Serious How should I deal with loneliness?

Thule Esperada

Blue Mage
Joined
Jan 16, 2015
Messages
125
Location
Finland
Gil
55
So, basically I've been struggling with this for almost a decade by this point. I'm introverted by nature and I'm frankly quite insecure about myself and my interests. I have a long history with bullying, failed friendships and depression. All of these are tied together by a common thing; loneliness. I'm really bad at approaching others, especially people of my own age, and starting basic conversations is difficult. Frankly I haven't had any luck finding people to talk with anywhere, not even online. It's rather "cripling" to be sure, and It has a very negative effect on my life quality.

Has anyone else struggled with intense loneliness in their life at some pont? Does anyone have any advice on how to overcome it?
 
I'm not really one of those wise people who can give advice on such things; like Jon Snow, I know nothing. However I have experienced a bit of what you're talking about so I can empathise.

The only suggestion I can make is that sometimes it helps to feel part of something bigger. Loneliness is isolating and can shut a person off within themselves, it makes it very tough to see that, we are indeed, all part of something. Sometimes just going out and feeling part of the crowd and/or wider community can help give a more positive outlook. You don't necessarily have to speak or converse, just feel comfortable being around people and have a sense of belonging. The less one concentrates on the loneliness, the more open the world can be.

Also, having been there, it's far better to consider the long history of bullying, failed friendships and depression as just that; history. When everything is said and done, you have to let it go and not let it hinder your view of the future. To pass on something that was explained to me: external verification from others isn't the beginning and end of happiness, if you can learn to smile for yourself, then that's the beginning of the best friendship right there. The happier you are with yourself, the better the things others will see from you.

By the sounds of it, things are looking pretty bleak for you right now. It's hard to imagine that it will pass and that things can change, but they will. Unfortunately we can't change people's thoughts and convince them to be with us, but we can work on our own perspectives. Also, it's probably of limited comfort, but you're definitely part of a community here, and there are certainly people willing to listen and show support. Hope that helps a little!

:grouphug:
 
It's hard to give an answer that will work, that old addage of what works for one may not work for another, however I too am a little odd by nature though fortunate now in having a family, but I am still isolated in many ways (most of the people I speak with outside my partner and a friend are right here on FFF).

I can however give you this, being lonely is worlds apart from been alone, feeling alone is real killer, it takes everything you have to stay together and over a prolonged period is even worse, @Galadin is right though, history needs to stay history, what defines a person is how they move through life. Your aware of the issue and it takes a lot to put it somewhere like here for all to see, I can personally say if you need to talk, rant or such then I'm usually around somewhere.

I'm no psychologist just another of the worlds messed up folk, suffering much the same, terrible at making friends and trust is a major issue with me, I screwed up older relationships and friendships, it takes a lot to accept yourself for who you are only then is it possible to begin undoing what is wrong, sometimes its about jumping in head first as I said I'm always around and I can say most of the folk here as just as warm and welcoming.
 
I go through long periods of loneliness or depression a few times a year. What I have found helps a lot, and what others I know who've gone through the same thing have also told me, is to talk to someone about it. A face to face (or even just verbal such as on the phone or through online means) conversation with someone who cares about you, whether it be a family member, best friend, etc..., can go a long way in making you feel like you're not alone and that the problem may not be nearly as bad as your mind makes it out to be. In my case I would always overthink the problem and in my head I would make the problem seem much more severe than it actually was. I found that my mother and my best friend from high school were great people to talk to, and I confided in a former schoolmate who studied Psychology in college. They all understood how I was thinking, but showed me the flaws in logic I was using, how I was being to hard on myself, and that those kinds of thoughts are normal. These observations helped me tremendously. The key is to find a way to express the feelings and not let them dominate your thoughts or change your way of thinking, because nothing positive can come from that. I haven't been in this community very long, but everyone here seems fairly close, so I would venture to say there are even some people here who you could have casual chats about the problem with, if you're uncomfortable bringing it up with the people around you.
 
Let me first off say, thank you for posting and for touching on a good subject.

Loneliness is a hard subject and unfortunately it can be lead to quite a bit of other things if you tend to let it keep you down. Everyone is different in the terms of loneliness of course, though I wanted to touch on Introverted personalities first since you mentioned it, due to it can actually determine why you are lonely.

If you would, please take a myres briggs test to kind of identify what case you are. I am ISTP: Introverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving.

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

Now let's touch on your loneliness. The best thing to do is find yourself in the storm. By storm, I don't mean literal, I mean something beyond you that seems impassible and that you surpass. As humans we need a reason to exist and to keep ourselves propelling forward. Not a single person can compliment you well enough to make you completely dependent on them.

In fact, you do not sound to be in a state of mind for a serious relationship. I would be afraid you would get shattered to glass if that one person came around that lifted you and took it away. So let me offer my words of advice from experience.


  • As an introvert, only you can find your energy. Unfortunately this type of energy doesn't come from other people, it comes from within and you have to store it up as to not get exhausted.
  • Fail as much as possible. Fail forward and learn and experience.
  • Do not remain still. The biggest mistake is us introverts try to look for meaning in everything. We wait on the moment, when the moment is what we make ourselves. We in ourselves have way more energy than extroverts, but it takes time to realize that failing is learning.
  • Date. Listen, from experience, women/men in the end just want someone who is honest and doesn't take their energy away. If you never date, if you never put yourself out there, you will never know. This is the internet generation, do not say you can not find someone.
  • Hold on to yourself. Through experience you can let others change you. You can get ahead of yourself too. Use integrity and slow your roll, don't spiral.

Most importantly you need people.. despite how strong people claim to be, we in the end need people.

You can learn all there is in the world, and still be alone. If you were around me, I'm real enough of a person to just say.. "Hey want to grab a cup of coffee? A beverage?" Whatever gets the mind to not cave in on itself. You are your own worst enemy and you are the catalyst to change the energy the determines whether you push good or bad energy to others.

Take it easy, and keep talking.. Glad to have you on the forums.
 
I don`t think loneliness is something bad, i used to think it is bad when i was schoolgirl, and only because others told me it is bad, which drove me to befriend wrong person, who realised that im afraid of loosing her company, therefore she started took advantage on it and when we fall out comletely i got into depression and started to skipping my classes. Now i knew i was a naive fool, it was foolish and sad in the same time and got into such trouble with school and into gloomy state of mind only cause i listen others preaching to me too much, i should have been more independent.
 
Back
Top