Original In Too Deep

PaRoDu Nite

PaRoDu Nite

Newbie
Joined
Oct 3, 2007
Messages
4
Age
32
Location
Liverpool, England, UK
Gil
0
Hey everyone, I'm new to the forums and I thought I'd just post some of my work. Love it or hate it I would really appreciate comments and criticism to make me a better writer; be as harsh as you want!!!

The Blizzard

The Blizzard's life is coming to an end.
It's had a good run
but it's lost its fire, its steam.
Don't worry though, its trail of destruction is still there.
Ha Ha...
It will take weeks to clear that up,
it will take months to find all the bodies.
Ha Ha Ha...
How long will it be until the next one comes,
Comes to kill?
NO time at all.
In fact, it's already here.

Copyright © 2007 PaRoDu Nite (The Blizzard). All Rights Reserved.
 
PaRoDu Nite said:
Hey everyone, I'm new to the forums and I thought I'd just post some of my work. Love it or hate it I would really appreciate comments and criticism to make me a better writer; be as harsh as you want!!!

The Blizzard

The Blizzard's life is coming to an end.
It's had a good run
but it's lost its fire, its steam.
Don't worry though, its trail of destruction is still there.
Ha Ha...
It will take weeks to clear that up,
it will take months to find all the bodies.
Ha Ha Ha...
How long will it be until the next one comes,
Comes to kill?
NO time at all.
In fact, it's already here.

Copyright © 2007 PaRoDu Nite (The Blizzard). All Rights Reserved.
Click to expand...


I would comment that if you want to make it quite enticing, try to make it a little longer, use stanzas of various sizes depending on the urgency (really urgent= brief--------Not urgent-longer talk about more like the aftermath briefly) Also the idea of a blizzard losing its fire is a little too great a paradox to put in. Try to think up some original metaphors to keep the readers interested.
Also the Ha ha & ha ha ha parts seem fairly random, try to keep it connected.

Well those are my comments anyway. Sorry, I have a critical eye but that's the way I am.
 
Basically its boring, I hate the hahaha bits. The only bit I did like was the last four lines.

I would have wrote,

The Blizzard's life is fading,
It has had a good life,
but the fire is gone, its passion.
Don't worry though, its still stirs, visible destruction everywhere,
it will take weeks to clear that up,
it will take months to find its victims.
How long will it be until its resurected,
Comes to kill again?
NO time at all.
In fact, it's already here.
 
Last edited:
Sephirothalpha said:
Basically its boring, I hate the hahaha bits. The only bit I did like was the last four lines.

I would have wrote,

The Blizzard's life is fading,
It has had a good life,
but the fire is gone, its passion.
Don't worry though, its still stirs, visible destruction everywhere,
it will take weeks to clear that up,
it will take months to find its victims.
How long will it be until its resurected,
Comes to kill again?
NO time at all.
In fact, it's already here.
Click to expand...


Pardon me for saying that yours isn't a great deal better. Unless you are a poetic genius, single stanza poems BAD.
 
Morning Yawn

Hey everyone I'm back with my second piece and before I put up THREE new pieces I just want to say thank you very much for all the comments, they are greatly appreciated. :)

Morning Yawn

Out through the crack
in the wall of the cave
Dusty and sore
Acheing and shaking

He stretches and yawns
to the morning sun
One long chant
to the morning sun

Creaking bones
Rusty skin
Clicking fingers
Locking jaw

He washes his face
He swills his mouth
Spewing and blowing streams of foam

Then, the suns full glory shows
Giving shadow and life to the world
Hiding the evil and defining life
All in all waking the man

The Cave Man

Copyright © 2007 PaRoDu Nite (Morning Yawn). All Rights Reserved.

Pain Of The Past

Moonlit tears,
Of the past.
Vanish slowly,
My wish at last.

Pain of the soul
Grows stronger each day.
Eats away at your heart
Yet still you play.

Your mind distant.
Your vision blurred.
Your love lost.
Your speech slurred.

Don't look at me in the way that you do
You know it's not lies, you know it's all true.

Shut those rolling eyes
And close that insulting mouth too.

Please, come back,
Don't turn away.
I won't mention it again,
Love will be all that I will say.

So take my hand
And clasp it tight.
Don't let go!
And step into the light

Copyright © 2007 PaRoDu Nite (Pain Of The Past). All Rights Reserved.

