The Journey

December 1, 2007, 9:36 PM

Chapter 1: The Fight
<o:p> </o:p>
“You bitch!” screamed a girl, pushing another girl down.
“Excuse me!?” the other girl said while getting back up, “If you want to start a fight, you’d have to tell me what it’s about first,” she says, then starts to walk off.
“You stole my boyfriend!” the first girl screams.<o:p></o:p>
The other girl stops in her tracks, turns around, and comes back and screams, “ WHAT BOYFRIEND! I HAVE NO BOYFRIEND! So… if I don’t have a one how could I have stolen one!?<o:p></o:p>
The first girl speechless says, “But… but…” she started but was quickly interrupted by her boyfriend.<o:p></o:p>
“That’s enough, you two!” he screamed.<o:p></o:p>
“Eli!” the first girl cried and ran towards him, but he ignored her as he walked towards the other girl.<o:p></o:p>
“Leila, you ok? He asks the other girl.<o:p></o:p>
“Yeah, I’m ok…” Leila responds.<o:p></o:p>
Eli’s girlfriend comes up to Eli and screams, asking, “Why’d you ignore me!?” <o:p></o:p>
Eli coolly responds, “It seemed like it was you who was you who was the one who started the fight, so why should you get any special attention from me for doing that?”<o:p></o:p>
“Well… umm… she… umm…” she responds, unable to come up with an excuse.<o:p></o:p>
Eli turning his attention back to Leila asks, “Are you hurt or anything? Our ‘mom’ would kill me if you were hurt!” <o:p></o:p>
“Wait, why would they kill you, and why did you say ‘our mom’?” Eli’s girlfriend asked, interrupting.<o:p></o:p>
“Well… That one’s easy, he’s my brother,” Leila answers then turns her attention to Eli, “and Eli, don’t worry, I’m not hurt.” <o:p></o:p>
“Well, that’s good,” Eli sighs in relief, then looks at his wristwatch, “OH MY GOD!” he screams.<o:p></o:p>
“What!?” Leila asks in surprise.<o:p></o:p>
“We have to get you home, or our mom would probably kill me for that also!” Eli said.<o:p></o:p>
“Oh… that” she says disappointed<o:p></o:p>
Eli continues, “Yeah… well, should we go then?” <o:p></o:p>
“Yeah, sure,” Leila agrees, “I’m sitting in the front though!”<o:p></o:p>
“No you’re not!” Eli’s girlfriend argues.<o:p></o:p>
“Yes, I am! You can sit in the front when I leave!” Leila argues back<o:p></o:p>
Eli obviously staying out of this fight, starts to head for the car. A few moments later, the girls notice Eli walking off and they both started running towards him. Catching up to him, the three of them all then headed to the car. When they got to the car it took about five minutes for the two to figure out who was sitting in the front. In the end, Leila was the one who actually one the seat. They all got in and finally drove off.<o:p></o:p>
“See you!” Leila said as she got out of the car.<o:p></o:p>
“Bye!” Eli replied as hi girlfriend, just got into the front seat of the car, and closed the door. <o:p></o:p>
“Hey Eli!” Leila yells tuning around.<o:p></o:p>
“Yeah?” he asks<o:p></o:p>
“Be home by nine, no later, k?” Lela says jokingly.<o:p></o:p>
“Ok, mom,” Eli replies, laughing, then drives off.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p>~~~~~~ </o:p>
“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?” screams a voice, right when Leila walked into the door.<o:p></o:p>
“At school, mom!” she replies, just closing the door.<o:p></o:p>
Her mom comes up and then hits Leila hard across the face, knocking her down to the ground, “Liar!”<o:p></o:p>
“I was mom!” Leila yells back, getting back up<o:p></o:p>
“You lie! You were with someone!” she screams, punching Leila this time, knocking her down again…<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>~~~~~~
Lela finally able to get up to her room, only after being beaten by her drunken mother, was now lying on her bed crying, she kept crying until she fell asleep.<o:p></o:p>
When she finally woke up, she realized it was past supper and now her only chance for food was to sneak into the kitchen and get some food form the fridge.<o:p></o:p>
She got up and started heading down the hallway towards the stairs. When she was about to pass Eli’s room, something stopped her.<o:p></o:p>
She started to scream, but then her mouth was quickly covered to quiet her.<o:p></o:p>
“Shh… Leila it’s me,” came Eli’s voice.<o:p></o:p>
Leila calmed down the moment she heard his voice, and Eli uncovered her mouth. Leila then quietly asked, “What are you doing up!?”<o:p></o:p>
“Well, I heard you coming, so I thought I’d stop you to ask what you were doing” he answers, then sees the new bruises on her.<o:p></o:p>
