Hello, darkness, my old friend...
Believe it or not, we do get emails and social media messages about our Sims show. Ideally feedback and messages of either joy or outrage reach Mitsuki first and foremost, but I've disgracefully also been granted the job of reading and replying to all our fans. What do I look like? A PR representative with actual experience in the field? But we'll worry about that in a moment. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to yet another installment of our virtual circus, where we put ourselves in the world of The Sims 4 and see which of us is first to end up on the Grim Reaper's list.
Hang on, I'm sorry. I'm being accosted by my boss at this very moment and she demands I actually read out (or rather, reproduce in text format) some of our viewers' thoughts and concerns about the quality of our show. If you know me well, you should be aware I'm thin-skinned and temperamental, to the extent that I would be one of the worst people imaginable to respond to viewers' comments and critique. You know those short video clips where celebrities gaze pensively at their mobile phones and are forced to read out loud "mean tweets" made about them by online trolls? Were I in any of those celebrities' shoes, I'd come out with such a nasty torrent of vindictive vulgarity my videos would never be allowed to air on any respectable TV channel. So for the sake of everyone tuning in to this week's episode, let's quickly get the comments and letters section out of the way and pray they're all glowing praise about this show.
I like your show very much and it consistently amuses me. In fact, it's prompted me to go out and purchase a copy of the game, which I never thought I'd say, because I've only ever been interested in playing Fortnite online with 12 year olds screaming expletives into my ear. Please continue making more of this show.
My problem with the show is: your commentary is way too verbose. It's too damn long. I see too much text, my eyes start spinning and my vision degrades into some funky kaleidoscope effect. Speaking as a fan, I hope you will reconsider tightening your script so you actually get to the point before the punchlines lose all effect.
Your show is as boring as hell. I can't believe you name-dropped Love Island in an earlier episode, because suddenly I had unrealistic expectations of what THIS show is meant to be. I was expecting to see housemates get straight to business, hopping away on each other like rabbits during mating season, but I've not even seen a single hug or kiss! What is this nonsense? How is a red-blooded dude like me supposed to get anything out of this show if it's so tame and bereft of love, nudity and sex?
And by nudity I mean the women! Not that ginger-bearded prick from the 2nd episode who dropped his pants by the pool!
ur a f@#king 'ack an' ur show is rubbish. u no wut i do when i play sims? i build a basement in me house thats like this prison yeh and i lure in sims victims in2 me house an' trap 'em in me basement. i give 'em no food, no bathroom, no sunlight an' no way out. i want 2 see 'ow many people i can kill in me house an' 'ow of'en the grim reaper shows up. i also want 2 do dis becuz i want to ask the grim reaper out an' marry 'im.
wut im sayin is, love, is that ur show 'as none of that an' it's borin'. 'ow come none of your sims r tortured? u dont even need 2 kill 'em quickly like i do. u just build a 'ouse with no toilet or bath an' watch as they all 'ave to s@#t 'emselves all over the 'ouse! MAKE SUMMAT EXCITIN' HAPPEN.
Okay, that's enough hate mail for the time being. Boss, we certainly don't need to read any more. There's nothing constructive in any of these messages! These are all trolls who have nothing positive to say about our show and would happily like to see it cancelled. I am not giving these trolls any more quarter. The next troll to send us these disingenuous messages will be...I dunno, I'll call the police on them or something. So without further ado, let's actually get the episode going.
We return to the Forest Owls residence, whose housemates you may recall:
- LJ Soulcorruptor (@Soulcorruptor)
- Tami Shivas (@shivas)
- Jake Ross (@Ross)
- Claudia Charmy (@charmy)
- Tia Ilyena (@Ilyena)
- Adam McGee (@Paddy McGee)
- Joe Sly (@sly)
- Green Sprout (@Sprout)
Once again, if you want to see this episode in video format without this author's biased, cherry-picked version of events, consult the following YouTube video. Heck, you may even find my version of events to be wildly different from your own interpretation of what is transpiring in that house! If you feel my write-up is in any way, shape or form wholly or egregiously inaccurate, please forward your concerns to: firstname.lastname@example.org
DAY 1 - THURSDAY
9:28pm - AND WE'RE BACK TO THE LOVELY FOREST OWLS HOUSEHOLD IN THE SUBURBS OF SIMSVI- wait, hang on. This isn't the sight of an idyllic, affluent neighbourhood. This is the hallway of a high rise apartment block in the middle of the city, overlooking the grand, majestic vistas of a sleepless city where the lights always shine in unison with the dancing moonlight. Why is this lot here? Did something terrible happen to their property, forcing them to move to an apartment block as the next best option? Were they evicted from their home by the vindictive spirits of those who considered the land their rightful ancestral home? Or did some conniving capitalist profiteur with a keen eye for investment manage to snatch up their entire neighbourhood, demolish every building down and convert the land into some garish amusement park? Or did Jeff Bezos visit the neighbourhood, keen to sacrifice a good two-dozen homes in order to build a brand new Amazon logistics warehouse where more employees can be underpaid, mistreated and overworked under gruelling conditions before automation finally replaces them?
This isn't some queue to get past airport customs, you fools. Wait...what happened to Sly? Did he get this done, or did a savage creature actually leave scratch marks all over his delicate visage and arms?
At the outset, it appears toddler Greeny has soiled his nappies again (diapers for my American audience!). Adam, no doubt overcome with bitter regret for that one-night stand a couple of years ago, is forced to deal with the aftermath of his son's atomic bomb. Adam forsaking his dignity to change his son's nappies is the perfect advertisement for birth control products.
Before anyone even enters their new apartment property, Adam and Joe Sly (whom I will continue to refer to as 'Sly' because firstly I am not used to calling him Joe, and secondly, to call him Joe would strongly imply I have repressed feelings of affection for him, and there's no room for affection or love in my cold, barren heart) immediately despise each other. I have no idea why. Did Adam do nothing while his son uncontrollably puked on Sly earlier? Or were those "scratch marks" actually the result of a feral Greeny clawing at him for reasons unbeknownst to anyone but an undisciplined toddler? Or maybe Sly simply finds endless faults in Adam's shoddy excuse for responsible parenting. I mean, we ARE talking about a man who thought it would be appropriate to bare his pale, naked buttocks in front of the women at the poolside in the other episode...
Meanwhile, Jake Ross (whom I will refer to as Ross, because...I just don't want to call him Jake) and Tami are now good friends. Last time we saw Tami excitedly stare at Ross's nails, as if proudly examining her own handiwork. I can easily believe that these two fairly attractive Sims are taking those careful, organic steps to at least reach first base. Heck, it's just lovely to have two housemates getting along closely for once, instead of butting heads and resorting to fisticuffs in the kitchen.
9:39pm - Remarkable! Technology can do so much these days. Using only his mobile phone, LJ makes a few swipes and in an instant finds a job as a Lab Technician at FutureSims Labs. That's right! At nearly 10pm on a Thursday evening, the HR department responsible has decided to immediately award this man a job despite little to no signs of an actual application, academic credentials, references or an interview. The employment contract magically creates itself in seconds and LJ shall start his new job at 10am the following day. I really do wonder what sort of science an organisation called 'FutureSims Labs' engages in. Research into unprecedented avant-garde methods to drastically improve a Sim's quality of life? Or is it something horrific, like creating Sims centipedes?
