This fire is out of control, I'm gonna burn this teddy, burn this teddy...
Woo! The weekend beckons and as usual we are back with the third installment of our elaborate social experiment. If you've already experienced the action in the preceding two episodes, you know the drill by now. One adult, with assistance from another adult in designing these death traps you call affluent Californian homes, spends up to an hour of her time streaming a load of inane madness on Twitch while an audience of more adults drop what they're doing and inexplicably decide to watch. Another adult, perhaps the most daftest of them all, decides to closely chronicle the lives of these virtual
Last week we visited the Forest Owls residence and learnt some valuable lessons by the end. Firstly, don't be an alcoholic. Secondly, don't be an alcoholic and smash up your child's dollhouse while they're literally sleeping a few feet away from you. Thirdly, don't go skinny dipping unannounced in front of your housemates, particularly if they are of the opposite sex. The worst that can happen in Simsville is temporary revulsion. The worst thing that can happen in real life is to be charged with sexual assault, not have Olivia available to argue for bail on your behalf, and essentially alienate yourself in the eyes of everyone on social media. Fourthly, just don't be Adam McGee. You can accomplish so much in life if you do not accept him as a role model. Instead, look to someone else to be an inspiration. Like Tom Harly. He's like Tom Hardy, just not as cool or charming. Okay, he's nothing like Tom Hardy...
This week, we return to the Turtle Paradise resident. There were originally plans for a third house and thus fewer housemates in these two current properties, but I heard they failed to take out a mortgage with the bank to acquire the sufficient capital to have their own house built. Let me tell you, these houses are not cheap. This isn't the middle of Nebraska as far as I can tell, where a roomy property can be purchased for the price of a packet of cigarettes. This is California, presumably. As such we have had to make new arrangements, which is why this time we have the addition of two new housemates to the asylum. Without further ado, today's mental patients are:
- Mitsuki Calei (@Mitsuki)
- Kira Six (@Six)
- Tom Harlequin (@Harlequin)
- Olivia Linnaete (@Linnaete)
- Kieran Gabranth (@Gabranth)
- Tyler Shu (@Shu)
- Adri Rey (@Rey)
- Dan Dionysos (@Dionysos)
Anyway, enough waffling. Roll the title.
I also accept 'NONE OF YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES', but there's no actual forest fire in this episode.
If you want to watch this on Twitch and follow the live comments, you can find the archived video here. If on the other hand you find the live reactions to be inane and unworthy of your IQ, I am afraid you have clicked on the wrong article. There is nowhere for you to go but clinical insanity, friend. Since you're here, you may as well enjoy our YouTube version of the stream:
2:08am - You read that correctly. We're starting the episode at 2 in the morning. What do you do at 2 in the morning? Be in bed already like a responsible adult? Desperately attempt to put together a crucial 25,000 word dissertation before a 12pm deadline like most students out there? Not these housemates. They're all simply...they're in the house at least. That's always a good start. It's certainly a low hurdle to overcome when I'm impressed that our Sims are behaving themselves within the confines of their house at 2 in the morning instead of standing gormlessly outside on the street by the roadside as if expecting some Uber taxi to arrive to ferry them out of the country before sunrise.
Olivia is looking increasingly like an irritable zombie, which admittedly would be an accurate reflection of her real-life counterpart. She even huffs and groans with mild exasperation like the real Olivia. Fetching a broom from out of her ass, she proceeds to clean up a bizarre mess left on the floor. Splotches of pinky-red and white? Mysterious source? No clue how it got there? It's just like any good shared student accommodation. It's like being back in university again.
2:30am - Tom is playing what looks to be a square-based Tetris with the ferocity and intensity of an epic competitive PvP game. The fact he's excited at all about playing square Tetris is disconcerting enough without also hearing him audibly chuckle to himself as if he's proving his elite skills to someone either in the room or another computer screen who cares one bit. Well done, Tom. I am witnessing the fruits of your strenuous labour. Pat yourself on the back there, buddy. You deserve these two seconds of unrivalled glory.
Adriano meanwhile deems indoor beds to be beneath him. Instead he shall kip on the bench out on the porch like a rebel. How inspiring, Adri. If you believe you're so much better than the peons and their crisp white sheets living in their modern accommodations, and you wish to avoid the constrictions of social norms that badly, you should head deep into the words nearby and live a life off the grid. I recommend rural Washington state. You can enjoy the scenic, mountainous views from the comfort of your own patch of coniferous woods.
2:50am - Olivia has work in the morning. It's high-profile work. National security is at stake. The threat of cyber warfare has never been this potent and ubiquitous. Her employers demand the best of their paid staff to ensure the integrity of all our online systems, servers and locally hosted important files are not lost or stolen by enemy hackers. Minor mistakes can culminate like a domino effect into entire meltdowns that can bring the country to its knees. Lives are at stake. So naturally Olivia decides she would rather not rest tonight in order to wake up bright and early for national security work in the morning. No, this virtual Olivia eschews sleep and in her sage-like wisdom considers a dip in the pool to be a more judicious and responsible use of her time and energy. This pool mind you, has been expanded. You won't believe the bureaucracy involved just to get the planning permission necessary to enlarge the pool. It is also much deeper than before, which means it may as well be Mariana's Trench for this hydrophobe typing up this very sentence.
Meanwhile Kira ascends to the peak of her culinary potential. She obtains the skills of chefs the world over and I for one cannot wait to see what delectable delights and gastronomical greats she can conjure up. For example she can now cook up some eggs & toast; bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich; chips and salsa; and fish tacos. By 'chips' I presume we mean American chips, so I'm picturing a packet of Doritos next to a tiny pot of salsa. What a culinary genius. Take notes, Tom. This is what you too can potentially achieve if you put your mind into something.
3:10am - Dan is absolutely exhausted. When last we heard from him, he was arranging a street fight for indeterminable motives and was arrested by police. Presumably he had a good lawyer to step in, because he appears to have been released on bail, perhaps on the condition that he does not go anywhere near the town centre ever again. All that street fighting and police brutality must be absolutely exhausting, because the man is fast asleep in the hot tub, calmly snoozing away like a babe. Olivia naturally joins in for a steamy 3am soak only to fall asleep next to Dan the moment she steps in. No doubt she too is exhausted, otherwise I may have to start feigning concern about what chemicals have been put in this water.
