Final Fantasy Fashion Critique

Linnaete

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Part of the inconvenience of being a modern day human being far removed from our caveman days is the need to put on clothes. A major pain in the derriere is the fact you probably don't want to dress so haphazardly that you look like a scruffy clown with a garish mish mash of unwashed and unironed clothes when you step outside to greet the world. You want to look somewhat presentable for the occasion, hence why fashion is a big thing.

That's the same for video game characters. Making characters somewhat memorable and stand out from the rest obviously includes giving them a distinctive wardrobe. But there are times, especially in the Final Fantasy series, when characters have very questionable wardrobes. The kind that makes you wonder whether the character designer artist was deliberately having a laugh or if they were under the influence before submitting the draft. The kind that looks utterly uncomfortable to put on and take off, let alone wear for an extended period of time traipsing through caves, deserts, dungeons and cities in an epic adventure.

So in this thread, I will post a FF character and the next poster will critique said character. Then that poster will post an image of another FF character fashion disaster of their choice and the following poster does the same.

So let's start off with this one. Who would like to roast Ashelia B'nargin Dalmasca's attire?

latest


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siiiiiigh...fine. I'll post this too.

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Sashikiru

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Ashelia B'nargin Dalmasca looks like she is wearing a sewn loincloth with a belt to keep it up so no naughties are seen. Her legs look like they have been chapped off and had steampunk robot boots put on.

She tried to rip off the Gunner Yuna but failed miserably. Ash is an ash pile.

I've always found Nooj from FFX-2 to look so pathetic in his design.


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Linnaete

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Ohhhh, Nooj. Where do you even start with this guy?

Let's firstly address the elephant in the room: that hair.

Is that even supposed to be hair, or did someone pick up a long, windy fallen branch from the Kilika Woods somewhere and tied it to his head for a laugh? If that is indeed his hair (and as far as I know, Nooj has no Guado lineage whatsoever, so he doesn't have the Seymour excuse), how is it even physically possible? What kind of unholy concoction of gels and oils do you need to get it to stay looking like that? How does one even grow their hair like that? Just quickly turning his head around looks like it could be deadly to anyone within a radius of several metres around him.

Good lord, if I didn't know any better, I'd think this guy is about to have a tree literally grow out of him. Maybe that "hair" isn't hair, but the start of a roots system that will burrow into the ground and branch out, thereby immobilising Nooj for all eternity unless someone fetches a barber or a thick pair of shears.

Next we have the assortment of belts draped across his torso. I have questions. Firstly, how long does it take to put on at least five belts with at least two of them having to weave under his synthetic left leg...armour? Secondly, what is their purpose? Are they to secure his prosthetic limbs in place? how does he even move then? Thirdly, those belts must make it incredibly difficult for him to make a quick toilet trip if he has to urgently answer the call of nature. It completely erases the point of wearing PJ onesies - which is to be able to easily unzip, do your business, and zip right up again afterwards. He probably wears adult nappies/diapers under that, let's face it.

Yeah, that red PJ onesie. Look, losing half your limbs is rough and all, but that doesn't mean you need to show up for work as leader of one of the most influential political factions in Spira in your PJs. You gotta have more dignity than that, my man.

Plus the fact the overall colour scheme makes him look like he's trying to audition for the role of a cyborg jester.

Rightio, our next target for rightful mockery shall be:

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Materia from Dissidia FF NT.
 

Paddy McGee

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She seems like she doesn't know whether she wants to be a Disney Princess, Japanese Idol or an actual Gundam - I mean, look at those floating swords!

She's wearing the worst version of high-heeled Heelys known to existance and a dress that wouldn't work for any weather occasion: it's too open for Winter and Autumn; it's asking for bad sun burn in Summer and there's no protection from rain in spring!

Sure, she's something of a divine entity or whatever (I never played NT; sue me) but that doesn't make her invulnerable to fashion faux-pas.

The lady herself need some Gok Wan in her life!

Now for some low-hanging fruit! Tighten your belts, folks, it's....


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Galadín

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Lulu likes belts, like a whole whole lot. Like they were going out of fashion, which of course they were - at least they did once people saw what she did with them. Thing was, Lulu was sort of fed up of her dress falling down around her ankles so she thought she would try holding it all up with a belt - after all, belts are cool right? When one didn't do the trick she added more - a lot more. The more the merrier. The belts worked somewhat for the shoulder part, but whatever they were supposed to do for around her waist or whatnot didn't work out so well. Now Lulu wades through her belts, she doesn't mind the way they chafe her calves or restrict her to an ungainly shuffle. Unfortunately a belt or nine does not save time 🤷‍♀️



Well guys, it has to be done. I mean really Kuja? REALLY?

