ElvenAngel
I forget stuff because I had to make room in my he
So yeah, sometimes friends of mine like to issue writing challenges to me and I usually go accepting them (and then regret it out of laziness, lol). Sometimes they result in me writing something interesting, but other times it's just an excuse for me to dick around and have fun. This challenge issued to me was about summarizing as many of my characters as I could be bothered to, in a short paragraph each, that would emphasize how badass they were. I'm allowed to be as wacky and exagerrate as much as I please.
I agreed, mostly because I think it's going to be really hilarious. Let's go. ^^
Abaddon
Real name: Ryan J. Gaven
They just don't make heroic bastards like they used to anymore, partly because everyone's so anal about getting married and partly because those who aren't, don't really care if you're born outta wedlock. Ryan J. Gaven is probably one of the more epic things to come out of a guy cheating on his soon-to-be wife--particularly a pretty badass superhero and the daughter of his his arch-nemesis who's had enough of dad being a complete jerkwad. Ryan is so hardcore that he makes metal armor out of his own blood...and then makes big, metal tentacles that'd put most Japanese tentacle-rape hentai to shame and shank you in the gut (or worse) if you're pissing him off. He's a master of the art of not giving a crap about insignificant things like blinding pain and bleeding himself stupid every time he gets into a fight over a parking space. He's also the king of snark, able to annoy the everliving daylights out of anybody he wants. Of course, he has better things (and people) to wreck, so he takes on any whackjob or mastermind criminal who foolishly takes their show into his turf. When he's tired of poking holes into people with bladed instruments made outta his O-, he sits back and starts to epically mind-screw them to high hell by applying psychological analysis to their asses and dragging out all their dirty little secrets, getting under their skin and generally being an intellectual asshole of such epic proportions that Hannibal Lector would be proud. And you have to appreciate the gusto and style he pulls off these things; the ladies certainly do--you can tell by the fact that the kid brutally tells some of them to get bent because he may be a player, but he's not a two-timing SoB. When he's not busy beating the shit outta people or profiling their asses into the ground, he picks up a guitar and belts out epic 3-minute guitar solos and hits vocal notes that shatter every glass and make very woman swoon in the tristate area.
Uriel
Real name: Gabriel Rivven
When people think of angels, they usually imagine plump brats with tiny wings bouncing around clouds like pussies and poking couples making out in parks with stupid heart arrows; or wussy angels fluttering around and promoting sharing and caring or telling you to stop staring at women's tits because it's a sin. However, Gabe here is no angel of either sort. He's a 6-foot tall, 8m wingspan, lean and mean ass-kicker with the skill to beat your rear so hard you'll need to undo your shirt to take a dump. With a pedigree in badassery (dad was a superhero) Gabe could fly circles around anything in the skies, even Superman, at mind-blowing speeds, if he cared enough to do that. With a swordsman skill that could send Zorro and Inigo Montoya crying in a corner, this guy will come outta the sky, blind you with the epic whiteness of his wings and then donkey-slap you into the next county like a psychotic albino hawk on steroids. If that's not enough, he'll likely add a nice energy burn from his 'halo' on top, for good measure--this guy is so awesome that he practically exudes coolness in the form of a glowy aura that'll hurt any wimp around him. Should you somehow escape out of his immediate reach, you're still not safe--he'll just get online and either hire someone to come beat the shit out of you, or hack your entire life and assets into something between federal cheese and a Commodore 64.
Also, he's the above guy's brother.
