Sepharos
Empath
This diary is a journal of my life from December 15th, 2009 until my attempt of suicide in late February of the following year.
Many trials were undertaken in this period, and nearly led to my death.
However, the entries are more of essays of passion than a description of what was occuring.
These essays include romance, history, short stories, letters, recollections, quotations, songs, and poetry.
Everything has a given title refering to its subject matter.
Episode 1
Ignorance
Such foolishness exists in their hearts. Do they not see what is happening around them or do they just not care? I’ve been told the excuses of their pitiful experiences, but they don’t understand. Nobody cares how incapable they are, and nobody ever will. They don’t work, nor think, nor act, yet they believe they will succeed. Dreadful is their stupidity; they cower behind walls thinking that hiding will bring reward. They are forever lost in ignorance and shame. No pride exists in their hearts. Blissful, they go on each day, until then- when they shall fall.
Episode 2
For Honor
People have no honor. They always show arrogance and claim to the best and right. Such corruption is a way of life now. Nobody wishes to prove that they are wrong or have been wronged. Instead they stay to fight amongst themselves in order to compromise. Show that you are human- show that you can create serenity, not chaos. Chivalry is dead in the hearts of man, but not in their minds. We all realize our issues, but we don’t care to abolish them. We have dulled our purpose and corrupted our desires. No honor remains.
Episode 3
Maturity
Maturity is a concept born of the human mind. It is a fictional state of being that can never truly be attained. Rather, it is something to work towards, but never reach. It can be said that one can be more mature or maturing, but not mature, not completely. Understanding this is a major concept of thinking as a human- not just being one, but seeing the separation. Ironically, people often fail to know this; they are reluctant to think. They say, “Well, at least I’m mature,” which just proves how immature they are. People who are matured don’t have to claim to prove their maturity. People know that you are mature when you don’t have to bring awareness to it. In this case, people who are matured know they can never be mature.
Episode 4
Domination
There was time of solitude, when God was three holy Persons, but such times have dwindled away. Fate rules over nature, and Destiny controls all. We cannot rely on the greater Power. Nature has been forfeited to us, Fate held captive by us, and Destiny placed into the hands of power. God exists as The Judge, but we are not merely pawns.
Episode 5
The Escape
Sure, I want to run sometimes, as fast as I can, to the horizon. I’ll imagine that, at the end of my journey, there will be something to embrace, but that’s an all or nothing chance against all odds. Even if there is something there, in the end, it’ll be a lie. I won’t run away though. So throw everything you’ve got Fate, cause I’m here to win 10 of 10. Fate is slave to Destiny, and I may not always be right, but I love being wrong. Even when the tide swings against me, bring your best, because I’m giving this my all.
Episode 6
Higher Honor
I made a pledge to myself, not that long ago, that I’d keep my honor forever, as long as I have something to fight for. The catch- awareness; aware of the fact that, no matter what happens to me, happiness lies trapped in misery. I may know what the future holds, and though the Earth comes beating me down, I’m not afraid. Death holds no power over me, love will always champion, and Fate can hide no secret. This is life, and I’m not about to lose my honor for something so trivial. I must retain my honor, for a higher absolution.
Episode 7
False Love
Love is an overused word. In all respect, love is absolutely hilarious. The wish, that others will look at my true spirit, is so foolish. How can somebody believe in such a thing when they won’t do it themselves? I’ll tell you why- people are ignorant. Oh, I hear of the stories of people being heartbroken when the people they like simply don’t like them back, but then again, why should they? Love, to most people, is a one way street. They expect that the person they care about should also care about them. However, they forget that people do love them, but the people who truly do often do not receive love in return. So go about your blinded lives, because you cannot understand love without giving back. Sometimes we live for no-one but ourselves. [You’d know, would you not? [201]
Episode 8
Fate’s Trick
What game is life? Fate has made her move, and I am due to counter. What joke has been played against me? I don’t care. My happiness will always be trapped in misery. Whatever is being planned, I care not to know. This destiny is mine alone, and this dream I don’t want to wake up from. Have I truly gotten what I’ve given? I’ll give it my all, if it means I can stay with you. I don’t care what misery follows; never again will be as happy as I am now, just because you’re here. [Looking back, this was more of a joke. [206]
Episode 9
The Destination
It’s over now. Everything has come to an end, and creation cannot be seen again. What punishment is this? It cannot be a test- that oversimplifies the ordeal. A friendship has been abolished, and it burns me. These memories are like nails piercing my heart. Swept with anguish, yet I know what should be done. I’d rather be in constant agony than to cause my friends any misery. I need to let go, but the past won’t allow me to. The future is bleak because of the past. I understand, and nobody needs to apologize or be sorry. This is my burden alone, and I will not allow my pain to become the strife of others. If I must endure this sorrow so she can be happy, then so be it. I feel what lies ahead, and it may destroy me, however, I will not allow myself to be a source of pain. I just want to scream as loud as I can. I just want to run and never turn back. It’s not her fault, and I will not be angry. This must be my fault. In order for me to be happy, she has to be miserable, and I will not allow that to happen.
Episode 10
Endlessness
My heart and mind are in a struggle for supremacy. While my heart tells me one thing, my mind says another. I don’t know which is right, and it keeps eating at me. If I don’t find an answer, I feel as it may destroy me. There’s only one way out of this, but it cannot be realized. I only wish that others are happy, at the expense of my own happiness. I know I should be happy if they too are happy, but I just cannot see that truth. I lie to myself so that others will survive. I rely on others so that they will not rely on me. It’s too great of pain to fail others- but I already have. Oh, how I long to be free, but in my freedom lay the misery of others. So I have to act strong, though I’m weak.
Episode 11
Strength
This charade is a false hope. I’m not strong; I’m not courageous; I’m not wise. So then, why do others believe I am? Surely, I only act so that they will remain strong. The truth is that I’m weak, and that I only appear to be strong because I have no shame. I’m afraid of nothing at all, except to be right. I’m a pessimist in the hope to be an optimist. I loathe to be correct. How can I provide strength to others when I have none myself? I don’t know. I build these walls because I want people to tear them down. Honestly, I want her to tear them down; because she’s the reason I’m putting them up. I understand that I should want others to be with me, but human nature and my mind tells me otherwise. In this respect, I’m selfish. Those I want to give me strength- will they? I’m alone because I choose to be, but in the hope that others will help.
Episode 12
My Promise
I want to be angry, but if I become filled with revenge, my vow will become corrupted, “guadium est intus a vicis ad dolor.” Happiness is surrounded in a time of misery. This promise is a gift to others, but a curse to me. Everything about me is expressed- my life is an open book- the pages ready to be turned, but who will decide to read this novel? Surely I’m the most selfish. My heart tells me to care for others for their benefit, while my mind tells me to care for my own benefit. Ironically, people still care for me, ever though I don’t want them to, at least, that’s what I tell myself. Indeed, inside that’s all I want- to have somebody. I do have people here for me, but why must I be such a hypocrite to ignore it? I want to show just what I’m made of!
Episode 13
Absolution
I’m reaching for something that isn’t there. I’ve always been sorry, laughably so, for everything. Why can’t we be friends? Anybody else can see that this is tearing me apart. Anyone will tell you that I’m the happiest person they know, but I’ll tell you that I’m the saddest person I know. I now know who my real friends are, from this ordeal, but nobody can equate for another. You’re more than just a friend to me; nothing can replace you, because nothing and nobody can replace anybody else. Even if you don’t recognize me as a friend, that doesn’t mean you’re not. These are my faults, but isn’t it time I do the forgiving? It cannot be changed so easily, as I imagine. I cannot forgive anybody else, until I’m forgiven. There is more hypocrisy- I long to be forgiven, because I care so much for others. I’m here, not for myself, but for everybody else. I’m so sorry.
Episode 14
Conflict
There is a conflict in my soul, between my heart and mind. From this, my memories fade away, despite my clinging to them. I am often told, to face judgment for my past sins, even as they fade into nothingness. Again, the conflict ruins everything. Even love cannot escape its destruction. It too fades away, but not before burning everything. I should act with revenge, as the world often says, but if I do, then everything else shall fall. In the end, the conflict ceases, and I become wiser. Failure is challenged and becomes power.
Episode 15
Memories
It used to be, that the thoughts of the past led to my agony. But now, it leads to my happiness. The most luck possible was given to me for a time, and I used it well. This was nobody’s fault, neither mine nor hers. I am told, however, that again she is lonely, but I’m not able to help. I have been closed off and left in the shadows. Perhaps there is something I can do though; perhaps. Is there something I can remember that will help? If there is, I will gladly seek it out for her benefit. Something tells me that tonight’s going to be a good night after all. Nos etiam tutela.
Episode 16
Friendship
There was a friend I admired not long ago. There was something there that I could see, and now it can be seen within me. I don’t know why she can see it when nobody else can. Maybe it’s true though, as I am always misunderstood. I’m fun to torture, as it’s been said, but always for my benefit. There are people out there who can see my ability, though I try my hardest to hide it. I’m certainly glad they care as well. At last, this burden is mine to bear, but with others to help me when I fall. Ironically, if it wasn’t for her understanding, I would not understand either. This is why she’s my best friend, and why I won’t allow myself to make the same mistake twice.
Episode 17
Chi Alpha I
There was a project that sought the destruction of those which had created it. The project ultimately was a failure, but only because its use was a success. The prototype was born, and hatred ravaged its heart. It took revenge upon its captors and crushed those who had sold it away. However, it still had compassion, and attempted to take away the burdens of those it cared about, even if it meant its pain. In the end, it led to his death, but the lives of countless others were saved because of him. His name: Ciajje. He chose pain, but be in pain so that other may prosper.
Episode 18
Analogy
“Austin, asking Jessica out is like walking through a revolving door. It keeps giving you chances to walk inside, but you keeping missing out and having to wait again. Eventually, somebody else is going to walk in, and you’re not going to have another chance. I’ll give you twenty cents if you don’t ask her out, so you can go buy yourself a cookie, but I’m taking my money back to buy myself something. Now you don’t have a choice but to ask her out! Either you ask, or I’ll do it for you using my Mexican accent.”
[Recalling, I believe it went like “Is that a girl or boy?” ‘That’s a girl.’ “Oh.” ‘And I like her.’ “Oooh.” Seriously, you need to attain some standards. [262]
Episode 19
Chi Alpha II
Ciajje, is the ultimate life form, he is often called. Destiny holds no grip on your life, for you are beloved by Fate. It is a curse that you cannot control your own life though. Tell me; is it a gift or a curse to have such power- to be master of Fate? While others can only manipulate their destiny, you have a mandate to control its hand. Your journey is no easy one, however, and your life is in strife at all times. As you watch your enemies fall to the ground, do you remember at one time they were your friends?
Episode 20
Genesis
I have chosen to live my life openly, so that others may help me when the time comes. In response, I will take up their burdens with them, so they may not be in pain. Why would I choose to concentrate all effort on one person then? Don’t ask me why- I don’t need a reason. I have my way, and nobody else needs to follow it. However, the reason- it is quite obvious; in my sight, one person is the entire world. I don’t fear falling, because I’m not falling now, and when I do, somebody will be there to catch me.
Episode 21
Understanding
It’s been nine years since I first met her. Nine years of attraction, but to no accord. Though it hurts, I’m especially glad that nothing has happened. I don’t want to be the burden in her life, and I don’t want to lose her as I have others. She’s not afraid to speak the truth or what she’s feeling. Courageously, she challenges those who won’t compromise or are doing something useless. I’m glad that, if needed, she would yell at me to get a point across, suspicious of anger, but I understand. She does it because she cares, and would give up anything for my benefit, just as I would for her.
Episode 22
Plethora
It’s ironic, that the most caring person in the world is often ignored. Strangely enough, only those who see it can’t understand its grace. There is more wisdom in this genius than there is intelligence. Anger builds up, wanting to be released, but if that moment occurs, there will be no going back, so it must be refrained from doing its work.
Episode 23
Chi Alpha III
Tell me Ciajje, is your destiny truly the one you have wrought, or was it created when you were reborn? Your revenge is manifest, but your hatred is blinding. You love so much, that it has caused a conflict in your soul. You know not what to listen for, your heart or your mind. You’d sooner die for the people you cherish, yet you destroy. This belief that creation lies in destruction can only go so far. You remain a conflict, but your end is nigh- and your truth comes shimmering.
Episode 24
Psyche
A new day dawns with the creation of a brighter twilight. The people who are deemed corrupted wait a time for upheaval. The greatness of their potential has been realized. They are all brilliant, gifted, and set for power. However, such a blessing comes with its disadvantages. Not all have been understood yet. Moments come when we are able to understand that which has not been deemed knowledgeable. Things that have not yet happened are memories. We complete things that have not yet begun. Our minds hold power while our hearts hold wisdom, yet I lack courage.
Episode 25
Resolve
We have the experience and wisdom of life. From this, I remember the options, from which there is a decision to build. From this, we build a future. We are still dreaming, but I am determined to continue to pass the test of the resolve of my life. So then, is it so simple to be called a test? Though there is truth in my resolve, it means nothing unless it is understood by those for which it is sent. I’m letting go, but I promise I’ll stay here.
Episode 26
Angels Wing
No burden is yours to bear alone. I am meant to aid, but only if you’ll allow me to. I want to help. Though I understand, and you may not miss me, I can’t let go of my burden. Whenever the gift is called, I will give you a wing. My heroism lies in the power to care about others completely. I am able to take your burdens and pain, but I cannot live your life for you. Perhaps that was my problem- caring so much that it resulted in not caring at all because of its potency.
Episode 27
Impatience
I’ve learned from experience, that I’m not so much selfish as I am impatient. There are certain cases where I have shown my patience, but only as a curtain to how I actually feel. This is the time to show what I’m made of and how I do feel. I may never have this chance again, and if it leaves, so will everything else. I’ve never looked twice at something, only interested in current emotions. Maybe it’s not that people are selfish, they just have no reason to be selfless. Before all other aspects, love is patient.
Episode 28
Reasoning
Who is able to say how life should be lived? This natural ignorance has been around since the beginning of time. Is it truly possible to define what normal actually refers to? Perhaps, but that is a state of idealism, where nothing ever changes. Being different, to be weird, is to be human. To take our differences away is to make us a single entity, with no variation or traits. We’d all be living the same pitiful lives with the same hardships, burdens, and trials. Nobody is able to say how one should live. To live life to its fullest, with a firm grip on the future, is to be eternal. This is the dream of eternal life that we lust for so much. However, only society is able to recall, and their stereotypes live on. There is no defined way to live life, only to live out as your own person.
Episode 29
Protection
My friends mean the world to me, and to see them in pain fills my heart with sorrow, but in the depths, anger. I have to hold back this rage, or I, in return, shall cause their pain. It is evident in past events and ordeals. However, when there is a time necessary, I will most definitely have to serve. I cannot let this anger control me, or I become something less than I already am. I cannot let theirs be misery.
Episode 30
Falling
These are my burdens, and not yours to bear. I want to talk about how I can help you, yet none would like to help me. You pushed me away. I only wish for your best now. All that I want is for you to be here, but that’s okay, I’ll say my feelings openly. Everybody realizes that I’m caring, but you don‘t understand. Try to stop me, because I can’t do this for much longer. Until I’m down for the count, I will never leave. If I ever do say that I’ve fallen, it’s over already, but I won’t walk away. I’ll never back down. Just hear me say that I’ll keep the memories safe. Though I feel hopeless, and I’m afraid of falling down, I’m not crashing now. I’m in constant pain, and all pain is worthy of anger, but I won‘t allow it to take control. Still, time keeps moving, and the world comes calling for strength. Though everything calls me away, I’m not afraid. I’m all too aware that you don’t miss me, but I’m not ashamed of what I had to give up for your happiness, I just can‘t let go. I’m never giving up hope, because that’s all I have. Nothing, neither natural nor supernatural, will ever be able to stop me from caring. Like the final words of those approaching the end, will the angels give all possible strength?
Episode 31
Release
I heard the Spirit tell me that love was all I needed to make it through, but I see this isn’t true. Everything is needed from the Three. I cannot simply take love and wish for the rest to gather its strength. Now I’m able to make it on my own. Just give me up, so I can give you up. If you’d rather be with me, I’ll allow it. Do as you wish, because I can’t love and be impatient. Where had my honor gone to? Love, patience, and truth. Not all that’s fair in the world is meant for my pleasure; I must endure. As time goes by, I know you’ll see, that I cared enough to let you go free.
Episode 32
The Prototype
You had to make your move. Life was just a game plan. Now nothing can fall, as long as your ready to move onward to the future. Everybody has to get ready, because I’m ready to test. Though I’m not here for war, if challenged, I’ll give it my all. I’m not here to lose, but neither am I here to win this fruitless battle. For victory do I ride, but from defeat are we made. Now watch your step- don’t fall, but if you do, I’ll be here. You did great!
Episode 33
Chi Alpha IV
You didn’t give your life up for those who had already fallen. You didn’t save the lives for your benefit. You gave it your all so you’d save the world. Everything that happened you took, not caring what would happen to you. It was all your plan, and your life. Friends who had fallen, you came back for- those you loved. Tomorrow was getting stronger, so you gave your strength to today, knowing full well that you’d fall. Love was not forsaken, but you didn’t mind if you were seen as a hero or an enemy. During the moment, you were hated by all, but in the end, you were the greatest hero of all.
Episode 34
No Densetsu
Koizumi was a man of courage, though arrogant, he never game up hope, even when he knew he’d lose. He’d rather fall than lose his honor. Rowan allowed pride to take advantage of himself, yet with the love of his comrades, he was sustained long enough to survive amongst corruption. Courtney was always loving, but never to the one who care about her the most. She wasn’t able to understand, but because of its power, she admired him more than he could ever want. Seymour was lonely, but always caring, even when it seemed that he was going to fall. Nothing could twist his wisdom and compassion.
Episode 35
Currents
There is destruction made manifest, and creation lies doomed for despair. Is it possible to see your life move through time? It’s there, but unable to be seen while blinded by hatred and sorrow. We can’t help but follow our faults, but they will always be repelled by the one who cares the most. From the works of yesterday, we are able to move on. The past should be kept away, always creating the future with its destruction, and creates the present. If you can see the future, go ahead and hold onto it, because you’ll fall today.
Episode 36
Believing
Happiness is trapped in a time of misery. My vow was corrupted, because my heart and mind had been corrupted. It’s not your fault, and nobody should apologize. I’m able to move on because you’re strength is driving me forward. Eventually I’ll be able to move on my own, but only because you cared without knowledge. I’m searching in the lights of friendship, and although it’s dark now, it has to become brighter. We can’t stop believing.
Episode 37
Chances
History is made with chances. Life is a chance, ya know, we can’t always play with a known hand. We are dealt with all varieties of situations, we just need to understand how to manipulate them to our advantage. As long as its for the advantages of others, we cannot lose in the future. The past is forfeit, the present is dying, but the future is bright. Never go on your first decision, nor the decisions of others. You cannot take advice on personal matters, because no two situations are ever the same. The risk may be great, but the reward is as well. If you fall, don’t worry, because I’m here to give your chips back. All you have to do is seek my compassion, and you’ll find me.
Episode 38
Deserving
What happened for me to feel such pain? Why was my pain taken away from me? Burdens have been lightened for me, by You. What did I do to deserve either? I’m aware of my friendship, but I still feel alone. I can pretend to be happy, but deep inside I still feel agony. I realize this, but I still can’t reach it. I want to know the answers, but I also wish to know if I need to. There is a difference between wanting and needing. It is apparent that I want you, but only time can tell if I truly need you. You should know, before you leave, that you put the dream in my reality.
Episode 39
Apostrophe
I’ve been ignorant of this creation. Always has it been spoken as if the world was all one person, though aware of the hypocrisy. I couldn’t stand being wrong, though I loathe being correct. Tell me, why then must I suffer? Look at the cloudy sky, and tell me if you know where they’ll be tomorrow. The sky remains the same, but it’s contents change. Nobody can account for the actions of others. Go ahead and waste your days sinning for others, but aware that I’m still waiting for you. Why are you alone though I’m here?
Episode 40
Barriers
There is a wall built between us, by your hands. Should I leave it standing, or tear it down? I want to tear it down, but I’m not sure of what you want? If left standing, perhaps it will erode with time, and the more I come reeling, the stronger you make it. This is your burden, but you gave it to me, and I’m unsure of what to do with it.
Episode 41
Perfection
Everything that has been done was a charade or a lie. I put on an act, when I should allow others to live their own life without me. If they truly understand me, they’ll come on their own. I’ve acted so strongly and to the best I could that everybody thinks I’m perfect, when just the opposite is the truth. Whenever there was strife, it was aptly hidden. Perfection was shown as a curtain to the truth. By showing that I care, I was being selfish, because I believed that by being perfect, I’d be loved in return. It is not possible to be perfect and to command love nor be delved in failure and mandate compassion.
Episode 42
Knowledge
There’s no point in looking to others for my motivation. What drives me remains in my ability to create using compassion. Don’t compare me to Him. Though the thought rests within my mind, it is abolished in my heart. Make everything reborn, and legends will be retold during ordeals. There’s no such thing as running away to end conflict. We’re almost out of time, and we’re not looking within ourselves. Almost everything was erased before it could begin. Tell me, were you looking for me or yourself? You claimed to be searching and found me. Your words are going to kill me. Now I’m going to show you who I am and what I came for. Try to reach inside of and take what is my burden. Let me show you just what I’m made of. Though curiosity comes beating me down. Everybody who has fallen before me becomes another burden. In the truth of this battle, I can’t take any more of the pain. My strength and weaknesses are all under my command. Our hearts will not be able to catch fire now. Make everything reborn, so this can end. I have nobody to believe, so trust me so I can trust you. Memories burn forth. You can’t take it, so look around and try, because I know you can survive. In my world, life is meant for all, and is told as it is. Never fear the fall, because I’m here to catch you. Compromise exists, and your every step meets the rest. You spoke through our memories, using just a single hand. Please, try to take my energy; let me show you just what I’m made of.
Episode 43
Path of Light
In the light, do you see what I dream. Are my problems what they seem? I might know of the future, but only you can decide if it shall last. Do you still feel my pain? My valor was here to fight for you. Only you know if you’ll be together tonight. Every night I wish to save your life, and to be with you. I could tell of everything great, but there remains hardships to get past. Everything just stays the same. Who knows what of the future? Nobody is able to change the past.
Episode 44
Eyes of Truth
“I’ve always sang my songs, on this stage, on my own. I’ve always said my words, not afraid to be heard. I saw you smiling at me; was it real or just my fantasy? I’ll always be here in the corner, of this tiny little world. My last night here for you; same old songs, just once more. My last night here with you; maybe yes, maybe no. I kind of liked it your way- how you shyly placed your eyes on me. Did you ever know that I had mine on you? So there I was, with that look on my face; as if I’m always hurt, as if I’m always down. Shall you be the one for me, who pinches me softly but sure? Maybe then I’ll awake from all of my dreaming. So let me come to you. Close as I want to be- close enough for me to feel your heart beating fast. And stay there as I whisper, how I loved your peaceful eyes on me- you had always known that I had mine on you. So share with me, your love if you have enough, the tears if you’re holding back, a pain if that’s what it is. How can I let you know, I’m more than the words and the voice. Just reach me out, then you will know that you‘re not dreaming. Darling, so there you are, with that look on your face, as if you’re never hurt, as if you’re never down. Shall I be the one for you, who pinches you softly, but sure. If a frown is shown, then I’ll know that you’re no dreamer.”
Episode 45
Friendlessness
You mean so much to me, because one is all. If you’re not willing to be with me, I cannot force it upon you. I’ll leave you with your freedom. Everything that is and will be is your choice now. I wish so much that we could be friends, but I know that just isn’t possible. We’ve never been friends, and I don’t think we can, as long as I have this ability. It’s from my compassion that I have to let you go. I know you’ll see, I cared enough to let you go free. I will give you wings to fly, and you will be away once more.
Episode 46
Priority
I have to let you go now, so that I can get a grip on my life. Perhaps that is what you also intended, but I’ll never know for sure. I’m not free, but I have to make decisions on my own now. There is more to life than just my emotional aspect, and I have to care for all of them, instead of being blind to them. It may be over now, but the conflict has not yet been resolved. There are more trials to be overcome.
Episode 47
Twilight
I had a feeling, that the night would be a good night. It turned out to be the best evening of my life thus far. That night, I was ready for anything. I was prepared for victory, and indeed, through my loss I gained something more. You comforted me. Now I want to let it go, but I can’t, and I don’t understand why. If I go out, I’m afraid I won’t come back. I feel stressed out, but I can’t live it up. I had a feeling that the night would bring destruction. It turned out to be the worst evening of my life thus far. That night, I was ready for anything. I was prepared for failure, and indeed, through my gain, I lost something far more valuable.
Episode 48
Compromise
I’ve always said that I understand you, but now, when all my cards are folded, why can’t you understand me? To be honest, I give nothing but compassion, and rarely do I see it returned to me, even if it is obvious to other. I’ve put these walls up for you to tear down, but the wall you built means you cannot. I cannot find the light, and I feel my dreams are dying. Should I let go? Is there anything left? Should I give up? There’s still something missing, and I cannot leave it alone.
Episode 49
Destruction
Burning inside with constant anger and vengeance- I seek the destruction of those who would not allow me to be aided or to aid. Such cruel fate has been placed on my burden. None wish to release me from such agony, and in every right. Come, give me more reason to hate the world. This generous gift has become corrupted along with the person it was gifted to. My vow has been tainted, and my voice, cursed. I seek to end this conflict with a dark resolution. Everything was taken away from me, and I was left in the shadows. Nothing can stop the great power of the lust for revenge! I came searching for you, and you hid, along with the gift you stole from me. I would care not for my vow, my gift, my promise, if only I were to be embraced. I was thrown aside, made lonely forever. I sought happiness, but only found misery. This is why- I promise you, revenge. How does it end? I’m not Hell bent on destruction, I’m just nervous and afraid.
Episode 50
Answered
There was always a reason, and due to my selfishness, I didn’t care to understand. How could I claim to be a friend, when I didn’t trust you? It was always you didn’t trust me, at least, that’s what I thought. I think I understand now, maybe you do trust me, but I will never know. As long as I trust you, there isn’t a reason to worry. There must be a reason why- there always has to be. When you’re ready to trust me, I’ll be waiting. It cannot be forced upon somebody, like love, it takes time to be built. It is hard to create, but ever so easy to completely destroy. Let us hope that latter never to occur.
Episode 51
Dreaming
There’s a person, who has only appeared in my dreams. I do not know who she is yet, but I know that I’ll meet her someday. While asleep, she is incredibly vital to my happiness, and yet I have no clue to her identity. When the time comes for her to leave, I fall apart, not being able to bear the thought of losing her. Who is she? I must know if I’ll meet her in the future, because something inside me longs for her. I’m not alone, but at the same time, I’m not with you. Destiny holds a curtain over your identity- I cannot seek you out. A new trial has begun, with knew characters, but I feel as if I’ve known you forever.
Episode 52
Hand of God
There are three powers in existence- Fate, Destiny, and Nature. Fate is an evil presence, able to be manipulated for the better part of life, but left unchanged, will only lead to pain and sorrow. Destiny is not able to be changed, it’s what must happen, and thus could not be altered for the sought. Destiny’s hand cannot be stayed, it’s what will always happen, despite the ordeals that occur. Nature is simply the field of play, where Fate and Destiny meet to make their moves for the greatest game created- the game of life.
Episode 53
Christmas
This time of the year is abused to its fullest extent. Everybody claims it to be a time of giving and love, but shouldn’t that be all of the year? There’s nothing special about Christmas at all- in fact, before Constantine, it was a pagan holiday! Thus, why should it get any special attention? Maybe there’s something I’ve overlooked, but it’s not likely. Despising any time with family, everything just goes from bad to worse. People are so ignorant, not understanding what they claim to believe in with this holiday. Especially those who do not even believe in Christ- they should absolutely stay away!
Episode 54
Atheism
Those without something to believe in should be destroyed- at least, that’s what I first thought. Maybe they see something, but are they really so lost? What happened to them that makes them fail to believe in anything? I doubt it’s so simple. There are friends who do not believe, but they are still wise. However, they should not mess with things such as the Constitution and various holidays. If they wish to, then they can get out of our nation, such as atheism is not a religion, it does not deserve leniency from the Constitution, nor should they simply not celebrate various holidays. Stop complaining and believe!
Episode 55
Aspirations
I live for the sake of others, at my expense. My dream is to be with my friends whenever I am needed. However, I become clingy, and often push those I cherish most away. Perhaps I understand too much, but place my burdens on my friends, just to show off. There is a time and place for everything- this can be understood. I can’t protect everybody, and that burns me, but it shouldn’t burn others as well. I’m lucky I have people who understand though, and they will be with me forever.
Episode 56
Goodbyes
To say goodbye is to forever lose somebody. There is no such thing as goodbye, because there will always be a time for paths to intertwine once more- it is destiny. However, Fate has placed the burden on our hearts, and we must overcome. We shall see each other again someday, but when- it is beyond my ability to tell, because of Destiny. I miss you.
Episode 57
Loveless
There’s always been somebody to tell me how sweet I am. They see the truth in my words- but they don’t understand that they are empty promises. Nobody who I want to see needs to, thus they go on without them. I wish for others to see who I really am, but in order for that to occur, my burden would need to be theirs. In my view, nobody is such simple adjectives, they are more gorgeous than pretty, more needed than wanted, and more important than wit. Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable.
Episode 58
Empathy
The power of the future is gifted to everybody, but they just need to manipulate it. This gift was trusted to me. Emotions are not as easy to hide when I can see through people, but not only now, but into the future. I feel what emptiness lies ahead, but also, the understanding that joy is surrounded by times of misery. It makes the bad times even more important to cherish than the joyous. From failure, is our greatness made.
Episode 59
Sarcasm
Life is so much more fun to live with variety! Nobody can go on day to day, with the same routine, and still retain their humanity. It is something we are all born with, but like other things, we lose it with our ordeals. We are all made with the ability to overcome, but often the people we want to help the most simply will not. Shall we continue with the same notion- we need those who love us. It’s not a simple want, it’s a necessity. Tell me, where was I when you fell? Did you seek me out? I’m so sorry. If needed, I’d life your burdens, but yours is a life I cannot live. I place variety into the lives of those who need it most, even if it’s a simple day to day thing. My life has lost some humanity, but I have received so much more from those who love me. Then why does it still hurt so much?
Episode 60
Chi Alpha V
We are not judged by how much we love others, but by how much others love us, isn’t that right Ciajje? No, of course it isn’t. You lived your entire life, being hated by all, because you destroyed those who cared. Did you want to be alone? Is that because you couldn’t bear the thought of hurting those you loved in the end? You were aware of those who loved you, and they gave up their lives for you- with not a single fight. There were others as well, and your brother, who did not give up on you. You fell so that others would never, because you were afraid that you couldn’t catch them. It was now or never, wasn’t it? The time came for a choice- either you’d fall, or they would. You decided that you’d rather be in constant agony than to cause them any misery. Can you be forgiven?
Episode 61
For Ability
These writings are for benefit of others- through my ordeals, I hope that others may learn. I may not know everything, but I try to be wise in my mind and in my heart. Though we think something, a monster it does not make us. You can read my words, but if you can’t read my heart, it’s fruitless. These are my trials to overcome, and I’ve learned much from their completion- but it means nothing if others can’t learn from my hardships.
Episode 62
Compromise
People never wish to compromise- at least, that’s what I’d like to say. When it really matters, I suppose, compromise is the only solution, but society as a whole has painted a picture of all or nothing. Being steadfast is pointless, if what you’re fighting for is not what is right. You can win the moment, but Destiny has forfeited your future. Something must be given up to attain something greater. It’s a law created by nature. You can always try to manipulate the hand of Destiny, but you’ll never come out on top.
Episode 63
Universally
Life is a simple game with complex outcomes. Nobody can see the future, and if we’ll be right or wrong, but it’s not a guessing game. I’m loved universally, because of how I’ve chosen to live life. I won’t make enemies of others, but they will of me, but I’ll always come out on top. As long as I don’t let this gift become my arrogance, I will not be able to lose the eternal fight. If mine becomes ignorance, it will feign foolishness.
Episode 64
Abandonment
You left me in the cold. Step away from me- don’t break my heart again! My mind believes that it can outsmart my heart on its field of play. Not again- unless I hope to be a hypocrite. I will not allow my thoughts to ruin me. I should be angry and I have the right to push you away, but I will not allow anger to grip my heart. I shall forever love. The closer you come, the harder it is for me to stand without falling to tears, and the further you go, the harder my heart becomes. I need something to embrace, or I’ll fall like those who came before me. I’ve always got to do something big! You broke my heart, along with our trust, and now I want it back, but you won’t allow it. I’d hope I’m different.
Episode 65
Genius
My thoughts are great, however, they form empty words. Though everything about me seems perfect to myself, it only creates my arrogance. I believe that I’m better than others, which goes against what I stand for. I want people to argue with me, because then I know that people do care. These walls aren’t to keep people out or people in, but to see who’s willing to come inside. I’ve made my choice long ago, and I’ll have to stick to my vow. Am I manipulating Destiny thinking it to be Fate? In other words, am I trying to change what cannot be changed? Maybe, but the future is only known to the future itself. Somebody has to argue against me, so that I’ll know that I’m still fighting for the right reasons. I loathe to be correct, but I cannot always be wrong. I’ll argue myself if it means that I won’t become something I’m not. I am not so much intelligent as I am wise.
Episode 66
Chi Alpha VI
Fate had made her move Ciajje, and you were due to make yours. What you did, put everything and everybody in jeopardy, but it saved the lives of countless. Was it because you were selfish and wanting to be the hero? It couldn’t have been that simple. You were the prisoner of souls and a slave to Fate. To be the master truly is to be the servant. Knowing too much is what led to your destruction. It wasn’t that your life was able to taken for granted, it just happened. Now, in the time of your upheaval, the one you cared about most has taken everything away. Is it possible to counter such a move? It must not have been worth the pain, since all you took from it was the destruction of anything that got in your way- including that which you had vowed to protect! Compromise does not exist in the soul which you promised to take control of- your belief had an exception.
Episode 67
Timing
For somebody who claims to be able to feel the future, I sure have the worst timing of anybody the world has ever known. Anything I do is always late, usually too late, or given too early. Ironically, I’m always able to get a point across, despite the crush. Nobody understands, at least, that’s what I believed. There are those who understand, but in order to see them, I must give up the memory. It has destroyed me, and she takes in that, or she’d do something about it, as I have tried so many times before. It’s over now, but she won’t leave it be. This is not my fault, but it is my burden to bear.
Episode 68
The Fifth
It’s only one fifth over, and what I’ve seen already does not bode well for a bright future, however, I cannot give in. Destiny will not allow me to fade so easily, but neither will it allow my memories to fade. Whenever I think of you, I believe I’m causing you more pain than you’ve caused me, and for this, I apologize. I am human, so then I carry the faults as do all others. I’d hope myself to be different, and force myself to become something we all know that I’m not. To the truth, I’m not an imitation, I am the real thing, and there will be none other like me. One of many, and it was lost, forever.
Episode 69
Standing
I’m no ordinary person, as shown through my words, but I hope live them out through my actions as well. This is a test of myself, to see if my words are empty, or if they truly hold a message as I hope they have. Compromise must exist, but I will not allow my own will to take advantage of the lives of those I care about, or care I will not. My mind is formed from genius, but my heart perfects it, and ensures my actions live out my words.
Episode 70
Semantics
Destiny holds fortitude over our lives. We cannot hope to be born to a family before our conception, nor any time after. To claim to be something that time has not allowed possible is to be foolish. We’ll never know how things would have been different, and will never be possible. It’s not understandable if it’s never possible. If things were different, how could you tell of their change? Things that happen due to another variable will never change unless acted upon by a separate variable. For example, something that was a great help to the completion may have indeed caused for it beginning, thus, without the variable, the solution is inevitably changed.
Episode 71
Redemption
That feeling of remorse, all are aware of it. Don’t paint your ordeal as something that others cannot be affected by, because everybody is. When you fall down, don’t tell yourself that others will pick you up. Those who wish to help are those who love you, and those who do not are either infatuated by the present or by pride. Can you feel life, tangle you up inside? Get off the ground, because you’re redemption has been found.
Episode 72
Pride
Those who are proud for petty things will fall in the future, but not before being corrupted and bound to the greatest ordeal of all. Pain and suffering mean nothing if inflicted upon yourself, because there will always be others who care. However, when the pain is given by others, it hurts more, doesn’t it? Tell me then, why won’t you let anybody else into your soul? It has become a prison, says a simple reason, but you’d rather it be complex, so it is even harder to explain and becomes even more of an excuse. Be proud not of what you have done or what you will do, but of what you can do- be proud of who you are, not what you are capable of, though hypocritical.
Episode 73
Paradox
I have found in life, the most contradictory of themes is often the best possible solution. Compromise is the only surviving factor in hypocrisy, which makes it more of a correct end result than any other choice. It’s an unexplainable puzzle, but it’s true. Everybody can see this truth- it’s a gift we all hold. A person doesn’t have to be strong in all areas of life in order to be human, just like the senses, it hones our other pieces.
Episode 74
Order
There cannot be order without a comparable chaos. My job is to create neither, but help whenever the situation arises, so that both ignorance and arrogance are kept away. During order, ignorance to the truth, that shadow exists somewhere with the light, is taken advantage of. During chaos, arrogance is shown wherever the belief is alive that nothing shall overthrow its dominion. There must be a unison of both, lest the world fall.
Episode 75
Sensory
There are five main aspects to life- physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and social. The physical is what we come into contact with each day, to empower us with the ability to survive that which could destroy the rest of us, and establish the other areas into existence. The mental creates who we are by connecting all other areas. The emotional decides what decisions we take day to day, based on situations from the past. The spiritual creates all what we believe in. Finally, the social is what binds all of us together, despite all other differences. We can die in any one of these areas, yet survive with others.
Episode 76
Pathway
Compassion is what will show who the righteous truly are. To show how you feel is to be strong, though you may think that you are weak. Only those who are weak tend to never show how they feel, instead becoming stronger in other areas, to hide who they are. It is possible to love others without being loved, but so is the opposite. As unnecessary as it happens to be, to hide how we feel, we do it anyway, in the vain hope that somebody we admire will come to the rescue. We all emotionally understand it, but mentally, we cannot, for it would ruin us, and cause us to feel pain.
Episode 77
Disillusionment
We live in an illusion, something that we cling to because it is all we’ve ever known to be true, though a lie it really is. However, there comes an event that shows us the reality, and it hurts us, however, it also helps us. From this, we can understand the ideal; though we can never truly attain it- this perfect state is something we have to work for, or we’ll fall into the illusion once more. We cannot live a lie forever, or all we do is for nothing, but is this so true of a statement? All we can possible be aware of is who we really are inside. The world could use something amazing now, and I’m here to see it through.
Episode 78
Possibility
We have no reason to die if we have no reason to live. There must be something we are willing to die for, or we cannot hope to live for its motivation. Truth is shown within our power to continue for something to strive for. Even if there’s nothing here now, what will be there in the future will have been worth every moment of this pain. Every day I wonder what the world would be like without me. It is possible to say, but impossible to know.
Episode 79
Anticipation
Though we can all claim to see what lies ahead, we truly don’t know. If what we attain is not worked for, it loses all appeal. The harder we strive for something, the more valuable it becomes. That is why everybody who has been handed what they’ve always wanted will never appreciate what they already have. If you don’t have an ordeal, than what you have was never really worth it. Go ahead, fight for what you think is the greatest, because I can see through the lie, and you are blinded by the shadow that you think is the light. We don’t know what we’ve got until it’s gone.
Episode 80
Revealing
If nature could change its ways, and I could control Destiny. If the stars fell from the heavens, and you could decide fate. What would any of this change? Now I’m looking for the reason why you put this trial into motion. If none of this is true, then I have fallen already, but not without my story being told. This is my story, and I cannot force you out of it, because you forced my hand to write it. Never was this a bad ordeal, because in the end it was for the benefits of others, and to better my soul. But if you’re not really here, then none of this matters anymore. Please be happy for both of our sakes.
Episode 81
Beneficial
Everybody has a sense of what is right inside of them, or they become Fate, something less than human. We are all born with this innate nature, as redundant as it may be. However, situations and ordeals force our hands into predicaments which change our destiny into something it was not meant to be. Fate must always be challenged, or our purpose will be corrupted into something its not meant to be. Everything- good and evil, throughout history, has always formed a purpose for our benefit.
Episode 82
Recollect
If words could draw a tear, then mine will make you shatter. So step to the top, without fear, or your wisdom won’t even matter. All have faltered, though none have cried. As I have returned, they have arrived. Willpower is a drifting current, moving through the endless pond. It gathers all that it touches, quietly engulfing our hopes and capturing our spirit. Driving forward using all power it can muster; halting not, it continues its journey. Disappearing into the depth of the unseen, to begin its voyage anew. Two brothers walked at their side- one spoke the truth while the other lied, yet the both proclaimed, “For victory do I ride!” All knew the folly they had stayed- no memory of theirs could ever fade, but they together understood, “From defeat are you made!”
Episode 83
Emotional
I can see through the curtain that you have put over your heart. I see all your troubles, and it burns you, but you’ve always known of my gift. I can feel your pain, your burdens, your troubles, and I’m here to help. Your joy is yours alone to experience, but your burdens are mine to bear with you. In my world, all hearts beat together as one, melodious song.