9:46pm - Now undoubtedly fired from his job as a cocktail mixer in a nearby bar, Sly easily changes career and will now pursue an action-packed new gig as a Field Agent for a nondescript secret service agency. This means he could potentially be the Human Hot Dog's colleague. I wonder what has prompted Sly to take up this career of all possible choices. Do you think he has an unhealthy obsession with a certain neighbour and feels being her colleague is the capital method to get close to her? Or does he genuinely seek the thrills of spy life? Who knows. But I'm slapping a restraining order on him ASAP.
9:49pm - Kira emerges from the Turtle Paradise apartment residence to take out the trash in the communal hallway. No doubt she is wondering why the other flat’s residents are all hanging about in the hallway like they're waiting for a tour guide. I’m surprised it's Kira of all people who has been successfully talked into doing something as menial as take out the rubbish.
10:20pm - Wait, hang on. What on earth is even happening in the Turtle Paradise residence? A strange odour emits from their flat, pungent enough to be visible to the naked eye, resembling a thin cloud of noxious green haze. Literal love hearts emerge from through the door and is complemented by the sound of sinful, sultry music. Naturally, one of the Forest Owls flatmates should knock and angrily demand to know what's happening, or someone can simply ask Kira. Maybe Kira took the trash out as an excuse to just get out of her apartment, knowing full well it has descended into diabolical debauchery in there. I don't blame her for finding any tiny excuse possible to leave that particular hellhole. I can see it now. I picture Tom singing the worst rendition ever of an 80s love ballad followed by waves of dead crows tumbling down from the sky like it's one of the plagues of Egypt.
10:30pm - Oddly, no other flatmate seems perturbed by the potential goings-on next door. It is up to Tami to deliver justice. Irritated and now very cross, Tami marches up to the door of the Turtle Paradise residence to tell her neighbours to knock it off. Her fists will do the talking, and this door will certainly know the full brunt of her determined, angry blows.
10:40pm - What a curious sight. I spy a Tia stalwartly play with Lego bricks next to Greeny's bed. Perhaps this is the only way she can think of to express her creativity. Or perhaps she is simply encumbered with crushing boredom and overcome with despair at the realisation that they no longer have a personal pool and Jacuzzi of their own, untainted and unsullied by lecherous strangers who share this apartment block with everyone here. Hey, Tia. Lego bricks are only useful as weapons. I highly recommend you lay the bricks out on the floor and hope one of your least favourite flatmates trample on them barefooted in the middle of the night.
Meanwhile, Adam vainly attempts to entertain his son with card tricks. Adam, I don't think your toddler son is in any stage right now to learn how to successfully Synchro Summon a Dragunity Knight Ascalon or even play Yu-Gi-Oh in general, you moron.
It's just occured to me, the Sims written language looks like an unholy mix of the Cyrillic and Korean scripts.
11:01pm - Having spent all of last episode seeing strong personalities in a dysfunctional household fight one another, it's a refreshing sight to see relatively well-adjusted friends sit together with food in the lounge to enjoy a late night talk show on TV together. We have LJ, Sly and Claudia dressed in...
...wait, hang on. What is she wearing? Nothing matches. Her woolly hat is an abomination. Her yellow tights are worse. Her footwear's out of place. Her thick-framed white glasses tell me she should honestly have gone to Specsavers. She simply looks like she was thrown through a clothes retail store from one end and emerged from the other looking like this. Maybe this is just the new Instagram craze? Maybe users of that social media website are now obsessed with counter-culture fashion statements, and that a chimeric mess of an outfit posted online is somehow a way to fight back against the system? Yes, take that, society. Who are you with your social customs and norms to tell me I should put in some effort to make myself look presentable in public with even a modicum of cohesive fashion sense? We can wear whatever the heck we want!
If Claudia wants to, she can utilise the strength of her Instagram following to truly drive popularity of her anti-fashion statement up. Maybe she can even market this look to all the young people out there who feel the system should be smashed (just don't smash it too much that it ruins their way of life though!). Imagine selling apparel as abominable as what she's wearing right now for an exorbitant price. After all, if Kanye West can use his brand name to flog plain white t-shirts for a small fortune, why can't she? Oh, right. She's not quite Big Yeez himself.
It's also very counter-culture to hold your spoon like it's a knife.
11:06pm - Kira enters the apartment unannounced. Rather than evict the daring intruder for her unsolicited presence, no one appears to notice as Kira breaks out into a sick dance routine behind these three as she approaches the jukebox.
11:15pm - Tami is inconsolably furious. Goodness knows what has incited this level of incandescent fury out of an otherwise cheerful, mild-mannered young woman. Maybe she also misses having a personal swimming pool, hot tub and steam room to relax after a long, arduous day of...whatever she does for a living. She storms into the room where Tia is still perplexedly working on her Lego equivalent of the Mona Lisa and does the most rational thing possible when angry. Tami starts screaming hoarsely at the large teddy bear next to Greeny's bed. Poor teddy bear. What has it done to deserve Tami's ire? The poor thing has to live a miserable, non-sentient life of just sitting in that room watching the world go by with zero way to reciprocate or join in. He's stuck there as a fluffy shell, unable to love in return, and now unable to be loved. We may as well put this poor creature out of its misery.
Mitsuki the Puppetmaster of this entire Sims social experiment decides to bestow upon this wretched stuffed bear a name. But what kind of name best suits a bear of this calibre? Baloo? Ursaring? Winnie the Pooh?
Lego is hard, so much like the current US administration, Tia has to consult a complex instructions manual on how to build a wall.
Lego is hard, so much like the current US administration, Tia has to consult a complex instructions manual on how to build a wall.
Nope. Mitsuki decides the bear shall be named Shithead. Its life is demeaning enough without its identity now so intrinsically tied to a given name like Shithead. You guys HAVE seen Toy Story 3, right? You do know the main antagonist of that film is a teddy bear who mistakenly felt abandoned and unloved by his owner? Do you really want to risk Shithead gaining sentience, rising up and eventually command a whole legion of loyal toys in secrecy to wreak revenge on those who have wronged him?
11:27pm - Oh, what is even happening in the lounge now? Toddler Greeny seems thoroughly fed up of Adam's continual efforts to teach him how to draw all five pieces of Exodia the Forbidden One in Yu-Gi-Oh and would rather much have nap time. Not sensing the child's desire to simply sleep after a taxing day of baby tantrums, Kira mistakes the child's discomfort for boredom and deigns it necessary to try and entertain him by dancing in front of him. I am sure the kid appreciates your two left feet, Kira. Claudia is also compelled by the power of dance and takes stage front and centre with moves that have garnered her a considerable following on Snapchat. Tami simply looks on bemused. Perhaps screaming expletives at a poor teddy bear minutes before did the trick and has cooled her jets. Adam meanwhile simply looks dejected, as if disappointed by the prospect of not being able to play a card game with his infant son for a while yet. Or he feels insulted, because none of his neat card tricks have impressed the kid.
