YouTube FFF Sims Lifestream Episode V: Woohoos and Coochy Coos

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"My very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba."

Readers may remember I read out reprinted an email from a lovely man named Ben Dover last week. He wrote to complain about the conspicuous lack of hugs, kisses and sex on our show. When he accosted me on the street, I calmly explained to Mr Dover this is a family-friendly web programme as we don't want to risk those impressionable kids taking a break from playing Fortnite for just two minutes to watch our content and walk away with the wrong idea. Mr Dover looked furious and I was convinced he was priming to swing a knuckle sandwich in my direction, so I responded by curling into a foetal position and sobbing. Mr Dover just looked understandably baffled.

"I wasn't going to hit you!" said Ben Dover, startled by the sight of me curled up terrified on the pavement, "I just look naturally angry most of the time. No, I came over to have a word with you, because you never responded to my email last week. I refuse to buy that your show has an obligation to provide we viewers with simply the most PG, sanitised content possible when you've had ample on-screen violence in the last few episodes already. No, I just think you're all a bunch of prudes with double standards who would happily look the other way when violence breaks out, only to clutch your pearls and conveniently think about the children whenever ANYTHING remotely to do with love, sex and romance as a whole comes up. So I came in person on behalf of all your viewers to lodge this complaint straight at you. We demand an end to cowardly curated PG-rated content. We want the full, unadulterated adult experience. We want to see the housemates indulge in physical pleasures so great they will literally start popping babies out. Plus, I've seen your ratings. Your last episode was immensely popular and most of it starred a precocious little toddler. You see what I'm getting at here?

"So I also came here to make a deal with you. I'm what you call an entrepreneur. I invested bigly in Bitcoin just before it became cool for everyone on the internet to bleat about it despite mostly having zero clue what cryptocurrency even is. Heck, I barely even know what it is myself, but I still earned a fat load of money from the selloff afterwards. I was thinking to invest most of my money into charities or in rescuing some struggling High Street shop brands to help stimulate the local economy again, but I've decided instead to invest this money into your show so I - and all your viewers - can enjoy all the Sims sex we want. Do we have a deal, homie?"

Of course I was going to accept this man's money! Granted, we may need to truly investigate afterwards to see if we haven't just accepted financial proceeds of crime, but for the time being one of our impassioned viewers donated money to us in exchange for a lot of love, passion, romance and sex on this programme. I consulted my boss about this and we've come to the agreement that we will give the viewers their wish. Oh boy, will we give them their wish. In fact, I almost feel obligated to preface this week's episode with an enormous warning sign, but where's the fun in that? So strap yourselves in (especially you, Mr Ben Dover) and get ready to see what exactly has made my skin crawl this week.

You may recall from last week all our Sims housemates are holed up in a high rise apartment block. The residents of both houses now live adjacent to each other and for some reason no one is at all concerned about privacy or safety, because the doors are rarely ever locked and any neighbour, postman and serial killer can merrily stroll in uninvited. This week we're SUPPOSED to focus on the Turtle Paradise residence and the following Sims:
But instead our "protagonist" of this episode will be none other than Queen Brahne, the tyrannical monarch of the proud kingdom of Alexandria where the women soldiers are decked out in leotards. Brahne, the ever-feared Butcher of Burmecia, who terrorised a peaceful continent with the klaxons of war, with genocides aplenty and the mass manufacture of deadly weapons of mass destruction...who are just simply Black Mages. Fortunately this version of Brahne seems to have retired. She's fallen sharply out of favour of war crimes and decides life is more ethically comfortable and fulfilling if she settles down and live peacefully instead of enacting forceful annexation after another.

I would also like to re-introduce a few guest characters this week:
We haven't actually got the permission of either Al or Fil to be in this episode, so there is a small chance they may choose to litigate. Fortunately, in the event we're sued, we have a watertight legal defence. It's called pack everything quickly and run for for the hills.

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What, you were somehow expecting me to come up with some form of 'The Empire Strikes Back' pun for an episode premise this ridiculous?

We actually have two parts of the stream this week, meaning I can waste double your time. Please, do thank me later. Also, as is usual for anyone with a YouTube channel, I must implore you lot to like, share and subscribe. Actually, no. Don't share this. Your friends will think you are bloody insane.

PART 1 - WARNING: INITIAL CHOPPINESS AT FIRST



DAY 1 - SATURDAY

12:26pm - Lord help us. Queen Brahne is here to visit the Turtle Paradise apartment. She's brought Al and Fil along, and judging by the latter pair's choice of attire, I wager both men have long given up on their dreams in life. Those shoots of hope and happiness excised completely, like a sustained era of drought turning fertile soil into an arid dust bowl just waiting for the warm winds to effortlessly erode them away.

12:56pm - I thought Brahne's retired from her conquest campaigns, but like every time I purchase a lottery ticket in hopes of landing myself a jackpot, I could not be more wrong. First on the annexation list is Adriano, and Brahne spares no mercy for the Italian Stallion, beguiling him with a brutally efficient Blitzkrieg of flirtatious pick-up lines and I imagine ample comments about the man's lovely goatee. Adriano, who by all accounts should be faithful only to his Dutch model/actress/singer Japanophile girlfriend, immediately falls heads over heels for what @Harlequin in real life called a Smurf Mr Burns. Granted, they both possess the evil trait, so their getting along is essentially like bread and butter anyway.

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Her eyes are up there, but Adriano doesn't care. His eyes are fixated only on her...necklace?

Also, yes. The stream at this point was experiencing extreme choppiness and lag from Mitsuki's end, which is eventually fixed after some tweaking at the options menu. So until the choppiness is dealt with, I can practically make up anything I want and none of you (bar Mitsuki, but what is she going to do about it?) can disprove my version of events to be anything other than an accurate portrayal of what really happened. Look, everyone! The roof of the flat has just opened up to reveal a hovering alien saucer, decked from top to bottom in an otherworldly, shiny chrome material! With a blinding beam of golden light exuding from the spacecraft, Al is caught like a wild Pokemon staring petrified into headlights and slowly pulled up into the saucer, where ET undoubtedly prepares to eagerly anally probe him.

...what? That could have happened. You just didn't see it. Which is a shame. I'd love to see Al be anally probed by aliens. Why are you all looking at me like that? No, that is not my fetish. I just want to revel in the schadenfreude.

1:23pm - That was quick! Based on what I can tell with each passing frame, Brahne gives Adriano a delightful present and he absolutely adores it. Presumably this isn't a Stefanie Joosten bikini calendar, so the only other thing this gift can be is an exclusive version of the Xenosaga trilogy for the PlayStation 4.

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Wait, is that literal money flying out of the box? Why would he need any more money? I bet the guy can already buy out a whole department store if he wants to.

1:45pm - Having just been freshly anally probed, Al seems to have returned to the flat as if nothing had happened. There is no sign of the aliens anywhere. Heck, no one seems to have any recollection of the aliens visiting and nor is Al at all aware of what has just transpired, which is mightily convenient. That said, Brahne is especially not very keen on her housemate and proceeds to call him a llama. Or maybe she calls his mother a llama. One of the two.

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Al: "I'd rather be a llama than be Olivia."

After this FFF.exe simply stops working and we're all left floating around in limbo. Maybe having to render Queen Brahne in all her glory is too much physical strain on the CPU. Maybe all the potential filth and debauchery we had lined up simply do not mesh well with the recording software. Maybe the aliens truly have returned to try and entice their former brood mother (Brahne herself) to return to the ship with them so they can all return to speeding across the Milky Way galaxy and consider their galactic annexation project together. Hopefully when the stream returns, Brahne will be nowhere to be seen and we can all return to a relative sense of normalcy with family-friendly content again.

3:40pm - By this time Kira, who has probably had her mind altered by aliens too, is really keen on getting involved in the conversation between Brahne and Adriano. Don't ask me what they're talking about. I don't know the language. I only understand the language of Brahne's crazy, fluttering eyes and exaggerated gestures.