3:35am - Why is everyone so uncharacteristically upbeat today? I see Kira, Mitsuki, Tom and Kieran enjoying a lovely, casual chat at the dining table while enjoying large portions of burgers. At half past 3 in the morning. The last thing I'd want to do at the graveyard hours is to stuff myself with so much carb at once, washed down by a liberal dosage of grease. I guess these guys don't really believe in eating nutritionally. This is America after all. While everyone is busy seeing whose vital organs can be the first to fail, Tom is mysteriously thinking about a dartboard while he's talking to Kira in front of him. Maybe Tom simply wishes to play darts. I just choose to believe he started envisioning Kira's head slowly morph into a dartboard and it has triggered an insatiable urge in him to start throwing a fork at her.
3:49am - Fortunately Tom resists the urge to throw cutlery at Kira's face, but bizarrely he instead asks her to push him on the swing set outside not unlike an innocent child asking his mother to allow him to prance around in the local outdoor playground. Also, yes. We have a swing set outside. Kieran is left to continue his fast food binge on his own, no doubt overcome with second-hand embarrassment at the sight of a grown man asking a woman to push him on the swings. He calmly remains at his table, now preoccupied by flirtatious thoughts, albeit unwilling to reveal to us all which woman he currently has the hots for. Given his penchant for fast food, it's probably the Human Hot Dog...
4:18am - Kira does indeed push Tom on the swing. I just wonder how much willpower it requires for her to resist the urge to simply push Tom so hard he is flung the whole 360 degrees and fly off into the nearest bramble bush over in the next town. Would anyone even suspect Kira of murder or grievous bodily harm if that were to happen? I'd rule it an accident. Just saying...
"Is there no indignity I will not suffer?"
4:48am - Seeing as Tom is unlikely to be found dead by sunrise as a result of his overexcited swinging, Kira decides not to waste any more of her precious time. "Tom, I am NOT a swinger!" she says...probably. I dunno, I don't speak or understand Simspeak. So she marches off back into the house.
Tom, now confronted by the harsh reality that he will need to genuinely put in his own efforts to generate sufficient swing momentum without someone to assist him, decides the time for fun is over. This swing is his and belongs to no one else. He will need to imprint a clear message on the swing to let the other housemates know that no other pair of buttocks can be perched on this very seat. He will not allow a mere commoner's pair of buttocks to desecrate the sacredness of the seat he parked his arse on. The only way to ensure no one else claims this swing seat...is to fart at it.
You do realise this means no one will ever willingly push your swing seat ever again, right?
5:00am - Now awake and desperate to answer the call of nature, Dan waddles awkwardly out of the pool towards the house. Post-traumatic stress disorder from police brutality at the station has left the man stunned and wary, though luckily his trusty pair of neon pink Speedos is left fully intact. As he enters the house he passes a jubilant Tyler busting some sick moves in front of the jukebox. Tom is also casually making his journey upstairs and clearly notices his rival's deeply uncomfortable shuffling. Surmising that Dan is clearly desperate for the toilet, Tom contemplates stalling the man with a half-hour conversation. Fair is fair. That is what Dan did to him a couple of episodes ago. If Dan soils the floor, they can at least rely on Olivia to clean it up.
Dan and his best impression of every generic kawaii anime schoolgirl's pose.
5:39am - Oh good grief. Tom, please. Just because Tyler can effortlessly dominate the dance floor with actual feet coordination, does not mean everyone is capable of the same thing. Cue Tom, desperately eager to demonstrate to us all he not only has two left feet and the rhythmic coordination of a walrus, but also the voice of a suffocating ape. Somehow Dan is easily able to continue scoffing down his hearty burger just feet away from Tom's karaoke butchering without vomiting violently onto his lap or beating Tom half to death with the nearest banana.
I'd be uncomfortable too if I have to listen to this X-Factor audition. "But I'm still luuuuuurrrrning..."
Meanwhile I have no idea what Olivia is doing. The sun is rising and the day is dawning. The hour of work encroaches and her employer expects excellent performance at work, not just for her own career prospects but for national security. Yet the woman is now utterly exhausted and famished, languishing in the pool by a lethargic zombie with nary the energy nor the decency to just climb out, fix herself some food, nap for an hour and then set off for work. Instead she swims to the edge of the pool, climbs out, hesitates and leaps back in, as if so consumed by confusion and delirium from exhaustion that she now believes she is a fish.
6:30am - I don't know what is up with the residents of this house and their tendency to avoid sleeping on clean, crisp bed sheets. Now it's Kira's turn to act like the cat she is and curl up on the bench in the porch. Fortunately, just like the real life Kira, her virtual counterpart does not stay slumbering for long and wakes up seconds later to start her day, presumably because sleep is for the weak.
Frankly I am amazed she even slept through Tom's atrocious karaoke number.
6:44am - Dan vehemently disagrees with the notion that sleep is for the weak. He is a growing bear cub and needs his beauty sleep. Donning his distinctive crimson bear garment once more, the man keenly climbs into bed and eager to dream, like Winnie the Pooh being drawn inexorably close to an unguarded pot of honey. Unfortunately for this bear, he is residing in the wrong bed and in the wrong bedroom. For reasons unclear to us, though I imagine visibility in that bear costume must be utterly dire, Dan ended up climbing into bed in the girls' bedroom. Despite the fact that most of the women in the house are not even currently sleeping, the Kira in real life is incensed by this slight. How dare a bear sleep on her bed!? A dejected Dan is forced to quickly excuse himself from a wonderful, erotic dream about Goldilocks to physically relocate himself from one end of the house to the other.
7:19am - Sleep-deprived but tasked with matters pertaining to national security. What could possibly go wrong? Olivia emerges from the house into the cloudy embrace of the early morning air to catch a ride to work. Though dressed like a sumptuous hot dog, she looks more like The Walking Dead than a walking bread. How on earth is she going to explain her pathetic performance today to her boss? "Sorry for accidentally leaving an obvious loophole open for an hour and allowing foreign hackers to easily pour through and run away with our most confidential files, Sir. I decided to spend the night in a hot tub and the swimming pool of instead of a lovely, warm bed. Despite all that, can I get the next week off, please?
Wait a minute, this wasn't in the script. No, you fool. You're meant to be sleep-deprived and miserable, woman. NOT HAPPY.
8:20am - While the other women are sound asleep in their room, Tyler has seemingly snuck in just to use the computer in the room. You know, as opposed to using a PC in an unoccupied room, or a laptop if they indeed even exist in this world. Unfortunately the camera is trained on Tyler from the front, so it is anyone's guess as to what is actually happening on the screen. All I know is, the man is cackling to himself as he furtively hammers his fingers on the keys. Allegedly the man is trolling the forums, but it does not explain this eerie cacophony of female giggling emanating from somewhere in the vicinity. The women are asleep, so whose giggling is this? Is this part of the forum trolling? Has Tyler just posted a link on the forum to a softcore pornographic video of a young woman teasing to the camera?
