CWOTM 3: "It's Been A Year" - by Nobodys-Heartless

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s ᴏ ʟ ɪ ᴛ ᴜ ᴅ ᴇ
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Story Title: Its been a year
Style: Original
Mature Content: Yes
Summary: A story, part fact part fiction of growing up without something many people take for granted, the love of a father

It’s been a year, three hundred and sixty five days since the last time I saw your smile, since the last time I heard your voice. I can remember them still, on lonely nights they haunt my dreams, a life that could’ve been, should’ve been, WOULD’VE been mine. If only one thing hadn’t happened, if only that thing had been the nightmare instead of my waking world. I’ve tried to come and see you, tried my best but failed. Maybe you are happy I failed, maybe I shouldn’t try to come and see you, but sometimes the only thing that stops the pain, the ache of life, is that warm blood slowly trickling down my arm. The only sound to permeate the angry silence of the world is the dripping of that blood as it hits the porcelain of the sink, or the floor as I fall down beyond where the real world ends.

It’s been five years since I last saw you. No longer can I remember your laugh, your voice, they elude me now. My memories are foggy at best, maybe that is for the best though, maybe you too have forgotten me as I have forgotten you, has time made me unrecognisable as the one you once called son? I worry all the time that what you saw in me died with you and that I no longer matter because I only ever mattered to you. Maybe if I hadn’t done everything I have done since losing you I would be what you saw inside me all along. If only, two words that often appear in my letters to no one, to someone who would find my body and notify others. Maybe you haven’t forgotten me you are merely ashamed of what I have become, the countless failures in my life forming a bleak tapestry of greys and blacks leading all the way back to the day I lost you

It’s been ten years since I lost you, since you disappeared to the one place I couldn’t follow. I no longer try to come to you, the only failures now are the ones that happen when I try to live instead of exist, so many wrong decisions all turning into the wrong life. Am I your son? If I was your son would I still be me? So many questions without answers, the whole world seemingly knowing more than I ever will without letting me have a guiding hand in what’s going on. So many faces smirking at me from the shadows of my world, taunts and jeers that only I seem to hear aimed at me as I struggle on in the world. Moving on from one hurt to the other as time ticks on unheeding my need for a break, a rest, some form of respite from the pain I live with every day

It’s been twenty years since you went away. Now I have another to call me the name I once called you. One less letter but with the same syllables. I have a reason to live, but shouldn’t there be more? When I look at him I see you and swear I’m not going anywhere while he still needs me, but is that the truth#/ isn’t that what you thought looking into my face when I was that young age? Perhaps even that fateful night you thought you would see me again soon, but here I am and there you are, divided by the most painful of veils. I remember the things you taught me and pass those on to him, but you taught me so little and he is getting so old that I am running out of things you taught me to teach him, im having to be a father for once instead of copying you, its scary, its liberating but I don’t think he needs to learn to live without his father as I had to. Perhaps I can hold on just a little more. Just one more day maybe.

It’s been forty years since you left me to fend for myself, to protect the name and heritage you passed on to me. I know I didn’t do right by you for a while in the beginning of the fight, didn’t pick the right things or didn’t fight the good fight. I can see you now, smiling at me while I listen to the slow beeping of the heart monitor, I see you stood behind my son like you had never gone away, the father I remember looking down at the son I used to be and smiling as you see just how strong I have been, how far I have come from being that snot-nosed little boy and growing into a powerful and respected man. Soon now the final bell will toll for me and I will be reunited with you, I just hope my own child doesn’t take the short cut to come and see me before his life is done. And if he does I hope he fails just as I did when I wanted to come and see you
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