3:56pm - At this point she may as well strip-tease on the spot, but Brahne instead decides to offer the dashing and smitten Adriano with another present, which I bet this time is now a completed version of Metal Gear Solid V with the third chapter included. Wait, no. It's actually a prank present, meaning inside it's actually a book on complex social politics. Rather than look profoundly irritated, Adriano approves, simply because he's never had a woman give him this much exclusive attention before without her uncomfortably running away after five minutes. As this occurs, Fil has just leveled up his comedy skills online, which to me just sounds like he reposted a funny meme on Discord he had found on Reddit.

4:25pm - The two lovebirds start openly flirting in front of poor Dan, who as you may recall was trying to get it going with the blue tyrant back in the very first episode. Poor Dan is already down on his luck. His criminal endeavours have failed to take off and his only respite from the crushing confines of disappointing everyday life has been to spend a week in Greece. Unfortunately he brought his pyromania with him to the country and accidentally started a series of devastating wildfires. Oops.

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This is also a great opportunity to see Tom wearing only a bath towel...said no one ever.

The pair also tenderly exchange phone numbers and embrace lovingly. Dan can't bear the sight of this heartbreaking treachery occur just inches away from him and looks considerably dead and despondent inside, perhaps wishing those aliens you didn't see could have whisked him away from this place straight into the nearest black hole. For now he is only content with the black hole inside him that is his heart. There is nothing left in there. There is no warmth and no fire. It's long sucked in any semblance of positive, happy matter left in his inner universe, leaving nought but a barren, inhospitable void of pure, inescapable darkness. Man, I am proud of those few sentences. They should be overly corny and dramatic song lyrics for one of those slow piano ballads about heartbreak.

Things turn doubly awkward when the blue behemoth plops her enormous arse onto the seat right next to him. Neither have anything to verbally say to each other, but the body language tells the whole story. Dan can only shuffle uncomfortably, his eyes determinedly gazing at literally anything else in the room other than the personification of callous treachery perched to his right. Even Brahne herself looks decidedly awkward, as if for a brief while a tint of guilty conscience has overcome her. But this is Queen Brahne. She never displayed any regard for human (and rat) rights when she laid siege to Burmecia, Cleyra and Lindblum, so why would the heartbroken tears of a single man move her now?

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"Hey, baby. I've a lovely package down here."
...types Al on his computer as he peruses through Tinder.

5:14pm - Stage 1 of Brahne's conquest tactics is successful. It's time for her to move to Stage 2. She lines her engorged lips with that of Adriano's and for a split second I'm convinced she's about to assimilate him, but she simply takes the initiative and kisses him straight in the goatee. Adriano is taken by the initial shock and his puppy eyes widen dramatically in surprise, as if he's just seen Nintendo announce MGSV's Quiet would be a new addition to the Super Smash Bros Ultimate playable roster.

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Now excuse me while I go puke uncontrollably somewhere...

Twelve minutes later, Brahne pulls a mistletoe from her arse and dangles it above both their heads, tempting the moustached mafia mogul to join her for a sloppy serving of saliva swapping on the spot. There they stand, their lips mashed together, their tongues dancing in blissful unison to a melodious beat only they can hear. They tenderly hold hands and cuddle tightly, with Brahne taking this intimate opportunity to whisper sweet, seductive, sinful somethings into the young man's ear. As this public display of absolute disgusting horror that can only be cured by pouring bleach onto my eyes affection continues unabated, a tearful Dan can only watch. He's already mostly heartbroken, so why not just bite the bullet and be totally heartbroken? Even at 5:46pm when Brahne offers Adriano her favourite flower ever (a rose, naturally!), Dan cannot tear his eyes away. He is now a man obsessed. When you think about it, infidelity can be hot.

5:55pm - Queen Brahne has officially annexed Adriano and the smitten man is now her latest victim boyfriend. That was quick. Neither have even set out on their first date yet, let alone take the time to gradually get to know each other for any longer than half an hour. Imagine if a friend of yours visits a bar and meets a man or a woman and then half an hour later you inspect your social media of choice to find that person already in a relationship with the person they just met, along with 120 new photos.

So to celebrate the occasion, and because both are presumably still young and horny, Brahne and Adriano decide to consummate their newly formed relationship by finding a lovely private place to do the dirty deed. Naturally I'd suggest a nice hotel room away from any potential prying eyes, but Mitsuki (the puppetmaster controlling everything, not her Sim incarnation) instead attempts to make them do it in the bathtub. Why? Is this something you do in real life, Mitsuki? If it is, I don't want to know the details. It turns out in this game, Sims cannot do the deed in the bath, presumably because one Electronic Arts executive has never seen pornographic videos that take place in the bathroom before, even though prior Sims game supposedly allow it. No, everyone must do it in bed in The Sims 4, which is disappointing news for fans of public sex.

The pair attempt to claim one of the apartment's double beds for themselves, but LJ is already in the room on social media and Fil creepily walks right in. Upon seeing a fat, unattractive blue woman sitting seductively on the bed, Fil decides to do a 180 and walk straight out. That's a no from him. LJ isn't going anywhere however, so it becomes quickly apparent they're not going to get any business done in this room, much less this flat. So perhaps it's time to relocate elsewhere, preferably somewhere with privacy.

6:52pm - So they show up at Lavender Lookout, a semi-modest detached property in a lovely area on the outskirts of Simsville, which has yet to be bought out by some oligarch to turn into a polluting steelworks. This house is the residence of Fil, Al, Brahne...and for some reason King Regis Lucis Caelum of the Kingdom of Lucis and his son, the Crown Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum. It's quite a far cry from Insomnia for the latter two. Have things really got that bad after the Niflheim Empire invaded and took over the kingdom? Why is Noctis not living with his bros? What young adult would still willingly live with the parents instead of living the vida loca with his close chums? No Ignis around to come up with a new recipeh every five minutes?!

Oh, apparently this is a date for Brahne and Adriano. They only came here to screw, but the game interprets it as a date - meaning this is destined to just be a one-night stand.

7:45pm - The lovebirds climb into bed. Yes, Noctis and his old man are still downstairs so there isn't total privacy, but what are they going to do about it? Warp Strike upstairs?

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"My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old."

Brahne and Adriano then get jiggly under the sheets. There is a cacophony of high-pitched giggling and light moans emanating from under there. The bed almost wobbles and the sheets shuffle with the intensity of a hurricane blowing through the house. I cannot see what is happening under there and nor do I want to. Just imagining it is enough to tell me a benevolent God surely cannot exist, for no loving Father would ever allow a physical union like this to ever be possible. It also says "Queen is about to Woohoo for the first time" which is absolute rubbish. Am I supposed to believe that Adriano is this woman's first ever Iifa Tree to pump all that Mist into her kingdom?

8:34pm - The satisfying afterglow of a good Woohoo is quickly cut short when they almost immediately commence Round 2. It's at this point I've come to the horrific realisation that neither of them are using any form of protection. Adriano could be about to pass his genes on and breed. THIS IS WHY THE MAN SHOULD HAVE BEEN QUARANTINED FROM DAY 1, TO PREVENT THINGS LIKE THIS FROM HAPPENING, YOU FOOLS.

9:17pm - It says the date has ended unsuccessfully, which is odd, because by most metrics it was a success. They both got laid, which is the dream of most teenagers and early 20-somethings.

9:42pm - And we're back at the Turtle Paradise residence. And the first thing we see is Brahne move straight to her next conquest: Kira. To be fair, who wouldn't fall for Kira? Her 'noodle meep moos' can enchant anyone of whatever gender. Hell, even I would fall for Kira, which is a shame considering both our Sims are currently enemies. But anyway, Brahne goes straight to the point and holds out a lovely wrapped box. Kira's eyes widen intensely and her hands reach inexorably for this box of mysteries.