Feral
Real name: Ashley Caradyne
It is a truth universally acknowledged that few men can resist any woman behaving remotely like a cat and even fewer can resist a cat-girl. Of course, it's also acknowledged that many such women have the capacity to do some serious scrotal re-arrangement to anybody who stands in their way. Now picture a super-hot girl who can turn into any cat she likes; even ones that're long extinct. And I'm not talking skinny, carbon copy hot--this miss has lots of curves and lots of her to grab if you don't really care about getting your jewels kicked in so hard your grandkids will be born with disfunctioning colons. Ashley can send a man to heaven or hell, depending on how she's feeling that particular moment and she's not ashamed of it one bit. Being able to morph into a giant cave lion and take your head off the same way you take the wrapping off a juice straw kind of makes it impossible to be a 'good girl'. Au contraire, like every self-respecting cat, she'll play with her prey like cats play with mice they're about to chow down; she'll stalk, scare and drive anybody she's up against to paranoia before she finally pounces and tears them a new bunghole in a flash of claws, teeth and cat boobs. Unlike a certain other catwoman, this particular feline fatal is a bona fide hero and nobody better doubt that if they like their faces in place and not mauled all over the floor. This kicking-ass-and-taking names babe once terrorized a whole room full of FBI hardballs by just glaring and talking them down without even going all hellcat on their asses. Also, she's really nonchalant about people staring at her boobs; after all, all women have them, they aren't anything special.
Samedi's Envoy
Real name: Demosthene Savoy
When your mother's a voodoo priestess and you're the last of 7 kids, you know that you're bound for some pretty hardcore stuff. In true heroic fashion, Demos got quite shafted in his youth: When a jerk of a voodoo doctor decided the kid was pissing him off, he put a hex on him to kill him. Luckily, Demos' voodoo priestess mom caught whiff of that curse and like any ass-kicking mom, she rolled back her sleeves, cracked her knuckles and called the mighty Barom Samedi. Now, most people think of Baron Samedi as an eccentric Bond villain, but this guy is one of the most epic things ever worshiped: A tall and skinny dude decked out in a tux and top hat, with a skull for a face and in charge of death, voodoo magic and sex, who loves tobacco and rum and speaks with plenty of obscenities, in a nasal voice which is awesome for someone with a skull as a face. He can be a pretty nice guy if he thinks you're worthwhile, so he gave Demos' mom a sweet deal: She'd die instead of her kid, but Demos would get to be Samedi's very own emissary in the human world, with access to some mind-blowing powers to make sure that voodoo practitioners ain't screwing around with people for no good reason. Demos was pretty upset with this deal for some reason, but he took to the job quite well, judging by the fact that he now spends his time whipping the asses of anybody screwing with him or the order of the universe. Besides having some pretty sweet magic at his disposal, his best party-trick is controlling other people's bodies like a kid playing with action figures, making them punch themselves in the balls till they puke. When he gets bored he might raise an army of zombies to avenge themselves on the stupid dick that screwed them in life in a really epic manner and then get down and dance Thriller.
Troll
Real name: Troy Svetrowsky
Most people think trolls are the insanely annoying people on the Internet who do stupid shit like taunt grieving families with photos of their dead loved ones or ruin every public community they can get their ugly fingers on. Troy Svetrowsky, however, is a stark defiance of all this, because his alias is a reference to just how epically badass this once-a-time henchman, turned hero is and how the sound of him cracking his knuckles before a good beat-down can cause incontinence to people. When most people get super strength and toughness from freak accidents with experimental serums, they usually put on spandex and wear their colorful undies over their pants and fly through the air looking like dorks. Troy on the other hand, did as Manchester-born men do and took it all in his stride. He made do with a mask and a pair of gloves and began wrecking bad guys harder than a battering ram made of velociraptos. First of all, he went and busted the head of the moron who caused his accident and nearly killed him, a dipshit smuggler of illegal chemicals that used to employ Troy to do grunt work. Troy went primeval on him before chucking his sniveling ass to the cops, then high-fived a dude called Abaddon and joined the good guys. He spends his days bench-pressing cars, pimp-slapping villains through buildings and cursing Manchester United whenever City loses to them. Naturally, there's no hospital in the country safer than Dr. Kelly's clinic with him working as security there--and on his off time, kicks ass at poker.