Fortunately Tyler avoids watching his softcore pornography for long enough to actually do something productive on the computer. Sensing the time is right for a man with such able dance moves to channel his talents into something marketable and able to bring food to the table, he lands himself a job as a 'waterperson', which I simply presume is a generic term for anyone who participates in water-related sports like swimming, kayaking, scuba diving...and drowning.
8:36am - Something forces Mitsuki out of her slumber and she jolts up wide awake. Her phone went off. She's just received a text message from a man named Sergio Romeo, a name that sounds too much like a mob boss's henchman's name. What could this Sergio Romeo possibly want with Mitsuki in particular? Has the don heard about Mitsuki's culinary abilities and requests a banquet be cooked and served for his daughter's wedding? Romeo is in fact asking Mitsuki whether she is interested in joining 'Paragons'. Sorry, mate. It would appear Epic Games shut down Paragon a short while ago, given the hugely competitive MOBA scene.
Oh, I'm sorry, Paragons is a club. Well that sounds wonderful. Mitsuki does often feel she lacks much in the way of social interaction outside the house. It would be absolutely lovely if she can join a society full of like-minded people, regularly mingle with them, hang out with them
Mitsuki shivers when she sees a follow-up message by Paragons. This time from a woman named Siobhan Fyres. She seems hospitably welcome enough in addressing Mitsuki as a new member, before asking if she would join them for a splendidly posh club meet up at the Bathe de Rill where they can all collectively "enjoy the water at the pool". Finally realising this is a potential trap, Mitsuki's natural introvert tendencies kick in and she ultimately declines from this potentially fatal meeting, which has probably saved her life for the time being.
I seriously would not rest easy if I were you, Mitsuki. We don't know if Paragons has any connection with local crime syndicates, particularly given that two of her housemates are currently members of their own criminal organisations. How far does this web stretch? How much danger is Mitsuki in now? Will Paragons be hunting for her head from this point on, or is this simply my imagination running wild? Mitsuki will have to make that choice on her own. Can she trust anyone anymore?
8:50am - But enough of that talk about crime syndicates and cults, because let's now return to Tom, who after having caused enough damage to our senses with his diabolical dancing and karaoke, has surely run out of fresh new war crimes to commit? Unfortunately, no. And nor is there a fellow housemate willing and able to stab him in the neck with a syringe containing horse tranquiliser. He now fancies himself a DJ, hamming it up at the DJ gear with enough noise to wake the dead or something.
WHO KEEPS PURCHASING THESE EXPENSIVE EQUIPMENT JUST FOR TOM TO ABUSE?
For some inexplicable reason, Mitsuki does not seem fazed by this weapon of musical destruction and pops over to wave hi to Tom. For a brief moment her body convulses and her face contorts into a bizarre, almost inhuman reaction. Either Tom's DJ work is that atrocious it could legally be classified as actual assault and battery and Mitsuki's brain only now realised what was happening, or she's just seen a ghost.
Let's now check up on the Human Hot Dog. Hello, Olivia! Have you indirectly caused the total destruction of the United States' national security systems, military systems support and geostationary satellites yet? No, but it appears she is waylaid by a difficult situation at work - a conundrum that could well make a difference between the United States remaining as a fully functioning sovereign nation with control over its own military and intelligence systems...or nuclear Armageddon. You see, Olivia wants vital information stored somewhere, but is blocked by a firewall so potent and genius in its complexity, it's virtually unbreakable. There has to be a way to reroute past this firewall to claim access to the information files or the entire country will be on its knees by midday. The only options available are:
- Hack the system herself - It's risky. It could jeopardise everything, but there are very few personnel available and Olivia does want to gain access to the data discreetly. If she is successful at this risky and very technically dense endeavour, she could see her career prospects soar to heights not seen since...well, since she took up the job in the first place. It remains a mystery to me as to how exactly she even obtained this job.
- Or she can ask someone else to do the hacking for her. This is instantly more advantageous if another coworker proves to be the far more experienced and able codebreaker and as such is more likely to succeed and prevent those evil Russkies or whoever from enacting whatever nebulous, ill-defined cyber warfare scheme they have up their sleeves. The clear downside is, her boss won't recognise her personal achievements and dammit, Olivia requires instant gratification and positive feedback!
9:24am - We now return to the house and...sigh. Tom's upstairs murdering music as we speak while Mitsuki and Kieran are awkwardly dancing downstairs in front of the jukebox, looking like two unpaired party-goers at a prom night trying to pretend their limp shuffles mean they're enjoying themselves.
10:00am - It's time for Tom to head to work in the laboratory - a laboratory that he hasn't managed to burn to the ground yet or release a plague of locusts from. Or at least it would be time for Tom to suit up and make the effort to head to work and claim a pay cheque, but the man refuses to move from his self-appointed DJ post and seems utterly unconcerned about the concept of punctuality. Maybe he's working from home today. Maybe his war against music this morning IS for science and is only part of a grander science project he's eagerly embarking on. I can't tell you what this science experiment is. Maybe he wants to test how quickly it takes for the human mind to snap when they witness music being savagely murdered before their very eyes and ears. In that case, I really hope these housemates do their part for science and just throw Tom down the stairs at this very instant.
Meanwhile Joe Sly from next door calls Kieran (presumably) to tell him all about this cool new circus that has made its way into town. Would Kieran like to visit the circus with his best buddy, Sly? Kieran appears to ignore the call. Well that was cold and rude. Are they both in love with Tami next door?
10:49am - Adriano, still dressed like an uncouth, unemployed bum without any trousers on, joins StrawBeary Dan in front of the jukebox by the foot of the stairs for a dance-off. Back upstairs Tom has still not left for work, but on the bright side his DJ mixing skills have levelled up. I mean, who hasn't played an RPG before where you can level up their characters and their stats simply by beating an already dead horse into pulp?
Neither of you are Smooth Criminals, I'm afraid.
11:25am - Oh now Tom finally deigns it necessary to shuffle himself away from the DJ table and make an effort to dress up for work. Given the man must be over an hour late by now, does the laboratory even want him anymore? In that space of over an hour, his lab assistants could have easily genetically created a more superior, hardworking Tom by now - preferably one with actual musical talent.