Episode 84
Miracle
You can be physically rich, but the greater one aspect becomes, the weaker all other areas become; this is the reason to be flexible in nature. Wake up kids; we’ve been dreaming all along, and we’re busy still making the same mistakes. Every night we do the same foolish moves, and then wake up as something different. We only get what we give.
Episode 85
Regal
Purple is indeed a color of power, salvation, and justice. It’s a symbol of greatness, and shown to those of a deserving nature. However, it isn’t always earned, and often is given away as a prize to those not ready for power. Any power will corrupt those who do not intend to use it for the better of others. The ninth day had arisen with the judgment.
Episode 86
Talents
I take the memories of others and make them a part of me. It is possible to say that I am made up by what others have created me to be. However, my true nature was created of and by myself. My gift is not often spoken of, in fear of losing it. I’ll hide it away, but show its purpose off whenever it is needed. Everybody has a gift, or I would not be who I am today, that is why everybody else must continue whenever memories are formed, be good or bad, we must somehow carry on. Soon, all shall be revealed.
Episode 87
Message
The time has come for everything to be carried out, and I’m not afraid. Though the past has grace if I give up, the future beams for my success. I cannot back down now, or I’ll lose everything I’ve worked so hard for. Fate is waiting for me to fall, and everybody is calling for my greatness. I’ll open everything around your heart for the morning light. Vengeance is seeking my heart, to take advantage and strike down all which has caused my pain. My nature may be golden, but only because of others. Salvation is holy mercy, in a time of great misery. Everything is beating me down, but I will not falter. Tonight is the final move for you to make. Compassion is what the truth holds for the future.
Episode 88
Solitude
Being a loner has helped shape my abilities. If it weren’t for my being different, I may not have such an amazing gift. Not having to show such remorse means I am able to form sharper opinions and deeper thoughts than most. However, I hope the gift I have now is able to both survive and expand as time goes on. If I remain stationary, it will fade.
Episode 89
Respect
People have respect, and some people do not. To give respect to others is to give yourself respect as well. This is something to give to others as you’d like to receive. If you do not respect others, you too will not be respected. To respect is to admire, cherish, and believe. It is not something given, it is something to be earned by hardships, ordeals, and trials. However, we are not meant to disrespect despite our not lack of knowledge.
Episode 90
Finishing
Most people care for only the most trivial of matter, not willing to look at what actually matters. Things must be accomplished to save the present but preserve the future. Anything that is done for personal gain will not last forever. Society cares to point out flaws, but ignore what has been done, but maybe for a good reason. If we dwell only on our successes, we cannot grow. However, if we only point out trivial matters, we cannot complete what we have already started. There is always something to be accomplished.
Episode 91
Chi Alpha VII
You were able to live still, but if you couldn’t live with yourself, it didn’t matter. This is why you never cared what others thought of you. You didn’t need others in order to survive, but if you were betrayed by your own heart and mind, the battle was futile. Still, you went on each day eager to finish what had been started for you, but only if it was done your way. However, in the end, if it weren’t for you, nobody could live with guilt.
Episode 92
Accountability
Point to the judge- he who is able to decide the guilt of another. Truly, none, alive, are able to do so. Only those who have fallen are able to point Him out. However, while here, we must be held accountable for our actions, or, it isn’t our own guilt we must live with, but the guilt of others. It is not only for our own benefit to survive failure, but for the benefit of others, who can learn from our mistakes. However, advice cannot be taken seriously for all matters- for no two scenarios are ever the same. Honestly, if we wish to make it on our own, we must fall. Though there are always reasons for actions, they cannot be free for the destruction they cause. Face your failure- great, natural failure!
Episode 93
Focal Point
I’m tired of the same old “jack of all trades” routine. If I were able to concentrate my efforts on a single area, I may become stronger than I am already. To divide my strengths also divides my weaknesses. From this, I can understand in a more detailed path what makes me weak, so that I can become stronger. I cannot stay divided forever, though, and the pieces must be gathered for the puzzle to be completed. This is a puzzle, not a game.
Episode 94
Responsibility
How can I claim to help others with their problems when I fail to challenge my own. Again, I become a hypocrite, but that does not make me wrong, just ignorant. I lack the motivation and strong sense of responsibility. I suppose I am too lackadaisical with important matters, wishing only to prolong the inevitable so that I can help others. However, if I can’t help myself, how can I claim to help others? Humorously, I have many useless abilities, but they all mean something, oddly enough. Whenever the time comes for me to use them, I gladly will. My responsibility remains intact, but is yours?
Episode 95
Inflictions
People who inflict pain to escape other pain are hypocrites, but, I suppose they find a truth within their pain, as I have too. To escape one area of pain by causing pain in another area only causes more pain in the future- when it must be confronted. However, it is a time for understanding and thought, not for avoiding what ultimately must end. To be ignorant of the truth is to live a lie, and though there is wisdom in pain, there is no love. Honestly, I am content, but ready to fall again; for the moment, I have all joy needed.
Episode 96
Hardships
No, I don’t know the pain you’re going through, but we all have trials. Let me help you, because I’m here now, and will continue to be throughout the future. I didn’t put my heart out to be ignored or be popular. I’m here for you, not myself, or I simply wouldn’t waste my time for somebody who’s not willing to see the truth. Don’t say that your problems are the most important, because I cannot agree. Though one is all, the truth becomes a lie if abused- used for all the wrong reasons. Your troubles mean the most to me, but this cannot be applied to everybody. I’m here for you, not myself.
Episode 98
Mindlessness
What makes us different? Is it true that we can only think for ourselves? I can think only through my own mind, but I am able to see beyond this. There is no concrete separation of thoughts, as long as we can think. If you try to see beyond this illusion, you will see that we are not bound to a single consciousness. These are atoms, bound to a single current, but what makes this current unique to each soul? This is what helps me see through others, because I can make an estimate of what they are thinking. Also, I’m aware of the events that set their emotions into place. Nobody can hide how they feel from me.
Episode 99
For Love
Love is being complete with somebody and knowing that your faults mean nothing to them. Being able to care for somebody so much that you’d let them go if it meant their happiness would be fulfilled. The ability to talk about anything. Knowing what the other is thinking and being with each other even when you’re apart. Love is not having to change because the accept you as you do them. They are gorgeous, not hot or sexy. You don’t need them to anything more than just be with you. They don’t just mean the world, they are your world. You don’t need a partner or partners- you just need them.
Episode 100
Forever
These ordeals have been recorded in the hope that, if needed, others, including myself, will have something to look back to. This is so that the trials of the future will never be as much as an ordeal as they have been in the past. Hopefully this will be used for the benefits of others, though through my expense, I’m willing to have written it all down. If forgotten, this will have all been for nothing. Despite the pathway, we’ve traveled far. (Sincerely, this is overwhelming, is it not? [237])
Episode 101
Elegance
Brilliance is passion. My poetry is empty words, on a shallow sea, until I find her- the one for me. The reason they aren’t worthless is because, though my mind creates, my heart give it power. If my poetry makes your day, then my words shall blow you away. If words can make you cry, then mine will make you shatter; so step to the top, without fear, or your wisdom won’t even matter. There is more elegance in language than all of nature.
Episode 102
Fearful
I am afraid of not being able to use my gift, not of death. Rather, the absence of what makes me different from others, and separate from normal is the death of my soul. Whatever makes me distinguished from others is my passion, and it breaths the gift into the minds of others, without it, I become normal. Not being able to read the hearts of others puts a wall between my heart and mind. From this, my soul is torn into two, and has not the balance to see others as they would like to be seen, instead, the world’s view. Being different is way better than being normal.
Episode 103
Useless
They say the most useless of talents are often the greatest. However, often I wonder, whenever one says “they say” I’ll say “who’s they?” To be honest, the forms of society have twisted the stereotypes into the way that it would like to be controlled. If it is not good enough to survive scrutiny, it does not belong. This does not mean that its destiny has been forfeited. Ignorance feigns foolishness, as does arrogance.
Episode 104
Passion
This is a never ending journey, but where does it begin? Surely the world knows, or, as I believe, pretends to. Only we know who are inside, but, then again, this gift has been given to me to read the hearts of others. However, I will not read the hearts of my friends, because I trust them enough to realize that if they do not wish to tell me how they feel, maybe it’s for the best. I give them their freedom because they deserve it, but isn’t that hypocritical? No; others must allow me to see them for who they are.
Episode 105
Ace of Hearts
I’m the kind of guy who is able to move through anything life throws at me. It isn’t so simple as others wish to paint this picture. Though I’m shameless, it isn’t myself I wish to protect, but instead others, who matter more to me than myself. Is this me being selfless or selfish, wanting to be cared about in return? I read hearts, neither minds nor intentions, just strict emotions. This is so often confused with PSI and ESP. Somebody in the world has to see through what Nature has blended into the souls of man- and the gift has been granted to me. I cannot fall victim to Fate.
Episode 107
Truthful
The truth is always out there, but it is up to people to see it. If they do not wish to see it, they will be blind to all but lies. Whatever we believe in exists, rather it be true or not. There is truth in everybody, but only a few people can see it. In this belief, everybody is misunderstood by almost all. It is then up to everybody else to see the truth, or others will live life as a lie. Who has the courage to take up the burdens of others, selflessly?
Episode 108
Shadow
I sense dark times ahead for several friends. They know I’ll always be here for them, but I’d rather not, for that would mean they’ve fallen. I only wish for the best for those I love, even if it results in my pain. I’m not interested in living the lives of others. Hopefully, I will be able to lift them up from the abyss, as they have done for me time and time again. Though the hearts of others may go, I can never control what lies in their soul.
Episode 109
Eyes of Souls
The eyes are the windows to the soul. Through them I am able to read the hearts of others as well as share my true nature, all I need is direct eye contact with any person. I can see what they’ve through, and how they feel at the present. I am able to direct my pain into their hearts, not to inflict pain but to see their response. Only then will I know what truly lies in their hearts, and within mine. This is how I erase both my pain and the misery of others who have made life around me possible. This is not a limited gift.
Episode 110
Yesterday
Everything that happens today is because of the works of yesterday. Wisdom changes, and though we are correct today, we may be wrong or wronged tomorrow. The variables can be changed only now, and it is not possible to change the past. For Destiny has already placed the reigns of history to Fate. We can only try to change what may happen, but we can never change what must happen. Maybe it’s possible to abolish never. This would ultimately lead to the destruction of Destiny, and Fate would rule over the future. I’m not totally correct today, nor am I wrong, at least, I’d hope not. However, nothing is for sure until the future is present. I’m aware I don’t know everything, but I hope to.
Episode 111
Exceptions
There are those immune to my gift- family and friends. It’s not that they cannot negate my power, but rather, I am not able to see their hearts. Destiny cannot be defeated, and so, I cannot see through those it has protected. Familiarity breeds contempt. There are always fakes and frauds. I only hope I will not become one of them. The more I believe that everything is the truth, the more of a lie I become. The valley is full of exceptions.
Episode 112
Freelance
I have been called a master of words and genius to language. Though I can create more elegance with a single poem than Destiny can through an entire lifetime, it is fruitless unless others seek out my truth. My words are to be read, but nobody should live them. This is my way, and though none else must follow it, they are able to.
Episode 113
Difference
I’d rather be against the world than a part of it, perhaps this is why I wish to be different. Maybe my gift isn’t so limited as I believe it is, or maybe it’s a false belief entirely. Either way, I’m beginning to think that it’s not that I can read the hearts of others, but others can read my heart. I cannot help but wish never to be normal. I love being psychic at times, and though that is not the gift, there is none else it can be called. It is a special gift.
Episode 117
Decisiveness I
Here’s the story you’ll never find in a book; it’s in your heart, now you must take a look. Why should we wait for the time to come, when the twilight sets the burning sun? Can you see me? I see through you. Can you see me, though I can’t see you? Who in the Hell has made the first move; what can we all do right now, right now? Waiting is the game, though we shall never fade, time makes a stand now. Where shall we go when everything else falls right into the ruined ground? Where has time gone, and what of your newfound soul? What shall we do right now? Can you not see me for who I am, though I have you in my heart, beating so fast. Hearts and minds, go through time, forever- never changing.
Episode 118
Decisiveness II
What is this ordeal we are living through? Where in Creation have our dreams all gone to- never, ever told? We are together and though time stops, we will never fall down, falling down now. True love, never backing down; through our hearts we see the untold truth. Decisively, we continue through destiny despite the roads we have chosen. We cannot fall down, and we will never back down, not again, oh, not again. Hearts and minds, go through time, forever- never changing.
Episode 119
Decisiveness III
Our hearts have fallen straight to the ground; finally, we cannot continue now. Who’s the master and who had given power to the almighty destroyer of all? Oh, I come as the new champion of hope, to show you a new path. We cannot move through life as an eternal lie to those we cherish the most. Hearts and minds, tell through time, to always act decisive.
Episode 120
Journey
I’ve been wasting time on time, and on you. Though I do not know what your future is, we are all able to read the past. You can try to hide your feelings, but then you are a lie. This is an ordeal for all to clear. Tonight’s a night for living, not thinking of destruction. Where there is turmoil, however, there is also a chance for creation. I am not afraid, nor ashamed, nor proud of my faults. We are all at fault, but it is up to me to see this through.
Episode 121
Following
It’s what makes me different from all else. You’ve seen my soul, and that day is in my mind, though there is no other of my kind. I shouldn’t ask why not to forgive you, it is what makes me different from the crowd. I forgave you before it occurred. Nothing can change my way, it is the only thing I can forever say. Though destroyed my heart was, it’s not from impatience that I move on. From grace and elegance comes harmony. My life has shown you the way, yet it happens every day. I only ask for your forgiveness. Don’t follow the ways of others. You must be willing to follow your own advice, or it is a lie. You can only follow your path of destiny.
Episode 122
Heroism
Everybody has a sense of a hero within themselves. However, don’t paint me as a hero, for am anything but. The real heroes of the world do not have to boast how they have become such icons. True heroes never have to claim their greatness, for others can see in their hearts, as sure as I can see through strangers. We are all destined for heroism.
Episode 123
Failure
All fail at one time or another, and it is only up to us to set things right. We gain more wisdom through failure than we grow when we are right. Whenever we are incorrect, and we see our mistakes, we grow more than we could hope. Others see this, and they too are able to become stronger through our troubles. A single trial is the same as a million.
Episode 124
Separation
Though I have been blocked off from what I care about most, I have not yet lost. Though being wrong is what I wish, always do I win. This is because I am able to change what does and does not matter to me. Envious, fools ready themselves to be destroyed by my power of creation. Come, see your failure, so that it may be abolished as you would too. Time must go onward, whether or not I’m patient. Through this, I will become stronger. Missing you very much right now.
Episode 125
Beloved
Though there is a disconnection of our hearts at the moment, something remains. Distance only adds to the already strong friendship, and time will either add or subtract from it; I worry for the latter. I am able to only go a short while without those I care about the most for. Is it possible then, to say that I am alone? It must be. This is not solitude, it is the state of loneliness. The gift remains but a hollow shell without compassion.
Episode 126
Falsehood
We can never truly know the nature of a person by what we are told. Instead, we must try to understand how they feel and where they are coming from. By doing this, we not only help others, but we grow inside- we mature. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. There are times when advice from others should be taken, though not always at its fullest extent. Wherever there is place for hypocrisy, we should seek out the truth and the lies.
Episode 127
Revenge
The feeling of anger would have taken over, if it weren’t for others, whom I was disconnected from. They saw the light that was created during the counter, and tried to remind me of it. However, ignorant, I painted a picture of sadness. Earlier, I sought to destroy everything that had been against me. This would have made me even more ignorant of my faults and arrogant in my gifts. I needed patience. No more would I allow Fate to control my thoughts and feelings. I made my move, on my own accord.
Episode 128
Inferno
Blazing passion paves the road to a better destiny. Though we cannot manipulate Destiny, we can mold it to our choosing by changing our fates. Only with passion can we become brilliant in both heart and mind. Arrowed hearts catch fire now. Where does such passion originate from and how can we attain it? This isn’t from strict motivation, just love. Somebody once said, the answer is in the wind.
Episode 129
Language
Words are far more wise than our actions. However, without them, we cannot move ahead, and solely with them, we will be destroyed. The world cannot be ruled over by words alone, nor actions in secret, but by both equal and in balance. Words create actions, either in physical or mental form. We may say what we believe, but if we do not see its truth, than we are living a lie. Show your strength, faith, words, and actions- all together. It’s not hard to find friends here, it’s difficult to find true friend anywhere in the world.
Episode 130
Remnants
They said that they would never fall in love again. This was a surefire lie, to be sure, but were they really so heartbroken to have given up? Such ignorance feigns foolishness. Whatever caused them to think as such should be abolished immediately. They cannot say that would not fall in love when they were never in love in the first place. To have given up shows that they were not loved in return anyway. But to see ahead for a few inches is just plain ignorant- they have no idea what the future holds. They believed that their life was over and that nothing would ever go right again. They never spoke of their ordeal, just that they had failed. Well, in the speech of failure, you create your own. Whatever happened to speech of power and grace? Elegance died when both their hearts and minds were twisted with ignorance and blindness. Ignorance is bliss, only because it is easier to live in an illusion, be it good or bad, when it means that no work has to be done. Everything has shown them a loss or lack of love, when just the opposite is true.
Episode 131
Embrace
Understand why I am standing here. I’m not alone, just waiting, for the time when you’ll see why I’ve been here. I’ll believe in you, whether or not you see me. They do not see what I see in you- compassion. We’re friends, and I won’t allow disillusionment to take a hold of the truth, and taint its meaning. Nobody else has to understand. Be it false or true, nothing can stop my caring for you. Whenever you need a hand, I’ll reach out. Tell me your story, as I have told mine, and I will listen. We all have different purposes, but not all have been lived as needed. With a smile and embrace, life has been sewn with grace. Do I love? Of course; I could not be called a friend if I did not.
Episode 132
Determination
Yeah, I’m back; what did you expect? I’m here to win completely, or lose with my honor still intact. I’m moving up, moving fast. Some say I’m the best there ever was, at least, when my resolve is driving me to finish. There’s no shame, for my gift was never born. There is a reason why I’m here, why this is my world, and it’s because I love you. Compromise will always exist, as long as I’m here to bind the pages together- a world constantly divided. This is why my life is an open book. So, bring all you can to bring me down, because as long as the voice inside of me drives me to continue the fight, I’ll never back away from the top. Come on, there’s no time left remaining- we’ve got to do this now or never. Take my hand and I’ll take you to the worlds you long to explore. Determined, I go on, seeking to end the resolve in my life.
Episode 133
Partners
Give me your trust. I’ve met people who were told their entire lives that they were worthless and hopeless. Even a lone girl, though popular, was deserted by her best friend, and believed that she was forever lost. There are people in the world who are given power by others, but that isn’t true power. Some people are born with greatness, others must build it up themselves. Honestly, it is the people who create their own strength who are the most amazing of all. My job isn’t to judge, and it never was, but I’ll hold on longer.
Episode 134
Perfection
Isn’t everything to be seen by the eyes of the beholder. If you see something as perfect, no fault can ever change your mind. Though, there will be bad, isn’t it time to look at the better part of nature- isn’t it time we do the forgiving? One person can look at a painting and see destruction while another may see perfection. None are able to say with certainty, however, it doesn’t really matter. All people are meant to believe in something, or they will live a lie. Here I come, to show the world the greatness of all.
Episode 135
Egotistical
Trust me, I am hated by many, and, though this matters deeply, I am also loved. However, if I allow my gift to take control of my heart and mind, I will believe myself to be the best, and I know I am not. I cannot allow myself to become arrogant, or my message becomes tainted. There will always be times when I am wrong, and I cannot always win, despite my deep willpower. Only time will tell if all can be confronted correctly.
Episode 136
Fighting
If you’re going to fight for something, you must make sure it’s for the right reasons, or Destiny will not allow it to be fulfilled. Surely, not much Fate takes over in such ordeals if a loss comes your way. However, if you back down because of this believe when you fall, then you too are ignorant of its meaning. We must all fall at one time or another, it’s just human nature. If we fight for the right causes, however, though we lose, in the end, we will always win. Don’t stop believing when everything’s a blur, or you will fall.
Episode 137
Apologies
I’ve been wrong many times in my life, and have also brought my pain into the lives of others- something I vowed never to do. Though there is truth in hypocrisy, I thought it to be the only thing to exist. There was also a lie in the truth, and it was therefore corrupted. Nothing more needs to be said, or it won’t matter anymore. Just know that I understand the mistakes I had made, and they were never true as long as I ignored the lies. Time and again I apologized for my inconvenience, and though I too need forgiving, I ignored this. I’m so sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to be forgiven as I was before.
Episode 138
Rosebud
Memories bound by time’s hand, a story not writ by allusion. As fire blazes to scorch the land, dreams face a certain execution. Judgment is passed by demand, and all shall see my great resolution. Truly, the greatest things in the world cannot be said in words. The things we love most cannot be so simplified. If what we cherish most can be described, then it is not really as important as we first deemed it to be. You talk with people, not to them as some would like you to believe. Wherever there are lies, there must be truth. Trust in my words, as you would trust the petals of a rose to blossom.
Episode 139
Regrets
Everybody in the world would wish to live without regrets, choosing to always overcome Fate in any situation. However, this cannot always be done, but we are able to become wiser from these ordeals. Long ago I lost a friend, and without reason, I embraced her, but before she left, I felt that I had broken her. I abused the gift, and left her shimmering. Every day after I fell more and more into agony- and it was not knowing of what I did was right or not that kept eating at me. Years came and passed, until the day she returned. Everything about me fell apart, but was also renewed. She understood, and became one of my greatest friends. Tell me, what is life without a little disappointment?
Episode 140
Passive
Oh, come and test me, for I am not ignorant. Try to get passed me and fool me, because you will lose every time. I’m not some cheap trick that can be played. Nobody who comes against me can do so foolishly. Nothing small can get passed me, but only those with strong determination can hope to overcome my burdens. Truly, more is said in one sentence than all the words in the world, and I have proven to use them with wisdom. Anybody who wishes to seek victory must first see that failure is always possible.
Episode 141
Control
Though I have the power to control both chaos and order, it is not my job to do so. However, I was gifted with the power of an ace, but it has been abused. The truth is that, although I need her, I am not needed by her. This mutuality between us has caused a flux in my wisdom. I know I have been wrong, and though I am loath to be right, it must happen once in a while, and now may be that time. You’re just like my judge, buried deep in the past. You’re pushing me away, and it’s hitting my soul. There is no side between us, and yet you’d paint a line across the land, and again you run away from me. There is no purpose to throw everything away. Every day I look at something and it reminds me.
Episode 142
Expectations
You may see the future, but you are arrogant to exist in it already. Are you fighting to prove them wrong or show that everything else is right? Nothing you say matters anymore because you have corrupted your beliefs. Though there is truth in your words, it is why you said them that turned them into lies. Times will always change, and so will people. This is why you cannot hold onto vengeance, because when the time comes, everything else will change and it will be you left in the darkness. Never give up on your promises.
Episode 143
Honesty
I wasn’t completely honest back then, ya know. There were things that I was ashamed of, though I told myself that I had nothing to lose. However, you deserve to know them, because of who you are, not what you are. It has become one of my greatest regrets, that you’d be lied to by me- the one who claimed to always know what was best. Please don’t ask me why I did it, for it was to become normal. I’m a hypocrite, but I wish to set everything straight. You have to tell the truth, despite what the outcome may be, you cannot lie for benefit. If you’d allow it, I will not leave again. I’m so sorry for everything.
Episode 144
Infatuation
Most people confuse passion with infatuation. Indeed, this makes matters much more difficult when trying to move through time. However, it is not as easy to abolish as one might think. True, I was infatuated not long ago with somebody who I believed to be a friend, but has shown me otherwise. I’m not sure what she wants, though I actually do. This hypocrisy is more true than any other. The more we tell ourselves we like something, the more we believe it, whether it be true or not. The same goes with lies that we constantly tell ourselves, and perhaps others as well. The more we say, the more we think.
Episode 145
Poetics
My world has been made into a novel, and I read you like a book. Might I say, this story is amazing and the cover is simple beautiful. There is no passion in old lines used simply to attain attraction. I prefer my own words because they flow from my heart. These words aren’t nearly as empty as they appear to be, because the hold much more purpose than to grab attention. It’s up to the one the words are intended for to understand their reasoning. I do not hide behind my words, thought it’d be easier to have a reason for failure.
Episode 146
Remainder
Time passed by, I once asked a friend if what I questioned could be answer. He only replied that the answer is in the wind. I’m not sure yet, but I believe it to mean that we often try to ask questions whose answers we cannot completely grasp, but often is right in front of us. We are surrounded by the truth, but we choose to place a focus on such a small area, that we lose the entire idea. The answer may be in the wind, but not yet found.
Episode 147
Incredulous
Yes, I know this pain that you speak of; you feel like you’re going to fade away. Though it’d be for the better for one of us to explain, we’d rather live in the illusion. We cannot go on each day believing that nobody understands what we are going through. Everything becomes a lie in this mindset. Then when the truth is made manifest, we claim it to be false, though it truly is the gift of one calling. Reach out to what you know to be true.
Episode 148
Greatest
I’m aware that, though wise, I am not the best of all. I wish to know then who claims such a title. Surely, there is none in the world who can. Even still, there are those who have more wisdom than myself. This is true, but what about people who are my age. The one who is greater than me- I wish to meet them. I need to know what I am missing, otherwise my purpose is none. Even with my gift, if I am unsure of my destiny, Fate will control.
Episode 149
Mistakes
The pain I felt earlier- it was not worth the sound of all screaming in unison. There was no reason for the burden to be made heavier, for she wasn’t worth it. However, she is indeed worth it, and the hypocrisy continues. She is worth everything, but so is everybody else around me. There was nothing special about her, except that she was special to me. Infatuation took control of me, and made me believe the lies I had writ. Time controls everything, so we cannot control time. The truth comes reeling in, and I’m prepared.
Episode 150
Creation
Tell me of the pain that you feel, because I’ve felt it as well. However, we may fade with it if it is not abolished. There is no reason why we shouldn’t explain how we feel. You can’t see past my faults to see your own faults. We’ve all made mistakes, but it takes courage and understanding to see them through. I’m aware that I have been forgiven, but can you forgive me? What we’ve been trying to attain has turned into nothing more than lies that tear us down. You can’t see me, because you cannot love. There is no greater sin that failing to forgive, but also to claim that your forgiveness is best. Now you’ve been made to fail, because you find solace in my failure. See your own failure through first.
Episode 151
Weakness
Some would call me weak for holding back, but honestly, I am strong to hold back. Though it is easy to let go, it is much tougher to hold on. However, not in all matters is this true. Only with small matters is it true- with things that don’t depend on time. The more important an issue is, the easier it is to hold onto and the harder it is to admit defeat. This is where compromise comes in handy, but only if the opposing party is willing to listen. Honestly, the strongest of people are those who understand that tides will swing.
Episode 152
Mesmerizing
Not all the glitters is gold. However, we’d rather be correct than to be wronged, so we take the chances, and the consequences of our actions. Though difficult, if we fail to see them through, then our efforts were in vain. We must see things for what the truly are, like a book. Though the cover may be brilliant, if the pages are torn, than it is worthless. Though at one time, it may have been great, now the story has become corrupted.
Episode 153
Dependence
You cannot rely on others to accomplish your goals. This is not to say that you don’t need others, but you must live your own life. To find greatness, you have to look inside yourself, not to others, or you cannot grow. Tell me where you can find greatness, and you will only speak of your reflection. Like those before you, some are born great, while others must look towards themselves to find their power. Only those who are willing to become great, and overcome ordeals, will become heroes. This is your own resolve.
Episode 154
Otherwise
The conflict was in your hands, and I blamed myself for so long. This trouble was caused by your hands, not some greater power. The future was already known, and I just went along for the ride, aware of what was to come. I believed that everything was going to tear me down. There was something remaining, and only I could see it, though it was impossible to write about. We must move on, but unless you talk to me, we will never.
Episode 155
Impossible
Even with all the abilities of the world, there are some things I cannot do. However, it’s not like I don’t care nor understand, it’s just not my place. There are things that I am able to help with, but even then, I cannot live the lives of others. My burdens are not for others to hold, so I, myself, must remain steadfast and strong through any ordeal. Recall that the memories of others become a part of who me. Everybody makes up a part of who I am.
Episode 156
Carrying
Though hardships come beating us down, we must somehow carry on, even through loss. Sometimes words help while other times they only destroy. How can such a brilliant form of creation be used to build such agony? For my gift, I have paid a price. My burdens will never be made for others to help, at least, that’s what I thought at first. To think such a part makes me more important and egotistical than I really am. There are times when help is desperately needed, and I will not allow pain to take advantage of the gift. No matter what happens, there will always be a way out. You may not understand, but I will help.
Episode 157
Limitations
In my left hand I hold the power of creation, while in my right hand I hold destruction. Guess which I am prepared to use at the moment. Indeed, I promised you revenge, and with my eyes I have the power to take everything and everyone away. However, it is not something I can do so easily. This is not simply my way, my own path. I have to get a hold of my life. Though I want to fly high, if it means the pain of others, I will not go through with it. Why can't you be negative once in a while?
Episode 158
Dear Nikki
I'm sorry to have caused you so much pain, but now allow me to speak. Ever since I met you, I had liked you. However, I was too afraid to ask you out. Every time you spoke to me, my heart jumped. This is weird, I know, but I just have to let you know how I feel. I vowed that I would always understand my friends, and though this time is no different, now I feel as if I lost one of the greatest friends. And maybe we were never friends, but you have no idea how much I liked talking with you- just being random. Yet, when we dated, I lost a part of me, my fun side, and switched it with something I'm not. Honestly, not a single person I have ever known agreed to go out on a single date with me, and when you agreed, I felt amazing. Then I became more boring than a pig looking for acorn in the middle of winter, stuck on an elevator.. a burning elevator.. with a corpse. Yes, I'm aware you don't want to speak with me, it's uncomfortable, you don't need me in your life, and blah blah blah, but you see, there's something I must tell you. It's much harder to move on than most people want me to believe. I hope I'm not being selfish, but I'm really hurt. Everybody says that I'm better than you and all that random stuff that "friends" say to cheer us up, but I know they're wrong about you. Only I knew you, while they did not. I realize that I'm a very clingy friend, and only a few of my best friends understand me, even though I pour my heart out as I am now. I just think that sometimes I have to stop doing the forgiving and be forgiven, and honestly, by now, I forgot why I began writing this.. oh yeah! Nope.. I forgot... You see, I'm more than just empty words on a shallow sea- it's because you were with me. I was so scared that I'd lose you that I clung to you like Velcro on my dog, or even worse.. those spiny things in your back yard that seemingly come out of nowhere every summer that appear just to tick me off. Ironically, it was because of this that everything went to Hell. Not only did I lose a relationship, I lost something far more valuable- you. I've been told that I'm the most genuine guy in the world.. but who really cares if I'm acting like a fake? I'm not Robert the Boyfriend, I'm Robert Maloney, the Super Mega Awesome Soccer Playing English Major Maloney.. Badass.. and whatever more that describes me! In addition, it's really hard to go on a world cruise with somebody who currently isn't talking with me anymore (think back to the summer if you don't remember). What I'm trying to say is this; I've said everything that can be said now, and though I believe that what we care about most cannot be described in words, this is the best I could do. I miss myself, my real self, not a fake, but most important of all, you, because you're the only you ever. I didn't write this to annoy or get back together. I wrote it because you deserve to know how I feel, but finally, that I'm absolutely sorry for everything, and that you are more important than any words describe. I'm missing you very much, but how do you feel?
Episode 159
Annihilation
How many friends must I have until I find her? How many time must I fall before she can help me up? How many sleepless nights must I endure before I awaken? Some may think it’s a blessing to control emotions so gracefully, but the curse is holding them back. Unfortunately, with such ability comes pain. Being able to cause so much destruction just by looking into the eyes of another poses a threat to others. If I was able to know why only I must feel such agony, I might inflict it upon others. Though others want me to let go, something forces me to need everything. I’m wondering when you’ll be crying.
Episode 160
Recovery
I’m not sure how I should feel. There’s been the opportunity to just let everything go, but then I’d be more hurt than I am already. Perhaps this is meant, if only for the moment, to allow me time to regain lost strength. Hopefully there is no pain being inflicted at their expense. Whatever happens, I’m not alone. There’s the knowledge that, no matter what happens, there will always be others to fight for. Understanding may be the first step, but it is certainly not the most important or last. The writing of my emotions helps me solve many issues, but also it dulls my purpose. I’m not meant to be created multiple times. Everything that makes me who I am is caused from the actions and memories of others.
Episode 161
Reliability
So, this has appeared yet more, as does my failure. However, in this story, there are no two chapters alike. Such a bittersweet victory is a shame. I did come here to win one battle and lose all the others. There’s more to this chapter than one might think. These words, although hallow, have more depth than the worlds deepest trench. It is therefore up to the readers of such life to decide how it shall end. The pages are still blank and are prepared to be writ, but who is holding the pen now? If only such a person could exist. So, tell me, how does my story end, without the creation of the next chapter?
Episode 162
Reliance
This is how I truly feel. Betrayed and abandoned. Your memories burn my soul as no other ever has nor will. There is no point in continuing this conflict, if it weren’t for the motivation that has accompanied all this way through. However, it is this same drive that brings me to pain every time I think of you. Stay away from my memories, there is no place for you in my life. Why would you still inflict such agony on somebody who care so much- out of ignorance or arrogance? Either has played you as a fool and me as a pawn. This is not how it goes. This is not how this chapter shall end. For victory do I ride, and defeat is always an option, but from failure are we made. You choose to ignore this fact, and your ignorance feigns foolishness. I can read your heart, and write over its pages. However, your memories have become a part of my life, despite the misery they cause. Now I must become my own purpose, devoid of everything that you stole from me, as they have been replaced with what you created. Stay away from my memories forever.
Episode 163
Obvious
So, it has come to this- sheer determination. To destroy what you have wrought upon my gift, made into a joke. This is my story, and you shall not be in it anymore. If I am not able to be a part of yours, then may the memories of me burn your soul for eternity. There will no longer be any time for mercy, for you had given me none. Are you so blind to what appears before you- as I had the gift! Abused it was by your hands, stained forever.
Episode 164
Expanse
I’m aware that I must let this pain go, but it is not so easy as one might think. Truth be told, if I give up the pain, then I must also give up the better parts of the past. Such a bipolar matter, to be honest, but that’s just it. I both miss and hate you. It’s a complicated matter that you are not will to hear. You threw my memories out long ago, and I do not understand why, so I will not pretend to. However, this is not being able to decide which path to choose, I’m not even sure I’m on one now. This pain is because I’m being torn in two, by the two parts of my soul. The heart and the mind, again, in eternal conflict. Greatness lies with each path, but one will destroy in arrogance while the other creates in ignorance, so which should be chosen? I do not have all time to decide. Perhaps the hypocrisy should be chosen as it now, but it has brought nothing to my life. Be prepared.
Episode 165
Binding
That was the ending, and now I can move on. My feelings have been exposed, so nothing more is holding me back. Though that night will be stained in my memories forever, it’s because I care that I’m able to move on. If needed, my past can be used for the better part of my gift and of nature. However, part of my heart has been taken away with this entire ordeal, never to be returned. It’s not over yet, not for anyway, and though I cannot see the future as clearly as I’d like, something is able to be read here and now, so that they can be changed later when needed. I’m not meant to be boring, and if that is what I must be to survive that entire time of happiness, than truly we’re not meant to be. My true self lies within my hyperactivity, wisdom, and just being me. Never again will I be a fraud or fake.
Episode 166
Wishful
Time is almost up, and I’m still working. My feelings are what drive me to think- the reason why my life is an open book for all to read. Though there will be ordeals all along the road, I will not leave. As long as there’s something pushing me to do what’s needed, nothing can stop me. Time won’t wait and I’ve got so much to do. Show me who is able to tell me how I should live, and you will show me nobody. Everything is running out, and I’m still not looking inside myself for answers. There is nothing that can simply be wished for without work to be done. This is a law of Nature, built by The Judge. Wherever there is pain, there is hope, and above all else, sheer determination. If this is given up, then there never was a point. Try to see who I am, because I’m the only one. But it’s not something to be done my way, more hypocrisy, but without a truth behind it.
Episode 167
Brotherhood
People are too easy to give up a friend for their own benefit, despite the bond that the other may have built, alone. There is no trust within their hearts, and there never will be so as long as they give up. They’ve all put themselves into this situation. With their ignorance, they feigned friendship. Still, love is a one way street to them, and until this changes, they will never win. Tell me, because I must know, what are my faults now? Why would I trust though none would give it return- there’s an exception to every rule.
Episode 168
Reaching
You know that my life has never been perfect, and even at times I’ve been absolutely hated and despised by almost all. I’ve lied for my sole benefit, and like all lies, it backfired, and what friends I did have, were on the brink of destruction. However, there was always one person there that helped me to change, no matter what time it was in life. Sometimes it’s not others that need changing as much as we do- both our understand, emotions, and attitudes. I’ve felt pain before it was inflicted, and happiness has put me on a high for months at a time, despite being surrounded by sorrow. If we don’t look ahead, then the past has no mercy for us. We must look back so we can move forward at times. Just because I have an ability doesn’t mean I have to use it for solely my own benefit.
Episode 169
Promise
Though you’ve tried so hard to avert your gaze, I see through your heart. However, there is nothing I can see without your acceptance. What would it take to bring your happiness? Could there be something in the horizon to bring joy? How about you smile for a start. Nobody knows how easy it is to get lost in the sea of words, how to know what to say. Whatever happened in the past, I’m ready to avert into the future, but when you turn away from me, you won’t allow me to help. Tell me what is able to bring you comfort when you’re all alone on those cold, winter nights. Why are you so obsessed over appearances? Just open your heart. I know the burden you bear, but I’ve got the strength to accept you, so why not try to trust me. I know the pain you feel, but just believe in me.
Episode 170
Possibility
As my heart burns, I wish to run away from its pain. To escape to somewhere better, but as long as my purpose remains here, it’s not something I can do so easily. Wake up from your illusion for a moment and see who I truly am. My words are just cold words on a torn page from history. My journey may be mine to travel alone, but my companions will be with me until the end of time. The fakers will fall as the path moves on as well. They’re just fools playing with their own stories, bound to fail. As long as I see you in the horizon, I must keep moving as well. With a heart full of love, and a mind of wisdom, there’s nothing that can make me stray from my life. Happiness is always an option, okay.
Episode 171
Audition
I’m aware of the burden you bear, and you feel like you’re going to be crushed. Though it’d be better if we should both explain our pains, we would rather pretend they do not exist anymore. You cannot see past my own faults to see your own. You’re going to fall down again. We’ve all committed the same sins. We think so far that we no longer are able to see them through. I’ve forgiven already, but now I long to be forgiven myself. Look around you and you’ll see the misery you’ve brought upon me. Again, you’d rather concentrate on the pain I’ve caused you than to look at the agony you’ve inflicted. Whatever was for your benefit, I gladly did, and now you won’t even look at me.
Episode 172
Honoring
If all you see is that which is in front of you, then you truly are blind. Any fool can have courage, but it takes honor to protect what is right. There is always a choice to follow what you believe, but we don’t always go through with the correct. We must sometimes give up our dreams to do what is right, no for ourselves, but for others. Whether or not we have pride or courage, we must always retain our honor. Never again should we lose sight of this truth, for if we do, we will fall into the shadows. Please, stay out of my memories.
Episode 173
Welcoming
The destroyer waits for the right moment, while we run throughout creation. Too late to give up; too late to fall once more. Take a hold of your life! Make a stand! This struggle goes on, and on, and on! Can you see me? I see through you. (Cause I love you, because I want you.) Can you see me, though I can’t see you. (There’s no shame, feel the crush, feel my pain.) Jump into the waves of your heart; feel the tides of a lost hope. This world is ready to be written; your heart is has been read. So here we go again- here I’ll try again!
Episode 174
Boundary
The pain I felt, inflicted long ago, is still lingering. My wounds are, at last, beginning to heal from the hands that made them. Maybe it’s time I move on to the horizon, because there’s nothing there for me any longer. Now I can move forward with the strength others have lent to me. Why did I rely so much on others, for forgiveness? Perhaps the answer is still in the wind, waiting to be found by the one who understands. Though there’s nothing holding me back, nor from ignorance, you are forgiven. Maybe I should believe in myself.
Episode 175
Remember
You must have unwavering honor and sheer determination if you want to see your dream through. However, at times, we must give up what we want for the benefit of others. Whenever I claim to have my wisdom in full, it means that I could only wish to know. Such words have much meaning, but only if you’re willing to hear them, as they were once called. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have goals, but what you want is not always good for others, let alone yourself. He who lives solely on hope, dies of starvation.
Episode 176
Explanation
When I feel the future coming, I try to bring it closer. Now I understand why you’re indecisive, but I’d rather have a peace of mind. As long as people choose to not compromise, we’re always going to come out on top. So now, take a look around and tell me if the future is still bleak. Can’t you see the day when everything you have done so far won’t matter. Now everybody has something to say, but it doesn’t really matter to me. Wherever there’s something to save and build- that’s where I’ll be.
