CHAPTER 1: The Mystery of the History
That time was lost; yet time continued onward. Time has a habit of doing that.
[The screen reveals what appears to be a giant hand on a clock, which is then confirmed as a bell chime sounds. The screen zooms out, revealing...some kind of giant green rollercoaster or slide. Well, so much for the clock idea, then. This strange apparatus is constructed on an old, notre-dame style cathedral type building. The sky is looking pretty overcast; adequately reflecting the depression of the fans that Square Enix made a sequel to this game. The screen fades again, cutting to a sparkling white crystal throne situated in a highly impractical position, surrounded by falling
feathers that have no immediately apparent source.]
Divine Etro. Go peacefully to your rest. I will stand guard over your legacy. At least until my contract expires. I can't believe I signed on for three games; I never actually thought they'd make another one...
[The bell from the green rollercoaster clock continues to chime ominous, as it is revealed that a figure garbed in a Valkyrie's armour is kneeling in front of the throne. A familiar, rather butch-looking figure. The screen goes black once again, zooming in on this figure raising a hand to their chest, their face the face of someone who has long since forgotten how to smile, assuming they ever knew how. She stands and turns away. The screen cuts - again - to a balcony, which she looks out over, considering the misfortune of her fate.]
This endless realm is awash with sadness. Life and Death lose all meaning under the rolling waves of chaos...which I suppose would mean that I'm immortal now. Sweet! Mission accomplished! Now to conquer the world...ah, I mean...ah, damnit. How did Vanille manage this in the first game? I keep on saying everything I think. Anyways, where was I? Oh yes. Valhalla. The currents of time do not touch its shores.
[As she says this, the camera pans to reveal that the futuristic city is actually right next to...an ocean. Which totally defeats the metaphor. Especially if those are currents of time, which is perfectly plausible in this scenario. Way to go, Lightning. Nice to see some things haven't changed. As Lightning swallows - evidently she noticed too - and looks up, the scene cuts to a young man falling through a reactor core.]
In this world of lost moments, I begin my life anew. And yet I still ask the same question: why me? What did I do to deserve this?
[The player already knew who it was, but the camera finally reveals Lightning's butch face for the first time. She appears to have put on a great deal of makeup. A side-effect of her transformation sequence, no doubt. In any event, the scene fades, cutting to the rather miserable-looking shore, where a purple-haired man who looks a great deal like Vayne Solidor - FINALLY, things are looking up! - is carrying a young girl into the ocean. He wades out a little, the Valhalla amusement park with all of its wonderful green twisty rollercoasters in the background, before lowering her into the sparkling waters, where she begins to...disintegrate?]
Caius: This recurring character role...it was never your desire. Is that not so, Yeul?
[He doesn't look particularly happy...but then, a girl DID just evaporate from between his fingers. The screen briefly cuts to something - probably Cocoon - shattering into pieces, before he erupts in a rage...prompting a barrage of bug monsters explode from beneath the waves. Uh-oh. Caius seems amused by this, however, chuckling to himself - wow, he got over Yeul's death pretty quick - before turning his eyes to Valhalla, where Lightning is leading an army of dragons and alternate coloured Shiva Eidolons. Seems a bit one-sided when all he has are those mechanical bug things. But then, he doesn't seem very bothered by that.]
Caius: Warrior Goddess...now we cross swords!
[They both draw their swords; looks like that was meant to be interpreted literally, not crossing swords in the way you cross swords but don't when you have your armies clash and you just stand back and watch. Wow. As Caius leapts into action, Mario-style, the scene pans out for a minute to show Caius' bugs getting squashed by lions and dragons and all manner of crazy beast that you actually fought against in the first game.]
Caius: Lose yourself in battle, and REJOICE!
[Caius has a definite flair for dramatic lines, although he still suffers from a tendency to attack for no reason, a his line of purple energy just scores
a line in the ground, not hitting anything of importance. Looks like he...ah, lost himself in battle. He then gets frozen by the Shiva sisters...who stupidly leave his arm free, and then charge right into it, allowing him to choke them to death. Seems a bit counter-productive.]
Caius: Embrace the terror.
[He throws the Shiva sisters aside, cool as you please, as Lightning rides in on her trusty steed. He doesn't look even remotely perturbed, despite the fact that his mechanical bugs are getting decimated around him. So he's either insane, or alarmingly powerful...]
Caius: Bow to me! Worship me! Honour my name: CAIUS BALLAD! No mercy for the damned; no escape from catastrophe! METEOR SWARM!
[...well, that answers that. Down come the shiny meteors, blowing a hole through the clouds, ripping everything below to shreds...more his own soldiers than anything else. But look how PRETTY it is! Nothing says "villain" quite like a meteor shower. And nothing says "hero" quite like the impossible ability to dodge said meteors...which Lightning does, using her horse to leap from rock to rock, cleanly avoiding it all, breaking his purple seal, and then landing to stand beside him.]
Caius: What took you so long?
Lightning: It would have been easier if you hadn't started throwing meteors in my face.
Caius: Yes, but it wouldn't have been anywhere near as impressive, now would it?
Lightning: Save it!