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Dionysos

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Kuja is a guy who realised that he needed to hide his monkey tail in order to succeed. To accomplish this he decided that he'd wear an exposed thong so distracting that nobody would ever notice what may or may not be sticking out of his backside behind the flowing fabric.
Clearly a Sephiroth fan, he was mugged in Treno and so could only afford the fabric for his Sephiroth cosplay to cover him from his chest to his shoulders. Still, he managed to complete his costume by repurposing Queen Brahne's bloomers, which he stole when he visited her chambers in a bid to offer her a weapon of mass destruction.

He adores his beautiful, silver locks of hair. However, he has an embarrassing bald spot which he masks with two silver feathers.


Not to break the flow, but Materia is so weird she deserves a double roasting. It’s as if Square Enix thought they were creating a character like Lelu from The Fifth Element, but instead ended up with a sentient washing basket.




Next one:
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Linnaete

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Next one:
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Choco-boco-linaaaa~

The economy is rough, especially when your only customers seem to be a trio of time travellers causing illogical havoc on the timeline. You have to do something extra to get more business, be it a very diverse range of products for a far more reasonable price than competitors nearby, or...well, dressing up like this. It certainly catches people's attention even though no one else seems to acknowledge Chocolina's existence bar Serah, Noel and Mog.

So Chocolina decides to be a cross between an exotic dancer and a questionable KFC mascot you'd expect to see standing outside yelling to the world about how delicious the Colonel's new boneless bucket chicken drumsticks are.

This avian ace goes all in on the motif. There's what appears to be a Chocobo headdress but it looks more like fried roadkill, which KFC's offerings may as well be. Behind her adorns an impressive plumage of feathers that I presume to be attached to either her bum or...whatever she's even wearing in her groin area. Seeing as Chocolina is canonically supposed to be that Chocobo chick residing in Sazh's faeces-ridden nest of an afro, I wonder how much of what we're seeing is an actual costume and how much of it is actually her...flesh?

Check out the wing gloves. Good luck pulling them off & putting them back on without any free hands to assist with. You know what else she can't easily do without available hands? Chow on some delicious KFC boneless banquet.

Next up on our catwalk of shame, we have:

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Maqui from FFXIII
 

Galadín

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Maqui is stuck in the 90s and can't quite decide if he wants to be an Rogue Squadron pilot or a DJ playing those sick beats on a Friday night. One thing he does know is that baggy pants are da'bomb! Especially when they hold your shoes in place, that's just neato burrito! Since there were no belts left in - well anywhere really, they all mysteriously disappeared one day when this weird lady needed to use them to wrap around her legs, Maqui figured that a tool belt was an awesome way to go! This way he could look like he had some use in the world while standing around with his hands in his pockets - rad right! Having said that, he was super bummed out when he lost his left hand glove, that really sucked screwballs since now he only looks half as cool when he shoves his hands in his nifty tool belt. It's all G though, 'cause whatever he lacks in the glove department he more than makes up for with that swell cover-your-nose-on-a-Winter's-day jacket vibe! Stake sauce right!?



Now for this adequate display of good enough:

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Thank you, I hate it.
 

Sashikiru

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Quistis looks like she is giving herself a wedgy since it appears you can see the top of her panties above the skirt.
The torso part is fine but gosh, the bottom half does not know how to dress. What even is that under that skirt? It's like Trouserssewn to leather boots. Kinda makes her look like a Fawn. Perhaps she knows Mr Thomas.

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Linnaete

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Ever since someone pointed it out to me that Eiko's lower torso and crotch area almost looks like she's naked under that...I can't unsee it and now I hate life itself. I almost want whoever designed the outfit & decided on the colour scheme to go to prison just for that even though I'm sure it was in no way intended. I hope.

The massive gap windows are pointless. Just make it an ordinary yellow overalls with some deep but not hollow pockets for oh I dunno, storing potions and various consumable items. Or just have it so the pink she's wearing underneath matches her baggy sleeves?

A belt fastened around her right leg for no discernible reason surely won't constrict blood flow and make running around pointlessly more difficult than it ought to be. And check out those massive Ugg boots. Eiko's diminutive and all, but has the feet size of Titan.

Next up we haaaaaaave

Cid Del Norte Marguez from FFVI

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Dionysos

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I wanted to wait until someone else had a crack at Cid here, since I've already roasted him fairly thoroughly (with the help of our editors) in our first issue of the Timber Maniacs magazine. But if nobody else wants to have a go at him, I'll just link it (page 71) as I can't think of anything new!

