sorry for the late reply, took me a while to read the whole thing
few things, this is just my opinion, don't need t listen to me
1. great story, like the way how you developed the characters, what i don't like is the way you use "magic," you seem to, in the majority of cases, just refer to them as spells, but never actually give them a name
2. you also seem to divide the text up, like a battle, then talk, then development, then heal etc, try to mix them up a bit
3. seems rushed in some areas, like you go into more detail about the state the characters are in during battle, rather then just say tiring
4. try to change the point of view every now and then, like at the beginning of each chapter you can say from which character's point of view it is from, that will help alot
for example, i will use Kamui as an example, because he is kamui...
Quote:
Got it!” the both said and rushed over to where Filden was. Rene turned towards the beasts. It seemed weaker but then again it looked as though Kamui was running out of energy quicker. He rushed over to him.
“Good… to see… you.” Kamui said out of breath. He twirled his blade and stood in his battle stance, Rene did the same. The beast roared at them and charged. The pair managed to dodge and watched as the beast skidded and turned.
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Kamui was breathing heavily, blood was slowly making its way down the side of his face,
this is harder then it use to be, maybe i've been getting to relaxed... too late now. He raised his swords to block the next blow aimed for his neck by the beast, they felt like they weighed a tonne...
Damn
Rene was running, Kamui was blocking the claw, but you could see it in his movements, he was tired. Drawing his sword hs slashed down at the claw, leaving nothing but a flesh wound, but it injured it all the same. The beast roared in agony, as it retreated for the moment, preparing for its next attack.
"good... too see... you..." panted Kamui, as he readied is blades once again.
i don't know if that is better, but to me it is, it is more typing, but it has more detail etc, just thought you should know
5.try to put as much detail in your story as possible, assume we know nothing, and describe everything as best you can, not just simplfy everything.
6. i updated Darkness of Destria... man i forgot about that story, should start it again, the links are in my sig, also check out the updated Kamui profile, for his abilities, he doesn't really use magic... sorry, but i really wanted to say that, because, "heaven's chain" and "demon's chain" are his two main techniques, was hoping to see them, if you need to know anything about him, just ask me,
while i have created a character for Kamui, i'm glad that Dawn is happy with him... and, if you are thinking of using White Nyumi, i'm sorry but i can't allow that... personal reasons regarding her.
character profiles can be found
here
7. loved the mystery about him, about 20 years ago and everything, he is generally more informed, just hides it till the it is necessary, but what the hey, your story
this is my comments, while i am liable to them, i do not force people to listen,
Kamui
