lighty-
Liughtning: I told you to stop calling me that.
Vanille: -do you think you could squeeze through that gap up there?
Lightning: What do I look like, my sister? I'm not that slim.
Sazh: You're telling me!
Lightning: [glare] Fine, I'll do it. If only to shut you up.

[Lightning some squeezes through the gap...no wonder the screen blacks out whenever you're overcoming an obstacle, trying to make sense of all this is like trying to find some originality in the Inheritance Cycle. Anyways, after a little more running
our heroes FINALLY exit the Gates of Antiquity...and enter the Temple of Antiquity! Or something like that.]

Vanille: [skips past Lightning]
Lightning: Stay close.
Vanille: I wanna look around! Tee hee!
Lightning: [disgusted sigh]

[Yes, despite the imminent danger and dire seriousness of the situation, Vanille wants to look around. She's laughing and giggling and SKIPPING through this entire thing. What planet is this girl from?! She makes Selphie look like Squall! Anyway, as they casually walk into the arena--I mean, the wide open space that would be highly convenient for a boss fight--we see through the eyes of an unknown assailant, which turns out to be...a boss! An angry dragon-like thing chases Vanille, Benny Hill style, back to her comrades. Serves her right from wandering off like a moron.]

Vanille: Its Ridley! These must be Chozo Ruins!
Lightning: I told you to stay close!
Vanille: I'm sorry, mommy! Save me!
Lightning: Not you as well!
Hope: [starts crying]
Vanille: Ridley is unbeatable! We're all gonna die! None of us have an arm cannon or power suit!
Sazh: Unbeatable? Oh, fantastic! What are we gonna to do now?
Hope: [still crying]
Lightning: EVERYONE SHUT UP!

[Sazh stutters into silence. Vanille and Hope both stop crying...even the dragon looks at a loss for words, simply hovering in the air before them, unsure of what to do with itself.]

Lightning: ...better. Now, we're going to kill this thing, then we're getting out of here, then I never want to see any of you ever again. Now, MOVE.

[Cue battle with the dragon! Turns out its called "Garuda Interceptor"...I always thought Garuda was a bird-like creature. Must have had an upgrade. To a dragon. Surprise, surprise. Anyways, battle is easy. Afterwards, Garuda turns around...
revealing a fanged mouth where its backside should be. Awesome? It flies away, shattering some fire crystals, and starts glowing as it spins around, facing our motionless heroes.]

Lightning: It's charging up.
Sazh: Charging? What are you talking about? Charging for what?
Lightning: Charging to kill us. What else would it be charging for?
Sazh: Oh, I could think of a few things...
Vanille: Guys! Ridley! About to kill us! Fight later!
Hope: What are we gonna do?!
Lightning: We're going to kill it.
Sazh: I like that plan. But it'll be finished charging any second now!
Hope: Aaaaah! [turns around and cowers with his hands over his head]

[Several minutes later]

Vanille: ...what is taking so long?! This isn't Dragonball Z, and this whole thing is long enough without all these damned tedious pauses! Hey, you! Hurry up and kill us!
Sazh: Did you just ask the monster to kill us?
Vanille: Well, maybe you, Hope and Lighty. I'd rather skip away unharmed.
Lightning: I've had enough of this.

[Lightning runs forward, pausing as she gets closer as if just realising that the monster is hovering out of her reach, allowing Sazh and Vanille to catch up. Hope is still cowering somewhere. Battle begins again, only now the Garuda Interceptor is GLOWING. Which, of course, makes the fight so much harder, as its health has miraculously doubled and anything in RPGs that glows is either of great power or about to explode...oh, wait. My mistake. The Garuda Interceptor is in the latter category. After it explodes, Vanille skips ahead again, back in Cheery Mode. Oh, goodie.]

Vanille: Check it out! [points at the structure ahead]
Lightning: ...why is there advanced technology in old ruins?
Sazh: I don't care. Let's go.

[Turns out said advanced technology is an aircraft of some kind. The camera zooms out to show it in all its glory...and a random pigeon, which settles on an outcrop of rock. A pigeon?!]

Vanille: If you're happy and you know it...
Sazh: Don't. Please.
Vanille: [claps her hands together]
Sazh: [turns away and shakes his head in despair. Poor Sazh.]
Vanille: This'll make things easier!
Sazh: Knowing our luck, its probably missing an engine.
Lightning: Knowing our luck, it'll probably explode in mid-air.
Hope: Knowing our luck, we'll get shot down, capture and tortured...
Vanille: You shouldn't be so negative!
Sazh: And you shouldn't be so...you.

[They all walk off in separate directions - after all, they'll all meet again on the ship, so it doesn't matter if they all walk in directions that would actually lead them around the ship - and the piegon, which now looks like an owl (continuity FTW!) flies off. The screen goes black...and we go back to Snow, who is STILL trying to dig Serah out.]

Snow: I dig dig dig dig dig dig dig in a mine the whole day through, to dig dig dig dig dig dig dig is what I like to do! It ain't no trick, to get rich quick, if you dig dig dig, with a shovel or a pick, in a mine!
Purple Soldier #5: In a mine!
Snow: In a mine!
Purple Soldier #5: In a mine!
Snow: Where a million crystals...shiiiine! I dig dig dig- wait a minute.

[Snow spins around, to find several PSICOM soldiers with guns levelled at him.]

Snow: When did you guys get here?!
Purple Soldier #5: ...you're kidding me. You didn't see the ships flying overhead? You didn't hear the dramatic announcement that we'd found you? You didn't see us until just now?
Snow: Uh...no?
Purple Soldier #5: Dysley's frozen balls...

[At this point, three gunships descend, shining spotlights on Snow.]

Radio Voice #1: Sweep team to base. L'Cie spotted. I repeat, l'Cie spotted.
Radio Voice #2: It's about bloody time! Working overtime is a real bitch.
Radio Voice #3: You're telling me...my kid is getting a swimming award today!
Radio Voice #2: Aww, how adorable!
Radio Voice #3: You keep away from my kid, you sick freak. We all know what you get up to after hours.
Radio Voice #2: She told me she was eighteen!
Radio Voice #1: And you believed her?
Snow: ...are they talking about Serah? Girl sure does get around...
Radio Voice #2: Can we get back on track here? Pulse l'Cie. Confirmed.
Radio Voice #3: Wait...Pulse l'Cie confirmed? How did you do that?
Radio Voice #1: We used our eyes, Jeff.
Radio Voice #3: I think its a bit of a stretch to just assume he's a Pulse l'Cie...
Radio Voice #2: Well, what kind of l'Cie do YOU think he is?
Radio Voice #3: ...uh, a dwarf l'Cie? I mean, look at him dig...
Radio Voice #1: For crying out loud. Have you EVER seen a dwarf l'Cie? Ever?
Radio Voice #3: There's a first time for everything.
Radio Voice #1: In the aftermath of a Purge?
Radio Voice #3: He could have gotten caught up in it...
Radio Voice #1: Trying to dig a Pulse l'Cie out of crystal?!
Radio Voice #3: She's shiny. I'd dig her out of there anytime...
Radio Voice #2: [disgusted sigh] Alright, radio silence on Jeff.
Radio Voice #1: Agreed.
Radio Voice #3: Hey! You can't just-

[Jeff is cut off mid-sentence, as a handful of Purple PSICOM soldiers drop down out of the aircraft, using those snazzy antigravity things to make the floor glow as they hit it after dropping from a great height. I think they're supposed to be used BEFORE you hit the ground, but eh, they look alright...somehow. The laws of science evidently don't apply if you're wearing PURPLE.]

