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Join Date: June 2008
Location: Bradford, England
Age: 19
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The Dragon Legion
Hi all, I am a aspiring writer so I would like some feedback on my short stories.....cheers!!
The stories are set in a land known as Nygard, which is ruled by 4 kings; the King of the North, King of the South, King of the East and King of the West. While 4 kings live the world is at peace, however should a king fall then the shadows of chaos shall consume the world.
Prologue - The Fall of Hope
Leopold gazed around his throne room, the many treasures he had won in his long life displayed as a testament to his glory. He felt reassured by the memories of his triumphs, at least he would be remembered even when his bones were dust......he shivered despite his pride. The shadowy warrior stud over him, the ornate armour he wore emblazened with images of dark creatures from a forgotten time and his cold eyes burning with inner fire. The old king rubbed his gnarled hands and fought to keep himself calm, he knew this day would come, but the thought of what his death would herald soread fear throughout his mind.
"Are you ready my king?" said the armoured warrior, the sword he held bearly a hairs lenght from the kings pale neck.
"I have seen my death for 50 years, it is time" replied Leopold as he removed his crown and placed it upon his throne.
"Then there is nothing more to say" whispered the warrior and with one blinding speed he brought his balde down. The last thing Leopold saw was a vision of the future awaiting his people and the one warrior who could save them all.
Join Date: June 2008
Age: 25
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Ok, from one aspiring author to another, I am providing you with some constructive criticism. Please don't take any of this too personally at all. I only want to help give other writers the tools to attain our shared dream...
Though extremely short, even for a prologue, this very limited piece did exactly what it was supposed to do. It introduces the seeds for the main concept really easily - so kudos on that. However, with that same token, because of it's lack of depth, it is difficult to forge a link, emotionally or otherwise, to this pivotal event, since we know so little of the King or the visions of death and doom to his citizens because of it.
Since these four Kings are pivotal to the entire world's balance, I take it that they have been in existence for some time. You set the King's age through the use of 'gnarled hands', 'pale skin', and his previous triumps. Though those are all nice touches, you can deepen this sense of age, and expand upon the story itself at the same time - and it doesn't even have to be overly overt either. For example, install the illusion of age within the reader by having his mind casually reminiscence over those past triumpths, jumping from one event to the other. Age can also be signified through the use of movement. Have him take time to stand, sit or move about, etc... All of this adds to the illusion of age.
Your use of prose, for nineteen years of age, is clear, I get a instant sense of the images that you are attempting to portray, but it is in real need of deeper descriptiveness for a potential writing career. What makes this man a King? What was he wearing? Is there something regal in his stance and movement? (In fact the one regal prose you did was when he took off his crown and placed it on his throne - great stuff!). What was the throne, or the throne-room like? What was his family's crest? What kingdom does he reside over - North, South, East or West?
And then of course, there is his assailant. The one major cliched line you used was:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Forgotten Warrior
...and his cold eyes burning with inner fire.
It's just one of those long since over-used lines and images, from TV to films to books. You could have forged the dread, fear and power that this dark figure has through a number of alternate options. The way, and weight, in which he grips his blade, his menacing posture, his movement and steps, the shadow he casts in the dim light, etc... Eyes are windows to the soul, but yeah, in this instance, it's just a well overused cliche. Though highly familiar (so it feels right, which is also why you probably didn't spot it yourself) it's always best to describe something differently if you feel that it could have been done in such a way so many times before.
Grammar seemed to be spot on, I only noticed one small mistake:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Forgotten Warrior
... from the kings pale neck.
Remember, the use of the all important ' when designating something that belongs to something else. The king's pale neck. The warrior's blade. The sun's eerie light. Etc... Aside from that, perfect. Spelling however was somewhat lacking. The number one rule before you send anyone a piece of written work, always, always spell-check. Potential agents and publishers will not give your work a second glance upon seeing several mistakes ... all in two - three paragraphs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Forgotten Warrior
The shadowy warrior stud over him...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Forgotten Warrior
...his death would herald soread fear throughout his mind.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Forgotten Warrior
... the sword he held bearly a hairs lenght from the kings pale neck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Forgotten Warrior
... he brought his balde down.
As you can see, I got so much from such a short piece, and if this is the first instance that a publisher or agent is going to read, it does need some work. My main advice for you is to expand upon everything that you have written. Really delve into the moment - the environment, the old King's state of mind and emotions, the assailant's sudden presence and significance for the future, etc... And of course, always spell-check. I can't stress this final piece of advice enough! It really does make the difference between someone picking up your work and at least reading it, or just setting it aside.
Please let me know when / if you do revise this opening piece. I'd love to read it and give my comments on the improvements.
The Dragon Legion 
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