FFVIII True

March 11, 2007, 1:25 AM

Like FFVII True this was written by my sister, and once again i do not take responsibility for the content, which includes mild swearing and excessive Quistis abuse.

From the creator who gave you FFVII True, I give you.....FFVIII TRUE!!! The true story of FFVIII. Now all you bastards gather 'round!

Audience: Why are you being mean!?

I....don't know!

Audience: Figures....

Anyways......there was once two men named Seifer and Squall.

Seifer: I'm the best!
Squall: Whatever.
Seifer: Will you stop saying whatever!?
Squall: Whatever.

Seifer, in a rage, cut Squall with his gunblade during training.

Squall: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!!?
Seifer: YOU BROKE MY HEART!!!
Squall: Yeah, well Sephiroth broke mine!

Squall cuts him back. With Sephiroth in heaven....

Sephiroth: It's bad enough I have fangirls chasing after me, but now Squall likes me? Why do you hate me GOD!?
GOD: I just like eggs.......
Some Angel: .....I still, to this day, don't know how he could be GOD.
GOD: PICKLES!!!

Squall soon was in a hospital wing, feeling very hurt.

Squall: Ugh.....
Nurse: You ok?
Squall: Oh, yeah, I'm fine, I just got cut in the head is all!
Nurse: WHY DO MEN KEEP BREAKING MY HEART!!?
Sephiroth In Heaven: GOD hates you, that's why.
GOD: GOOGLE!!!!

Instructor Quistis Trepe came to see Squall.

Quistis: Hey babe! How 'bout you and me do some romancing?
Squall: ......I hate you.
Quistis: Yeah, and pigs fly!

She snorted while she laughed and started picking her nose. Squall could notice a brown stain on her backside.

Squall: Did you soil yourself!?
Quisits: ...Maybeh.

She laughed and snorted.

Squall's Thoughts: Why doesn't she just go to hell....?

They walked down the hall, with Squall holding his breathe while walking down with her, since she smelled like sh*t and she hadn't showered in months.

Some Dude In The Audience: Stop picking on Quistis! She's cool! ....And hot!

Dude, she's a fictional character. You are lusting for someone that isn't real!

Some Other Dude In The Audience: So!? *gets shot in the head by me*<GETS the in shot head by me.>

Anyone else?

Audience: *shakes head*<SHAKES head.><SHAKES head.>

That's what I thought. Anyways, once they got to class, the lesson began.

Quistis: Attention class and boyfriend!
All The Boys In Classroom: *staring at Quistis's boobs*<STARING at boobs. Quistis?s><STARING at boobs. Quistis?s>
Squall: Why me....?

~yet to be continued~

March 11, 2007, 8:54 PM

Oh yeah! I read this one, sure was funny XD

March 12, 2007, 3:13 PM

Continuing story:

Anyways, while Quistis was teaching, Squall just went on the computer, looking at po--

Squall: I'M NOT LOOKING AT PORN!!!

.....Riiiiiiight.....anyways, he got the GFs junctioned to him and all that good stuff...

Some Dude: Why don't you explain the story more thoroughly?

......Why don't you go jump off a cliff?

Some Dude: OK!!! <jumps off a cliff.>

Stupid....anyways, once class was over, Quistis started to bug Squall again.

Quistis: Oh, Squally!!
Squall's thoughts: Narrarator......just kill her......please.....
Quistis: It seems you haven't done your field exam!! Oooooo, you bad bad boy!!!

She then pinches Squall's cheeks, and Squall pushes her hand away.

Squall: Look, it's Seifer's fault, not mine.
Quistis: Oooo, blaming someone else for your own problems? Bad boy!!
Squall: Whatever. Look, can I just do the exam?
Quistis: Yes, and you'll do it with ME!!!

I know that sounds wrong, and Quistis does mean what you're probably thinking, but I assure you, they don't "do it", they do the exam. Meanwhile, members of Quistis's fan club, which were all people with diorrhea and squeaky voices, except for one, watched as Quistis took Squall away to do the exam.

Quistis Trepe Fanclub Member #1: Holy cow! Squall's so lucky!
Quistis Trepe Fanclub Member #2: Yeah, he's so lucky!
Quistis Trepe Fanclub Member #3 {the one without diorrhea and the squeaky voice}: Will you guys shut up? Look, just let it slide.....
Quistis Trepe Fanclub Member #4 {it's a wookie}: Yeah, smack yourself on the ass!!
Quistis Trepe Fanclub Member #3: O_O You are a complete idiot....