Episode 177
Rendering
Everything must keep going strong, and I cannot rest yet, but neither will I cry. Once I rose above the sound of ignorance, just to see what was to come, I was at the top of the world, but I was too high. Though everything told me that I was wrong, I still longed to be correct. Acting as if I have blazing passion, my foolishness is a show. When I claim to know what’s to come, it really means that I don’t want to understand. My heart is tossed about as if it were a toy, but I know it will survive the pain that was inflicted. Carry on, nothing can bring me down, now I will not fall. There is nothing left to be ashamed of.
Episode 178
Changing
Change. I’d like to make myself believe that time moves slowly, and maybe I’m different. If something changes me, than what has made me unique this entire length was a lie. People don’t go to a swamp and bottle tainted water. In the same way, you don’t bottle bad feelings- only the good, though at the time they are useless. It will be used later, whenever it is needed. Only the blind take that which is known to be dirty. What they take up will never be used for common good. Whatever is here now cannot be tomorrow.
Episode 179
Momentarily
Whenever I close my eyes, if only for a while, and I lose so much. Everything I wish for will come to an end someday. No matter what, everything will come to an end. There is nothing that will not crumble to the rotting ground. Nothing lasts forever, but whatever remains today means something to us, so we shouldn’t give it up. Only hold on to what can create tomorrow, or it will have already faded yesterday. We’re free to fly whenever we want, but if we try to early, we’ll fall to the ground, but if we act to late, we’ll not make it to our destination. Don’t give up, but don’t live life in complete ignorance.
Episode 180
Flowing
Life may give you everything you want; adventure, fortune, and power. Then, you may wonder how you’ve attained such perfection. It won’t last forever, and it’ll leave when you’ve failed your purpose. Nothing is ever as it seems, but that doesn’t mean something isn’t there, you just have to look for it. It may be the same as it ever was, but changing. Remove what’s there already, and you’ll have nothing more to fight for- no base to build.
Episode 181
Awareness
Though I know the truth, I’d rather live a life of ignorance and hope. Knowing is more of a burden than not being able to understand. However, I must have nothing but determination so that I may be able to pull through this trial. Surely that isn’t over simplifying this ordeal. I’m not going to let go now. Nothing is pulling me away except for myself. I’m my own trouble. Some say that I’m too hard on myself, but somebody needs to keep my emotions in check, so that I don’t lose my gift. I’m not leaving yet.
Episode 182
Secondary
“Dear comrades, as you know, your time has dwindling, your mother country has gone insane, and all hope seems to be lost. But the clouds are clearing up, and we’ve come prepared to fight for what is right, to show the world a new path. (You’re just like your father, lost long ago. ‘You’re forcing me to do what I’m not meant to.’ Who’s side are on? ‘What side is this anyway?’ Put down your power, and think for a moment. You come beating at my door, whipping my mind into a storm, shaking me down in my heart. ‘But you run away from me, and you left me shimmering, like you knew it all along.’)
Episode 183
Easiness
Apparently what Fate tells me to be true is just a figment of my imagination. Nobody can tell me if I’m right or wrong if I believe. Ignorance can be painted as anything, including false hope, which can be led to destruction. Time won’t wait, but not everything can be done by myself, alone. There must be work done on both sides if a new creation is to be. Nothing simple is seen in such a task, though it is not as complex as I once thought. Now, everything is able to be moved forward, as if the future is in this instant. I’m not saying that everything that has yet to be told is already a memory, but it’s not like I don’t know what is to come soon. Power in wisdom is only available in words if there is one who is willing to listen to them. Let there not be any empty words in this game made anew.
Episode 184
Temporal
You see that time has pressed our destiny away. Now, it is up to us to decide our future, and I feel as if this ordeal has finally come to an end. There will always be memories that burn my heart endlessly, but it is about time that I move on. Nothing is able to keep me bound to this foolish nature, especially when the light is brighter the further we move apart. I will not lie- you caused me great agony, intense pain, and yet, in all this misery, my happiness was as much a lie as my wisdom was. However, I do not wish failure to be upon you, because that’s not what I stand for. We all must always retain our honor.
Episode 185
Eyes of Peace
My heart remains a battleground. While neither side can gain the upper hand, they both destroy constantly, despite what they fight for. There is nothing to be won in such trifle conflict, unending. None can hear the call of the one begging for the new creation of love. As revenge attacks, there is nowhere to hide, but then compassion reveals its ignorance, and the cause is forever lost. It’s not untrue to say that for a time, I had wished that my emotions be abolished and simple logic to rule, but what fun would that be? There’s no fun in a life without a little disappointment. Nothing could be changed, because the only person who wished to fade was myself, because you never cared. My eyes are unseen.
Episode 186
Alchemy
Something must always be given up in order to gain something new- not so much a law of nature as it is a common law of emotion. In order to use a new sense, another must be lost, if only for a while, but it doesn’t make a difference if not honed. However, sometimes what we wish to gain isn’t always as good as we first believe it to be. Indeed, what appears to be greatness is a burden, and a burden is greatness. Though I thought my gift to be greatness, it has been a great burden as well, but from the trials I have found wisdom, and in turn, greatness. It’s all in perspective. I had believed the ordeal to be pain and no truth could remain, but it’s not at all the same. Where you follow, none shall lead.
Episode 187
Barriers
There’s always something that separates us from logic, be it emotions or indecision. Pulling through is what we must try for. Time won’t wait, and there will be a day when our feelings will be gone. Don’t give up, but don’t live solely on hope. Insanity is doing something that you should know the outcome to, but do anyway, blind to the facts. Something reminds us to move forward, despite obstacles. Water, moving constantly, doesn’t stop until it’s reached it’s final destination. We too must keep move forward, even when we can’t see ahead, the end will always be waiting for us. Though the truth has been expanded, we cannot claim to know the future, because though there is a distancing between us and what is to come, we don’t know it’s location. Silently, we move to the future, despite our ordeals. Keep moving forward, using all your power. Since when has genius, in its purest from, ever been practical, let alone understandable?
Episode 188
Temporal
There is no reason to share my creation with the world, simply to be ridiculed by those who I love the most. (I’m not here to lose again.) The pain has fallen into the abyss. (Impossible!) We have awakened for the end of our journey (My children, return.) Twilight’s grip loses it’s power as the raging sun fades. (Climb to the shining star.) Though hope seems to be lost forever, don‘t fall. (You’ve always known the truth.) Finally, you must see full darkness in order to cleanse the light. (Forever keep trust.)
Episode 189
Gateway
Often, the reason for our failure lies within our spirits. We cannot hope to maintain the future if we lack the courage in order to attain it. Though we must fall in order to get back onto solid ground, it’s always easier said than done. From failure am I made, and you? Nothing can ever remain the same if we ever hope to attain. There is a truth in most hypocrisy, however if we choose to ignore, our falling will not have anything to gain but a lost ignorance, which may be champion in the end. Poetry is subtle form of the truth. Wherever you hear the words, you will also hear the calling of the hero of capture.
Episode 190
Eyes of Promise
Be weary of this fake trust you have put into their heart. It is not something given solely on what you can see. Though outward appearances will always matter, what’s inside is simply a cliché. Nothing matters more on who a person is, not what they can show through words or actions based on a sight. Things change undeniably, but if we allow something t change us for the wrong reason, we will never grow. The future can be seen by all who choose to see the light at the end- the truth. Do not live a lie, and you will survive the day that sees your downfall. Do not hide, because that will never reward. There is a promise to see, that though I love, we’ll never be free.
Episode 191
Continuation
Where has time gone; we shall never no, even as space continues a voyage to the end. You’re end is in sight, and though you can escape, you chosen Fate to lead you unto your final demise- beyond destruction, awaiting judgment. Never shall one act solely on emotion, for that is not a single gift of life. Live and to be the opposite of evil. Normalcy is a disease of the human nature. The fires of the future give light to the present, for now. For judgment to be passed, I fully admit to my selfishness. There is nothing more I want than to see you in the pain you have caused me, but then I lose everything about me. Should I not care to see this through, though nothing else seems to be correct? Somehow, this should just be let go, and then the pain will resolve itself. There is not lie in something so simple, however, it’s not at as easy as one would think. Ordeal or not, there is nothing to gain from a simple pain. Lies must not be released into my spirit again.
Episode 192
Storyline
There’s a storybook ending to this ordeal- this I am sure of. However, the plot is thickening, the scenario becomes deeper, and the characters become more clearly. Against the future, to turn the pages without reading them, simply creates an illusion of the coming truth. Nothing is certain, anything is possible, and now there is naught needed. Whatever is needed will never be found, unless these pages are read fully.
Episode 193
Controlling
There are four known traits that one must have in order to fulfill destiny- sheer determination, unwavering honor, enduring wisdom, and a passionate commitment. Combined, these abilities cause us to perform from our best motivation. Skills make reliable- out most disciplined of solutions. Truly, without one, we cannot truly be complete, at least, not in the form of our fate. The past shows a form that we can never return to, not without becoming less than we already are. Everything points us into a single direction, even if they are not together. If area always dependable, we will not be able to grow to our height. Relationships are the most important of all, for everything.
Episode 194
Honesty
It is just laughable, how much my ignorance had feigned brilliance. There was never hope, and it was utterly predictable, yet I continued, blind to the future. Now, it matters not, what had happened in past nights, the pain is gone, and now the moment has returned. Nothing would have changed, and, even if it had, everything would have made for a greater ordeal. There was not anything to have held onto, since it was all a fruitless effort to have tried to change the unchangeable. The past has locked it’s secrets away from the future, and eternity. However, the thought of my past troubles is hilarious. Finally, there is a new, true, hero in this story, and she means everything to me.
Episode 195
Limitations
It’s easy to say that one would be better off emotionless, but then, there would noting to keep our sanity bound. Surely, there must be a way to attach our emotions to something that will last forever. Without this, everything will fade permanently. Nobody can know when Fate decides to do something horrible, however, we can all do something against the fantasies of the captivated. How far would I go for the love of my life? Beyond life. Show me the most brilliant man alive, and I will show you also the simplest.
Episode 196
Lasting
This story seems to be never ending, but in order to be writ, both covers must already be apparent. Surely, there can be no story without the last words available. Just as there is a front cover to all books, there too must be a back cover. They are attached from the beginning and forever. Nobody can skip to the last page without first opening the book, and the ending is only known to the Author. We are the ink on the pages, bound to an eternal tool- the quill. Eventually, the ink runs dry, and a new story will begin.
Episode 197
Pessimism
The road your travel is the path to true despair. To be said, though you live in constant agony, the happiness that becomes so much greater will only last for a moment. Joy is not an emotion, but instead a state of mind lasting throughout life. It cannot be felt, only expressed through ordeals and scenarios. If anything, pessimism is an extreme form of optimism, for surely nobody wishes to inflict harm without a reason of goodness inside. However, it is easily corruptible, and the fantasy lies dead as a dream, and as empty hope. By not believing in oneself, you ultimately leave the future blank. Bravery is necessity when the past rules over our hearts. Understanding is the only key to eternal wisdom. Aware, I continue, undeterred from the original journey, continuing in my agony forever. Everybody knows what everybody else should yet will never know. By pretending not to be ignorant, we become so much more ignorant. If we stop because we don’t believe in others and ourselves, nothing will ever be fulfilled. Continue through happiness and pain. Dream until your dream comes true, and if you must give it up, it was never worth it.
Episode 198
Order
There has always been chaos in the world, but does it truly rule over it? Without order, there is naught to compare the insanity to. Though it isn’t our fault, by not doing anything, you’re only adding the problem. If we truly are greater than all other, than maybe it’s time we begin to act like it, or we lessen our purposes. Whenever somebody believes that chivalry is dead, then they never had any hope to begin with. Though it’s dead in the hearts of man, it will never be dead in our mind, as long as we believe in the chaos that supposedly has ruled over our hearts since their creation. However, I’m afraid. Don’t pain the picture of order so serene, because if acted against, the battle will be won Nothing will be able to tear compromise down- if you‘re ready to defend with power. How far am I willing to go for the love of my life? Far beyond the limitations of life. Surely you wouldn’t be the love of my life; you are my life. However, I’m willing to give up my heart for your benefit, otherwise I’m not as different as I’d like to be in the soul. This dream you’re willing to protect with your life- are you willing to let it go for others?
Episode 199
Grasping
So, you tell me that you’re choking for cleaner air. You say that there’s nothing left to do besides give up. Well then, my reply, are you willing to throw your dream out when there’s nothing to be gained from it. However, if you see something on the horizon within your changing, you should have done it before; but don’t tell me that you’re weak because nobody else wants you to be strong, when all we ask of you is to be yourself. This story doesn’t require you to be a tool and write yourself off already- your journey is still alive. Who ever gave you the authority to change what makes others different? Are you already great enough to ignore the ordeals given to you by Destiny, not Fate. Get over your pain. Yeah, I know what agony feels like, and so does everybody else, so why not trust in me?
Episode 200
Fascination
You’d rather look to others for answers than inside yourself. Though we will always need others, we cannot depend on them to live our own lives. No matter what happens, two pens can never share the same ink in this story. So what if things don’t go the way we want them to, the pages aren’t torn in half when the words continue to be written. Whatever you think, why in the world would you choose to write yourself off, alone? Then, if you believe you are weak, then you are weak, but if you say you are weak, then you truly are stronger than whatever obstacles come into your path. You don’t need to be equal to anybody else, since it’s not possible, no matter what you do or what they do. You’re looked down on because you haven’t proven yourself yet, because we all must. Just as they are no better than you, it’s not possible to be better than them, so don’t lie to yourself and those you are trying to protect. You’re still obsessed over appearances, and yet you claim to trust me, while I trust you completely, beyond anything that can stop us. Broken are these chains that bind us together, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t together.
Episode 201
Empowered
Whenever you believe that you’re being pulled away, try harder to stay yourself. Nothing is able to tear you down, as long as you believe. Don’t try; either do, or forget about it all. If you try your best, you shall always succeed, even if the end result isn’t what you want. Yeah, the words hurt- they’re like knives piercing the heart, but everything will be okay. I’ll hold your hand whenever you feel like you’re going to fall, because you’re everything. They’re all the same at the moment, and you’re better without them anyway. Being told that you deserve better may not help, but you know inside that it’s true, so keep moving. Everything takes time, and even when time seems to slipping away, there’s always others. Don’t be sorry, for it isn’t your fault; tell me, with all your memories fading, what does your conscience say, that is, if it still exists? Do not stray from your path, or you’ll fall.
Episode 202
Emptiness
You believe that you can judge in reverse without being judged in the future. This ignorance to what has yet to come is simply foolish, and you’ll see none of it, so as long as you treat others as they have treated you. Sometimes we need to change rather than try to change others, despite what they may think at the moment. The only thing you should not be ignorant of is your own arrogance to the future. Again, nothing will ever be as it seems in the moment, because there will always have been a past, even if it is pressed into the present, the future will always remain. Yet, you believe that they are not deserving of a future; tell me, where did your mastery of time come from? This manifest of greatness is only an illusion, just as your ignorance feigns brilliances. You’ll understand eventually. Just remind me not to be arrogant, take anything too seriously, or forget this moment. Here, in the last moments, everything points me to you, by my side. So I came to you, without anything to hide; believe what I say. Words cannot describe this feeling for you.
Episode 203
Koizumi
Hey, are you still useless now? It was never explained how much of a burden you held, but you were able to carry on, despite the obstacles. You were never loved by those you thought you cherished most, however, it was an empty feeling, created by your own mind. Everything seemed to be false, in the moment, but you were still able to pull through. You always were trying to prove something to others, but never to yourself. The enemy of the world was your brother, yet you never gave up on his light, even surrounded by evil. Your comrades were never the same, but your mind believed them to be, causing you not to look at others as a source of strength. You always listened to crying hearts of others.
Episode 204
Blindside
The ordeals of the past seem so trivial now, as if they had no impact whatsoever. Now, my heart tells me to dwell on my past mistakes, so that I can live wiser, but I now know that, in this case, my mind is right. I shouldn’t allow what has already happened to dominate my future, because it is a fruitless journey backwards. If I move forward facing backwards, I become blind to what is to come. There is pain in the past, I am sure, but now I cannot feel it, because it means nothing to me anymore. Finally, I am free at last. The trials were horrible at the time, but now it is just an embarrassment to my wisdom. Normalcy is horrendously blind, except for what has been given to them by the insane. Why not lie to myself, when I am aware of the false, I can understand much more then.
Episode 205
Dear Alanna
You’re my friend, so do you really think that I won’t stand by your side? Yeah, you’ll be in pain, and most definitely will you feel like falling apart, but I won’t let you allow weakness to take a hold of your life. I’m not interested in what you believe, if it isn’t the truth. Right now you are infatuated, so even if you’re told what is right, you won’t believe it. I’m not saying your pain is trivial, because I’ve been there, but I made it through, with your help, and now you won’t allow me to help you. Give up your pride as being unique, because your ignorance only feigns brilliance. They are all the same, and you will still claim their difference, because what you believed to be love was only manipulation. We’re still a team, despite what conflicts may appear, I’m not giving up on you again. However, you should know, you put yourself into this situation, and you have nobody to blame but yourself; but I say it coming, and I did nothing to stop it, so I, too, have failed. Eventually, we reap what we sow, for a sapling cannot be ripped from the ground swiftly. You are all ignorant of the future and present, because you have learned nothing, for now. Without wisdom, you will fall victim to complete chaos without remnants of any order. Will you keep stumbling until you cry, or will you look up at the compassion granted? True despair comes from the mind, whenever our hearts turn to be eternally blind. However, if sin were not beautiful, then we would never be tempted, and thus, in this light, we could never grow from our true nature of blissful despair. Pain brings us sorrow, but in the future, it will always benefit something we are willing to fight for. Shall we be ignorant of our failure or become great; it is not so easy a question, if you don’t know. You’d rather believe we do not get what we give, but what you see is what you get- an anomaly. What you see right now, is that simple- it’s not the endgame yet, so judgment cannot be passed down, at the moment. In the end, everything equals out, for nature. Understand, that just as there is the bad rich, there is also the bad poor- out for only their own, personal interest. Nothing can be so trivial as to see what is here and now, forever. This ordeal- it won’t be okay, but, at the same time, it will be, you just have to trust me. In the twilight of despair, do you see what you dream? At one time, you made a promise to keep your light, no matter what ill happening would fall. You remain a traitor to fate. You feel a constant pain for what you thought would continue, and now you fell victim to a lie created by one who had never cared and did not ever choose to. Certainly, it tears you apart- how you were betrayed by your own heart, but truly it was of your mind. Infatuation ruled over, and you were blind to it, because you switched heart for the mind. Only you know what of the future, because nobody can ever hope to change past hearts. Are you still blind or do you see something new this time around?
Episode 206
Together
This is no longer an ordeal, because you have entered life. I had thought that my pain was a curse, but now it’s a blessing. If I would not have felt such agony, then we would not be together right now, so thank God for my trials. No longer to I wish to change something that has no impact on my life anymore. I’m here for you, just as you are here for me now. We’ve both thought about the same aspects and we believe it together, though I have said anything as of yet. This is no jinx situation- because I really do believe you are the one. Never will I let you down, and I know that you’ll never let me down, so thank you. Finally, I’m willing to risk everything- I’m not willing to lose something for nothing. Now I’m living for something, which is why my priorities have gotten together again. This is something I’m willing to fight to the end for, because this is not mine, it’s ours. I’ve fallen in love with you. Does it look like I’m together when you’re not around? Nobody can know of the future until it is here for now, but that doesn’t mean anything. Separation- this is not my vow- there is no misery surrounded by my pain any longer.
Episode 207
Delusion
Gotta keep moving- yes, you have to keep moving now, and don’t fall down again. Allow yourself to be disillusioned from the lie that you had lived so long to be the truth. Optimism is captive to the art of the soul. Pessimism contains truth, but it lived without it’s equal, there will be nothing to remain. So, even though there will be pain, live for the happiness, not the disappointment, or your life will have meant naught. Nothing remains forever, however, if you live life thus so, your truth will mean nothing to anybody, ever. Don’t lie to yourself to try to make it truth, for only the truth is understandable, no lies. Often we live to prove us right, never wrong, so that we may think ourselves more power. We only try to see us right, so we don’t have to give up what we believe- despite agony. Things that you can’t live for, you should not die from.
Episode 208
Ineptitude
Ignorance feigns the brilliance of those who do not understand how to handle such social situations which require them to change. No one cares about the faults that make them, because they aren’t willing to change, not for others, but for themselves. Their incompetence is their failure, brought on by their own foolishness, not by others. Indeed, you should always do your best, for your own greatness, but not just for your own difference, to show others who you are and what you’re there for. It does matter what they tell themselves when you’re away, if you’re not going to grow in the future, then nothing can change. Of course they’re all the same, but only because you’re so blind to what is around you. Don’t live the lie of being separated- you’re just being a blind fool, forever.
Episode 209
Eyes of Speed
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! No such thing as vapor goes through speed. I’m half out of time, and instead of just living in- so many things erased before they begin. Don’t stop dreaming of what could have been. Is it me, you say, you’re looking for; and to show you who I am and what I came for, came for. Hey- try to reach inside of me- try to take my energy! Let me show you just what I’m made of! Simple curiosity, trying to take a bite of me. Let me show you just what I’m made of now! Seven rings in hand, speak through nights with feet in sand. Seven rings in hand, wild, yet alls under command. Seven rings in hand, while it’s just one single hand. Seven rings in hand, arrowed hearts catch fire now. Like a million faces- I recognize them all- one by one they become a number as they fall. So, in the face of reason, I can’t take no more. One by one they become the black mark on the floor. It’s just rings, nothing at all, just rings. Cause now where everyone’s going’, I’m flying at top speed- going’ supersonic, fly away. Seven rings in hand, speak through nights with feet in sand. Seven rings in hand, wild, yet all’s under command. Seven rings in hand, while it’s just one single hand. Seven rings in hand, arrowed hearts catch fire now. Try to reach inside of me- try to take my energy! Let me show you just what I’m made of! Simple curiosity, trying to take a bite of me. Let me show you just what I’m made of now! Make the rings reborn. No one to believe. No one’s going to start. Make the rings reborn. Question all that’s gold. Legends are retold. You can’t take- look around and try, cause you can take another try! In my world, where life is strong. In my world, life’s an open book. In my world- compromise exists. In my world, the world’s every step meets the rest. In my world, where one is all. In my world, never fear the fall. In my world- where compromise exists. In my world, the world’s every step meets the rest. Try to reach inside of me- try to take my energy! Let me show you just what I’m made of! Simple curiosity, trying to take a bite of me. Let me show you just what I’m made of now! Seven rings in hand, speak through nights with feet in sand. Seven rings in hand, wild, yet all’s under command. Seven rings in hand, while it’s just one single hand. Seven rings in hand, arrowed hearts catch fire now. Make the rings reborn. Question all that’s gold. Try to reach inside of me- try to take my energy! Let me show you just what I’m made of! Make the rings reborn. Question all that’s gold. Legends are retold.”
Episode 210
Everlasting
Would you rather live in pain than die with freedom, which is happiness? I’d prefer to say things that flow from my heart, not from somebody else’s mind, if it ever meant something. Don’t think you’re in love; love is a feeling, not a thought. Honestly nobody can live on standing in the back, believing themselves to be greater, but without love. Surely it’s infatuation that make the foolish believe they’re more powerful than others. You’re going to miss out if you don’t make a move; instead of waiting for others to change, how about you change both your attitude and lifestyle. You must change for yourself, not for others, but so that others may see who you are, not what you stand for. Live so that others can change from you, but don’t think that you should never change. The horizon knows that you will crash if you always play the ace for your greatness. Continuing- no longer are they hollow words on a shallow see, because she is with me. My poetry is better spontaneous than thought out.
Episode 211
Eyes of Despair
Destroy and be destroyed, this is what was explained with your gift, which you were given, as you know, that day. That which felt like a dream, a lone dream, was a gift. However, now you long to feel nothing but despair, without any happiness or memory. You believe that you felt empty inside, and nothing would ever be felt once more. Continuously, you have been informed, but you still can’t see the truth in front of you. Don’t forget, your memories are what make you unique, different than all others alive. You will always see your emotional future, as well as the current emotions of others. Now, if you plan to be complete, you must still follow your original vow, created today. And, if the world seeks your destruction, you shall give them despair, but not revenge.
Episode 212
Sunset
The fight was coming to an end, with the shadow finally rendering itself known to all. Nothing could stop the light from attaining the lasting stature of victory- the battle fought. There was only a small step laying between the highest floor, and with that would come the final sacrifice of justice. Never could the fight have ended without their affection. With the peak of light coming down, they took their own lives so that you would survive. They both died in love, and were willing to let go of everything so that it would live. Water below swallowed the last remnants of the past, and now, time could move onward.
Episode 213
Eyes of Love
“I’ll never sing my songs, on this stage, all alone. I’ll never say my words, afraid of what is heard. I saw you smiling at me, I felt lost, in a fantasy. I’ll never be in that corner, of this tiny, little world. It was my last night here for you. Same old songs, just once more.” Just know that, no matter what happens between us, I’m always going to love you.
Episode 214
Lasting
Surrounded by despair, I’m unsure if my heart, which has been twisted into a battlefield, can continue the hopeless and abandoned road. There is nothing left to look for in a hero, hiding behind the curtain of our mindlessness. The show must go on, despite any agony caused by that which was lost eternally. Shot through the heart, there is pure emptiness. However, the journey and trial must go on, even through the shadow of lasting misery. The question to give up or endure is getting more tough by the step, until I finally fall. Even believing that I can fly is not able to change the past or future- it is for naught. Pressure is falling onto my burden, because with every passing moment, my heart grows heavier with each new memory of the future. It’s the terror of the wisdom from the world. Miracles are all by chance, not dependant on any outside force- which is from our power. I want to run at a supersonic speed away from this place, so don’t try to stop me now. Whatever happens, I’m leaving it to chance, because now I am heartless again.
Episode 215
Dear Maria
Understand this much, I want you to argue with me, because then I can trust in you and, perhaps, even in myself. Emptiness will always hold over my heart, so please know that whenever I push you away, I really want you closer. You know my love, for everybody. Even when the sun sets on my heart, my soul wanders, aimlessly, for acceptance. Whoever it finds, it clings to, but thankfully, you were found at the opportune moment. I’m in love with her, but she pushed me away when I failed to give her the space she deserved. All the time spent with her was a mistake, because now it doesn’t even matter. I’m just another failed relationship, lost into the sands of eternity, when I want to be so much more than this. Can’t you see my heart when it is given to you? I wish that somebody would care for me again, but nobody cares. I’m an emotionless wreck now, but, no matter what, I will fight for you, because I love you, and will always love you. Never again, no, I won’t allow myself to crash as I had once before- destroying progress. The shadows of my past will not take a hold of the future light- the last beacon of hope. Yeah, it does matter now what happens, and like you, the voices inside will drive me. Everything will become clear, as long as we continue our tough journey, without words. Believe in yourself, even when time and all else around you is completely lost to pain.
Episode 216
Inclination
It’s been a long time for us not to see one another. You shall witness even holier judgment than you had before. For, you see, even in misery, the show must continue. Watch me save the story this time! Now, you’re just like me, a pawn- so unneeded. Understand that your heart will always fall, because you will never find true love. Impossibilities surround me, as I have failed once more. You must try harder next time. However, no matter what good things occur, you will always find despair. Indeed, we are all loved universally, but it’s pointless. No more honor remains, so fight without emotion. This story has not been completed yet, so I still have work to do, and pages to write.
Episode 217
Captured
You decided to live your life alone, standing in the back without emotion. You’ve wasted your time thinking about the future while ignoring the past. Good things are never going to be the way you want. What you are told is only going to make everything much worse. Nothing is going to become quite what you expected, but it’s time you get started. Everything has been played correctly, you just need the correct motivation. You’re always going to give yourself to a lost cause. Stop trying to see who cares about you by pushing them away- you must make your own move or you shall miss out. The past is not something to hold onto, with such despair. The day will come when you have to answer with your own actions, not the words of others. Our hearts were lost, so why did we meet, even through all the pain. Why did we have to go our separate ways? Please see my heart, because you’re always going to have it. I’m always going to love, but it won’t be mutual.
Episode 218
Heartless I
You should ignore what is said, because they remain but hollowed words, on a shallow sea, because she is lost forever from me. No emotion remains, neither love nor despair. Though we have time, we cannot undo that which has already occurred. Yet, you still think of her, even just the thought brings you misery- you can feel despair. Not pain; do yourself a favor and don’t trust me, because I will only betray you. You can’t ignore your feelings forever, so don’t even try. I’m emotionless, separate from your heart, give it up. Then why would you continue to feel pain instead of remorse? It’s not despair.. it’s love. How did you lose her? She was lost, because I loved her; don’t you see it yet- stop this. What if I want to love you? Then your heart will be betrayed by your own hand, so don’t. Why do you even care? I’m emotionless, not... Heartless? I.. just… Do you love me? No.
Episode 219
Heartless II
So, you must like me. No. A little? Not a chance. Then why did you come here tonight? There’s no reason for why I should not have. Hmmm. Heh. What’s that look for? Nothing, you just remind me of an old friend. Who? It’s nobody. Her, right? Perhaps, but not even I can remember. Don’t lie to me; you still love her, don’t you? Maybe. Then why did you give her up if you still love her? You don’t understand- she gave me up, okay? You really don’t have any feelings. Why should I have emotions? Well, you can learn how to love again, you know? I don’t need to learn, not again. So you’re just going to not care about anything for the rest of your life? You still don’t get it. Yeah I do, you just… For a moment, I believed that you would understand. Understand what- don’t shake your head at me! I’m trying to help you here. I don’t need your help.
Episode 220
Heartless III
I think I understand now. I doubt that. You don’t need to learn how to love again, because you still know how to.. don’t you? It doesn’t concern you. Yeah it does! I just need to know why she gave you up. No you don’t, and even if you did, I couldn’t answer for you. Why not? Because I, myself, will never know. So you just let her go?! It would seem that way, now wouldn’t it? Why, I mean, if you truly loved her- I did, and that’s why I had to. So, you see, I don’t need your help with anything. I don’t believe that. Right… I read your story.. you’re not empty, are you? Stay away from my heart. You don’t want to be broken again; you’re afraid of having feelings, because then there’s always a chance for despair. Stop! Just let it go, I’ll never love again. You’re living a lie. What does it matter to you? I’m not who you think I am. Yeah you are, but you’re not what you want me to believe.
Episode 221
Heartless IV
Why can’t you kiss me? Because I don’t love you. Of course… And you don’t love me. How do you know? You don’t know who I am inside. You didn’t make yourself empty purposely. Somebody has to show you the way from loveless. But I don’t want you to. And I do want me to. You’re only going to break my heart. So you do have feelings? Leave my feelings out of this. If she still cared at all, she wouldn’t have left me alone. Have you ever even been kissed? Yes. By her. What did you- I told her I loved her before. She said that she could see herself being with me for the rest of her life; a complete lie. All I ever wanted was to be with her, which can never happen. She never loved you too? Never has, never will. I love you… What would she think of me now? She wants you happy. Yeah, too bad she’s the only person who can make me happy, who I loved completely. Prove it. She doesn’t want me; she cast me aside, and I let her go. She does love you… She wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Then nothing more remains.
Episode 222
Eyes of Pressure
She kissed me, told me that our lives could be together forever, and that there was hope. Soon after, she tore my heart from my chest, and took my love without return. Everything pointed her to me, but now she wants nothing to do with me. Understandable, she’s seeing somebody else now, as far as I know. There’s nothing left to be hopeful for; now she’s gone from me for the rest of my life. Why can’t give ourselves one more chance? It’s because I’m too clingy, and I pushed her away. Half of me is empty, while the other cherishes a false hope. She only wants to be friends, while I want to be so much more. Honestly, I see through her heart, and she sees no reason to continue with me. Now, I’m just another failed relationship to her, but it was all my fault. I’m so useless to everybody. My feelings are true, because I really love you. However, you ripped my heart right out. Don’t go, tell me now if you still care at all. If you love me at all, don’t go.
Episode 223
Redemption
I’m unsure if I should try again, because I recall the last time I had this feeling I failed, not only her, but myself. Perhaps it is only a natural fear, but used to reflect what feeling? Truly, if nothing remained, my mind would have been made up long ago, but my heart still feels something for you. These emotions are pointless, because they do not direct. I’m just wondering if you still care about me. At least, I’m glad you’re different than her. Isn’t time I started to forgive myself, and give myself one more chance, just to get along. I’m feeling my heart fall down, and I will always love you, dependant on my heart, that is always open for all, but since you entered I cannot give up so easily. Not with our last chance, there will be one my last dance. It’s not so much a question to why, but when. The last night here for you; maybe yes, maybe no. Just got to have sheer determination, and a little luck too. You just have to keep believing, or you will be changed forever. Maybe I don’t know what love is yet, but this is the closest feeling I’ve ever had for you. Because this is something that I must find out for myself, even if that means I must finally be dependant on my own emotions without logic to back it up, I will never give in again, as I have many times before. This is different because you are you, not somebody else, so now I won’t give up. I’m turning the world upside down for an answer to that of love.
Episode 224
Heartless V
There’s nobody here that I remember, except her, and she gave me hope for the first time, that perhaps.. maybe there’s a chance for love. I never thanked her for that, and now somebody else needs her. You say that you have no emotions, yet here you are crying, alone. Do you think she would want you to be feel this much pain? You’re a disgrace. Show me the honor that you ‘must retain.’ Why, when there’s no purpose to love now. Yeah there is, you’re just not looking in the right place. So what of the future? You can never change the past, no matter how much pain you endure. There is no hope for love. You don’t have to do this alone, it proves nothing. It’s a shame, that you’re only… Memories? No, not a memory, a dream. Only if you doubt your heart- so believe in today. But I’m afraid of losing her forever, to something I’ll never be able to control. The most gifted person alive; I can have anything I desire, except the woman I love. Yeah you can.
Episode 225
Heartless VI
You never told me.. what does love mean to you? It means nothing to me, not anymore. What you’re saying is that you’ve mistaken love for attraction? I thought I meant something to her, and all she wanted was to be friends. I’m leaving her forever because of what she wants. You’re leaving her because of what you want. No, this is for her own benefit, otherwise I’ll just cause more problems. If anything, she doesn’t want to feel guilty of telling me to go away, so I’ll just do it for her. Isn’t it time you did the forgiving- instead of always feeling bad about your life? What difference does it make? They don’t care about me, they just don’t want… Don’t want what? They don’t want me to be sad. You should really wake up from this dream, so you can see reality. It’s all a lie, forget it.
Episode 226
Foresight
I can feel life, moving through my mind; I don’t want anymore. I can feel time, slipping down my spine, though I try and try to ignore. It’s impossible to face my fears and sorrow, because I can’t help but follow what led me here. There will be no more joy from her anymore. I can see life, tangle me up inside, and I fall down to the floor. I can’t break my sorrow, and I feel betrayed, but I keep following what brought me here. The truth of the past is a lie today, and remains for pain tomorrow. The tension has broken my heart. Then, I must move away now, because the despair is too much, and I still feel in love. There will never be more happiness in what no longer remains to be seen.
Episode 227
Denial
Face the past, unresolved from a promise you must always keep. It’s so easy to correct others when your time of peril has not yet arisen. There’s so many thing that had been wiped out, before they even had a chance to begin. You must let go of the past, so you can finally move to the future. At least now you have a reason to continue forward. Eventually you’ll find love, even if it’s not where you want it to be at the moment. Chances will always be lost when they are all we are dependant on, but now there’s no hope left, because it was torn along with my heart. This is why I must move on alone, without either of them, because, as I said in the beginning, they shouldn’t have liked me. Somebody once told me the answer is in the wind, and now the question is lost forever. You know I watched you go from left to right, as time died in the night, and now you’re gone. Take your steps away from me, because I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s not possible to change without sheer determination, unwavering honor, and a little bit of luck. Nobody is willing to be disillusioned when love seems to be fading away, but I must. Once again, have I failed, and now they are empty words, on a shallow sea, because she’s gone away from me. There will never be hope, because I’m not living by my own words. If I truly love her, I have to let her go free, and I won’t allow myself to fall to the ground.
Episode 228
Life and Love
Indeed, I’ll accept our friendship, because there’s no hope in living for myself. There must be happiness given to her, instead of what I’d rather desire. Hell yeah it’s going to hurt, and it’s going to hurt as much as anything can. If you lose your determination, then you will also fall with your motivation. Despair will always be at the end of ever journey, but that doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be happiness along the way. I’ve lied and cheated, yet there’s another chance that has been given to me, and I’m refusing to let it go now. Okay, yeah, so what if I like her, does it mean anything? She’s my best friend, but that doesn’t mean she likes me the same way, and she never has too either. Seriously, just look how far I’ve come already; there won’t be any more hope if falling is requested. There’s nothing for I’m giving up now, no, I’m not falling down at this point of despair. If I could write it then, I can live it now, though, it’s easier said than done, I suppose.
Episode 229
Dear Laura I
Heh, I’m not too entirely sure of what to say at the moment. You know that I will always care about you. I’m going to give up, because you gave me the strength to believe in myself, even to change my despair into happiness. This isn’t my last chance, under the pressure of my heart. I guess I’m just sorry for not giving you what you deserve, but as long as you’re my best friend, I think I can move on. Yeah, it’s going to burn more than anything else I’ve felt thus far, but your happiness is well worth the cost. Thanks for not being like the past, just more heartache, another failed relationship. My heart skips a beat whenever you’re near, and with you, no longer can there be fear. Now it’s impossible to feel any more pain, but if needed, I’d stand with you in the rain. I’ll hold your hand whenever there is sorrow, yet from you, there is happiness for tomorrow. Nothing describes my joy when we’re together, because my heart is yours, now and forever. It’s a shame, that I don’t want you to ever have to read these words, but they needed to be writ eventually. The show must continue, despite whatever outcome may occur, I’ll face it with a grin, and I’m never going to give in, because of the courage you gave me when we were together. How long until we can never return to the past? There will be times when I feel like everything is towering against me, and that I don’t stand a chance of getting through the ordeals, but at least I know you’ll be there for me when it happens. Don’t send me away to become something I’m not, because I don’t want to fall to something that doesn’t make a difference in the future, where happiness resides. You taught me that misery isn’t needed to be happy, as long as we have each other. You’re more important than any words could hope to ever describe, so I’m having trouble writing this letter of power. It’s going to hurt to let you go, that much is true, but your happiness is more important than mine, and as long as we’re best friends, there’s always hope for joy. I’m sorry if I hurt you. My intent is not to be so clingy. It’s true- I do feel like you tore my heart from me; yeah, I do really, very, extremely wish that we could still be together, and maybe you’d care, but I shouldn’t keep putting myself before you. Sometimes I wish I could lose you again, if it meant one more moment being together, but it’s pointless to rest for tomorrow while remaining in the past. Thanks for staying with me in despair. Don’t you know what I’m thinking when I say that I miss you? Even if your heart would listen, it’s doubtful that I could explain. I’m sorry that I’m such a mess, because I don’t want to be hurt. You’re the first person I really have ever had feelings for, and now they mean nothing to you. Again, I’m not going to allow my heart to put a strain on yours, so I’m just going to let it go. Maybe, someday, we’ll both find somebody who we can love.
Episode 230
Realistically
Please, I really don’t want to add you your name amongst the pages writ here already. There are only two reasons people are mentioned in this record, and those are for love, and if you are a source of agony. That’s really the last thing I want for you, because that would have to mean I had caused you pain. In reality, I don’t want any more to be mentioned in this long, arduous journey. The burden is greatened with every added word. Please, allow my absolution to be fulfilled, for this case. I didn’t meat you for a lone friendship- I’d much rather be your best friend than to be a cast away. A letter of power has the purpose to explain a situation to that person, about how I feel about the incident. You’re only mentioned by name if you mean a lot to me, and the longer the notice, the more important that person is, but the less words, the more the ordeal means to me. Believe in me, so that I may believe in you, or we will both fade away into an endless vortex of a shared misery, without caring about ourselves. The time approaches when we must face the truth in its fullest extent. I’ve never lied to you, so please understand me.
Episode 231
Eyes of Dreams
There were three dreams I had last night, and you were in two of them. Now there’s understanding of one of the past three dreams, because you were in one of them. I’m still wondering who the other woman is in the remaining two. There was also a friend in one my dreams last night, but I’m not sure why. The greater question is not who was there, but who wasn’t there. Not a single best friend remained while all my close friends were. Does this mean in the future that I’ll lose them? I’m going to choose to believe this, because all my other senses have been correct thus far. Give up your mind and heart, only because in the end all that remains is despair. There’s no reason for love or emotions. However, I still love, which dares me to care for the people in the night and change our ways about caring about ourselves, despite our last chance together. In my dream, whenever you were there, you had given me chances again, or, perhaps they were past opportunities, lost forever. I can still feel your lips, but that doesn’t really matter though. Anyway, the last friend questioned my beliefs and feelings, and showed me a new path.
