Urban Dynasty: War for the Neighborhood

June 30, 2008, 8:34 PM

Chapter One: Tides of War

It was quiet in Holy Oak tonight. No laugher of childeren, nor the cries of the innocent. It was just silence. The Holy Oak, once the evny of other countys, now stood in ruins, buried with the piles of bodys and blood. The great silver building also know as the great pillers, now layed shattered across the battleground, almost like a persons last tears falling from the ground and solidfying. Even the tree made houses and stores were reduced to nothing but fire wood. The silence would fool many, thinking it was a peaceful thing . It was not. If any survivals lived here, the only woke to an unending nightmare filled with death at every cornor.

From the ruins of the town, there stood a cloaked hedgehog, his face hidden by his black hood. His name was Cross Yuiakade, and he was the clause of this. He viewed the dead with little intrest, only waitting for some signal, something to show what the worth was of his kingdom. He pulled out his hand covered in black and white fur; lighting a cigar and placing it in his mouth. The smoke was the only sigh that he was breathing, other than that, he was as life less as a statue. He suddeny spat the cigar from his mouth, sensing an aura he never felt before. He grinned, his cloaking wrapping around him and blending him in the shadows. But not before he said three words.

-"They have come."

***

-"Keitaro, you awake?"

A blue fox with a black police officer outfit openned the door to his captains office. His quils were spiked back and his eye burning red. His name was Lenvias and he happened to be the second in command at Holy Oak Police Force. On the desk, the sleep a medium sized red hedgehog with a selves vest and slightly baggy blue jeans. His quils hung over his face, making it seem like he was always sleeping.

-"Zzz."

-"Keitaro?"

The sound of the fox's voice made the captain stir, openning one eye to look at him.

-"What is it Lenvias, can't you see I'm in the middle of a meeting."

-"Uh, Keitaro, you've been asleep for almost the whole day."

That made Keitaro think for a minute, before just shrugging his shoulders.

-"Ok, I'm awake now. What did you want to talk to me about?"

The fox pulled out a small file from his chest and placed it on the desk. The hedgehog grabbed it and breifly read it. His eye's widen, before he glanced back at Lenvias.

-"Is this correct?"

-"I believe so, I have reason to believe that the Main HQ sent ten members of an elitle squad to help us combat Cross's army."

Keitaro's eye's darken, his face still fresh with the large X scar Cross had left on his nose.

-"I hope it's true. Tomorrow, we will meet these new arrivals."

And let us hope they will help end this war.

((This is a story I've been writting for a while. I'm still working on chapter two, here's some information about the two rivils in this story.))

Team Name: Holy Oak Police Force
Team Leader: Keitaro Washi
Second In Command: Lenvias Michio
Recruits: [Four Spots Open]
Team Information: The Holy Oak Police Force was based off the early ancestors of the Holy Knights of Oak Village. They are one of the best task force on PX, because of beings raised from sons and daughters of the ancient knights. Because of some many crime today, may of them have been called of on missions to protect of neighborhoods and countrys., leaving their home town a plague for crime. The crimes gotten so bad, that people where forced to put the town on lock down. In other words, once they let you in, your staying in. The Captain, Keitaro Washi and the second in command, Lenvias Michio are the only ones left during this time, but even with their great police records, It is still only two aganist a city of criminals.

Team Name: Knights of Shadows
Team Leader: Cross Yuiakade
Second In Command: Ryu Toshi
Recruits: [Four Spots Open]
Team Information: The Knights of Shadows where based off the same ideas as the Holy Knights of Oak Village. However with darker intenstions. The most fight with honor, never attacking an unharmed opponent with their weapons, and most of good reasons for what they're doing. However that does not mean they won't kill and harm people who get in their way. This group was one of the main reason the city is now a urban battleground, blocking of exits and only allowing people to come in and stay in. The leader, Cross Yuiakade wasn't always the great crime lord, he was once part of the Holy Oak Police Force. That was until, when he was blammed for the murdered of the former police chief, who was also his father. Cross was horriffied, and had ran away from the place he had given his life for. Word is that has always stirred bad blood between the KOS and the HOPF. It's just a matter of time of who will out last who.

((Comments are welcomed..))

July 2, 2008, 2:59 AM

Here I am, and I'll tell you what I think. Overall, you're off to a good start: The description paints a good picture, and the dialog is running smoothly.

Now, firstly, I've got to ask, is English your first language? Because you have some odd mispellings: "murbered" when you mean "murdered." and word confusion "thing it was a peaceful thing." You mean "think it was a peaceful thing."

Secondly, this is an original fic? Or is it a Sonic the Hedgehog fic? I don't know about Sonic, so I can't tell. Also, I kinda don't like furry stories, but that's just me. I'm saying a little bit of a warning, or a heads up about the content of your fic would have been nice.