Snow: Hi-HO! You gonna give me a hand or what?
Radio Voice #2: Who, us?
Snow: See anyone else here, other than the Hero?
Purple Soldier #5: I'm still here.
Snow: Nobody cares about you. You're not a Hero.
Radio Voice #2: Oh, god. The guys in the green division told us about this one. Thinks he's the Hero.
Snow: I AM the Hero!
Radio Voice #2: Alright, whatever, shut up. Commence cleanup protocol.
Purple Soldier #6: What's the cleanup protocol?
Purple Soldier #7: It means we're supposed to kill him now, moron.
Purple Soldier #6: OH! Awesome. I finally get to fire my gun again!
Purple Soldier #5: Just make sure you're standing in front of us this time. Remember the Golden Rule?
Purple Soldier #6: ...you want to get into a three-way with this guy? Is this really the time?
Purple Soldier #5: Not THAT Golden Rule! The other one!
Purple Soldier #6: Shoot the enemy?
Purple Soldier #5: Well done. Now, put it into practice.
Purple Soldier #6: Aye aye, Captain!
Radio Voice #1: I hear talking, but I don't see any cleanup! Come on, you guys are meant to be the smart ones! CLEANUP!
Purple Soldier #6: Yes...mother...
Snow: Cleanup? Allow the HERO to assist!
Purple Soldier #6: Wait, you're going to help us kill you?
Purple Soldier #5: No, he's implying that he's going to kill us.
Purple Soldier #6: OH...no, wait, that doesn't make any sense.
Purple Soldier #5: It's Big Boy Banter. Just ignore it and shoot him.
Purple Soldier #7: Hold on, boss...you can't just ignore Big Boy Banter. There are rules...you're supposed to monologue now about how he'll never be able to do it.
Purple Soldier #5: Oh, the for love of...SHUT UP AND SHOOT HIM!
Purple Soldier #7: You're opting for the "insane rage" response?
Purple Soldier #6: I dunno, boss...I just don't see that one working for you. You need to stand out for that, and you...well...you look exactly the same as us.
Purple Soldier #5: [sighs] I left University for THIS?

[Snow leaps into action, somehow knocking down three soldiers by throwing his improvised pickaxe at them - honestly, is it REALLY so hard to move out of the way these days? - and they all move back, seemingly afraid. Battle begins, with Snow against three of them...turns out they're called "PSICOM Rangers". Snow defeats the group with ease, then drops to his knees as a high-pitched whistle sounds in the background...a dog whistle, perhaps? At this point, his Dark Mark--I mean, l'Cie brand, begins to glow, summoning forth... two glowing mechanical lesbian sisters. Only in Final Fantasy.]

Purple Soldier #6: What's he doing?!
Purple Soldier #5: He's either powering up, or is about to explode.
Purple Soldier #6: Is this the part where we all turn around and walk away slowly?
Purple Soldier #5: ...I certainly hope so.

[The mechanical lesbians fire a beyblade at the PSICOM Rangers, knocking them all the ground, either unconscious or dead...with no fireballs or sparks coming from their suits. Odd. The scene zooms out then to show the butch woman in blue from the bar earlier watching the scene, with a brown-haired man who looks suspiciously like David Bowie, and some more soldiers, these ones in blue uniforms. At this point, Snow has to fight them...and the first thing they do is cast Doom on him. Fantuckingfastic. How does Snow respond to this? By switching to Sentinel and cowering, whilst the white one hammers away at him with the beyblade. Somehow, this works, and the mechanical lesbians - Styria and Nyx, collectively known as Shiva, who is supposed to wear far less clothing than what they do - respond to Snow's needs and desires...by transforming into a motorcycle...which Snow jumps on without hesitating. Lightning isn't going to like this one bit. However, in the next scene,
the motorcycle sisters are gone, and Snow passes out. Too much for him to handle, clearly. At this point, the butch woman in blue decides its safe to approach.]

Butch Woman: De Tuhwin Sissters. Eyev got ta and it two yoo four tayking em down, but downt glowt jist yit. Miyt cum a tyme yoo weesh yood let em end it, and mayd fings ezee.
Snow: I didn't understand a word you just said...you're no Hero!

[David Bowie a couple of blue PSICOM soldiers come up beside her.]

Butch Woman: Eez a lsee. Tayke im away.
David Bowie?: Ground Control to Major Tom! [short pause] Your circuit's dead, there's something wrong.
Radio Voice #1: I can hear you, and for the last time, I am NOT Major Tom!
Butch Woman: Gimme dat. [snatches the communicator from his hands.] Wee got a lsee ear four pikkup.
Radio Voice #1: I can't understand a word you're saying!
David Bowie?: You've got your mother in a whirl, she's not sure if you're a boy or girl...
Butch Woman: Downt goe dere aggen, asshole...
Radio Voice #1: I'm not your mother, either!
David Bowie?: You people just have no appreciation for good music.
Radio Voice #2: Says the guy who hangs around with Cid Raines all day.
Radio Voice #1: [laughs] You got him good there!
David Bowie?: You guys are so fired. Get your arses down here and pick this blond ape up.
Radio Voice #1: Alright, keep your shaggy hair on.
Snow: This Hero is not going anywhere without his Princess!
Butch Woman: Yoo wanna keep breefing? Shuttup and cum kweyet.
Snow: [looks helplessly at David Bowie?] Translation?
David Bowie?: [sigh] "You want to keep breathing? Shut up and come quiet."
Snow: Oh, right. [looks up at the Butch Woman] Why didn't you just say so?

[The Butch Woman looks at Snow in irritation for a moment, then cuffs him around the side of the head with one of her thunderous forearms, knocking him out cold. The screen goes black for a moment, and then we see a Blue Soldier trying to bring one of the gunships in for a landing.]

Blue Soldier #1: This way! Come on! Bring her down!
Radio Voice #1: Do I tell you guys how to shoot your guns? Shut up and let me concentrate!
Blue Soldier #1: You don't have to get bitchy, I'm only trying to help...

[The tail end of the ship promptly collides with a crystal outcropping, showing the hapless soldiers below with fragments]

Radio Voice #1: ...I meant to do that. All part of my plan! Clearing space for landing! Yeah! That was it!
Blue Soldier #1: ...pilots. [throws his hands up in disgust]
Blue Soldier #2: Beam me up, Scotty!
Radio Voice #1: That's "Scot" to you, mate.
Blue Soldier #2: Look, you gonna beam me up or not?
Radio Voice #1: No, you can take the damn stairs, and I hope you fall and break your neck.
Blue Soldier #3: Carrying this lug, that is quite possible...
Snow: [notices Serah being carried away on a magical floating stretcher and starts to struggle] Serah? SERAH!
Blue Soldier #2: Hey! Stay still, you're heavy enough as it is! What the hell did your mother feed you as a kid, rocks?
Blue Soldier #4: Oh, shut up already. [levels his gun at Snow, who glares in response...which has not quite the same effect that it does when Lightning does it.]

[The Butch Woman approaches]

Butch Woman: Stend down.
Blue Soldier #4: ...sorry?
Butch Woman: Ah sed, "stend down."
Blue Soldier #4: I heard what you said, I just didn't understand a word...did any of you guys get that?
Blue Soldier #2/3, Snow: Nope.
Butch Woman: Fukk de lot of yoo. [storms off]
Snow: That was actually pretty clear. Do you guys really not understand what she's saying?
Blue Soldier #4: Of course not. She's just such a gigantic bitch that we pretend not to.
Snow: You think that's bad? You should meet my sister in law...
Blue Soldier #4: Oh, really? You can tell us all about it on the way.
Snow: Where are we going?
Blue Soldier #4: Bugger if I know, the higher-ups don't tell me anything...

[The screen goes black, and we return to Sazh, Vanille, Hope and Lightning, who have just now taken off in their own gunship...which seems to be rather small. How on earth are they going to fit Snow, crystallised Serah, that butch woman and all those soldiers in just one of the things?!]

Sazh: Did I ever tell you guys I lost a ship just like this to a friend of mine in a game of cards? He gave it back to me for a while, as well...had to fly it straight down a narrow trench just like this one, fighters screaming after me.
Vanille: Oooh, what happened?
Sazh: I blew up the station and saved the world.
Lightning: [snort] Just concentrate on flying.
Sazh: Hey, at least MY story is believable.
Lightning: Maybe in a galaxy far, far away.
Sazh: Look, you wanna fly this thing?
Lightning: Not particularly.
Sazh: Then shut up and let me fly it.
Lightning: Fine, just stop filling my children's heads with crazy stories.
Sazh: ...did you just call them your children?
Lightning: No...oh, fuck...
Hope: Mommy!
Vanille: Mommy!

[Both get up and hug a rather aggravated Lightning, as the ship speeds its way up a narrow trench...whilst above, several odd-looking ships from the newest War of the Worlds movie unfurl their appendages and fire yellow lasers down the trench...]

Lightning: Stay on target...
Sazh: Agh!
Lightning: Stay on target!
Sazh: Shut up!
Lightning: Gimme that!