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"Oi, how come I don't get a present as well, Santa?!"

Tom wanders over, with fury etched on his face. He stares daggers at Brahne and at one point even clutches his head as if he's just realised a terrible, inequitable miscarriage of justice has befallen him. Could this man be jealous? Has he been bizarrely out of character again in trying to woo Kira only to find his efforts have yielded few results despite all the effort put in when this blue woman can just casually put his woman under her spell in five minutes? Or is Tom simply annoyed at not getting a present of his own? Why does Kira get all the presents?

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"OH RIGHT. When I gave you a cat as a gift, Kira, you were all awkward about it, because apparently pets shouldn't be gifts or whatever."

SHE LOVES IT! I DUNNO WHAT THE PRESENT ACTUALLY IS, BUT SHE LOVES IT. AT FIRST I WAS THINKING A CAT, BUT I DON'T THINK MITSUKI HAS THE ADD-ON FOR PETS, PLUS IT'S KIND OF CRUEL TO STUFF A KITTEN INTO A SUFFOCATING LITTLE COFFIN LIKE THAT. IT COULD BE SOUP, BUT WHY WOULD IT BE IN A BOX? OOOOOR...

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A pretend kitten it is then!

Tom's jealousy hits a breaking point when Brahne deliberately offers Kira a sexy pose, which kind of look like a walrus trying to tiptoe up to reach something. He storms off, most likely cursing to himself, swearing eternal revenge on the blue behemoth. Tom has devoted his time to perpetually annoying Kira on a daily basis, because in a bizarre way, he believes annoying her actually makes her happy. He will not tolerate Brahne stepping in and making a mockery of his considerate efforts by pulling off some cheap tactics such as this.

Now let's all enjoy a collage of Tom's jealousy together. Note his priceless expressions juxtaposed with Kira's almost child-like joy:

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Dear EA: fix your blurry screenshots bug already, you feckless shits.

11:20pm - Oh no. Brahne is hungry and is keen to feast on some meaty baps, so her next conquest will be the Human Hot Dog. I can feel my eyes twitch in desperation, as if demanding to be set alight if only to avoid witnessing everything to inevitably follow. My Sim may be a proud and hotheaded woman, but her personality is not a shield stout and hardy enough to repel the wily charms of this foxy blue maiden. Brahne produces a rose and hands it to the Human Hot Dog who looks utterly flushes and smitten. For God's sake, Olivia. Your real life counterpart doesn't even like red roses.

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RUN, YOU FOOL, RUN.

11:55pm - Now for the mistletoe kiss. On one hand, I'm proud of FFF for depicting a progressive, non-heteronormative romantic relationship on screen. On the other hand, it's a large blue woman with Mr Burns hair snogging a woman dressed as a hot dog. All I want to do is scream into my pillow. Surprisingly, Brahne is brazen enough to plant that passionate peck on Olivia's laps right in front of Kira, who has probably just made soup for all we know. As she casually prepares to feast on her veggie broth, Kira does not look fazed, perturbed or upset whatsoever. I guess soup really is more important than anything.

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Kieran: "pfft. A demonic blue woman sucking the soul of her victim out through her mouth. How quaint. I've seen it all before. Ohai, Kira. Lovely soup you're making!"

DAY 2 - SUNDAY

12:11am - Brahne plants the astonished hot dog yet another sloppy kiss and right on cue, Kira takes her bowl of...hang on, that's a bit too solid to be a soup - and walks straight past to enjoy her meal in front of the TV. But it looks more like she walks straight through the pair, so based purely on how the following screenshot looks, Brahne has successfully enacted a 2-for-1 conquest. Someone keep this away from Tom, for he'll frown so intensely his lips will evolve into a literal duck beak from all the pouting.

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Mmm...spaghetti carbonara. I think. Or it's just a plate of Donald Trump's hair.

12:25am - Brahne retires to a computer, no doubt eager to Google up a fresh new batch of seductive chat-up lines to use on her next few victims. In an adjacent room, Kieran is exasperatedly talking to himself? What’s he screaming intensely at? Maybe the stress of the day has got to him and he simply wants some outlet to vent his frustrations at, and what better than a wall? At least walls can't yell back at you...at least they usually don't. Or perhaps the man simply needs a long, tight hug. Brahne is more than eager to do her public duty and sidles up to Kieran presumably to try and console him. Unfortunately, even Brahne's supernatural ability to enchant has its limits and Kieran's unbending awkwardness becomes too unbearable for even her to bear. Immediately losing interest, Brahne turns tail and leaves Kieran to his own devices.

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This just looks more like a mother trying to cheer up her emo son.

1:27am - Brahne has yet to find any other man who will satisfy her, so it's back to her first hunk. Twenty minutes later, she and Adriano are back under the duvet covers. They care not that other flatmates are within earshot and these walls are likely made of paper. Neither are driven by reason at this point. This is simply an enjoyable activity as its most primal, as governed by nature itself...and let's face it, being caught while Woohooing is almost certainly one of Brahne's guilty pleasures.

I must admit, I'm somewhat impressed. The entire Woohoo takes up around fifty minutes of in-game time, which genuinely speaks favourably about their physical stamina and Adriano's ability to last when it matters.

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"My inner goddess jumps up and down with cheer-leading pom-poms …"
3:40am - Al decides to sit down next to Adriano. They both have a lot in common, with some similar tastes in video games. Maybe this is a good opportunity for both men to ask the other how their MMORPG exploits are coming along and whether they have any stories about disastrous random dungeon or raid parties they were unfortunately forced to be in. Instead, they immediately butt heads and do not get along whatsoever. Maybe Adriano is busy flaunting the supposedly elegant majesty of his MMO elf avatar again, to Al's utter annoyance. Perhaps Al has just insulted the honour of Adriano's girlfriend.

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"Your elf is as elegant as a Paissa."

There is a peculiar pong in the air. Both men notice an unpleasant odour at the exact same time. It appears to be the smell of smelly old boots, which to be honest, doesn't tell us much, because everyone in this flat is a smelly mongrel with little regard for personal hygiene. The hilarious thing is, Adriano and Al simultaneously (and I mean it literally) react to the smell with the exact same gestures at the exact same time. A North Korean military parade would be proud of this level of coordination.

4:20am - Mitsuki, who is now the latest resident of this flat to disregard personal space, waltzes straight into Tom’s room while the man is serenely asleep. Tom immediately wakes up, as if Mitsuki has tripped some form of alarm designed to jolt him awake. Now unceremoniously dragged out from his pleasant dreams and forced back into the cold, bleak harshness of reality, he inexplicably decides to strip down to his bath towel (when he's not even been in the shower or bath) and be a bro to Al. Al can only respond with an uncharacteristically muted reaction to the sight of a naked man whose dignity is only protected by a white towel around his waist walking straight up to him.

For some reason he talks about art to Al. What do you think you are, Tom? A fine, chiselled piece of statue art? If Tom were a statue, which one would he be? The facepalming Cain statue?

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Come on, ladies (and guys). Who wouldn't want that fine piece of art?

5:22am - Dan drifts in and out of sleep on the sofa in front of the TV. Why is it so difficult for him to find anything of worth to watch on television these days? All he wants is some fulfilling and historically accurate documentary on Ancient Greece, but all he can find is a litany of fake, overly dramatised "reality" TV shows to cater to he lowest denominator. Fil is in the same room and Dan starts yelling at him, as if it's somehow Fil's fault that the TV channels are full of such banal rubbish.