Finally, I think you better not pin your hopes on getting people to submit their own characters for you to use. I know it sounds like a fun idea (I've done it once or twice), but you've got to consider the possibility that the people that read your story may like it, but don't feel compelled to post.

Trust me, just think of your own characters and play our your own story. If you make the story interesting enough, people will read it, even if you're not using their character.

July 8, 2008, 5:03 PM

((Thanks for you comment BlueMage. As for you question, this is an orgnial fic. It may seem like something from sonic, but it's not.))

Chapter Two: Brothers of War

Keitaro yawned loudly, making some of the bird fly away. He stood at the gates of Holy Oak, well if you can call broken tree trunks and rotting corpse gates. It was mid morning, barely any of Cross men would be out, and allowing Keitaro to meet them before the KOS could recruit them. He leaned back on a trunk, soaking up some rays. He wore his hair tied back, showing his burning red eyes and X shape scar. He had on a plain white t-shirt, with baggy black jeans; and two pistols around his waist. He looked at his watch, checking to see if he had came early. No, he was on time, but the arrivals were no where to be seen.

“Hmm…this is strange. I hope Lenvias didn’t get the information wrong again.”

He closed his eyes and breath sharply, hoping that wasn’t the case. It was then that he heard the roaring of an engine, along with several gun shots. His eyes snapped open, and he drew his pistols to turn and face who ever were around. No one was there, but the sound of the engine and gun shots increased. He turned his direction towards the outside of town, his eyes widening at what he saw.

Atticus Nahoto Hinsoma-Introduction Song.

The bike curved to left, dodging six rains of bullets. It was black looking, with red chromed out on the top and the sides. On the bike, sat one hedgehog and one echidna, both trying the best tired out their opponent. Behind them, their precursor flew through the skies with his wings, shooting off a round of fire each time he got a shot.
The person driving the bike was a dark green head hog with a large hood jacket that cover his face and slightly baggy blue jeans. He wears white gloves and black and blue kicks. His name was Atticus Nahoto Hinsoma, and he was at all pleased with this turn of events. He hit the breaks on the bike, right as his enemy flew downward and right in the back of the bike. Atticus then hit the gas, nearly tosses of the second rider.

“Nice job, if you trying to get me killed, Atticus!”

The echidna replied coolly, glaring at Atticus with deep ocean blue eyes.

“At least I did something, other than some people I know.”

Atticus retorted, though his voice held not malice in it. This was just the way his partner acted sometimes. He turned around to look at the other rider, his eyes looking up to see their enemy release a blast of fire. He increases the throttle, turning sharp left, and seeing the gates of Holy Oak.

Zarvuno Zustri Zesoma-Introduction Song.

The second rider started to chant, his black dreadlocks floating in the air. His skin was pale, palely than most echidna. He wore a black headband across his forehead, with a red X marked on the center. He had on a shirtless black jacket with black jeans and gloves with X marked on them. He stopped chanting, several ghostly images appearing behind the bike, as it speed in the direction of the gates.

“I hope you die.”

Zarv replied sharply to enemy, turning his attention back at the gates.

Dragzer Pridermane Dragoon-Introduction Song

The young liondragon’s eyes widen. He hadn’t expected his opponents to summon the dead to help them with their escape. His solemn blue eyes darken, knowing this wasn’t going to be an easy fight. He allowed his thick, gold mane to flow in the wind, taking a deep breath. He had a snout of lion, and the build of one too. However he hade a dragon tail and wings, talons sharp enough to rip a person in half. He wore hard leather armor with a chainmail mesh attached along with leather boots and two sheaths for his rapiers. He drew his weapons, and charge forward towards the first ghostly echidna. His name was Dragzer Pridemane Dragoon.
It held a large black spear which it thrusted forward at the beast, which was parried by the rapier. Dragzer slashed across his opponent’s chest, going straight through with no damage. Another spirit charge from behind, but Dragzer sensed this and flipped over him, allowing the other echidna
to be speared by his comrade.

“So, it looks like I can’t hurt you, but your allies can.”

He grinned, showing his fangs. He roared, charging in once more at the spirit, his other comrades, moving in with cautions. The second spirit held twin scimitars, spinning them around to show off his skill. He spins them around his neck, off his arms and on his foot before catching them in his palms. That made Dragzer jaw drop.

“Oh, this is going to be a long day.”

To be continued…

July 10, 2008, 10:40 PM

Well, the quality is consistent. Another good entry. Except, you left everything Centered.

Also, it really apparent in this chapter that you wrote this in a script-like format, especially since you added those Youtube links. They're a really neat touch, but their a bit of a crutch. To quote TV Tropes entry on Song Fics, they're

Quote:

a cheap way to establish the mood without being creative yourself.

Which is bad, because you've got talent, and with a little extra effort on your part, you could establish the mood yourself without the Youtube Links.