“Umm… nothing, nevermind,” she said not wanting to admit her hungerness.<o:p></o:p>
“She drank again, didn’t she?” Eli asked<o:p></o:p>
Leila reluctantly shook her head yes, and started to cry again.<o:p></o:p>
Eli then hugged Leila to comfort her and she almost immediately stops crying. She hugs him back and then says, “Umm… Eli… I’m hungry”<o:p></o:p>
Eli now dumbstruck, starts to laugh, “Ha-ha-ha-, okay, I’ll go get you some food, you just wait in my room, k?”<o:p></o:p>
“Okay” Leila says with a smile on her face.<o:p></o:p>
Eli then starts for the kitchen and Leila goes into his room.<o:p></o:p>
A few moments later, Eli shows up with a plate of food. He comes over to Leila and hands her the plate.<o:p></o:p>
“Thanks, Eli” Leila said, smiling at him.<o:p></o:p>
“Your welcome, now eat up, so we can go to bed, ‘little sis’ ” Eli responds in a jokingly manner.<o:p></o:p>
Leila just about to take her first bite, hears that and drops her fork and turns to Eli. “ ‘Little sis’!? What do you mean by ‘little sis’!? I’m only a few months younger than you!<o:p></o:p>
Eli laughs, then says, “I was only kidding!”<o:p></o:p>
“I know, but still…” Leila says, then looks down at her plate.<o:p></o:p>
“Leila…” Eli says quietly to himself.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p>~~~~~~ </o:p>
“Goodnight brother!” Leila says as she walks back to her room.<o:p></o:p>
“Goodnight sis!” Eli replies and watches his sister safely get back to her room and close the door. He then went into his room, closed the door, and then lied down on his bed and quietly fell asleep.<o:p></o:p>
~~~~~~
Leila who just finished closing her door, turns around and sees her room. She goes towards her bed, lying down on it, soon to also fall asleep…<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>*End of Chapter 1<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>

December 1, 2007, 9:56 PM

Interesting...I like it.

Just one thing....the ending....it's too plain and a bit weird. After beeing beaten by her drunken mother... I don't think she would fall asleep so easly.
Otherwise it's nice....waiting for chapter 2.

December 1, 2007, 11:46 PM

i know.. i tried coming up with a better ending like she went into her brother's room and that she could only fall asleep in there, but... i didnt know how to put it...

December 2, 2007, 8:02 PM

Say something like...what she feels...or that she enters an imaginary world which comforts her and she falls asleep when that dream is getting very beautiful...you know....the feeling of dissapointment which takes place because dreams never last

.....just a sugestion.

December 2, 2007, 8:16 PM

Feels like it really happened. Well done! Can't wait to read the second chapter!

December 23, 2007, 11:41 PM

'Ello. Hate to sound nitpicky, but there were some punctation errors.

Here you left out the periods at the end of the sentences...

Quote:

“I was mom!” Leila yells back, getting back up

Quote:

“Yeah?” he asks

etc. There were a couple of times when you wrote one word when it seems like you meant another.

Quote:

Leila yells tuning around.

I assume you meant "turning"--heh.

And you switched back and forth between past and present tense in some areas:

Quote:

“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?” screams a voice, right when Leila walked into the door.

Other than that, though, it was pretty interesting. Your characters are intriguing, and it will be interesting to see how you flesh them out in later chapters. Keep writing!

August 2, 2008, 12:40 PM

yeah, that was kinda a rough draft, and i found those mistakes in my paper when i read over it again and thanks for the insight on that,

i have to say i do make a lot of mistakes sometimes in my writing but i try not to

Anyways i have like a lot of other chapters done for this but i dont know, cause its kinda like the brother falls in love with someone from naruto and leila falls in love with someone from furuba *guess who, sry* but i'm thinking of changing the story in a way somewhat :/ *thinks to self* ah... nvm, i'll let you read it first then see how it is, but first i have to have the time to get it on the computer first :/

Oh, and also i think i'm going to change the name of the story to something else but i dont know what yet :/ *starts thinking of one for the time being*

ok, that should sum that up... *looks over post* shit.... that was a long post....