11:41am - Upon a swift realisation that one ought to live life with purpose, Kieran conducts a long, hard think about his own marketable skills and how they relate to what motivates him and what he wants to achieve in life. Unfortunately, he has no idea what he wants to do with his life, let alone what transferable skills exist in his repertoire. Fortunately for him, there are plenty of politically related jobs in this town, from full on Communist agitators to even mayoral positions, all available with just a simple online search and a further click of a button. Kieran finds a promising gig as...'An Unruly Activist at Concerned Citizens of Myshuno'? I'm going to need to google Myshuno.
...oh, apparently the city these Sims all reside in is actually called San Myshuno, an amalgamation of major, notable American cities as well as Tokyo, with an appearance not too dissimilar to that of Hong Kong and a rich array of multiculturalism and diversity. Presumably these houses are on the outskirts of the city. So I have been erroneously calling this place Simsville when I should be calling it San Myshuno, I see! Nah, I'm still calling it Simsville, because I am not going to remember the name 'Myshuno'.
Sorry, I went off on a tangent there. Kieran's job is 'unruly activist'? So like a protestor that isn't above causing some damage? If these protestors disrupt public transport and prevent me from getting to and from work, I am going straight for their necks, these silly, entitled millennials. It's bad enough the train services are as easily disrupted, unreliable and out of date as they are without political protestors threatening to lie on the train tracks or drop lit fireworks into a tube station just for some vague, nondescript political agenda.
11:51am - No doubt sick of being the punchline and butt of all jokes in the office, Olivia abandons her snobby, ungrateful and infinitely more qualified coworkers to make the journey home early, arriving back just prior to midday. Despite spending such a short work day being as productive as...well, Adriano, she has managed to somehow take home an okay $98 in
Olivia is utterly exhausted and it finally occurs to her that a proper sleep in her own bed is exactly the medicine the doctor would prescribe to her. Just as she heads to bed, Kira finally wakes up from her long night. She really is a cat.
Here's Kira on the loo, because why not. Note the potty is the only place where Kira finds inspiration for anything.
12:50pm - Mitsuki is not content with being stagnant. By most metrics, she's still a young woman with great capacity for more learning, knowledge and new skills. One new skill she particularly wishes to try is mischief. For too long she's lived life as a responsible and relatively demure young woman. It's time to add some spice and excitement to her life. She needs to rebel in some fashion and come out of the shell. Assertiveness! Confidence! The ability to screw others over for your personal gain! So many skills and mindsets she's never picked up before! Now is the time to start changing things, because from this point on, Mitsuki wants to be mischievous. And who best to practise her mischief on...?
Why, Adriano of course! As the scruffy, self-proclaimed mob boss heartily laughs like an excited lunatic in front of a computer, Mitsuki sidles up next to him and begins a series of gallant attempts to trick the simple-minded Adriano into...I dunno. Trick him into doing or believing something. Maybe someone should convince him into believing that he's not actually a housemate but a mere trespasser and the cops are coming? Maybe Mitsuki can trick him into starting another fire but this time the fire extinguisher is hidden away on the other side of the house? Well, neither happens, but Mitsuki does valiantly invite Adriano to attend a party that doesn't exist. To her dismay, Adriano rejects the prospect of attending any of her parties, especially if they're Paragon parties.
No, the ONLY party Adriano is interested in is what is due to start on his computer right now. I can't tell you what's actually on his computer, because I sure as heck can't see it. I wager it's probably just another pretty minor gaming-related celebrity woman he (and thousands of other horny men online) are madly in love with. Let's leave him be.
2:12pm - Dance battle, go!
Mitsuki and Kira head to an outdoor balcony part of the house and commence what I presume is supposed to be a dance-off, but Mitsuki looks more interested in a series of yoga stretches than an actual dance routine with purposeful choreography. But who am I judge whether this is dancing or not. I'm not a dance judge. This could well be a wonderful style of dance that I'm too snobby and classical to acknowledge. Unfortunately, Mitsuki is such a bad influence on Kira it spurs the latter to copy the former's moves.
Neither of you will win Strictly Come Dancing.
3:00pm - After spending the last few hours eschewing trousers in favour of waltzing around the house in his soiled boxers, Adriano finally takes it upon himself to put on some semi-adequate clothes and waltz on the dance floor instead. While Mitsuki wanders off, no doubt keeping up with her newfound lust for mischief by teaching these same moves to everyone else in the house (or she's going to work?), Kira continues the dance-off with Adriano instead. The latter has all the charm and sophistication of a flopping salmon.
I swear, if he goes near Olivia with those dance moves she will rip that moustache right off.
3:37pm - Tom is so mysteriously overcome by discomfort that he feels compelled to also terminate his workday early and return home. Maybe his laboratory assistants have lost all their tolerance for this man's lack of punctuality and his dreadful singing they've decided to spike his drink with a mild dosage of Novichok nerve agent. Gee, I hope not. I wouldn't want Tom to die on us if it's not another housemate directly dealing the deathblow themselves. So he returns home with a very decent $139. This will do very nicely in case we ever need to purchase even more expensive musical equipment in the house for him to abuse in the early hours of the morning.
4:29pm - Wait, what's that smell?
OH NO. NOT AGAIN. WE JUST HAD A GRILL FIRE IN THE SAME HOUSE A COUPLE OF EPISODES AGO.
HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING? WHAT ARE YOU GUYS EVEN DOING TO THIS GRILL? ARE YOU ACCIDENTALLY POURING PETROL INTO IT?
GREAT. NOW STRAWBEARY DAN IS ON FIRE. A MAN IN A RED COSTUME IN THE HOUSE HAS NOW ACCIDENTALLY SELF-IMMOLATED HIMSELF. IT TURNS OUT NONE OF YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES.
TOM MEANWHILE, NO DOUBT STILL GNASHING HIS TEETH AFTER A HUMILIATING DAY AT WORK OF HIS OWN, CAN ONLY NONCHALANTLY SHRUG. IF DAN GOES OUT IN A BLAZE OF GLORY LIKE THIS, IT IS SURELY THE WILL OF WHATEVER ANGRY FIRE SPIRIT DWELLS ON THIS LAND. WHO IS HE, A MERE MORTAL, TO GET IN THE WAY OF A FIRE SPRITE ENACTING DIVINE RETALIATION ON HIS FOOLHARDY HOUSEMATES FOR DISRESPECTING THE SACRED ELEMENT OF FIRE? ALL HE CAN DO IS QUIETLY SLIDE INTO THE POOL AND HOPE THE IMMINENT SMELL OF BURNING FLESH AND FAKE FUR DOES NOT CAUSE HIM TO PASS OUT FACE DOWN IN THE POOL.