DAY 2 - FRIDAY
12:09am - No doubt eager to win some awards for adequate parenting after his embarrassing show a couple of episodes ago, Adam tucks Greeny into bed, but the kid suddenly finds it a struggle to stay still, let alone sleep. I don't blame him. People are casually wandering in and out of the room for no reason - as if they're prospective buyers checking out a property room by room. Tia is still in the room working on her Lego masterpiece. Tia, it's been hours and you're still at it. Yet still you can barely construct anything resembling a house with those multi-coloured bricks.
12:37am - I am fascinated by this newfangled new immersive AR holographic technology in the apartment. I see LJ standing on some pad that generates holograms around him that depicts some kind of Tetris game with simple cubic blocks instead of the odd, random shapes you get in ordinary Tetris that actually make the game challenging and compelling. Here, I just see multicoloured blocks stacked on top of each other, almost like...Tia's Legos. My god, does this mean in the Sims universe, both Tetris and Lego are one and the same? Is this where traditionalists continue to enjoy the simple joys of physical bricks while millennials and Generation Z indulge themselves in a holographic AR game where their own kinetic movements with no controller necessary is somehow precise enough to build all the Lego walls they want? Sounds like such good fun. Why do we need any other video game after this?
For some reason this game hasn't received a very good score on Metacritic and I have no idea why.
Meanwhile Ross feels highly uncomfortable. I think he just needs to answer the call of nature. Dude, just use the toilets. As far as I'm aware, no one has yet to clog them, though I'm sure Adam and Greeny will both give it a good, honest go.
1:04am - Claudia gasps. She's overdue in uploading a new Snapchat video of herself doing something awesome. She cannot possibly keep her followers waiting. They expect a constant feed of activity and insight from her, no matter how banal. So she decides to exhibit her athleticism while still dressed in her counter-culture outfit in front of the jukebox by performing an impressive backflip unaided. Impressive! At this rate the Kardashians can eat their heart out when they notice the new trending queen on social media outlets.
One of my deep-seated fantasies is imagining Sly kowtowing on the floor in front of someone, but unfortunately Olivia isn't in this screenshot so I only get a partial kick out of this.
Sly finds himself captivated by that flip. It looks challenging and potentially very dangerous if the attempt fails, but how difficult can it be? Surely if Claudia can cleanly perform one with barely any effort, he can replicate it perfectly and then some. He leaps into the air and spins backwards only to land head-first into the floor, no doubt shattering his spinal tissues, ligaments and neurons, thereby rendering him permanently paralysed from the head down and...owait, no. He's fine. False alarm, everyone.
Thank god. None of these housemates have proper medical insurance anyway. The full ambulance and hospital trip would have used up valuable money we could instead use to purchase more unnecessary 3D holographic Tetris games.
Claudia, no doubt bemused greatly by her imitator's failure, attempts another flawless backflip only to fail in the exact same way as Sly, landing head-first into the solid tiled floor. What a convenient miracle it is that neither of these jokers have broken their necks. Unfortunately, when you have a very impressionable audience of teenagers following your every move on social media, I am willing to bet a good number of them are rushed to hospital right now, with critical injuries after slamming head-first onto concrete.
Let this be a lesson, kids. Your online idols are often just as uncool as the lot of you.
1:43am - Thankfully we have at least one child who isn't party to both Sly's and Claudia's irresponsible display of self-endangerment and wanton disregard for health and safety. Greeny is at last fast asleep - not in his own bed, but on a chair overlooking the serene nightscape of the metropolis outside. This raises the question: does this apartment not have curtains or blinds? All these windows are ultra-modern in design, stretching from ceiling to floor and the place resembles a high-rise office block than any apartment I've rented before in a big city. There are adjacent high-rise blocks with residents that can easily see everything these flatmates are doing with the naked eye. Is no one concerned about privacy? What if two flatmates in love decide to get down to business? I wouldn't be comfortable with it if there's ample chance of voyeurism.
So besides privacy, what else do these flatmates blatantly have little regard for? Peace and personal space, maybe? Well here's Sly in the same room as the slumbering toddler loudly chuckling away on the PC. Maybe he's picked up that brilliant, overlooked game where you start off with primordial alien life and nurture its species' evolution from a cluster of cells on an alien world to hopefully an advanced spacefaring race. What's that game called? Spore? Wait, sorry, no. He's just playing block Tetris as well. The only video game in existence in this horrifying Orwellian virtual world is block Lego/Tetris - and a primitive version of The Sims. The only video gaming form of entertainment in this world is either constructing rudimentary walls of multi-coloured blocks from hours on end for no discernible end goal, or a game where a bunch of miserable Sims make their own miserable Sims.
Not pictured: Adam prancing around the apartment bearing his crown jewels for all to see, ecstatic that for a brief, fleeting few hours, he needn't worry about placating his overly temperamental and needy son. Probably.
2:00am - By now Kira has decided to return to her own apartment. Maybe she just needed a few hours' worth of cooldown period to inoculate herself from the contagious madness of her own flatmates. Think of it like a flu jab and her time in this relatively more well-adjusted apartment to be the vaccination she needs before going back.
For some reason, everyone takes this as a cue to drop everything they're doing and turn up unannounced at the adjacent Turtle Paradise residence. Yes, DROP EVERYTHING THEY'RE DOING, even if they're sound asleep, happily dreaming of being chased by Lovecraftian hilltop cow horrors. This means someone has to physically drag the slumbering Greeny, Adam and Tia out of bed to visit their unruly neighbours during the graveyard hours of the night. Why exactly does everyone suddenly wish to pop over? I have no idea. Maybe Kira did turn up after all to invite them over to a post-midnight party at her place. Why are they dragging a toddler along when the kid seems to be conspicuously sleep-deprived, which contributes greatly to his increasing temperamental behaviour? Who knows. I told you to call social services last time, remember?
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ADAM. HE'S STILL IN HIS UNDERWEAR AND SEEMS RELUCTANT TO PUT ACTUAL CLOTHES ON BEFORE LEAVING THE FLAT TO VISIT THE NEIGHBOURS. Worse, he has a fixed smirk on his face, because he's feeling overly flirty all of a sudden. Was he just jolted awake from his sleep before it could develop into a wet dream? Few things are more terrifying than the sight of this particular bearded man with a horny expression carved on his otherwise gormless face while swanning around in only a tight pair of briefs...
2:30am - Oh thank goodness, it was only a false alarm. Everyone, including Adam, is actually dressed and congregating in the hallway. Thankfully, the occupants of the next flat eschew the concept of sleep in general (I'm looking at you in particular, Tom and Kira!), so this lot are free to make as much noise as possible without anyone alerting the police and reporting them for nuisance. Tami and Claudia spontaneously break out into song,
Olivia: "I love how hopelessly romantic Tami looks. Anyway, Claudia, dear. You look absolutely ridiculous dressed like that."
Sly: "Liv, dear. You look absolutely delicious even if you're not dressed as a hot dog."