Episode 232
Maybe, You’ll See
Can’t we give ourselves one more chance? I’m able to change now, because I have the right determination and motivation- you. Love dares you to care for the people, and reach out, and love dares us to change our way of caring about ourselves. You keep saying that there is no chance left, but I don’t believe that. You’re the one who said that we can never know what lies in the future. Just say maybe, instead of we’ll see, because then you’ll see. Now I think I might get one more chance. Why can’t you confront your fears and me? Forever, in the name of love- what in the name of love is the point to continue hopeless? Indecision is what got you into trouble with your heart and your mind, singing eternally with blissful hope in your soul. See this through as simple life, not as an ordeal forever. Remember, I come as the new champion of love and hope, to show all of you a new path. As long as you don’t live a lie, it’ll all be okay, you just have to trust your heart and mind. Now you’re the one crying, you unnecessary fool, I gave you up long ago, so leave me be. There’s only one reason why I need you to remain, and that’s because you’re a memory. It’s great to have your mind and heart split, and yourself as a moderator to everything.
Episode 233
Alone
I’ll never be alone, no matter the situation placed in, nothing can tear me apart, so as long there is hope remaining. Fools should hide what they lack instead of showing what they have already. Social outcasts lack any sight of emotion for the future, thinking that they’ll come out on top in the end, but they’ll never know happiness. Those already on top shall indeed fall, but they’ll never have the wisdom that others may think they have claimed. Emotions are dead to me- instead I have all feelings needed to exist; in the same aspect, there is know need for attention since I already have wisdom to grow from at all times. Caustic attitudes bring such awareness- ah, I feel so loved; oh joy, look, I’m saved. Understand- I’ve always got to do something big. There is no need for my empathy, for the ability to see through all problems and all strife is mine. There will always be another in the world who has greater issues than others. However, that doesn’t mean you should also be devoid of such compassion, for none other have my gift. My emotions are voided. I understand what you’re going through is tough, but don’t forget about others in pain. Maybe it’s my reasoning, not burden, to bring everybody closer to understanding others. It’s the end where my story begins.
Episode 234
Caught
Nothing really matters anymore, because it’s gone forever, so let me out of this emotionless pit of complete despair. It’s without emotions that I’ve had an endless devotion. No feelings should remain, but it’s because of what she said to me that makes it so difficult to let go. Forget what happened in the past, for nothing can remain forever. Love will always in either despair of death, it’s just so simple. I’ve felt like screaming so much that the anger keeps building up, ready to be released. Now, there’s no reason to continue this false life of hope. Never again will I feel the way I do right now for you. Everybody says that a new day has dawned. No, a new day hasn’t arrived, this twilight is of dusk, and the shadows come reeling. It’s going to be a long night. Love may dare me to change the way of caring about ourselves. Go about your life without me, so I don’t get in the way of you and him. Screw life, if it means I must have emotions when they are totally unnecessary. Doesn’t it just tear you apart when you’re so powerless for somebody you care about, but they won’t even acknowledge who you are. She lied to me, and now it’s going to tear me apart for all eternity. Go away! Just get away from me; stop this pain. There’s nothing I can do anymore, so split me into the two separate persons, forever. Chaos and order are powerless when emotion and logic are separated for complete love. Wherever there was pain, I would’ve been there for you, but I was too clingy already, so it doesn’t make a difference anymore. We can’t keep on waiting on our hearts and minds to change, instead, we must make the difference ourselves. It’s true- often in life, those who we want to care the most, either don’t have the time or just don’t care about us at all. Shall you continue to lie to me, as you fall to the floor, without a hand to help you up once more? Away from my memories, because you are no longer required to move alone. You deserve what you get, but why can’t I move without this hope; nobody really knows. You’re not her- that’s what allows me to continue this harsh trial, because you don’t love. Indeed, I’m just another failed relationship to you, so just forget about it, you’re not worth the despair that you have created in my spirit again. You claimed to be different, when you’re really no different than the others. You’re not able to go with myself, so leave me. Recall when there was only one thing I wished for, but now all I want is to find true love. There was a chance, and you know that it was thrown away.
Episode 235
Obsession
This isn’t compassion, determination, or absolution- it’s complete obsession. There is no need for empathy, because there will always be somebody with worse situations. Any fool can have logic, but it takes true passion in order to control emotions. Besides, even with logic, you have to understand how it should be used. This battle is hopeless; there will never be an absolution to this ordeal. Even in the dream, your life was saved by a caring hand, but then you left the story for eternity- never to be seen again. Now it’s unaware which hurts more, never seeing you again or being with just as a friend. Even if I fall, at least you’ll be able to say that there is hope when I’m trying my hardest to continue. There’s no need to continue a fruitless ordeal, when there is somebody who can take my place in the pages. I’m not blind, I’m just unneeded; thus, there is no reason to try more.
Episode 236
Chi Alpha VIII
Why did you continue a fight that you’d lose, no matter the outcome? There was no hope for your survival, or even your feelings to be realized. At least you learned from your mistakes, didn’t you? Yeah, you kept fighting, not for yourself, but for others, even those you loved, yet they would try to kill you. You were questioned, what could one in a billion do to change the world, and you showed them what you could accomplish alone. But, you never were alone, even when you were hated by everybody around you. Suicide was never the question, yet death was always the answer that you knew was stalking you.
Episode 237
Bipolar
Thank fate that these problems are both mine as well as others, and that it’s possible to use them as a gift instead of just a curse. At the end of the journey, we find our solace. It’s the same mistakes that keep being made all the time. We may not know what we have until it’s gone, but eventually we are able to fill in the gaps of the lost memories of time. This was so unreal and trivial, but let’s see you do something more. I’m strong enough to overcome any trial that comes my way, so let me show you just what I’m made of now. Before too long, everything will fall away to the sidelines when nothing can be lots, yet everything can be gained. It’s the same negative thoughts and emotions that take over me. Your heart takes over your mind, and you would continue so ignorantly blind. Sometimes, we live for nobody but ourselves., while we continue through a path of glass. Now I’m sharing all the pain I’ve been holding onto. What doesn’t kill makes us strong. I’m able to split my emotion and reason from each other to form two separate beings. This is what makes me unable to be defeated, even without compromise, there is victory.
Episode 238
Solace
So many stupid decisions are made within such a short span of time. It doesn’t really matter anymore. Nothing can change what has already been said, even the words made into actions have already been pressed into the past. It’s possible to move on, however, it’s going to take more than just sheer determination and a little bit of luck. There’s no truth in what has happened before in a lie. Foolishness makes for an interesting story only when it matters and perhaps makes a difference. This is not one of those circumstances. Something had to be changed in order to live with others in harmony without emotion taking it’s role of dominance over my entire mind. The past tense is not needed at the moment because there is still work to be done as long as this feeling remains for her. Situations of the past do not represent something for the immediate future of ourselves. You are still far to clingy for others to be able to live with your attached self. Take a deep breath of your hope and love to continue an effortless trial of doom and you shall see. Dive into your own words and you will find the memories of my impact on you. There is no separation between our minds anymore. I’ll always leave an impact on others from me. The pain will always remain until your memory moves on, while the crash awaits for me. I’m going to get stronger, so that in the future, I’ll be able to show you what I’m made of. Yes, I’m sure of it now, that I’ll always love you, though I’m falling to pieces. Resemblances of those others who cast a shadow- not even my words can heal wounds. No time remains to be too busy, when you only get one chance for this life, why don’t you try to make an attempt to save others from falling into the ground. You should be dared to try something new for others instead of yourself because the day will come when you need the same. What would it take for you to understand what makes this world turn without any emotion or a set mind on causality? There would be nothing to remain for us.
Love never ends in despair nor death, thought infatuation often does, nothing can fade. Come on! Even you have to believe in your own words- without hypocrisy! Even you have an exception to your own rules. There is compromise in all hearts and minds now. There is still work to be done- I refuse to falter until I decide the time right, none else. Arrogance shall lead to despair, but there will not be compromise of my own heart. Become what you fear to overcome your own challenges and you’ll fall forever, today. I’m unsure of who you are right now, but I’m sure the day will come for us to meet. However, you’re not getting rid of me that easily, because I’m continuing my journey, no matter where it leads me to that day. Sometimes we live for ourselves, despite mistakes. How should this story continue? Recall the promise I made to you- I won’t let you down. So, who am I, you ask- I’m Robert Maloney, and that’s all I need to be.
Episode 239
Dissipate
There is a memory in my mind, of a time when all I wished for was to not become a small memory, but not that’s all I really wish for. I’m going to fade away into time and your past, never to be seen again. We’re just friends- we don’t need to see each other a lot. Nothing needs to stay anymore in my heart. This is how I’m going to leave this for now. I’m not letting you down, I’m just letting you go, as if it actually makes a difference. Whatever is able to change our hearts and minds can only be found beyond what we are able to see at the moment. We’ll meet in our dreams, but never more than that anymore. This changes nothing because of what had already occurred. We don’t need each other. My heart is not broken, it’s just not where it should be. It’ll just take some time, I guess. What can be said if your heart would listen; there’s just no chance to even explain again. Nothing more can be said when I’m falling away, and you’re up high, always acting okay. You’re able to attain anything you want from anybody, while I’m able to attain anything, except what my heart desires the most. I’ll be the mature one and walk away from this. Yeah, it’s going to hurt more than anything else, because I’m more heart than mind now. Why is this possible- how can somebody be in pain while the another is so peaceful. Memories fade whole, singing regardless… face your failure- great, natural failure. Despair can never be given by true love, however, I’m hoping we’ll be better by then. Maybe then you’ll see who we are inside, besides just within me.
Episode 240
Breakeven
I’m still alive, but I’m barely breathing. Just praying to a God that I don’t believe in; because I got time while she got freedom, cause when a heart breaks, it don’t break even. They say that things happen for a reason, but these words aren’t going to stop the bleeding. Don’t sin and run away- fall into the ground again, and again. Sigh; why did you have to do what you did so soon? You’ve failed your own destiny, and brought me into it as well. I’m not going to let you down by letting you go; your heart screams to me. I’ve got both my heart and mind, there’s no reason for me to continue blind. This mistake that you keep making is tearing more than just you apart. Your naiveté is getting reckless. I’m not ignoring you I’m just moving ahead; there’s nothing holding me back now.
Episode 241
Retreat
There is an obsessive objection with every that is depression, creating the greatest form of abject despair that there can ever be. Then the hyperactivity coupled with euphoria creates happiness that only provides to the chaos. The combinations are both polar opposites, but help create the drama that I live for. I’ve been used, for the first time in the story; this felt horrible when it occurred, but now it feels great- more disappointment is perfect. Nobody is walking away from me- I’m leaving on my own accord, so think whatever you want. Call me a failed relationship, a jerk, a horrible person, but at least I’m a good friend. There’s no reason for me to stay in this true form of despair without any hope. Whatever had occurred will be marked within my memories, where they shall stay for all eternity. My story is as straight as it was written, so why don’t you get your story straight. However, I’m sorry for everything, but not because I’m wishing for an absolution. Maturity is what will bring us out of this mess; I’m hoping you don’t become a memory. This is not for my own happiness, because this will only bring me more pain- it’s for you.
Episode 242
Regretting
You know it was good while it lasted. This is not an easy come- easy go situation as it was once before with another. Our relationship took work from both of us, and the reward was just as great, but the price that was paid in the end wasn’t worth it. Surely I’m being used for the moment, which gives me power over more than just emotions. Even the manipulation isn’t worth living a lie for so long. There is no solace in drama created for the sole purpose to tear me down again. What more can I do to show that I’m longing to be the best friend that is possible? At least I’ve shared the pain that I’ve been holding onto for such a long time, but losing you wasn’t worth it. Did I mean what I said before? I’m questioning my own feelings- something that makes me unique; is it really the truth?
Episode 243
Resigned
I’m changing for myself, and nobody else- not for ignorance or arrogance, which I lost. But I won’t walk away, because I’m never backing down from the promises I’ve made. Try to stop my trying, because this light is never falling down. You’ll never see me back away from what I’ve said I’ll do. I’m not going to be foolish though, and say things that will not help myself out of an emotional abyss. Your bleeding was not worth the sound of the pain that I’ve felt until now. I’m aware that you don’t miss me, but I’m still not ashamed of the choices I’ve made. However, I’m not sure of what I’m supposed to do. We’re friends- we don’t need to speak, be together, or share how we trust each other. These promises that I’ve made before in a false hope- I’m giving them away to time now. I’ve never seen everything fall apart so quickly.
Episode 244
Searching
Now that you’re back in my life, nothing seems to be quite the same. You think differently than you act and feel. Since your return, I’m questioning what should be done next, before I do anything stupid again. Tell me, was everything what you expected it to be when you lost yourself? Was everything what you wanted to find, looking for yourself out in the world of love? I’m promising to live for the feelings of others instead of what my heart desires. What can I do to help you find what you need to continue in life? Surely, I’m not a God-send, but seriously, I’m always right here. You’re so much more than just my best friend, you are my life and always will be. You’re all like pieces of me, without you, I’m incomplete. Nothing is worth fighting for if we aren’t willing to fail too. You have to figure how to live for yourself, but I’m here to catch you whenever you fall. But right now, what are you going to do about it, instead of just waiting along for something to change for you, when you have to make the changes yourself- but not alone. You just have to have the right motivation and sheer determination to change for better. What we fight for is worth the pain we feel now, because in the end we’ll find everything. It’s the same damn things you’re so quick to believe- you do it over, and over again; and it’s the same mistakes I keep watching you make. You’ll fall for anything, won’t you? I’m always going to stick up for you, even when I know you’re wrong.
Episode 245
Heartless VII
Are you just going to stay in misery for eternity? Maybe. Will you even try to search for me again? What’s the point? In the end… You’re going to be in pain. It’s been a while since I’ve had any motivation. Try to believe in something. Nothing will change just because there’s hope. Everything will fall in the end, as it always does for myself. Nothing can be found without it being lost first. You could be so much more than this. Without her I’m nothing. So then find yourself! Looking down on yourself to never find your own salvation within a lost heart for something. I’m able to see through the void so that I’m aware of her heart, at all times of the world. It’s going to keep falling in my love. She doesn’t even trust you. Won’t you get your story straight- cause I need this now.
Episode 246
Eyes of Solace
There’s nothing to be gained in anguish and in pain. I’m moving on with or without you, giving you all the space you need to roam free. I’ve got to change- I absolutely must now. “Ya gotta get rocking, and he’s ready to go, cause now the countdown has started, and he’s ready to glow. He’s just going on, and on, and on, and on. Wanna get yourself together- there’s no time to rest. And if you put the time in, I’ll put you to the test. I’m like a running man in my work- war is less. If you wanna test me, bring your best. Don’t make me spell it out- bring your best. Because I wanted you, because I love you. In my world, where life is strong. In my world, life’s an open book. In my world- compromise exists. In my world, the world’s every step meets the rest. In my world, where one is all. In my world, never fear the fall. In this world- where compromise exists. In my world, the world’s every step meets the rest. I’m back again, well, what did you expect? Coming out to win ten out of ten- got a real rough neck. It’s like something never really straps on my shoes. I’m going to be the best there ever was- I hope you’ll witness this news! I’m just the one who will understand when the tides will swing, so I’m breaking down doors- never following. There’s no joy- there’s no shame- feel the crush- feel my pain. The only one- never born man, whipping the day- moving up, moving fast- gonna blow you away. Because the pressures of this world- they can take the toll, and it’s tough to get away when they take a hold. The only way to break free is to break the mold. Don’t stop now, come on and rock ’n’ roll. In my world, where life is strong. In my world, life’s an open book. In my world- compromise exists. In my world, the world’s every step meets the rest. In my world, where one is all. In my world, life is just a game we play, never fear the fall. In this world, I‘m here to stay- where compromise exists. In my world, the world’s every step meets the rest. There’s nothing for me left to show you- so this is goodbye.” That’s not what you want to hear today, so I’m going to want to blow you away.
Episode 247
Chi Alpha IX
There she was, as if she had waited for all eternity to see you again. Tears rolled down her face because she knew what you had to do. You were going to give it all up for all those you loved, but you didn’t have to fight alone. Your misery was created by your own hand. Even though the others knew this, they never wanted to protect you from yourself. Only their own self-interest survived your love, because they threw it all away. However, you never stopped fighting for them, even when you knew you’d fall. She returned to you, but not because you had changed- because she wanted to be with you as everything else fell. It’s like she never knew you in the first place, as you had given everything else up for her. Apparently she wasn’t’ the one you had in your heart before, but now she would never go. Like your brother had once said in a time of misery, “You just got to keep going to fight.”
Episode 248
Dear Jennifer
There never was a time to say goodbye; before I’d fall without knowing of you, because even now, we still do not know each other. We are twins, and yet, nothing connects us. Remember, we were together for the most of the time, until we were torn from each other. No- even now, I’m the one who screwed up, and now you’re not here to hear me out. Never did I show up when I said that I would, but know that I waited long enough to go. I’m not going to let you down as I have others, because you really are somebody to me. Anyway- you must grow up before anything happens to you. There is so much you need to learn before you fall like all those others. Nothing needs you to be a failure for them. Don’t run away from the fight, even when you know that defeat is inevitably chosen. Ignorance coupled with arrogance is the only exception to the hypocrisy rule of life- love. You have to believe in what you’re fighting for, or the battle is already lost, for all times. Somebody needs you now, so don’t fall down, you have to support- this is not a burden. You have to survive the tides of a swinging fight for love; you’ll never fall down again. Nobody knows the trials that might come to us in the night of darkness, coming strong. I’ll always be waiting here, for you. I’m on my feet- I’m on the floor- I’m good to go.
Episode 249
Painful
So many things I thought I could win, but in the end I fell again. This was my own order creation of misery- she was right when she said that this grief mine. Now there will never be an absolution, like those who came before her- I’m the one who failed, they never did. Get away from me- I don’t need your memory, so take them all away so that I cannot see. Why is this such a big ordeal for me to get over? Others call it foolish while I call it love. However, it’s a false love- edging on infatuation for somebody who simple doesn’t care. So many things were said- but they were all lies, because you never really cared at all.
Episode 250
Approach
The conflict arises once more, just to even the losing score. There are times ahead for everyone else, choosing to push their own hearts. There must balance between heart and mind, lest we will all fall again. Without compromise there cannot be the order and chaos that we necessitate to survive the harsh battle of love. What can be done to stop the pain? There’s nothing we can do now to negate a pain that has not yet arisen from the ashes. Don’t mistake a false hope- there will be misery, and I have the power to change it all- but I just don’t know how. It’s not if you go, I’ll go- where you go, I’ll go along with you.
Episode 251
Dear Austin
You are an embarrassment to my past- you’re still who you are when we departed years ago from that prison. You lack both priorities and expectations. You’re so blind to what should have changed in so much time. You’re so ignorant that you’d still continue as we both had during the time from the past. Even the shadows have more honor than you do. Nothing is able to change your arrogant heart and mind- thus you’ll never find what you’ve sought for so long. Let me show you just what I’m made of and who I’ve become. You’re just a face in the past- never moving forward, you desire that which has been lost. Somebody should change you just as they change me, for the better of my life, but you’d probably fail, because you’re not willing to let anything go- you ignorant traitor to life. You disgust me; you’re not willing to mature, because you think everything will be given. You’re the one who has to grow up for a change, so just give it all up before you fall.
Episode 252
Especially
I’m the one who keeps falling for the same tricks- this game that you’re playing with my heart has to end sometime. Your actions area always different than your words- which tear me to pieces. You wanted your space, so I’m giving as much as eternally possible. The best part of me was always you, so what do you expect me to do? You threw me away just as fast as we got together, but it all took work. Everything will end in despair. Do my promises of old still apply or would you have me throw them away as well? Nothing joins us anymore, so stop playing with my heart and mind- making them fight. Everything that we did together is all fruitless now, and nothing that I’ll think changes. When we were together there in the dark, our hearts beating as one, softly I’d wish that we’d never grow apart. So I’m waiting for you, with open arms- with nothing to hide- believe what I’ll say. Try to break my heart when it’s broke- nothing really matters now. It’s easy for you to tell me to move on when it wasn’t your heart that was broken. Whatever am I supposed to say when I’m choked up while you’re okay?
Episode 253
Grasping
I promise you, revenge. Nothing shall forestall the destruction of those who sought mine. By doing nothing, I ensure your misery in the future. So do as you please- I’ll laugh when you’re on your knees. While you continue to play games with my heart, I’m going to gamble with your emotions. Whose fault is this though? You keep searching for me, just to tell me to give you more space. I’m wanting you to feel the same pain that you sent me. However, I love you, so it is not something that I can wish for so easily for the situation. I’ve wanted to be so close to you that was possible, but I’m the one who screwed up a lot. You always want my help, but when it’s all over, you just cast me aside like you hate me.
Episode 254
Eyes of Storming
(0:00-0:24 The Decisive Battle) Here’s the story you’ll never find in a book; it’s in your heart, now you must take a look. Why should we wait for the time to come, when the twilight sets the burning sun? Can you see me? I see through you. Can you see me, though I can’t see you? Who in the Hell has made the first move; what can we all do right now, right now? What is this ordeal we are living through? Where in Creation have our dreams all gone to- never, ever told? We are together and though time stops, we will never fall down, falling down now. True love, never backing down; through our hearts we see the untold truth. Decisively, we continue through destiny despite the roads we have chosen. We cannot fall down, and we will never back down, not again, oh, not again. Hearts and minds, go through time, forever- never changing. (2:20-3:12 If You Don’t) Who are we now? Who are we? Who are we now? Who are we? Who are we now? Who are we? Who are we now? Who? Why wouldn’t you look at who we are on the inside- no, you’d rather toss me to the wayside. Flying away now- just fly away. Get away from… (1:00-1:26 Breakeven) “When a heart breaks- it don’t break even. What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you. What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re okay? I’m falling to pieces. I’m falling to pieces.” (2:17-2:38 Gasoline) Run, run, run away now, seeing what we’ve all failed now. You try to see right through me, something not done so easily. Why must we go through this, what did we ever have to miss? Going through our own time, it all seemed so sublime. (3:09-3:22 Under Pressure) “Because love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves- this is our last chance.” (1:38-2:28 Safe and Sound) “This hopeless feeling- this fear of falling down, but I’m not crashing now. For all this bleeding, it wasn’t worth the sound- a million screaming out loud. And still, the Earth comes reeling in; the curtain calls my name- I’m not afraid. And I know, you may not miss me, but I am not ashamed- the choice I made, but I can’t let this go.” (5:19-6:40 What I’m Made Of) “You can’t take- look around and try, cause you can take another try!” In your world, where life is strong. In your world, life’s an open book. In your world- compromise exists. In your world, the world’s every step meets the rest. In my world, where one is all. In my world, never fear the fall. In my world- where compromise exists. In my world, the world’s every step meets the rest. “Try to look inside of me- try to take my energy! Let me show you just what I’m made of! Simple curiosity, trying to take a bite of me. Let me show you just what I’m made of now!”
Episode 255
Rescuing
You’re told to run faster, just for your life. No, you’re not running! You’re here to fight, and find an absolution. If your destruction is sought, create their annihilation, be empathy. There’s no honor, no desire, bring forth all despair. Why can’t your vanity handle reality? Isn’t it sad when you have to lean up against a blank for comfort? Today, our adversaries bring forth a seeming unconquerable sequence, by both ignorance and arrogance, which are incompatible with harmony. However, collectively, they are able to bring destruction. You’re away that it’s a joke, then again, so are you. In time comes peace, which brings reward- even the most obvious of advice can sometimes help the most. Even when compromise is difficult to fight for. Seriously, you must remember, what’s a little misery? When you take yourself sensibly, trying to put yourself at the stand for your own trial- finding the balance- the mind and the heart- finding the compromise- foreseeing the inevitable- not even so much as when anymore- you must have preparation for the event. Revenge- it may not come today, it may not come tomorrow, it’ll probably occur Friday. I’m going to have to take a rain check. I’m a dying friend inside. Our minds and hearts are connected in some way, but even now, I’ll hope I’m wrong, but if I’m right- I love you.
Episode 256
Euphoria
Falling through the ashes again, without victory for our win, please pray against your sin. Your stupidity is seriously starting to anger me- why haven’t you done something new? I’ve told you before, you must see the social network around you, or you will die alone. Say what you want, because you also know the truth. This is an all or nothing scenario. Show them your progress instead of hiding away, on the other side of a blank screen. There’s no reward at the end of this empty journey- at least, not for you, not anymore. I’ve not yet given up on you, so don’t let me down, not again, never again, oh, not now. I’m sorry that I’d forgotten. Everything is falling away, and this time I’m refusing to stay. “I’ll never forget you.” That was my promise I made to you when we departed- I’m sorry. Something tells me that you are far more connected with your own mind and heart than others in the area where we met. You must help them find a way out of their ignorance. You didn’t think I’d forget about you, did you- Alexis. However, you’re not the one that was referred to. What about her- the one I’d failed to meet, because of my own problems?
Episode 257
Eyes of Light
Don’t you know when it’s time to move forward, with all the emotions you need? Together we’re going to find it hard to resist, because I’ve been waiting for you. I’ll pay any cost if it means I’m able to be with you in love, no matter what. I’m not going to let you go in my heart, because I’ve learned how to love past everything else. Save me- I’m lost looking for you. There’s a reason for all of this- our friendship will never fade away. I’m going to have to believe that time moves slowly when we’re together. I’m not going to lose you when I’ll have to leave this time. I’m hanging on a wire, ready to fall again. I’m never going to stop loving you- even when it’s time for us to finally say farewell. Nothing is going to separate us from a distance, cause when I said I love you, I meant it. As long as I don’t have to chase, we’re always going to be together- best friends forever. Nothing is going to stop me until I’ve finally spoken my mind and heart. Where are we going to meet later, after time moves around us, because I’m not going to let us go lost. As we move further away from each other, are we going to miss each other anymore? Show me what I’m looking for, later, in the future.
Episode 258
Graduation
Motivation is the work of pride; finally, something that is logical and emotional together. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what, I’m not going to let you down. Anything you ever need, I’ll bring it to you. Everything is possible for you- all you need is a little love. Even in pain, I’m not going to fade away- I’ll always be here to hold your hand in rain. You don’t need to say anything, because no matter what, I’m always going to understand. We’ll meet each other in our dreams. This wasn’t a vow- it was a simple awareness. Thanks for everything- trust, love, and hope; there’s so much you’ve given to me since…
Episode 259
Chi Alpha X
Do you even know what makes you a hero, Ciajje? You gave up everything for the rest of the world- everything that would come to an end, you were willing to fight and ultimately die to protect. We’re still one team, as always, and we both want to let them know that, even in the end, we’ll always be with them, waiting right here, because we love them. Your relationships with imbeciles must have enraged you. I’m always going to stick up for her, even when I’ll know she’s wrong. What more is there to find within my own self? I hate emotions and I do not love logic. Logic is order and emotion is chaos- it’s so serine.
Episode 260
Journal I
“My father and I never did have a close relationship. I love him and I know he loved me, but after a long time, probably ten years, it seemed as though I would never be the son he wanted. Since I was seven it seemed like we only fought. But when I turned seventeen, we changed. We said sorry and now we’re working forward, but these hard times taught me a lot. Never to be too proud and never yell for what someone does when they only want to help. He taught me to be independent and choose my own path, and he taught me how to believe in myself; I never felt like he did. I needed these times, and for that, something terrible, resulted in a needed and productive experience.”
Episode 261
Untouched (Heartless VIII)
“I go oh, you go ah. I can’t lie- I want only to get what I want, don’t stop. Give me what you got, cause I can’t wait anymore. Don’t even talk about the consequence, cause right now you’re the only thing that’s making any sense to me. And I don’t care what they say or what they think, cause I think you’re the only thing whose on my mind. I’ll never ever let you leave me. I’ll try to stop time forever, I never want to hear you say goodbye. I feel so untouched, and I want you so much, that I just can’t resist you. It’s not enough to say that I miss you. I feel so untouched right now- need you so much. Somehow I can’t forget you. I’m going crazy from the moment I met you. And I need you so much. See you, breath with you, and I want to be with you. You can take time- time to live where you got to live your life. Give me all of you- don’t be scared. I see you through the moment and I said one more. Don’t even think about what’s right or wrong, or what’s wrong or right. Cause in the end it’s only you and me, and nobody else is going to be around to answer all the questions. I am not meant to be so even if weren’t for the stance you take. Do you still need me to lift you up, when I’ll never let you down. I feel so untouched, and I want you so much, that I just can’t resist you. It’s not enough to say that I miss you. I feel so untouched right now- need you so much. Somehow I can’t forget you. I’m going crazy from the moment I met you. I feel so untouched, and I want you so much, that I just can’t resist you. It’s not enough to say that I miss you. I feel so untouched right now- need you so much. Somehow I can’t forget you. I’m going crazy from the moment I met you.”
Episode 262
Together (Heartless IX)
“If you don’t look good, then I don’t look good, then we don’t look good. Let’s make it work please, straight to work please, lift up your shirt sleeves. And if you’re done talking, then I’m done talking, so we’re done talking. So let’s connect lines, it’s past your bedtime, and I’m on deadline. Feel the tension, take a deep breath, don’t need to be stressed. Don’t forget this- you’re my apprentice, you need to do this. Just feel the tension, your teeth are clenching, and rev the engine. Let it guide you, and get inside you, and get like I do it. Working together. If you don’t look good, then I don’t look good, then we don’t look good. And if you mess up, it’s like I messed up, and we both mess up. Don’t betray me, because it drives me crazy. When I say crazy, you say how crazy, I say real crazy. And if the boss is happy, then she will thank me, and you will thank me. If the boss is cranky, then she won’t thank me, then I won’t be happy, and frankly, you won’t thank me. So if the boss is cranky, than you can’t outflank me- you don’t outrank me. Working together- it feels like forever.” So, now what will happen? I’m not sure I’ll even care.
Episode 263
Dear Kaeru
Apparently you don’t understand the extent of our situation, because then you’d know there’s room for improvement. No amount of words will ever change your arrogance. Constantly, you find yourself needing to argue with those who do not believe in what you think they should. We can’t always get our own way, and when we don’t, we shouldn’t take our anger out on those who see things differently. You’re going to fall in the future. My only rule is that if you fall to the ground, I’d better pray that you don’t get back up. Get over yourself- you have the right determination, but you’re going about it all wrong. You push away everything around you, finding excuses for you failure instead of searching for your own success. You’re addicted to idiocy- not the cornerstone of society.
Episode 266
Heartless X
I guess this is goodbye. Yeah. You could at least smile. Nah, it’s not worth the price for faking emotion. Oh, ha, I’m not worth it? … Well, see you later. Goodbye. … (Goodbye.) Wait! I love you. What?! I love you! I always have and I always will! Oh my God! Why are you crying? Because you’re crying too! Hah! Ha-ha! Didn’t I tell you it’d be easy? Just shut-up, being with you tells me enough! I love you too. I know; I always did know. Promise me you’ll never leave me. I’m always going to love you- I promise you. … What’s worth crying over now? It’s just.. I believe you. It’s funny, because now I know.
Episode 265
Trialing (Chi Alpha XI/Heartless XI)
“You- are you a sigil of Chaos?” … “Answer me, or taste my blade.” No, I am Chaos. “Then you shall fade away into the darkness like your peers.” It’s not something done so easily. Even I’ve tried to cleanse myself of darkness, but to no ultimate avail. “Indeed, what power! Such magnificent power!” You’ll witness my suffering as well, if you wish. “Gwah?! Just who do you think you are?” I’m Ciajje- project Chi Alpha- pure emotion. “This isn’t the end. I shall return!” Whatever you must tell yourself. “Just who do you fight for in this conflict?” Nobody, I am the conflict. “Then you too shall return to void.” Hmm, if you wish to see it, then you must feel true despair, like your other comrades. “No, we can protect you from them.” Not forever. “Isn’t it funny, how time dies away?” You’re the traitor to yourself, nobody else. “You can learn how to love, just believe.” Love, that’s all I could do, with nothing in return, I’d fight for her to the death. Unable to find any resolve left to fight again, I left everything behind. “You have to have a dream.” My dreams died with her. “Who is she then- this woman you speak so fondly of now?” Just my old friend. “Then why do you keep searching in your soul for a reason to fight?” It’s him… Hykian! “Hah, you believe that you can destroy both shadow and light?” Nothing matters anymore, I’m not here for myself- I’m here for her! “This isn’t possible.” Emotions aren’t possible, yet they occur as phenomena anyway. “She died because you loved her- isn’t fate such a cruel ordeal to live through?” No, she loved me! It’s because of you that I’ll never see her again with life! “Impossibilities rule our world, you know.” Get off your knees; you’re not going to die the way you would wish- as a simple martyr. Face my judgment- great, holy judgment, as you fall to the ground, unable to stand, unable to fight. She died in life, but not in my heart. “Everything betrays you once more.” Sometimes tears aren’t all we can say, and sometimes our skies won’t ever fall. Everything tries to break my heart when it’s broke; it’s the end where I begin- from death. I’m reborn from who I’d been when it was all a dream- to form a vortex of emotions.
Episode 264
Heartless XII
You came back for me? You want me to be with you. Yes, but you know what this will come to in the end. And I want to be with you through it all. So you snuck out for me? I’m in love with you. I love you too… God, what would I do without you? You’re more than just the love of my life- you are my life. I’m sorry that I left you before, when you needed me the most, and I just went along as if nothing had happened- but something did happen- you happened to me. I’ll always be happy that fate brought us together. Just shut-up… Who are we now? We’re always going to be together; promise me that we’ll always stick together, no matter what happens. I don’t care what happened before, because now you’re here, and that’s all that matters. I’m always going to love you- I promise you.
Episode 267
Chi Alpha XII
There’s no-one in town I know. You gave us some place to go. I never said thank you for that; I thought I might get one more chance. What would you think of me now? So lucky, so strong, so proud. I never said thank you for that- now I’ll never have a chance. Angels need you now- there you’ll meet my friends. So what would you think of me now? Lucky? Strong? Proud? I never said thank you for that- now I’ll never have a chance. Now I’ve lost you twice, but this time I’ll never be able to find you again. I’m so sorry for leaving you before. I’m not going to break our promise though- I’m always going to love. Hah, we never did promise that we’d stay together- just that we’re always going to love.
Episode 268
Dear Laura II
Never before have I had write to letters of powers. I don’t want to see our friendship fall apart because I’ve got problems. Why is it so hard to accept me for who I am, even when we know that I’ve got issues? We all have our problems; me, you, Maria, and even our creeper teachers. It hurts me to see my problems become reasons you use to ask space. You see, I want attention because sometimes I can’t tell how others feel about me. Don’t ever call my feelings ridiculous, just because you can’t understand them. You said good friends are hard to find- that’s how I feel about you. I don’t care if it’s right or wrong to love you, though not to be in love with you is so much harder. I’m here to help you always, like when you’re sad or sick. You and others make me smile inside, even when I’m appearing to be depressed. We don’t really talk anymore, or hang out, or do anything. We fight sometimes, and get annoyed by each other too- but all friends do that, and I’d hope that we’re better than that. Are we truly greater than this constant feud, the flames of which are fed by me; are we best friends? Not a chance because you’re not comfortable with anything more than friends. You lied to me- betrayed my heart again, and I’ve failed. You’re so blind to others around you- you’re so stupid! What makes a person so ignorant of the feelings of others, who love them enough to tell them how they fell about anything. It angers me, and for the first time, I’m willing to face everything, just to fight for you. Why are you willing to shut me out, for nothing that I’d ever done before was against us? You’ll never learn until you become aware of how to understand the feelings of the hurt. It’s so much easier to ignore me when you have no feelings for remorse- I’ll die then. However, though I’m blaming you entirely for this pain- for it is your fault, I love you. You never even considered it to be true- you’ll never even think about loving me too. Yeah, the lyrics can still be heard, but let me hear you sing them now. I hate you for love. I’m alone- for the last night has arrived.
Episode 269
Eyes of Love
Nobody gave me time to explain how I’d felt this entire motivation. I’m not strong enough to continue without the understanding of others. Never say never, but you had lied to me with everything I’d believe. How could everything fall away so quickly, so fast? My goal was to always stand by everybody- always to protect, always to cause laughter. Such foolishness exists in their hearts. You were all so blind to the gift that I’d been used. I was always we here for others until today, when everything died, and it all fell away. Until the end, my words have never betrayed me. Try to understand my metaphor, the irony that had always ruled over my heart and mind. Feelings, logic, emotions, wisdom- they were all given to me as a gift, so that I’d be able to guide everybody else to solace. I’m throwing myself out there to see who will save my life. I’m not even worthy to be called friend by those I’d protect even through my death- I’ll never fade away- recall. Argue with me to save my life- this isn’t a test for attention, it’s life or death decisiveness. If it takes my death for the happiness of others, gladly will I give it up for everybody else. I’ve never had empathy for anybody else, because there’s always somebody else in the world whose problems, not only greater, but also go ignored with every passing moment. The inverse number of the orderly will ultimately result in the chaos of my destruction. Hell, I could have died already and you would not have known or noticed any changes.
Episode 270
Dear Trevor
This letter of power has long been overdue. Not a week has gone by without my mind turning to you- the only person not afraid to show the world who you were on the heart. Through my mind I’d never allow myself to let you fade away- you deserve better than that, even when we never understood each other. You were a martyr to your own ways. You’re never going to die, because you taught me how to move forward from the past. Though, I’d never say sorry, my feelings were as if I’d apologized and forgave altogether. Your life, honestly, was never shown to amount to anything, until your life faded away. Surely the battle was worth it in the end- when your potential was finally realized. Perhaps I’m never going to amount to your understanding, but at least I’ll die alone. Ending, maybe I’ll triumph over my problems, with my final fall into eternal despair.
Episode 271
Kiss Me Goodbye (Heartless XIII/Chi Alpha XIII)
Kira! Before now, I’m just sorry for everything! It’s not your fault. Yes it is! If I wouldn’t have come into your life, if I wouldn’t have loved you, this wouldn’t have happened! Don’t worry- I wanted to be with you through it all- I love you. But everything else was… Don’t run away from your problems- face them head on with others. “What difference does it even make now?” For starters, we’re the same person, able to be split or not, we still rely on each other for strength. “No love remains in my empty, broken heart now…” There’s no room for anything more than the pain I already have. I gave my all to you. “For every page advance, the end draws closer and closer.” You’re insane, aren’t you? Malon.. I’m so cold. Don’t leave me Kira! So now I come to you with open arms- nothing to hide, believe what I say! So here I am, with open arms, hoping you’d see what your love means to me. Hey, you have to be strong for me. Don’t let me down Malon, okay? Nothing even matters because she’s gone forever, our friendship never even mattering. Though my trial never ends- it goes on and on. “Can’t we give ourselves one chance?” You’d rather be in constant agony than cause a friend any misery? “It’s unbelievable.” There’s no more time left to find yourself out of this pain, because now you deserve it. Why are we wasting our time just to reach a point so that my defeat may be caused with vengeance for those who had caused me the despair? This isn’t impatience- it’s selfish. “Don’t you remember, how everything was going our way, with whatever we desired?” Now it doesn’t matter where we go when everything else falls straight into the ground. “With love, nothing comes easy.” But to her- love is a one-way street, not for myself. “When we’re lost to deep despair, why don’t we look to the lonely?” Because we are. Spreading the emotions of our deepest hearts to everybody before we fall away for now.
Please don’t leave me Kira- you’re more than just the love of my life, you are my life. Trust me Malon, it’ll all be okay- don’t say your goodbyes yet. But I do love you too. Forget about trust! If you die, you won’t die alone- I’ll go with you. Please don’t leave! “Try to stop me, because I can’t do this for much longer. Until I’m down for the count, I’ll never leave. If I ever do say that I’ve fallen, it’s over already, but I won’t walk away. I’ll never back down. Just hear me say that I’ll keep the memories safe. Though I feel hopeless, and I’m afraid of falling down, I’m not crashing now. I’m in constant pain, and all pain is worthy of anger, but I won‘t allow it to take control. Still, time keeps moving, and the world comes calling for strength. Though everything calls me away, I’m not afraid. I’m aware that you don’t miss me, but I’m not ashamed of what I had to give up for your happiness, I just can‘t let go. I’m never giving up hope, because that’s all I have. Nothing, neither natural nor supernatural, will ever be able to stop me from caring.” Ignorance still plays a role in their hearts while arrogance rules over their minds, forever. “We’re going to leave this world as we entered it- with pain and misery as a price for us.”
Episode 272
Dear Laura III
Our lives are a complex collection of events and people, and I’m grateful every day that we met. Our friendship is something I’ll treasure forever. We may never understand why we act the way we do to each other, and I’m okay with that. Others around us will be jerks and will be happy when we’re miserable. Maybe my feelings are crazy, but I don’t care what you or others think of them anymore. However, you should know that, no matter what happens, no matter where we go, no matter who we date and decide to spend our lives with, no matter what we fight about, and no matter what you think; I’ll always love you. Love isn’t dating, kissing, or being with somebody; it’s not logical, nor easy. Love always involves pain, but being able to get past it all, and the true moments of that feeling of, “Oh my God, this is happiness, this is love.” If you think it’s ridiculous that I feel this way about you, then you are very immature, and you’ll never know love. Love isn’t always a two way street. Jesus wasn’t loved by all, but he gave his life for those who even hated him. I’m not interested in you loving me, just that you’re happy, and that you’ll find the person you want to be with. Stop being blind to those around you who love you already. Yeah, Maria’s a bitch and I’m selfish, but we love you, so don’t take this for granted like I have. Don’t ever forget- Laura, I love you.
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All rights, including the copyrights of scenario, names, and writing, reserved by Robert Maloney
Tbe Malon Trials is a registered trademark of Robert Maloney and illegal distribution of the title is punishable by international law.