The Weatherman
Real name: Jibran Haytham
He's not just Weatherman, he's THE Weatherman. Few people ever deserved a power-giving freak accident more than this guy, utterly dedicated to becoming a badass and given a first rate chance to do so in style. Jibran was a massive fan of fights, extreme sports and general awesome manliness since he was a little tyke and gaining the power to control weather and chuck an F5 tornado at anybody who busted his balls is proof that fate does indeed favor the bold and balls-out crazy. Jibby knew right away what he wanted to do with his newfound powers of Epic Raincalling +10: he made a costume, put on a stylish fedora and joined a group of young superheroes with more glee than a kid in a candystore. While inflicting hale the size of killer whales at baddies or burying Florida in snowfall in the middle of July to piss the bad guys off, Jibran also sucker-punches people into submission with awesome boxing skills and maintains a hilarious rivalry with his bash-buddy Razorspark about who can zap more bitches' asses with bolts of furious lightning. He also evaporated a building once by making a couple of tornadoes to suck it straight off the ground and hurl it into the sea, and obliterated a smuggling ship full of bad stuff with a tropical hurricane. When he's not playing Tetris with clouds, he also plays chauffeur for others, giving people heart-attacks with mad driving skills that make Jenson Button and Louis Hamilton look like kids on go-carts.
Belladonna
Real name: Isadora "Izzy" Marinou
It takes a special kind of woman to birth a badass chick that can stone half a stadium and kill the other half with nothing but a flick of the wrist, and Izzy's mom is one of those women; she escaped her crazy, genital mutilating African homeland, in what can only be defined as an epic feat of jailbreak, crossed part of a burning savannah and got on a ship to America and ended up marrying a really cool Greek dude she met in college. From that root of awesome, her daughter Izzy would go on to turn into a pretty hottastic babe in her own account and then get a wicked power to synthesize natural poisons and drugs (and their antidotes) in her system from a weird chemical compound her dad was working on to create a kind of universal antidote. Being an ambitious young lady of good character, Izzy did the sensible thing and got together with a bunch of other people and started being a seriously awesome superhero, going around in a short-skirt dress and go-go boots, smacking bitches around with her l33t stick combat skills and stoning others with drugs from her system just by touching them. And if you piss her off she'll pump you full of all kinds of nasty poisons and let you rot like a stupid idiot.
Razorspark
Real name: Jin Sonyung
Everyone loves secret military experiments; they produce either the most epically hardcore heroes of all time, or the most crotch-grabbingly evil villains. Jin is the result of one such super-secret experiment; so secretive that even he doesn't remember a lot about it, or where it took place. All Jin remembers is that he's Korean, always had some power of electricity and that he got probed more than alien guinea pigs. The next thing he remembers is being used as a super-charged, martial-arts master puppet of a mad scientist who played Tetris with DNA sequences. Functioning as a henchman, he could turn into raw electricity, flow along conductive materials and fly, and he tore new bungoles to lots of lawmen and fried a lot of other people under the orders of that loon until he got his ass handed to him by a bunch of young superheroes who were kind enough to knock the control device off him. His first act of freedom was to zap Abaddon back from the brink of death like a living defibrillator of awesome and then kung-fu'd his former oppressor into a heap of steaming poo. After that mess, he decided he wanted to atone for the shit he'd done and he put together a totally sweet costume of leather pants, a biker jacket and the evilest-looking biker helmet ever and started running with the superheroes, giving baddies thermonuclear wedgies and tazing them till they barfed and beating the shit out of everyone at Tekken.
Glitch
Real name: Gl’x Sartharex
Few people manage to make a name of themselves as badasses before they're legal to vote, but this little guy has. An alien from a race of normally peaceful reptilian people from a distant planet, the kid that would be known mostly as Glitch was accompanying his scientist parents to a trip to Earth to check out how humans lived. Seems like you can't fly past the asteroid belt these days without your space craft breaking into a million pieces and your life-preserver pod nosediving to earth. Glitch ended up hanging out with a bunch of superhero dudes and uses his mad hacking skills to play mission control and ruin the plans of the bad guys, replacing their schematics and funds with LOLcats and silly YouTube videos. Being an alien reptile kid is a whole other bowl of awesome though, since Glitch can run up walls like a gecko on steroids, pimp slap people across rooms with his tail and spit acidic venom in their faces when they piss him off too much. Since he's still a kid, he doesn't get much field action, but when he does, this miniature Godzilla can leave about as much pain and suffering in his wake as Big G, and then he goes home to drain a vat of soda and eat a candybar before going out like a light before 12.