[They FINALLY get to cross swords...and the budget for the game runs out, meaning we don't actually get to see it.]
FINAL FANTASY XIII-2
[Just kidding. The scene returns to Caius' little rock platform collapsing, with he and Lightning fighting one another on the way down, the Advent version of One Winged Angel playing in the background...no, wait, that's my background music. Sorry about that. In any case, neither seem to have the advantage, despite the fact that Caius' sword is three times the size of Lightning's, and he can actually stop her blade with his hands. Hmm.]
Lightning: Damn you!
Caius: Enough. Let's end this.
[His chest begins to glow...and then so do his eyes. Uh-oh. Glowy eyes are always a sign that some serious shit is about to go down. And, sure enough...]
Caius: Cast your shadow over all: Wings of Night!
[Turns out Caius' supermove is a massive purple cloud, which blasts Lightning back. When the smoke clears, it reveals that Caius has transformed into Megatron. Unfortuately for Lightning, Dragon Megatron is far too powerful for her, being twice her size and all, and swats her aside with ease. The scene then fades, the music changes...ad Lightning is in freefall. She jumps atop her trusty steed, Dragon Megatron in hot pursuit, and...the player finally gets to do something! Turns out Caius is called "Chaos Bahamut" and not Dragon Megatron in this form. Oh. In any case, despite the fact that she was swatted aside with ease earlier, Lightning manages to overcome her foe with relative ease this time around, even when he transforms into a normal dragon and starts firing lasers straight into her face...but then, if there is one thing we've learned from the original FFXIII, it is that Lightning has a cockroach's resistance to damage. But, just as Chaos Bahamut is about to unleash another devastating attack, the words "Cinematic Action" flash on screen, accompanied by some button commands, which allow Lightning to dodge the attack!]
Lightning: HOLD IT!
Chaos Bahamut: Yes? Is there a problem?
Lightning: Did you see those buttons flash on screen a minute ago?
Chaos Bahamut: I did. What of it?
Lightning: What do you mean, "what of it"?! This is a JRPG! What are context sensitive button functions doing in here?!
Chaos Bahamut: How else do you expect to defeat me?
Lightning: ...fair point. But that doesn't really answer my question.
Chaos Bahamut: Look around you, Warrior Goddess. We are in Midgar-
Lightning: I thought this was Valhalla.
Chaos Bahamut: Come now, you're not THAT stupid.
Lightning: So is that why you were lowering that little girl into the ocean?
Chaos Bahamut: Yes.
Lightning: Well then...shouldn't I have done that? I mean, I do look like-
Chaos Bahamut: Do you wish for me to explain, or are you going to continue to interrupt me at every opportunity?
Lightning: Well, excuuuse me.
Chaos Bahamut: [sighs] This universe is out of balance, and has overlapped with others. See for yourself:
[Chaos Bahamut gestures to his left. In the distance, a young man who looks remarkably like Lightning, only with spiky yellow hair, is thrown into a building in a tremendous cloud of rubble by an ominous, yet extremely girly-looking, man in a black trenchcoat with glittering silvery hair. The scene is quickly lost from sight as they take their battle elsewhere.]
Chaos Bahamut: See what I mean?
Lightning: So...that explains the buttons...how?
Chaos Bahamut: Elements from other universes are being incorporated into our own.
Lightning: [groans] Please don't tell me I'm going to have to play a card game on a motorcycle with you next.
Chaos Bahamut: Truly, I have no idea what will happen next. We could wind up in a dance off for all I know.
Lightning: Alright, enough chatter. The faster we get this over with, the less likely something disastrous is likely to happen.
Chaos Bahamut: I concur. Have at thee, Warrior Goddess!
[The two continue their battles, which culminates when Chaos Bahamut decides to blast Lightning's face in with another laser blast. Fortunately, she is saved by Odin, who promptly disappears. Chaos Bahamut transforms back into Caius, and the two start duelling again. The two then play energy ball tennis, which Caius loses spectacularly thanks to the Cinematic Action function, getting blasted backwards so quickly the damage numbers can't keep up with him. Lightning follows this up with her own energy balls, destroying the rollercoaster in the process.]
Caius: Powers of Chaos, BEND TO MY WILL!
[Caius makes time stop. That's just cheating. But it does allow the two to leap more easily between building debris.]
Caius: Keeping up?
Lightning: Yeah, I'm doing alright, thanks. You're pretty good at this.
Caius: I have many years of experience in this line of work.
Lightning: Yeah, it really shows; you're giving me the chills. What else have you been in?
Caius: Oh, this and that. I have faced Valkyries before, such as yourself.
Lightning: Really? How did that work out?
Caius: I absorbed the power of their God and created my own dimension.
Lightning: ...oh.
Caius: I have brought many worlds to their knees.
Lightning: Uh-oh.
Caius: Yes. Shall we continue?
Lightning: Uh...how about we talk some more? I need to devise a strategy to beat you...or at least save my dignity when I lose.
Caius: Very well. What would you like to talk about?
Lightning: Well...why are we even doing this? I mean, the first game was so bad the writer didn't even finish their parody script of it! I'm still stuck with Hope in a forest in another time right now!