Tom comes in to watch sport. Which sport? I have no idea. It looks like basketball, because it’s one of his thought bubbles. Maybe LeBron James is playing right now. He enthusiastically chats to himself and suddenly a second thought bubble pops up - one that makes me shudder to my very core. 'NO FOOTBALL'. Instead he thinks fondly about cricket. Look, I know cricket is one of those bizarre British inventions that people abroad erroneously think we're all obsessed about (certainly not me - I have never watched a single game of cricket in my life, nor have I ever played cricket and know even a single rule about it besides the presence of a batsman with a bat to hit the ball before it knocks the stumps over), but why would you ever eschew football in favour of cricket? I know the standard of officiating during the World Cup was dire for the most part, but that doesn't mean you should swear off the sport altogether!

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"It's bullshit! Did that ref not see that headball?! WHY DID HE NOT GIVE A YELLOW? IT WAS BLATANT. Oh my god, how was that anywhere close to offside?"

As Dan and Fil are having a furious debate about music, Tom reverts to thinking about basketball. I'm starting to think the man is a traitor to his proud nation. Shame on you, Tom.

6:01am - Kieran in the background happens to be chopping vegetables and ends up slashing his own finger apparently because I can see him recoil in pain. He isn’t deterred though and returns to the veggie chopping. I appreciate that willpower to soldier on, but he's just going to drip blood all over his food, the tabletop and the floor. Dude, get that looked at. As this occurs, Tom also notices the dirty boot smell, returns to bashing the beautiful game of football and is now thinking fondly about baseball. I'd call for this man to be deported, but I think we're already in America...

6:23am - Tom and Fil now decide to be mean to each other. Maybe Fil doesn't take kindly to Tom's fascination with baseball of all sports, when instead he could be obsessing over e-sports gaming instead.

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Meanwhile Kieran has come to the culinary revelation that mixing blood with his food is strangely delicious. Maybe he can open a restaurant. He has so many gastronomical ideas...

6:36am - At some point bygones have to be bygones. Fil decides to be the bigger man and make things up with Dan after the two randomly started screaming at each other an hour ago. What better to make up for previous aggressive transgressions than by offering Dan a present? Dan excitedly takes the box and his mind whirls excitedly. What could possibly be inside? A brand new compendium on the history of Athens, Sparta and Troy? A copy of Assassin's Creed Odyssey before the game's even out?

No. You know Fil is never sincere. It's a prank present with a bomb within. The weapon goes off and an explosion of hazy green mist engulfs Dan's face, rapidly melting the flesh off his bones like in the finale of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Wait, hang on, that isn't right. <checks notes again> No, sorry. It's just a stinkbomb.

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I like how Fil willingly stands right in front of Dan, as if he believes the odour won't diffuse straight into his face as well.

All that's happened is Dan just unexpectedly inhaled a hefty dose of stink so potent it rivals that of an undergraduate dormitory kitchen. Dan is absolutely furious, less so because he's just experienced an unpleasant return to his university days when housemates would leave the kitchen in such a state that only an orbital bombardment of napalm was sufficient to "clean" the place up - but more so because Fil just pulled a fast one on him for the last time. It's time he stands up for himself once and for all and demonstrate to his enemies why he is not above manually tearing their heads open and feeding on their cracked skulls like a demon squirrel.

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You both have front row seats to this epic brawl and you decide you'd rather watch TV instead?

Danisaur VS High Mage Fil is now underway. Jeff, this is going to be a remarkable match-up. On one side we have a force of nature with the brute strength and willpower of a dinosaur and on the other side we have a wizard with a whole arsenal of magical spells so potent they can clear out a crowd without a hitch. Who do you reckon will have the upper hand in this fight?
Good question, Greg. The Danisaur is certainly not someone to be underestimated. What he lacks in strong arms, he makes up for with a vicious bite. It is said his molars are powerful enough to tear into aluminium and effortlessly tear off iron rivets. Should he land a bite into High Mage Fil, it could prove absolutely fatal to him. The loss of limbs and ample blood will be an instant game over and that is not an outcome he can afford. Fil will have to respond tactically and brilliantly. He could try and cast Slow on Dan for example which would grant him precious extra few seconds to prepare an Arcane Explosion attack.
Certainly. But as potent as his magic is, Fil has to focus on the casting. Most of the time he will not be able to instantly cast his barrage of explosive spells without a short casting time, which unfortunately for him is enough time for the Danisaur to use his muscular legs to pounce straight into Fil's face and gnaw out all his cheekbones.

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What's this? High Mage Fil decides this is no longer the time to live-action roleplay as a World of Warcraft mage. He knows the threat of the Danisaur is too wild and untamed for him to take it steady with the tactical use of spells both offensive and defensive, so he feels just resorting to basic fisticuffs is the most efficient, tried-and-tested method for this match.
I don't begrudge him for that decision, Greg. Fil has the Danisaur in a headlock a- OHHHHHHH. That was astonishing. While in that headlock, the Danisaur took the opportunity to sink his fangs straight into his opponent's arm. That was very naive of Fil, because he should have known he was exposing his arm to danger when he engaged Dan in the headlock. He is now writhing in untold agony - and perhaps he will need to consult a doctor about rabies treatment after this.

Yes, Dan just about manages to scrape a narrow victory over Fil, but at the expense of Tom whinging about missing a couple of reality show contestants doing god knows what, because all the noise from the brawl mixed with the literal dust cloud during the fight (someone has to really beat that rug clean, man...) aren't exactly conducive when you want to pay attention to the television. Fil meanwhile, likely ruing his decision to pick the fight in the first place, is left dazed and slightly confused, like your average Glaswegian at 5am on the street.

7:12am - Tired from that beating he just received from the Danisaur, Fil slumps to his knees and falls forward to the floor, which looks like the most uncomfortable sleeping position ever. I guess it's time for a good snooze to wear that one off.

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Olivia and Kira naturally rush over to see who won this one. Also, that TV doesn't even look like it's on, you fools.

8:00am - Brahne tries to woo Kira again. Kira doesn’t fall for it this time round and it gets a little sour between her and Brahne. Hey, that isn't fair. How come Kira gets a Sim that starts to more resemble her in real life? Why can't my Sim be smart enough to resist enthrallment?

8:30am - No doubt taken aback by Kira's ability to exert enough common sense to resist the allure of her advancements, Brahne hurriedly scurries off to find another easy prey to sink her teeth into. Luckily for her, Tom lives here. As Dan lays warm and snug in his bed (and Strawbeary costume), Brahne sidles up to Tom in the same bedroom and proceeds to beguile the lonely young man with her irresistible charms. Somehow Adriano doesn't even notice this happening and merrily strolls out of the room just as Tom offers Brahne a rose...wait, hang on? Doesn't that normally happen the other way round? Isn't Brahne supposed to give her latest victim a freshly plucked rose or...ah, never mind.

Not content with just offering his darling lady a rose, Tom goes one step further. None of Brahne's other potential and actual lovers have made a gesture quite like this. Somehow he manages to produce an expensive ring from his ass and hands the glitzy piece of jewellery to a besotted Brahne. Attached to this gift is a message, one that makes me cringe so violently it almost looks like I just had a seizure. The note reads:

"My heart leaps when you are near. I love you more and more each and every day."

Yes, he loves her "more and more each and every day" even though Brahne has only just started flirting with him barely ten minutes ago. I'm starting to think the humour factor of this message is lost when I think this ring and note were meant for some other woman. Tom had designs to gift something this extravagantly special (and cringey) to a woman he had longed after for a while, but this vile temptress has dissipated those plans entirely.

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Adriano: "I'm just going to leave you two alone now to do totally innocent and 100% platonic things!"

9:30am - While Fil is sitting on the computer inches away madly typing on it like he's just discovered the dankest Reddit meme of the day to share to his online friends, Brahne plants a passionate pecker on Tom's lips. Actually on second thoughts, I think Fil is just feverishly telling everyone what he's just seen, which means the revelation of Brahne's unfaithfulness will almost certainly find its way to Adriano and crush his poor little heart.