MITSUKI HAD ONLY BEEN AT WORK FOR BARELY A COUPLE OF HOURS AND IS NOW CALLED HOME FOR NO APPARENT REASON. I GUESS THE HOUSEMATES JUST WANT SOMEONE WITH ENOUGH CULINARY CHOPS IN THE HOUSE TO BE ABLE TO GRILL A FREAKING FRANKFURTER WITHOUT IT LITERALLY CLAIMING SOMEONE'S LIFE. AT THIS RATE MAYBE SOMEONE PROBABLY SHOULD BE SACRIFICED. LET THAT BE A LESSON TO THIS LOT.
THANKFULLY DAN IS ABLE TO CONJURE UP A FIRE EXTINGUISHER FROM HAMMERSPACE TO EXTINGUISH BOTH HIMSELF AND THE GRILL FIRE WITH ONE BLAST. CRISIS AVERTED FOR NOW. ALL THAT REMAINS IS AN IRATE MITSUKI, A TRAUMATISED AND CHARRED BEAR, ANOTHER INCINERATED GRILL AND...IS THAT KIRA TRIUMPHANTLY STRETCHING LIKE SHE'S EXPECTING THE FINAL FANTASY VICTORY TUNE TO PLAY OVER THE SOUND OF SIZZLING EMBERS?
YES, WE ALL HAVE QUESTIONS FOR YOU, STRAWBEARY DAN. HOW THE F@£K DID YOU EVEN START THAT FIRE? ADRIANO, WHY ARE YOU ASKING QUESTIONS AS WELL? YOU STARTED THE FIRST FIRE. YOU SHOULD BE AN EXPERT AT THIS BY NOW.
5:05pm - I don't know if Dan is religious, but he sure is praising some deity out there now, after his close shave from an agonising, smokey end. Now a humbled but still freshly sizzling man, Dan removes his soot-ridden bear costume and gallivants out into the pouring rain. The fresh sensation of cold water dripping onto his somewhat singed face, skin and clothes is refreshing and very liberating. This sensation is like no other. He is like a man divinely tested, but has survived all thanks to his piety. Such generosity he shall never forget. This rain he will cherish. These scorch marks shall be a testament as to his own hubris and how it so nearly cost him dearly. The rainfall has imbibed in him purpose, duty, a newfound tender love for the world and an appreciation for the fragility of life. No man, alive or dead, can take this away from him. He may as well roll on the mud now and proclaim himself to be one with nature.
Or he and Adriano can simply depart for criminal work right now. This epiphany and sudden, dramatic new appreciation for the wonders of life itself doesn't prevent him from continuing his day job as a crook who starts fights in the middle of the city. Be careful now, Dan. The last time you went to town with your fist out, the police tasered you to the ground and arrested you. Do you really want to flout your bail conditions? Alright, off you go then. At least our two stupid criminals have left the house and cannot start any more fires for the time being.
5:30pm - Having just heartlessly witnessed a fellow housemate start a fire and nearly burn to death with muted reaction, Tom decides, “oh I can start a fire responsibly” and so he lights the outdoor pyre on fire in the rain. Because tempting fate is always advised.
What IS the cause of your discomfort, Tom? Is it the Novichok or the lingering feeling of guilt in that conscience of yours?
He proceeds to switch the flame from orange to violet and...dance in front of the purple fire as if it's some ancient ritual conducted by the natives of this land for millennia? Other housemates simultaneously lose their minds and step out into the drizzling rain to join Tom in the ritualistic dance routine. Whatever spirits are around whose existence are tied to this very sacred land, I am profusely sorry for this shocking display of colonial arrogance, disrespect and cultural appropriation.
Go on, Tyler. Jump into the violet flames on that burning pyre. What could possibly go wrong?
In the meantime, some old woman scuffs Adriano’s new shoes at work and they were the finest faux-leather ever! Such a wanton display of insolence will not go unpunished, particularly if you've harmed the don's prize shoes. This old woman will unfortunately have to sleep with the fishes, be it in the sea or in someone's indoor aquarium. Adriano's orders are swift and brutal. The old lady must die and his shoes must be avenged. However, this octogenarian so happens to be proficient in kung fu, because she effortlessly tosses the much younger don to the ground in front of the other mobsters. Ouch. Someone's street cred has now dipped faster than a pro-Brexit negotiator in Brussels.
Back to the fire dance ritual, Olivia just levels her dancing skills on time and manages to look only slightly more natural and less robotic than either Taylor Swift or Lordebot here.
Mitsuki looks dejected now. Maybe she needs some more social interaction going on in her life but cruel fate forces her to suffer life with this lot? She does act erratically in front of the green fire, which makes me wonder if she knows about the spirits and how upset they are by this dance ritual.
7:32pm - Tired, spent, uncomfortable and most likely feeling the effects of Novichok fully making its way through his circulation system, Tom, to his utter dismay, finds himself compelled by an unseen puppeteer master to do some sick diving moves into the pool. Dear evil puppetmaster, are you trying to make him drown from utter exhaustion?
If you watch closely, you'll also notice Mitsuki turning round and rub her butt in front of the fire for a short few seconds. Maybe her butt was a bit itchy or it was just cold. Either way, we have now all collectively angered the spirits inhabiting this land and I dearly hope we aren't scheduled to come face to face with any of them...
8:11pm - Tyler is busy trying to show that treadmill who is boss. Elsewhere in the house, Olivia miraculously manages to sleep her way through Kira loudly playing a video game on the computer literally right next to her. The game appears to be...The Sims? A Sim is playing The Sims in...The Sims? Simsception? Does Sim Kira genuinely believe she is a "real" person and the characters she controls are simply codes driven by rudimentary artificial intelligence? Do those Sims have any awareness of their own existence as well? Do they also have a Sims game of their own? What about us here? All of you, the people reading this. How do we know we're not Sims ourselves, all playing out elaborate lives as determined by a mix of impressive artificial intelligence and the guiding hand of a malevolent player on the other side of the "screen"? What if we're a much more advanced version of The Sims game like a Sims 12?
Also, why do those Sims in Kira's game sound like monkeys? They surely can't be any dumber than our Sims. Or at least our Sims that have yet to start grill fires.
8:57pm - Olivia can now no longer sleep. Gee, I am shocked. What woke her up? The cacophony of monkey sounds? Kira's mad, fervent mouse clicking? Kira's own giggles? She gets up and heads downstairs towards the kitchen. Kira decides to follow her. Maybe she's simply going to apologise for being so inconsiderate that she woke Olivia up? That sounds like something a loving, caring friend like Kira would do for her friend...