Caius: Well, you see...wait, how do you even know about that?
Lighting: Time paradox.
Caius: Oh. I see. Yes, of course. Well, then allow me to clarify a few things. The creators of this game believed that they could fix the mistakes of the first-
Lightning: So Hope isn't in this one, then?
Caius: No, he appears later.
Lightning: [snorts] Yeah, way to fix your mistakes.
Caius: In any case, they felt that it warranted a sequel. As to why the sequel script is being written before the original is complete...the answer is standing in front of you.
Lightning: What, you? They're writing the script just for you?
Caius: Quite so.
[Lightning looks at Caius for a moment, pursing her mannish lips before nodding to herself.]
Lightning: This, I can understand.
Caius: I am most pleased for you.
Lightning: Alright, next question. So...you want to destroy everything?
Caius: Oblivion is the fate of all things.
Lightning: So...is that a yes? I mean, I know that, but I don't go around trying to kill people.
Caius: All will be revealed in time.
Lightning: Oh, so you have a motive and stuff? Wow! It's so nice to have a proper villain to face off against...I don't even know who my first opponent was. I think it might have been Snow. Or maybe Sazh. I never did trust Sazh...
Caius: It seems you have had a rather tough time of it.
Lightning: Oh, you would not BELIEVE how tough. First off, my sister, she's stupid enough to get herself encased in crystal, so I have to travel with her stupid boyfriend to get her out of it, because I've got to be the RESPONSIBLE one, and after that-
[She continues in this vein for several hours, recounting the events of Final Fantasy XIII. Poor Caius.]
Lightning: ...and THEN I get sucked into this weird old void in the ground, get roped into serving Etro, and...well, here we are. You know the rest.
Caius: Yes...very interesting. Is there anything else you wished to tell me?
Lightning: Nope, I think that just about covers it; thanks for listening, it's been great to get all that off my chest. But...seriously? Why on Pulse is Hope in this?
Caius: Well, he is considerably older now, I believe.
Lightning: This makes a difference...how, exactly?
Caius: It doesn't.
Lightning: Then why-
Caius: I am afraid there are some mysteries that not even the presence of a time paradox can accomodate for.
Lightning: Yeah. I get the feeling we'll be seeing a lot of those before this is over.
Caius: Indeed.
Lightning: OK, shall we keep duelling? How long can you keep this force bubble thingy up?
Caius: Indefinitely.
Lightning: Cool. Well then, let's keep going. Have at thee, or whatever it is you say.
Caius: [groans] Perhaps you should leave the dramatic one-liners to the professionals.
[The two launch at one another...and another Cinematic Action slows them down, allowing Lightning to gain the upper hand again where she should technically stand absolutely no chance. After several exchanges, she successfully beats him down, right as the time dilation field thing collapses, and the rubble apparently crushes him. Way to go, Caius. Way to go. Lightning, predictably, decides to run off, rather than waiting to make sure she did actually manage to kill her foe. The entire structure finishes collapsing, with Lightning looking down on it mournfully. At that point, something mysterious begins to shine off screen, drawing our heroine's attention.]
Lightning: Etro's Gate is activating? Aw, crap. She's going to be so pissed with me...oh, it's just you. Noel Kreiss.
Noel: Huh? Wha? Oh, CRAP!
[Noel notices that he's re-materialised several thousand feet above the ground. He has a few moments to contemplate his misfortune before plummeting to his death, thus ending his reign of terror once and for all.
...well, it would have been nice. Lightning gets a shiny new crystal power, which summons a white mechanical dragon...just as Chaos Bahamut reveals that he isn't quite as dead as Lightning would have liked. Unfortunately, he can do nothing to stop Lightning from catching Noel before he falls to his death...villainous indeed, to allow that.]
Noel: Where am I?
Lightning: Midgar. You prayed for a miracle, and that brought you here.
Noel: Seriously? OK, I am never praying again. How did you know?
Lightning: I know EVERYTHING.
Noel: What, even why-
Lightning: No. No one knows that.
Noel: You didn't even let me finish!
Lightning: I didn't have to. I know what you were going to say.
Noel: More like you just didn't want me to ask another question. Are you another paradox?
Lightning: Do I LOOK like a paradox to you?
Noel: To be honest, yes. I mean...you're dressed in armour.
Lightning: Not my choice.
Noel: Uh-huh, sure, whatever. Look, how do I get out of here?
Lightning: How the hell should I know?
Noel: I thought you said you knew everything.
Lightning: Shut up before I throw you off the dragon.
Noel: Yes Sir...but...who are you?
Lightning: Lightning.
Noel: No, seriously. Who are you?
Lightning: ...
[Cue an aerial battle, which ends much the same as the first one: Lightning unrealistically winning. The two fly closer to one of the futuristic-archaic (seriously, which is it? They need to make up their minds...) and jump off, landing with little dignity on the balcony, giving up their sole advantage against Chaos Bahamut in the process. Way to go, guys. You're SURE to be able to win against him on the ground.]
Noel: How do we fight him?
Lightning: Badly. You should hear his lines; he knows what he's doing.