Adam: "Has anyone seen my kid anywhere? I swear I dropped him somewhere."
3:15am - It's time for Sly to finally take the opportunity to truly express to Olivia his undying love for hot dogs. There is nothing quite like laying one's mouth and teeth on those fresh baps - to say nothing of the juiciness of the succulent bratwurst itself, complemented by a generous smothering of mustard or alternatively, a slather of coleslaw on top. He plucks up the courage to confidently march over to Olivia. This cunning fox knows all the smooth moves and every technique in the book to beguile the ladies. Olivia will be no exception...
Kira: "WHAT THE F@#K IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?!"
Tom: "QUIET DOWN, YOU IDIOTS! I'M TRYING TO DO SOME SCIENCE IN PEACE ON THE TOILET!"
And we have kick off. Jeff, this one does appear to be a friendly match between two sides who have no actual ill will towards each other. How do you think this particular match will play out with so few stakes?
That's a good question, Greg. Friendly matches are a whole different beast when you compare them with the real things. You're not going to get that same level of desperate tension culminating in shockingly violent plays and direct disregard for the rules of the game. This does not mean the referee can rest on his laurels for this game. Though we won't expect many yellow cards to be pulled from his pocket, he will still be officiating the match as usual.
From the outset, Sly has the immediate advantage. His opponent is diminutive and in the playing field of physical combat, that inherent disadvantage could cost her dearly. How Olivia responds to this sheer disparity in build and shape will be very interesting indeed. For the time being, Sly is expertly able to counter her blows, but he does need to work on his balance.
A good observation indeed, Greg. Sly's footwear, for a lack of a better term, is just shoddy. There is little to no discipline in his pose and stance, so an opponent as small and nimble as Olivia can easily take advantage of his lack of balance and topple him with a volley of light shoves.
You can genuinely detect the boredom in the air. There is very little excitement in this match. Most of the seat spaces are empty and very few members of the crowd actually seem invested in this game. Take this young woman in pink for instance. Her attention is inexorably drawn to an empty wall instead of the match. Watching the paint on the wall dry is literally more exciting than a friendly match.
3:45am - Let's check in on Ross. Wait, where is Ross? He's nowhere in this apartment and neither has he been left behind in the other apartment. Mayhap the boy has wandered off on his own somewhere, but where could one possibly sneak off to at this time of the night? The last time he snuck off in the dead of night, he was found in a swingers club downtown with all his pockets emptied, unable to flag down a taxi to take him home.
Oh, it turns out he's sleeping on a seat somewhere...in the rain...outside. Wait, where exactly is this? It's like a large rooftop communal area, adorned with multiple fountains and is connecting the multiple high-rise towers of this entire building together. The architecture of this apartment block(s) is truly something to behold. Where I'm from, I'm simply used to miserable-looking rectangular apartment blocks dating back to the 1960s that are both potential fire hazards AND only a couple of steps up the ladder from Soviet-era tower blocks.
Well at least no one is daft enough to come out and interrupt this man from his peaceful slumber.
4:33pm - LJ randomly decides this is the optimal time to declare Adriano his enemy. Don't ask me what just happened. In fact, you may recall the pair had a fight in the bonus episode last time, but our sports commentators never made it clear who won that match. It turns out Adriano emerged victorious, which must have undoubtedly left a considerable scar on LJ's pride. He has had a couple of weeks to stew on that episode of humiliation. Two weeks is ample time to let that pent-up rage bubble up uncontrollably to the surface before cascading over like a volcanic eruption. Now or never, he has to let Adriano know just how much he despises the man and his crappy hairstyle and facial hair.
LJ hurls a volley of insults at Adriano. Adriano seems mildly amused at first, because he's unlikely to forget the fact that last time he was successfully able to dunk his opponent's head into the toilet bowl. If LJ could not defeat him previously, what reason does he have to believe that he can be bested this time either? Adriano's mocking laughter is a clear enough sign he underestimates his opponent and does not see him as a genuine threat. LJ has to handle his next move carefully to ensure this risk pays off, for he cannot afford another toilet dunking. His response to Adriano's contemptuous guffawing is not to fight the man head on, but to use the element of surprise. He has to tap into the pool of countless resources available to him. He has to think his next move creatively. Catch his opponent off guard and inflict him with something he would never reasonably see coming. And LJ luckily has just the thing.
Has anyone noticed that Adriano and Kira look almost like twins in this episode? It's the matching colour scheme of the clothes, isn't it?
He pulls a glass of some unspecified liquid from out of nowhere (probably from his ass) and lobs it all over Adriano. Adriano screams as a sudden, ceaseless agony engulfs him. He can feel the very flesh of his face corrode away at a near-instant, his skin blackening up like it's turning into charcoal, his eyes gradually disintegrating and every nerve in his body flaring up and kicking into overdrive. LJ has just thrown a super concentrated solution of acid into Adriano's face and I can smell the criminal prosecutors right now rubbing their hands with glee, eager to have this man locked up for carrying a dangerous weapon with intent to use it and for grievous bodily harm...
...no, I'm kidding. LJ only threw water at Adriano, which only mildly surprises him.
Meanwhile Ross has found his way back into the building, but is overcome with discomfort. Normally I'd say it's because he slept out in the rain, but he clearly has Tami on his mind. Maybe you should tell her how you feel, man.
5:25am - I told you waking the toddler up from his sleep and dragging him into a strangers' place isn't a good idea. The kid won't stop his temper tantrums and is losing his emotional grip with each passing moment. I've little hope for this kid's future, sadly. He's destined to grow into a problem child, bereft of responsible parents and proper role models to steer him away from a life of petty crime, lost professional opportunities and drug addiction. In other words, Greeny is destined to be a Welshman.
OHHHH. Tami was watching TV the whole time. So she wasn't watching paint dry. Well, judging by the banality of that TV programme she's watching, she may as well be staring at an empty wall. ALSO, YES, ADAM. DO CHANGE YOUR CHILD'S NAPPIES IN FRONT OF EVERYONE IN THE LIVING ROOM, BECAUSE WHY NOT. THERE IS LITERALLY NO OTHER ROOM AVAILABLE.
6:00am - Wait, hang on. What's this?
FROM 6AM TO 2AM THE TRADITIONAL CUSTOMS OF 'LOVE DAY' SHALL BE OBSERVED HERE IN SIMSVILLE.
Well that sounds positively wonderful! After all the fires, arguments, insults and fisticuffs, it's about time a new timed event comes out that promotes love, friendship and harmony. Sly for one is absolutely ecstatic. He's had little luck in Love Days of years past (I blame Tinder), but this year, with these delightful flatmates as company and now a brand new, lucrative job with a national security agency, things are looking up for him.
6:40am - Morning coffee time for Olivia! As she savours the black elixir in her mug (milk and coffee are for babies, clearly), a red-haired nuisance sidles up to her. Great. Can't she at the very least be left alone for even just ten minutes to enjoy her hot beverage without the terrifying sight of a small child waddling up to her expecting motherly sympathy? It may be Love Day, but this doesn't mean Olivia is compelled to try and understand what the young child wants based on his unintelligible toddler babble. If Greeny wants the toilet, tough luck. Olivia refuses to carry this defecating bundle of trouble to the nearest bathroom. If it's food, Olivia will happily produce a hearty meal that's near impossible for the developing teeth of a child that young to successfully chew down.