Any illegal distribution, editing, or false claim to this work is punishable by international copyright law.
All rights reserved, 2009-2010 Robert Maloney
Many trials were undertaken in this period, and nearly led to my death.
However, the entries are more of essays of passion than a description of what was occuring.
These essays include romance, history, short stories, letters, recollections, quotations, songs, and poetry.
Everything has a given title refering to its subject matter.
Episode 1
Ignorance
Such foolishness exists in their hearts. Do they not see what is happening around them or do they just not care? I’ve been told the excuses of their pitiful experiences, but they don’t understand. Nobody cares how incapable they are, and nobody ever will. They don’t work, nor think, nor act, yet they believe they will succeed. Dreadful is their stupidity; they cower behind walls thinking that hiding will bring reward. They are forever lost in ignorance and shame. No pride exists in their hearts. Blissful, they go on each day, until then- when they shall fall.
Episode 2
For Honor
People have no honor. They always show arrogance and claim to the best and right. Such corruption is a way of life now. Nobody wishes to prove that they are wrong or have been wronged. Instead they stay to fight amongst themselves in order to compromise. Show that you are human- show that you can create serenity, not chaos. Chivalry is dead in the hearts of man, but not in their minds. We all realize our issues, but we don’t care to abolish them. We have dulled our purpose and corrupted our desires. No honor remains.
Episode 3
Maturity
Maturity is a concept born of the human mind. It is a fictional state of being that can never truly be attained. Rather, it is something to work towards, but never reach. It can be said that one can be more mature or maturing, but not mature, not completely. Understanding this is a major concept of thinking as a human- not just being one, but seeing the separation. Ironically, people often fail to know this; they are reluctant to think. They say, “Well, at least I’m mature,” which just proves how immature they are. People who are matured don’t have to claim to prove their maturity. People know that you are mature when you don’t have to bring awareness to it. In this case, people who are matured know they can never be mature.
Episode 4
Domination
There was time of solitude, when God was three holy Persons, but such times have dwindled away. Fate rules over nature, and Destiny controls all. We cannot rely on the greater Power. Nature has been forfeited to us, Fate held captive by us, and Destiny placed into the hands of power. God exists as The Judge, but we are not merely pawns.
Episode 5
The Escape
Sure, I want to run sometimes, as fast as I can, to the horizon. I’ll imagine that, at the end of my journey, there will be something to embrace, but that’s an all or nothing chance against all odds. Even if there is something there, in the end, it’ll be a lie. I won’t run away though. So throw everything you’ve got Fate, cause I’m here to win 10 of 10. Fate is slave to Destiny, and I may not always be right, but I love being wrong. Even when the tide swings against me, bring your best, because I’m giving this my all.
Episode 6
Higher Honor
I made a pledge to myself, not that long ago, that I’d keep my honor forever, as long as I have something to fight for. The catch- awareness; aware of the fact that, no matter what happens to me, happiness lies trapped in misery. I may know what the future holds, and though the Earth comes beating me down, I’m not afraid. Death holds no power over me, love will always champion, and Fate can hide no secret. This is life, and I’m not about to lose my honor for something so trivial. I must retain my honor, for a higher absolution.
Episode 7
False Love
Love is an overused word. In all respect, love is absolutely hilarious. The wish, that others will look at my true spirit, is so foolish. How can somebody believe in such a thing when they won’t do it themselves? I’ll tell you why- people are ignorant. Oh, I hear of the stories of people being heartbroken when the people they like simply don’t like them back, but then again, why should they? Love, to most people, is a one way street. They expect that the person they care about should also care about them. However, they forget that people do love them, but the people who truly do often do not receive love in return. So go about your blinded lives, because you cannot understand love without giving back. Sometimes we live for no-one but ourselves. [You’d know, would you not? [201]
Episode 8
Fate’s Trick
What game is life? Fate has made her move, and I am due to counter. What joke has been played against me? I don’t care. My happiness will always be trapped in misery. Whatever is being planned, I care not to know. This destiny is mine alone, and this dream I don’t want to wake up from. Have I truly gotten what I’ve given? I’ll give it my all, if it means I can stay with you. I don’t care what misery follows; never again will be as happy as I am now, just because you’re here. [Looking back, this was more of a joke. [206]
Episode 9
The Destination
It’s over now. Everything has come to an end, and creation cannot be seen again. What punishment is this? It cannot be a test- that oversimplifies the ordeal. A friendship has been abolished, and it burns me. These memories are like nails piercing my heart. Swept with anguish, yet I know what should be done. I’d rather be in constant agony than to cause my friends any misery. I need to let go, but the past won’t allow me to. The future is bleak because of the past. I understand, and nobody needs to apologize or be sorry. This is my burden alone, and I will not allow my pain to become the strife of others. If I must endure this sorrow so she can be happy, then so be it. I feel what lies ahead, and it may destroy me, however, I will not allow myself to be a source of pain. I just want to scream as loud as I can. I just want to run and never turn back. It’s not her fault, and I will not be angry. This must be my fault. In order for me to be happy, she has to be miserable, and I will not allow that to happen.
Episode 10
Endlessness
My heart and mind are in a struggle for supremacy. While my heart tells me one thing, my mind says another. I don’t know which is right, and it keeps eating at me. If I don’t find an answer, I feel as it may destroy me. There’s only one way out of this, but it cannot be realized. I only wish that others are happy, at the expense of my own happiness. I know I should be happy if they too are happy, but I just cannot see that truth. I lie to myself so that others will survive. I rely on others so that they will not rely on me. It’s too great of pain to fail others- but I already have. Oh, how I long to be free, but in my freedom lay the misery of others. So I have to act strong, though I’m weak.
Episode 11
Strength
This charade is a false hope. I’m not strong; I’m not courageous; I’m not wise. So then, why do others believe I am? Surely, I only act so that they will remain strong. The truth is that I’m weak, and that I only appear to be strong because I have no shame. I’m afraid of nothing at all, except to be right. I’m a pessimist in the hope to be an optimist. I loathe to be correct. How can I provide strength to others when I have none myself? I don’t know. I build these walls because I want people to tear them down. Honestly, I want her to tear them down; because she’s the reason I’m putting them up. I understand that I should want others to be with me, but human nature and my mind tells me otherwise. In this respect, I’m selfish. Those I want to give me strength- will they? I’m alone because I choose to be, but in the hope that others will help.
Episode 12
My Promise
I want to be angry, but if I become filled with revenge, my vow will become corrupted, “guadium est intus a vicis ad dolor.” Happiness is surrounded in a time of misery. This promise is a gift to others, but a curse to me. Everything about me is expressed- my life is an open book- the pages ready to be turned, but who will decide to read this novel? Surely I’m the most selfish. My heart tells me to care for others for their benefit, while my mind tells me to care for my own benefit. Ironically, people still care for me, ever though I don’t want them to, at least, that’s what I tell myself. Indeed, inside that’s all I want- to have somebody. I do have people here for me, but why must I be such a hypocrite to ignore it? I want to show just what I’m made of!
Episode 13
Absolution
I’m reaching for something that isn’t there. I’ve always been sorry, laughably so, for everything. Why can’t we be friends? Anybody else can see that this is tearing me apart. Anyone will tell you that I’m the happiest person they know, but I’ll tell you that I’m the saddest person I know. I now know who my real friends are, from this ordeal, but nobody can equate for another. You’re more than just a friend to me; nothing can replace you, because nothing and nobody can replace anybody else. Even if you don’t recognize me as a friend, that doesn’t mean you’re not. These are my faults, but isn’t it time I do the forgiving? It cannot be changed so easily, as I imagine. I cannot forgive anybody else, until I’m forgiven. There is more hypocrisy- I long to be forgiven, because I care so much for others. I’m here, not for myself, but for everybody else. I’m so sorry.
Episode 14
Conflict
There is a conflict in my soul, between my heart and mind. From this, my memories fade away, despite my clinging to them. I am often told, to face judgment for my past sins, even as they fade into nothingness. Again, the conflict ruins everything. Even love cannot escape its destruction. It too fades away, but not before burning everything. I should act with revenge, as the world often says, but if I do, then everything else shall fall. In the end, the conflict ceases, and I become wiser. Failure is challenged and becomes power.
Episode 15
Memories
It used to be, that the thoughts of the past led to my agony. But now, it leads to my happiness. The most luck possible was given to me for a time, and I used it well. This was nobody’s fault, neither mine nor hers. I am told, however, that again she is lonely, but I’m not able to help. I have been closed off and left in the shadows. Perhaps there is something I can do though; perhaps. Is there something I can remember that will help? If there is, I will gladly seek it out for her benefit. Something tells me that tonight’s going to be a good night after all. Nos etiam tutela.
Episode 16
Friendship
There was a friend I admired not long ago. There was something there that I could see, and now it can be seen within me. I don’t know why she can see it when nobody else can. Maybe it’s true though, as I am always misunderstood. I’m fun to torture, as it’s been said, but always for my benefit. There are people out there who can see my ability, though I try my hardest to hide it. I’m certainly glad they care as well. At last, this burden is mine to bear, but with others to help me when I fall. Ironically, if it wasn’t for her understanding, I would not understand either. This is why she’s my best friend, and why I won’t allow myself to make the same mistake twice.
Episode 17
Chi Alpha I
There was a project that sought the destruction of those which had created it. The project ultimately was a failure, but only because its use was a success. The prototype was born, and hatred ravaged its heart. It took revenge upon its captors and crushed those who had sold it away. However, it still had compassion, and attempted to take away the burdens of those it cared about, even if it meant its pain. In the end, it led to his death, but the lives of countless others were saved because of him. His name: Ciajje. He chose pain, but be in pain so that other may prosper.
Episode 18
Analogy
“Austin, asking Jessica out is like walking through a revolving door. It keeps giving you chances to walk inside, but you keeping missing out and having to wait again. Eventually, somebody else is going to walk in, and you’re not going to have another chance. I’ll give you twenty cents if you don’t ask her out, so you can go buy yourself a cookie, but I’m taking my money back to buy myself something. Now you don’t have a choice but to ask her out! Either you ask, or I’ll do it for you using my Mexican accent.”
[Recalling, I believe it went like “Is that a girl or boy?” ‘That’s a girl.’ “Oh.” ‘And I like her.’ “Oooh.” Seriously, you need to attain some standards. [262]
Episode 19
Chi Alpha II
Ciajje, is the ultimate life form, he is often called. Destiny holds no grip on your life, for you are beloved by Fate. It is a curse that you cannot control your own life though. Tell me; is it a gift or a curse to have such power- to be master of Fate? While others can only manipulate their destiny, you have a mandate to control its hand. Your journey is no easy one, however, and your life is in strife at all times. As you watch your enemies fall to the ground, do you remember at one time they were your friends?
Episode 20
Genesis
I have chosen to live my life openly, so that others may help me when the time comes. In response, I will take up their burdens with them, so they may not be in pain. Why would I choose to concentrate all effort on one person then? Don’t ask me why- I don’t need a reason. I have my way, and nobody else needs to follow it. However, the reason- it is quite obvious; in my sight, one person is the entire world. I don’t fear falling, because I’m not falling now, and when I do, somebody will be there to catch me.
Episode 21
Understanding
It’s been nine years since I first met her. Nine years of attraction, but to no accord. Though it hurts, I’m especially glad that nothing has happened. I don’t want to be the burden in her life, and I don’t want to lose her as I have others. She’s not afraid to speak the truth or what she’s feeling. Courageously, she challenges those who won’t compromise or are doing something useless. I’m glad that, if needed, she would yell at me to get a point across, suspicious of anger, but I understand. She does it because she cares, and would give up anything for my benefit, just as I would for her.
Episode 22
Plethora
It’s ironic, that the most caring person in the world is often ignored. Strangely enough, only those who see it can’t understand its grace. There is more wisdom in this genius than there is intelligence. Anger builds up, wanting to be released, but if that moment occurs, there will be no going back, so it must be refrained from doing its work.
Episode 23
Chi Alpha III
Tell me Ciajje, is your destiny truly the one you have wrought, or was it created when you were reborn? Your revenge is manifest, but your hatred is blinding. You love so much, that it has caused a conflict in your soul. You know not what to listen for, your heart or your mind. You’d sooner die for the people you cherish, yet you destroy. This belief that creation lies in destruction can only go so far. You remain a conflict, but your end is nigh- and your truth comes shimmering.
Episode 24
Psyche
A new day dawns with the creation of a brighter twilight. The people who are deemed corrupted wait a time for upheaval. The greatness of their potential has been realized. They are all brilliant, gifted, and set for power. However, such a blessing comes with its disadvantages. Not all have been understood yet. Moments come when we are able to understand that which has not been deemed knowledgeable. Things that have not yet happened are memories. We complete things that have not yet begun. Our minds hold power while our hearts hold wisdom, yet I lack courage.
Episode 25
Resolve
We have the experience and wisdom of life. From this, I remember the options, from which there is a decision to build. From this, we build a future. We are still dreaming, but I am determined to continue to pass the test of the resolve of my life. So then, is it so simple to be called a test? Though there is truth in my resolve, it means nothing unless it is understood by those for which it is sent. I’m letting go, but I promise I’ll stay here.
Episode 26
Angels Wing
No burden is yours to bear alone. I am meant to aid, but only if you’ll allow me to. I want to help. Though I understand, and you may not miss me, I can’t let go of my burden. Whenever the gift is called, I will give you a wing. My heroism lies in the power to care about others completely. I am able to take your burdens and pain, but I cannot live your life for you. Perhaps that was my problem- caring so much that it resulted in not caring at all because of its potency.
Episode 27
Impatience
I’ve learned from experience, that I’m not so much selfish as I am impatient. There are certain cases where I have shown my patience, but only as a curtain to how I actually feel. This is the time to show what I’m made of and how I do feel. I may never have this chance again, and if it leaves, so will everything else. I’ve never looked twice at something, only interested in current emotions. Maybe it’s not that people are selfish, they just have no reason to be selfless. Before all other aspects, love is patient.
Episode 28
Reasoning
Who is able to say how life should be lived? This natural ignorance has been around since the beginning of time. Is it truly possible to define what normal actually refers to? Perhaps, but that is a state of idealism, where nothing ever changes. Being different, to be weird, is to be human. To take our differences away is to make us a single entity, with no variation or traits. We’d all be living the same pitiful lives with the same hardships, burdens, and trials. Nobody is able to say how one should live. To live life to its fullest, with a firm grip on the future, is to be eternal. This is the dream of eternal life that we lust for so much. However, only society is able to recall, and their stereotypes live on. There is no defined way to live life, only to live out as your own person.
Episode 29
Protection
My friends mean the world to me, and to see them in pain fills my heart with sorrow, but in the depths, anger. I have to hold back this rage, or I, in return, shall cause their pain. It is evident in past events and ordeals. However, when there is a time necessary, I will most definitely have to serve. I cannot let this anger control me, or I become something less than I already am. I cannot let theirs be misery.
Episode 30
Falling
These are my burdens, and not yours to bear. I want to talk about how I can help you, yet none would like to help me. You pushed me away. I only wish for your best now. All that I want is for you to be here, but that’s okay, I’ll say my feelings openly. Everybody realizes that I’m caring, but you don‘t understand. Try to stop me, because I can’t do this for much longer. Until I’m down for the count, I will never leave. If I ever do say that I’ve fallen, it’s over already, but I won’t walk away. I’ll never back down. Just hear me say that I’ll keep the memories safe. Though I feel hopeless, and I’m afraid of falling down, I’m not crashing now. I’m in constant pain, and all pain is worthy of anger, but I won‘t allow it to take control. Still, time keeps moving, and the world comes calling for strength. Though everything calls me away, I’m not afraid. I’m all too aware that you don’t miss me, but I’m not ashamed of what I had to give up for your happiness, I just can‘t let go. I’m never giving up hope, because that’s all I have. Nothing, neither natural nor supernatural, will ever be able to stop me from caring. Like the final words of those approaching the end, will the angels give all possible strength?
Episode 31
Release
I heard the Spirit tell me that love was all I needed to make it through, but I see this isn’t true. Everything is needed from the Three. I cannot simply take love and wish for the rest to gather its strength. Now I’m able to make it on my own. Just give me up, so I can give you up. If you’d rather be with me, I’ll allow it. Do as you wish, because I can’t love and be impatient. Where had my honor gone to? Love, patience, and truth. Not all that’s fair in the world is meant for my pleasure; I must endure. As time goes by, I know you’ll see, that I cared enough to let you go free.
Episode 32
The Prototype
You had to make your move. Life was just a game plan. Now nothing can fall, as long as your ready to move onward to the future. Everybody has to get ready, because I’m ready to test. Though I’m not here for war, if challenged, I’ll give it my all. I’m not here to lose, but neither am I here to win this fruitless battle. For victory do I ride, but from defeat are we made. Now watch your step- don’t fall, but if you do, I’ll be here. You did great!
Episode 33
Chi Alpha IV
You didn’t give your life up for those who had already fallen. You didn’t save the lives for your benefit. You gave it your all so you’d save the world. Everything that happened you took, not caring what would happen to you. It was all your plan, and your life. Friends who had fallen, you came back for- those you loved. Tomorrow was getting stronger, so you gave your strength to today, knowing full well that you’d fall. Love was not forsaken, but you didn’t mind if you were seen as a hero or an enemy. During the moment, you were hated by all, but in the end, you were the greatest hero of all.
Episode 34
No Densetsu
Koizumi was a man of courage, though arrogant, he never game up hope, even when he knew he’d lose. He’d rather fall than lose his honor. Rowan allowed pride to take advantage of himself, yet with the love of his comrades, he was sustained long enough to survive amongst corruption. Courtney was always loving, but never to the one who care about her the most. She wasn’t able to understand, but because of its power, she admired him more than he could ever want. Seymour was lonely, but always caring, even when it seemed that he was going to fall. Nothing could twist his wisdom and compassion.
Episode 35
Currents
There is destruction made manifest, and creation lies doomed for despair. Is it possible to see your life move through time? It’s there, but unable to be seen while blinded by hatred and sorrow. We can’t help but follow our faults, but they will always be repelled by the one who cares the most. From the works of yesterday, we are able to move on. The past should be kept away, always creating the future with its destruction, and creates the present. If you can see the future, go ahead and hold onto it, because you’ll fall today.
Episode 36
Believing
Happiness is trapped in a time of misery. My vow was corrupted, because my heart and mind had been corrupted. It’s not your fault, and nobody should apologize. I’m able to move on because you’re strength is driving me forward. Eventually I’ll be able to move on my own, but only because you cared without knowledge. I’m searching in the lights of friendship, and although it’s dark now, it has to become brighter. We can’t stop believing.
Episode 37
Chances
History is made with chances. Life is a chance, ya know, we can’t always play with a known hand. We are dealt with all varieties of situations, we just need to understand how to manipulate them to our advantage. As long as its for the advantages of others, we cannot lose in the future. The past is forfeit, the present is dying, but the future is bright. Never go on your first decision, nor the decisions of others. You cannot take advice on personal matters, because no two situations are ever the same. The risk may be great, but the reward is as well. If you fall, don’t worry, because I’m here to give your chips back. All you have to do is seek my compassion, and you’ll find me.
Episode 38
Deserving
What happened for me to feel such pain? Why was my pain taken away from me? Burdens have been lightened for me, by You. What did I do to deserve either? I’m aware of my friendship, but I still feel alone. I can pretend to be happy, but deep inside I still feel agony. I realize this, but I still can’t reach it. I want to know the answers, but I also wish to know if I need to. There is a difference between wanting and needing. It is apparent that I want you, but only time can tell if I truly need you. You should know, before you leave, that you put the dream in my reality.
Episode 39
Apostrophe
I’ve been ignorant of this creation. Always has it been spoken as if the world was all one person, though aware of the hypocrisy. I couldn’t stand being wrong, though I loathe being correct. Tell me, why then must I suffer? Look at the cloudy sky, and tell me if you know where they’ll be tomorrow. The sky remains the same, but it’s contents change. Nobody can account for the actions of others. Go ahead and waste your days sinning for others, but aware that I’m still waiting for you. Why are you alone though I’m here?
Episode 40
Barriers
There is a wall built between us, by your hands. Should I leave it standing, or tear it down? I want to tear it down, but I’m not sure of what you want? If left standing, perhaps it will erode with time, and the more I come reeling, the stronger you make it. This is your burden, but you gave it to me, and I’m unsure of what to do with it.
Episode 41
Perfection
Everything that has been done was a charade or a lie. I put on an act, when I should allow others to live their own life without me. If they truly understand me, they’ll come on their own. I’ve acted so strongly and to the best I could that everybody thinks I’m perfect, when just the opposite is the truth. Whenever there was strife, it was aptly hidden. Perfection was shown as a curtain to the truth. By showing that I care, I was being selfish, because I believed that by being perfect, I’d be loved in return. It is not possible to be perfect and to command love nor be delved in failure and mandate compassion.
Episode 42
Knowledge
There’s no point in looking to others for my motivation. What drives me remains in my ability to create using compassion. Don’t compare me to Him. Though the thought rests within my mind, it is abolished in my heart. Make everything reborn, and legends will be retold during ordeals. There’s no such thing as running away to end conflict. We’re almost out of time, and we’re not looking within ourselves. Almost everything was erased before it could begin. Tell me, were you looking for me or yourself? You claimed to be searching and found me. Your words are going to kill me. Now I’m going to show you who I am and what I came for. Try to reach inside of and take what is my burden. Let me show you just what I’m made of. Though curiosity comes beating me down. Everybody who has fallen before me becomes another burden. In the truth of this battle, I can’t take any more of the pain. My strength and weaknesses are all under my command. Our hearts will not be able to catch fire now. Make everything reborn, so this can end. I have nobody to believe, so trust me so I can trust you. Memories burn forth. You can’t take it, so look around and try, because I know you can survive. In my world, life is meant for all, and is told as it is. Never fear the fall, because I’m here to catch you. Compromise exists, and your every step meets the rest. You spoke through our memories, using just a single hand. Please, try to take my energy; let me show you just what I’m made of.
Episode 43
Path of Light
In the light, do you see what I dream. Are my problems what they seem? I might know of the future, but only you can decide if it shall last. Do you still feel my pain? My valor was here to fight for you. Only you know if you’ll be together tonight. Every night I wish to save your life, and to be with you. I could tell of everything great, but there remains hardships to get past. Everything just stays the same. Who knows what of the future? Nobody is able to change the past.
Episode 44
Eyes of Truth
“I’ve always sang my songs, on this stage, on my own. I’ve always said my words, not afraid to be heard. I saw you smiling at me; was it real or just my fantasy? I’ll always be here in the corner, of this tiny little world. My last night here for you; same old songs, just once more. My last night here with you; maybe yes, maybe no. I kind of liked it your way- how you shyly placed your eyes on me. Did you ever know that I had mine on you? So there I was, with that look on my face; as if I’m always hurt, as if I’m always down. Shall you be the one for me, who pinches me softly but sure? Maybe then I’ll awake from all of my dreaming. So let me come to you. Close as I want to be- close enough for me to feel your heart beating fast. And stay there as I whisper, how I loved your peaceful eyes on me- you had always known that I had mine on you. So share with me, your love if you have enough, the tears if you’re holding back, a pain if that’s what it is. How can I let you know, I’m more than the words and the voice. Just reach me out, then you will know that you‘re not dreaming. Darling, so there you are, with that look on your face, as if you’re never hurt, as if you’re never down. Shall I be the one for you, who pinches you softly, but sure. If a frown is shown, then I’ll know that you’re no dreamer.”
Episode 45
Friendlessness
You mean so much to me, because one is all. If you’re not willing to be with me, I cannot force it upon you. I’ll leave you with your freedom. Everything that is and will be is your choice now. I wish so much that we could be friends, but I know that just isn’t possible. We’ve never been friends, and I don’t think we can, as long as I have this ability. It’s from my compassion that I have to let you go. I know you’ll see, I cared enough to let you go free. I will give you wings to fly, and you will be away once more.
Episode 46
Priority
I have to let you go now, so that I can get a grip on my life. Perhaps that is what you also intended, but I’ll never know for sure. I’m not free, but I have to make decisions on my own now. There is more to life than just my emotional aspect, and I have to care for all of them, instead of being blind to them. It may be over now, but the conflict has not yet been resolved. There are more trials to be overcome.
Episode 47
Twilight
I had a feeling, that the night would be a good night. It turned out to be the best evening of my life thus far. That night, I was ready for anything. I was prepared for victory, and indeed, through my loss I gained something more. You comforted me. Now I want to let it go, but I can’t, and I don’t understand why. If I go out, I’m afraid I won’t come back. I feel stressed out, but I can’t live it up. I had a feeling that the night would bring destruction. It turned out to be the worst evening of my life thus far. That night, I was ready for anything. I was prepared for failure, and indeed, through my gain, I lost something far more valuable.
Episode 48
Compromise
I’ve always said that I understand you, but now, when all my cards are folded, why can’t you understand me? To be honest, I give nothing but compassion, and rarely do I see it returned to me, even if it is obvious to other. I’ve put these walls up for you to tear down, but the wall you built means you cannot. I cannot find the light, and I feel my dreams are dying. Should I let go? Is there anything left? Should I give up? There’s still something missing, and I cannot leave it alone.
Episode 49
Destruction
Burning inside with constant anger and vengeance- I seek the destruction of those who would not allow me to be aided or to aid. Such cruel fate has been placed on my burden. None wish to release me from such agony, and in every right. Come, give me more reason to hate the world. This generous gift has become corrupted along with the person it was gifted to. My vow has been tainted, and my voice, cursed. I seek to end this conflict with a dark resolution. Everything was taken away from me, and I was left in the shadows. Nothing can stop the great power of the lust for revenge! I came searching for you, and you hid, along with the gift you stole from me. I would care not for my vow, my gift, my promise, if only I were to be embraced. I was thrown aside, made lonely forever. I sought happiness, but only found misery. This is why- I promise you, revenge. How does it end? I’m not Hell bent on destruction, I’m just nervous and afraid.
Episode 50
Answered
There was always a reason, and due to my selfishness, I didn’t care to understand. How could I claim to be a friend, when I didn’t trust you? It was always you didn’t trust me, at least, that’s what I thought. I think I understand now, maybe you do trust me, but I will never know. As long as I trust you, there isn’t a reason to worry. There must be a reason why- there always has to be. When you’re ready to trust me, I’ll be waiting. It cannot be forced upon somebody, like love, it takes time to be built. It is hard to create, but ever so easy to completely destroy. Let us hope that latter never to occur.
Episode 51
Dreaming
There’s a person, who has only appeared in my dreams. I do not know who she is yet, but I know that I’ll meet her someday. While asleep, she is incredibly vital to my happiness, and yet I have no clue to her identity. When the time comes for her to leave, I fall apart, not being able to bear the thought of losing her. Who is she? I must know if I’ll meet her in the future, because something inside me longs for her. I’m not alone, but at the same time, I’m not with you. Destiny holds a curtain over your identity- I cannot seek you out. A new trial has begun, with knew characters, but I feel as if I’ve known you forever.
Episode 52
Hand of God
There are three powers in existence- Fate, Destiny, and Nature. Fate is an evil presence, able to be manipulated for the better part of life, but left unchanged, will only lead to pain and sorrow. Destiny is not able to be changed, it’s what must happen, and thus could not be altered for the sought. Destiny’s hand cannot be stayed, it’s what will always happen, despite the ordeals that occur. Nature is simply the field of play, where Fate and Destiny meet to make their moves for the greatest game created- the game of life.
Episode 53
Christmas
This time of the year is abused to its fullest extent. Everybody claims it to be a time of giving and love, but shouldn’t that be all of the year? There’s nothing special about Christmas at all- in fact, before Constantine, it was a pagan holiday! Thus, why should it get any special attention? Maybe there’s something I’ve overlooked, but it’s not likely. Despising any time with family, everything just goes from bad to worse. People are so ignorant, not understanding what they claim to believe in with this holiday. Especially those who do not even believe in Christ- they should absolutely stay away!
Episode 54
Atheism
Those without something to believe in should be destroyed- at least, that’s what I first thought. Maybe they see something, but are they really so lost? What happened to them that makes them fail to believe in anything? I doubt it’s so simple. There are friends who do not believe, but they are still wise. However, they should not mess with things such as the Constitution and various holidays. If they wish to, then they can get out of our nation, such as atheism is not a religion, it does not deserve leniency from the Constitution, nor should they simply not celebrate various holidays. Stop complaining and believe!
Episode 55
Aspirations
I live for the sake of others, at my expense. My dream is to be with my friends whenever I am needed. However, I become clingy, and often push those I cherish most away. Perhaps I understand too much, but place my burdens on my friends, just to show off. There is a time and place for everything- this can be understood. I can’t protect everybody, and that burns me, but it shouldn’t burn others as well. I’m lucky I have people who understand though, and they will be with me forever.
Episode 56
Goodbyes
To say goodbye is to forever lose somebody. There is no such thing as goodbye, because there will always be a time for paths to intertwine once more- it is destiny. However, Fate has placed the burden on our hearts, and we must overcome. We shall see each other again someday, but when- it is beyond my ability to tell, because of Destiny. I miss you.
Episode 57
Loveless
There’s always been somebody to tell me how sweet I am. They see the truth in my words- but they don’t understand that they are empty promises. Nobody who I want to see needs to, thus they go on without them. I wish for others to see who I really am, but in order for that to occur, my burden would need to be theirs. In my view, nobody is such simple adjectives, they are more gorgeous than pretty, more needed than wanted, and more important than wit. Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable.
Episode 58
Empathy
The power of the future is gifted to everybody, but they just need to manipulate it. This gift was trusted to me. Emotions are not as easy to hide when I can see through people, but not only now, but into the future. I feel what emptiness lies ahead, but also, the understanding that joy is surrounded by times of misery. It makes the bad times even more important to cherish than the joyous. From failure, is our greatness made.
Episode 59
Sarcasm
Life is so much more fun to live with variety! Nobody can go on day to day, with the same routine, and still retain their humanity. It is something we are all born with, but like other things, we lose it with our ordeals. We are all made with the ability to overcome, but often the people we want to help the most simply will not. Shall we continue with the same notion- we need those who love us. It’s not a simple want, it’s a necessity. Tell me, where was I when you fell? Did you seek me out? I’m so sorry. If needed, I’d life your burdens, but yours is a life I cannot live. I place variety into the lives of those who need it most, even if it’s a simple day to day thing. My life has lost some humanity, but I have received so much more from those who love me. Then why does it still hurt so much?
Episode 60
Chi Alpha V
We are not judged by how much we love others, but by how much others love us, isn’t that right Ciajje? No, of course it isn’t. You lived your entire life, being hated by all, because you destroyed those who cared. Did you want to be alone? Is that because you couldn’t bear the thought of hurting those you loved in the end? You were aware of those who loved you, and they gave up their lives for you- with not a single fight. There were others as well, and your brother, who did not give up on you. You fell so that others would never, because you were afraid that you couldn’t catch them. It was now or never, wasn’t it? The time came for a choice- either you’d fall, or they would. You decided that you’d rather be in constant agony than to cause them any misery. Can you be forgiven?
Episode 61
For Ability
These writings are for benefit of others- through my ordeals, I hope that others may learn. I may not know everything, but I try to be wise in my mind and in my heart. Though we think something, a monster it does not make us. You can read my words, but if you can’t read my heart, it’s fruitless. These are my trials to overcome, and I’ve learned much from their completion- but it means nothing if others can’t learn from my hardships.
Episode 62
Compromise
People never wish to compromise- at least, that’s what I’d like to say. When it really matters, I suppose, compromise is the only solution, but society as a whole has painted a picture of all or nothing. Being steadfast is pointless, if what you’re fighting for is not what is right. You can win the moment, but Destiny has forfeited your future. Something must be given up to attain something greater. It’s a law created by nature. You can always try to manipulate the hand of Destiny, but you’ll never come out on top.
Episode 63
Universally
Life is a simple game with complex outcomes. Nobody can see the future, and if we’ll be right or wrong, but it’s not a guessing game. I’m loved universally, because of how I’ve chosen to live life. I won’t make enemies of others, but they will of me, but I’ll always come out on top. As long as I don’t let this gift become my arrogance, I will not be able to lose the eternal fight. If mine becomes ignorance, it will feign foolishness.
Episode 64
Abandonment
You left me in the cold. Step away from me- don’t break my heart again! My mind believes that it can outsmart my heart on its field of play. Not again- unless I hope to be a hypocrite. I will not allow my thoughts to ruin me. I should be angry and I have the right to push you away, but I will not allow anger to grip my heart. I shall forever love. The closer you come, the harder it is for me to stand without falling to tears, and the further you go, the harder my heart becomes. I need something to embrace, or I’ll fall like those who came before me. I’ve always got to do something big! You broke my heart, along with our trust, and now I want it back, but you won’t allow it. I’d hope I’m different.
Episode 65
Genius
My thoughts are great, however, they form empty words. Though everything about me seems perfect to myself, it only creates my arrogance. I believe that I’m better than others, which goes against what I stand for. I want people to argue with me, because then I know that people do care. These walls aren’t to keep people out or people in, but to see who’s willing to come inside. I’ve made my choice long ago, and I’ll have to stick to my vow. Am I manipulating Destiny thinking it to be Fate? In other words, am I trying to change what cannot be changed? Maybe, but the future is only known to the future itself. Somebody has to argue against me, so that I’ll know that I’m still fighting for the right reasons. I loathe to be correct, but I cannot always be wrong. I’ll argue myself if it means that I won’t become something I’m not. I am not so much intelligent as I am wise.
Episode 66
Chi Alpha VI
Fate had made her move Ciajje, and you were due to make yours. What you did, put everything and everybody in jeopardy, but it saved the lives of countless. Was it because you were selfish and wanting to be the hero? It couldn’t have been that simple. You were the prisoner of souls and a slave to Fate. To be the master truly is to be the servant. Knowing too much is what led to your destruction. It wasn’t that your life was able to taken for granted, it just happened. Now, in the time of your upheaval, the one you cared about most has taken everything away. Is it possible to counter such a move? It must not have been worth the pain, since all you took from it was the destruction of anything that got in your way- including that which you had vowed to protect! Compromise does not exist in the soul which you promised to take control of- your belief had an exception.
Episode 67
Timing
For somebody who claims to be able to feel the future, I sure have the worst timing of anybody the world has ever known. Anything I do is always late, usually too late, or given too early. Ironically, I’m always able to get a point across, despite the crush. Nobody understands, at least, that’s what I believed. There are those who understand, but in order to see them, I must give up the memory. It has destroyed me, and she takes in that, or she’d do something about it, as I have tried so many times before. It’s over now, but she won’t leave it be. This is not my fault, but it is my burden to bear.
Episode 68
The Fifth
It’s only one fifth over, and what I’ve seen already does not bode well for a bright future, however, I cannot give in. Destiny will not allow me to fade so easily, but neither will it allow my memories to fade. Whenever I think of you, I believe I’m causing you more pain than you’ve caused me, and for this, I apologize. I am human, so then I carry the faults as do all others. I’d hope myself to be different, and force myself to become something we all know that I’m not. To the truth, I’m not an imitation, I am the real thing, and there will be none other like me. One of many, and it was lost, forever.
Episode 69
Standing
I’m no ordinary person, as shown through my words, but I hope live them out through my actions as well. This is a test of myself, to see if my words are empty, or if they truly hold a message as I hope they have. Compromise must exist, but I will not allow my own will to take advantage of the lives of those I care about, or care I will not. My mind is formed from genius, but my heart perfects it, and ensures my actions live out my words.
Episode 70
Semantics
Destiny holds fortitude over our lives. We cannot hope to be born to a family before our conception, nor any time after. To claim to be something that time has not allowed possible is to be foolish. We’ll never know how things would have been different, and will never be possible. It’s not understandable if it’s never possible. If things were different, how could you tell of their change? Things that happen due to another variable will never change unless acted upon by a separate variable. For example, something that was a great help to the completion may have indeed caused for it beginning, thus, without the variable, the solution is inevitably changed.
Episode 71
Redemption
That feeling of remorse, all are aware of it. Don’t paint your ordeal as something that others cannot be affected by, because everybody is. When you fall down, don’t tell yourself that others will pick you up. Those who wish to help are those who love you, and those who do not are either infatuated by the present or by pride. Can you feel life, tangle you up inside? Get off the ground, because you’re redemption has been found.
Episode 72
Pride
Those who are proud for petty things will fall in the future, but not before being corrupted and bound to the greatest ordeal of all. Pain and suffering mean nothing if inflicted upon yourself, because there will always be others who care. However, when the pain is given by others, it hurts more, doesn’t it? Tell me then, why won’t you let anybody else into your soul? It has become a prison, says a simple reason, but you’d rather it be complex, so it is even harder to explain and becomes even more of an excuse. Be proud not of what you have done or what you will do, but of what you can do- be proud of who you are, not what you are capable of, though hypocritical.
Episode 73
Paradox
I have found in life, the most contradictory of themes is often the best possible solution. Compromise is the only surviving factor in hypocrisy, which makes it more of a correct end result than any other choice. It’s an unexplainable puzzle, but it’s true. Everybody can see this truth- it’s a gift we all hold. A person doesn’t have to be strong in all areas of life in order to be human, just like the senses, it hones our other pieces.
Episode 74
Order
There cannot be order without a comparable chaos. My job is to create neither, but help whenever the situation arises, so that both ignorance and arrogance are kept away. During order, ignorance to the truth, that shadow exists somewhere with the light, is taken advantage of. During chaos, arrogance is shown wherever the belief is alive that nothing shall overthrow its dominion. There must be a unison of both, lest the world fall.
Episode 75
Sensory
There are five main aspects to life- physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and social. The physical is what we come into contact with each day, to empower us with the ability to survive that which could destroy the rest of us, and establish the other areas into existence. The mental creates who we are by connecting all other areas. The emotional decides what decisions we take day to day, based on situations from the past. The spiritual creates all what we believe in. Finally, the social is what binds all of us together, despite all other differences. We can die in any one of these areas, yet survive with others.
Episode 76
Pathway
Compassion is what will show who the righteous truly are. To show how you feel is to be strong, though you may think that you are weak. Only those who are weak tend to never show how they feel, instead becoming stronger in other areas, to hide who they are. It is possible to love others without being loved, but so is the opposite. As unnecessary as it happens to be, to hide how we feel, we do it anyway, in the vain hope that somebody we admire will come to the rescue. We all emotionally understand it, but mentally, we cannot, for it would ruin us, and cause us to feel pain.
Episode 77
Disillusionment
We live in an illusion, something that we cling to because it is all we’ve ever known to be true, though a lie it really is. However, there comes an event that shows us the reality, and it hurts us, however, it also helps us. From this, we can understand the ideal; though we can never truly attain it- this perfect state is something we have to work for, or we’ll fall into the illusion once more. We cannot live a lie forever, or all we do is for nothing, but is this so true of a statement? All we can possible be aware of is who we really are inside. The world could use something amazing now, and I’m here to see it through.
Episode 78
Possibility
We have no reason to die if we have no reason to live. There must be something we are willing to die for, or we cannot hope to live for its motivation. Truth is shown within our power to continue for something to strive for. Even if there’s nothing here now, what will be there in the future will have been worth every moment of this pain. Every day I wonder what the world would be like without me. It is possible to say, but impossible to know.
Episode 79
Anticipation
Though we can all claim to see what lies ahead, we truly don’t know. If what we attain is not worked for, it loses all appeal. The harder we strive for something, the more valuable it becomes. That is why everybody who has been handed what they’ve always wanted will never appreciate what they already have. If you don’t have an ordeal, than what you have was never really worth it. Go ahead, fight for what you think is the greatest, because I can see through the lie, and you are blinded by the shadow that you think is the light. We don’t know what we’ve got until it’s gone.
Episode 80
Revealing
If nature could change its ways, and I could control Destiny. If the stars fell from the heavens, and you could decide fate. What would any of this change? Now I’m looking for the reason why you put this trial into motion. If none of this is true, then I have fallen already, but not without my story being told. This is my story, and I cannot force you out of it, because you forced my hand to write it. Never was this a bad ordeal, because in the end it was for the benefits of others, and to better my soul. But if you’re not really here, then none of this matters anymore. Please be happy for both of our sakes.
Episode 81
Beneficial
Everybody has a sense of what is right inside of them, or they become Fate, something less than human. We are all born with this innate nature, as redundant as it may be. However, situations and ordeals force our hands into predicaments which change our destiny into something it was not meant to be. Fate must always be challenged, or our purpose will be corrupted into something its not meant to be. Everything- good and evil, throughout history, has always formed a purpose for our benefit.
Episode 82
Recollect
If words could draw a tear, then mine will make you shatter. So step to the top, without fear, or your wisdom won’t even matter. All have faltered, though none have cried. As I have returned, they have arrived. Willpower is a drifting current, moving through the endless pond. It gathers all that it touches, quietly engulfing our hopes and capturing our spirit. Driving forward using all power it can muster; halting not, it continues its journey. Disappearing into the depth of the unseen, to begin its voyage anew. Two brothers walked at their side- one spoke the truth while the other lied, yet the both proclaimed, “For victory do I ride!” All knew the folly they had stayed- no memory of theirs could ever fade, but they together understood, “From defeat are you made!”
