Nalaar
Wikipediatrician- Read the warning label.
I was thinking earlier about relationships today/romantic involvement. I am single today, but I wanted to share a few experiences with them and experiences of other women I have known.. Have you ever noticed how someone you are conversing with at pillow talk suddenly changes the atmosphere from soft, sweet and close to bitter, and defensive? Whispering something kind, even a simple and common pet name, like" honey" or "baby" can switch a mans emotions on and off from warm to chilling and distant? It's not so much the name, as it is the combination of the name and the tone in which we speak. It may remind him of someone else, and that persons intentions. What you say could result in the following thoughts.
"What did I do now?"
" Oh God...she wants something."
" I suddenly have the urge to flee to the bar."
" I can't believe she is doing this again."
" She is fixing to set me up where I don't know how to respond."
But early in dating, that tone to you may have meant,
" I just want to relax with you and listen."
" Would you like me to fix you something to eat?"
And suddenly....he is looking for his keys.
And why? Because a previous female who had the desire to cultivate an environment where she would need to defend herself did "set him up" and did manipulate with those tones and words. The simple word " Understand"...has more than likely been heard too many times in the sentence.." Do you understand?" in a condescending voice. Words trigger emotions and associations in people in general.
You may actually SOUND like his mother in one sentence...thus letting him know its not a good idea to listen to the rest of the statement, because after all, its just going to end in a command, or a negative comparison, or a prompt to "check in". ( I never had to check in because I was usually invited out with the guys...) You may accidently overstepped boundaries. You may begin to say, "Is there some reason you didn't...." And its taken as if you plan to say "call me", when you wish to end the sentence with, " get enough sleep last night after you dropped me off? You seemed ok, but this afternoon you are a bit depressed?" At this point you could have found out that he drank too much and then his brother called and wouldn't shut up for like 4 hours...eventually he laid the phone down and passed out until it died at 5:30 am...
The problem is, " Is there some reason..." usually has a common insert called " God-aweful" as in "Is there some God-aweful reason...?" Which instantly sounds like his mom when he was 14. So, Is there some reason you did not get enough sleep last night, baby?" Is taken from the potential and clingy question, " Is there some reason you did not call me...?" into the terrible, solid reality of ,
" Is there some god-aweful reason you did not clean your room before you went out last night?"
And all the harrowing, dreaded emotions that come with that.
I started this thread because I would like for the females on the board to share their own experiences with heated arguments and how it might have been related to tone, phrases, names and the memories they trigger.
When you accept someone into your life, you accept the way they react to memories. Try differing tones of voice. Do not use words like "able" or "capable" with men, as they are told thats what they are supposed to be in all circumstances. This targets pride, pride stems from fear of not being accepted. Try using "willing" instead. Saying "May I ask what you are thinking?" is better than " Whats on your mind?" As the latter usually makes him feel as if he is put on the spot, and this causes silence and distance. Its the same emotional results, as " Did you make that mess?" directed to a 7 year old boy.
And depending on how high in society the person you are dating is, its not wise to ever say, " input", "What are your thoughts on that?" Its just catastrophic.
Depending on how low, " Do you care if I...?", " Is it ok if we...?"...
Stop sounding like someone who hurt them or was an intrusion on their space, and your relationship will go further.
Would you like to comment here?
I am genuinely concerned.
"What did I do now?"
" Oh God...she wants something."
" I suddenly have the urge to flee to the bar."
" I can't believe she is doing this again."
" She is fixing to set me up where I don't know how to respond."
But early in dating, that tone to you may have meant,
" I just want to relax with you and listen."
" Would you like me to fix you something to eat?"
And suddenly....he is looking for his keys.
And why? Because a previous female who had the desire to cultivate an environment where she would need to defend herself did "set him up" and did manipulate with those tones and words. The simple word " Understand"...has more than likely been heard too many times in the sentence.." Do you understand?" in a condescending voice. Words trigger emotions and associations in people in general.
You may actually SOUND like his mother in one sentence...thus letting him know its not a good idea to listen to the rest of the statement, because after all, its just going to end in a command, or a negative comparison, or a prompt to "check in". ( I never had to check in because I was usually invited out with the guys...) You may accidently overstepped boundaries. You may begin to say, "Is there some reason you didn't...." And its taken as if you plan to say "call me", when you wish to end the sentence with, " get enough sleep last night after you dropped me off? You seemed ok, but this afternoon you are a bit depressed?" At this point you could have found out that he drank too much and then his brother called and wouldn't shut up for like 4 hours...eventually he laid the phone down and passed out until it died at 5:30 am...
The problem is, " Is there some reason..." usually has a common insert called " God-aweful" as in "Is there some God-aweful reason...?" Which instantly sounds like his mom when he was 14. So, Is there some reason you did not get enough sleep last night, baby?" Is taken from the potential and clingy question, " Is there some reason you did not call me...?" into the terrible, solid reality of ,
" Is there some god-aweful reason you did not clean your room before you went out last night?"
And all the harrowing, dreaded emotions that come with that.
I started this thread because I would like for the females on the board to share their own experiences with heated arguments and how it might have been related to tone, phrases, names and the memories they trigger.
When you accept someone into your life, you accept the way they react to memories. Try differing tones of voice. Do not use words like "able" or "capable" with men, as they are told thats what they are supposed to be in all circumstances. This targets pride, pride stems from fear of not being accepted. Try using "willing" instead. Saying "May I ask what you are thinking?" is better than " Whats on your mind?" As the latter usually makes him feel as if he is put on the spot, and this causes silence and distance. Its the same emotional results, as " Did you make that mess?" directed to a 7 year old boy.
And depending on how high in society the person you are dating is, its not wise to ever say, " input", "What are your thoughts on that?" Its just catastrophic.
Depending on how low, " Do you care if I...?", " Is it ok if we...?"...
Stop sounding like someone who hurt them or was an intrusion on their space, and your relationship will go further.
Would you like to comment here?
I am genuinely concerned.
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