"TOM, GET IN HERE. There's this strange mini-human thing next to me and he's not wearing any trousers."
Speaking of the toilet, Olivia has to quickly dash off for a whizz. It must have been her 8th cup this morning already. Kira walks over presumably also to grab a cup of coffee (wait, hang on, since when does Kira drink coffee? Maybe I'm mistaking her for Adriano; they are essentially wearing the same clothes). Both women coldly walk off and leave the toddler to his own devices. No one has time for children.
"What do we do with him? Do we donate him somewhere?"
Poor Greeny, ashamed of
I think he's just fallen asleep again. Also pictured: Strawbeary Dan approaching the kitchen, threatening to start yet another fire.
Heck, even Tyler happily skips past on his way to continue his morning physical routine without even stopping to check on the child. He skips past so casually that he's probably not even seen Greeny on the floor. He could have stepped on him too. Turtle Paradise residents are the worst!
7:11am - Adriano is up to his usual sneaky self and I have no idea why. He's only taking out the rubbish. He hasn't just burgled the property and nor is he making out with a sack of prized goods. It's not as if anyone cares to stop him. He's doing the household a favour. I recommend he should next throw himself into the recycling bin.
Ladies and gentlemen: one of the finest criminal minds in Simsville.
8:02am - You remember how just hours earlier LJ and Adriano were just bitter enemies? Well in some miraculous intervention, Love Day has inverted their personalities, meaning this personal grudge between the pair of them is suddenly now a bizarre bromance. The pair decide to celebrate the arrival of this special day by...singing a duet. It is a rendition of Happy Birthday to You so dreadful and butchered that I am campaigning for it to be officially recognised as a war crime. I don't even think this is anyone's birthday.
...why is Adam holding his son upside down with his bum inches away from his nose?
8:05am - Meanwhile, here's something cute. After Olivia, Kira and Tyler decided to completely ignore a distraught infant lying on the wooden floor, Adam is here to the rescue! He affectionately picks up his son to play airplanes with him. It's so cute! Too bad this will amount to nought when Love Day ends and he just reverts to being a neglectful father.
I can show you the world, shining, shimmering splendiiiiid
The duet stops, for LJ has just received a text from a certain Queen Brahne of Alexandria congratulating him for getting a new job as a scientist? This is preposterous. Brahne is quite clearly Dan's girl, not LJ's. Does Dan know about this? Should one of us tell him? And why on earth would Brahne be even interested in a scientist boyfriend? Abominable scientific endeavours has always been more Professor Hojo's thing, not Queen Brahne's!
9:05am - Has anyone ever had sleep paralysis before? You're comfortably asleep only to unceremoniously wake up with the inability to physically move yourself or scream. Your brain appears to be functionally awake, but your body is still practically asleep, unresponsive to your brain's frantic commands. As you're in this bizarre state of conscious bodily paralysis, you hallucinate dark shadows in your midst, or monsters, or any manifestation that resembles one of your deep-seated terrors. You may even see and feel this demonic figure crouched over your bed, its deformed, indistinguishable face leering over yours, and its talons wrapped either around your neck or on pressed against your chest. You attempt to scream for help and for this creature to be expelled from your room, but you cannot. Your vocal chords refuse to work. Then, as soon as it's happened, the creature disappears, the sensation of chest pressure fades and you can fully move your body again.
Now disregard everything I've said above and just imagine waking up in your bed to the sight of Adam standing over your bed. Now imagine that Adam with a terrifying, flirtatious look etched on his bearded face. How mentally scared would you be in that situation? Well poor Tom experiences just that, because for some reason Adam is in his room uninvited. Fortunately Tom is a seasoned warrior and takes it rather well. He simply changes into his day clothes like nothing amiss has happened and proceeds to enjoy breakfast in the kitchen next to the glamorous Tami.
"Hey, Tami. I've a great idea. Let's invite Kira and Ross to run Heaven On High tomorrow, get to one of the higher floors and then deliberately wipe at the same time just to mess with them."
10:35am - It's time for a change of scenery. Sly, Claudia, Tia, Tami, Adam, Greeny, Olivia and Ross decide to visit the Stargazer Lounge area of this building…in the rain. It's an otherwise lovely part of the building. It's on a roof, so on lovely days there is usually sunshine. Aside from a swimming pool, there's a bar area (where better to bring a toddler, right?) That said, sacrifices have to be made when moving from a suburb house to an apartment block. You don't get your own swimming pool and other facilities. These lot will have to endure swimming in a pool that some octogenarian in the other block could have urinated in.
10:50am - Sly goes straight into the pool with his clothes on only to subsequently levitate out of the pool, change straight into his swimwear, teleport back to the edge of the pool to THEN jump back in with everyone? What on earth is happening? Has there been a glitch in the Matrix? Which coloured pill do I have to take to force myself out of this madness? Greeny is understandably more frightened of water and elects to stay as far away from the poolside as possible while Tami evidently didn't get the message and only makes a delayed jump into the pool after her friends have all already leaped in.
Dear cameraman, next time can you avoid smearing the camera lens with Vaseline, please? I don't know why you keep doing this or what intended effect you feel it achieves.
While his father and friends lark about in the pool, Greeny, who has again been left to his own devices by uncaring adults, decides this would be a lovely time to do some vandalism. I don't even know what he's using to create that mess, or indeed how he's able to lay his hands on it. It's just splotches of brown and white, which makes me think of either chocolate cake mixture with flour, or a giant seagull has unloaded its burden onto the roof. Is no one at the bar going to reprimand this child?
Oh it's cake mixture and flour vandalism today, but give it twelve years and he'll be robbing old people on the street. Just you wait and see. Psychopathic criminal in the making.
11:41am - Everyone is sick of swimming so it's time for everyone to congregate around the bar area. Because what better time is there to order some alcoholic beverages and cocktails in the day before noon? See, Adam agrees with me. There is no rule for when in the day you should and shouldn't drink alcohol.
Unfortunately, someone had the wise idea of setting up a karaoke spot in the bar area, so now any tone deaf X-Factor audition wannabe can stride up to the microphone and do their damned hardest to produce a sustained ultrasonic frequency intense enough to drive every dog for miles around them insane and shatter windows. There's already a dude warbling right now and he just sounds utterly stoned, slurring his nonsensical lyrics and sounding as in-tune as a concert of Porgs.
Meanwhile the bartender decides to show off her beginner level juggling skills. Because where better to demonstrate your rudimentary juggling abilities than while doing your job and handling a tonne of glass - glass that are prone to smashing. She manages to skillfully miss the large pint glass in her hand and pours the contents of the whole bottle of...whatever that is (looks expensive!) onto the floor. Great work.
