FFVII True

March 11, 2007, 1:18 AM

This fanfic was actually written by my sister, but i got her permission to post it so here it is. Note that i do not take responsibility for the content, which includes mild swearing and excessive Cloud abuse...

Ok. This is the true version of FFVII...everyone gather round.
*everyone gathers round*
<EVERYONE gathers round.>

Once upon a time, there was a man who had a huge sword.
<YOU see Cloud with the buster sword.>
*you see Cloud with the buster sword*

Cloud: Look at this sword! I can only pick it up!! Woah-WOOOOOW!!!
*he falls over. a kid picks up the sword and starts swinging it in the air like a maniac*
<HE the falls over. kid picks up sword and starts swinging it in air like a maniac.>

Kid: WUSS!!

Cloud was in SOLDIER, 1st class, he said, in SHINRA INC.. But he soon left to help AVALANCHE, a group who wanted SHINRA INC. to be destroyed.
*you see Barret, Tifa and some other folk in KKK outfits surrounding Cloud*
<YOU see and in Barret, Tifa some other folk KKK outfits surrounding Cloud.>

All of 'em 'cept Cloud: One of us. One of us.

They had to do many operations, but soon, Cloud fell down into a hole on one of the operations.
*you see Barret*
<YOU see Barret.>

Barret: That's a stupid f*ckin' way to die!!

Get over it. He doesn't die.

Barret: WHAAAAT!?

Yes, he fell through a roof onto some flowers, where he met Aeris.
*you see Aeris and Cloud on some flowers. Aeris smiles, Cloud blushes, then Aeris starts beating him with her metal pole*
<YOU see Cloud with and starts some on flowers. smiles, blushes, then Aeris beating him her metal pole.>

Aeris: YOU-F*CKING-BASTARD-YOU-RUINED-MY-FLOWERS!!

Cloud: OW!! OW!! OW!!

Anyways, the SHINRA people were after him, so they both had to leave.
<YOU see Cloud and in Aeris beating him again, but this time, she?s an alley.>

Aeris: NOW-I HAD TO-LEAVE MY CHURCH-THIS IS-ALL-YOUR FAULT!!
*Cloud is curled in the feetle position, crying*
<CLOUD the in is curled feetle position, crying.>

But they soon went to Aeris's home, where Cloud met her mother. He spent some of the night there, but soon left in the middle of the night, to find Tifa. But, Aeris found out and soon found him.
<YOU see Aeris her raising pole at Cloud, threatening him.>

Aeris: BOY, IF YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN, I'LL KNOCK OFF YOUR HEAD!!!
*you see Aeris raising her pole at Cloud, threatening him*

Cloud while crying: Yes ma'am, GOD!!! WAAAAAAH!!!

Aeris: Crybaby....

So, Aeris and Cloud soon found Tifa in a carriage.
<YOU see Cloud and a Aeris carriage driving by.>

Cloud: TIFA!!

Aeris: SHUT UP, MOFO!!!
*Cloud starts crying*
<CLOUD starts crying.>

~Yet to be continued~

March 12, 2007, 4:21 AM

lol! an FFVII parody huh? That's pretty funny! Would love to see more

March 12, 2007, 3:09 PM

~Continuing Now~

So, Aeris and Cloud finally found Tifa, but she headed for a place that Cloud thought was restricted.

Cloud: A-Aeris? C-could you go see who can go in or not?

Aeris: Whatever.
*Aeris walks up to the person in front guarding the place*
<AERIS the up in place. guarding front person to walks>

Aeris: Umm...only certain sexes come in here?

Guy: No. Actually, the master here is bisexual.

Aeris's thoughts: But Cloud doesn't know that. I can make him look like a fool....MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*Aeris leaves*
<AERIS leaves.>

Cloud: Sooo...who can go in?

Aeris: Only girls, sorry.

Cloud: Well, guess I have to dress like a girl.

Aeris's thoughts: Yes, dance my little puppet, DANCE!!!