And so, Quistis left with Squall to go on the field exam....but wait! They had to go over the world map! So they got into a RANDOM BATTLE!!!

RANDOM BATTLE:
Squall's HP: 121
Quistis's HP: 101
Monster's HP: 86
Quistis: Ok, Cloud! Let's do this!!
Squall: But I'm Squall.
Squall attacks monster.
Monster dies!
Celebration dance!!
Squall: Why do we have to do a celebration dance?
BECAUSE I SAID SO!!
Gil earned: 12
EXP Points earned: 30 each member.
Squall grew to level 2!
No items earned.
Squall: WELL THAT SUCKS!! I got no items!!
Quistis: So?
Squall: What's the point of fighting monsters when I get no items!? Why do you do this to me narrarator!?

....You're just gonna get the same answer I told Cloud. But believe me, i think you're cool. And you'll be very happy with this story in the end...

Linkin Park: In the end, it doesn't even matterrrrrrr!!!!!
Squall: YEAH!!! GO LINKIN PARK!!!
Quistis: SCREW LINKIN PARK!!!

And Quistis once again soils herself. She laughs and snorts. Meanwhile, with Sephiroth in heaven....

Sephiroth: *GASP* She dissed Linkin Park!!! Grrrr......must kill her.....
Some Angel: All in good time. All in good time...
Sephiroth: But.....
Some Angel: But nothing. But nothing...
Sephiroth: What, are you going to repeat every word you say?
Some Angel: Yes I am. Yes I am...
Sephiroth: THAT'S IT!!!

Sephiroth kills the angel.

Some Other angel: Sephiroth, you just killed--
Sephiroth: I didn't kill that angel.
Some Other Angel: Yes you--
Sephiroth: You have no proof.
Some Other Angel: I just saw--
Sephiroth: No you didn't.
Some Other Angel: Will--Will you stop interrup--
Sephiroth: No.

~yet to be continued~

March 12, 2007, 8:33 PM

You actually had me laughing with this one. I loved the part where Squall's like "YAY! LINKIN PARK!" and Quistis with "SCREW LINKIN PARK!". I'm loving this, please continue.

March 12, 2007, 11:07 PM

~continuing~

So, Squall and Quistis finally got to the place, Squall being so happy that the smell of fire covered the stench of.....Quistis....eww.....

Squall: AIR!!! *breathes deeply* AAAAAAAIR!!!!!!
Quistis: Oh, you just crack me up, Squally-poo!!
Squall: ....Die......woman.....

They entered the cave, Squall junctioning Shiva and Quezacotl to himself.

Some Dude: BUT WHAT ABOUT QUISTIS!!?

Screw her!

Quartz: HELL YEAH!!! *high fives me*

Thank you, Quartz. Now, anyways....they were travelling through the cave, when Quistis started talking to Squall....which Squall never replied to, so I will not include what she kept on saying....

Some Dude: WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM WITH QUISTIS!!?

.......Want me to make a list?

Some Dude: YOU'RE JUST.....MEAN!!!
Quartz: SHUT UP!! *shoots some dude*
Audience: O_O
Sephiroth In Heaven: O_O

Oh my gosh.

Audience: SHE KILLED SOME DUDE!!!

Well......he didn't respect mah authoritah....DD knows how it is, right DD?

Doomsday (with bandages on his head): *nods*

Anyways.....they finally got to Ifrit, who started talking as well. And since I respect Ifrit and also think he's awesome, I will include dialogue on this one.

Ifrit: I am Ifrit. I am the Guardian Force of fire. If you want my power, you shall have to confront me for it.

And so the battle began.

Squall's HP: 177
Quistis's HP: 134
Ifrit's HP: 567
Quistis: Oh my gosh! Ifrit, you look so ugly!!
Ifrit: DO YOU DARE MOCK ME!!? DIE!!!
Ifrit uses Fire on Quistis.
Does 111 damage!
Quistis's HP: 23
Quistis: Squall.....help me......
Squall: I, er, can't help you. *hides Cures and whistles*
Quistis: Don't worry....we can do this.....just as long as...Ifrit becomes as weak as Sephiroth.