Episode 83
Emotional
I can see through the curtain that you have put over your heart. I see all your troubles, and it burns you, but you’ve always known of my gift. I can feel your pain, your burdens, your troubles, and I’m here to help. Your joy is yours alone to experience, but your burdens are mine to bear with you. In my world, all hearts beat together as one, melodious song.
Episode 84
Miracle
You can be physically rich, but the greater one aspect becomes, the weaker all other areas become; this is the reason to be flexible in nature. Wake up kids; we’ve been dreaming all along, and we’re busy still making the same mistakes. Every night we do the same foolish moves, and then wake up as something different. We only get what we give.
Episode 85
Regal
Purple is indeed a color of power, salvation, and justice. It’s a symbol of greatness, and shown to those of a deserving nature. However, it isn’t always earned, and often is given away as a prize to those not ready for power. Any power will corrupt those who do not intend to use it for the better of others. The ninth day had arisen with the judgment.
Episode 86
Talents
I take the memories of others and make them a part of me. It is possible to say that I am made up by what others have created me to be. However, my true nature was created of and by myself. My gift is not often spoken of, in fear of losing it. I’ll hide it away, but show its purpose off whenever it is needed. Everybody has a gift, or I would not be who I am today, that is why everybody else must continue whenever memories are formed, be good or bad, we must somehow carry on. Soon, all shall be revealed.
Episode 87
Message
The time has come for everything to be carried out, and I’m not afraid. Though the past has grace if I give up, the future beams for my success. I cannot back down now, or I’ll lose everything I’ve worked so hard for. Fate is waiting for me to fall, and everybody is calling for my greatness. I’ll open everything around your heart for the morning light. Vengeance is seeking my heart, to take advantage and strike down all which has caused my pain. My nature may be golden, but only because of others. Salvation is holy mercy, in a time of great misery. Everything is beating me down, but I will not falter. Tonight is the final move for you to make. Compassion is what the truth holds for the future.
Episode 88
Solitude
Being a loner has helped shape my abilities. If it weren’t for my being different, I may not have such an amazing gift. Not having to show such remorse means I am able to form sharper opinions and deeper thoughts than most. However, I hope the gift I have now is able to both survive and expand as time goes on. If I remain stationary, it will fade.
Episode 89
Respect
People have respect, and some people do not. To give respect to others is to give yourself respect as well. This is something to give to others as you’d like to receive. If you do not respect others, you too will not be respected. To respect is to admire, cherish, and believe. It is not something given, it is something to be earned by hardships, ordeals, and trials. However, we are not meant to disrespect despite our not lack of knowledge.
Episode 90
Finishing
Most people care for only the most trivial of matter, not willing to look at what actually matters. Things must be accomplished to save the present but preserve the future. Anything that is done for personal gain will not last forever. Society cares to point out flaws, but ignore what has been done, but maybe for a good reason. If we dwell only on our successes, we cannot grow. However, if we only point out trivial matters, we cannot complete what we have already started. There is always something to be accomplished.
Episode 91
Chi Alpha VII
You were able to live still, but if you couldn’t live with yourself, it didn’t matter. This is why you never cared what others thought of you. You didn’t need others in order to survive, but if you were betrayed by your own heart and mind, the battle was futile. Still, you went on each day eager to finish what had been started for you, but only if it was done your way. However, in the end, if it weren’t for you, nobody could live with guilt.
Episode 92
Accountability
Point to the judge- he who is able to decide the guilt of another. Truly, none, alive, are able to do so. Only those who have fallen are able to point Him out. However, while here, we must be held accountable for our actions, or, it isn’t our own guilt we must live with, but the guilt of others. It is not only for our own benefit to survive failure, but for the benefit of others, who can learn from our mistakes. However, advice cannot be taken seriously for all matters- for no two scenarios are ever the same. Honestly, if we wish to make it on our own, we must fall. Though there are always reasons for actions, they cannot be free for the destruction they cause. Face your failure- great, natural failure!
Episode 93
Focal Point
I’m tired of the same old “jack of all trades” routine. If I were able to concentrate my efforts on a single area, I may become stronger than I am already. To divide my strengths also divides my weaknesses. From this, I can understand in a more detailed path what makes me weak, so that I can become stronger. I cannot stay divided forever, though, and the pieces must be gathered for the puzzle to be completed. This is a puzzle, not a game.
Episode 94
Responsibility
How can I claim to help others with their problems when I fail to challenge my own. Again, I become a hypocrite, but that does not make me wrong, just ignorant. I lack the motivation and strong sense of responsibility. I suppose I am too lackadaisical with important matters, wishing only to prolong the inevitable so that I can help others. However, if I can’t help myself, how can I claim to help others? Humorously, I have many useless abilities, but they all mean something, oddly enough. Whenever the time comes for me to use them, I gladly will. My responsibility remains intact, but is yours?
Episode 95
Inflictions
People who inflict pain to escape other pain are hypocrites, but, I suppose they find a truth within their pain, as I have too. To escape one area of pain by causing pain in another area only causes more pain in the future- when it must be confronted. However, it is a time for understanding and thought, not for avoiding what ultimately must end. To be ignorant of the truth is to live a lie, and though there is wisdom in pain, there is no love. Honestly, I am content, but ready to fall again; for the moment, I have all joy needed.
Episode 96
Hardships
No, I don’t know the pain you’re going through, but we all have trials. Let me help you, because I’m here now, and will continue to be throughout the future. I didn’t put my heart out to be ignored or be popular. I’m here for you, not myself, or I simply wouldn’t waste my time for somebody who’s not willing to see the truth. Don’t say that your problems are the most important, because I cannot agree. Though one is all, the truth becomes a lie if abused- used for all the wrong reasons. Your troubles mean the most to me, but this cannot be applied to everybody. I’m here for you, not myself.
Episode 98
Mindlessness
What makes us different? Is it true that we can only think for ourselves? I can think only through my own mind, but I am able to see beyond this. There is no concrete separation of thoughts, as long as we can think. If you try to see beyond this illusion, you will see that we are not bound to a single consciousness. These are atoms, bound to a single current, but what makes this current unique to each soul? This is what helps me see through others, because I can make an estimate of what they are thinking. Also, I’m aware of the events that set their emotions into place. Nobody can hide how they feel from me.
Episode 99
For Love
Love is being complete with somebody and knowing that your faults mean nothing to them. Being able to care for somebody so much that you’d let them go if it meant their happiness would be fulfilled. The ability to talk about anything. Knowing what the other is thinking and being with each other even when you’re apart. Love is not having to change because the accept you as you do them. They are gorgeous, not hot or sexy. You don’t need them to anything more than just be with you. They don’t just mean the world, they are your world. You don’t need a partner or partners- you just need them.
Episode 100
Forever
These ordeals have been recorded in the hope that, if needed, others, including myself, will have something to look back to. This is so that the trials of the future will never be as much as an ordeal as they have been in the past. Hopefully this will be used for the benefits of others, though through my expense, I’m willing to have written it all down. If forgotten, this will have all been for nothing. Despite the pathway, we’ve traveled far. (Sincerely, this is overwhelming, is it not? [237])
Episode 101
Elegance
Brilliance is passion. My poetry is empty words, on a shallow sea, until I find her- the one for me. The reason they aren’t worthless is because, though my mind creates, my heart give it power. If my poetry makes your day, then my words shall blow you away. If words can make you cry, then mine will make you shatter; so step to the top, without fear, or your wisdom won’t even matter. There is more elegance in language than all of nature.
Episode 102
Fearful
I am afraid of not being able to use my gift, not of death. Rather, the absence of what makes me different from others, and separate from normal is the death of my soul. Whatever makes me distinguished from others is my passion, and it breaths the gift into the minds of others, without it, I become normal. Not being able to read the hearts of others puts a wall between my heart and mind. From this, my soul is torn into two, and has not the balance to see others as they would like to be seen, instead, the world’s view. Being different is way better than being normal.
Episode 103
Useless
They say the most useless of talents are often the greatest. However, often I wonder, whenever one says “they say” I’ll say “who’s they?” To be honest, the forms of society have twisted the stereotypes into the way that it would like to be controlled. If it is not good enough to survive scrutiny, it does not belong. This does not mean that its destiny has been forfeited. Ignorance feigns foolishness, as does arrogance.
Episode 104
Passion
This is a never ending journey, but where does it begin? Surely the world knows, or, as I believe, pretends to. Only we know who are inside, but, then again, this gift has been given to me to read the hearts of others. However, I will not read the hearts of my friends, because I trust them enough to realize that if they do not wish to tell me how they feel, maybe it’s for the best. I give them their freedom because they deserve it, but isn’t that hypocritical? No; others must allow me to see them for who they are.
Episode 105
Ace of Hearts
I’m the kind of guy who is able to move through anything life throws at me. It isn’t so simple as others wish to paint this picture. Though I’m shameless, it isn’t myself I wish to protect, but instead others, who matter more to me than myself. Is this me being selfless or selfish, wanting to be cared about in return? I read hearts, neither minds nor intentions, just strict emotions. This is so often confused with PSI and ESP. Somebody in the world has to see through what Nature has blended into the souls of man- and the gift has been granted to me. I cannot fall victim to Fate.
Episode 107
Truthful
The truth is always out there, but it is up to people to see it. If they do not wish to see it, they will be blind to all but lies. Whatever we believe in exists, rather it be true or not. There is truth in everybody, but only a few people can see it. In this belief, everybody is misunderstood by almost all. It is then up to everybody else to see the truth, or others will live life as a lie. Who has the courage to take up the burdens of others, selflessly?
Episode 108
Shadow
I sense dark times ahead for several friends. They know I’ll always be here for them, but I’d rather not, for that would mean they’ve fallen. I only wish for the best for those I love, even if it results in my pain. I’m not interested in living the lives of others. Hopefully, I will be able to lift them up from the abyss, as they have done for me time and time again. Though the hearts of others may go, I can never control what lies in their soul.
Episode 109
Eyes of Souls
The eyes are the windows to the soul. Through them I am able to read the hearts of others as well as share my true nature, all I need is direct eye contact with any person. I can see what they’ve through, and how they feel at the present. I am able to direct my pain into their hearts, not to inflict pain but to see their response. Only then will I know what truly lies in their hearts, and within mine. This is how I erase both my pain and the misery of others who have made life around me possible. This is not a limited gift.
Episode 110
Yesterday
Everything that happens today is because of the works of yesterday. Wisdom changes, and though we are correct today, we may be wrong or wronged tomorrow. The variables can be changed only now, and it is not possible to change the past. For Destiny has already placed the reigns of history to Fate. We can only try to change what may happen, but we can never change what must happen. Maybe it’s possible to abolish never. This would ultimately lead to the destruction of Destiny, and Fate would rule over the future. I’m not totally correct today, nor am I wrong, at least, I’d hope not. However, nothing is for sure until the future is present. I’m aware I don’t know everything, but I hope to.
Episode 111
Exceptions
There are those immune to my gift- family and friends. It’s not that they cannot negate my power, but rather, I am not able to see their hearts. Destiny cannot be defeated, and so, I cannot see through those it has protected. Familiarity breeds contempt. There are always fakes and frauds. I only hope I will not become one of them. The more I believe that everything is the truth, the more of a lie I become. The valley is full of exceptions.
Episode 112
Freelance
I have been called a master of words and genius to language. Though I can create more elegance with a single poem than Destiny can through an entire lifetime, it is fruitless unless others seek out my truth. My words are to be read, but nobody should live them. This is my way, and though none else must follow it, they are able to.
Episode 113
Difference
I’d rather be against the world than a part of it, perhaps this is why I wish to be different. Maybe my gift isn’t so limited as I believe it is, or maybe it’s a false belief entirely. Either way, I’m beginning to think that it’s not that I can read the hearts of others, but others can read my heart. I cannot help but wish never to be normal. I love being psychic at times, and though that is not the gift, there is none else it can be called. It is a special gift.
Episode 117
Decisiveness I
Here’s the story you’ll never find in a book; it’s in your heart, now you must take a look. Why should we wait for the time to come, when the twilight sets the burning sun? Can you see me? I see through you. Can you see me, though I can’t see you? Who in the Hell has made the first move; what can we all do right now, right now? Waiting is the game, though we shall never fade, time makes a stand now. Where shall we go when everything else falls right into the ruined ground? Where has time gone, and what of your newfound soul? What shall we do right now? Can you not see me for who I am, though I have you in my heart, beating so fast. Hearts and minds, go through time, forever- never changing.
Episode 118
Decisiveness II
What is this ordeal we are living through? Where in Creation have our dreams all gone to- never, ever told? We are together and though time stops, we will never fall down, falling down now. True love, never backing down; through our hearts we see the untold truth. Decisively, we continue through destiny despite the roads we have chosen. We cannot fall down, and we will never back down, not again, oh, not again. Hearts and minds, go through time, forever- never changing.
Episode 119
Decisiveness III
Our hearts have fallen straight to the ground; finally, we cannot continue now. Who’s the master and who had given power to the almighty destroyer of all? Oh, I come as the new champion of hope, to show you a new path. We cannot move through life as an eternal lie to those we cherish the most. Hearts and minds, tell through time, to always act decisive.
Episode 120
Journey
I’ve been wasting time on time, and on you. Though I do not know what your future is, we are all able to read the past. You can try to hide your feelings, but then you are a lie. This is an ordeal for all to clear. Tonight’s a night for living, not thinking of destruction. Where there is turmoil, however, there is also a chance for creation. I am not afraid, nor ashamed, nor proud of my faults. We are all at fault, but it is up to me to see this through.
Episode 121
Following
It’s what makes me different from all else. You’ve seen my soul, and that day is in my mind, though there is no other of my kind. I shouldn’t ask why not to forgive you, it is what makes me different from the crowd. I forgave you before it occurred. Nothing can change my way, it is the only thing I can forever say. Though destroyed my heart was, it’s not from impatience that I move on. From grace and elegance comes harmony. My life has shown you the way, yet it happens every day. I only ask for your forgiveness. Don’t follow the ways of others. You must be willing to follow your own advice, or it is a lie. You can only follow your path of destiny.
Episode 122
Heroism
Everybody has a sense of a hero within themselves. However, don’t paint me as a hero, for am anything but. The real heroes of the world do not have to boast how they have become such icons. True heroes never have to claim their greatness, for others can see in their hearts, as sure as I can see through strangers. We are all destined for heroism.
Episode 123
Failure
All fail at one time or another, and it is only up to us to set things right. We gain more wisdom through failure than we grow when we are right. Whenever we are incorrect, and we see our mistakes, we grow more than we could hope. Others see this, and they too are able to become stronger through our troubles. A single trial is the same as a million.
Episode 124
Separation
Though I have been blocked off from what I care about most, I have not yet lost. Though being wrong is what I wish, always do I win. This is because I am able to change what does and does not matter to me. Envious, fools ready themselves to be destroyed by my power of creation. Come, see your failure, so that it may be abolished as you would too. Time must go onward, whether or not I’m patient. Through this, I will become stronger. Missing you very much right now.
Episode 125
Beloved
Though there is a disconnection of our hearts at the moment, something remains. Distance only adds to the already strong friendship, and time will either add or subtract from it; I worry for the latter. I am able to only go a short while without those I care about the most for. Is it possible then, to say that I am alone? It must be. This is not solitude, it is the state of loneliness. The gift remains but a hollow shell without compassion.
Episode 126
Falsehood
We can never truly know the nature of a person by what we are told. Instead, we must try to understand how they feel and where they are coming from. By doing this, we not only help others, but we grow inside- we mature. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. There are times when advice from others should be taken, though not always at its fullest extent. Wherever there is place for hypocrisy, we should seek out the truth and the lies.
Episode 127
Revenge
The feeling of anger would have taken over, if it weren’t for others, whom I was disconnected from. They saw the light that was created during the counter, and tried to remind me of it. However, ignorant, I painted a picture of sadness. Earlier, I sought to destroy everything that had been against me. This would have made me even more ignorant of my faults and arrogant in my gifts. I needed patience. No more would I allow Fate to control my thoughts and feelings. I made my move, on my own accord.
Episode 128
Inferno
Blazing passion paves the road to a better destiny. Though we cannot manipulate Destiny, we can mold it to our choosing by changing our fates. Only with passion can we become brilliant in both heart and mind. Arrowed hearts catch fire now. Where does such passion originate from and how can we attain it? This isn’t from strict motivation, just love. Somebody once said, the answer is in the wind.
Episode 129
Language
Words are far more wise than our actions. However, without them, we cannot move ahead, and solely with them, we will be destroyed. The world cannot be ruled over by words alone, nor actions in secret, but by both equal and in balance. Words create actions, either in physical or mental form. We may say what we believe, but if we do not see its truth, than we are living a lie. Show your strength, faith, words, and actions- all together. It’s not hard to find friends here, it’s difficult to find true friend anywhere in the world.
Episode 130
Remnants
They said that they would never fall in love again. This was a surefire lie, to be sure, but were they really so heartbroken to have given up? Such ignorance feigns foolishness. Whatever caused them to think as such should be abolished immediately. They cannot say that would not fall in love when they were never in love in the first place. To have given up shows that they were not loved in return anyway. But to see ahead for a few inches is just plain ignorant- they have no idea what the future holds. They believed that their life was over and that nothing would ever go right again. They never spoke of their ordeal, just that they had failed. Well, in the speech of failure, you create your own. Whatever happened to speech of power and grace? Elegance died when both their hearts and minds were twisted with ignorance and blindness. Ignorance is bliss, only because it is easier to live in an illusion, be it good or bad, when it means that no work has to be done. Everything has shown them a loss or lack of love, when just the opposite is true.
Episode 131
Embrace
Understand why I am standing here. I’m not alone, just waiting, for the time when you’ll see why I’ve been here. I’ll believe in you, whether or not you see me. They do not see what I see in you- compassion. We’re friends, and I won’t allow disillusionment to take a hold of the truth, and taint its meaning. Nobody else has to understand. Be it false or true, nothing can stop my caring for you. Whenever you need a hand, I’ll reach out. Tell me your story, as I have told mine, and I will listen. We all have different purposes, but not all have been lived as needed. With a smile and embrace, life has been sewn with grace. Do I love? Of course; I could not be called a friend if I did not.
Episode 132
Determination
Yeah, I’m back; what did you expect? I’m here to win completely, or lose with my honor still intact. I’m moving up, moving fast. Some say I’m the best there ever was, at least, when my resolve is driving me to finish. There’s no shame, for my gift was never born. There is a reason why I’m here, why this is my world, and it’s because I love you. Compromise will always exist, as long as I’m here to bind the pages together- a world constantly divided. This is why my life is an open book. So, bring all you can to bring me down, because as long as the voice inside of me drives me to continue the fight, I’ll never back away from the top. Come on, there’s no time left remaining- we’ve got to do this now or never. Take my hand and I’ll take you to the worlds you long to explore. Determined, I go on, seeking to end the resolve in my life.
Episode 133
Partners
Give me your trust. I’ve met people who were told their entire lives that they were worthless and hopeless. Even a lone girl, though popular, was deserted by her best friend, and believed that she was forever lost. There are people in the world who are given power by others, but that isn’t true power. Some people are born with greatness, others must build it up themselves. Honestly, it is the people who create their own strength who are the most amazing of all. My job isn’t to judge, and it never was, but I’ll hold on longer.
Episode 134
Perfection
Isn’t everything to be seen by the eyes of the beholder. If you see something as perfect, no fault can ever change your mind. Though, there will be bad, isn’t it time to look at the better part of nature- isn’t it time we do the forgiving? One person can look at a painting and see destruction while another may see perfection. None are able to say with certainty, however, it doesn’t really matter. All people are meant to believe in something, or they will live a lie. Here I come, to show the world the greatness of all.
Episode 135
Egotistical
Trust me, I am hated by many, and, though this matters deeply, I am also loved. However, if I allow my gift to take control of my heart and mind, I will believe myself to be the best, and I know I am not. I cannot allow myself to become arrogant, or my message becomes tainted. There will always be times when I am wrong, and I cannot always win, despite my deep willpower. Only time will tell if all can be confronted correctly.
Episode 136
Fighting
If you’re going to fight for something, you must make sure it’s for the right reasons, or Destiny will not allow it to be fulfilled. Surely, not much Fate takes over in such ordeals if a loss comes your way. However, if you back down because of this believe when you fall, then you too are ignorant of its meaning. We must all fall at one time or another, it’s just human nature. If we fight for the right causes, however, though we lose, in the end, we will always win. Don’t stop believing when everything’s a blur, or you will fall.
Episode 137
Apologies
I’ve been wrong many times in my life, and have also brought my pain into the lives of others- something I vowed never to do. Though there is truth in hypocrisy, I thought it to be the only thing to exist. There was also a lie in the truth, and it was therefore corrupted. Nothing more needs to be said, or it won’t matter anymore. Just know that I understand the mistakes I had made, and they were never true as long as I ignored the lies. Time and again I apologized for my inconvenience, and though I too need forgiving, I ignored this. I’m so sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to be forgiven as I was before.
Episode 138
Rosebud
Memories bound by time’s hand, a story not writ by allusion. As fire blazes to scorch the land, dreams face a certain execution. Judgment is passed by demand, and all shall see my great resolution. Truly, the greatest things in the world cannot be said in words. The things we love most cannot be so simplified. If what we cherish most can be described, then it is not really as important as we first deemed it to be. You talk with people, not to them as some would like you to believe. Wherever there are lies, there must be truth. Trust in my words, as you would trust the petals of a rose to blossom.
Episode 139
Regrets
Everybody in the world would wish to live without regrets, choosing to always overcome Fate in any situation. However, this cannot always be done, but we are able to become wiser from these ordeals. Long ago I lost a friend, and without reason, I embraced her, but before she left, I felt that I had broken her. I abused the gift, and left her shimmering. Every day after I fell more and more into agony- and it was not knowing of what I did was right or not that kept eating at me. Years came and passed, until the day she returned. Everything about me fell apart, but was also renewed. She understood, and became one of my greatest friends. Tell me, what is life without a little disappointment?
Episode 140
Passive
Oh, come and test me, for I am not ignorant. Try to get passed me and fool me, because you will lose every time. I’m not some cheap trick that can be played. Nobody who comes against me can do so foolishly. Nothing small can get passed me, but only those with strong determination can hope to overcome my burdens. Truly, more is said in one sentence than all the words in the world, and I have proven to use them with wisdom. Anybody who wishes to seek victory must first see that failure is always possible.
Episode 141
Control
Though I have the power to control both chaos and order, it is not my job to do so. However, I was gifted with the power of an ace, but it has been abused. The truth is that, although I need her, I am not needed by her. This mutuality between us has caused a flux in my wisdom. I know I have been wrong, and though I am loath to be right, it must happen once in a while, and now may be that time. You’re just like my judge, buried deep in the past. You’re pushing me away, and it’s hitting my soul. There is no side between us, and yet you’d paint a line across the land, and again you run away from me. There is no purpose to throw everything away. Every day I look at something and it reminds me.
Episode 142
Expectations
You may see the future, but you are arrogant to exist in it already. Are you fighting to prove them wrong or show that everything else is right? Nothing you say matters anymore because you have corrupted your beliefs. Though there is truth in your words, it is why you said them that turned them into lies. Times will always change, and so will people. This is why you cannot hold onto vengeance, because when the time comes, everything else will change and it will be you left in the darkness. Never give up on your promises.
Episode 143
Honesty
I wasn’t completely honest back then, ya know. There were things that I was ashamed of, though I told myself that I had nothing to lose. However, you deserve to know them, because of who you are, not what you are. It has become one of my greatest regrets, that you’d be lied to by me- the one who claimed to always know what was best. Please don’t ask me why I did it, for it was to become normal. I’m a hypocrite, but I wish to set everything straight. You have to tell the truth, despite what the outcome may be, you cannot lie for benefit. If you’d allow it, I will not leave again. I’m so sorry for everything.
Episode 144
Infatuation
Most people confuse passion with infatuation. Indeed, this makes matters much more difficult when trying to move through time. However, it is not as easy to abolish as one might think. True, I was infatuated not long ago with somebody who I believed to be a friend, but has shown me otherwise. I’m not sure what she wants, though I actually do. This hypocrisy is more true than any other. The more we tell ourselves we like something, the more we believe it, whether it be true or not. The same goes with lies that we constantly tell ourselves, and perhaps others as well. The more we say, the more we think.
Episode 145
Poetics
My world has been made into a novel, and I read you like a book. Might I say, this story is amazing and the cover is simple beautiful. There is no passion in old lines used simply to attain attraction. I prefer my own words because they flow from my heart. These words aren’t nearly as empty as they appear to be, because the hold much more purpose than to grab attention. It’s up to the one the words are intended for to understand their reasoning. I do not hide behind my words, thought it’d be easier to have a reason for failure.
Episode 146
Remainder
Time passed by, I once asked a friend if what I questioned could be answer. He only replied that the answer is in the wind. I’m not sure yet, but I believe it to mean that we often try to ask questions whose answers we cannot completely grasp, but often is right in front of us. We are surrounded by the truth, but we choose to place a focus on such a small area, that we lose the entire idea. The answer may be in the wind, but not yet found.
Episode 147
Incredulous
Yes, I know this pain that you speak of; you feel like you’re going to fade away. Though it’d be for the better for one of us to explain, we’d rather live in the illusion. We cannot go on each day believing that nobody understands what we are going through. Everything becomes a lie in this mindset. Then when the truth is made manifest, we claim it to be false, though it truly is the gift of one calling. Reach out to what you know to be true.
Episode 148
Greatest
I’m aware that, though wise, I am not the best of all. I wish to know then who claims such a title. Surely, there is none in the world who can. Even still, there are those who have more wisdom than myself. This is true, but what about people who are my age. The one who is greater than me- I wish to meet them. I need to know what I am missing, otherwise my purpose is none. Even with my gift, if I am unsure of my destiny, Fate will control.
Episode 149
Mistakes
The pain I felt earlier- it was not worth the sound of all screaming in unison. There was no reason for the burden to be made heavier, for she wasn’t worth it. However, she is indeed worth it, and the hypocrisy continues. She is worth everything, but so is everybody else around me. There was nothing special about her, except that she was special to me. Infatuation took control of me, and made me believe the lies I had writ. Time controls everything, so we cannot control time. The truth comes reeling in, and I’m prepared.
Episode 150
Creation
Tell me of the pain that you feel, because I’ve felt it as well. However, we may fade with it if it is not abolished. There is no reason why we shouldn’t explain how we feel. You can’t see past my faults to see your own faults. We’ve all made mistakes, but it takes courage and understanding to see them through. I’m aware that I have been forgiven, but can you forgive me? What we’ve been trying to attain has turned into nothing more than lies that tear us down. You can’t see me, because you cannot love. There is no greater sin that failing to forgive, but also to claim that your forgiveness is best. Now you’ve been made to fail, because you find solace in my failure. See your own failure through first.
Episode 151
Weakness
Some would call me weak for holding back, but honestly, I am strong to hold back. Though it is easy to let go, it is much tougher to hold on. However, not in all matters is this true. Only with small matters is it true- with things that don’t depend on time. The more important an issue is, the easier it is to hold onto and the harder it is to admit defeat. This is where compromise comes in handy, but only if the opposing party is willing to listen. Honestly, the strongest of people are those who understand that tides will swing.
Episode 152
Mesmerizing
Not all the glitters is gold. However, we’d rather be correct than to be wronged, so we take the chances, and the consequences of our actions. Though difficult, if we fail to see them through, then our efforts were in vain. We must see things for what the truly are, like a book. Though the cover may be brilliant, if the pages are torn, than it is worthless. Though at one time, it may have been great, now the story has become corrupted.
Episode 153
Dependence
You cannot rely on others to accomplish your goals. This is not to say that you don’t need others, but you must live your own life. To find greatness, you have to look inside yourself, not to others, or you cannot grow. Tell me where you can find greatness, and you will only speak of your reflection. Like those before you, some are born great, while others must look towards themselves to find their power. Only those who are willing to become great, and overcome ordeals, will become heroes. This is your own resolve.
Episode 154
Otherwise
The conflict was in your hands, and I blamed myself for so long. This trouble was caused by your hands, not some greater power. The future was already known, and I just went along for the ride, aware of what was to come. I believed that everything was going to tear me down. There was something remaining, and only I could see it, though it was impossible to write about. We must move on, but unless you talk to me, we will never.
Episode 155
Impossible
Even with all the abilities of the world, there are some things I cannot do. However, it’s not like I don’t care nor understand, it’s just not my place. There are things that I am able to help with, but even then, I cannot live the lives of others. My burdens are not for others to hold, so I, myself, must remain steadfast and strong through any ordeal. Recall that the memories of others become a part of who me. Everybody makes up a part of who I am.
Episode 156
Carrying
Though hardships come beating us down, we must somehow carry on, even through loss. Sometimes words help while other times they only destroy. How can such a brilliant form of creation be used to build such agony? For my gift, I have paid a price. My burdens will never be made for others to help, at least, that’s what I thought at first. To think such a part makes me more important and egotistical than I really am. There are times when help is desperately needed, and I will not allow pain to take advantage of the gift. No matter what happens, there will always be a way out. You may not understand, but I will help.
Episode 157
Limitations
In my left hand I hold the power of creation, while in my right hand I hold destruction. Guess which I am prepared to use at the moment. Indeed, I promised you revenge, and with my eyes I have the power to take everything and everyone away. However, it is not something I can do so easily. This is not simply my way, my own path. I have to get a hold of my life. Though I want to fly high, if it means the pain of others, I will not go through with it. Why can't you be negative once in a while?
Episode 158
Dear Nikki
I'm sorry to have caused you so much pain, but now allow me to speak. Ever since I met you, I had liked you. However, I was too afraid to ask you out. Every time you spoke to me, my heart jumped. This is weird, I know, but I just have to let you know how I feel. I vowed that I would always understand my friends, and though this time is no different, now I feel as if I lost one of the greatest friends. And maybe we were never friends, but you have no idea how much I liked talking with you- just being random. Yet, when we dated, I lost a part of me, my fun side, and switched it with something I'm not. Honestly, not a single person I have ever known agreed to go out on a single date with me, and when you agreed, I felt amazing. Then I became more boring than a pig looking for acorn in the middle of winter, stuck on an elevator.. a burning elevator.. with a corpse. Yes, I'm aware you don't want to speak with me, it's uncomfortable, you don't need me in your life, and blah blah blah, but you see, there's something I must tell you. It's much harder to move on than most people want me to believe. I hope I'm not being selfish, but I'm really hurt. Everybody says that I'm better than you and all that random stuff that "friends" say to cheer us up, but I know they're wrong about you. Only I knew you, while they did not. I realize that I'm a very clingy friend, and only a few of my best friends understand me, even though I pour my heart out as I am now. I just think that sometimes I have to stop doing the forgiving and be forgiven, and honestly, by now, I forgot why I began writing this.. oh yeah! Nope.. I forgot... You see, I'm more than just empty words on a shallow sea- it's because you were with me. I was so scared that I'd lose you that I clung to you like Velcro on my dog, or even worse.. those spiny things in your back yard that seemingly come out of nowhere every summer that appear just to tick me off. Ironically, it was because of this that everything went to Hell. Not only did I lose a relationship, I lost something far more valuable- you. I've been told that I'm the most genuine guy in the world.. but who really cares if I'm acting like a fake? I'm not Robert the Boyfriend, I'm Robert Maloney, the Super Mega Awesome Soccer Playing English Major Maloney.. Badass.. and whatever more that describes me! In addition, it's really hard to go on a world cruise with somebody who currently isn't talking with me anymore (think back to the summer if you don't remember). What I'm trying to say is this; I've said everything that can be said now, and though I believe that what we care about most cannot be described in words, this is the best I could do. I miss myself, my real self, not a fake, but most important of all, you, because you're the only you ever. I didn't write this to annoy or get back together. I wrote it because you deserve to know how I feel, but finally, that I'm absolutely sorry for everything, and that you are more important than any words describe. I'm missing you very much, but how do you feel?
Episode 159
Annihilation
How many friends must I have until I find her? How many time must I fall before she can help me up? How many sleepless nights must I endure before I awaken? Some may think it’s a blessing to control emotions so gracefully, but the curse is holding them back. Unfortunately, with such ability comes pain. Being able to cause so much destruction just by looking into the eyes of another poses a threat to others. If I was able to know why only I must feel such agony, I might inflict it upon others. Though others want me to let go, something forces me to need everything. I’m wondering when you’ll be crying.
Episode 160
Recovery
I’m not sure how I should feel. There’s been the opportunity to just let everything go, but then I’d be more hurt than I am already. Perhaps this is meant, if only for the moment, to allow me time to regain lost strength. Hopefully there is no pain being inflicted at their expense. Whatever happens, I’m not alone. There’s the knowledge that, no matter what happens, there will always be others to fight for. Understanding may be the first step, but it is certainly not the most important or last. The writing of my emotions helps me solve many issues, but also it dulls my purpose. I’m not meant to be created multiple times. Everything that makes me who I am is caused from the actions and memories of others.
Episode 161
Reliability
So, this has appeared yet more, as does my failure. However, in this story, there are no two chapters alike. Such a bittersweet victory is a shame. I did come here to win one battle and lose all the others. There’s more to this chapter than one might think. These words, although hallow, have more depth than the worlds deepest trench. It is therefore up to the readers of such life to decide how it shall end. The pages are still blank and are prepared to be writ, but who is holding the pen now? If only such a person could exist. So, tell me, how does my story end, without the creation of the next chapter?
Episode 162
Reliance
This is how I truly feel. Betrayed and abandoned. Your memories burn my soul as no other ever has nor will. There is no point in continuing this conflict, if it weren’t for the motivation that has accompanied all this way through. However, it is this same drive that brings me to pain every time I think of you. Stay away from my memories, there is no place for you in my life. Why would you still inflict such agony on somebody who care so much- out of ignorance or arrogance? Either has played you as a fool and me as a pawn. This is not how it goes. This is not how this chapter shall end. For victory do I ride, and defeat is always an option, but from failure are we made. You choose to ignore this fact, and your ignorance feigns foolishness. I can read your heart, and write over its pages. However, your memories have become a part of my life, despite the misery they cause. Now I must become my own purpose, devoid of everything that you stole from me, as they have been replaced with what you created. Stay away from my memories forever.
Episode 163
Obvious
So, it has come to this- sheer determination. To destroy what you have wrought upon my gift, made into a joke. This is my story, and you shall not be in it anymore. If I am not able to be a part of yours, then may the memories of me burn your soul for eternity. There will no longer be any time for mercy, for you had given me none. Are you so blind to what appears before you- as I had the gift! Abused it was by your hands, stained forever.
Episode 164
Expanse
I’m aware that I must let this pain go, but it is not so easy as one might think. Truth be told, if I give up the pain, then I must also give up the better parts of the past. Such a bipolar matter, to be honest, but that’s just it. I both miss and hate you. It’s a complicated matter that you are not will to hear. You threw my memories out long ago, and I do not understand why, so I will not pretend to. However, this is not being able to decide which path to choose, I’m not even sure I’m on one now. This pain is because I’m being torn in two, by the two parts of my soul. The heart and the mind, again, in eternal conflict. Greatness lies with each path, but one will destroy in arrogance while the other creates in ignorance, so which should be chosen? I do not have all time to decide. Perhaps the hypocrisy should be chosen as it now, but it has brought nothing to my life. Be prepared.
Episode 165
Binding
That was the ending, and now I can move on. My feelings have been exposed, so nothing more is holding me back. Though that night will be stained in my memories forever, it’s because I care that I’m able to move on. If needed, my past can be used for the better part of my gift and of nature. However, part of my heart has been taken away with this entire ordeal, never to be returned. It’s not over yet, not for anyway, and though I cannot see the future as clearly as I’d like, something is able to be read here and now, so that they can be changed later when needed. I’m not meant to be boring, and if that is what I must be to survive that entire time of happiness, than truly we’re not meant to be. My true self lies within my hyperactivity, wisdom, and just being me. Never again will I be a fraud or fake.
Episode 166
Wishful
Time is almost up, and I’m still working. My feelings are what drive me to think- the reason why my life is an open book for all to read. Though there will be ordeals all along the road, I will not leave. As long as there’s something pushing me to do what’s needed, nothing can stop me. Time won’t wait and I’ve got so much to do. Show me who is able to tell me how I should live, and you will show me nobody. Everything is running out, and I’m still not looking inside myself for answers. There is nothing that can simply be wished for without work to be done. This is a law of Nature, built by The Judge. Wherever there is pain, there is hope, and above all else, sheer determination. If this is given up, then there never was a point. Try to see who I am, because I’m the only one. But it’s not something to be done my way, more hypocrisy, but without a truth behind it.
Episode 167
Brotherhood
People are too easy to give up a friend for their own benefit, despite the bond that the other may have built, alone. There is no trust within their hearts, and there never will be so as long as they give up. They’ve all put themselves into this situation. With their ignorance, they feigned friendship. Still, love is a one way street to them, and until this changes, they will never win. Tell me, because I must know, what are my faults now? Why would I trust though none would give it return- there’s an exception to every rule.
Episode 168
Reaching
You know that my life has never been perfect, and even at times I’ve been absolutely hated and despised by almost all. I’ve lied for my sole benefit, and like all lies, it backfired, and what friends I did have, were on the brink of destruction. However, there was always one person there that helped me to change, no matter what time it was in life. Sometimes it’s not others that need changing as much as we do- both our understand, emotions, and attitudes. I’ve felt pain before it was inflicted, and happiness has put me on a high for months at a time, despite being surrounded by sorrow. If we don’t look ahead, then the past has no mercy for us. We must look back so we can move forward at times. Just because I have an ability doesn’t mean I have to use it for solely my own benefit.
Episode 169
Promise
Though you’ve tried so hard to avert your gaze, I see through your heart. However, there is nothing I can see without your acceptance. What would it take to bring your happiness? Could there be something in the horizon to bring joy? How about you smile for a start. Nobody knows how easy it is to get lost in the sea of words, how to know what to say. Whatever happened in the past, I’m ready to avert into the future, but when you turn away from me, you won’t allow me to help. Tell me what is able to bring you comfort when you’re all alone on those cold, winter nights. Why are you so obsessed over appearances? Just open your heart. I know the burden you bear, but I’ve got the strength to accept you, so why not try to trust me. I know the pain you feel, but just believe in me.
Episode 170
Possibility
As my heart burns, I wish to run away from its pain. To escape to somewhere better, but as long as my purpose remains here, it’s not something I can do so easily. Wake up from your illusion for a moment and see who I truly am. My words are just cold words on a torn page from history. My journey may be mine to travel alone, but my companions will be with me until the end of time. The fakers will fall as the path moves on as well. They’re just fools playing with their own stories, bound to fail. As long as I see you in the horizon, I must keep moving as well. With a heart full of love, and a mind of wisdom, there’s nothing that can make me stray from my life. Happiness is always an option, okay.
Episode 171
Audition
I’m aware of the burden you bear, and you feel like you’re going to be crushed. Though it’d be better if we should both explain our pains, we would rather pretend they do not exist anymore. You cannot see past my own faults to see your own. You’re going to fall down again. We’ve all committed the same sins. We think so far that we no longer are able to see them through. I’ve forgiven already, but now I long to be forgiven myself. Look around you and you’ll see the misery you’ve brought upon me. Again, you’d rather concentrate on the pain I’ve caused you than to look at the agony you’ve inflicted. Whatever was for your benefit, I gladly did, and now you won’t even look at me.
Episode 172
Honoring
If all you see is that which is in front of you, then you truly are blind. Any fool can have courage, but it takes honor to protect what is right. There is always a choice to follow what you believe, but we don’t always go through with the correct. We must sometimes give up our dreams to do what is right, no for ourselves, but for others. Whether or not we have pride or courage, we must always retain our honor. Never again should we lose sight of this truth, for if we do, we will fall into the shadows. Please, stay out of my memories.
Episode 173
Welcoming
The destroyer waits for the right moment, while we run throughout creation. Too late to give up; too late to fall once more. Take a hold of your life! Make a stand! This struggle goes on, and on, and on! Can you see me? I see through you. (Cause I love you, because I want you.) Can you see me, though I can’t see you. (There’s no shame, feel the crush, feel my pain.) Jump into the waves of your heart; feel the tides of a lost hope. This world is ready to be written; your heart is has been read. So here we go again- here I’ll try again!
Episode 174
Boundary
The pain I felt, inflicted long ago, is still lingering. My wounds are, at last, beginning to heal from the hands that made them. Maybe it’s time I move on to the horizon, because there’s nothing there for me any longer. Now I can move forward with the strength others have lent to me. Why did I rely so much on others, for forgiveness? Perhaps the answer is still in the wind, waiting to be found by the one who understands. Though there’s nothing holding me back, nor from ignorance, you are forgiven. Maybe I should believe in myself.
Episode 175
Remember
You must have unwavering honor and sheer determination if you want to see your dream through. However, at times, we must give up what we want for the benefit of others. Whenever I claim to have my wisdom in full, it means that I could only wish to know. Such words have much meaning, but only if you’re willing to hear them, as they were once called. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have goals, but what you want is not always good for others, let alone yourself. He who lives solely on hope, dies of starvation.
Episode 176
Explanation
When I feel the future coming, I try to bring it closer. Now I understand why you’re indecisive, but I’d rather have a peace of mind. As long as people choose to not compromise, we’re always going to come out on top. So now, take a look around and tell me if the future is still bleak. Can’t you see the day when everything you have done so far won’t matter. Now everybody has something to say, but it doesn’t really matter to me. Wherever there’s something to save and build- that’s where I’ll be.