So Cloud gets a wig, dress, and some perfume on and they soon leave to go to the place. When they got there, they were led inside by the person outside to the master's office. There, they saw Tifa.

Tifa: CLOUD!!!

Cloud: Who?

Aeris: Little b*tch...

*Aeris gets into a cat fight with Tifa, and they tie*
<AERIS with and a tie. they Tifa, fight cat into gets>

Tifa: You...little...

Aeris: Feel the anger, my little puppet....dance.....DAAAAAANCE!!!

~to be continued~

March 12, 2007, 3:13 PM

lol i llike it..

March 12, 2007, 8:29 PM

Nice parody there, I'd love to see more.

March 12, 2007, 10:52 PM

~continuing~

So, they soon were called into the room, where he would make the choice. Of course, it was a hard one...but, finally, he chose.

Donny: I choose HER!! *points to Cloud*

Someone: Is that his REAL name?

Yes, that's his name. This is the TRUE version. Anyways...

Everyone: HOLD IT!! That's not how it goes....

This is the TRUE version, not the other version you played on PS, dude.

Some Girl: I'M NOT A DUDE!!

Anyways, he chose Cloud.

Aeris: Meh heh heh.....MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I WIIIIN!!!

Cloud: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

So, Cloud followed Donny into the room, where he suspected to have hot sweet sex with Donny.....

Donny: Come here my little girl......

Cloud: Ugh.....

He started to take off his clothes, whe all of a sudden, Tifa came in.

Tifa: HIYAAA!!! *does a matrix move to Donny*<DOES a to Donny. move matrix>

Cloud: TIFA!!

Tifa: CLOUD!!

*Aeris comes in*
<AERIS in. comes>

Aeris: Oh no.....NOT THE IDIOTS!!!

Donny: HEY!! Umm....can we talk about this....heh heh? *Donny pulls a rope to make Cloud, Tifa, and Aeris fall in a hole*
<DONNY and in a Aeris Cloud, to Tifa, hole. fall make rope pulls>

~yet to be continued~ 

~Continuing~

Aeris, Cloud and Tifa dropped in the hole, and Cloud goes to help them up.

Cloud: Are you girls ok?
Tifa: ....You were about to kiss him.....
Cloud: I-I was acting!!
Tifa: But you were almost to his lips.....
Cloud: IT WOULDN'T MEAN ANYTHING!!!
Aeris: Cloud likes men, eh?
Cloud: NO!!! I LIKE BOOBS!!! BOOOOOOOOOBS!!!!
Aps: Hello? Monster trying to kill you here.....
Aeris: Yeah, you also like d*ck.....
Cloud: NOOOOOOO!!!!
Aps: Can you AT LEAST pay attention when I'm trying to eat you!?
Tifa: Cloud....you were about to kiss him.....an inch close to his face.....
Cloud: But I'm not gay!!! .....Not that there's anything wrong with that!!
Aps: THAT'S IT!!! *in sobby voice* I can't take this anymore! I'm going to the FFIX world!

So the monster grabs a hat, tie, and suitcase, and leaves....meanwhile at the FFIX world.....Zidane and Amarant are watching the story of FFVII through a magical crystal....thing....

Zidane: YES!!! SCORE ONE FOR US!!! *gets ready to high five Amarant*
Amarant: Touch me and your dead.
Zidane: .....You're almost as scary as Sephiroth......

With the monster gone, Cloud and the team leave to the top. They soon go to the Train Graveyard, and there, they see....CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!!

Audience: CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!?

THAT'S RIGHT!!! Anyways, he walks up to them, while Aeris is praying for the trains that were destroyed, and starts to talk.

Jack: Hello, mate!!
Cloud: OH MY GOSH!!! IT'S CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!! *pulls out a notebook and pen* Can I have your autograph, Ja--
Jack: CAPTAIN Jack!!! That goes for you too, person whose writing this!!
Me: Sorry.....
Captain Jack: Anyways.....