Noel: What does THAT have to do anything?
Lightning: I'm working on it.
Noel: Some Goddess you are.
Lightning: I never said I was a Goddess.
Noel: But didn't he call you a "Warrior Goddess" earlier?
Lightning: How do you know that? You weren't even here then!
Noel: Time paradox.
Lightning: Oh. Right. Well, in any case, you have something else you need to do.
Noel: What?
Lightning: Bring my sister to me. Her name is Serah.
Noel: OK...I imagine there are hundreds of thousands of people on your world with that name. Care to narrow it down a bit?
Lightning: She looks like me.
Noel: Only female, right?
Lightning: ...
Noel: What?
Lightning: Never mind. You'll know her when you see her.
Noel: That's...helpful. Anything else I should know whilst I'm babysitting her?
Lightning: She likes her beans cold and her milk warm. Make sure you read her a story before you tuck her in. Keep her away from anything with tentacles. Don't let her touch any kind of weapon; she'll kill you and everyone else within a fifty mile radius. And take something to block your ears, she has a voice like two rusty nails being scraped across a sheet of metal.
Noel: Then why on Pulse do you want me to bring her to you? It sounds like you're better off without her.
Lightning: I am.
Noel: Then why-
Lightning: There are some mysteries that not even the presence of a time paradox can accomodate for. Any other questions?
Noel: Is your sister hot?
Lightning: She's jailbait. And engaged.
Noel: Awesome. I'll do it. Sounds like fun.
Lightning: I like your attitude, kid. I'll tell you what: you can keep her if you kill her fiance for me.
Noel: Done! What's her fiance like?
Lightning: Oh, you'll know him when you see him...now, sod off before I change my mind.
Noel: Why? What are you going to do now?
Lightning: Find the superglue; I need to fix Etro's magical glass rollercoaster before she wakes up.
Noel: Uh...
Lightning: What is it now?
Noel: How do I get out of here?
Lightning: [sighs] Do I have to do everything? You got here by yourself, you can get out by yourself. Go use the portal.
[Lightning gestures to the weird device pulsating down below, which looks a great deal like what she was kneeling before at the start of this.]
Noel: You sure that's a gate? Looks like a Grief Seed to me...I don't want to end up being forced into a contract with a soul-stealing cat thing.
Lightning: Where the hell have you been before this?
Noel: Too many places to count. Now, are you sure this will send me to the right place?
Lightning: Sure enough to send you through it.
Noel: ...you're not sure at all, are you?
Lightning: Nope, not one bit. Now, hurry up.
Noel: Won't that just transport me to somewhere else in this universe if it's a portal? I thought you need a gateway to go somewhere else, not a portal.
Lightning: Gateway, portal, same thing. There will be cake on the other side.
Noel: Sweet!
Lightning: Oh, one other thing. When you see Serah, make sure you give this to her:
[A small firework explodes from Lightning's open palm, coalescing into...a Moogle? Who else saw THAT coming? It quickly fades back into random swirling energy before transforming into...a bow. Huh.]
Noel: I thought you told me not to let her touch a weapon.
Lightning: I said no such thing.
Noel: No, I distinctly remember you saying-
Lightning: That was a time paradox.
Noel: ...oh.
Lightning: Now, get going.
Noel: Alright. But...why me?
Lightning: You're the first one to arrive here that hasn't spoken in some foreign language. Well, asides the tattooed guy wielding two blades attached to chains, but all he did was shout at me; I couldn't understand a word he said.
Noel: That's comforting.
Lightning: You're telling me.
[At that precise moment, Caius decides to appear in a puff of purple smoke, drinking wine from a glass, which he randomly throws down to the floor as he stares down at our heroes, that familiar smirk in place as his pretty purple glyph appears in the sky above them. Time for another round of meteors, then.]
Caius: Tremble and despair, for I have returned from beyond the Void!
Noel: Caius?!
Lightning: You two know each other?
Noel: Oh yeah, we go way back...or way forward. Is this place in the past or the future?
Lightning: Hell if I know. Just get to the gate and let me deal with him.
Noel: YOU? You're going to take on Caius? YOU? Seriously?
[Lightning's answering glare is more than enough to send Noel scurrying off-screen. Lightning, meanwhile, has a very large meteor to deal with.]
Lightning: I thought you were an experienced villain! Why are you relying on the same bag of tricks?!
Caius: A good villain knows that what is important is killing the protagonist by any means necessary. Do I really need to come up with another attack when I know this one will destroy you?
Lightning: You make a good point, but it's not really as exciting.
Caius: We've battled with armies, crossed swords, AND had an aerial battle. What more do you want?
Lightning: Well, actually winning would be nice...oh, fine then.
[Lightning summons Odin, who throws her right into the path of the meteor. Yes, meeting one's death head-on is a most noble sentiment. It appears Lightning does indeed die, as her pointless charge does little more than make a tiny explosion, which does little to stop the giant meteor from smashing into the glass rollercoaster and creating a tremendous explosion. Unfortunately, Noel manages to reach the gate just before the rubble crushes him. Looks like this will be longer than one chapter after all.]
My hopes go with you, Noel Kreiss.