[Lightning wrenches the control stick from Sazh's hands (the one for the ship, that is) and fires some unseen guns, blowing up one of the ships in a spectacular fireball as the ship speeds past it...only to find itself bombarded by more gunfire as it breaks free of the trench and into the air. Oh dear.]

Vanille: We got one! Mommy, we got one!
Lightning: Great, kid. Don't get cocky.
Hope: They're still behind us!

[Our heroes speed over the ruins they just painstakingly crossed through...which get blown up at points due to poorly-aimed gunfire. Clearing the ruins, the ship banks into a narrow chasm, heading upwards towards the light.]

Hope: How are we gonna lose them?
Sazh: A chasm is good, but we could really use some asteroids...
Lightning: We could always make some. [fingers twitch towards the controls]
Sazh: Whilst we're IN the chasm? Get back, woman! I said BACK!
Lightning: ...spoilsport. [sits back in her seat and folds her arms]
Sazh: Other guys? They get beautiful princesses. What do I get? A whiny little brat, jailbait, and a woman who is more manly than I am intent on killing us all. Why me?
Vanille: Hey! I'll have you know I'm over five-hundred years old!
Sazh: Hahaha, right. You use that line on all the older men.
Vanille: Only the ones I like...[impish grin]

[Suddenly, the ship breaks free into white light...and then clouds! They made it! However, so did the other ships.]

Sazh: They're still on us?!
Lightning: What did you expect?
Sazh: I was hoping they'd all blow up trying to get through the chasm at the same time.
Vanille: That actually makes sense...it always happens.
Lightning: Well, it didn't. Now we're just a better target for them. Any more bright ideas?
Sazh: Yeah. How about I throw you at one of the ships?
Lightning: Let's go with my plan.
Sazh: Fine, but if we die, I'm coming back to haunt you.

[Cue another exciting chase scene, involving multiple enemy ships flown by qualified pilots who, despite all their years of experience, can't shoot down a single gunship, suffering from the same "bad aiming" syndrome as every grunt in every franchise
ever to exist. They enter another chasm, and this time Sazh shoots it out, flying through the gap just before it collapses...whilst the enemy gunships explode, leaving them scott-free. Oldest trick in the book. RIP, military intelligence. The screen
goes black, then we see Sazh banging his hand on the flight console...and he puts his afro through the screen, creating a static buzz.]

Sazh: For the love of all that's good! It takes hours to comb this to perfection!
Lightning: Not much love to be found there, then.
Sazh: Optimism, Lightning. Pass it on.
Lightning: I already passed it on to Vanille.
Vanille: And I passed it on to Hope!
Hope: Keep away from me, cootie-breath!
Aya Brea?: And now for an update on the status of the Purge.
Vanille: Oooh, this is convenient!
Hope: I wanna watch Mighty Morphin PSICOM Rangers!
Lightning: No. You know what that show does to you.
Hope: ...can I watch Fal'cietubbies, then?
Sazh: I don't even let MY kid watch that. Barty-Warty gives me the creeps...
Aya Brea?: Just moments ago, the Sanctum announced the successful conclusion of the Purge, along with the safe arrival of the Cocoon migrants to their new homes on Pulse.
Sazh: [shakes his head] I hate that woman, she's such a tool. What else is on? [taps the screen at random]
Emperor Palpatine?: It is with great reluctance that I accepted these emergency powers. I love democracy - I love Cocoon.
Al-Cid Margrace?: Primarch Dysley stood by the move, stressing the necessity of the relocation...in a personal statement, he also advised that viewers tuned into tonight's episode of, "The l'Cie" and also denied any involvement in the recent abduction of girl scouts.
Vanille: Honestly, is there any channel that DOESN'T have a cameo presenter?
Hope: Change the channel...he scares me.
Lightning: He scares everyone.
Vanille: [turns her own TV on watch the Primarch]
Primarch Dysley: I'm sorry, but I'm looking for a partner, not a Pulse l'Cie. Edna, you're Purged.
Vanille: That bastard Purged Edna! I don't believe it!
Hope: What channel is Mighty Morphin PSICOM Rangers on?
Lightning: I told you, you're not watching that. Don't make me come back there.
Vanille: Hey...who is this guy?
Sazh: [slams his head down on the console] What do they teach kids these days?
Hope: Well, we just finished "The Very Hungry Pulse Fal'Cie" in school the other day...
Vanille: Oh, I know who he is! I'm just pretending I don't, so as to give the viewers an explanation, unless they start to think that this game doesn't have a storyline...and we wouldn't want that!
Sazh: [sighs] Whatever. He's Galenth Dysley. The Sanctum Primarch. Host of "The Galenth Dysley Show", "The l'Cie", "The National Focus: Purge it to win it", "So you think you can Purge?", "Cocoon's Got Talent"...the list goes on.
Lightning: Just another tool of the media.

[All of a sudden, alarms start going off...the gunships that previously been firing on them, tired of being ignored, have decided to start firing again. Sazh, under pressure, decides to fly into the sunlight, blinding everyone in the cockpit...the clouds part, revealing...some kind of glowing battlestation thing?]

Vanille: Wow.
Hope: Is that...the Sun?
Lightning: That's no Sun...it's a Fal'Cie.
Sazh: Cocoon's own light in the sky.
Lightning: Fly in. We'll lose them in there.
Sazh: ...or get incinerated trying.

[Rather than try and shoot down the enemy ships - or, better yet, let the player have a go, since its been about thirty minutes now since we got to do anything, and no, I am not exaggerating - Sazh decides to fly the ship straight into the Fal'Cie...which, unsurprisingly, backfires, as the energy smashes the tail of their craft, sending them plummeting down to the ground...]
 
Chapter 7: The Peaks Are Alive With The Sound Of Whining

[...once again, our heroes survive that which would kill any mortal, and have crashed landed upon...the Vile Peaks, peaks that are vile, and never before have Peaks been so vile. Everyone - yes, even Hope - is miraculously thrown clear of the flaming wreckage of their ship. Predictably, Lightning is the first to recover from her not-quite-death.]

Lightning: It's a good thing I'm Lightning...otherwise that might have actually hurt me.

[She looks down at Hope.]

Lightning: It took crashing a ship to get this kid to shut up...

[Rather than give Lightning five minutes to catch her breath, she is almost immediately set upon by wild robotic cats. The same old battle music starts playing in the background...never a good sign. Lightning glances down at Sazh and Vanille, who are lying in a pose that would make fanfiction writers squeal in delight and immediately start typing up a crappy fanfiction, and realises she's on her own...the screen fades as she moves to face them, and then suddenly Vanille is awake! What the hell? She was out cold five seconds ago! After vigorously shaking Sazh awake, she runs to Lightning's side.]

Vanille: Ready!
Sazh: Ready.
Vanille: It's l'Cie Time!
Sazh: ...what?
Vanille: You two say it as well! We'll make all the robot kitties explode in a six-storey high fireball!
Sazh: You hit your head on something in the crash, girl?
Lightning: She's always been like that. Are you just noticing it now?
Sazh: That was weird, even for her.
Lightning: Whatever. Less talking, more killing.
Sazh: Well, its nice to know that you didn't break anything...

[Battle commences. Despite internal bleeding, concussions and broken bones, our heroes triumph once again. Realism. Gotta love it. After battle, Sazh collapses as though he's been running a mile, and Vanille lapses into...uh, some kind of orgasm fit.]

Vanille: Aaaaah! Glad that's over!
Sazh: You and me both...all these battles...is there anywhere on this rock that doesn't have monsters?
Vanille: Not as long as we're on it, nope.
Sazh: Fantastic.
Hope: [wakes up] Uuugh, Mommy, I had the strangest dream...I was in a ship with a black guy and this really scary hairy beast thing...

[Hope takes in his surroundings as he comes back into consciousness, also sporting no injuries.]

Hope: Oh...
Sazh: Two out of three ain't bad, kid.
Lightning: Less talking, more walking.
Sazh: We ain't soldiers! We ain't got your kind of stamina!
Lightning: Don't I know it...

[short pause]

Sazh: ...that was a low, low blow, Lightning.
Hope: What are they talking about?
Vanille: Grown-up stuff, Hopey-Wopey-Mopey. Nothing to worry about.
Sazh: Forget it. I'm taking a break.

[Lightning walks off. Good for her.]

Hope: Uh...where is mummy going?
Sazh: Don't know, don't care. I'd stick with her if I were you.
Hope: Why?
Sazh: Because, kid, you're beginning to get on my nerves.
Hope: Oh...okay...later then, uncle Sazh, sis.