11:51am - Let’s get the spirit of Love Day rolling! Because she's such a sweetheart and she's probably noticed Ross acting conspicuously awkward of late, Tami takes the initiative to offer Ross a present that she was keeping...somewhere. I have no idea where she pulled that from, or indeed what the present even is. Maybe it's a new Fitbit model? After spending the longest time staring into each other’s eyes to ensure neither party is about to consume the soul of the other if they so much as blink, the two finally embrace at 12:22pm…while Adam closely watches like a creep. ADAM, YOU LASCIVIOUS HORNDOG. GIVE THEM PERSONAL SPACE AND GET OUT OF THERE. Goodness gracious me, how does one live life with zero social graces?
Sly cannot believe that Ross is having more luck today than he is. It doesn't make any sense! He should be the Casanova here. Has he simply lost his touch, or is Love Day just that weirdly subversive?
1:05pm - Sleepyhead Olivia cares not for booze. She would rather sleep like a cat by the pool. Wait, hang on. Why is she not at work? When she changed into her hot dog costume earlier I presumed she was heading off to start her working day to help to keep America great again by warding off cyber attacks by evil Russians. Why is she skiving? Oh, you are so fired at this rate, woman.
Not pictured: stoned karaoke man beaten to death by an angry mob behind the chair.
Olivia is evidently a light sleeper, because she is easily roused from her slumber when Adam approaches. Normally this is Olivia's cue to run away, but I suppose one shouldn't run at a poolside. Those are the rules! I don't make this up!
Adam tries to chat Olivia up, first by throwing Love Day confetti like a tool. You what, mate? Why on earth does he think throwing confetti will magically leave her heart spellbound? Have any of you ever tried to chat up a woman by throwing confetti at her? What do you think this? A wedding where the attendants happily throw confetti at the happy newly married couple? Olivia and Adam do seem to get along with a conversation about various topics and interests. I have no idea what about. Maybe it's a serious conversation about socially progressive politics or the best way for young people to tackle racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia and other forms of bigotry and marginalisation in current society. Or maybe Adam is regaling her with a long tale of how Ireland was oppressed for 800 years. However Olivia would rather return to her forty winks.
"I am very woke."
"No. I'M more woke than you are."
"You just woke up more like."
"Lame. I'm more woke than you are, because I am always online, furiously typing away on message boards to tell everyone how woke and progressive I am."
"Kids these days using words and I don't understand..."
"Who are you, old man? Can we have some personal space, pls?"
But Adam does not relent. He is deeply infatuated with this woman for some reason and Love Day is as good an opportunity as any to utilise the skills he's picked up from years of dates with other women as well as Tinder chats to beguile Olivia. He looks over at the snoozing woman and wakes her up yet again. There is no use trying to express his feelings for someone when they're unconscious. He's not THAT sort of creep at least. Naturally, Olivia is utterly furious at having been woken up again. Who does Adam think he is? She literally shivers with anger (I guess it's also cold in this rain?) and sensing his opportunity now formally scuppered and unsalvageable, poor Adam is left looking utterly dejected. He doesn't understand! That was near flawless in his head, so why did it not have the intended effect? What has become of his life? He has to deal with his troublesome kid AND he can’t get love. Hello, darkness, my old friend...
Insert obvious and crass joke here about these two characters having an bitter disagreement over the size of something or another.
3:30pm - Tami decides to stick around for a little while longer, but everyone else seems content to traipse back to their respective apartments. On the top deck area connecting the different apartment block towers, Greeny once again decides to lie down on the floor and literally fall asleep like he's an exhausted dog after expending all its energy for the day. The obvious problem with lying on the floor all the time is it's dirty. Greeny is a filthy little thing. So filthy in fact, it looks more like she was taking a dirt nap in manure. I don't know why Adam is just gormlessly standing there while his grimy son cuddles up to the floor.
Angel Adam is pleading with him to be a responsible father and take his son back for a lovely bath. Devil Adam (who looks remarkably like a handsome Gerry Adams) wily tempts him to forget about his son. He's simply a source of all his problems. If he leaves his son behind and forget about Greeny, Adam will have more luck with women in the future.
Finally, the baby returns to his feet after goodness knows how long to return home with his dad...and hopefully to have a bath too. There are ample fountains on this top deck area. At this point just throw Greeny into any one of them and no one will even notice!
Devil Gerry Adams err, Adam screams as he dissipates into a puff of smoke. Angel Adam smiles broadly and congratulates Adam on making the morally correct choice before flying off with a six-pack of lager in his hand.
4:55pm - Back at the Forest Owls apartment and we start things off with...Ross just marches up to Shithead the Bear and unleashes a tirade of demented profanities at the poor guy. I need to construct a tragic backstory for Shithead the Bear, because something must have happened to relegate this otherwise sweet and cuddly toy into this condemned avatar for anger and hate. Resist, people. Shithead deserves better. Also, I think Ross has a problem. Tami gave him a lovely present earlier and embraced him. Why is he still so aggressively furious?
5:25pm - The kid is filthy and desperately needs a bath before the Black Death visits and infects every resident in this closed flat. As Greeny's father, Adam WOULD do it, but he has more pressing matters on his plate. And by "plate" I mean a literal plate. He's having dinner, which let's be frank here, isn't something I am prepared to judge Adam for. Given the choice of dinner or giving a filthy kid a bath without having to endure every excruciating second of torture that comes with it, I'd choose dinner always.
I take that back. Dude's clearly not eating anything right now. He doesn't even have a plate of food in front of him.
Luckily, Uncle Sly is here to be a bro. I wonder what nonsense he's feeding into the impressionable child's mind though...
It's certainly never too early to tell a kid he was adopted, you know.
6:54pm - We need to discern once and for all why Ross has been storming about uncomfortably all day. Maybe he’s bearing the burden of deep-seated insecurities and needs them addressed before he can talk to Tami again. What is the best way to address this? Why, have him and Adam sing karaoke together! I am serious.
You are my fire
The one desire
Believe when I say
I want it that way ♩
♫ Tell me whyyyyyy
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me whyyyyy
Ain't nothin' but a mistake ♩
7:54pm - Paying no heed to the presence of Greeny fast asleep in the same room (in his bed for once!), Claudia feverishly types away on the PC, giggling intermittently and excitedly. No doubt she's returned to her social media feeds to find stellar positive response to the backflip incident she uploaded onto YouTube and Snapchat earlier. She even had legions of new fans asking for tips on how to nail that perfect counter-culture fashion look, not to mention the countless number of messages from her veteran fans about where they can purchase the same combination of mismatched clothes as she. Everyone is determined to follow every "trend" set by Claudia, and I personally reckon she can easily utilise her immense social media following to make big bucks. You go, Claudia. I believe in you.
Meanwhile Kieran supposedly has a property of his own and asks LJ if he wants to come over, but LJ declines. I'm confused. Does Kieran not reside in the Turtle Paradise household? If he has his own apartment, does that mean he just hangs around in the adjacent apartment for fun and is legally not actually a resident? Does the council know about this, as this should probably be quickly raised with them for council tax purposes. As for LJ, he’s still wearing a lab coat and is hanging out in the hallway for…reasons. Maybe he just got home from work?