Ooooo....

Aya: Ooooo....
Audience: Ooooo....

She's gonna get it now....

Sephiroth comes into the battlefield.
Sephiroth stabs Quistis the way he stabbed Aeris! O_O
Sephiroth: THAT'S WHAT YOU GET, YOU LITTLE B*TCH!!! BURN IN F*CKIN' HELL!!!
Squall And Ifrit: O_O Woah.
Sephiroth leaves.
Squall uses Shiva while Ifrit isn't looking.
Does 433 damage!
Ifrit's HP: 134
Ifrit: What the!? How...? You're good, my friend. And you have that fine b*tch Shiva. I shall join your party. Peace out!
Squall has obtained the GF Ifrit!!
Ifrit is......screwing Shiva......
Squall: *shivers* Uuuuh.....

Well, that's not something you'd like to hear.....anyways, Squall tried to use a Phoenix Down on Quistis, but nothing happened. He used yet another Phoenix Down, and still, nothing happened.

Squall: What? Why won't she come back to life!?

Look. She died by Sephiroth's sword. When that happens, there's no coming back.

Squall: Really...? So she's.....

Dead. For GOOD.

Squall: Oh....my......YESSSS!!!! YESSSSS!!! I ALMOST DOUBTED YOU, GOD AND NARARRATOR!!! OH, SWEET LORD, THANK YOUUUUUU!!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! YEEHAW!!! WOOHOO YEEEEEEAH!!!!

I know. You love me now.

~to be continued~

March 12, 2007, 11:22 PM

OMG this is so damn funny lol yay quistis is dead i hated her anyway she is soooo annoying!

March 13, 2007, 12:12 AM

Nice! Please continue with this. It's hilarious!

March 13, 2007, 2:36 PM

~continuing now~

So Squall came back to the garden, dragging Quists behind. Cid, the headmaster, was there waiting for him.

Cid: What happened to her!!?
Squall: Sephiroth came down from heaven and killed her.
Cid: O_O damnIT!!!

Why does this always happen to all our good teachers!!?
Squall (muttering under his breath): She was a good teacher?
Cid: What did you say!!?
Squall: Nothing! Nothing....
Cid: Well, ahem, anyways.....did you get Ifrit?
Squall: Yessir! And we got some...babies as well....
Cid And Squall (at the same time): Eeeewwww......
Cid: Well, good work, son. Now, your first ever real mission will begin soon! But first, go have some lunch!
Squall: Whatever.

So, Squall left to go eat some lunch. When Squall left, Cid, well...

Cid: .>_.> <._<. *grabs Quistis* This will make a nice addition to my sex doll collection!!

Audience: EWWWWWW!!!!!!

Some Girl: What kind of sick mind do you have!!?

The kind that's honest, my friends. The kind that's honest...

Sephiroth: Oh, so now YOU'RE repeating things as well!

Shut up, or I'll kill you in this story.

Sephiroth: <gulp.> O-o-k-kay.......

Good. Now, on with Squall....

Some Girl: But what about Cid!!? Aren't you going to finish what Cid does!!?
Audience: Yeah--wait.......ewwww.....

Yeah, and you call ME disgusting....anyways......Squall went to the cafeteria where he got some hotdogs. There, he accidentally bumped into a young girl....Selphie.

Squall: AH!!! MY FOOD!!!
Selphie: Oops! Clumsy me!!
Squall: NOOOOOOOO!!!! I'LL STARVE!!!
Selphie: Oh, calm down! *hands Squall her hot dogs, but drops them as well* Oopsie daisy!
Squall: *cries* WHYYYYYYYYY!!!!!? EVERYTHING WAS LOOKING UP!!!! I ACTUALLY--
Selphie: WILL YOU SHUT UP!!!?
Squall: O_O
Selphie: GOSH!!! I'M SORRY, JEEZ!!!! What is wrong with you anyways!!?
Squall: ....A lot has happened to me.....
Selphie: Oh. Well, my name's Selphie, what's yours?
Squall: ..........
Selphie:

Squall: ..........
Selphie:

Squall: ...................Squall.
Selphie: HI SQUALL!!! *jumps on top of him*
Squall: EEP!! O_O
Selphie: DOYOULIKEEGGSILIKEEGGSIALSOLIKEDOGSDOYOULIKEDOGSTH EY'REPRETTYCOOLILIKE.... *continues on*
Squall: What have I done.....?
Selphie: BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH IS IT TUNA OR IS IT CHICKEN!!?
Squall: What?
Selphie: *has a can of Tuna called chicken of the sea in her hand* I've always wondered if it was chicken or tuna because it says it's chicken.
Squall: YOU ARE AN IDIOT!!! *leaves*
Selphie: WAIT!!! AT LEAST GIVE ME YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS!!!
Squall: Stupid Jessica Simpson wannabe....