[Hope skips off after Lightning, leaving Sazh with...Vanille. Uh-oh.]

Sazh: ...why are you still here?
Vanille: You can't wander around on your own, silly!
Sazh: Trenchcoat is.
Vanille: His voice hurts my ears.
Sazh: I know that feeling...all too well.
Vanille: Come on. Let's get going!
Sazh: Get going to where, exactly? We got no idea where we are, the whole of Cocoon's against us, the place is crawling with monsters, and I'm stuck with you. Dying sounds pretty good right about now.
Vanille: So, what do YOU want to do? [grins]
Sazh: ...alright, let's get going.
Vanille: Yay! Yay! Yay!
Sazh: I think I should have sent you to go with Lightning instead of the kid...
Vanille: [gasps] You dirty old man!
Sazh: Hey, shut up.

[And we are now back in control of Sazh, who runs like pedobear. Fantastic. Just as our heroes reach a fork in the road, a canister (possibly the one Hope was climbing earlier) destroys the bridge! Prompting another cutscene. So much for some actual gameplay.]

Sazh: End of the road.
Vanille: But at least its not the end of the line!
Sazh: It might as well be. Do you see anywhere else to go?
Vanille: Well...no. But maybe if we have a flashback, another path will magically appear when the game focuses on us again!

[Cue the oddly-timed flashback! We're back in the seaside city at night, with the fireworks, Snow and Serah singing "A Whole New World" somewhere in the background, and we see Vanille running amongst the crowd. Well, it was her idea, so its only logical it would be her flashback, I suppose. The annoyingly light-hearted standard theme starts playing, and Vanille says a prayer. Perhaps she'll start dancing on the waterfront in a minute. The game tells us its Friday! Friday! Uh, I mean, its Day 11, and then we see Lightning watching the fireworks as well. Lightning. Watching the fireworks. Like a human. Around humans. Not killing anything. Maybe this is a messed-up dream, and not a flashback. At this point, Mario sneaks up behind her. Well, that answers that question, doesn't it?]

Mario: Itsa me, Mario! Hello!
Lightning: Huh?
Mario: You looka dreamy, Farron. And you calla yourself a soldier!
Lightning: Sorry, Lieutenant. But I don't think guard duty is my calling, sir.
Mario: Ah, you gotta someplace you'd rather be? Tougha shit! I gotta save my wife from her evil ex, and you don'ta hear me complaining! Getta back to work!
Lightning: ...
Mario: PSICOM founda something in the Vestige nearby. We in a whole lotta trouble now.
Lightning: Sorry Sir, but I think their Fal'Cie is in another Vestige.
Mario: Shaddappa your mouth, beeyatch.
Lightning: Yes, sir.
Mario: You-a takin' tomorrow off, ya?
Lightning: Sir, for my birthday, sir. My sister, she insisted on it.
Mario: You have a birthday?! How olda you goin to be?
Lightning: ...twenty-one.
Mario: [snorts] Yeah, iffa you say so, soldier. Anyway, mebbe itsabouta time I sent off a letter of recommendation for officertraining, eh?
Lightning: Lieutenant?
Mario: Justa the sight of ya face givesa me the heebie jeebies! Figure now is as gooda time as any to get you outta my hair.
Lightning: ...or whats left of it.
Mario: Youa say something?
Lightning: No, sir.
Mario: Alrighty then. Keepa your nose outta trouble.
Lightning: You mean PSICOM business, sir?
Mario: Yup. Nothing butta grief will come of it. Now, go and make-a me a pizza pie!
Lightning: Yes, sir. [under her breath] Ass.

How right you were, Lieutenant.
Hey! Are you NARRATING?
...what?
Shut up! I'M the narrator for this game, you platinum-pink hussy!
Oh, WHATEVER.
Yeah, you'd better run scared, because when we next meet, I'm ripping you a new one...beeyatch.

[Back we go to reality/the present, to see Lightning walking along a pathway...somewhere. Presumably thousands of miles away from where Vanille and Sazh are waiting for a new pathway to appear. Lightning pauses, to allow Hope to catch up. No! Run faster, you fool! It's a trap!]

Hope: You walk too fast, mommy!
Lightning: ...why did it have to be you that followed me?
Hope: Uncle Sazzie told me to.
Lightning: Well, I'm telling you to go back.
Hope: I don't know where to go...[sniffles]
Lightning: [disgusted sigh] Oh, fine. But we're going to establish some ground rules.
Hope: I like rules!
Lightning: No talking, no singing, no breathing loudly, no crying, no asking stupid questions, no talking about anyone else that gets on my nerves, no throwing that boomerang around, no stopping for snacks, breaks or any other kind of reason you might dream up for stopping, no calling me mommy or anything similar, no holding hands, no hugs, no cuddling up next to me for the night when we finally DO stop for a rest, and absolutely NO references. Are we clear?
Hope: ...
Lightning: ARE WE CLEAR?
Hope: You said I wasn't allowed to talk!
Lightning: ...oh. Right. OK then. Let's go.

[Now we focus on Lightning and Hope, at a location creatively called "Wrack and Ruin" of the Vile Peaks. Looks more or less the same as any other area, to be honest. After rather a large amount of running around, Hope's strength gives out...at a conveniently placed dead end. Could it be time for another cutscene?]

Hope: I can't go...any further...
Lightning: What did I say about talking?
Hope: Yes, mommy...
Lightning: Ugh...
Hope: So...do you think we can get through this way?
Lightning: I could, if I was here by myself. I can scale cliff walls, because I'm Lightning Farron.
Hope: You've been here before, right?
Lightning: I've been here on missions before.
Hope: Missions? Nothing to do with the Purge, though...right?
Lightning: If I answer your questions, will you shut up?
Hope: ...maybe.
Lightning: [sigh] Fine. The Purge is PSICOM's baby.
Hope: Who did PSICOM have a baby with?
Lightning: It was a figure of speech.
Hope: Oh...where do babies come from?
Lightning: They fall from the sky once every thousands years.
Hope: Is that what a baby shower is?
Lightning: Yes. Anyway, the military is split into two branches - Professional Soldier Institutional Center Of Morons, which is PSICOM, and the Guardian Corps.
Hope: What about the Mighty Morphin PSICOM Rangers?
Lightning: They don't exist.
Hope: Liar. I saw them on TV.
Lightning: Ugh, whatever. Anyway, I was part of the Guardian Corps. In Bodhum.
Hope: I don't get it.
Lightning: Why am I not surprised?
Hope: If you're not with PSICOM, why did you get on the train?
Lightning: For Serah.

[Cue another flashback! This one seems to be set in Balamb--uh, I mean, Bodhum Train Station, on Day 13. Miserable people are boarding the train.]

Random Soldier #10: Join the queue, you bloody peasants!
Random Soldier #11: Hey, Gary! Don't be such a jerk!
Random Soldier #10: Shut up! I'm in charge of this operation!
Random Soldier #11: No you're not! You're a random grunt! You have no authority whatsoever!
Random Soldier #10: Dave, please! Not in front of the peasants!
Random Soldier #11: That's Mr. Robinson to you! You lost the right to call me Dave when you left me!
Random Soldier #10: I told you, that was never going to work! I have a girlfriend!
Random Soldier #11: Yeah, you have a girlfriend NOW. You didn't when you started seeing me!
Random Soldier #12: Argue about your lives later! We need to get these people onto the train NOW, or its going to be delayed!
Random Soldier #10: Its a train. OF COURSE its going to be delayed! Can you remember the last time a train ever ran on time?
Random Soldier #12: That isn't the point!
Random Soldier #11: Relax. We get paid by the hour anyway.
Random Soldier #12: You want to be here when all hell breaks loose?
Random Soldier #10: I will be, I pulled the night shift.
Random Soldier #11: Ha! Serves you right, you little bitch!
Random Soldier #10: Oh, shut up, MR. ROBINSON.
Random Soldier #12: ENOUGH!

[At this point, a couple of people decide to try and make a break for it, prompting a short chase scene...which ends with the soldiers getting bored and shooting the runaways, off screen. How undignified.]

Random Soldier #12: GET ON THE BLOODY TRAIN! NOW!
Random Soldier #10: All hail Joe...
Random Soldier #11: All hail Joe indeed...

[At this point, Lightning walks down the road.]