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I love how Tom has his eyes closed during this kiss. Brahne's other victims just looked utterly wide-eyed with shock when they were kissed while Tom simply looks like he was absolutely prepared for this.

9:36am - Suddenly half the flat's residents walk into the room. Why? Is everyone fascinated or something? Are they all here to see this rare event knowing full well Tom may likely never lock lips with a stunning maiden like this ever again? Is everyone congregating here to congratulate the man for his stroke of luck?

9:51am - My worst fears are realised. The toilet calls for Queen Brahne, not because she needs a Number 1 or a Number 2. She has to puke down the toilet bowl, and it's not because she's consumed a dodgy salad. It's almost certainly morning sickness, which means she's pregnant. Adriano, as the only man so far to get busy under the sheets with her in this episode, is inevitably going to be a father. This means he has successfully passed his genes on to a new generation of Adrianos and humanity has therefore failed to prevent this highly preventable disaster from happening. We have therefore doomed our children and our children's chidren - may they forgive us for our unspeakable failure.

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Tyler there, admiring just how much of a handsome man he must be. Not handsome enough for Brahne though. =(

As this happens, LJ from the other apartment texts Brahne (why would he even have her number? Did Brahne go after him as well at some point?) to congratulate her for getting it on with Adriano. This is extra hilarious to me considering the news must have spread like wildfire on social media by now that Tom and Brahne has just confessed mutual attraction for each other. Plus, why would LJ even sincerely care? Surely he must be mocking her.

10:14am - Brahne so desperately wants to get jiggly under the sheets with Tom, but there's the minor nuisance of other people being in the room, like Fil and Tyler. Hell, even Kira strolls in too, like an overly cautious mother poking her head into a room to check on her child and ensure they're not up to anything inappropriate or mischievous.

10:50am - Oh thank goodness for these lovers. Everyone else has vacated the room to finally leave the pair in peace. Brahne is utterly famished and ravenously beckons to her new man, purring like a wildcat. They both prepare to slide under the sheets to engage in elegant ecstasy. This will be their world now. No one can else can be a part of thei- OH MY GOD, WHAT TIMING. ADRIANO LITERALLY WALKS STRAIGHT IN...AS DOES TYLER, BUT THE LATTER JUST LOOKS UTTERLY CONFUSED, AS IF HE GOT LOST AND UNINTENTIONALLY WALKED IN ON SOMETHING HAPPENING. GIVEN HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO NOT NOTICE THE SEXY WOOHOOING ABOUT TO HAPPEN, ADRIANO NATURALLY BREAKS DOWN AND LAMENTS. TYLER CANNOT BE BOTHERED TO EVEN ATTEMPT TO CONSOLE HIM.

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Ah, man. Missed opportunity for a ! symbol to be inserted above Adriano's head along with the appropriate sound effect from Metal Gear Solid.

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Adriano: "I have never felt this personally betrayed since I learnt Konami locked Kojima in another room and didn't even let him finish his own masterpiece of a game..."

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Tyler: "There, there, umm...there's plenty of fish left in the sea? Yikes, I am really not good at this."

They clearly know Adriano has just walked in on them, but do they seem to care? No. There is no stopping this Woohoo choo choo train. While Adriano howls in despair, Brahne and Tom carry out the deed under the sheets unimpeded. Live in the present, think about the consequences afterwards once the raw sexual sensations fade away, that's the philosophy she appears to live by.

11:09am - Well. It's high time she will have to face the consequences, because the Woohoo has to end sooner or later - and in this case, quite soon, because Adriano standing there is rather distracting, and probably because Tom needs to work on his endurance. Brahne crawls out from other the covers to try and pacify the distraught Adriano and HE JUST SLAPS HER. SO SAVAGE. Now, as loathe as I am to see a man strike a woman like that, she kind of deserves it and it's downright hilarious to see.

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She kiiiiiiiiind of deserves it, to be honest.

Tyler looks on, shocked and appalled. No, not because he's just witnessed Brahne's sheer contempt for faithfulness in a relationship. No, not because he's just watched his flatmate get jiggly under the sheets with this blue behemoth. No, not because he's shocked by Tom's relative inability to last very long. It's because Tyler may have wet his pants, hence the awkward shuffling around on the spot.

For once in Brahne's life, her guilty conscience kicks in when the gravity of the situation finally registers. Adriano furiously storms out of the room. I have never seen him this upset and disappointed since he found out that a good number of the Super Smash Bros Ultimate characters on the roster are "dupes" that "waste slots".

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Is that a halo around Tyler's head??? I mean, Tyler is by default the most innocent flatmate in this screenshot.

Brahne realises that having the father of her unborn child storm out like that and potentially leaving her to take care of the demon spawn on her own without child support coming from him would be disastrous. So she chases after Adriano, in hopes of mending that betrayed and broken heart of his. I wager she's also motivated by the fact that Adriano would have lasted longer than Tom under the sheets, so there are other perks involved in keeping him. As she dashes out of the room, we can see Tom looking smug and dopey. That post-Woohoo afterglow is some good stuff.

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Behold. One of the very few instances where Tom's Sim actually looks pleased with himself. Don't get used to it.

At first the apology doesn’t go well at all, because a few pity sentences is nowhere enough to mend the newly formed black hole in Adriano's heart. You know who definitely wouldn't break a man's heart like this? Stefanie Joosten. Just as things seem hopeless, his common sense runs away. In front of the TV she takes Adri’s hand and whispers sweet somethings into his ear. Adriano, for no reason whatsoever, reciprocates positively, gesturing that he would gladly take the unfaithful Brahne back. The tables are turned and it is now Tom's turn again to experience heartache, for sees this and reacts very disapprovingly.

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You are all complete and utter idiots. Tell them, Tyler! You are the only sensible and responsible person here!

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See? I told you not to get used to the sight of a happy and content Tom. Whenever he finds a small smidge of happiness, it dissipates quickly. It's a scientific certainty.

12:05pm - THAT WAS QUICK. Within an hour of that slap, Brahne woos Adriano back so thoroughly and so effectively that they both tread back into that same bedroom for an apology Woohoo time. Yes, the same bedroom. On the same bed. The bed that as far as I know, hasn't been cleaned, so it's still the same sheets. That is absolutely disgusting. I don't even think Tom would willingly lie in that bed again after leaving such a mess behind. I wonder what it must feel like to do a Woohoo with Queen Brahne. It must be like trying to do it with an obese, sultry Asari Matriarch.

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"Yes, this bed is in a bit of a state, which means it's as clean as your average hotel room bed."

12:58pm - Man, that Woohoo has lasted a good while. Take notes, Tom. This is what you should aspire to be. Brahne does wander into the toilet for another round of morning sickness puking though, which is yet another morbid reminder that humanity is doomed the moment her spawn comes out.

1:09pm - If she can mend Adri's broken heart by simply sweet-talking her way into a pity Woohoo with him to fix everything, it's understandable why she believes it can work again. So let's try it once more! This time she decides to rekindle her old flame, Dan, whose insistence on wearing the Strawbeary costume isn't exactly conducive when it comes to finding new potential dates. Undeterred, Brahne eagerly goes to work her magic on him, but the bear has to urgently visit the toilet - and hopefully well in advance, because it's going to take some time to get out of that bear costume before an unwanted accident happens - and the vibe suddenly turns doubly awkward when morning sickness strikes again and she gags, feeling somewhat queasy. After Dan leaves the room, Brahne is free to let off a disgusting belch at 1:49pm. Who knows what deadly plaguespreading toxins she's just unleashed. It is but a minuscule preview of the true might of what her demon spawn will be capable of.

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FFF Sims Lifestream in a nutshell.