So, Squall reported to where the map of the school was, where he was supposed to meet the members of his team, and the captain.

Squall: I'm here, sir! *salutes Cid*
Cid: *back is facing Squall* Mmmm...mmmm.....
Squall: Sir?
Cid: Mmmm.mmm....mmm?! OH!!! SORRY!! Sorry....
Squall: What were you doing?
Cid: *Quistis's body drops down* I, er, um, heh heh, NOTHING!!! Now, time for you to meet your team! FUJIN!!!
Squall's Thoughts: Oh no....Seifer's friend.....

So, Fujin comes in. She looks all cool and sexy, and then she says.....

Fuji: EGGS.
Squall: .>_.> <._<. Eggs?
FUJIN: EGGS.
Squall: What, what's the point of eggs?
Cid: RAJIN!!!

And Rajin runs in.

Rajin: SIR, I'M HERE SIR IT'S SO COOL TO BE HERE AND--
Fujin: *trips Rajin*
Rajin: (in slow motion) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! *Rajin falls flat on his face*
Fujin: HA. HA. HA. HA.
Rajin: HEY MAN WHAT'S THE PROBLEM!!!!
Fujin: NOT MAN.
Rajin: WHATEVER MAN ALL I WANT IS ME PILLZZZZZ!!! .>_.> <._<. PILLLLZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!! O_O
Squall's thoughts: These are his friends? o_O
Cid: Zell!!

And Zell comes in doing backflips. Squall actually thought he might be cool, but then he said....

Zell: WAAAAZZZUUUUUUUP!!!!?

Squall: Great. I'm surrounded by idiots.
Fujin: IDIOTS WHO!!!?

And, all of a sudden, fire comes out behind her.

Squall: .>_.> <._<. Not you!

"
Fujin: GOOD.
Rajin: WHEREISMEPILLLLZZZZ!!!?
Zell: Duuuuuuude.....where's my car, dude?
Squall: *sigh*
Zell (addressing Squall): Hey, dude..... .>_.> <._<. Wanna smoke some pot?
Squall: What? o_O
Zell: Duude, it's good stuff.....
Squall: You.....LAY OFF THE CHRONIC, MAN!!!
Cid: And, finally, the team captain.....SYCTHER!!!
Seifer: SYCTHER!!? I'M NOT A FREAKIN' POKEMON!!!
Cid: Oh, sorry. I mean....SEIFER!!!!

Seifer walks in all cool.

Seifer: Yeah.....

Meanwhile, in the FFVII world...Reno and Eiko (yes, Eiko Carol) are watching this journey going on...

Reno: Yeah! He thinks he's all that! I'm STILL the badass of all badasses!! Right!?
Eiko: o_O
Reno: Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
Eiko: o_O
Reno: How'd you get here anyway?
Eiko: .>_.> <._<.
Reno: Like, how'd you get here anyway?
Eiko: *hearts beats faster and faster*
Reno: Hellooooo? Little girl?
Eiko: *raises a knife* *murder music comes on*
Reno: *screams like a little girl*
Eiko: *stabs him in the kneecap*
Reno: OW!!! THE PAIN!!! *murder music off* OW!!! WHAT THE HELL, MAN!!?
Eiko: T_T
Reno: WHY DID I DESERVE THAT!!? WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!?
Eiko: T_T *walks away as if nothings happen*
Reno: *moaning in pain*

Back in the FFVIII world....

Squall's Thoughts: Great, I'm having my worst enemy as a captain....
Seifer: Well! Look, look at this! *points to Squall* L-look at this! Look at this! Look at--
Zell: Dude....you wanna smoke some pot?
Seifer: Dude. Lay off the chronic.

~yet to be continued~

March 15, 2007, 4:50 AM

Nice! Eiko stabbing Reno in the kneecap is hilarious.

Continue please...