8:19pm - Yup, LJ is definitely back from work. His pay cheque for today is $216 though, which is remarkable...I think. I haven't got a currency converter on me, so as impressive as that number sounds for a day's work, it could well be a relatively useless currency and Simsville is presently going through an inflation crisis. You never know. The labs could also be one of those sham ones that waste government money and use it only for frivolous nonsense, such as working out how many fruit pastilles it takes to choke a kestrel.
LJ being LJ heads to the bathroom for a number 2 and...talks to himself? Are we sure he was actually the one doing the sciencing and not the test subject who was experimented on instead?
8:50pm - Gotta go fast! Look at Tia go on that treadmill! Any more determination and she can easily beat Tami, Ross, Mitsuki and Sly hands down in every Fitbit-related challenge.
Ross meanwhile looks considerably more comfortable now, as if taking his anger out on a hapless teddy bear and singing Backstreet Boys with Adam were exactly what he needed to get the anxiety and frustration out of his system entirely. Or he's just a bit tipsy now.
9:06pm - And now we cut to Greeny having a lovely Number 2 of his own. I don't know who's directing this show, but they seem obsessed with capturing footage of flatmates answering the call of nature. Consider me surprised to see Greeny isn't entirely lacking in potty training to know how to use his baby loo...and a little disappointed, because there's some perverse toilet humour to be had out of imagining the flatmates bolt upright in shock, indignation and fury when they wake to find the baby has defecated on their beds. For some reason ominous music plays while Greeny lets the behemoth out. This isn't Jaws!
Shithead the Bear over there, looking utterly defeated, as if he had long consigned himself to accepting this terrible fate of his.
As this is happening, Olivia is in her hot dog suit in the hallway. I cannot make out what she is doing. Is she crafting something in secret? Is this part of her job as a secret agent? Or is she so sick of her flatmates that she's quietly constructing a stink bomb?
10:00pm - Well whatever Olivia's done, something is happening over in the Turtle Paradise apartment. A deafening cacophony of rowdy noise emits from the other flat, like a chorus of angry screaming and ranting, while the literal, visible sight of green odour permeates through the door like there's been a serious chemical leakage on the other side. What on earth is going on in there? Has Olivia dropped a chemical weapon in her flat? Like an actual chemical weapon and not a euphemism for a rancid shit?
10:43pm - Speaking of weapons of mass destruction, LJ is left to take the atomic weapon that was just left behind by the toddler in a bin bag and throw it away somewhere. Now, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure potty seats are designed so that you can pour most of the contents down an actual toilet and flush it away...then work on scrubbing the rest of the potty clean using as much warm water and soap as you can. So I have no idea why LJ has it all in a bin bag and is carrying it away somewhere. Skips are putrid enough without a leaking bag of a baby's fluids and solid waste.
WAIT, WHERE IS LJ GOING WITH THAT? HE'S TAKING THE BAG INTO THE KITCHEN! SLY IS ALREADY EATING HIS DINNER AND CLAUDIA IS COOKING. LJ WALTZES RIGHT IN WITH THAT BAG OF SHIT AND JUST PUTS THE BAG INTO THE KITCHEN BIN. NO. USE YOUR COMMON SENSE, LJ! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? WHY AREN'T YOU WASHING YOUR HANDS EITHER? NO, DON'T WASH THEM IN THE KITCHEN SINK. GO TO THE BATHROOM, YOU FILTHY MUPPET.
11:15pm - LJ has had enough of the racket coming from next door. Maybe he should have left Greeny's bag of shit outside their door instead. He angrily pounds on the door and the noise immediately seems to cease. That was easy. Except Dan answers the door and emerges...looking soaked. He just stands in the hallway for a lengthy amount of time, dripping. What happened in there? Did the Turtle Paradise household drench themselves in water as a way to fight back against the chemical attack caused by Olivia? That's the only somewhat innocent explanation I can think of with only 10 seconds of thought.
DAY 3 - SATURDAY
12:08am - Noticing his neighbour is still somehow soaked and standing outside in the hallway as if guarding the premises with his life, LJ wanders over to Dan and demands to know what he's up to. Dan replies abrasively, voicing to LJ how sick he is of the latter's constant complaints. This is news to me. I don't recall LJ bombarding Dan with incessant complaints prior to this.
Wait, hang on. Dan has more to say. How dare LJ tell him what to do? He has the right to do whatever he wants? That's true, Dan, but maybe keeping the whole apartment block awake at night with your flat's absurd noise level is perhaps inconsiderate. Did you ever think of that? No you did not. For some reason, LJ seems unconcerned about having just been yelled at by his estranged friend. He just returns to his flat and merrily waltzes back to the kitchen to prepare food for himself. Maybe he finally realised he was paid today.
1:14am - Trying to be cool, LJ flips a bottle in the air to catch it and fails and the bottle smashes on the floor. He grins stupidly, relieved to realise no one else had noticed. After that, I am at a loss as to what he's doing. It's quite evident he's preparing food, but he simply looks semi-anxious as he surveys the hobs, which are on and have no pans, pots or anything on them. Occasionally he appears to hover his hand over the surface of the hobs and stops just short of scolding his own skin on the appliance. Is this part of his sciencing?! Is burning himself on the hob part of his science?! Well, it worked, because he magically pulls his chicken dish from out of the oven. I didn't even notice him putting anything in the oven, but granted, these Sims have a remarkable, supernatural ability to conjure anything from out of thin air except common sense and intelligence.
2:00am - LOVE DAY IS OVER. What a miserable one this year was for poor Sly. Apparently he didn’t get to participate in enough of the traditions he likes. Maybe next year he can get over the Human Hot Dog's lack of interest in him and find another woman instead - maybe one who likes to dress up as a taco this time.
2:30am - NO, GREENY, NO! The toddler goes out of control again. As if deliberately goading his exasperated father into punishing him, Greeny gleefully splashes his hands in the toilet bowl while Adam is left to only tell his son off - albeit feebly and as effectively as a stoned music teacher. When I was a mischievous kid, I was spanked and chased around he house with the wooden handle end of an old feather duster by my mother, which only goes to show how things have changed since those days.
"I'm proud of you in a way, son. You get to experience what I had to experience back when the British were still oppressing us."
Greeny continues to defy his dad and splash his hands in the toilet again for the second time, and Adam berates him feebly…again. It hardly even looks like he's telling off his son. It looks more like he's verbosely trying to explain germ theory to him.
3:30am - While Tami and Claudia casually chatter in the lounge in front of the TV, Ross stands nearby looking lost and confused again. For goodness's sake, man. Just go and talk to her. Tami is a lovely person and I'm certain she won't bite. Ross fortunately does pluck up the courage at last to make his move and give Tami a sexy pose, but at the worst possible timing she walks away just as he approaches. Oh well. At least he can have a friendly chat with Sly and Claudia, maybe about where he can take the relationship to next and how. And hurry! The last thing anyone wants is for the endless tarrying to culminate in a long prison sentence in the dreaded friendzone.
