I've only read chapter 1, and I have to agree with Unphased (We're even the same age. Funny coincidence). It's anime-ish, you use some words too often, your description is a tad choppy. My difference is, that I did not enjoy the story, because the flow was disjointed.

For starters, you should have placed Denzel Lamarck's remark at the beginning of the story, so that I know what I'm getting into at the start, instead of thinking I'm reading a Naruto Fanfiction.

Second, the beginning scene with the Genjutsu amounts to nothing. You main character is running in a city, meets up with his group, they argue and the illusion ends. All that did was establish that they have Genjutsu in your world. Plus, Filden fails this "Ninja Exam," but then you say that he's going to become a Summoner, which is supposed to be very hard. That is inconsistency. Like someone who fails English, but is also Valedictorian.

Finally, the dialogue is choppy, but every-frickin-body has this problem when they're starting, that I feel cliche' that I have to point it out. If you're at all like me when you started out, you probably think that the audience is smart enough to catch the little clues you sprinkle through out the dialogue. Believe me, they're not. Save yourself the typing and just tell people in the narrative, don't make them figure it out by the dialogue.

The key to dialogue is LESS is MORE. Less instances of talking, and saying what you want to say in the least amount of words, while still maintaining what the character wants to get across. This is hard for everyone. It takes me 20 minutes to write a paragraph, because I'm constantly rewriting and editing what's being said.

You have to constantly keep in mind what is being said, who's saying it, to who, and why. Let's look at one exchange

Now, read this outloud like this:

Now, you can clearly see why I say it looks choppy, but what redundant instances are there? You can cut out Line #2, because in L3 you establish that you'll only explain it once.

In L4 you repeat that the character has a plan, when you already establish that in L1. Also, when you say that the mission will be completed fast in L4, then it's redundant to say "without hassle" in L5. L6 is perfect.

So, you can streamline this dialogue into this:

Also, don't hesitate to use contractions, especially in a characters speech. Most people don't say "cannot" and "will not" unless they're trying to really emphasize something: "You can not have that baby!" "You will not go in that room!"


You have a good command of the language, there's no grammar or spelling mistakes. Most people would be lucky to have that to start, now you've got to polish the story. Kudos on using Summoner's with horns, no one like to use those.

I don't know if you're going to continue this, but that's my assessment based on Chapter 1.

I'm in a bit of a hurry, so I'll respond witha short question.

Do you actuallly want comments, or do you want people to just say "I love this chapter, keep writing"?


I'm not trying to be mean. I'm not trying to say "You suck. This sucks. You should quit writing." My main comment is that your story flow is disjointed. And it can be fixed with some editing. All proffessional writers have editors, why is it so weird that you might need an editor, too?

I didn't want to repeat what unphased had said. He did cover the most important points.


I'll explain myself better later. But, I've got to go. I won't be online until tonight or tomorrow.

Okay. Let's handle this one comment at a time, so that neither one of us is overwhelmed.

Upon reviewing what I have said, I was not clear enough.

What I meant to say is that your "Introduction Memoir" is weak. It's not an introduction at all. It's more of a tease, which is the type of thing that gets printed on the back of the book, where people are going to judge weather they give you the time of day or not.

Color me pretentious, but I consider a prophecy a really cheap plot device. Because using a prophecy suggests that what happens is because Fate preordained it, and none of it is the fault of the characters. The stars and planets don't have to align to create an engaging storyline. Look at Romeo and Juliet, they killed themselves in the end because of the consequences of their (and their family's) actions.


I'm suggesting you should rewrite your introduction, because it is uninteresting. Spend more than one paragraph getting the reader warmed up about your world, because the next thing you do is drop the audience into a strange place. And that's a different topic, but do you understand me now?

Alright, let's continue.


Now, what's the best way to put this...
PART 1

It was an "Illusion Spell" and Genjutsu means "Illusion Technique."

Naruto is a 15 year old Ninja with a demon inside him. Filden is "a 16 year old ninja, and a born summoner" who will make a pact with a spirit.

Naruto meets his squad of 3 other ninja. Filden meets his squad of
2 other "Summoners" or whatever.

It's like Green Apples and Red Apples. Technically different, but fundamentally the same. Okay, maybe that's over simplifying. A better idea is Ninja Turtles and Extreme Dinosaurs. It's not incorrect that we could describe your story with the phrase, "Like Naruto, but..."

In this case, "Like Naruto, but with Summoners."

It's called being Contemporary. Things that are contemporary and show remarkable similarities will be inevitably compared to one another. For instance, any macho action movie right now will automatically be compared to 300, be that 30, 000 BC, Beowulf or Nomad. Doesn't matter if they were created independent from one another, they are all automatically compared.

For another example, Naruto himself was originally going to star in a manga about Demons and Wizards, but Kishimoto didn't want to be compared to Harry Potter, so he scrapped the idea and reused the character later. Mahou Sensei Negima is often described as "Harry Potter meets Love Hina."

The instant you chose to make your main character a Ninja, you automatically put yourself in a category to be compared with Naruto.

PART 2

I'll ask you again, what did you really do in that opening Illusion?

First, you did a description of the landscape (that wasn't there all along), and dodge some bullets.
Second, you describe what Filden looks like.
Third, the main character runs up a wall.
Then, you describe Zeria. And then Kamui.
Finally, you begin to explain the plan, but never finish.
The boy and girl start to argue, and the illusion ends.

How much of that could you have done if they had just been "sitting down bored on a setty. " Hint: It's the stuff I wrote in blue. Heck, he could even run up a wall in the house.

Besides that you didn't do much in your introduction, it amounts to nothing because it turns out to be an illusion all along.


Think of it this way. Ever meet a girl you like (or Boy, whatever), and you talk to her/him for 20 minutes. And you think things are going great. You're already planning stuff in your head. Until he/she finally utters those words, "My boyfriend thinks that, too."

The potential for a date was an illusion, and you just wasted your time. And when you made the opening scene an illusion, you were wasting the readers time.

If you're wasting the reader's time, you must not respect them. And if you don't respect the audience, they're going to walk out on you. You need a lot of Rep to pull off "it was all a dream," intros and endings.

I get what you were trying to do. You were trying to start off wit some action, but you quit before you got to the action. If you really wanted to entice the readers, you should have followed the mission through. Making it all an illusion is a slap to the face. When I read it, I wanted to quit reading, and there are other readers that must have felt the same.