Poetry My literacy- Poems

Dark-Angel

Dark-Angel

Follower of the Light
Joined
Aug 3, 2007
Messages
524
Age
33
Location
Scotland
Gil
0
The Love I Never Had
<o:p></o:p>

I stand here watching from afar
Hoping I’ll be in your sight
They say to wish upon a star,
Might let me be your day and night<o:p></o:p>​
<o:p></o:p>​

First it was simply just a small crush
That steadily became a blazing fire
Even a lingering look or a brief touch
Would make my soul surge higher

Why could it not have been me and you
Whenever I think about you and me
It hurts because I know it’s not true
Perhaps I’m just another fish in the sea

I now know all is a lie
Everything about you and me
Because I regretfully realise
That we were never meant to be<o:p></o:p>​

----------------------------------------------
This is my first literature. Tell me if its any good please. :)<!--[if gte vml 1]><v:shapetype id="_x0000_t75" coordsize="21600,21600" o:spt="75" o:preferrelative="t" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" filled="f" stroked="f"> <v:stroke joinstyle="miter"/> <v:formulas> <v:f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0"/> <v:f eqn="sum @0 1 0"/> <v:f eqn="sum 0 0 @1"/> <v:f eqn="prod @2 1 2"/> <v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth"/> <v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight"/> <v:f eqn="sum @0 0 1"/> <v:f eqn="prod @6 1 2"/> <v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth"/> <v:f eqn="sum @8 21600 0"/> <v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight"/> <v:f eqn="sum @10 21600 0"/> </v:formulas> <v:path o:extrusionok="f" gradientshapeok="t" o:connecttype="rect"/> <o:lock v:ext="edit" aspectratio="t"/> </v:shapetype><v:shape id="_x0000_i1025" type="#_x0000_t75" alt="" style='width:15pt; height:15pt'> <v:imagedata src="file:///C:\DOCUME~1\ADMINI~1\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtml1\02\clip_image001.gif" o:href="http://www.finalfantasyforums.net/images/smilies/smile.gif"/> </v:shape><![endif]--><!--[if !vml]--><!--[endif]-->
I quite like writing about love, romance and other strong emotions.
I'll be posting some more, so keep an eye out


© 2007 Solus Lupus™ All rights reserved

Edit: Changed parts of verse(s) around by GV's good advice<o:p></o:p>​
<o:p> </o:p>
 
Last edited:
Firstly, well done for having the guts to 'publish' the poem on the forums. It really does take courage. Now, you know you are going to get criticisms so I hope you can take them! . These are the changes I would make whilst keeping the essence of your poem.

VERSE 1

The sentiment and 'pull' of the first 2 lines are great but I would change "I'm standing here" to "I stand", in the second line delete the words "waiting" and "that".

The next two lines hit cliche big time. How about... "They say to wish upon a star, might let me be your day and night"

VERSE 2

Avoid the word bigger, especially when rhyming it with trigger! Needs some work.

VERSE 3

I would change the first two lines with....

Why can't it be me and you?
Instead of you and me?

Exchange the word "because" with "perhaps I'm another fish in the sea".

VERSE 4

Replace "I know now" with "I now know", exchange "everything" with "all".
Remove the word "now" in the third line.
 
Last edited:
Yup, I'm prepared to take some criticism, I just wanna share my thoughts and feelings. Thanks for the help you've given me. I've changed the 2nd line and 4th line in the 2nd verse. It matches the emotion and flow of the poem better. Hope you like it.
 
Love it Lone Wolf, well done.

Just for phoenetic reasons I would change the first line of verse 2 to "What first seemed just a simple crush" and I would remove the lines "That steadily" just leave it as "Became a blazing fire", it just seems more powerfull.

I would also remove the word "Even" in line 3 verse 2. Just keep "A lingering look or a brief touch". Remember less can sometimes be more!

Verse 3. I really like it but the first line is too busy. (read it to yourself out loud). Simply changing "Why could it not" with "Why couldn't it" is equally valid in English and it makes it easier to pace out the poem.

Line 2, I would change the word "about" to "of".

This is just an idea, It doesn't make the poem any better but hear me out. You could change "Perhaps Im just another fish in the sea", to "Another fish in the sea?". (the question mark is important!) This makes the reader wonder whether you are talking about yourself or her. Cool huh ;)

Verse 4

I would replace "regretfully" with "finally".

Try those changes out, see what you think, remember, it's your poem and I'm just giving one opinion, you stick to your guns if you think I'm wrong dood.
 
Last edited:
GunbladeGirl said:
*squeals*

How nice! I love it! Make more.Whenever I write poetry,I like writing about romance stuff,too.I remember I wrote one about Cloud's loss of Aeris.Maybe I should post it...? ^_^
Click to expand...
Yay...a person that really likes it:P

Anyway, once again I give major thanks to you GV...and now i think that is my final version...I kept "regretfully" because I think it fully conveys the emotion.

GunbladeGirl...you have given me an idea...poetry about some ff characters with the inevitable romance/love theme

Thank you to those who read/love/laugh at my work (in a non offensive sense)
 
This is a great poem, mate. It has a certain originality about it.
By the way, thank you for commenting on my poem.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top