Fan Fiction Final Fantasy VIII: A New Awakening

I think you're doing very well for the first try! There is a few things I'd like to give you some critique on. I will be as gentle as possible so please please don't take it the wrong way. I only want to help :)

Change this: Galoko tries to escape, but a fragment of it pins his legs down and the rest collapsed on top of him. Severely wounding him and knocking him out.

to this: Galoko tried to escape, but a fragment of the fallen monument had pinned his legs down and the rest collapsed on top of him, severely wounding him and knocking him out.

(add a few extra words to really spark up the moment and give that particular scene extra action. Also, try describing the clothing the characters are wearing as well as facial expressions. It gives your readers something more to visualize when reading. Be sure not to use run-on sentences and know where to put commas and periods properly. )

Other than that, it's very good! I can't wait to read more ^_^ I'm quite anxious to find out how Squall and Rinoa's marriage as blossomed over 2 years as well ^_^
 
lol very funny with Zell, the hotdogs and tacos, I liked that ^_^ keep it up!
 
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