Random Soldier #12: MY GOD! What the hell is that?! Is that a man, or a woman?
Random Soldier #10: I think it might be both...I dated someone like that once, you know. Real treasure.
Random Soldier #11: [snorts] Yeah, you've dated everything on two legs, Gary. You dated the Primarch as well, huh?
Random Soldier #10: Not the time, Dave, and I told you, it wasn't like that, he's an old friend of the family, and oh god, its looking right at me...
Random Soldier #12: [notices Lightning's flashy shoulder bars] Oh, you're one of these freaks from the Guardian Corps. What are YOU doing here? Piss off, this is a PSICOM operation.
Lightning: I want to be Purged.
Random Soldier #10: Lost the will to live? I would as well, looking as butch as you do.
Random Soldier #11: When was the last time you took that helmet off and looked in a mirror, Gary?
Random Soldier #10: Will you SHUT UP?
Random Soldier #12: [sigh] Ignore them. You do know only civs get Purged, right? Sanctum staff and soldiers are exempt.
Lightning: Then I quit.
Random Soldier #12: ...whatever. Line up, and try not to make eye contact. You're scaring the deportees.

[Lightning walks to the back of queue. Sazh notices, and decides to follow her.]

Sazh: Hey, lady. Uh, you ARE a lady, right? Anyway...what gives?
Lightning: I volunteered.
Sazh: Really? You don't look like the type to go quietly.
Lightning: I'm not.
Sazh: [sigh] I really hope I'm not sitting next to you on the train...

I had to rescue Serah before they transported the Vestige to Pulse, and out of my reach. My only chance to save her was to join the Purge.
STOP NARRATING!
Shut UP, Vanille!

[Back to reality...]

Hope: Wow! Tell me another story, mommy!
Lightning: [sigh] I give up. I'm leaving you here. You're an annoying little brat.

[Lightning promptly vaults up the rubble, leaving Hope alone. FINALLY. Leaving Hope to sit alone and miserable on his own, we go back to Sazh and Vanille, who haven't appeared to have found what they're looking for...]

Vanille: One...two...three...UP WE GO!

[Vanille promptly vaults up a pile of rubble, leaving Sazh to stare up her skirt in wonder. This glorious view is blocked by Sazh's Afro Chocobo, before Sazh starts climbing up...slightly further head, Vanille is jumping to and from things like she's Mario or something.]

Sazh: Ugh...I can't keep up with this girl!
Vanille: I'm just over here, I can hear you monologuing!
Sazh: Well, it ain't like I get a word of sense out of you!

[Back to Sazh and Vanille...and it turns out now that the enemies will fight each other on the map. No doubt because Sazh and Vanille are absolutely useless characters and, since this game is so tremendously difficult, it needs to be made even easier.]

Sazh: Why are the robots fighting each other?
Vanille: We must be on the dark of Cocoon! We need to get out of here, NOW!
Sazh: What are you worked up about NOW?
Vanille: I don't want to be worthless eye candy! I want a proper role in the story!
Sazh: OK, whatever. Shall we kill them all?
Vanille: But...this is all we ever wanted! Fighting robots! No human interference!
Sazh: If we don't fight them, we don't get past them.
Vanille: Oh, fine. I never really cared about who won anyway, and some of them might rap...

[Enter a three-way battle with robots, who are too busy killing one another to notice you're there. Now in cinemas for the third time. After the short, ridiculously easy battle, Sazh and Vanille approach a random console in the middle of the path.]

Sazh: Never seen a rig like THIS before.
Vanille: Are you sure you should be doing that?
Sazh: What's the worst that could happen?

[He flips a couple if switches at random. An ominous rumbling can be heard in the background, along with a faint orange glow, plus what looks like the shredded corpse of a distinctly butch woman...oh dear.]

Sazh: ...alright. Here we go.

[He tries again. This time, it pulls a heap of junk out the way, opening a new linear pathway to run down! Hurray! Some more three-way battles, flip-switching and straight-line Sazh pedobear running later...and we come across Hope. Way to spoil the mood.]

Hope: Vannie! Uncle Sazzie!
Sazh/Vanille: Don't ever call me that again.
Hope: [hangs his head, sniffling]
Sazh: Where's Grumpy?
Hope: She ditched me.
Vanille: That wasn't very nice!
Sazh: Understandable, though. Think I'll climb after her and leave you two to catch up...
Vanille: Don't even think about it, Mister!
Hope: This is pointless. Can't keep up. Can't get home. It's over for me.
Sazh: Oh boy...is this going to take long?
Vanille: He's probably been working on this since Lighty left him. Better let him get on with it.
Sazh: Can't I just knock him out?
Vanille: The longer you put it off, the worse it will be.
Sazh: Fantastic. Alright, kid. Let it out.
Vanille: It's not over! We'll get you home!
Hope: I don't have one. Now that Mom is-
Sazh: Well, if you don't have a home, why are you complaining about not being able to get back to it?
Vanille: What about your dad?

[Cue another flashback, with Hope watching the fireworks of Day 11 this time. Did they run out of ideas for locations, or something? How is it that with EVERYONE watching these damn fireworks, they didn't once meet one another? Anyways, disturbing errors in writing, presentation and everything else aside, Hope is there with his mother, who still hasn't been given a name. Moms are too tough for names.]

Middle-aged woman: Not making a wish, Hope?
Hope: I wish I had a normal voice...
Middle-aged woman: Well, now that you've told me, it'll never come true! You'll be stuck like that forever!
Hope: Wishing on fireworks is for little kids, anyway!
Middle-aged woman: You ARE a little kid, Hope.
Hope: Meh. What did you wish for?
Middle-aged woman: ..that next year, your father could come with us.
Hope: Why? It's better like this. We don't need him.
Middle-aged woman: If you're going to throw a tantrum, you can do it in the car. Behave yourself, NOW.

That night, they found the Fal'Cie in the Bodhum Vestige. The next day, soldiers sealed off the town and we couldn't get back to Palumpolum.

STOP narrating your flashbacks! First Lighty, now you! I am so smacking you when we get out of this screen!

Vanille: Palumpolum...I wonder how many back attacks occur in that city.
Hope: They forced us onto the train with everyone else. My mom, she was frantic. She wanted to get us home, so she tried to fight. She got tricked, by Snow! He used her!
Sazh: ...is that it? Can we move on now? Jeez...
Vanille: Let's get you home, OK? Your dad's got to be worried!
Hope: Let him worry! Why should I care? He doesn't.
Sazh: Oh boy, he's got abandonment issues as well.

[Sazh walks away and starts playing with more random machinery. A new pathway opens up as a result. Shock horror.]

Sazh: Let's get you back home. Your dad will be happy to see you...and I'll be happy to get rid of you. I sure hope my little boy doesn't act like you when he's older...

[Cue some more running and jumping! The first thing you do is make some rather impossible leaps...which Hope also does with ease. He couldn't follow Lightning when she did this earlier because...? After exploring yet another linear pathway, our heroes come across a wrecked ship to chatter about. Are we ever going to get to actually PLAY this game?]

Vanille: Isn't that a-
Sazh: A warship from Pulse.
Vanille: I thought it was a-
Sazh: It's a warship from Pulse.
Vanille: But it looks like a-
Sazh: A warship from Pulse.
Vanille: ...oh. You mean, they made it this far?
Sazh: Of course not. They might have tried. But none of their forces made it into Cocoon.
Vanille: So, Mr. Smartypants, why is there a Pulse warship here?
Sazh: The Sanctum Fal'Cie pushed them back. What, you sleep through history?
Vanille: More or less. I mean, nobody is going to remember all this pointless stuff!
Hope: The fal'Cie gathered up scrap from Pulse, and used it for rebuilding here.
Vanille: So we're in a junkyard. How appropriate.
Sazh: You been ignoring the scenery since we crashed here, or something?
Hope: All that's left is a bunch of garbage...
Vanille: Funny how the scenery reflects the reality sometimes, isn't it?
Sazh: Yup. Let's keep moving.

[After another little sequence of running and battling, during which the scene becomes a little less rugged and a little more constructed, with some platforms and whatnot...Lightning dramatically jumps down from somewhere off-screen. Yeah, I lied, she didn't die in an explosion. My most sincere apologies for getting your hopes up.]