Then, out of the blue, Sephiroth comes, with an empty rum bottle in his hand.

Sephiroth: Hahahaha......
Captain Jack: *GASP* WHY IS THE RUM GONE!!?
Sephiroth: Why's the rum gone? You wanna know why? Because I drank it, you bastard.

Then, as Aeris is praying, Sephiroth stabs her, and the white materia falls and is taken by a black cat. Then, that black cat gets squished by a train that slipped, and then the white materia desenegrates for no good reason.

Cloud: Sephiroth! What are you doing here? You weren't supposed to come until the end of disc one!! Now who am I going to save from the Shinra bilding!?
Sephiroth: ....You can save yo momma, biatch.

And, once again, Cloud starts to cry.

~yet to be continued~

March 16, 2007, 1:25 AM

This shit is funny. I love Cloud, but I love the way he's being portrayed as a bitch/crybaby/homo......

March 16, 2007, 4:10 PM

~continuing~

So, since Aeris has died, and Sephiroth--

Cloud: SEPHIROTH IS A MEANIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!

WILL YOU SHUT UP, YOU WUSS!!!?

Cloud: I'M NOT A WUSS!!!!!
Sephiroth: Hahaha....whatever you say, Cloud. Whatever you say.....

BE QUIET!!!! Ahem, anyways........Cloud was crying, not knowing what to do, when Zid, who was hiding in a bush, said....

Zid: Hey, aren't you guys supposed to go to the reactor and help Barret?
Sephiroth: The talking bush is right, you should go help him.
Cloud: B-but aren't YOU going to try and kill him?
Sephiroth: Please, and have hate-crime charges against me? I'm not stupid enough to kill a black person....
Tifa: What's that supposed to mean?
Sephiroth: Look, it's not my fault the government is so corrupt.....and stupid.....and........THEY'RE GOING TO DIE!!!!!

And so, Sephiroth flew away like a bird. Cloud and Tifa left to help Barret, leaving Ja--

Captain Jack: CAPTAIN JACK!!!

......Captain Jack alone to mourn for the empty rum bottles. Once Cloud and Tifa got to the reactor, Reno fell down from the reactor.

Cloud: AH!!! It's a guy whose cooler than me!!
Reno: I'm such a badass.......
Cloud: No you're not....
Reno: Hey, do YOU have red, long, spikey hair, and have all the ladies chasing after you?
Cloud: No....but Sephiroth has the ladies chasing after him.

Meanwhile, with Sephiroth.....Sephiroth is flying in the sky, when tons of airplanes start following him, filled with fangirls.

All The Fangirls At Once: OH MY GOD!!! IT'S SEPHIROTH!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Sephiroth: No.....NOOO!!!!

Back with Cloud.....then, Barret falls down with the team.

Barret: The pillars falling!!
Reno: I'm such a badass.....
Cloud: What!? But how!?
Barret: It's all the f#ckin' Triple A dude's fault!!
Triple A Dude: Sorry....
Tifa: Don't be sorry!! Just go and die!! No one likes Triple A anyways!!!!
Triple A Dude: Um.....ok....

And so, the Triple A Dude gets a gun out and shoots himself. So it sounds like--

Some Guy: HOOPLAH!!!!

WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP INTERUPTING ME!!? GOSH!!! And now, I will start to cry. WAAAAA--

Audience: HE'S SORRY!!!

Yeah, he'd better be....anyways, Reno calls a helicopter to pick him up.

Cloud: HEY HERE DO YOU--

He would've finished his sentence, but inside was....wait. I WAS THE ONE INSIDE!!!

Me: HELP MEEEEE!!!!!
Cloud, Barret, and Tifa: THE NARRARATOR!!!!
Reno: I'm such a badass.....I'm so bad, that I'm gonna take this girl for Hojo to operate on.....yeah, what now?

And the helicopter leaves, with me inside....why me?

~yet to be continued~

March 18, 2007, 1:14 AM

Wow, I love this so far. Very funny.