Wires In The Dark

Creeping
Sliding
Slithering, over your warm skin

They hug you tight and wrap you in their warm embrace
Not embarrassed who see yet they
Hide. They hide away from people,
from life. In darkness is were they live.

But don't think their afraid because they aren't.
They wait for that thought to inch into you mind
and that's when they get
You. All of you.

Everyone panics and everyone screams,
but no one ever runs away.
They to watch the wires wriggle and sway, sway
in the darkness. Hypnotising, enticing,
Delicious.
Their insulated bodies and wicked innards ready to strike.
Strike with sharpness.
Strike with sparks.
Strike. Now.

Copyright © 2007 PaRoDu Nite (Wires In The Darkness). All Rights Reserved.
 
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Thanks very much for your comments; they are very appreciated!!!

Here's a lot more pieces! ENJOY!:


Friends?

Whispering compliments of love;
You frown to my distaste.

Preaching sonnet of affection;
You turn away in anger.

I laugh, and joke, and pretend,
but inside I fall apart.

My heart cracks;
I smile.
My soul shatters;
I play.
My life ends.

So years have been and gone,
And now we are older, wiser, more mature.
I haven't seen you,
yet,
I still see your face,
I still see you eyes hair skin,
your heart.

We speak virtually, but, you try to avoid.
Am I wrong?
Am I odd?
Did I make a mistake?

Please
say no

Copyright © 2007 PaRoDu Nite (Friends?). All Rights Reserved.


Not To Be Granted

To see your love is a wish.
To touch your skin is a desire.
To feel your warmth on my body is a need.
To kiss those lips is a want.

To look is all I can do,
no more.
Even then you wouldn't want that,
but you still grit your teeth,
to bare my love.

I wonder though is that just a cover.
Do you love me the same way I love you?
Do you wish to see my love?
Do you desire to touch my skin?
Do you need to feel my warmth on your body?
Do you want to kiss my lips?

Thought not.

Copyright © 2007 PaRoDu Nite (Not To Be Granted). All Rights Reserved.


A Little Girl

A little smile from a little girl
shines through the dark.

It quickly melts away fears.

A little wave from a little girl
pushes through the evil.

It warps negative thoughts.

A little tear from a little girl
drowns happiness away.

It fills people with guilt.

A little scream from a little girl
deafens peoples love.

It removes all warmth.

A little girl who needs a mother
only has herself to blame.

The lonliness scares her.

Copyright © 2007 PaRoDu Nite (A Little Girl). All Rights Reserved.


Shattered Image

Long, cold, hard stares dig and dig
and dig into your image.
Waiting calmly for somthing to happen,
something to go wrong.
Long years pass.

They stand, sit, wait until that day,
that day when your cover slips.
When your pefection cracks,
cracks to show them you're real.
They waited.

Then you give it!

The people, public, population scream,
scream with laughter, tears, anger.

Other cruel beasts attack at that falter.
They mock:

"Here she is!
The real girl we've waited to see crumble!"

The continue this for years and years
and years, making you make more mistakes.

You fall apart piece by piece
by piece until there is nothing left.
Nothing at all.
And still they attack and attack
and attack for more.
Not caring that you're falling further and further and further away.

I sit each night with that crying image of you in my mind.
Replaying videos of you shatter and lose everything good to you.
Everything you earnt.
Everything you worked for.
Everything.

I feel you just need a hug,
my hug to sort you problems.
Don't be sad, things will get better,
I promise.

Copyright © 2007 PaRoDu Nite (Shattered Image). All Rights Reserved.


Dreaming Of The Sun

How come in my dream I can stare at the sun?
Tell me.
How?

How can see it but not feel it my dream?
Why can't I have both?
To see it's lively rays of light;
To feel it's warmth on my skin.

I would die for that moment,
Due for the time when I can have,
not just one of those beautiful feelings.
What do I have to do to have both?

Purge my sins,
right my wrongs,
confess...
Tell me.
What?
Or

Will I be bound to seeing you in my dreams?
Your split orange colour,
Your shining light,
Your beauty.
Will this be only in my sleep?

Yes, only then will you see me, feel me.

Copyright © 2007 PaRoDu Nite (Dreaming Of The Sun). All Rights Reserved.
 
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Again good, but this time I spotted some really overused metaphors. Such as the "Creack" and "Shatter" glass metaphors as an example. Try to think up a distinctive style for yourself, imitation in this area gets you nowhere.

Just trying to help.;)
 
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