Lightning: ...oh, fucking hell.
Hope: I thought you ditched me!
Lightning: I did.
Sazh: But you should be miles ahead of us! How did we catch up to you so quickly?
Vanille: The game slowed her down so we could conveniently meet up at this point.
Sazh: What's so special about this point?
Vanille: Nothing. Just another little detail that makes no sense whatsoever.
Sazh: You sure you're not just making this stuff up?
Vanille: Fairly sure.
Sazh: What is THAT supposed to mean?
Vanille: That I'm about as clueless as the rest of you, and I can break the fourth wall, showing just how confusing all of this really is.
Sazh: You're too dainty to be breakin' any walls, girl.
Vanille: So you HAVE been checking me out!
Sazh: Uh, well...
Vanille: You dirty old perv!
Sazh: Hey, Lightning. Help a guy out here?
Lighting: Hmph. [walks off]
Sazh: Would it kill her to smile?
Vanille: Every time Lighty smiles, a puppy dies.
Hope: Mommy sure is scary...

[And now, Lightning takes charge of the situation, although we still maintain control of Sazh, who can somehow operate all of the machinery along the path. After a little while, our heroes encounter one of those mechs from FFVI...which promptly activates and starts attacking.]

Sazh: What is that?!
Lightning: Pulse armament.
Vanille: Oh! A boss battle! That explains why we stumbled across Lighty earlier!
Sazh: And that's bad for us, isn't it?
Lightning: You have eyes, don't you?
Vanille: Of course he does. But they're too busy staring up my skirt!
Sazh: [sigh] Women...

[Enter battle with Terra's mech from FFVI! Unpiloted, alas. You didn't really think there would be a CAMEO in this game, did you? In any case, this thing takes a while to kill...and then it decides to blow up the floor and make you fight it AGAIN with all its health restored! After an annoyingly long (and still rather easy) battle, Lightning, Sazh and Vanille (Hope vanished again to who knows where) turn away from the mech and slowly walk away as it erupts into a fireball.]

Sazh: Pulse is crawling with things like that, isn't it?
Lightning: Got me. Not even the Corps has access to intel on Pulse. Soldiers in the field fight blind.
Sazh: Yeah, I noticed that. But don't you need to know exactly what you're up against?
Lightning: Target's a target.
Sazh: You...like to keep it simple, don't you?
Lightning: I stick to my goal.
Sazh: You have a goal now?
Lightning: Yep.
Sazh: You, maybe...wanna tell me what it is?
Lightning: Nope.
Sazh: Didn't think so. Shall we move on?
Hope: As long as you have a goal, you can fight?
Vanille: Where the hell did YOU come from?!
Hope: I've been standing here this whole time.
Vanille: You were nowhere to be seen for the last half hour!
Hope: I've been running right behind you this entire time!
Vanille: These plotholes are starting to eat away at my sanity...

[Time to start moving again...and Hope has vanished AGAIN. Where the hell does he keep disappearing to?! After running down the shortest corridor EVER, its time for Sazh and Lightning to have a heart-to-heart on top of a random pile of junk...]

Sazh: Not much of a future for us, huh?
Lightning: Hard to picture a happy ending.
Sazh: We don't even know where to go...
Lightning: [in an annoying, singsong tone] I do.
Sazh: Huh?
Lightning: There. [looks up]
Sazh: Eden? The Sanctum's seat of power. Oh, that's a GREAT idea. Just charge right in there. Give 'em a taste of l'Cie terror!
Lightning: Why not?
Sazh: You're SERIOUS?!
Lightning: I'm not dying a fal'Cie slave.
Sazh: So, what are you going to do?
Lightning: Destroy it.
Sazh: Figures...that's your answer to everything, isn't it?
Lightning: I don't take orders from fal'Cie. How I live is up to me.
Sazh: Never mind that a Pulse fal'Cie made you a l'Cie, and they want nothing more than to destroy Cocoon, which is what you'll do if you destroy Eden. Soldier logic. Brilliant.
Lightning: Our Focus doesn't matter!
Vanille: Really? I thought it was the whole point of this game! If our Focus doesn't matter, why are we even bothering with all this? Seems like one big waste of time to me...
Lightning: Don't worry. I'm after the Sanctum. I'm not out to destroy the world.
Vanille: [snort] As if you'd succeed. Destroying the world only works for supervillains. Come to think of it, I wonder where our main villain is...or if we even have one. Sure is getting boring with just us.
Lightning: If it did come to that, I wonder if our "Hero" would try to stop me?
Sazh: You want to fight Snow now? Just like that, and you're enemies?
Lightning: Are you kidding me? I've hated him ever since he slept with my jailbait sister...and then proposed to her.

[Lightning walks off...again.]

When the fear sank in, it tore us all apart. I'm not entirely sure what we're all so afraid of, though - nobody has any idea of what is down on Pulse, PSICOM soldiers are easy to kill, and since we're the main protagonists, it's fairly obvious we're not going to die. Lightning was suffering. Reaching out to us. But none of us could see it. Even if we had, I doubt we'd give
a damn - I know I wouldn't. She's a sadistic, butch, antisocial bitch who has about as much depth of personality as Kratos from God of War. Give it another few hours and I bet she'd start ripping our heads off. I'm glad she left.

Hope: Snow deserves it!

[Hope runs off after Lightning...despite the fact that she ditched him the first time. Doesn't that kid ever learn?]

If only I'd pushed him over the Hanging Edge when I had the chance, none of this ever would have happened...
 
Chapter 8: I Hope he gets struck by Lightning

[So, our heroes have finally gone their separate ways...again. I wonder how long it'll last this time. In any case, Lightning doesn't seem too happy that Hope has elected to follow her...again.]

Hope: Mommy! Wait for me!
Lightning: We already tried this. It didn't work. Go back to the others. Now.
Hope: I'm going with you.
Lightning: I can't babysit you anymore.
Hope: You didn't babysit me to begin with! You left me! You're a terrible mommy!
Lightning: Stop calling me that!
Hope: I can fight! I'm not afraid!

[Lightning considers this for a moment - as disbelieving as the rest of us, no doubt - but is interrupted by the arrival of another group of PSICOM soldiers. Hope reacts in his predictable way.]

Hope: AAAAAAH! PSICOM!

[He hides behind Lightning's thunderous thighs, which do an excellent job at obscuring his small frame from view. Finally, we found a use for them. Lightning reacts in her predictable way: she doesn't react at all.]

Random soldier #13: It's dangerous for a father to be taking her kid out for a walk around these parts. Lots of Pulse l'Cie about these days.
Random Soldier #14: Uh, boss, I think that dude's a chick...
Random Soldier #13: Pshaw! Get out of here! I know a dude when I see one!
Random Soldier #14: Uh, boss...
Random Soldier #15: You two are COMPLETELY overlooking the fact that he...she...whatever it is, is probably one of those Pulse l'Cie we've been looking for.
Random Soldier #13: You're kidding me! That kid, a Pulse l'Cie? He's pissed himself with fear!
Lightning: ...you haven't.
Hope: Sorry, mommy...
Lightning: [sigh]
Random Soldier #15: Look, there's an easy way to settle this: ask them.
Random Soldier #13: Good idea! Hey...uh...person. Have you seen any Pulse l'Cie around here?
Lightning: Yes.
Random Soldier #13: You have? Fantastic! I don't suppose you could point us in their direction, could you?
Lightning: No problem.

[Lightning turns to point at a cowering Hope, to the collective gasps of the PSICOM soldiers]

Random Soldier #14: OH. EM. GEE. NO. WAI.
Random Soldier #15: HA! I was right!
Random Soldier #13: Yeah, alright, nobody likes a smart arse, Jeremy.
Random Soldier #15: I recall Alicia saying to both of us that she liked a man of intellect.
Random Soldier #13: [groans] Not at work, Jeremy...
Random Soldier #15: Not at work, not at home, not at the dinner table. It's never a good time for you!
Random Soldier #13: That's because I'm still trying to come up with a plan to get her to fall for me over you...
Random Soldier #14: Uh, guys...Pulse l'Cie, right in front of us. We going to kill them, or what?
Random Soldier #13: Well, I don't think we should kill the...uh...pink-haired person. Not after they were so helpful. Seems a bit uncalled for. Not at all what PSICOM stands for. We don't kill innocent people!
Random Soldier #15: Are you a Pulse l'Cie as well, dude?
Lightning: Yes. What of it?
Random Soldier #15: Well, then we've got no problems; we're supposed to kill them both.
Random Soldier #13: Ah-hah! I've got it! I'm ordering you to be silent from now on.
Random Soldier #15: But I-
Random Soldier #13: SILENCE! Or I'll see to it that not even the Galenth Dysley Show will take you on as a guest!
Random Soldier #15: [sighs] Yes...Sir.
Random Soldier #13: Now, enough expository banter! It is time we fight like ladies! And men! And...ladies who dress like men? Is that what you are?
Lightning: ...
Random Soldier #14: It's a fair question; you don't need to get so huffy about it. Oh, whatever.