Episode 177
Rendering
Everything must keep going strong, and I cannot rest yet, but neither will I cry. Once I rose above the sound of ignorance, just to see what was to come, I was at the top of the world, but I was too high. Though everything told me that I was wrong, I still longed to be correct. Acting as if I have blazing passion, my foolishness is a show. When I claim to know what’s to come, it really means that I don’t want to understand. My heart is tossed about as if it were a toy, but I know it will survive the pain that was inflicted. Carry on, nothing can bring me down, now I will not fall. There is nothing left to be ashamed of.
Episode 178
Changing
Change. I’d like to make myself believe that time moves slowly, and maybe I’m different. If something changes me, than what has made me unique this entire length was a lie. People don’t go to a swamp and bottle tainted water. In the same way, you don’t bottle bad feelings- only the good, though at the time they are useless. It will be used later, whenever it is needed. Only the blind take that which is known to be dirty. What they take up will never be used for common good. Whatever is here now cannot be tomorrow.
Episode 179
Momentarily
Whenever I close my eyes, if only for a while, and I lose so much. Everything I wish for will come to an end someday. No matter what, everything will come to an end. There is nothing that will not crumble to the rotting ground. Nothing lasts forever, but whatever remains today means something to us, so we shouldn’t give it up. Only hold on to what can create tomorrow, or it will have already faded yesterday. We’re free to fly whenever we want, but if we try to early, we’ll fall to the ground, but if we act to late, we’ll not make it to our destination. Don’t give up, but don’t live life in complete ignorance.
Episode 180
Flowing
Life may give you everything you want; adventure, fortune, and power. Then, you may wonder how you’ve attained such perfection. It won’t last forever, and it’ll leave when you’ve failed your purpose. Nothing is ever as it seems, but that doesn’t mean something isn’t there, you just have to look for it. It may be the same as it ever was, but changing. Remove what’s there already, and you’ll have nothing more to fight for- no base to build.
Episode 181
Awareness
Though I know the truth, I’d rather live a life of ignorance and hope. Knowing is more of a burden than not being able to understand. However, I must have nothing but determination so that I may be able to pull through this trial. Surely that isn’t over simplifying this ordeal. I’m not going to let go now. Nothing is pulling me away except for myself. I’m my own trouble. Some say that I’m too hard on myself, but somebody needs to keep my emotions in check, so that I don’t lose my gift. I’m not leaving yet.
Episode 182
Secondary
“Dear comrades, as you know, your time has dwindling, your mother country has gone insane, and all hope seems to be lost. But the clouds are clearing up, and we’ve come prepared to fight for what is right, to show the world a new path. (You’re just like your father, lost long ago. ‘You’re forcing me to do what I’m not meant to.’ Who’s side are on? ‘What side is this anyway?’ Put down your power, and think for a moment. You come beating at my door, whipping my mind into a storm, shaking me down in my heart. ‘But you run away from me, and you left me shimmering, like you knew it all along.’)
Episode 183
Easiness
Apparently what Fate tells me to be true is just a figment of my imagination. Nobody can tell me if I’m right or wrong if I believe. Ignorance can be painted as anything, including false hope, which can be led to destruction. Time won’t wait, but not everything can be done by myself, alone. There must be work done on both sides if a new creation is to be. Nothing simple is seen in such a task, though it is not as complex as I once thought. Now, everything is able to be moved forward, as if the future is in this instant. I’m not saying that everything that has yet to be told is already a memory, but it’s not like I don’t know what is to come soon. Power in wisdom is only available in words if there is one who is willing to listen to them. Let there not be any empty words in this game made anew.
Episode 184
Temporal
You see that time has pressed our destiny away. Now, it is up to us to decide our future, and I feel as if this ordeal has finally come to an end. There will always be memories that burn my heart endlessly, but it is about time that I move on. Nothing is able to keep me bound to this foolish nature, especially when the light is brighter the further we move apart. I will not lie- you caused me great agony, intense pain, and yet, in all this misery, my happiness was as much a lie as my wisdom was. However, I do not wish failure to be upon you, because that’s not what I stand for. We all must always retain our honor.
Episode 185
Eyes of Peace
My heart remains a battleground. While neither side can gain the upper hand, they both destroy constantly, despite what they fight for. There is nothing to be won in such trifle conflict, unending. None can hear the call of the one begging for the new creation of love. As revenge attacks, there is nowhere to hide, but then compassion reveals its ignorance, and the cause is forever lost. It’s not untrue to say that for a time, I had wished that my emotions be abolished and simple logic to rule, but what fun would that be? There’s no fun in a life without a little disappointment. Nothing could be changed, because the only person who wished to fade was myself, because you never cared. My eyes are unseen.
Episode 186
Alchemy
Something must always be given up in order to gain something new- not so much a law of nature as it is a common law of emotion. In order to use a new sense, another must be lost, if only for a while, but it doesn’t make a difference if not honed. However, sometimes what we wish to gain isn’t always as good as we first believe it to be. Indeed, what appears to be greatness is a burden, and a burden is greatness. Though I thought my gift to be greatness, it has been a great burden as well, but from the trials I have found wisdom, and in turn, greatness. It’s all in perspective. I had believed the ordeal to be pain and no truth could remain, but it’s not at all the same. Where you follow, none shall lead.
Episode 187
Barriers
There’s always something that separates us from logic, be it emotions or indecision. Pulling through is what we must try for. Time won’t wait, and there will be a day when our feelings will be gone. Don’t give up, but don’t live solely on hope. Insanity is doing something that you should know the outcome to, but do anyway, blind to the facts. Something reminds us to move forward, despite obstacles. Water, moving constantly, doesn’t stop until it’s reached it’s final destination. We too must keep move forward, even when we can’t see ahead, the end will always be waiting for us. Though the truth has been expanded, we cannot claim to know the future, because though there is a distancing between us and what is to come, we don’t know it’s location. Silently, we move to the future, despite our ordeals. Keep moving forward, using all your power. Since when has genius, in its purest from, ever been practical, let alone understandable?
Episode 188
Temporal
There is no reason to share my creation with the world, simply to be ridiculed by those who I love the most. (I’m not here to lose again.) The pain has fallen into the abyss. (Impossible!) We have awakened for the end of our journey (My children, return.) Twilight’s grip loses it’s power as the raging sun fades. (Climb to the shining star.) Though hope seems to be lost forever, don‘t fall. (You’ve always known the truth.) Finally, you must see full darkness in order to cleanse the light. (Forever keep trust.)
Episode 189
Gateway
Often, the reason for our failure lies within our spirits. We cannot hope to maintain the future if we lack the courage in order to attain it. Though we must fall in order to get back onto solid ground, it’s always easier said than done. From failure am I made, and you? Nothing can ever remain the same if we ever hope to attain. There is a truth in most hypocrisy, however if we choose to ignore, our falling will not have anything to gain but a lost ignorance, which may be champion in the end. Poetry is subtle form of the truth. Wherever you hear the words, you will also hear the calling of the hero of capture.
Episode 190
Eyes of Promise
Be weary of this fake trust you have put into their heart. It is not something given solely on what you can see. Though outward appearances will always matter, what’s inside is simply a cliché. Nothing matters more on who a person is, not what they can show through words or actions based on a sight. Things change undeniably, but if we allow something t change us for the wrong reason, we will never grow. The future can be seen by all who choose to see the light at the end- the truth. Do not live a lie, and you will survive the day that sees your downfall. Do not hide, because that will never reward. There is a promise to see, that though I love, we’ll never be free.
Episode 191
Continuation
Where has time gone; we shall never no, even as space continues a voyage to the end. You’re end is in sight, and though you can escape, you chosen Fate to lead you unto your final demise- beyond destruction, awaiting judgment. Never shall one act solely on emotion, for that is not a single gift of life. Live and to be the opposite of evil. Normalcy is a disease of the human nature. The fires of the future give light to the present, for now. For judgment to be passed, I fully admit to my selfishness. There is nothing more I want than to see you in the pain you have caused me, but then I lose everything about me. Should I not care to see this through, though nothing else seems to be correct? Somehow, this should just be let go, and then the pain will resolve itself. There is not lie in something so simple, however, it’s not at as easy as one would think. Ordeal or not, there is nothing to gain from a simple pain. Lies must not be released into my spirit again.
Episode 192
Storyline
There’s a storybook ending to this ordeal- this I am sure of. However, the plot is thickening, the scenario becomes deeper, and the characters become more clearly. Against the future, to turn the pages without reading them, simply creates an illusion of the coming truth. Nothing is certain, anything is possible, and now there is naught needed. Whatever is needed will never be found, unless these pages are read fully.
Episode 193
Controlling
There are four known traits that one must have in order to fulfill destiny- sheer determination, unwavering honor, enduring wisdom, and a passionate commitment. Combined, these abilities cause us to perform from our best motivation. Skills make reliable- out most disciplined of solutions. Truly, without one, we cannot truly be complete, at least, not in the form of our fate. The past shows a form that we can never return to, not without becoming less than we already are. Everything points us into a single direction, even if they are not together. If area always dependable, we will not be able to grow to our height. Relationships are the most important of all, for everything.
Episode 194
Honesty
It is just laughable, how much my ignorance had feigned brilliance. There was never hope, and it was utterly predictable, yet I continued, blind to the future. Now, it matters not, what had happened in past nights, the pain is gone, and now the moment has returned. Nothing would have changed, and, even if it had, everything would have made for a greater ordeal. There was not anything to have held onto, since it was all a fruitless effort to have tried to change the unchangeable. The past has locked it’s secrets away from the future, and eternity. However, the thought of my past troubles is hilarious. Finally, there is a new, true, hero in this story, and she means everything to me.
Episode 195
Limitations
It’s easy to say that one would be better off emotionless, but then, there would noting to keep our sanity bound. Surely, there must be a way to attach our emotions to something that will last forever. Without this, everything will fade permanently. Nobody can know when Fate decides to do something horrible, however, we can all do something against the fantasies of the captivated. How far would I go for the love of my life? Beyond life. Show me the most brilliant man alive, and I will show you also the simplest.
Episode 196
Lasting
This story seems to be never ending, but in order to be writ, both covers must already be apparent. Surely, there can be no story without the last words available. Just as there is a front cover to all books, there too must be a back cover. They are attached from the beginning and forever. Nobody can skip to the last page without first opening the book, and the ending is only known to the Author. We are the ink on the pages, bound to an eternal tool- the quill. Eventually, the ink runs dry, and a new story will begin.
Episode 197
Pessimism
The road your travel is the path to true despair. To be said, though you live in constant agony, the happiness that becomes so much greater will only last for a moment. Joy is not an emotion, but instead a state of mind lasting throughout life. It cannot be felt, only expressed through ordeals and scenarios. If anything, pessimism is an extreme form of optimism, for surely nobody wishes to inflict harm without a reason of goodness inside. However, it is easily corruptible, and the fantasy lies dead as a dream, and as empty hope. By not believing in oneself, you ultimately leave the future blank. Bravery is necessity when the past rules over our hearts. Understanding is the only key to eternal wisdom. Aware, I continue, undeterred from the original journey, continuing in my agony forever. Everybody knows what everybody else should yet will never know. By pretending not to be ignorant, we become so much more ignorant. If we stop because we don’t believe in others and ourselves, nothing will ever be fulfilled. Continue through happiness and pain. Dream until your dream comes true, and if you must give it up, it was never worth it.
Episode 198
Order
There has always been chaos in the world, but does it truly rule over it? Without order, there is naught to compare the insanity to. Though it isn’t our fault, by not doing anything, you’re only adding the problem. If we truly are greater than all other, than maybe it’s time we begin to act like it, or we lessen our purposes. Whenever somebody believes that chivalry is dead, then they never had any hope to begin with. Though it’s dead in the hearts of man, it will never be dead in our mind, as long as we believe in the chaos that supposedly has ruled over our hearts since their creation. However, I’m afraid. Don’t pain the picture of order so serene, because if acted against, the battle will be won Nothing will be able to tear compromise down- if you‘re ready to defend with power. How far am I willing to go for the love of my life? Far beyond the limitations of life. Surely you wouldn’t be the love of my life; you are my life. However, I’m willing to give up my heart for your benefit, otherwise I’m not as different as I’d like to be in the soul. This dream you’re willing to protect with your life- are you willing to let it go for others?
Episode 199
Grasping
So, you tell me that you’re choking for cleaner air. You say that there’s nothing left to do besides give up. Well then, my reply, are you willing to throw your dream out when there’s nothing to be gained from it. However, if you see something on the horizon within your changing, you should have done it before; but don’t tell me that you’re weak because nobody else wants you to be strong, when all we ask of you is to be yourself. This story doesn’t require you to be a tool and write yourself off already- your journey is still alive. Who ever gave you the authority to change what makes others different? Are you already great enough to ignore the ordeals given to you by Destiny, not Fate. Get over your pain. Yeah, I know what agony feels like, and so does everybody else, so why not trust in me?
Episode 200
Fascination
You’d rather look to others for answers than inside yourself. Though we will always need others, we cannot depend on them to live our own lives. No matter what happens, two pens can never share the same ink in this story. So what if things don’t go the way we want them to, the pages aren’t torn in half when the words continue to be written. Whatever you think, why in the world would you choose to write yourself off, alone? Then, if you believe you are weak, then you are weak, but if you say you are weak, then you truly are stronger than whatever obstacles come into your path. You don’t need to be equal to anybody else, since it’s not possible, no matter what you do or what they do. You’re looked down on because you haven’t proven yourself yet, because we all must. Just as they are no better than you, it’s not possible to be better than them, so don’t lie to yourself and those you are trying to protect. You’re still obsessed over appearances, and yet you claim to trust me, while I trust you completely, beyond anything that can stop us. Broken are these chains that bind us together, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t together.
Episode 201
Empowered
Whenever you believe that you’re being pulled away, try harder to stay yourself. Nothing is able to tear you down, as long as you believe. Don’t try; either do, or forget about it all. If you try your best, you shall always succeed, even if the end result isn’t what you want. Yeah, the words hurt- they’re like knives piercing the heart, but everything will be okay. I’ll hold your hand whenever you feel like you’re going to fall, because you’re everything. They’re all the same at the moment, and you’re better without them anyway. Being told that you deserve better may not help, but you know inside that it’s true, so keep moving. Everything takes time, and even when time seems to slipping away, there’s always others. Don’t be sorry, for it isn’t your fault; tell me, with all your memories fading, what does your conscience say, that is, if it still exists? Do not stray from your path, or you’ll fall.
Episode 202
Emptiness
You believe that you can judge in reverse without being judged in the future. This ignorance to what has yet to come is simply foolish, and you’ll see none of it, so as long as you treat others as they have treated you. Sometimes we need to change rather than try to change others, despite what they may think at the moment. The only thing you should not be ignorant of is your own arrogance to the future. Again, nothing will ever be as it seems in the moment, because there will always have been a past, even if it is pressed into the present, the future will always remain. Yet, you believe that they are not deserving of a future; tell me, where did your mastery of time come from? This manifest of greatness is only an illusion, just as your ignorance feigns brilliances. You’ll understand eventually. Just remind me not to be arrogant, take anything too seriously, or forget this moment. Here, in the last moments, everything points me to you, by my side. So I came to you, without anything to hide; believe what I say. Words cannot describe this feeling for you.
Episode 203
Koizumi
Hey, are you still useless now? It was never explained how much of a burden you held, but you were able to carry on, despite the obstacles. You were never loved by those you thought you cherished most, however, it was an empty feeling, created by your own mind. Everything seemed to be false, in the moment, but you were still able to pull through. You always were trying to prove something to others, but never to yourself. The enemy of the world was your brother, yet you never gave up on his light, even surrounded by evil. Your comrades were never the same, but your mind believed them to be, causing you not to look at others as a source of strength. You always listened to crying hearts of others.
Episode 204
Blindside
The ordeals of the past seem so trivial now, as if they had no impact whatsoever. Now, my heart tells me to dwell on my past mistakes, so that I can live wiser, but I now know that, in this case, my mind is right. I shouldn’t allow what has already happened to dominate my future, because it is a fruitless journey backwards. If I move forward facing backwards, I become blind to what is to come. There is pain in the past, I am sure, but now I cannot feel it, because it means nothing to me anymore. Finally, I am free at last. The trials were horrible at the time, but now it is just an embarrassment to my wisdom. Normalcy is horrendously blind, except for what has been given to them by the insane. Why not lie to myself, when I am aware of the false, I can understand much more then.
Episode 205
Dear Alanna
You’re my friend, so do you really think that I won’t stand by your side? Yeah, you’ll be in pain, and most definitely will you feel like falling apart, but I won’t let you allow weakness to take a hold of your life. I’m not interested in what you believe, if it isn’t the truth. Right now you are infatuated, so even if you’re told what is right, you won’t believe it. I’m not saying your pain is trivial, because I’ve been there, but I made it through, with your help, and now you won’t allow me to help you. Give up your pride as being unique, because your ignorance only feigns brilliance. They are all the same, and you will still claim their difference, because what you believed to be love was only manipulation. We’re still a team, despite what conflicts may appear, I’m not giving up on you again. However, you should know, you put yourself into this situation, and you have nobody to blame but yourself; but I say it coming, and I did nothing to stop it, so I, too, have failed. Eventually, we reap what we sow, for a sapling cannot be ripped from the ground swiftly. You are all ignorant of the future and present, because you have learned nothing, for now. Without wisdom, you will fall victim to complete chaos without remnants of any order. Will you keep stumbling until you cry, or will you look up at the compassion granted? True despair comes from the mind, whenever our hearts turn to be eternally blind. However, if sin were not beautiful, then we would never be tempted, and thus, in this light, we could never grow from our true nature of blissful despair. Pain brings us sorrow, but in the future, it will always benefit something we are willing to fight for. Shall we be ignorant of our failure or become great; it is not so easy a question, if you don’t know. You’d rather believe we do not get what we give, but what you see is what you get- an anomaly. What you see right now, is that simple- it’s not the endgame yet, so judgment cannot be passed down, at the moment. In the end, everything equals out, for nature. Understand, that just as there is the bad rich, there is also the bad poor- out for only their own, personal interest. Nothing can be so trivial as to see what is here and now, forever. This ordeal- it won’t be okay, but, at the same time, it will be, you just have to trust me. In the twilight of despair, do you see what you dream? At one time, you made a promise to keep your light, no matter what ill happening would fall. You remain a traitor to fate. You feel a constant pain for what you thought would continue, and now you fell victim to a lie created by one who had never cared and did not ever choose to. Certainly, it tears you apart- how you were betrayed by your own heart, but truly it was of your mind. Infatuation ruled over, and you were blind to it, because you switched heart for the mind. Only you know what of the future, because nobody can ever hope to change past hearts. Are you still blind or do you see something new this time around?
Episode 206
Together
This is no longer an ordeal, because you have entered life. I had thought that my pain was a curse, but now it’s a blessing. If I would not have felt such agony, then we would not be together right now, so thank God for my trials. No longer to I wish to change something that has no impact on my life anymore. I’m here for you, just as you are here for me now. We’ve both thought about the same aspects and we believe it together, though I have said anything as of yet. This is no jinx situation- because I really do believe you are the one. Never will I let you down, and I know that you’ll never let me down, so thank you. Finally, I’m willing to risk everything- I’m not willing to lose something for nothing. Now I’m living for something, which is why my priorities have gotten together again. This is something I’m willing to fight to the end for, because this is not mine, it’s ours. I’ve fallen in love with you. Does it look like I’m together when you’re not around? Nobody can know of the future until it is here for now, but that doesn’t mean anything. Separation- this is not my vow- there is no misery surrounded by my pain any longer.
Episode 207
Delusion
Gotta keep moving- yes, you have to keep moving now, and don’t fall down again. Allow yourself to be disillusioned from the lie that you had lived so long to be the truth. Optimism is captive to the art of the soul. Pessimism contains truth, but it lived without it’s equal, there will be nothing to remain. So, even though there will be pain, live for the happiness, not the disappointment, or your life will have meant naught. Nothing remains forever, however, if you live life thus so, your truth will mean nothing to anybody, ever. Don’t lie to yourself to try to make it truth, for only the truth is understandable, no lies. Often we live to prove us right, never wrong, so that we may think ourselves more power. We only try to see us right, so we don’t have to give up what we believe- despite agony. Things that you can’t live for, you should not die from.
Episode 208
Ineptitude
Ignorance feigns the brilliance of those who do not understand how to handle such social situations which require them to change. No one cares about the faults that make them, because they aren’t willing to change, not for others, but for themselves. Their incompetence is their failure, brought on by their own foolishness, not by others. Indeed, you should always do your best, for your own greatness, but not just for your own difference, to show others who you are and what you’re there for. It does matter what they tell themselves when you’re away, if you’re not going to grow in the future, then nothing can change. Of course they’re all the same, but only because you’re so blind to what is around you. Don’t live the lie of being separated- you’re just being a blind fool, forever.
Episode 209
Eyes of Speed
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! No such thing as vapor goes through speed. I’m half out of time, and instead of just living in- so many things erased before they begin. Don’t stop dreaming of what could have been. Is it me, you say, you’re looking for; and to show you who I am and what I came for, came for. Hey- try to reach inside of me- try to take my energy! Let me show you just what I’m made of! Simple curiosity, trying to take a bite of me. Let me show you just what I’m made of now! Seven rings in hand, speak through nights with feet in sand. Seven rings in hand, wild, yet alls under command. Seven rings in hand, while it’s just one single hand. Seven rings in hand, arrowed hearts catch fire now. Like a million faces- I recognize them all- one by one they become a number as they fall. So, in the face of reason, I can’t take no more. One by one they become the black mark on the floor. It’s just rings, nothing at all, just rings. Cause now where everyone’s going’, I’m flying at top speed- going’ supersonic, fly away. Seven rings in hand, speak through nights with feet in sand. Seven rings in hand, wild, yet all’s under command. Seven rings in hand, while it’s just one single hand. Seven rings in hand, arrowed hearts catch fire now. Try to reach inside of me- try to take my energy! Let me show you just what I’m made of! Simple curiosity, trying to take a bite of me. Let me show you just what I’m made of now! Make the rings reborn. No one to believe. No one’s going to start. Make the rings reborn. Question all that’s gold. Legends are retold. You can’t take- look around and try, cause you can take another try! In my world, where life is strong. In my world, life’s an open book. In my world- compromise exists. In my world, the world’s every step meets the rest. In my world, where one is all. In my world, never fear the fall. In my world- where compromise exists. In my world, the world’s every step meets the rest. Try to reach inside of me- try to take my energy! Let me show you just what I’m made of! Simple curiosity, trying to take a bite of me. Let me show you just what I’m made of now! Seven rings in hand, speak through nights with feet in sand. Seven rings in hand, wild, yet all’s under command. Seven rings in hand, while it’s just one single hand. Seven rings in hand, arrowed hearts catch fire now. Make the rings reborn. Question all that’s gold. Try to reach inside of me- try to take my energy! Let me show you just what I’m made of! Make the rings reborn. Question all that’s gold. Legends are retold.”
Episode 210
Everlasting
Would you rather live in pain than die with freedom, which is happiness? I’d prefer to say things that flow from my heart, not from somebody else’s mind, if it ever meant something. Don’t think you’re in love; love is a feeling, not a thought. Honestly nobody can live on standing in the back, believing themselves to be greater, but without love. Surely it’s infatuation that make the foolish believe they’re more powerful than others. You’re going to miss out if you don’t make a move; instead of waiting for others to change, how about you change both your attitude and lifestyle. You must change for yourself, not for others, but so that others may see who you are, not what you stand for. Live so that others can change from you, but don’t think that you should never change. The horizon knows that you will crash if you always play the ace for your greatness. Continuing- no longer are they hollow words on a shallow see, because she is with me. My poetry is better spontaneous than thought out.
Episode 211
Eyes of Despair
Destroy and be destroyed, this is what was explained with your gift, which you were given, as you know, that day. That which felt like a dream, a lone dream, was a gift. However, now you long to feel nothing but despair, without any happiness or memory. You believe that you felt empty inside, and nothing would ever be felt once more. Continuously, you have been informed, but you still can’t see the truth in front of you. Don’t forget, your memories are what make you unique, different than all others alive. You will always see your emotional future, as well as the current emotions of others. Now, if you plan to be complete, you must still follow your original vow, created today. And, if the world seeks your destruction, you shall give them despair, but not revenge.
Episode 212
Sunset
The fight was coming to an end, with the shadow finally rendering itself known to all. Nothing could stop the light from attaining the lasting stature of victory- the battle fought. There was only a small step laying between the highest floor, and with that would come the final sacrifice of justice. Never could the fight have ended without their affection. With the peak of light coming down, they took their own lives so that you would survive. They both died in love, and were willing to let go of everything so that it would live. Water below swallowed the last remnants of the past, and now, time could move onward.
Episode 213
Eyes of Love
“I’ll never sing my songs, on this stage, all alone. I’ll never say my words, afraid of what is heard. I saw you smiling at me, I felt lost, in a fantasy. I’ll never be in that corner, of this tiny, little world. It was my last night here for you. Same old songs, just once more.” Just know that, no matter what happens between us, I’m always going to love you.
Episode 214
Lasting
Surrounded by despair, I’m unsure if my heart, which has been twisted into a battlefield, can continue the hopeless and abandoned road. There is nothing left to look for in a hero, hiding behind the curtain of our mindlessness. The show must go on, despite any agony caused by that which was lost eternally. Shot through the heart, there is pure emptiness. However, the journey and trial must go on, even through the shadow of lasting misery. The question to give up or endure is getting more tough by the step, until I finally fall. Even believing that I can fly is not able to change the past or future- it is for naught. Pressure is falling onto my burden, because with every passing moment, my heart grows heavier with each new memory of the future. It’s the terror of the wisdom from the world. Miracles are all by chance, not dependant on any outside force- which is from our power. I want to run at a supersonic speed away from this place, so don’t try to stop me now. Whatever happens, I’m leaving it to chance, because now I am heartless again.
Episode 215
Dear Maria
Understand this much, I want you to argue with me, because then I can trust in you and, perhaps, even in myself. Emptiness will always hold over my heart, so please know that whenever I push you away, I really want you closer. You know my love, for everybody. Even when the sun sets on my heart, my soul wanders, aimlessly, for acceptance. Whoever it finds, it clings to, but thankfully, you were found at the opportune moment. I’m in love with her, but she pushed me away when I failed to give her the space she deserved. All the time spent with her was a mistake, because now it doesn’t even matter. I’m just another failed relationship, lost into the sands of eternity, when I want to be so much more than this. Can’t you see my heart when it is given to you? I wish that somebody would care for me again, but nobody cares. I’m an emotionless wreck now, but, no matter what, I will fight for you, because I love you, and will always love you. Never again, no, I won’t allow myself to crash as I had once before- destroying progress. The shadows of my past will not take a hold of the future light- the last beacon of hope. Yeah, it does matter now what happens, and like you, the voices inside will drive me. Everything will become clear, as long as we continue our tough journey, without words. Believe in yourself, even when time and all else around you is completely lost to pain.
Episode 216
Inclination
It’s been a long time for us not to see one another. You shall witness even holier judgment than you had before. For, you see, even in misery, the show must continue. Watch me save the story this time! Now, you’re just like me, a pawn- so unneeded. Understand that your heart will always fall, because you will never find true love. Impossibilities surround me, as I have failed once more. You must try harder next time. However, no matter what good things occur, you will always find despair. Indeed, we are all loved universally, but it’s pointless. No more honor remains, so fight without emotion. This story has not been completed yet, so I still have work to do, and pages to write.
Episode 217
Captured
You decided to live your life alone, standing in the back without emotion. You’ve wasted your time thinking about the future while ignoring the past. Good things are never going to be the way you want. What you are told is only going to make everything much worse. Nothing is going to become quite what you expected, but it’s time you get started. Everything has been played correctly, you just need the correct motivation. You’re always going to give yourself to a lost cause. Stop trying to see who cares about you by pushing them away- you must make your own move or you shall miss out. The past is not something to hold onto, with such despair. The day will come when you have to answer with your own actions, not the words of others. Our hearts were lost, so why did we meet, even through all the pain. Why did we have to go our separate ways? Please see my heart, because you’re always going to have it. I’m always going to love, but it won’t be mutual.
Episode 218
Heartless I
You should ignore what is said, because they remain but hollowed words, on a shallow sea, because she is lost forever from me. No emotion remains, neither love nor despair. Though we have time, we cannot undo that which has already occurred. Yet, you still think of her, even just the thought brings you misery- you can feel despair. Not pain; do yourself a favor and don’t trust me, because I will only betray you. You can’t ignore your feelings forever, so don’t even try. I’m emotionless, separate from your heart, give it up. Then why would you continue to feel pain instead of remorse? It’s not despair.. it’s love. How did you lose her? She was lost, because I loved her; don’t you see it yet- stop this. What if I want to love you? Then your heart will be betrayed by your own hand, so don’t. Why do you even care? I’m emotionless, not... Heartless? I.. just… Do you love me? No.
Episode 219
Heartless II
So, you must like me. No. A little? Not a chance. Then why did you come here tonight? There’s no reason for why I should not have. Hmmm. Heh. What’s that look for? Nothing, you just remind me of an old friend. Who? It’s nobody. Her, right? Perhaps, but not even I can remember. Don’t lie to me; you still love her, don’t you? Maybe. Then why did you give her up if you still love her? You don’t understand- she gave me up, okay? You really don’t have any feelings. Why should I have emotions? Well, you can learn how to love again, you know? I don’t need to learn, not again. So you’re just going to not care about anything for the rest of your life? You still don’t get it. Yeah I do, you just… For a moment, I believed that you would understand. Understand what- don’t shake your head at me! I’m trying to help you here. I don’t need your help.
Episode 220
Heartless III
I think I understand now. I doubt that. You don’t need to learn how to love again, because you still know how to.. don’t you? It doesn’t concern you. Yeah it does! I just need to know why she gave you up. No you don’t, and even if you did, I couldn’t answer for you. Why not? Because I, myself, will never know. So you just let her go?! It would seem that way, now wouldn’t it? Why, I mean, if you truly loved her- I did, and that’s why I had to. So, you see, I don’t need your help with anything. I don’t believe that. Right… I read your story.. you’re not empty, are you? Stay away from my heart. You don’t want to be broken again; you’re afraid of having feelings, because then there’s always a chance for despair. Stop! Just let it go, I’ll never love again. You’re living a lie. What does it matter to you? I’m not who you think I am. Yeah you are, but you’re not what you want me to believe.
Episode 221
Heartless IV
Why can’t you kiss me? Because I don’t love you. Of course… And you don’t love me. How do you know? You don’t know who I am inside. You didn’t make yourself empty purposely. Somebody has to show you the way from loveless. But I don’t want you to. And I do want me to. You’re only going to break my heart. So you do have feelings? Leave my feelings out of this. If she still cared at all, she wouldn’t have left me alone. Have you ever even been kissed? Yes. By her. What did you- I told her I loved her before. She said that she could see herself being with me for the rest of her life; a complete lie. All I ever wanted was to be with her, which can never happen. She never loved you too? Never has, never will. I love you… What would she think of me now? She wants you happy. Yeah, too bad she’s the only person who can make me happy, who I loved completely. Prove it. She doesn’t want me; she cast me aside, and I let her go. She does love you… She wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Then nothing more remains.
Episode 222
Eyes of Pressure
She kissed me, told me that our lives could be together forever, and that there was hope. Soon after, she tore my heart from my chest, and took my love without return. Everything pointed her to me, but now she wants nothing to do with me. Understandable, she’s seeing somebody else now, as far as I know. There’s nothing left to be hopeful for; now she’s gone from me for the rest of my life. Why can’t give ourselves one more chance? It’s because I’m too clingy, and I pushed her away. Half of me is empty, while the other cherishes a false hope. She only wants to be friends, while I want to be so much more. Honestly, I see through her heart, and she sees no reason to continue with me. Now, I’m just another failed relationship to her, but it was all my fault. I’m so useless to everybody. My feelings are true, because I really love you. However, you ripped my heart right out. Don’t go, tell me now if you still care at all. If you love me at all, don’t go.
Episode 223
Redemption
I’m unsure if I should try again, because I recall the last time I had this feeling I failed, not only her, but myself. Perhaps it is only a natural fear, but used to reflect what feeling? Truly, if nothing remained, my mind would have been made up long ago, but my heart still feels something for you. These emotions are pointless, because they do not direct. I’m just wondering if you still care about me. At least, I’m glad you’re different than her. Isn’t time I started to forgive myself, and give myself one more chance, just to get along. I’m feeling my heart fall down, and I will always love you, dependant on my heart, that is always open for all, but since you entered I cannot give up so easily. Not with our last chance, there will be one my last dance. It’s not so much a question to why, but when. The last night here for you; maybe yes, maybe no. Just got to have sheer determination, and a little luck too. You just have to keep believing, or you will be changed forever. Maybe I don’t know what love is yet, but this is the closest feeling I’ve ever had for you. Because this is something that I must find out for myself, even if that means I must finally be dependant on my own emotions without logic to back it up, I will never give in again, as I have many times before. This is different because you are you, not somebody else, so now I won’t give up. I’m turning the world upside down for an answer to that of love.
Episode 224
Heartless V
There’s nobody here that I remember, except her, and she gave me hope for the first time, that perhaps.. maybe there’s a chance for love. I never thanked her for that, and now somebody else needs her. You say that you have no emotions, yet here you are crying, alone. Do you think she would want you to be feel this much pain? You’re a disgrace. Show me the honor that you ‘must retain.’ Why, when there’s no purpose to love now. Yeah there is, you’re just not looking in the right place. So what of the future? You can never change the past, no matter how much pain you endure. There is no hope for love. You don’t have to do this alone, it proves nothing. It’s a shame, that you’re only… Memories? No, not a memory, a dream. Only if you doubt your heart- so believe in today. But I’m afraid of losing her forever, to something I’ll never be able to control. The most gifted person alive; I can have anything I desire, except the woman I love. Yeah you can.
Episode 225
Heartless VI
You never told me.. what does love mean to you? It means nothing to me, not anymore. What you’re saying is that you’ve mistaken love for attraction? I thought I meant something to her, and all she wanted was to be friends. I’m leaving her forever because of what she wants. You’re leaving her because of what you want. No, this is for her own benefit, otherwise I’ll just cause more problems. If anything, she doesn’t want to feel guilty of telling me to go away, so I’ll just do it for her. Isn’t it time you did the forgiving- instead of always feeling bad about your life? What difference does it make? They don’t care about me, they just don’t want… Don’t want what? They don’t want me to be sad. You should really wake up from this dream, so you can see reality. It’s all a lie, forget it.
Episode 226
Foresight
I can feel life, moving through my mind; I don’t want anymore. I can feel time, slipping down my spine, though I try and try to ignore. It’s impossible to face my fears and sorrow, because I can’t help but follow what led me here. There will be no more joy from her anymore. I can see life, tangle me up inside, and I fall down to the floor. I can’t break my sorrow, and I feel betrayed, but I keep following what brought me here. The truth of the past is a lie today, and remains for pain tomorrow. The tension has broken my heart. Then, I must move away now, because the despair is too much, and I still feel in love. There will never be more happiness in what no longer remains to be seen.
Episode 227
Denial
Face the past, unresolved from a promise you must always keep. It’s so easy to correct others when your time of peril has not yet arisen. There’s so many thing that had been wiped out, before they even had a chance to begin. You must let go of the past, so you can finally move to the future. At least now you have a reason to continue forward. Eventually you’ll find love, even if it’s not where you want it to be at the moment. Chances will always be lost when they are all we are dependant on, but now there’s no hope left, because it was torn along with my heart. This is why I must move on alone, without either of them, because, as I said in the beginning, they shouldn’t have liked me. Somebody once told me the answer is in the wind, and now the question is lost forever. You know I watched you go from left to right, as time died in the night, and now you’re gone. Take your steps away from me, because I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s not possible to change without sheer determination, unwavering honor, and a little bit of luck. Nobody is willing to be disillusioned when love seems to be fading away, but I must. Once again, have I failed, and now they are empty words, on a shallow sea, because she’s gone away from me. There will never be hope, because I’m not living by my own words. If I truly love her, I have to let her go free, and I won’t allow myself to fall to the ground.
Episode 228
Life and Love
Indeed, I’ll accept our friendship, because there’s no hope in living for myself. There must be happiness given to her, instead of what I’d rather desire. Hell yeah it’s going to hurt, and it’s going to hurt as much as anything can. If you lose your determination, then you will also fall with your motivation. Despair will always be at the end of ever journey, but that doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be happiness along the way. I’ve lied and cheated, yet there’s another chance that has been given to me, and I’m refusing to let it go now. Okay, yeah, so what if I like her, does it mean anything? She’s my best friend, but that doesn’t mean she likes me the same way, and she never has too either. Seriously, just look how far I’ve come already; there won’t be any more hope if falling is requested. There’s nothing for I’m giving up now, no, I’m not falling down at this point of despair. If I could write it then, I can live it now, though, it’s easier said than done, I suppose.
Episode 229
Dear Laura I
Heh, I’m not too entirely sure of what to say at the moment. You know that I will always care about you. I’m going to give up, because you gave me the strength to believe in myself, even to change my despair into happiness. This isn’t my last chance, under the pressure of my heart. I guess I’m just sorry for not giving you what you deserve, but as long as you’re my best friend, I think I can move on. Yeah, it’s going to burn more than anything else I’ve felt thus far, but your happiness is well worth the cost. Thanks for not being like the past, just more heartache, another failed relationship. My heart skips a beat whenever you’re near, and with you, no longer can there be fear. Now it’s impossible to feel any more pain, but if needed, I’d stand with you in the rain. I’ll hold your hand whenever there is sorrow, yet from you, there is happiness for tomorrow. Nothing describes my joy when we’re together, because my heart is yours, now and forever. It’s a shame, that I don’t want you to ever have to read these words, but they needed to be writ eventually. The show must continue, despite whatever outcome may occur, I’ll face it with a grin, and I’m never going to give in, because of the courage you gave me when we were together. How long until we can never return to the past? There will be times when I feel like everything is towering against me, and that I don’t stand a chance of getting through the ordeals, but at least I know you’ll be there for me when it happens. Don’t send me away to become something I’m not, because I don’t want to fall to something that doesn’t make a difference in the future, where happiness resides. You taught me that misery isn’t needed to be happy, as long as we have each other. You’re more important than any words could hope to ever describe, so I’m having trouble writing this letter of power. It’s going to hurt to let you go, that much is true, but your happiness is more important than mine, and as long as we’re best friends, there’s always hope for joy. I’m sorry if I hurt you. My intent is not to be so clingy. It’s true- I do feel like you tore my heart from me; yeah, I do really, very, extremely wish that we could still be together, and maybe you’d care, but I shouldn’t keep putting myself before you. Sometimes I wish I could lose you again, if it meant one more moment being together, but it’s pointless to rest for tomorrow while remaining in the past. Thanks for staying with me in despair. Don’t you know what I’m thinking when I say that I miss you? Even if your heart would listen, it’s doubtful that I could explain. I’m sorry that I’m such a mess, because I don’t want to be hurt. You’re the first person I really have ever had feelings for, and now they mean nothing to you. Again, I’m not going to allow my heart to put a strain on yours, so I’m just going to let it go. Maybe, someday, we’ll both find somebody who we can love.
Episode 230
Realistically
Please, I really don’t want to add you your name amongst the pages writ here already. There are only two reasons people are mentioned in this record, and those are for love, and if you are a source of agony. That’s really the last thing I want for you, because that would have to mean I had caused you pain. In reality, I don’t want any more to be mentioned in this long, arduous journey. The burden is greatened with every added word. Please, allow my absolution to be fulfilled, for this case. I didn’t meat you for a lone friendship- I’d much rather be your best friend than to be a cast away. A letter of power has the purpose to explain a situation to that person, about how I feel about the incident. You’re only mentioned by name if you mean a lot to me, and the longer the notice, the more important that person is, but the less words, the more the ordeal means to me. Believe in me, so that I may believe in you, or we will both fade away into an endless vortex of a shared misery, without caring about ourselves. The time approaches when we must face the truth in its fullest extent. I’ve never lied to you, so please understand me.
Episode 231
Eyes of Dreams
There were three dreams I had last night, and you were in two of them. Now there’s understanding of one of the past three dreams, because you were in one of them. I’m still wondering who the other woman is in the remaining two. There was also a friend in one my dreams last night, but I’m not sure why. The greater question is not who was there, but who wasn’t there. Not a single best friend remained while all my close friends were. Does this mean in the future that I’ll lose them? I’m going to choose to believe this, because all my other senses have been correct thus far. Give up your mind and heart, only because in the end all that remains is despair. There’s no reason for love or emotions. However, I still love, which dares me to care for the people in the night and change our ways about caring about ourselves, despite our last chance together. In my dream, whenever you were there, you had given me chances again, or, perhaps they were past opportunities, lost forever. I can still feel your lips, but that doesn’t really matter though. Anyway, the last friend questioned my beliefs and feelings, and showed me a new path.