...we're all screwed.
That time was lost; yet time continued onward. Time has a habit of doing that.
[The screen reveals what appears to be a giant hand on a clock, which is then confirmed as a bell chime sounds. The screen zooms out, revealing...some kind of giant green rollercoaster or slide. Well, so much for the clock idea, then. This strange apparatus is constructed on an old, notre-dame style cathedral type building. The sky is looking pretty overcast; adequately reflecting the depression of the fans that Square Enix made a sequel to this game. The screen fades again, cutting to a sparkling white crystal throne situated in a highly impractical position, surrounded by falling
feathers that have no immediately apparent source.]
Divine Etro. Go peacefully to your rest. I will stand guard over your legacy. At least until my contract expires. I can't believe I signed on for three games; I never actually thought they'd make another one...
[The bell from the green rollercoaster clock continues to chime ominous, as it is revealed that a figure garbed in a Valkyrie's armour is kneeling in front of the throne. A familiar, rather butch-looking figure. The screen goes black once again, zooming in on this figure raising a hand to their chest, their face the face of someone who has long since forgotten how to smile, assuming they ever knew how. She stands and turns away. The screen cuts - again - to a balcony, which she looks out over, considering the misfortune of her fate.]
This endless realm is awash with sadness. Life and Death lose all meaning under the rolling waves of chaos...which I suppose would mean that I'm immortal now. Sweet! Mission accomplished! Now to conquer the world...ah, I mean...ah, damnit. How did Vanille manage this in the first game? I keep on saying everything I think. Anyways, where was I? Oh yes. Valhalla. The currents of time do not touch its shores.
[As she says this, the camera pans to reveal that the futuristic city is actually right next to...an ocean. Which totally defeats the metaphor. Especially if those are currents of time, which is perfectly plausible in this scenario. Way to go, Lightning. Nice to see some things haven't changed. As Lightning swallows - evidently she noticed too - and looks up, the scene cuts to a young man falling through a reactor core.]
In this world of lost moments, I begin my life anew. And yet I still ask the same question: why me? What did I do to deserve this?
[The player already knew who it was, but the camera finally reveals Lightning's butch face for the first time. She appears to have put on a great deal of makeup. A side-effect of her transformation sequence, no doubt. In any event, the scene fades, cutting to the rather miserable-looking shore, where a purple-haired man who looks a great deal like Vayne Solidor - FINALLY, things are looking up! - is carrying a young girl into the ocean. He wades out a little, the Valhalla amusement park with all of its wonderful green twisty rollercoasters in the background, before lowering her into the sparkling waters, where she begins to...disintegrate?]
Caius: This recurring character role...it was never your desire. Is that not so, Yeul?
[He doesn't look particularly happy...but then, a girl DID just evaporate from between his fingers. The screen briefly cuts to something - probably Cocoon - shattering into pieces, before he erupts in a rage...prompting a barrage of bug monsters explode from beneath the waves. Uh-oh. Caius seems amused by this, however, chuckling to himself - wow, he got over Yeul's death pretty quick - before turning his eyes to Valhalla, where Lightning is leading an army of dragons and alternate coloured Shiva Eidolons. Seems a bit one-sided when all he has are those mechanical bug things. But then, he doesn't seem very bothered by that.]
Caius: Warrior Goddess...now we cross swords!
[They both draw their swords; looks like that was meant to be interpreted literally, not crossing swords in the way you cross swords but don't when you have your armies clash and you just stand back and watch. Wow. As Caius leapts into action, Mario-style, the scene pans out for a minute to show Caius' bugs getting squashed by lions and dragons and all manner of crazy beast that you actually fought against in the first game.]
Caius: Lose yourself in battle, and REJOICE!
[Caius has a definite flair for dramatic lines, although he still suffers from a tendency to attack for no reason, a his line of purple energy just scores
a line in the ground, not hitting anything of importance. Looks like he...ah, lost himself in battle. He then gets frozen by the Shiva sisters...who stupidly leave his arm free, and then charge right into it, allowing him to choke them to death. Seems a bit counter-productive.]
Caius: Embrace the terror.
[He throws the Shiva sisters aside, cool as you please, as Lightning rides in on her trusty steed. He doesn't look even remotely perturbed, despite the fact that his mechanical bugs are getting decimated around him. So he's either insane, or alarmingly powerful...]
Caius: Bow to me! Worship me! Honour my name: CAIUS BALLAD! No mercy for the damned; no escape from catastrophe! METEOR SWARM!
[...well, that answers that. Down come the shiny meteors, blowing a hole through the clouds, ripping everything below to shreds...more his own soldiers than anything else. But look how PRETTY it is! Nothing says "villain" quite like a meteor shower. And nothing says "hero" quite like the impossible ability to dodge said meteors...which Lightning does, using her horse to leap from rock to rock, cleanly avoiding it all, breaking his purple seal, and then landing to stand beside him.]
Caius: What took you so long?
Lightning: It would have been easier if you hadn't started throwing meteors in my face.
Caius: Yes, but it wouldn't have been anywhere near as impressive, now would it?
Lightning: Save it!