[At this point, Random Soldier #13 decides to blow up some rubble to seal off our heroes' escape...rubble that is position directly behind them.]

Random Soldier #13: AHAHAHA! THERE SHALL BE NO ESCAPE!
Random Soldier #14: Wait, boss...how did we get explosives BEHIND them, when we've just come up the path?
Random Soldier #13: Say what?
Random Soldier #14: This is the first time we've come here. How did explosives get in that rubble?
Random Soldier #13: Maybe...it was a time paradox, or something?
Random Soldier #14: You can't use that as an excuse to fill in the plotholes, boss.
Random Soldier #13: Shut up! I can do whatever I want!
Random Soldier #14: [sighs]

[Battle begins! It turns out that Hope is actually more useful than Lightning is, because he has the magical capabilities of a small nuke. Consistency is nice! Victory comes swiftly.]

Lightning: ...not bad.
Hope: Thanks, mommy!
Lightning: What's it going to take to get you to stop calling me that?
Hope: ...can you bring my real mommy back?
Lightning: Maybe.
Hope: OK! I'll just call you mommy in the meantime, then!
Lightning: ...

[Scene change! The screen cuts to the dynamic duo of Sazh and Vanille, who are watching the smoke cloud caused by Lightning and Hope's little adventures.]

Sazh: Uh-oh. Army's out to play.
Vanille: Yay! I wanna play!
Sazh: It was a figure of speech!
Vanille: So...what now?
Sazh: We avoid them?
Vanille: We should run!
Sazh: Wha?
Vanille: If we rush in now, we'll just get in her way, and we won't develop our characters!
Sazh: Why do you always have to end your sentences with...whatever the hell that was?
Vanille: Because I'm the annoying peppy girl of this game!
Sazh: You got that right...well, it's not like Lightning needs any help...
Vanille: ...and it's not like we want to give her any help...
Sazh: ...so if she dies, taking out a few of those soldiers...
Vanille: ...it means we can get out of here and retire!
Sazh: You're too young to retire.
Vanille: Nuh-uh! I'm 518 years old!
Sazh: Sure you are, sugar. Let's go.

[Sazh and Vanille walk off in the opposite direction...and the scene changes, back to Lightning and Hope, who have stood in silence for this entire time, probably.]

Hope: There will be more soldiers. We should keep moving.
Lightning: ...
Hope: Mommy? Are you worried about the others? I'm sure they're OK!
Lightning: ...
Hope: Mommy?
Lightning: Did your mother have a rule about you talking?
Hope: Yeah...she said I shouldn't do it, under any circumstances.
Lightning: I like that rule. Let's put it into practice.
Hope: But...
Lightning: NOT ANOTHER WORD. We're going through the Gapra Whitewood to Palumpolum. Then we find transport to Eden. Then we kill Fal'Cie.
Hope: I live in Palumpolum! I can show you all the shortcuts!
Lightning: No side trips.
Hope: But there's this really awesome store that-
Lightning: NO SIDE TRIPS.
Hope: [sniffles] Yes, mommy.

[Time for some running along the Scavenger's Trail! Hurray! It's been...what, fifteen minutes since we last got to do some running? What a refreshing change of pace! After a while - about five minutes; nothing lasts forever, it seems - we enter another cutscene.]

Random Soldier #16: Any sign of the l'Cie?
Random Soldier #17: Nothing. No sign it's been activated.
Random Soldier #16: That wasn't what I asked.
Random Soldier #17: Yeah, I heard you. It was a stupid question. I'm looking at a Juggernaut thing. If you want to know if there are any sign of the l'Cie, try looking around.

[Random Soldier #16 looks around...and immediately spots Lightning and Hope. I thought they were HIDING. Way to go, guys.]

Random Soldier #16: Huh? Who's there!
Lightning: Ah, crap.
Random Soldier #16: Ah-hah! Bet you l'Cie scum thought you could hide, didn't you?
Lightning: That was the general idea.
Random Soldier #16: Well, it didn't work!
Lightning: I can see that.
Random Soldier #17: I apologise for him; he's not on top form today.
Lightning: It's fine. He'll be dead in a minute anyway.
Random Soldier #16: Pretty big talk from such a little lady!
Lightning: ...ugh. Can we just get this over with?
Random Soldier #17: Let's...this is embarassing.

[Five seconds later...]

Hope: What was PSICOM doing here?
Lightning: Looking for us?
Hope: Oh. Right.
Lightning: They probably thought we'd use a Pulse machine to try and escape.
Hope: [eyes sparkle] This isn't just ANY Pulse Machine...it's an AT-ST!
Lightning: AT-ST?
Hope: All Terrain Scout Transport. They use it for scouting.
Lightning: You don't say.
Hope: I've got an action figure of one of these at home! Can we ride in it? PLEASE?
Lightning: No.
Hope: But-
Lightning: NO.
Hope: Hey, what does this do?
Lightning: Don't touch that!
Hope: But what if it works?
Lightning: Leave it!

[Too late. Against Lightning's wishes - he's such a disobedient brat - Hope has climbed up into the cockpit, and with all the proficiency he had shown earlier for piloting a complex motorcycle, has got it to work. What the hell is with this kid?

Cue a minigame...in which you must trample all your enemies. But then, a minigame might be a bad idea for a game like this: who knows what you'll get out of it? Might be best to just avoid doing it; it might be a waste of your time. After all, minigames are just self-gratification for the older, outdated generation of gamers, the ones that like open worlds and games like Final Fantasy XII. Gasp!

...ahem. Several squashed enemies and blown apart gateways - Hope is also a vandal, it appears - later, the machine runs out of power...or Hope crashes it. Possibly both, although in which order is anyone's guess. He narrowly avoids getting crushed by it as he tumbles out.]

Lightning: Are you done now?
Hope: Yes, mommy...
Lightning: Good. What have we learned?
Hope: The next time I'm told to leave something alone, to leave it alone?
Lightning: Good boy. Now, hurry up.
Hope: Just need a minute...still a bit winded...
Lightning: You should have thought of that before you started driving the giant mechanical monster. Get a move on.
Hope: Hey! Wait up!

[...back in control already? Turns out the rewards for doing that random minigame were negligible...WASTE OF TIME. Oh dear. Time for some more corridor running, interspersed by jumping into little glowing blue hoops that have no visible source. Turns out we've got quite a long way to run. But it was only a matter of time before, upon reaching a waterfall which has absolutely no place being in the middle of a junkyard, one of our protagonists would tire...two guesses as to which one.]

Hope: [trips and falls rather unceremoniously on the makeshift metal bridge] Ouchies...
Lightning: This isn't working.
Hope: Huh?
Lightning: You're a liability. Worse, you're a teenager.
Hope: What?
Lightning: You're just slowing me down. I can't protect you when-

[Lightning is cut off quite suddenly as her heart - she actually has one? - starts to glow an eerie red. Looks like that ominous background music that's been playing for the last half a minute had a point to it after all. Hope doesn't appear to have noticed, however.]

Hope: You can't leave me here! You've gotta take me with you!
Lightning: ENOUGH! My chest is GLOWING here!
Hope: It's always "Me, me, me!" with you! Well, what about ME? Your sister isn't dead; she's just sleeping. I'M the one who had their mother killed by Snow! I'M the one who everyone hates who nobody is nice to who doesn't have a clue where he is or what he's doing who hasn't slept in HOURS and needs to stop but can't because you keep on insisting that we go on even though you know how tired I am and that I can't do this and that I need you to protect me because you're my new mommy and is your chest glowing?
Lightning: ...are you done?
Hope: Yeah, I'm all better now.
Lightning: Good. Now shut up and let me concentrate!