[[More to be added ;D]]
I agreed, mostly because I think it's going to be really hilarious. Let's go. ^^
Abaddon
Real name: Ryan J. Gaven
They just don't make heroic bastards like they used to anymore, partly because everyone's so anal about getting married and partly because those who aren't, don't really care if you're born outta wedlock. Ryan J. Gaven is probably one of the more epic things to come out of a guy cheating on his soon-to-be wife--particularly a pretty badass superhero and the daughter of his his arch-nemesis who's had enough of dad being a complete jerkwad. Ryan is so hardcore that he makes metal armor out of his own blood...and then makes big, metal tentacles that'd put most Japanese tentacle-rape hentai to shame and shank you in the gut (or worse) if you're pissing him off. He's a master of the art of not giving a crap about insignificant things like blinding pain and bleeding himself stupid every time he gets into a fight over a parking space. He's also the king of snark, able to annoy the everliving daylights out of anybody he wants. Of course, he has better things (and people) to wreck, so he takes on any whackjob or mastermind criminal who foolishly takes their show into his turf. When he's tired of poking holes into people with bladed instruments made outta his O-, he sits back and starts to epically mind-screw them to high hell by applying psychological analysis to their asses and dragging out all their dirty little secrets, getting under their skin and generally being an intellectual asshole of such epic proportions that Hannibal Lector would be proud. And you have to appreciate the gusto and style he pulls off these things; the ladies certainly do--you can tell by the fact that the kid brutally tells some of them to get bent because he may be a player, but he's not a two-timing SoB. When he's not busy beating the shit outta people or profiling their asses into the ground, he picks up a guitar and belts out epic 3-minute guitar solos and hits vocal notes that shatter every glass and make very woman swoon in the tristate area.
Uriel
Real name: Gabriel Rivven
When people think of angels, they usually imagine plump brats with tiny wings bouncing around clouds like pussies and poking couples making out in parks with stupid heart arrows; or wussy angels fluttering around and promoting sharing and caring or telling you to stop staring at women's tits because it's a sin. However, Gabe here is no angel of either sort. He's a 6-foot tall, 8m wingspan, lean and mean ass-kicker with the skill to beat your rear so hard you'll need to undo your shirt to take a dump. With a pedigree in badassery (dad was a superhero) Gabe could fly circles around anything in the skies, even Superman, at mind-blowing speeds, if he cared enough to do that. With a swordsman skill that could send Zorro and Inigo Montoya crying in a corner, this guy will come outta the sky, blind you with the epic whiteness of his wings and then donkey-slap you into the next county like a psychotic albino hawk on steroids. If that's not enough, he'll likely add a nice energy burn from his 'halo' on top, for good measure--this guy is so awesome that he practically exudes coolness in the form of a glowy aura that'll hurt any wimp around him. Should you somehow escape out of his immediate reach, you're still not safe--he'll just get online and either hire someone to come beat the shit out of you, or hack your entire life and assets into something between federal cheese and a Commodore 64.
Also, he's the above guy's brother.
Feral
Real name: Ashley Caradyne
It is a truth universally acknowledged that few men can resist any woman behaving remotely like a cat and even fewer can resist a cat-girl. Of course, it's also acknowledged that many such women have the capacity to do some serious scrotal re-arrangement to anybody who stands in their way. Now picture a super-hot girl who can turn into any cat she likes; even ones that're long extinct. And I'm not talking skinny, carbon copy hot--this miss has lots of curves and lots of her to grab if you don't really care about getting your jewels kicked in so hard your grandkids will be born with disfunctioning colons. Ashley can send a man to heaven or hell, depending on how she's feeling that particular moment and she's not ashamed of it one bit. Being able to morph into a giant cave lion and take your head off the same way you take the wrapping off a juice straw kind of makes it impossible to be a 'good girl'. Au contraire, like every self-respecting cat, she'll play with her prey like cats play with mice they're about to chow down; she'll stalk, scare and drive anybody she's up against to paranoia before she finally pounces and tears them a new bunghole in a flash of claws, teeth and cat boobs. Unlike a certain other catwoman, this particular feline fatal is a bona fide hero and nobody better doubt that if they like their faces in place and not mauled all over the floor. This kicking-ass-and-taking names babe once terrorized a whole room full of FBI hardballs by just glaring and talking them down without even going all hellcat on their asses. Also, she's really nonchalant about people staring at her boobs; after all, all women have them, they aren't anything special.