[They FINALLY get to cross swords...and the budget for the game runs out, meaning we don't actually get to see it.]
FINAL FANTASY XIII-2
[Just kidding. The scene returns to Caius' little rock platform collapsing, with he and Lightning fighting one another on the way down, the Advent version of One Winged Angel playing in the background...no, wait, that's my background music. Sorry about that. In any case, neither seem to have the advantage, despite the fact that Caius' sword is three times the size of Lightning's, and he can actually stop her blade with his hands. Hmm.]
Lightning: Damn you!
Caius: Enough. Let's end this.
[His chest begins to glow...and then so do his eyes. Uh-oh. Glowy eyes are always a sign that some serious shit is about to go down. And, sure enough...]
Caius: Cast your shadow over all: Wings of Night!
[Turns out Caius' supermove is a massive purple cloud, which blasts Lightning back. When the smoke clears, it reveals that Caius has transformed into Megatron. Unfortuately for Lightning, Dragon Megatron is far too powerful for her, being twice her size and all, and swats her aside with ease. The scene then fades, the music changes...ad Lightning is in freefall. She jumps atop her trusty steed, Dragon Megatron in hot pursuit, and...the player finally gets to do something! Turns out Caius is called "Chaos Bahamut" and not Dragon Megatron in this form. Oh. In any case, despite the fact that she was swatted aside with ease earlier, Lightning manages to overcome her foe with relative ease this time around, even when he transforms into a normal dragon and starts firing lasers straight into her face...but then, if there is one thing we've learned from the original FFXIII, it is that Lightning has a cockroach's resistance to damage. But, just as Chaos Bahamut is about to unleash another devastating attack, the words "Cinematic Action" flash on screen, accompanied by some button commands, which allow Lightning to dodge the attack!]
Lightning: HOLD IT!
Chaos Bahamut: Yes? Is there a problem?
Lightning: Did you see those buttons flash on screen a minute ago?
Chaos Bahamut: I did. What of it?
Lightning: What do you mean, "what of it"?! This is a JRPG! What are context sensitive button functions doing in here?!
Chaos Bahamut: How else do you expect to defeat me?
Lightning: ...fair point. But that doesn't really answer my question.
Chaos Bahamut: Look around you, Warrior Goddess. We are in Midgar-
Lightning: I thought this was Valhalla.
Chaos Bahamut: Come now, you're not THAT stupid.
Lightning: So is that why you were lowering that little girl into the ocean?
Chaos Bahamut: Yes.
Lightning: Well then...shouldn't I have done that? I mean, I do look like-
Chaos Bahamut: Do you wish for me to explain, or are you going to continue to interrupt me at every opportunity?
Lightning: Well, excuuuse me.
Chaos Bahamut: [sighs] This universe is out of balance, and has overlapped with others. See for yourself:
[Chaos Bahamut gestures to his left. In the distance, a young man who looks remarkably like Lightning, only with spiky yellow hair, is thrown into a building in a tremendous cloud of rubble by an ominous, yet extremely girly-looking, man in a black trenchcoat with glittering silvery hair. The scene is quickly lost from sight as they take their battle elsewhere.]
Chaos Bahamut: See what I mean?
Lightning: So...that explains the buttons...how?
Chaos Bahamut: Elements from other universes are being incorporated into our own.
Lightning: [groans] Please don't tell me I'm going to have to play a card game on a motorcycle with you next.
Chaos Bahamut: Truly, I have no idea what will happen next. We could wind up in a dance off for all I know.
Lightning: Alright, enough chatter. The faster we get this over with, the less likely something disastrous is likely to happen.
Chaos Bahamut: I concur. Have at thee, Warrior Goddess!
[The two continue their battles, which culminates when Chaos Bahamut decides to blast Lightning's face in with another laser blast. Fortunately, she is saved by Odin, who promptly disappears. Chaos Bahamut transforms back into Caius, and the two start duelling again. The two then play energy ball tennis, which Caius loses spectacularly thanks to the Cinematic Action function, getting blasted backwards so quickly the damage numbers can't keep up with him. Lightning follows this up with her own energy balls, destroying the rollercoaster in the process.]
Caius: Powers of Chaos, BEND TO MY WILL!
[Caius makes time stop. That's just cheating. But it does allow the two to leap more easily between building debris.]
Caius: Keeping up?
Lightning: Yeah, I'm doing alright, thanks. You're pretty good at this.
Caius: I have many years of experience in this line of work.
Lightning: Yeah, it really shows; you're giving me the chills. What else have you been in?
Caius: Oh, this and that. I have faced Valkyries before, such as yourself.
Lightning: Really? How did that work out?
Caius: I absorbed the power of their God and created my own dimension.
Lightning: ...oh.
Caius: I have brought many worlds to their knees.
Lightning: Uh-oh.
Caius: Yes. Shall we continue?
Lightning: Uh...how about we talk some more? I need to devise a strategy to beat you...or at least save my dignity when I lose.
Caius: Very well. What would you like to talk about?
Lightning: Well...why are we even doing this? I mean, the first game was so bad the writer didn't even finish their parody script of it! I'm still stuck with Hope in a forest in another time right now!