Episode 232
Maybe, You’ll See
Can’t we give ourselves one more chance? I’m able to change now, because I have the right determination and motivation- you. Love dares you to care for the people, and reach out, and love dares us to change our way of caring about ourselves. You keep saying that there is no chance left, but I don’t believe that. You’re the one who said that we can never know what lies in the future. Just say maybe, instead of we’ll see, because then you’ll see. Now I think I might get one more chance. Why can’t you confront your fears and me? Forever, in the name of love- what in the name of love is the point to continue hopeless? Indecision is what got you into trouble with your heart and your mind, singing eternally with blissful hope in your soul. See this through as simple life, not as an ordeal forever. Remember, I come as the new champion of love and hope, to show all of you a new path. As long as you don’t live a lie, it’ll all be okay, you just have to trust your heart and mind. Now you’re the one crying, you unnecessary fool, I gave you up long ago, so leave me be. There’s only one reason why I need you to remain, and that’s because you’re a memory. It’s great to have your mind and heart split, and yourself as a moderator to everything.
Episode 233
Alone
I’ll never be alone, no matter the situation placed in, nothing can tear me apart, so as long there is hope remaining. Fools should hide what they lack instead of showing what they have already. Social outcasts lack any sight of emotion for the future, thinking that they’ll come out on top in the end, but they’ll never know happiness. Those already on top shall indeed fall, but they’ll never have the wisdom that others may think they have claimed. Emotions are dead to me- instead I have all feelings needed to exist; in the same aspect, there is know need for attention since I already have wisdom to grow from at all times. Caustic attitudes bring such awareness- ah, I feel so loved; oh joy, look, I’m saved. Understand- I’ve always got to do something big. There is no need for my empathy, for the ability to see through all problems and all strife is mine. There will always be another in the world who has greater issues than others. However, that doesn’t mean you should also be devoid of such compassion, for none other have my gift. My emotions are voided. I understand what you’re going through is tough, but don’t forget about others in pain. Maybe it’s my reasoning, not burden, to bring everybody closer to understanding others. It’s the end where my story begins.
Episode 234
Caught
Nothing really matters anymore, because it’s gone forever, so let me out of this emotionless pit of complete despair. It’s without emotions that I’ve had an endless devotion. No feelings should remain, but it’s because of what she said to me that makes it so difficult to let go. Forget what happened in the past, for nothing can remain forever. Love will always in either despair of death, it’s just so simple. I’ve felt like screaming so much that the anger keeps building up, ready to be released. Now, there’s no reason to continue this false life of hope. Never again will I feel the way I do right now for you. Everybody says that a new day has dawned. No, a new day hasn’t arrived, this twilight is of dusk, and the shadows come reeling. It’s going to be a long night. Love may dare me to change the way of caring about ourselves. Go about your life without me, so I don’t get in the way of you and him. Screw life, if it means I must have emotions when they are totally unnecessary. Doesn’t it just tear you apart when you’re so powerless for somebody you care about, but they won’t even acknowledge who you are. She lied to me, and now it’s going to tear me apart for all eternity. Go away! Just get away from me; stop this pain. There’s nothing I can do anymore, so split me into the two separate persons, forever. Chaos and order are powerless when emotion and logic are separated for complete love. Wherever there was pain, I would’ve been there for you, but I was too clingy already, so it doesn’t make a difference anymore. We can’t keep on waiting on our hearts and minds to change, instead, we must make the difference ourselves. It’s true- often in life, those who we want to care the most, either don’t have the time or just don’t care about us at all. Shall you continue to lie to me, as you fall to the floor, without a hand to help you up once more? Away from my memories, because you are no longer required to move alone. You deserve what you get, but why can’t I move without this hope; nobody really knows. You’re not her- that’s what allows me to continue this harsh trial, because you don’t love. Indeed, I’m just another failed relationship to you, so just forget about it, you’re not worth the despair that you have created in my spirit again. You claimed to be different, when you’re really no different than the others. You’re not able to go with myself, so leave me. Recall when there was only one thing I wished for, but now all I want is to find true love. There was a chance, and you know that it was thrown away.
Episode 235
Obsession
This isn’t compassion, determination, or absolution- it’s complete obsession. There is no need for empathy, because there will always be somebody with worse situations. Any fool can have logic, but it takes true passion in order to control emotions. Besides, even with logic, you have to understand how it should be used. This battle is hopeless; there will never be an absolution to this ordeal. Even in the dream, your life was saved by a caring hand, but then you left the story for eternity- never to be seen again. Now it’s unaware which hurts more, never seeing you again or being with just as a friend. Even if I fall, at least you’ll be able to say that there is hope when I’m trying my hardest to continue. There’s no need to continue a fruitless ordeal, when there is somebody who can take my place in the pages. I’m not blind, I’m just unneeded; thus, there is no reason to try more.
Episode 236
Chi Alpha VIII
Why did you continue a fight that you’d lose, no matter the outcome? There was no hope for your survival, or even your feelings to be realized. At least you learned from your mistakes, didn’t you? Yeah, you kept fighting, not for yourself, but for others, even those you loved, yet they would try to kill you. You were questioned, what could one in a billion do to change the world, and you showed them what you could accomplish alone. But, you never were alone, even when you were hated by everybody around you. Suicide was never the question, yet death was always the answer that you knew was stalking you.
Episode 237
Bipolar
Thank fate that these problems are both mine as well as others, and that it’s possible to use them as a gift instead of just a curse. At the end of the journey, we find our solace. It’s the same mistakes that keep being made all the time. We may not know what we have until it’s gone, but eventually we are able to fill in the gaps of the lost memories of time. This was so unreal and trivial, but let’s see you do something more. I’m strong enough to overcome any trial that comes my way, so let me show you just what I’m made of now. Before too long, everything will fall away to the sidelines when nothing can be lots, yet everything can be gained. It’s the same negative thoughts and emotions that take over me. Your heart takes over your mind, and you would continue so ignorantly blind. Sometimes, we live for nobody but ourselves., while we continue through a path of glass. Now I’m sharing all the pain I’ve been holding onto. What doesn’t kill makes us strong. I’m able to split my emotion and reason from each other to form two separate beings. This is what makes me unable to be defeated, even without compromise, there is victory.
Episode 238
Solace
So many stupid decisions are made within such a short span of time. It doesn’t really matter anymore. Nothing can change what has already been said, even the words made into actions have already been pressed into the past. It’s possible to move on, however, it’s going to take more than just sheer determination and a little bit of luck. There’s no truth in what has happened before in a lie. Foolishness makes for an interesting story only when it matters and perhaps makes a difference. This is not one of those circumstances. Something had to be changed in order to live with others in harmony without emotion taking it’s role of dominance over my entire mind. The past tense is not needed at the moment because there is still work to be done as long as this feeling remains for her. Situations of the past do not represent something for the immediate future of ourselves. You are still far to clingy for others to be able to live with your attached self. Take a deep breath of your hope and love to continue an effortless trial of doom and you shall see. Dive into your own words and you will find the memories of my impact on you. There is no separation between our minds anymore. I’ll always leave an impact on others from me. The pain will always remain until your memory moves on, while the crash awaits for me. I’m going to get stronger, so that in the future, I’ll be able to show you what I’m made of. Yes, I’m sure of it now, that I’ll always love you, though I’m falling to pieces. Resemblances of those others who cast a shadow- not even my words can heal wounds. No time remains to be too busy, when you only get one chance for this life, why don’t you try to make an attempt to save others from falling into the ground. You should be dared to try something new for others instead of yourself because the day will come when you need the same. What would it take for you to understand what makes this world turn without any emotion or a set mind on causality? There would be nothing to remain for us.
Love never ends in despair nor death, thought infatuation often does, nothing can fade. Come on! Even you have to believe in your own words- without hypocrisy! Even you have an exception to your own rules. There is compromise in all hearts and minds now. There is still work to be done- I refuse to falter until I decide the time right, none else. Arrogance shall lead to despair, but there will not be compromise of my own heart. Become what you fear to overcome your own challenges and you’ll fall forever, today. I’m unsure of who you are right now, but I’m sure the day will come for us to meet. However, you’re not getting rid of me that easily, because I’m continuing my journey, no matter where it leads me to that day. Sometimes we live for ourselves, despite mistakes. How should this story continue? Recall the promise I made to you- I won’t let you down. So, who am I, you ask- I’m Robert Maloney, and that’s all I need to be.
Episode 239
Dissipate
There is a memory in my mind, of a time when all I wished for was to not become a small memory, but not that’s all I really wish for. I’m going to fade away into time and your past, never to be seen again. We’re just friends- we don’t need to see each other a lot. Nothing needs to stay anymore in my heart. This is how I’m going to leave this for now. I’m not letting you down, I’m just letting you go, as if it actually makes a difference. Whatever is able to change our hearts and minds can only be found beyond what we are able to see at the moment. We’ll meet in our dreams, but never more than that anymore. This changes nothing because of what had already occurred. We don’t need each other. My heart is not broken, it’s just not where it should be. It’ll just take some time, I guess. What can be said if your heart would listen; there’s just no chance to even explain again. Nothing more can be said when I’m falling away, and you’re up high, always acting okay. You’re able to attain anything you want from anybody, while I’m able to attain anything, except what my heart desires the most. I’ll be the mature one and walk away from this. Yeah, it’s going to hurt more than anything else, because I’m more heart than mind now. Why is this possible- how can somebody be in pain while the another is so peaceful. Memories fade whole, singing regardless… face your failure- great, natural failure. Despair can never be given by true love, however, I’m hoping we’ll be better by then. Maybe then you’ll see who we are inside, besides just within me.
Episode 240
Breakeven
I’m still alive, but I’m barely breathing. Just praying to a God that I don’t believe in; because I got time while she got freedom, cause when a heart breaks, it don’t break even. They say that things happen for a reason, but these words aren’t going to stop the bleeding. Don’t sin and run away- fall into the ground again, and again. Sigh; why did you have to do what you did so soon? You’ve failed your own destiny, and brought me into it as well. I’m not going to let you down by letting you go; your heart screams to me. I’ve got both my heart and mind, there’s no reason for me to continue blind. This mistake that you keep making is tearing more than just you apart. Your naiveté is getting reckless. I’m not ignoring you I’m just moving ahead; there’s nothing holding me back now.
Episode 241
Retreat
There is an obsessive objection with every that is depression, creating the greatest form of abject despair that there can ever be. Then the hyperactivity coupled with euphoria creates happiness that only provides to the chaos. The combinations are both polar opposites, but help create the drama that I live for. I’ve been used, for the first time in the story; this felt horrible when it occurred, but now it feels great- more disappointment is perfect. Nobody is walking away from me- I’m leaving on my own accord, so think whatever you want. Call me a failed relationship, a jerk, a horrible person, but at least I’m a good friend. There’s no reason for me to stay in this true form of despair without any hope. Whatever had occurred will be marked within my memories, where they shall stay for all eternity. My story is as straight as it was written, so why don’t you get your story straight. However, I’m sorry for everything, but not because I’m wishing for an absolution. Maturity is what will bring us out of this mess; I’m hoping you don’t become a memory. This is not for my own happiness, because this will only bring me more pain- it’s for you.
Episode 242
Regretting
You know it was good while it lasted. This is not an easy come- easy go situation as it was once before with another. Our relationship took work from both of us, and the reward was just as great, but the price that was paid in the end wasn’t worth it. Surely I’m being used for the moment, which gives me power over more than just emotions. Even the manipulation isn’t worth living a lie for so long. There is no solace in drama created for the sole purpose to tear me down again. What more can I do to show that I’m longing to be the best friend that is possible? At least I’ve shared the pain that I’ve been holding onto for such a long time, but losing you wasn’t worth it. Did I mean what I said before? I’m questioning my own feelings- something that makes me unique; is it really the truth?
Episode 243
Resigned
I’m changing for myself, and nobody else- not for ignorance or arrogance, which I lost. But I won’t walk away, because I’m never backing down from the promises I’ve made. Try to stop my trying, because this light is never falling down. You’ll never see me back away from what I’ve said I’ll do. I’m not going to be foolish though, and say things that will not help myself out of an emotional abyss. Your bleeding was not worth the sound of the pain that I’ve felt until now. I’m aware that you don’t miss me, but I’m still not ashamed of the choices I’ve made. However, I’m not sure of what I’m supposed to do. We’re friends- we don’t need to speak, be together, or share how we trust each other. These promises that I’ve made before in a false hope- I’m giving them away to time now. I’ve never seen everything fall apart so quickly.
Episode 244
Searching
Now that you’re back in my life, nothing seems to be quite the same. You think differently than you act and feel. Since your return, I’m questioning what should be done next, before I do anything stupid again. Tell me, was everything what you expected it to be when you lost yourself? Was everything what you wanted to find, looking for yourself out in the world of love? I’m promising to live for the feelings of others instead of what my heart desires. What can I do to help you find what you need to continue in life? Surely, I’m not a God-send, but seriously, I’m always right here. You’re so much more than just my best friend, you are my life and always will be. You’re all like pieces of me, without you, I’m incomplete. Nothing is worth fighting for if we aren’t willing to fail too. You have to figure how to live for yourself, but I’m here to catch you whenever you fall. But right now, what are you going to do about it, instead of just waiting along for something to change for you, when you have to make the changes yourself- but not alone. You just have to have the right motivation and sheer determination to change for better. What we fight for is worth the pain we feel now, because in the end we’ll find everything. It’s the same damn things you’re so quick to believe- you do it over, and over again; and it’s the same mistakes I keep watching you make. You’ll fall for anything, won’t you? I’m always going to stick up for you, even when I know you’re wrong.
Episode 245
Heartless VII
Are you just going to stay in misery for eternity? Maybe. Will you even try to search for me again? What’s the point? In the end… You’re going to be in pain. It’s been a while since I’ve had any motivation. Try to believe in something. Nothing will change just because there’s hope. Everything will fall in the end, as it always does for myself. Nothing can be found without it being lost first. You could be so much more than this. Without her I’m nothing. So then find yourself! Looking down on yourself to never find your own salvation within a lost heart for something. I’m able to see through the void so that I’m aware of her heart, at all times of the world. It’s going to keep falling in my love. She doesn’t even trust you. Won’t you get your story straight- cause I need this now.
Episode 246
Eyes of Solace
There’s nothing to be gained in anguish and in pain. I’m moving on with or without you, giving you all the space you need to roam free. I’ve got to change- I absolutely must now. “Ya gotta get rocking, and he’s ready to go, cause now the countdown has started, and he’s ready to glow. He’s just going on, and on, and on, and on. Wanna get yourself together- there’s no time to rest. And if you put the time in, I’ll put you to the test. I’m like a running man in my work- war is less. If you wanna test me, bring your best. Don’t make me spell it out- bring your best. Because I wanted you, because I love you. In my world, where life is strong. In my world, life’s an open book. In my world- compromise exists. In my world, the world’s every step meets the rest. In my world, where one is all. In my world, never fear the fall. In this world- where compromise exists. In my world, the world’s every step meets the rest. I’m back again, well, what did you expect? Coming out to win ten out of ten- got a real rough neck. It’s like something never really straps on my shoes. I’m going to be the best there ever was- I hope you’ll witness this news! I’m just the one who will understand when the tides will swing, so I’m breaking down doors- never following. There’s no joy- there’s no shame- feel the crush- feel my pain. The only one- never born man, whipping the day- moving up, moving fast- gonna blow you away. Because the pressures of this world- they can take the toll, and it’s tough to get away when they take a hold. The only way to break free is to break the mold. Don’t stop now, come on and rock ’n’ roll. In my world, where life is strong. In my world, life’s an open book. In my world- compromise exists. In my world, the world’s every step meets the rest. In my world, where one is all. In my world, life is just a game we play, never fear the fall. In this world, I‘m here to stay- where compromise exists. In my world, the world’s every step meets the rest. There’s nothing for me left to show you- so this is goodbye.” That’s not what you want to hear today, so I’m going to want to blow you away.
Episode 247
Chi Alpha IX
There she was, as if she had waited for all eternity to see you again. Tears rolled down her face because she knew what you had to do. You were going to give it all up for all those you loved, but you didn’t have to fight alone. Your misery was created by your own hand. Even though the others knew this, they never wanted to protect you from yourself. Only their own self-interest survived your love, because they threw it all away. However, you never stopped fighting for them, even when you knew you’d fall. She returned to you, but not because you had changed- because she wanted to be with you as everything else fell. It’s like she never knew you in the first place, as you had given everything else up for her. Apparently she wasn’t’ the one you had in your heart before, but now she would never go. Like your brother had once said in a time of misery, “You just got to keep going to fight.”
Episode 248
Dear Jennifer
There never was a time to say goodbye; before I’d fall without knowing of you, because even now, we still do not know each other. We are twins, and yet, nothing connects us. Remember, we were together for the most of the time, until we were torn from each other. No- even now, I’m the one who screwed up, and now you’re not here to hear me out. Never did I show up when I said that I would, but know that I waited long enough to go. I’m not going to let you down as I have others, because you really are somebody to me. Anyway- you must grow up before anything happens to you. There is so much you need to learn before you fall like all those others. Nothing needs you to be a failure for them. Don’t run away from the fight, even when you know that defeat is inevitably chosen. Ignorance coupled with arrogance is the only exception to the hypocrisy rule of life- love. You have to believe in what you’re fighting for, or the battle is already lost, for all times. Somebody needs you now, so don’t fall down, you have to support- this is not a burden. You have to survive the tides of a swinging fight for love; you’ll never fall down again. Nobody knows the trials that might come to us in the night of darkness, coming strong. I’ll always be waiting here, for you. I’m on my feet- I’m on the floor- I’m good to go.
Episode 249
Painful
So many things I thought I could win, but in the end I fell again. This was my own order creation of misery- she was right when she said that this grief mine. Now there will never be an absolution, like those who came before her- I’m the one who failed, they never did. Get away from me- I don’t need your memory, so take them all away so that I cannot see. Why is this such a big ordeal for me to get over? Others call it foolish while I call it love. However, it’s a false love- edging on infatuation for somebody who simple doesn’t care. So many things were said- but they were all lies, because you never really cared at all.
Episode 250
Approach
The conflict arises once more, just to even the losing score. There are times ahead for everyone else, choosing to push their own hearts. There must balance between heart and mind, lest we will all fall again. Without compromise there cannot be the order and chaos that we necessitate to survive the harsh battle of love. What can be done to stop the pain? There’s nothing we can do now to negate a pain that has not yet arisen from the ashes. Don’t mistake a false hope- there will be misery, and I have the power to change it all- but I just don’t know how. It’s not if you go, I’ll go- where you go, I’ll go along with you.
Episode 251
Dear Austin
You are an embarrassment to my past- you’re still who you are when we departed years ago from that prison. You lack both priorities and expectations. You’re so blind to what should have changed in so much time. You’re so ignorant that you’d still continue as we both had during the time from the past. Even the shadows have more honor than you do. Nothing is able to change your arrogant heart and mind- thus you’ll never find what you’ve sought for so long. Let me show you just what I’m made of and who I’ve become. You’re just a face in the past- never moving forward, you desire that which has been lost. Somebody should change you just as they change me, for the better of my life, but you’d probably fail, because you’re not willing to let anything go- you ignorant traitor to life. You disgust me; you’re not willing to mature, because you think everything will be given. You’re the one who has to grow up for a change, so just give it all up before you fall.
Episode 252
Especially
I’m the one who keeps falling for the same tricks- this game that you’re playing with my heart has to end sometime. Your actions area always different than your words- which tear me to pieces. You wanted your space, so I’m giving as much as eternally possible. The best part of me was always you, so what do you expect me to do? You threw me away just as fast as we got together, but it all took work. Everything will end in despair. Do my promises of old still apply or would you have me throw them away as well? Nothing joins us anymore, so stop playing with my heart and mind- making them fight. Everything that we did together is all fruitless now, and nothing that I’ll think changes. When we were together there in the dark, our hearts beating as one, softly I’d wish that we’d never grow apart. So I’m waiting for you, with open arms- with nothing to hide- believe what I’ll say. Try to break my heart when it’s broke- nothing really matters now. It’s easy for you to tell me to move on when it wasn’t your heart that was broken. Whatever am I supposed to say when I’m choked up while you’re okay?
Episode 253
Grasping
I promise you, revenge. Nothing shall forestall the destruction of those who sought mine. By doing nothing, I ensure your misery in the future. So do as you please- I’ll laugh when you’re on your knees. While you continue to play games with my heart, I’m going to gamble with your emotions. Whose fault is this though? You keep searching for me, just to tell me to give you more space. I’m wanting you to feel the same pain that you sent me. However, I love you, so it is not something that I can wish for so easily for the situation. I’ve wanted to be so close to you that was possible, but I’m the one who screwed up a lot. You always want my help, but when it’s all over, you just cast me aside like you hate me.
Episode 254
Eyes of Storming
(0:00-0:24 The Decisive Battle) Here’s the story you’ll never find in a book; it’s in your heart, now you must take a look. Why should we wait for the time to come, when the twilight sets the burning sun? Can you see me? I see through you. Can you see me, though I can’t see you? Who in the Hell has made the first move; what can we all do right now, right now? What is this ordeal we are living through? Where in Creation have our dreams all gone to- never, ever told? We are together and though time stops, we will never fall down, falling down now. True love, never backing down; through our hearts we see the untold truth. Decisively, we continue through destiny despite the roads we have chosen. We cannot fall down, and we will never back down, not again, oh, not again. Hearts and minds, go through time, forever- never changing. (2:20-3:12 If You Don’t) Who are we now? Who are we? Who are we now? Who are we? Who are we now? Who are we? Who are we now? Who? Why wouldn’t you look at who we are on the inside- no, you’d rather toss me to the wayside. Flying away now- just fly away. Get away from… (1:00-1:26 Breakeven) “When a heart breaks- it don’t break even. What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you. What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re okay? I’m falling to pieces. I’m falling to pieces.” (2:17-2:38 Gasoline) Run, run, run away now, seeing what we’ve all failed now. You try to see right through me, something not done so easily. Why must we go through this, what did we ever have to miss? Going through our own time, it all seemed so sublime. (3:09-3:22 Under Pressure) “Because love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves- this is our last chance.” (1:38-2:28 Safe and Sound) “This hopeless feeling- this fear of falling down, but I’m not crashing now. For all this bleeding, it wasn’t worth the sound- a million screaming out loud. And still, the Earth comes reeling in; the curtain calls my name- I’m not afraid. And I know, you may not miss me, but I am not ashamed- the choice I made, but I can’t let this go.” (5:19-6:40 What I’m Made Of) “You can’t take- look around and try, cause you can take another try!” In your world, where life is strong. In your world, life’s an open book. In your world- compromise exists. In your world, the world’s every step meets the rest. In my world, where one is all. In my world, never fear the fall. In my world- where compromise exists. In my world, the world’s every step meets the rest. “Try to look inside of me- try to take my energy! Let me show you just what I’m made of! Simple curiosity, trying to take a bite of me. Let me show you just what I’m made of now!”
Episode 255
Rescuing
You’re told to run faster, just for your life. No, you’re not running! You’re here to fight, and find an absolution. If your destruction is sought, create their annihilation, be empathy. There’s no honor, no desire, bring forth all despair. Why can’t your vanity handle reality? Isn’t it sad when you have to lean up against a blank for comfort? Today, our adversaries bring forth a seeming unconquerable sequence, by both ignorance and arrogance, which are incompatible with harmony. However, collectively, they are able to bring destruction. You’re away that it’s a joke, then again, so are you. In time comes peace, which brings reward- even the most obvious of advice can sometimes help the most. Even when compromise is difficult to fight for. Seriously, you must remember, what’s a little misery? When you take yourself sensibly, trying to put yourself at the stand for your own trial- finding the balance- the mind and the heart- finding the compromise- foreseeing the inevitable- not even so much as when anymore- you must have preparation for the event. Revenge- it may not come today, it may not come tomorrow, it’ll probably occur Friday. I’m going to have to take a rain check. I’m a dying friend inside. Our minds and hearts are connected in some way, but even now, I’ll hope I’m wrong, but if I’m right- I love you.
Episode 256
Euphoria
Falling through the ashes again, without victory for our win, please pray against your sin. Your stupidity is seriously starting to anger me- why haven’t you done something new? I’ve told you before, you must see the social network around you, or you will die alone. Say what you want, because you also know the truth. This is an all or nothing scenario. Show them your progress instead of hiding away, on the other side of a blank screen. There’s no reward at the end of this empty journey- at least, not for you, not anymore. I’ve not yet given up on you, so don’t let me down, not again, never again, oh, not now. I’m sorry that I’d forgotten. Everything is falling away, and this time I’m refusing to stay. “I’ll never forget you.” That was my promise I made to you when we departed- I’m sorry. Something tells me that you are far more connected with your own mind and heart than others in the area where we met. You must help them find a way out of their ignorance. You didn’t think I’d forget about you, did you- Alexis. However, you’re not the one that was referred to. What about her- the one I’d failed to meet, because of my own problems?
Episode 257
Eyes of Light
Don’t you know when it’s time to move forward, with all the emotions you need? Together we’re going to find it hard to resist, because I’ve been waiting for you. I’ll pay any cost if it means I’m able to be with you in love, no matter what. I’m not going to let you go in my heart, because I’ve learned how to love past everything else. Save me- I’m lost looking for you. There’s a reason for all of this- our friendship will never fade away. I’m going to have to believe that time moves slowly when we’re together. I’m not going to lose you when I’ll have to leave this time. I’m hanging on a wire, ready to fall again. I’m never going to stop loving you- even when it’s time for us to finally say farewell. Nothing is going to separate us from a distance, cause when I said I love you, I meant it. As long as I don’t have to chase, we’re always going to be together- best friends forever. Nothing is going to stop me until I’ve finally spoken my mind and heart. Where are we going to meet later, after time moves around us, because I’m not going to let us go lost. As we move further away from each other, are we going to miss each other anymore? Show me what I’m looking for, later, in the future.
Episode 258
Graduation
Motivation is the work of pride; finally, something that is logical and emotional together. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what, I’m not going to let you down. Anything you ever need, I’ll bring it to you. Everything is possible for you- all you need is a little love. Even in pain, I’m not going to fade away- I’ll always be here to hold your hand in rain. You don’t need to say anything, because no matter what, I’m always going to understand. We’ll meet each other in our dreams. This wasn’t a vow- it was a simple awareness. Thanks for everything- trust, love, and hope; there’s so much you’ve given to me since…
Episode 259
Chi Alpha X
Do you even know what makes you a hero, Ciajje? You gave up everything for the rest of the world- everything that would come to an end, you were willing to fight and ultimately die to protect. We’re still one team, as always, and we both want to let them know that, even in the end, we’ll always be with them, waiting right here, because we love them. Your relationships with imbeciles must have enraged you. I’m always going to stick up for her, even when I’ll know she’s wrong. What more is there to find within my own self? I hate emotions and I do not love logic. Logic is order and emotion is chaos- it’s so serine.
Episode 260
Journal I
“My father and I never did have a close relationship. I love him and I know he loved me, but after a long time, probably ten years, it seemed as though I would never be the son he wanted. Since I was seven it seemed like we only fought. But when I turned seventeen, we changed. We said sorry and now we’re working forward, but these hard times taught me a lot. Never to be too proud and never yell for what someone does when they only want to help. He taught me to be independent and choose my own path, and he taught me how to believe in myself; I never felt like he did. I needed these times, and for that, something terrible, resulted in a needed and productive experience.”
Episode 261
Untouched (Heartless VIII)
“I go oh, you go ah. I can’t lie- I want only to get what I want, don’t stop. Give me what you got, cause I can’t wait anymore. Don’t even talk about the consequence, cause right now you’re the only thing that’s making any sense to me. And I don’t care what they say or what they think, cause I think you’re the only thing whose on my mind. I’ll never ever let you leave me. I’ll try to stop time forever, I never want to hear you say goodbye. I feel so untouched, and I want you so much, that I just can’t resist you. It’s not enough to say that I miss you. I feel so untouched right now- need you so much. Somehow I can’t forget you. I’m going crazy from the moment I met you. And I need you so much. See you, breath with you, and I want to be with you. You can take time- time to live where you got to live your life. Give me all of you- don’t be scared. I see you through the moment and I said one more. Don’t even think about what’s right or wrong, or what’s wrong or right. Cause in the end it’s only you and me, and nobody else is going to be around to answer all the questions. I am not meant to be so even if weren’t for the stance you take. Do you still need me to lift you up, when I’ll never let you down. I feel so untouched, and I want you so much, that I just can’t resist you. It’s not enough to say that I miss you. I feel so untouched right now- need you so much. Somehow I can’t forget you. I’m going crazy from the moment I met you. I feel so untouched, and I want you so much, that I just can’t resist you. It’s not enough to say that I miss you. I feel so untouched right now- need you so much. Somehow I can’t forget you. I’m going crazy from the moment I met you.”
Episode 262
Together (Heartless IX)
“If you don’t look good, then I don’t look good, then we don’t look good. Let’s make it work please, straight to work please, lift up your shirt sleeves. And if you’re done talking, then I’m done talking, so we’re done talking. So let’s connect lines, it’s past your bedtime, and I’m on deadline. Feel the tension, take a deep breath, don’t need to be stressed. Don’t forget this- you’re my apprentice, you need to do this. Just feel the tension, your teeth are clenching, and rev the engine. Let it guide you, and get inside you, and get like I do it. Working together. If you don’t look good, then I don’t look good, then we don’t look good. And if you mess up, it’s like I messed up, and we both mess up. Don’t betray me, because it drives me crazy. When I say crazy, you say how crazy, I say real crazy. And if the boss is happy, then she will thank me, and you will thank me. If the boss is cranky, then she won’t thank me, then I won’t be happy, and frankly, you won’t thank me. So if the boss is cranky, than you can’t outflank me- you don’t outrank me. Working together- it feels like forever.” So, now what will happen? I’m not sure I’ll even care.
Episode 263
Dear Kaeru
Apparently you don’t understand the extent of our situation, because then you’d know there’s room for improvement. No amount of words will ever change your arrogance. Constantly, you find yourself needing to argue with those who do not believe in what you think they should. We can’t always get our own way, and when we don’t, we shouldn’t take our anger out on those who see things differently. You’re going to fall in the future. My only rule is that if you fall to the ground, I’d better pray that you don’t get back up. Get over yourself- you have the right determination, but you’re going about it all wrong. You push away everything around you, finding excuses for you failure instead of searching for your own success. You’re addicted to idiocy- not the cornerstone of society.
Episode 266
Heartless X
I guess this is goodbye. Yeah. You could at least smile. Nah, it’s not worth the price for faking emotion. Oh, ha, I’m not worth it? … Well, see you later. Goodbye. … (Goodbye.) Wait! I love you. What?! I love you! I always have and I always will! Oh my God! Why are you crying? Because you’re crying too! Hah! Ha-ha! Didn’t I tell you it’d be easy? Just shut-up, being with you tells me enough! I love you too. I know; I always did know. Promise me you’ll never leave me. I’m always going to love you- I promise you. … What’s worth crying over now? It’s just.. I believe you. It’s funny, because now I know.
Episode 265
Trialing (Chi Alpha XI/Heartless XI)
“You- are you a sigil of Chaos?” … “Answer me, or taste my blade.” No, I am Chaos. “Then you shall fade away into the darkness like your peers.” It’s not something done so easily. Even I’ve tried to cleanse myself of darkness, but to no ultimate avail. “Indeed, what power! Such magnificent power!” You’ll witness my suffering as well, if you wish. “Gwah?! Just who do you think you are?” I’m Ciajje- project Chi Alpha- pure emotion. “This isn’t the end. I shall return!” Whatever you must tell yourself. “Just who do you fight for in this conflict?” Nobody, I am the conflict. “Then you too shall return to void.” Hmm, if you wish to see it, then you must feel true despair, like your other comrades. “No, we can protect you from them.” Not forever. “Isn’t it funny, how time dies away?” You’re the traitor to yourself, nobody else. “You can learn how to love, just believe.” Love, that’s all I could do, with nothing in return, I’d fight for her to the death. Unable to find any resolve left to fight again, I left everything behind. “You have to have a dream.” My dreams died with her. “Who is she then- this woman you speak so fondly of now?” Just my old friend. “Then why do you keep searching in your soul for a reason to fight?” It’s him… Hykian! “Hah, you believe that you can destroy both shadow and light?” Nothing matters anymore, I’m not here for myself- I’m here for her! “This isn’t possible.” Emotions aren’t possible, yet they occur as phenomena anyway. “She died because you loved her- isn’t fate such a cruel ordeal to live through?” No, she loved me! It’s because of you that I’ll never see her again with life! “Impossibilities rule our world, you know.” Get off your knees; you’re not going to die the way you would wish- as a simple martyr. Face my judgment- great, holy judgment, as you fall to the ground, unable to stand, unable to fight. She died in life, but not in my heart. “Everything betrays you once more.” Sometimes tears aren’t all we can say, and sometimes our skies won’t ever fall. Everything tries to break my heart when it’s broke; it’s the end where I begin- from death. I’m reborn from who I’d been when it was all a dream- to form a vortex of emotions.
Episode 264
Heartless XII
You came back for me? You want me to be with you. Yes, but you know what this will come to in the end. And I want to be with you through it all. So you snuck out for me? I’m in love with you. I love you too… God, what would I do without you? You’re more than just the love of my life- you are my life. I’m sorry that I left you before, when you needed me the most, and I just went along as if nothing had happened- but something did happen- you happened to me. I’ll always be happy that fate brought us together. Just shut-up… Who are we now? We’re always going to be together; promise me that we’ll always stick together, no matter what happens. I don’t care what happened before, because now you’re here, and that’s all that matters. I’m always going to love you- I promise you.
Episode 267
Chi Alpha XII
There’s no-one in town I know. You gave us some place to go. I never said thank you for that; I thought I might get one more chance. What would you think of me now? So lucky, so strong, so proud. I never said thank you for that- now I’ll never have a chance. Angels need you now- there you’ll meet my friends. So what would you think of me now? Lucky? Strong? Proud? I never said thank you for that- now I’ll never have a chance. Now I’ve lost you twice, but this time I’ll never be able to find you again. I’m so sorry for leaving you before. I’m not going to break our promise though- I’m always going to love. Hah, we never did promise that we’d stay together- just that we’re always going to love.
Episode 268
Dear Laura II
Never before have I had write to letters of powers. I don’t want to see our friendship fall apart because I’ve got problems. Why is it so hard to accept me for who I am, even when we know that I’ve got issues? We all have our problems; me, you, Maria, and even our creeper teachers. It hurts me to see my problems become reasons you use to ask space. You see, I want attention because sometimes I can’t tell how others feel about me. Don’t ever call my feelings ridiculous, just because you can’t understand them. You said good friends are hard to find- that’s how I feel about you. I don’t care if it’s right or wrong to love you, though not to be in love with you is so much harder. I’m here to help you always, like when you’re sad or sick. You and others make me smile inside, even when I’m appearing to be depressed. We don’t really talk anymore, or hang out, or do anything. We fight sometimes, and get annoyed by each other too- but all friends do that, and I’d hope that we’re better than that. Are we truly greater than this constant feud, the flames of which are fed by me; are we best friends? Not a chance because you’re not comfortable with anything more than friends. You lied to me- betrayed my heart again, and I’ve failed. You’re so blind to others around you- you’re so stupid! What makes a person so ignorant of the feelings of others, who love them enough to tell them how they fell about anything. It angers me, and for the first time, I’m willing to face everything, just to fight for you. Why are you willing to shut me out, for nothing that I’d ever done before was against us? You’ll never learn until you become aware of how to understand the feelings of the hurt. It’s so much easier to ignore me when you have no feelings for remorse- I’ll die then. However, though I’m blaming you entirely for this pain- for it is your fault, I love you. You never even considered it to be true- you’ll never even think about loving me too. Yeah, the lyrics can still be heard, but let me hear you sing them now. I hate you for love. I’m alone- for the last night has arrived.
Episode 269
Eyes of Love
Nobody gave me time to explain how I’d felt this entire motivation. I’m not strong enough to continue without the understanding of others. Never say never, but you had lied to me with everything I’d believe. How could everything fall away so quickly, so fast? My goal was to always stand by everybody- always to protect, always to cause laughter. Such foolishness exists in their hearts. You were all so blind to the gift that I’d been used. I was always we here for others until today, when everything died, and it all fell away. Until the end, my words have never betrayed me. Try to understand my metaphor, the irony that had always ruled over my heart and mind. Feelings, logic, emotions, wisdom- they were all given to me as a gift, so that I’d be able to guide everybody else to solace. I’m throwing myself out there to see who will save my life. I’m not even worthy to be called friend by those I’d protect even through my death- I’ll never fade away- recall. Argue with me to save my life- this isn’t a test for attention, it’s life or death decisiveness. If it takes my death for the happiness of others, gladly will I give it up for everybody else. I’ve never had empathy for anybody else, because there’s always somebody else in the world whose problems, not only greater, but also go ignored with every passing moment. The inverse number of the orderly will ultimately result in the chaos of my destruction. Hell, I could have died already and you would not have known or noticed any changes.
Episode 270
Dear Trevor
This letter of power has long been overdue. Not a week has gone by without my mind turning to you- the only person not afraid to show the world who you were on the heart. Through my mind I’d never allow myself to let you fade away- you deserve better than that, even when we never understood each other. You were a martyr to your own ways. You’re never going to die, because you taught me how to move forward from the past. Though, I’d never say sorry, my feelings were as if I’d apologized and forgave altogether. Your life, honestly, was never shown to amount to anything, until your life faded away. Surely the battle was worth it in the end- when your potential was finally realized. Perhaps I’m never going to amount to your understanding, but at least I’ll die alone. Ending, maybe I’ll triumph over my problems, with my final fall into eternal despair.
Episode 271
Kiss Me Goodbye (Heartless XIII/Chi Alpha XIII)
Kira! Before now, I’m just sorry for everything! It’s not your fault. Yes it is! If I wouldn’t have come into your life, if I wouldn’t have loved you, this wouldn’t have happened! Don’t worry- I wanted to be with you through it all- I love you. But everything else was… Don’t run away from your problems- face them head on with others. “What difference does it even make now?” For starters, we’re the same person, able to be split or not, we still rely on each other for strength. “No love remains in my empty, broken heart now…” There’s no room for anything more than the pain I already have. I gave my all to you. “For every page advance, the end draws closer and closer.” You’re insane, aren’t you? Malon.. I’m so cold. Don’t leave me Kira! So now I come to you with open arms- nothing to hide, believe what I say! So here I am, with open arms, hoping you’d see what your love means to me. Hey, you have to be strong for me. Don’t let me down Malon, okay? Nothing even matters because she’s gone forever, our friendship never even mattering. Though my trial never ends- it goes on and on. “Can’t we give ourselves one chance?” You’d rather be in constant agony than cause a friend any misery? “It’s unbelievable.” There’s no more time left to find yourself out of this pain, because now you deserve it. Why are we wasting our time just to reach a point so that my defeat may be caused with vengeance for those who had caused me the despair? This isn’t impatience- it’s selfish. “Don’t you remember, how everything was going our way, with whatever we desired?” Now it doesn’t matter where we go when everything else falls straight into the ground. “With love, nothing comes easy.” But to her- love is a one-way street, not for myself. “When we’re lost to deep despair, why don’t we look to the lonely?” Because we are. Spreading the emotions of our deepest hearts to everybody before we fall away for now.
Please don’t leave me Kira- you’re more than just the love of my life, you are my life. Trust me Malon, it’ll all be okay- don’t say your goodbyes yet. But I do love you too. Forget about trust! If you die, you won’t die alone- I’ll go with you. Please don’t leave! “Try to stop me, because I can’t do this for much longer. Until I’m down for the count, I’ll never leave. If I ever do say that I’ve fallen, it’s over already, but I won’t walk away. I’ll never back down. Just hear me say that I’ll keep the memories safe. Though I feel hopeless, and I’m afraid of falling down, I’m not crashing now. I’m in constant pain, and all pain is worthy of anger, but I won‘t allow it to take control. Still, time keeps moving, and the world comes calling for strength. Though everything calls me away, I’m not afraid. I’m aware that you don’t miss me, but I’m not ashamed of what I had to give up for your happiness, I just can‘t let go. I’m never giving up hope, because that’s all I have. Nothing, neither natural nor supernatural, will ever be able to stop me from caring.” Ignorance still plays a role in their hearts while arrogance rules over their minds, forever. “We’re going to leave this world as we entered it- with pain and misery as a price for us.”
Episode 272
Dear Laura III
Our lives are a complex collection of events and people, and I’m grateful every day that we met. Our friendship is something I’ll treasure forever. We may never understand why we act the way we do to each other, and I’m okay with that. Others around us will be jerks and will be happy when we’re miserable. Maybe my feelings are crazy, but I don’t care what you or others think of them anymore. However, you should know that, no matter what happens, no matter where we go, no matter who we date and decide to spend our lives with, no matter what we fight about, and no matter what you think; I’ll always love you. Love isn’t dating, kissing, or being with somebody; it’s not logical, nor easy. Love always involves pain, but being able to get past it all, and the true moments of that feeling of, “Oh my God, this is happiness, this is love.” If you think it’s ridiculous that I feel this way about you, then you are very immature, and you’ll never know love. Love isn’t always a two way street. Jesus wasn’t loved by all, but he gave his life for those who even hated him. I’m not interested in you loving me, just that you’re happy, and that you’ll find the person you want to be with. Stop being blind to those around you who love you already. Yeah, Maria’s a bitch and I’m selfish, but we love you, so don’t take this for granted like I have. Don’t ever forget- Laura, I love you.
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