Samedi's Envoy
Real name: Demosthene Savoy
When your mother's a voodoo priestess and you're the last of 7 kids, you know that you're bound for some pretty hardcore stuff. In true heroic fashion, Demos got quite shafted in his youth: When a jerk of a voodoo doctor decided the kid was pissing him off, he put a hex on him to kill him. Luckily, Demos' voodoo priestess mom caught whiff of that curse and like any ass-kicking mom, she rolled back her sleeves, cracked her knuckles and called the mighty Barom Samedi. Now, most people think of Baron Samedi as an eccentric Bond villain, but this guy is one of the most epic things ever worshiped: A tall and skinny dude decked out in a tux and top hat, with a skull for a face and in charge of death, voodoo magic and sex, who loves tobacco and rum and speaks with plenty of obscenities, in a nasal voice which is awesome for someone with a skull as a face. He can be a pretty nice guy if he thinks you're worthwhile, so he gave Demos' mom a sweet deal: She'd die instead of her kid, but Demos would get to be Samedi's very own emissary in the human world, with access to some mind-blowing powers to make sure that voodoo practitioners ain't screwing around with people for no good reason. Demos was pretty upset with this deal for some reason, but he took to the job quite well, judging by the fact that he now spends his time whipping the asses of anybody screwing with him or the order of the universe. Besides having some pretty sweet magic at his disposal, his best party-trick is controlling other people's bodies like a kid playing with action figures, making them punch themselves in the balls till they puke. When he gets bored he might raise an army of zombies to avenge themselves on the stupid dick that screwed them in life in a really epic manner and then get down and dance Thriller.
Troll
Real name: Troy Svetrowsky
Most people think trolls are the insanely annoying people on the Internet who do stupid shit like taunt grieving families with photos of their dead loved ones or ruin every public community they can get their ugly fingers on. Troy Svetrowsky, however, is a stark defiance of all this, because his alias is a reference to just how epically badass this once-a-time henchman, turned hero is and how the sound of him cracking his knuckles before a good beat-down can cause incontinence to people. When most people get super strength and toughness from freak accidents with experimental serums, they usually put on spandex and wear their colorful undies over their pants and fly through the air looking like dorks. Troy on the other hand, did as Manchester-born men do and took it all in his stride. He made do with a mask and a pair of gloves and began wrecking bad guys harder than a battering ram made of velociraptos. First of all, he went and busted the head of the moron who caused his accident and nearly killed him, a dipshit smuggler of illegal chemicals that used to employ Troy to do grunt work. Troy went primeval on him before chucking his sniveling ass to the cops, then high-fived a dude called Abaddon and joined the good guys. He spends his days bench-pressing cars, pimp-slapping villains through buildings and cursing Manchester United whenever City loses to them. Naturally, there's no hospital in the country safer than Dr. Kelly's clinic with him working as security there--and on his off time, kicks ass at poker.