See? It's a lovely, casual conversation. Olivia is uncharacteristically happy despite having been woken up and Kira has been uncharacteristically exuberant all day. I think a relaxed girls' chat is all these two need to wind down and keep the good vibes in this house goi-
HOLY SHOOPUFF DUNG. THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY. LET ME PUT ON MY SPORTS COMMENTATOR VOICE ON RIGHT NOW AND SEE IF I CAN MAKE SENSE OF THIS MADNESS.
Kira has experience with kickboxing. Though she may not have kickboxed for years, you usually don't completely forget the more basic, latent skills and she is using it to her advantage, battering Olivia in the pelvis with incredible force!
That said Olivia is no pushover either! What she lacks in kickboxing experience or any fighting techniques or training for that matter, she makes up for it with her teeth. Ouch! That was one mighty attempt at Kira's exposed shoulder. She should have definitely seen that bite coming, Jeff.
It is absolutely unbelievable, Greg, I agree. I have not seen a bite that savage since Luis Suárez took a bite out of an Italian player's neck back in 2014.
In retaliation, Kira noticed a crucial opening in Olivia's defences and OH THAT IS INCREDIBLE. WHAT A SUPLEX, JEFF. ABSOLUTELY SUPERB.
Indeed, Greg. That suplex will be one for the history books.
Kira looks utterly unfazed. She retains that confidence and knows she is in control of the situation. Look at the way she handles her footwork and her pose. She is always poised and ready with any counterattack by Olivia. Jeff, would you say this match is all but over?
Absolutely not, Greg. While Olivia lacks the finesse and discipline of Kira, she has the indomitable fighting spirit. She is resourceful if nothing else and depending on how drawn out this fight is, it could prove to be a problem for Kira. In this particular match, technique is not the be-all-end-all. It's more about endurance.
Oh, and that was a lovely, rare counter by Olivia there. You can see Kira's head slam against the wooden floor now and the referee does not deem this egregious enough to call for any penalty or free suplex.
Welcome back to the second half of this sensational showdown between Kira Six and Olivia Linnaete. After a semi-inconclusive first half, this is where it will count. Jeff, what do you reckon each fighter needs to do to ensure an overall victory in this battle?
Good question, Greg. For Kira, her route to victory lies in a combination of how she adapts her technique into this frankly rather dirty, below-the-belt brawl. She cannot simply rely on technique alone as her opponent's style is so unconventional by comparison. Olivia is excellent at counter attacks and Kira cannot allow herself to be blindsided when that happens. For Olivia, her route to victory is essentially, anything goes. We've seen her bite, we've seen her claw at Kira's throat and we've even seen hair-pulling from her. She is unpredictable and is capable of anything. Her path is victory is to constantly surprise Kira, but if the fight goes on for too long, Kira could well have a great opportunity here.
Yeah, that's right, Jeff. A very astute analy- OHHH SHE GOES FOR THE JUGULAR THERE. ABSOLUTELY SAVAGE.
They think it's all over AND IT IS NOW. KIRA HAS OLIVIA BY THE THROAT IN A HEADLOCK AND SHE WILL NOT LET GO.
Sensational, Greg. That manoeuvure by Kira was among one of the best I have ever seen and it worked against Olivia. This is definitely one for the books and is an absolute delight.
Tell me about it, Jeff. Olivia is now simply too dazed to properly retaliate anymore. The fight drew on longer than she could handle it and as such it highly benefits Kira.
Indeed, an absolute deserved win by Kira. Stay tuned, we'll have post-match analyses after the break.
9:56am - With Kira triumphant, she triumphantly dances again in front of the jukebox while Tyler snores on the sofa nearby. A battered and dazed Olivia tries to cook a meal.
Wait, what is this? Mitsuki attained Level 3 Mischief? She can now ‘Ask Due Date Sims who aren’t pregnant and Dare Sims to Streak. She can now Kick Over Trashcans, make Prank Phone Calls, Stomp in Puddles and Purchase Voodoo Dolls on the Computer. On top of all this, she can also Tickle the Voodoo Doll’. I for one, am bloody terrified.
11:50pm - Upon realising he hasn't done much in this episode, Tyler takes up the mantle of responsible adult and...naturally asks if Kira would like a soothing, sensual massage in the rain. Still beaming from the afterglow of her match victory, Kira complies and Tyler is left to awkwardly rub his hands on her back, evidently showing signs of someone with no actual clue how to perform a back massage. Nonetheless, he takes this opportunity to have a heart-to-heart chat with Kira, be level with her and find an amiable way to mend this broken relationship between her and Olivia. Both women live under the same roof and the fact that her relationship has become so strained that they resort of physical fighting and mutual hate for each other is a tragedy. If surely there is one man in this house able to bring both warring parties together, it's the Shupuff.
Kira: "You forgot the oil, dumbass"
Meanwhile Dan has been promoted to Petty Thief, yay! A better work day than Adriano at least. However this does make me wonder how lowly he was in the crime syndicate if he’s been promoted TO petty thief! What was he before a petty thief?
12:45am - Olivia returns to bed to recover from her earlier beating. Because no one in this house understands the concept of personal space, Kieran is playing on the PC in the girls' room literally right next to Olivia where previously Kira occupied the seat to play The Sims. I do wonder what Kieran is doing. It doesn't look like he's engaged in a video game. It looks more like social media. Maybe he too is an avid follower of Claudia on her Instagram and cannot wait to see what her Jamaica trip will offer. Or maybe Kieran is busy flirting with a lucky, fair maiden online.
1:10am - What is it with this outdoor hot tub that tranquilises people the moment they step into its warm, bubbly waters? This time it's Adriano enjoying a snooze. I wonder what he could be dreaming of. Maybe a tender moment with some gorgeous blonde maiden in a white dress who is way above his league? Naaaah.
1:17am - What is (a still charred) Dan doing outside on the street at this hour? Is he expecting another member of the crew to come pick him up for another daring heist to steal from a charity shop this time? Why is he outside the Forest Owls residence all tired and confused? Is he thinking of robbing them? What does he think the other house has to offer him? A fresh change of clothes? I'm afraid the only person next door with clothes to spare is Greeny, but that is largely because he keeps vomiting on himself and it works out to be more economical if you keep purchasing new clothes for a baby as opposed to constantly washing them.
2:18am - ZOINKS! JINKIES!
SCOOBY DOO, WHERE ARE YOUUUU?!
Kira casually wanders by when...wait, hang on. What is this red entity doing standing near two of the bathrooms upstairs? Is this a ghost? This ghost does know there isn't anyone occupying either bathroom, right? If she is desperate to shed her excess ectoplasm down a toilet bowl, she can just walk right into one and do her business. She really doesn't have to queue. Wait, hang on. Why is there a ghost here? Who is this a ghost of? What is she here for? Is this ghost simply here to haunt or is this an ominous harbinger of something much worse to come?