3:03pm - By the time Brahne has been in the kitchen for a good ten minutes, serenely chopping away the vegetables to fix herself a lovely, healthy and nutritious lunch for herself and for her growing baby. What shall she make today? A lovely, warm vegetable broth? Kieran, no doubt wondering why on earth this flat is allowing what is essentially an uninvited serial seductress to wander into this flat and dwell in it like it is her own place, comes over and demands to know what on earth she's doing. How dare she be able to expertly chop vegetables without slicing her finger like he did from earlier.

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"Those are MY tomatoes! *I* got them for a great deal with my Tesco Clubcard! Go do your own grocery shopping!"

Brahne immediately activates her natural self-defence tactical manoeuvre: her sexy charms. If it's worked on multiple men and women in his house already, why the damn heck would it not work on this scrawny brat? Somehow, Kieran has full immunity to this beast's pheromones and exhibits absolutely no tint of attraction to her, culminating in Brahne having to sadly concede that her superpower has certain limits.

3:43pm - Kieran comes back to find her STILL hanging about in the flat's kitchen! No doubt she's done more than chop his tomatoes; she must have used up nearly every ingredient of his already without his express permission! Whatever it is she's done, he's had enough. He orders her out, as in, to LEAVE THE FLAT AND NEVER TO RETURN UNLESS KIERAN'S COLD, DEAD CORPSE IS SIX-FEET UNDER.

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I don't think that's where the front door is, mate. It looks more like you're telling her to go to her room and think about what she's done.

4:08pm - A dejected and pregnant Brahne now stands stranded in the hallway outside the flat. Typical. You have plenty of Woohoo fun with some of the men, but neither will step up to the plate and put their heads on the block to argue for her to be re-invited back in, the spineless cowards.

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YEAH WELL, YOUR FLAT STINKS OF URINE AND SMELLY BOOTS ANYWAY!

DAY 3 - MONDAY

I feel it's best to cut forward a little, because I don't want to regale you with tales of what Brahne did after her unceremonious eviction from the apartment. After all, we're here to see the goings-on inside the Turtle Paradise residence.

12:42am - Still wrestling with the pain of feeling betrayed yet again, Tom crawls into bed, slides under the covers and just sobs audibly. This is the perfect visual metaphor for what he's currently going through. How can he trust another person with his heart ever again when they will simply pluck it straight out and squeeze it, like someone squeezing an orange for its ripe and sinfully smooth juice? This world where only he belongs in and is safe in - under the duvet cover - is his solitary cocoon. In here, no one can hurt him ever again. If only he can stay in here permanently, safe, warm and secure. But he does eventually leave this cocoon to do some sit-ups because...I guess at the end of the day he's still living in a shared accommodation with flatmates and he has to maintain appearances. Plus it's no good being in a cocoon if it doesn't build up some much-needed body mass and muscle.

To add insult to injury however, Olivia climbs into the very bed he was just lying in. Good grief, Olivia. At least get your own bed - preferably one that isn't soaked with the remains of the Woohoos from earlier. Furthermore, you're lying in a bed that's wet with Tom's salty tears.

1:18am - It is time for an epic verbal confrontation between Adriano and Tom. Both men have seen action under the sheets today and both men have been played with today. Rather than come to the mutual realisation that they were both used as casual playthings by a common enemy with proclivities for unfaithfulness, the two decide to lay all the blame on each other for the day's transgressions. It's about as constructive as a heated political debate on live television. Though Tom does give in to his charged emotions and briefly sobs on the spot, Adriano offers his opponent absolutely no quarter whatsoever and throws his drink at him.

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"zZZzzZZ...ohhh I can <mutters incoherently> taste Tom'zzZzz zzZZsalty tearzZZzzz"

This splash of...whatever he was drinking is enough to rouse Tom from his state of utter self-pity. Now is the time to fight and assert his own strength as a man of worth. No more tears and cowardice. This is exactly the medicine he needs to get back in the game and prove some measure of dominance.

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Olivia: "OH MY GOD, NO WAY. I GET TO COMMENTATE OVER A FIGHT, EVERYONE!"

2:03am - The epic showdown ensues. This match could go anywhere, ladies and gentlemen. Please head down to your local bookies ASAP to place your bets on who the winner may be. You could be in for a chance to win a decent chunk of change for the pennies you put in!

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Helloooo! My name is Olivia Linnaete and I will be your commentator for this particular match today. Well, what can one even say? Both are in their sleepwear and they're duking it out over a fat blue woman. You couldn't make this up at all! First off, Adriano goes straight for a barrage of slaps, swinging his palms straight into Tom's face, neck, shoulders and arms at the rate of semi-automatic machine gun fire. Tom has no idea how to react to all the slapping and can only take up a defensive position with his knees bent! This isn't looking good for him at all! When you allow Adriano to dictate the pace of this match, it only spells trouble in the end, because he is as persistent as any I've seen.

But not all is lost for Tom! Never count Tom out, because he's built and ready for this. He's done a few push-ups prior to this, after all. That's all the pre-match training a man needs to launch effective counterattacks when he's in a pinch. And boy, does he do just that. LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL ELBOW. IT GOES STRAIGHT INTO ADRIANO'S STOMACH AND THAT KNEE RIGHT INTO HIS GROIN IS SENSATIONAL. OH ADRIANO WILL FEEL THAT IN THE MORNING.

Adriano cries foul and frantically looks around for the referee, claiming this match needs solid officiating. However, the referee for today is <consults notes> Tyler Shu, who is currently asleep in the other room. So technically the referee didn't see any of this and those moves by Tom are therefore legal! This is all Tom needs to continue his brutally efficient counterattacks. Lord Almighty, these counterattacks would put the Belgian national football team to shame. Lukaku? Pfft. More like...Pookaku, amirite?

I have just been told I've been fired from this gig as a match commentator...

So ultimately Tom just about triumphs in this battle for Brahne. His vanquished opponent can only stagger around dazed. When word reaches to Brahne of what Tom has accomplished this evening, who knows? Maybe Brahne may offer him a second chance to impress her under the sheets.

2:34am - A triumphant and confident Tom, Kira, Dan and Mitsuki congregate to have food and perhaps to reflect on the absurdity of the day’s events. Also, has everyone quit their jobs or have been fired from their occupations? If the labs fired Tom, I shouldn't be too surprised, as he's the sort of person who would casually create for fun a killer plague virus capable of infecting every human in the world in the space of a few weeks. Kira no longer working in the hospital is good news at least, because I wouldn't trust her to help deliver a baby. It seems Mitsuki is the only one who works…as…something.

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"Heh, wow! I had the strangest dream, guys. I dreamt that we had a big blue woman come in here and violate half of us. I know, right? What sort of messed-up shit is that?"

2:59am - Dan, who seems to be in a constant battle with his bladder this episode if he's not obsessed over heartache again, needs a pee and…does an arm motion like he’s trying to flag down a taxi on the side of a road? DUDE, JUST GO AND USE THE LOOS. A friendly flatmate is not going to give you a piggyback to the toilet.

3:25am - Kira has one of these rare moments when she genuinely does care about Tom, and noticing how down in the dumps he's been today, decides to take up the responsibility to try and lift the poor guy's spirits. Unfortunately for Tom, her idea of cheering him up seems to involve a practical joke involving a hand buzzer. What a shocker, eh? Ehh? (Alright, don't quit your day job, Liv.) Tom does take it surprisingly well. So well in fact, he goes off to drown the rest of his misery away in a hot bath. If it isn't evident enough, he is very sad. Not even the satisfying feeling of giving Adriano a KO could quell that torrential feeling of betrayal and emptiness rushing inside him. =(

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"Hi, Thomas! I'm Kira! Pleased to meet you!"