Next:
Cloud of Darkness, Final Fantasy III (originally).
Cloud_of_Darkness_Dissidia_NT.png
 

Linnaete

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Cid is clearly who Jake aspires to be when he reaches middle age. Dress up like a banana albeit looking like some giant yellow split condom with that ill-fitting anorak. Whenever a colleague calls him a "dickhead", they no doubt mean it in more ways than one.

Meanwhile he looks like he too is wearing pyjamas under that - like he had just crawled out of bed, noticed it was raining out and slipped straight into the yellow phallic anorak. Who needs lab coats when you can come in looking like a humiliated banana man?

Fortunately, the man has excellent moustache game. My suggestion to work on it and make it look like a more fabulous late 19th century or early 20th century German nobleman's moustache.

That version of Cloud of Darkness looks like the designer thought to himself, "what if a poltergeist...but sexy?"

To help accomplish that look, she's torn off large strips of her curtains and sellotaped them to her wrists and presumably to her back. Her wild, frayed hair tells me she must have just crawled out of bed after a wild night out. That's going to require a lot of conditioner later on if she's deciding to go out and about trick-or-treating with her hair in such a state.

Clothes in general are just passé. What do poltergeists need of clothing anyway? Cloud of Darkness confidently opts to utterly annihilate her BDSM outfit, reducing it to nothing but meagre scraps: one chunk on her right breast looking like some horrific black tumorous growth, while smaller scraps are sellotaped to her skin and over her left nipple. That'll prevent the regulators from giving this whole game an adult rating.

And what better sexy naked poltergeist look is complete without golden tendrils with heads & gnarly teeth protruding from her back? There's so much flexibility and utility to them. You can nourish yourself without having to smear your lipstick. You can also kiss your date with one of them to again avoid having to smear your lipstick. You can also use them on a man's [redacted; too vulgar]

Next up we haaaaaaaaave

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apps.35514.71891764139373790.b31f8372-7da4-497c-a3b4-be144871d14f.309fac40-a215-4ca3-ba0b-e5584efae273


Cup Noodle Noctis
 

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I don't have a ready image of it, but the paladin default gear in FF14 makes completely no sense. Especially the Stormblood one because at least the others had metallic pieces. But not only is the Stormblood one completely FABRIC, it, like the others, had a tiara as a head gear instead of a damn tank helmet.

Warrior gear and Dark Knight gear made far more sense.
 

Dionysos

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I'll critique two because the Cup Noodle one didn't get a reply.

Next up we haaaaaaaaave

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apps.35514.71891764139373790.b31f8372-7da4-497c-a3b4-be144871d14f.309fac40-a215-4ca3-ba0b-e5584efae273


Cup Noodle Noctis

What happens when you cross an Egyptian royal crown with a shameless product placement ploy? This is as ill befitting Noctis' head as it is the Final Fantasy franchise in general.
I wonder if the noodles and prawns, etc, are 'real' and edible. If so, perhaps it can be forgiven. Noctis, the 'Chosen King' can journey from town to town and feed the populace. There are thousands of displaced refugees (at least) from events both before and during the game, so there should be plenty of hungry mouths for him to feed.

If they are plastic, however, then what a plonker.


don't have a ready image of it, but the paladin default gear in FF14 makes completely no sense. Especially the Stormblood one because at least the others had metallic pieces. But not only is the Stormblood one completely FABRIC, it, like the others, had a tiara as a head gear instead of a damn tank helmet.

Warrior gear and Dark Knight gear made far more sense.

You mean gear like this?

Roegadyn-Paladin.png

It suits the medieval fantasy, almost Crusader-like aesthetics which the Paladin class specifically relates to (or earlier, non-official precursor Crusades anyway in Christian knights vs Saracens). Beyond that, would it stop a bullet? Would it stop a dragon's fiery breath? Would it stop a Coeurl's draining blast? You'd think not.

They might think that they are well-equipped in their blinding white fabrics dipped in holy water, and their fancy shields and ornate swords. But they do look a bit like what a Burger King birthday party kid thinks they look like when they sit there proudly in their fast food throne, with paper crowns and tomato sauce dripping onto their t-shirts.


***​

Next up is....

Dr. Tot.
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ArEmEe

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I served someone who looked like this recently. At the very least, an effort has been made. Good colour co-ordination, nothing clashes, though I personally feel that the hat is a misfired attempt to draw at least some attention away from, erm…

… face.

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