[Lightning claps her hands and places them onto the floor, creating a large purple transmutation circle. Uh-oh. Looks like she's decided to try and bring back Hope's mother after all, if only to get him to stop following her. But human transmutation never goes well. Lightning leaps out of the circle, which promptly explodes, revealing...an armoured figure. Way to go, Lightning.]

Hope: ...mommy?
Lightning: This CANNOT be happening.
Armoured Man: What did you just see?
Lightning: But-
Armoured Man: What did you JUST see?
Lightning: ...
Hope: Are you my mommy?
Armoured Man: I am no mortal's mother! I am Odin!
Lightning: What, as in the Norse God?
Odin: No, as in the Online Dakota Information Network.
Lightning: Wha-
Odin: OF COURSE I'm that Odin, you foolish mortal!
Lightning: OK...then why are you here?
Odin: I was brought here by your corrupt heart and gross negligence of this poor, unfortunate soul! You are to be commended. Nobody likes him! He deserves all of the abuse you deliver to him...this is what I would like to say. Alas, I am supposed to be a benevolent God, so I must punish you for it.
Lightning: Wait! You said you're a BENEVOLENT God! Then why are you punishing me for something?
Odin: [short pause] Do not question the will of Odin!

[Odin snaps his fingers, and a timer of 1800 appears over Lightning's head, and rapidly begins counting down.]

Hope: Uh, mommy...why is there a timer above your head?
Lightning: Good question. Why is there a timer above my head?
Odin: When it runs out, you shall DIE for your sins!
Lightning: ...seriously?
Odin: Indeed. It shall be Game Over, and then you shall be forced to fight me again, and again, and again, for all of eternity!
Lightning: What, you don't have anything better to do?
Odin: Not really, no. Since a magician killed me and stole Gugnir, I've had a lot of free time on my hands. Did you know that there are 4,810 species in the Anura order of frogs?
Lightning: No...
Odin: It's quite fascinating, actually. You see-
Hope: Time's running out, mommy!
Odin: Quiet, child! I must fill this young mortal's head with KNOWLEDGE before I kill them!
Lightning: If I die, I'm taking both of you with me.
Odin: If you can defeat me, then the timer will stop. But you cannot HOPE to defeat me, for I am ODIN!
Lightning: Couldn't you have waited to tell me that? I was goig to kill Hope first.
Odin: Ah. My apologies.
Lightning: For that, I'm going to rip you into bloody pieces.
Odin: Would you not prefer to learn about the Anura species of frog?
Hope: I would!
Lightning: You don't count.
Odin: Very well, then. Have at thee!
Lighting: Have at what?
Odin: [sigh] Start fighting.
Lightning: Oh. Right.

[There is no way to really describe how to win this battle, because it's entirely arbitrary. Just attack and hope for the best. With Hope, the best often falls short of the mark, and players are in danger of ACTUALLY LOSING at this point, if only because the game fails to explain how to win, and deviates from it's standard "mash X to win" formula by forcing you to actually THINK about what you're doing. Hmm. After a long and tedious fight, Odin is subdued, and...transforms into a horse?]

Hope: WOW! AWESOME! I WANT ONE!
Lightning: You want him? You can have him.
Odin: I am your trusty steed, my good fellow! You may ride me into battle, for victory!
Hope: Yay mommy! Ride that horsie!
Lightning: I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with this...
Odin: In time, you shall grow accustomed to it.
Lightning: That isn't what I meant...
Odin: Nor is that what I meant.
Lightning: [shudders] Oh...
Hope: Mommy?
Lightning: You'll understand when you're older. And I am not your mother.
Hope: You are until you bring mine back!
Lightning: I hate my life.
Odin: On that note, I shall depart for now.
Lightning: No! Don't you dare leave me here with him!
Odin: Until next we meet! Farewell! May your travels be linear and uneventful!

[Odin vanishes, and Lightning drops to one knee again - and she calls Hope soft! - the red glow subsiding. Hope rushes to her side.]

Hope: Mommy! Are you OK?
Lightning: No. Piss off.
Hope: Your brand looks...different. Was that an Eidolon? Like the l'Cie can summon?
Lightning: Are you looking down my top?
Hope: ...no.
Lightning: My brand is down my top.
Hope: I wasn't staring!
Lightning: ...whatever. Magic and mumbo-jumbo. Must've hit my head on the Purge Train.
Hope: I know a song about a Purge Train! Why don't we sing it together?
Lightning: No, wait-
Hope: The The Purgery Train went down the track and she blew! The Purgery Train went down the track and she blew! The Purgery Train went down the track, taking away the l'Cie that aren't coming back, and she blew, blew, blew, blew, blew!
Lightning: ...
Hope: Mommy? You're not singing!
Lightning: Ugh...

[Lightning stands up and walks off. Hope looks after her, that usual forlorn expression on his face.]

Hope: Mommy? Am I really in your way?
Lightning: Yes.
Hope: I'll do better! I'll try harder! I'll-
Lightning: Stop talking?
Hope: ...try to?
Lightning: ...fine. Hurry up.
Hope: Yay!

[And thus it was that Lightning and Hope became partners. All it took was a near-death moment to bring them closer together and, despite their six year age gap, fanfic writers across the globe are now shipping them together. God help us all. In any case, it's time for more running! Until that inevitable moment when the two are confronted by...more PSICOM troops!]

Random Soldier #18: STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW!
Lightning: ...where the hell did you come from?
Random Soldier #18: We've been standing here for the last hour. How could you not notice us?
Lightning: Oh, I wonder...[glares at Hope]
Hope: Why not blame Odin?
Lightning: Because he's not here, and you're a more convenient target.
Hope: Well, then why not summon him to get rid of them?
Lightning: I suppose I might as well; I've fought enough PSICOM troops today. ODIN!

[Odin appears in his majestic horse form, galloping down off a rainbow bridge.]

Odin: Open your eyes! Ah, I see your eyes are open!
Random Soldier #18: What the hell is that thing?
Odin: SOLDIERS! Wear no disguise for me, come into the open!
Random Soldier #19: These are helmets...and you can see us from where you are.
Odin: When it's this cold outside, am I here in vain?
Random Soldier #18: It's...moderately warm. Anyone else cold?
Lightning: No.
Hope: A little...
Lightning: Shut up, Hope.
Random Soldier #19: Not really.
Odin: LIGHTNING! Always, I want to be with you! And make believe with you! And live in harmony! HARMONY!
Lightning: ...
Odin: But enough of this! Let us discuss...FROGS!
Random Soldier #19: Uh...what?
Odin: You heard me! Allow me to impart you with knowledge of the Anura species!
Lightning: ...can you just kill them? I'm bored of this place.
Odin: Very well, then, but we are going to have a word about how you summon me after this. ODIN, MAXIMIZE!

[Odin transforms into his human form and proceeds to lay waste to the enemy forces with little difficulty...as little difficulty as the player would have had with the rest of the game, in fact.]

Lightning: Not bad.
Odin: No...although I feel I should appear in human form to begin with next time, and then transform into a horse when needed, so you may RIDE ME TO VICTORY!
Lightning: ...no.
Odin: You should also say something dramatic when summoning me. Such as "Odin, cut us a path!" before we pose together dramatically!
Lightning: I don't think so.
Odin: This is how these things are done, young one, and I shall have none of your complaints!
Lightning: Just shut up and go back to wherever it is you came from.
Odin: As you wish. But remember what I said!
Hope: Bye Uncle Ody!
Odin: ...and if he ever calls me that again, I will slice him in two.
Lightning: If you do that too much, one day you'll try it on the wrong person, and they'll cut you in half.
Odin: Don't remind me...

[Odin mysteriously vanishes by...running away off scree? Odd. You'd think they'd chase after him until all enemies are dead. In any case, Hope promptly collapses...again.]

Hope: Sorry...
Lightning: Don't sweat it. Seriously, it's bad enough you're slow and sound like you've been smoking all your life; I don't want you stinking as well.
Hope: You don't need to be so mean...
Lightning: Yes I do. Superbitch. Or had it escaped your notice? Now, sit down and shut up whilst I go look around.
Hope: You're not gonna leave me again, are you?
Lightning: ...maybe. We'll see.

[A few minutes later, Lightning returns, to find Hope sound asleep. D'aww. She watches him sleep - without a single change in that expressionless face, making it even creepier - for a few minutes, the accompanying piano background the only indication that she is apparently warming up to Hope at this moment in time. Perhaps. The camera pans out, the music fades...the chapter ends.]
 
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