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Hello, darkness, my old frie- wait, I've already used that lyric several times

4:54am - The warm bath may have flushed away the sweat and dirt from his body, but the pain will never go down the drain. Tom awkwardly waddles into bed (the same bed that has by now seen plenty of Woohoo action and to my knowledge has STILL never been cleaned, because who in their right mind would go near it right now?) fully-clothed...only to get out moments later, appear to walk straight out of the room, then boom! He magically teleports back into the room but on the other side of the bed, then gets back into it fully-clothed (including his filthy shoes) to have another thorough sob. Poor guy. He's even trying to escape the Matrix somehow, but the systems gleefully keep him permanently entrapped. Now he can entrap himself beneath the sheets again, in his own cocoon world.

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Dan is on a message board right now and busy typing up a thread titled: 'Wooooah. I've seen a guy teleport. Has anyone else teleported before?'

5:27am - Unable to let that obsession go, Tom calls Brahne to hang out with her somewhere…but she’s apparently asleep somewhere, which is strange because there is clearly loud chatter coming from the other end of the phone...

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"Everybody betrayed me! I'm fed up with this world!"
"I'm tired, I'm wasted... I love you, darling!"
"If a lot of people love each other, the world would be a better place to live"
"YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, BRAHNE!"

Huh, you know, I could have just filled up this entire episode with quotes from Tommy Wiseau's magnum opus 'The Room'! Just have two characters chat in a tortured, uninterested tone to each other about banal careers-related stuff only for one of them to abruptly shift the conversation by asking the other "how is your sex life" from out of nowhere. In terms of dialogue, it's about as well-written as anything else on this show.

5:58am - The toilet sink has seen better days. By that I mean it's totally screwed up and is blasting a large jet of water everywhere, no doubt meaning our utilities bill at the end of this month will be absolute murder, especially when so few flatmates even have a job and bring in income anymore. Kira bravely soldiers in to test out her beginner level handiwork skills. If she's lucky, she can fix the thing, but I'd settle on her just emerging from that room alive, thank you very much. Thankfully, no disaster actually happens.

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IF I JUST POKE THE SINKHOLE LIKE THIS, I THINK THAT WILL DO THE TRICK, YES?

6:20am - Mitsuki, who is by the way one of the only flatmates in this place who is conveniently immune to Queen Brahne's advances, randomly wakes Olivia up from her sleep. Olivia is understandably a little furious because she never willingly wakes up at the crack of dawn, unlike Mitsuki. But the moment she ambles to the kitchen to grab a bowl of...what even is that, Olivia’s bipolar nature kicks in and she is suddenly happy. Talk about mood swings…

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Psychiatrist's note #3,046: "PATIENT IS F@#KING CRAZY."

7:40am - Ahhh, and we are back at the Lavender Lookout residence. Brahne has invited a few select guests over, including Tom. Sensing the man must have cried through the whole night, Brahne offers to do what Kira is unable to and REALLY cheer Tom up, but this time using a special, unseen method known only to the Brahne dynasty. She defaults to the art of sweet, seductive whispers into his ears and within minutes the pair are in bed together once again.

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That's not what Alexandria Castle even looks like!

Woohoo time to cheer Tom up? Woohoo time to cheer Tom up it is. Let's just hope for his sake it isn't over in five short minutes.

As the covers flap intensely like they're being handled by a hyperactive poltergeist (though there will be plenty of ectoplasm to boot, I reckon!) and the disgusting, squelching sounds of physical unity and pile driving ring out from under underneath, I can distinctly make out a loud "mreow!" sound coming from the Mother Cat. We know who's the dominant partner in this sordid relationship. Tom is merely a little bobcat next to the might and majesty that is Brahne's lioness.

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If you find yourself letting off fireworks when you finish, please consult your doctor immediately.

Tom's outdone himself. This is a Woohoo for even the heavily pregnant Brahne to remember, because Tom's sweet release is so impactful and atomic in its intensity it releases what looks like LITERAL FIREWORKS. Or maybe these are just figurative fireworks, to represent Tom's newfound celebratory mood. He's overcome his prior state of perpetual misery by enjoying a lovely shag and he's now a man reborn, like his personal world is welcoming in the New Year - where the promise of something new and better can come in and sweep away all vestiges of the old and the failed. I hope they're not literal fireworks, because Tom's body might have a huge problem...

8:46am - Post-sex selfie time! Because who wouldn't want a shot of you with Queen Smurf looking a bit disheveled after a passionate rumble under the sheets in front of a mirror where the bed can clearly be seen? Would you want this anywhere near your social media feed, let alone be a Facebook profile picture? I'd strangle Queen Brahne to death right now just to prevent her from posting this on Facebook and tagging me in it for everyone to see. You imbecile, Tom. Why do you think she will ever remain loyal to you?

Just after they hug, Tyler walks in at 8:56am to sit on that dirty, uncleaned bed and presumably casually ask what’s up...not caring to find out or ask what's down...

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One of you, caption this image for me, pls. I'm speechless at this point.

9:27am - While the three casually converse in a room that doesn't even have its windows open (and nor has it been air sprayed) to get rid of the overt odour of Woohoos, Miss Hot Dog waltzes in to say hi. Big mistake. Brahne, who by now is simply hoping the afterglow of a good Woohoo is enough to leave Tom in a state of ecstatic torpor to prevent him from realising what is happening, lunges at the Human Hot Dog, takes her by the hands, goes for a twirl with her, then one of those dramatic ballroom kisses. In other words, sexual assault. In a sensible world, that would be a clear prison sentence, and we have witnesses to testify against her. Does Brahne care? Absolutely not. If she could conquer a whole continent without fearing the long arm of international law, why should she start to worry about the law now?

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...nothing out of the ordinary here. Just a hungry woman feasting on an oversized hot dog. If America is known for one thing, it's making oversized food servings.

3:00pm - From 3pm to 9pm, Queen Brahne decides to host a house party! Unfortunately, it just has the atmosphere of a graveyard. Cheapening out when hiring for professional caterers and entertainers, plus the general awkwardness in the air with regards to what the shape of this love tetrahedron must look like culminate in one of the most disastrous parties I've ever seen. Here, let me count the ways:
  • Adriano spots Brahne doting lovingly on Tom again and is understandably a wee bit upset. Brahne, who still desperately wants that child support and still hasn't made up her mind yet as to which man gives presents the better Woohoo experience, runs after the Italian Stallion and plants a tender kiss on his lips, if only to temporarily placate him.
  • Ross is the hired entertainer for this party and umm...well, he's got Fil next to him to help start conversations a least. Conversations about cats, naturally.
  • I am very convinced the hired chef…isn’t very good. She’s just raining what looks like an entire shaker of pepper into…is that a fried toast in a pan? What would Gordon Ramsay do if he were here to witness this shoddy display? He would call her a donkey and frantically raid the fridge, just to see she hasn't stored the cooked meat next to the raw cuts.

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So an American, an Aussie and a Norwegian walk into a bar...

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Master Assassin King Regis boldly assassinates Templar Grand Master LJ Soulcorruptor in front of a gathering of people with a plate through the body instead of a Hidden Blade.

Overall the party ends in disaster (at least there's no fire!) by 9:45pm and the only consolation prize offered to the good Queen is a "gently used book". What does that even mean? How does one ungently use a book? By tearing out every page as they go? By pretending to be an Arcanist/Summoner/Scholar in Final Fantasy XIV and go smacking wild animals in the maws with a heavy textbook, just before the animal angrily shreds your book and half your arm into pieces?

DAY 4 - TUESDAY

We're really cutting ahead, lads! We're all waiting to see the results of Brahne's pregnancy, but she's having a considerably difficult time in trying to expel that spawn from inside her a little bit early without having to keep us all waiting for so long. Pfft. So inconsiderate.

11:00am - Fil is invited to give Brahne's engorged tummy a good feel and rub. Unfortunately the spawn within doesn't kung fu punch from within hard enough to give the High Mage a jolly good knuckle sandwich to the face.

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"AIIIIY, WEE LAD, OR LASS IN THA. CAN YE KINDLY GIE TH' FOOK AY 'AT TUMMY SAE UNCLE FIL CAN SEE YE?"