Well, Kira is not about to stick around to find out, so she legs it. Olivia may have been an easy opponent in the field of battle, but she is not about to take on an incorporeal intruder.
2:26am - Is this spirit an angry native denizen of this land - land stolen from her people without their consent and given to white settlers who over many generations would transform this place into a decadent, excessively gentrified, affluent neighbourhood and sitting on a part of the property ladder that ordinary families would never be able to reasonably afford?! Don't worry, Olivia is here to find out.
It turns out this is the spirit of a woman named Saanvi. Saanvi is not an ancient native of this land. Her manifestation was not caused by a fervent anger at what she perceives to be flagrant disrespect by the housemates when they earlier performed a dodgy, somewhat offensive fireside ritual dance before a burning pyre of purple flames. In fact, Saanvi knows nothing about the natives who resided on this land for millennia, nor does she have even a rudimentary grasp of what their culture was like. So any cultural appropriation performed within the confines of this household won't need to be answerable to her. Thank goodness. So who is Saanvi?
It turns out Saanvi died in the late 1970s. She lived in a house on this very spot. She lived a content life, would party hard and abused a litany of substances, half of which she knew the names of and the other half...well who knows what she ingested and put in her body. But that wasn't the sin that led to her untimely demise. No, what ultimately did her in was her voracious appetite for red meat. Saanvi reveled in her carnivorous habits, consuming expensive steak after steak, pork loin after pork loin, lamb shank after lamb shank. While her more hippie friends indulged in vegetarianism, Saanvi hosted meat feast parties to make a mockery of her neighbours and acquaintances alike. Guests were encouraged to chomp copious quantities of red meat in front of appalled vegetarians, preferably with their mouths open. For the most hardcore carnivores in Saanvi's parties, some would even roll naked on pools of grease, as a way to devote their undying loyalty to the cause. It was fanaticism bordering on cult-like devotion.
Saanvi died from...well, something related to eating too much red meat and literally nothing else. I'm not the doctor here. You'll have to ask Kira for a diagnosis. But there you go. This is my hastily constructed backstory for this tragic woman, whose death and subsequent haunting will be the inspiration we all need to become
Having heard from Saanvi the whole story that led to her untimely demise, Olivia can only laugh. Despite the fact you can LITERALLY SEE HER EAT A HOT DOG IN THE FIRST EPISODE (unless they're special Quorn vegetarian hot dogs? ARE THEY A THING?), Olivia is a vegetarian, so upon hearing a story that would make any vegan or vegetarian cackle with pride, she instantly moves on to proselytise to a ghost the virtues of vegetarianism. It's the lifestyle Saanvi should aspire for, says Olivia, momentarily forgetting that she is talking to a literal dead person. This preaching only angers Saanvi. Red meat may have contributed greatly to her premature death, but dammit, she refuses to give up her love for steak and bacon.
Before the conversation can turn so ugly that Olivia is forced to turn into a Ghostbuster, the woman somehow manages to use this opportunity to vent about Kira to the ghost. Saanvi seems sympathetic all of a sudden. Perhaps it reminds her of this bitter feud she once had with a woman she lived with for a few years. Saanvi tells Olivia she will speak to Kira herself before gliding into the bathroom and vanishing for good. Saanvi, I don't think Kira is in there.
3:30am - Unperturbed by the fact that she's just seen a literal ghost upstairs, Kira returns back down to cook herself a lovely fish meal. Wait, hang on. Kira doesn't like fish. Wow, she must have been spooked beyond belief.
4:30am - Olivia notices the bowl of animal crackers she's serving to herself have gone bad and are foul, emanating a putrid waft that can be detected from across the kitchen. Yet she tucks in anyway, because I suppose Kira must have beaten her mind into a pulp after the eleventh suplex onto the wooden floor. That or encountering ghosts really does strange things to people. Meanwhile Kira looks dazed. Either it’s the stench of the animal crackers or it is the horrific realisation that she has willingly cooked and eaten fish.
I HAVE A GREAT IDEA, OLIVIA. HOW ABOUT NOT EATING IT?
5:58am - Gee, who would have thought that forcing yourself for absolutely no reason whatsoever to gobble down every helping of those foul, rotting animal crackers would cause havoc to your stomach? With the clock ticking and a race against time ensuing, Olivia marathons her way up the stairs and throws up in one of the upstairs loos. Much like the swing outside, this toilet is now practically unusable for the foreseeable future. Never mind Saanvi's tragic death by red meat. Olivia deserves to join her for an even dafter reason.
YOU ARE VERY CLEVER.
6:10am - Why is Tom talking about his underwear to Kira? Dan and Adriano are both at the table and I can understand it if they’re both talking about mutual crime business, but what on earth are Tom and Kira chatting about? Meanwhile Tyler is bathing naked in the tub and sadly Mitsuki did not give me a screenshot for this.
- - - - - - - - - - B O N U S ! - - - - - - - - - -
Wait, hang on! Let's throw in a bonus mini-episode!
Let's do this one a little differently. For the actual episodes, I analyse the Twitch and YouTube footage of the streams and pick out points worth elucidating on and talking about as part of the overall write-up. For this bonus episode I have decided to construct a mini story of my own interpretation. using a dozen select screenshots. So let's get this started!
For this mini episode, Mitsuki decided to invite some guests over to the house. After all, the more the merrier, right? More new faces to balance out the strong personalities from butting heads, plus hopefully more brains in a house to work out how to more swiftly put out a fire the next time someone sets a microwave alight...
Noctis Lucis Caelum, Crown Prince of the Kingdom of Lucis joins the house party along with his father, King Regis. I cannot quite put my finger on it, but there's something different about these two - like they don't quite look like how I remember them. I think it's the fact that Noctis hasn't brought the Chocobros along. Noctis without his Chocobros is a naked Noctis, vulnerable and very unlike a king. Also, what kind of Lucian king would hire knockoff Merlin to join his Round Table?
Wait, hang on, that's not just any Knockoff Merlin. This is Fil Belazor (@Belazor et Britannia), the Grand Summoner of the Kingdom of Lucis. The Six are his to command and if you misbehave in his quarters, he will not hesitate to order Ramuh down to smite you while on the toilet. There appears to be a minor commotion going on, as Mitsuki does not recall inviting the Grand Summoner along. Why is Fil Belazor part of the royal retinue when his name is not on the invitations list? Fil's protestations are prompt(o) and fierce. "I go where I please, woman!" he barks, "Need I remind you that I have command over deity? If you so much as command me or tell me my place, I will not hesitate to command Titan himself to flip the table and bury you beneath the ground 110 ft deep."