Caius: Well, you see...wait, how do you even know about that?
Lighting: Time paradox.
Caius: Oh. I see. Yes, of course. Well, then allow me to clarify a few things. The creators of this game believed that they could fix the mistakes of the first-
Lightning: So Hope isn't in this one, then?
Caius: No, he appears later.
Lightning: [snorts] Yeah, way to fix your mistakes.
Caius: In any case, they felt that it warranted a sequel. As to why the sequel script is being written before the original is complete...the answer is standing in front of you.
Lightning: What, you? They're writing the script just for you?
Caius: Quite so.
[Lightning looks at Caius for a moment, pursing her mannish lips before nodding to herself.]
Lightning: This, I can understand.
Caius: I am most pleased for you.
Lightning: Alright, next question. So...you want to destroy everything?
Caius: Oblivion is the fate of all things.
Lightning: So...is that a yes? I mean, I know that, but I don't go around trying to kill people.
Caius: All will be revealed in time.
Lightning: Oh, so you have a motive and stuff? Wow! It's so nice to have a proper villain to face off against...I don't even know who my first opponent was. I think it might have been Snow. Or maybe Sazh. I never did trust Sazh...
Caius: It seems you have had a rather tough time of it.
Lightning: Oh, you would not BELIEVE how tough. First off, my sister, she's stupid enough to get herself encased in crystal, so I have to travel with her stupid boyfriend to get her out of it, because I've got to be the RESPONSIBLE one, and after that-
[She continues in this vein for several hours, recounting the events of Final Fantasy XIII. Poor Caius.]
Lightning: ...and THEN I get sucked into this weird old void in the ground, get roped into serving Etro, and...well, here we are. You know the rest.
Caius: Yes...very interesting. Is there anything else you wished to tell me?
Lightning: Nope, I think that just about covers it; thanks for listening, it's been great to get all that off my chest. But...seriously? Why on Pulse is Hope in this?
Caius: Well, he is considerably older now, I believe.
Lightning: This makes a difference...how, exactly?
Caius: It doesn't.
Lightning: Then why-
Caius: I am afraid there are some mysteries that not even the presence of a time paradox can accomodate for.
Lightning: Yeah. I get the feeling we'll be seeing a lot of those before this is over.
Caius: Indeed.
Lightning: OK, shall we keep duelling? How long can you keep this force bubble thingy up?
Caius: Indefinitely.
Lightning: Cool. Well then, let's keep going. Have at thee, or whatever it is you say.
Caius: [groans] Perhaps you should leave the dramatic one-liners to the professionals.
[The two launch at one another...and another Cinematic Action slows them down, allowing Lightning to gain the upper hand again where she should technically stand absolutely no chance. After several exchanges, she successfully beats him down, right as the time dilation field thing collapses, and the rubble apparently crushes him. Way to go, Caius. Way to go. Lightning, predictably, decides to run off, rather than waiting to make sure she did actually manage to kill her foe. The entire structure finishes collapsing, with Lightning looking down on it mournfully. At that point, something mysterious begins to shine off screen, drawing our heroine's attention.]
Lightning: Etro's Gate is activating? Aw, crap. She's going to be so pissed with me...oh, it's just you. Noel Kreiss.
Noel: Huh? Wha? Oh, CRAP!
[Noel notices that he's re-materialised several thousand feet above the ground. He has a few moments to contemplate his misfortune before plummeting to his death, thus ending his reign of terror once and for all.
...well, it would have been nice. Lightning gets a shiny new crystal power, which summons a white mechanical dragon...just as Chaos Bahamut reveals that he isn't quite as dead as Lightning would have liked. Unfortunately, he can do nothing to stop Lightning from catching Noel before he falls to his death...villainous indeed, to allow that.]
Noel: Where am I?
Lightning: Midgar. You prayed for a miracle, and that brought you here.
Noel: Seriously? OK, I am never praying again. How did you know?
Lightning: I know EVERYTHING.
Noel: What, even why-
Lightning: No. No one knows that.
Noel: You didn't even let me finish!
Lightning: I didn't have to. I know what you were going to say.
Noel: More like you just didn't want me to ask another question. Are you another paradox?
Lightning: Do I LOOK like a paradox to you?
Noel: To be honest, yes. I mean...you're dressed in armour.
Lightning: Not my choice.
Noel: Uh-huh, sure, whatever. Look, how do I get out of here?
Lightning: How the hell should I know?
Noel: I thought you said you knew everything.
Lightning: Shut up before I throw you off the dragon.
Noel: Yes Sir...but...who are you?
Lightning: Lightning.
Noel: No, seriously. Who are you?
Lightning: ...
[Cue an aerial battle, which ends much the same as the first one: Lightning unrealistically winning. The two fly closer to one of the futuristic-archaic (seriously, which is it? They need to make up their minds...) and jump off, landing with little dignity on the balcony, giving up their sole advantage against Chaos Bahamut in the process. Way to go, guys. You're SURE to be able to win against him on the ground.]
Noel: How do we fight him?
Lightning: Badly. You should hear his lines; he knows what he's doing.
Noel: What does THAT have to do anything?