11:45am - Brahne, whose control over her biological faculties are now as effective as that of an octogenarian with a severe bladder problem, pees on the floor in front of Noctis and King Regis. Poor Noctis has never seen anything this outrageous since he saw the size of the car repair bill given to him by Cindy. For some reason, peeing all over the floor somehow also means she is covered from head to toe in what looks like manure.

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Seriously. She looks like she's just rolled in mud. Meanwhile Fil doesn't seem that bothered about his cute bunny slippers being drenched in Brahne's unholy urine.

3:39pm - The deafening blare of the fire alarm shatters the tentative tranquility of the house and by now I'm sure the next state can hear it. This means another silly soul has started a fire, because clearly these characters are incapable of NOT starting a potential inferno every other episode. It's not like California isn't already trying to juggle with the devastating effects of regular, out-of-control wildfires practically every year now.

The culprit is Al and now the kitchen stove is all ruined. Well, so are his boxer shorts with the love hearts. What a waste. Fortunately, the fire is quickly contained before it takes hold, but the stove has to be replaced for a hefty sum of $1,050. That money will definitely come straight out of Al's pay cheque.

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Noctis doesn't see what the big deal is. This is usually what happens to his friends in battle when he chucks a Fira grenade around.

DAY 5 - WEDNESDAY

3:00am - Brahne, who by now is crashing over at the Turtle Paradise apartment yet again, miraculously without Kieran forcing her out with a machete to the throat, decides she may as well enjoy the rest of her precious remaining pre-mother time as much as possible. Because my Sim is clearly lobotomised, Olivia stands out as the ideal target for Brahne to woo...hoo. To my unmitigated horror, my Sim nods along to every chat-up line hurled at her, so much so she compliantly follows Brahne like a drooling monkey into the bedroom - yes, the same bed from before. Surely by now the duvet cover is sticking to the bedsheets?

So yeah, another Woohoo experience. This time it's Olivia and a Brahne who looks like she may accidentally eject the baby from her like projectiles any minute now. At least there are no literal or figurative fireworks this time round, which means even this game acknowledges that I am no good in bed...

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That semi-pained look on Brahne's face COULD mean she's about to enter labour soon, or more hopefully it means she's made a big mistake and she will NEVER EVER attempt to Woohoo with Olivia ever again.

6:38am - Adriano creeps into the same room where Brahne and Olivia are sleeping to use the PC…and it literally breaks – its monitor is frying. What on earth did he do?! What kind of potent malware did he download that literally causes the monitor to fry?

8:25am - It just occurred to me there’s a death trap in the kitchen at the foot of the oven. It’s damp and has the crackling of electricity. I do hope no one tries to put a roast chicken in there or something, as the consequences will be a bit shocking. Somehow Brahne is immune to it, which is good, because only a moron like her would stand IN the spot and I don't want to be yelled at by any children's charities and foundations for making light of any potential harm coming to a heavily pregnant woman. Tyler’s trying to mop the water and I’m here thinking: TURN THE ELECTRICTY OFF AND THEN MOP IT, IDIOTS! I do notice Dan staring at the electricity for a while though, as if carefully contemplating who to kill.

Oh lovely, the utilities bills have come in and this flat owes...$3,452?! Very few of the flatmates are even working right now! Someone tell these lazy, entitled bums to get up and look for work - preferably in high-paying ones like financial advisors despite having little to no experience in such fields. The company threatens to shut off the flat's utilities if the outstanding sum is not paid in 48 hours. I hope some of you have workable plans to perform a daring bank heist round about now...

WAIT, ANOTHER PC IS LITERALLY FRYING AND BROKEN? WHAT DO YOU FOOLS EVEN DO TO THEM? DO YOU POUR WATER ON THEM OR SOMETHING? ARE YOU ACTIVELY TRYING TO GET EVERYONE KILLED IN HERE?

6:18am - Hallelujah! After what feels like an unbearable eon, Brahne finally goes into labour and it's time for a visit to the hospital for the actual delivery. No one else in here is equipped to actually deliver the baby. There's former doctor Kira, but I'd sooner trust her cat to perform heart surgery on me before I trust her to safely deliver anyone's baby.

6:41am - Ahhh, Brahne and Adriano arrive at Willow Creek hospital where the medical bills alone will bankrupt everyone, not just the two of them. Adriano can hardly contain his excitement. He wonders what beautiful babies he’s helped to produce. That's cute, Adri. Personally I'm wondering how long humanity has left before the otherworldly spawn that is about to see the light of day releases its spores and infects the entire population of the planet with an incurable plague. I am so glad I've invested in Vault-Tec, so I can get my own personal space in a nearby underground Vault.

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If I have to think of the most terrifying thing to ever come out of a person's mouth, it would be "I'M GOING TO BE A DAD!" from a fervently excited Adriano.

7:10am - LJ, ever inept with his timing, calls Brahne…to let her know there’s a party going on in the bluffs, and he wants to know if she can make it. That's a good question, LJ. Similarly I would also like to know if a woman about to give birth would like to skydive or participate in a wrestling match.

7:40am - Because we can't go for two minutes without discovering something absurd in the world of Simsville, Brahne climbs on and lies down on what looks like a weird CT scan machine but with a massive tube with holes and robot arms. Good lord, this looks more like an intricate torture machine. It looks like something the Emperor would use to put Anakin Skywalker into the Darth Vader suit. I am supposed to believe this machine, with inputs that have to be manually put in by a human operator, is going to safely deliver the baby without the obvious risk of killing either of them? The person tasked with making sure the machine doesn't turn into a horrific double execution machine today is none other than Lorelei, a medical intern. Because that always inspires confidence when you go into a hospital expecting to give birth - to be greeted by an intern whose technical command over a console machine will determine whether you will go home with a healthy baby in one piece, or in a grave 6 feet under. Not even a midwife?! You're going to rely on a machine? I take that back. I'll happily trust Kira instead.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS, THIS WHOLE SIMSVILLE PROCEDURE IS CREEPY AND RIDICULOUS. I'D BE SCARED TO DEATH BEFORE I EVEN SEE THE MACHINE. IT'S A MACHINE WITH ROBOT ARMS.

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NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOOOOOOOOPE.

7:55am - TWINS! This means there is twice the chance of humanity getting wiped out - or half the time it will take for the infection to be ubiquitous and total. So what do we name these two spawns of evil? Zorn and Thorn? That would be appropriate indeed. But no. Instead we go down the bizarre route of naming them after both of Brahne's male sexual partners so far. The somewhat ordinary looking baby is named Atom, which I hope isn't a coincidental allusion to the fact that the radiation he will emit one day will be as deadly as a solar flare. The other, a decidedly blue, very alien-like baby, shall be called Tadri. So this is how humanity will end: to two infants named Atom and Tadri.

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...nooooooooooooope.

It really is amazing how it all works. The childbirth can be done with just robot arms, the paperwork can be done instantly and the mother can take the newborns home within minutes of the actual birth! Not to mention it only takes days between conception and full childbirth in this world, instead of 38 weeks. Surely that deincentivises all forms of risky unprotected Woohooing, because a woman can accidentally find herself forced into one of these terrifying machines to give birth before the weekend even arrives.


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I don't know about you, but I am wrapping this episode up right here and right now, because I desperately need to run as far away from this show as possible. This episode is easily the MOST messed-up thing I've ever had to cover yet and I 100% blame Mr Ben Dover for demanding something like this. I don't care how much money he's given us. I never want to see anything like this ever again. Let's pretend this episode never happened after this week, please? Get those demon spawn babies out of my sight. Look, I'll bargain with you. I'll even treat Greeny with the love and care the kid desperately needs, because he's at least not...these two.

THIS IS LINNAETE AND I AM LEAVING. GOODBYE.

OR MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU LOT FOR EPISODE VI.
 
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Linnaete

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