"Nerds," quips the bespectacled man in that unsightly orange coat. I believe this man is Al Espurr (@Espurr) and he is evidently only in this household invited because for reasons beyond any sane human being's comprehension, Greeny (the toddler next door) was also invited to attend this party, and his father is likely already intoxicated and throwing up in the pool as we speak.
Noctis, Regis, Grand Summoner Fil and Queen Brahne sit around a bubble machine(?). Al Espurr got lost and is just awkwardly sitting behind Noctis, looking utterly conspicuous and out of place. King Regis may be a wise statesman, but when alcohol is involved, even his lips become loose. The last thing you want as the ruler of a nation currently enjoying a very tenuous ceasefire with a nearby empire is to drunkenly divulge multiple state secrets in detail to another leader - especially one who enjoys annexing her neighbours...
Mitsuki remains adamant that the invitations list must be adhered to. Only invitees are allowed to attend and she fears if she makes an exception for anyone, even someone as auspicious as Grand Summoner Fil, the floodgates will open and soon she'll be forced to allow anyone into these house parties. That she cannot allow. It's time for this formerly demure and quiet woman to make a stand and forcibly remove any unwanted guest if need be.
Fil can only clutch his ribs and wheeze with sardonic laughter, as if to say to Mitsuki, "YOU and what army, miss?"
Kick off - or rather, punch up time. The match has officially begun. Grand Summoner Fil, ever boastful of his ability to call forth summoned deities to smite his enemies, squares off against Mitsuki. Jeff, have you personally ever seen a match as one-sided as this?
I have not, Greg. This is a remarkable match-up and not one the bookies have ever anticipated at the start. Fil on paper has all the advantages. He has magic, he has the ability to summon monsters and he has years of experience serving for the Kingdom of Lucis. Mitsuki on the other hand lacks any characteristic or power to respond to such an overwhelming opponent. This really IS like taking candy from a baby.
BUT FIL DOES HAVE A WEAKNESS. Mitsuki exploited his one major weakness beautifully and now his spectacles lie broken and shattered on the wooden floor. That was a stunning move. What a thrill it is to watch this showdown.
Fil does have a response. It is not a summoned deity, but he is now resorting to hair pulling. I don't know if the referee has seen this incident but if he has, there is a good chance we may need VAR for this because it isn't certain yet whether that was deliberate or by accid-
OH THAT WAS IN. THAT WAS IN. MITSUKI'S KNEECAPS WENT SWINGING BEAUTIFULLY INTO FIL'S NETHER REGIONS. I HAVE NEVER SEEN A HIT THAT BRUTAL ALL SEASON.
The Oracle herself, Lunafreya Nox Fleuret, is also present in this house party. Surely, Oracle, you have duties to attend to, no? A modest house party such as this seems beneath your station. Hang on, that is a red rose, not a blue sylleblossom. Why is she even offering a rose to this visibly smitten Adriano? He's a criminal by night and a bum by day who half the time does not even wear trousers. Look at him essentially drooling at her.
I don't blame you, Lara Croft. I too would puke uncontrollably if I accidentally walk in on something this abominable myself. Someone should stop this now before I am forced to witness something that will never ever be satisfactorily removed from my eyes or mind no matter how much bleach I throw on myself. Anyone carry a lovely steak knife with them?
I TOLD YOU HE'S A CREEP. Run, Lunafreya. Run far, far away from this man. You too, woman in blue. It is not safe up here. Flee from this place. Flee while you all have the chance.
"Lunafreya?" scoffs LJ, "no, I haven't seen her in the last few hours. Why, did she run away from you when she realised she made a huge mistake upstairs? Dude, come on. You literally stripped down to your Speedos ON THE STAIRS and you made her watch you do it. What is wrong with you? Who even does that?!"
As Adriano takes a minute to contemplate his own idiocy, a petulant Greeny marches across the room with a grunt. There is not a single responsible adult in this house willing to give him his scheduled formula milk for the day and he is inconsolably cross. Where is that useless Al Espurr when a toddler needs him? Fortunately, kindly Tami notices the grumpy toddler on the loose and cheerfully offers to take the kid outside to have a go on the lovely swing set outside. After all, Tom is currently not using it...
"Dude, YOUR mafia gang screwed our boys over yet again. Why do we even have these allegiances where we get absolutely jack from them every single time? So no. No more alliances. Also, no more clandestine drug deals in the bathrooms together. Firstly, we look suspect as heck when other party-goers routinely catch us alone in the toilets together, and secondly, your drugs are a rip-off. I'll get my drugs from Sly instead.
"Also, Don Adriano, nice Speedos. It's a shame the little, worthless package it contains won't even qualify for a free delivery from Amazon!"
"Oh that is it. YOU'RE just mad that I very nearly scored with Lunafreya. Look at you. The only thing you can score is a win against the German football team after you've already broken their legs."
"Oh, you're bringing
"THAT IS IT, YOU SON OF AN INBRED BEHEMOTH!"
I have never seen a match this foul in nature between two relatively even sides since the Battle of Nuremberg in 2006 between Portugal and the Netherlands, Jeff.
Absolutely, Greg. Neither side has a steady head on their shoulders at this point and at the rate this match is going, neither will have their heads attached to their shoulders. It really goes to show the importance of having a well-officiated match with a referee that always has an eye on the situation and the clout to control the match to prevent it from spiralling out of control.
The referee has indeed awarded a free suplex to LJ Soulcorruptor. LJ takes this chance and...fails to suplex Adriano. I think this match has become too long and protracted for both sides. This match has so far been even and inconclusive. Both men are tired and their energy are spent, but their fighting spirit hasn't dampened one bit.
Indeed. This is the sight of two sides who are insatiably hungry for a victory. This is indeed a massive far cry from any friendly match. Forget everything you've seen in the group stages. This is pure, unadulterated carna- OOOOH. WHAT A SHOT. I CANNOT BELIEVE HE WAS ABLE TO DUNK HIS OPPONENT'S HEAD INTO THE TOILET LIKE THAT. SURELY THE REFEREE WILL NOT ALLOW SUCH A MOVE!
I'll let you guys insert your own caption here.
Woo! That was a lot. We've got more next time, so stay tuned for Episode 4 sometime soon where we'll return to the Forest Owls residence. Or we could mess around by moving everyone into squalid Soviet-era apartment blocks and watch them all wallow in misery, I dunno. I don't write the script.
My name is Linnaete and I am signing out!