Lightning: I'm working on it.
Noel: Some Goddess you are.
Lightning: I never said I was a Goddess.
Noel: But didn't he call you a "Warrior Goddess" earlier?
Lightning: How do you know that? You weren't even here then!
Noel: Time paradox.
Lightning: Oh. Right. Well, in any case, you have something else you need to do.
Noel: What?
Lightning: Bring my sister to me. Her name is Serah.
Noel: OK...I imagine there are hundreds of thousands of people on your world with that name. Care to narrow it down a bit?
Lightning: She looks like me.
Noel: Only female, right?
Lightning: ...
Noel: What?
Lightning: Never mind. You'll know her when you see her.
Noel: That's...helpful. Anything else I should know whilst I'm babysitting her?
Lightning: She likes her beans cold and her milk warm. Make sure you read her a story before you tuck her in. Keep her away from anything with tentacles. Don't let her touch any kind of weapon; she'll kill you and everyone else within a fifty mile radius. And take something to block your ears, she has a voice like two rusty nails being scraped across a sheet of metal.
Noel: Then why on Pulse do you want me to bring her to you? It sounds like you're better off without her.
Lightning: I am.
Noel: Then why-
Lightning: There are some mysteries that not even the presence of a time paradox can accomodate for. Any other questions?
Noel: Is your sister hot?
Lightning: She's jailbait. And engaged.
Noel: Awesome. I'll do it. Sounds like fun.
Lightning: I like your attitude, kid. I'll tell you what: you can keep her if you kill her fiance for me.
Noel: Done! What's her fiance like?
Lightning: Oh, you'll know him when you see him...now, sod off before I change my mind.
Noel: Why? What are you going to do now?
Lightning: Find the superglue; I need to fix Etro's magical glass rollercoaster before she wakes up.
Noel: Uh...
Lightning: What is it now?
Noel: How do I get out of here?
Lightning: [sighs] Do I have to do everything? You got here by yourself, you can get out by yourself. Go use the portal.
[Lightning gestures to the weird device pulsating down below, which looks a great deal like what she was kneeling before at the start of this.]
Noel: You sure that's a gate? Looks like a Grief Seed to me...I don't want to end up being forced into a contract with a soul-stealing cat thing.
Lightning: Where the hell have you been before this?
Noel: Too many places to count. Now, are you sure this will send me to the right place?
Lightning: Sure enough to send you through it.
Noel: ...you're not sure at all, are you?
Lightning: Nope, not one bit. Now, hurry up.
Noel: Won't that just transport me to somewhere else in this universe if it's a portal? I thought you need a gateway to go somewhere else, not a portal.
Lightning: Gateway, portal, same thing. There will be cake on the other side.
Noel: Sweet!
Lightning: Oh, one other thing. When you see Serah, make sure you give this to her:
[A small firework explodes from Lightning's open palm, coalescing into...a Moogle? Who else saw THAT coming? It quickly fades back into random swirling energy before transforming into...a bow. Huh.]
Noel: I thought you told me not to let her touch a weapon.
Lightning: I said no such thing.
Noel: No, I distinctly remember you saying-
Lightning: That was a time paradox.
Noel: ...oh.
Lightning: Now, get going.
Noel: Alright. But...why me?
Lightning: You're the first one to arrive here that hasn't spoken in some foreign language. Well, asides the tattooed guy wielding two blades attached to chains, but all he did was shout at me; I couldn't understand a word he said.
Noel: That's comforting.
Lightning: You're telling me.
[At that precise moment, Caius decides to appear in a puff of purple smoke, drinking wine from a glass, which he randomly throws down to the floor as he stares down at our heroes, that familiar smirk in place as his pretty purple glyph appears in the sky above them. Time for another round of meteors, then.]
Caius: Tremble and despair, for I have returned from beyond the Void!
Noel: Caius?!
Lightning: You two know each other?
Noel: Oh yeah, we go way back...or way forward. Is this place in the past or the future?
Lightning: Hell if I know. Just get to the gate and let me deal with him.
Noel: YOU? You're going to take on Caius? YOU? Seriously?
[Lightning's answering glare is more than enough to send Noel scurrying off-screen. Lightning, meanwhile, has a very large meteor to deal with.]
Lightning: I thought you were an experienced villain! Why are you relying on the same bag of tricks?!
Caius: A good villain knows that what is important is killing the protagonist by any means necessary. Do I really need to come up with another attack when I know this one will destroy you?
Lightning: You make a good point, but it's not really as exciting.
Caius: We've battled with armies, crossed swords, AND had an aerial battle. What more do you want?
Lightning: Well, actually winning would be nice...oh, fine then.
[Lightning summons Odin, who throws her right into the path of the meteor. Yes, meeting one's death head-on is a most noble sentiment. It appears Lightning does indeed die, as her pointless charge does little more than make a tiny explosion, which does little to stop the giant meteor from smashing into the glass rollercoaster and creating a tremendous explosion. Unfortunately, Noel manages to reach the gate just before the rubble crushes him. Looks like this will be longer than one chapter after all.]
My hopes go with you, Noel Kreiss.
...we're all screwed.