OR, Tami can check out an uncharacteristically shy Sly's nails in front of Ross. Oof, awkward. Claudia can only look away.
4:12am - Have we still not given this kid a royal spanking yet? Future petty crook and probable arsonist Greeny is now making a colourful mess on the bathroom floor. His old man can only stand and watch, like a so-called art expert discovering a stunning post-modern piece of work in a San Francisco art museum.
"The fascinating use of the primary colours suggest social conformity, as if Greeny is attempting to relay to us his desire to be a part of a society of accepted norms and standards of behaviour. However, that green to counterbalance it is very interesting indeed. The green is like nature, verdant and brilliant. Mixed with the primary colours, perhaps it shows a willingness in Greeny to pursue his origins and the meaning behind his name - he believes society is too synthetic and divorced from our natural, pre-civilisation roots. We're too ingrained in concrete jungles and technology. Those couple of narrow green lines may represent roots. Our roots are in nature but we are so determined to uproot ourselves to the point where many young people in modern society these days feel lost. Why do we turn away from nature? It's truly a stunning, thought-provoking piece from this very young child."
4:40am - While STILL donning his day job lab coat, LJ is now talking to a lectern. Again, what a weirdo.
5:20am - HE'S DONE IT. ROSS HAS DONE IT. He's found the strength in him at last to make that crucial key step towards strengthening his relationship with Tami by giving her a beautifully wrapped present. Tami adores it so much you can see literal love hearts fly out from her head. I wonder what it could be. Another new Fitbit model? An expensive watercolour paint collection? A Wacom drawing tablet? A box of kittens? It doesn't matter what the actual present is, because she loves it. It's official. These two are off on a date.
I take that back. You probably can't fit many kittens in that box.
5:38am - Because what better time to go on a date than at the crack of dawn before most establishments are even open for business?
Ross and Tami turn up to the <reads notes> Casbah Gallery for their first date. Okay, stop. Hang on a moment. Why is Tami still in her swimwear? She's not even wearing any footwear? She's literally walked across town with Ross to this gallery place and no one deigned to suggest to her to put on some shoes, let alone clothes.
If I'm on a date with someone I genuinely have feelings for - and these feelings aren't unrequited - I'd be absolutely bubbling with joy. I certainly wouldn't look and feel noticeably miserable when the date has just started. I can understand if it's later in the day and things have gone tits up, but when the date has just started and one half of the couple already looks like he'd rather the earth swallow him up, it's not exactly getting things started on the right foot. So what is eating him? It's usually jealousy. But jealousy towards whom? Has Sly been hitting on Tami again? That's preposterous. Everyone knows that man only has the hots for dog...hot dog.
5:53am - So what does a fun date look like? Apparently it involves spray painting the exterior floor of the art gallery, because apparently the place is already open before it's 6am and the owner of the establishment isn't particularly concerned, I suppose. So the pair whip out spray paint cans and the quest to come up with a profound mural piece begins. Just watch them feverishly spray without rhyme or pattern, crouched down exposed to the paint fumes. I'm not sure if they're simply high on the fumes or if they're THAT brimming with inspiration where even an individual squeeze of the spray paint can is orgasmic artistry. They are coughing and making laboured, choking, gargling sounds intermittently.
Yeah, they're definitely getting high on paint. In my experience, getting high often enhances a date in that I don't remember what has happened at all when it's over.
A random art gallery painter walks straight over the painting and decides to join in unannounced. So inconsiderate. This date doesn't need a third wheel nor a wing(wo)man.
Yikes. This date is not going well. They’re struggling to connect, which baffles me, because their real life counterparts are probably the sort of people who spend hours in a restaurant just casually chatting long after the plates are cleared. Tami is now shivering and cold which is usually what happens when you head outside in swimwear before the sun is even out and it's precipitating. Ross meanwhile looks like he’s about to piss his pants. Why can't any of you morons be normal functioning people and visit the bathroom PRIOR to leaving the house?
Unexpectedly high on paint, bladder is bursting, no toilet is in sight and the sound of gushing water rings ceaselessly behind him. Best date ever.
8:26am - Sensing this date could end in disaster unless active steps are taken to salvage it, Tami takes the initiative and takes Ross's hands and looks him in the eye. This date is an opportunity for them to connect, be open and honest about each other's feelings and reassure each other. For any strong, healthy relationship, the communication and proactively looking out for the other is always paramount and ought to go both ways. But no one told Ross, because he rejects this gesture all of a sudden, like someone instinctively trying to shrug off a nesting moth or feeding mosquito. Taken aback, a shocked Tami can only blow a raspberry at him in response. How awkward...
But hey, at least the spray painted mural looks lovely!...whatever it is. It just looks like graffiti to me, only it's on the floor instead of a wall. The 3D vector effect looks lovely though.
NOW THEY BOTH DESPERATELY NEED A PEE. Ross probably realises he blew it and tries to blow a kiss, but Tami’s done with him now. This date cannot be salvaged. The rainfall continues unabated and is the most heavy-handed instance of pathetic fallacy at work I've seen in a while.
9:42pm - Ohohoho, we're not finished with the awkwardness yet. Let’s actually compound it by having the pair sit around a bubble machine. Tami keenly takes a puff, no doubt to accelerate her own memory loss so she won't ever have to recall this disastrous date ever again. Her attempt is cut short with choking and coughing. Good grief, what even is this bubble substance she's ingesting and is this even legal? Mayhap she simply needs to get used to it. Ross on the other hand would rather not think about bubbles or anything remotely related to water, because he has still yet to find a public toilet and is forced to waddle away like a duck, his mind fixated on getting through the rest of this accursed day without publicly wetting himself. There's always the fountain outside, Ross. I'm sure no one will notice...
The date officially ends a failure and Tami decides to stay near the bubble machine for a relatively long duration toward the end of this episode. She's definitely high on the bubbles. Real life Sly meanwhile wonders what was truly eating at Ross to cause him to react the way he did when Tami took his hands. Does he actually believe that Sly was making unwanted advances on Tami, hence the crushing weight of jealousy today? Or could it be possible that we've had this wrong the whole time? Maybe Ross and Sly are indeed meant for each other, and Tami's the one who is in the way? The plot thickens...
Disclaimer: Real life Ross, Tami & Sly, this is for fun. Your Sims hopefully don't represent your actual selves behind the computer monitor. Don't kill me, lmao.
Sooooooo, well that was an unfortunate end to this episode. I suppose Love Day isn't what it's cracked up to be. Maybe we do need to eschew any foolish notion of happiness and love with our Sims as they're clearly incapable of it. Maybe next time we should shift the pendulum the other way and subject the residents of Turtle Paradise to unwavering torment.
Once again, I thank you for your time. If you've successfully watched the stream and read through this entire block of text on FFF, congratulations! That's an inordinate amount of time I've taken from you that could have been spent on something constructive instead! Please, do thank me later!
Once again, I thank you for your time. If you've successfully watched the stream and read through this entire block of text on FFF, congratulations! That's an inordinate amount of time I've taken from you that could have been spent on something constructive instead! Please, do thank me later!
This is Linnaete and I am signing out!