The Weatherman
Real name: Jibran Haytham
He's not just Weatherman, he's THE Weatherman. Few people ever deserved a power-giving freak accident more than this guy, utterly dedicated to becoming a badass and given a first rate chance to do so in style. Jibran was a massive fan of fights, extreme sports and general awesome manliness since he was a little tyke and gaining the power to control weather and chuck an F5 tornado at anybody who busted his balls is proof that fate does indeed favor the bold and balls-out crazy. Jibby knew right away what he wanted to do with his newfound powers of Epic Raincalling +10: he made a costume, put on a stylish fedora and joined a group of young superheroes with more glee than a kid in a candystore. While inflicting hale the size of killer whales at baddies or burying Florida in snowfall in the middle of July to piss the bad guys off, Jibran also sucker-punches people into submission with awesome boxing skills and maintains a hilarious rivalry with his bash-buddy Razorspark about who can zap more bitches' asses with bolts of furious lightning. He also evaporated a building once by making a couple of tornadoes to suck it straight off the ground and hurl it into the sea, and obliterated a smuggling ship full of bad stuff with a tropical hurricane. When he's not playing Tetris with clouds, he also plays chauffeur for others, giving people heart-attacks with mad driving skills that make Jenson Button and Louis Hamilton look like kids on go-carts.
Belladonna
Real name: Isadora "Izzy" Marinou
It takes a special kind of woman to birth a badass chick that can stone half a stadium and kill the other half with nothing but a flick of the wrist, and Izzy's mom is one of those women; she escaped her crazy, genital mutilating African homeland, in what can only be defined as an epic feat of jailbreak, crossed part of a burning savannah and got on a ship to America and ended up marrying a really cool Greek dude she met in college. From that root of awesome, her daughter Izzy would go on to turn into a pretty hottastic babe in her own account and then get a wicked power to synthesize natural poisons and drugs (and their antidotes) in her system from a weird chemical compound her dad was working on to create a kind of universal antidote. Being an ambitious young lady of good character, Izzy did the sensible thing and got together with a bunch of other people and started being a seriously awesome superhero, going around in a short-skirt dress and go-go boots, smacking bitches around with her l33t stick combat skills and stoning others with drugs from her system just by touching them. And if you piss her off she'll pump you full of all kinds of nasty poisons and let you rot like a stupid idiot.
Razorspark
Real name: Jin Sonyung
Everyone loves secret military experiments; they produce either the most epically hardcore heroes of all time, or the most crotch-grabbingly evil villains. Jin is the result of one such super-secret experiment; so secretive that even he doesn't remember a lot about it, or where it took place. All Jin remembers is that he's Korean, always had some power of electricity and that he got probed more than alien guinea pigs. The next thing he remembers is being used as a super-charged, martial-arts master puppet of a mad scientist who played Tetris with DNA sequences. Functioning as a henchman, he could turn into raw electricity, flow along conductive materials and fly, and he tore new bungoles to lots of lawmen and fried a lot of other people under the orders of that loon until he got his ass handed to him by a bunch of young superheroes who were kind enough to knock the control device off him. His first act of freedom was to zap Abaddon back from the brink of death like a living defibrillator of awesome and then kung-fu'd his former oppressor into a heap of steaming poo. After that mess, he decided he wanted to atone for the shit he'd done and he put together a totally sweet costume of leather pants, a biker jacket and the evilest-looking biker helmet ever and started running with the superheroes, giving baddies thermonuclear wedgies and tazing them till they barfed and beating the shit out of everyone at Tekken.
Glitch
Real name: Gl’x Sartharex
Few people manage to make a name of themselves as badasses before they're legal to vote, but this little guy has. An alien from a race of normally peaceful reptilian people from a distant planet, the kid that would be known mostly as Glitch was accompanying his scientist parents to a trip to Earth to check out how humans lived. Seems like you can't fly past the asteroid belt these days without your space craft breaking into a million pieces and your life-preserver pod nosediving to earth. Glitch ended up hanging out with a bunch of superhero dudes and uses his mad hacking skills to play mission control and ruin the plans of the bad guys, replacing their schematics and funds with LOLcats and silly YouTube videos. Being an alien reptile kid is a whole other bowl of awesome though, since Glitch can run up walls like a gecko on steroids, pimp slap people across rooms with his tail and spit acidic venom in their faces when they piss him off too much. Since he's still a kid, he doesn't get much field action, but when he does, this miniature Godzilla can leave about as much pain and suffering in his wake as Big G, and then he goes home to drain a vat of soda and eat a candybar before going out like a light before 12.
[[More to be added ;D]]
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