Serious Being Nice VS. Being Real

ff1-10

Blue Mage
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There's been an issue that I've been wondering about and have encountered in love recently. To be nice...or to be real? I understand that everyone puts on their best front when they first start being interested in someone (the "nice") and then start to reveal more of who they really are (the "real") as the relationship/going out situation/time goes on, but is it possible to make it the whole way through by being who you really are the first day? And not just the whole way through, but even to just attract someone? It seems like everyone's theory is that you have to be nice first, which makes sense because no one wants to be with someone who's mean, but...what if we're really just not that nice? Wouldn't it be easier and better for people to just be honest from the start or is it just part of the "relationship" process?

I've grown up with the notion that in order to be attractive, one must be a really nice and good person so I've always tried to be that, but then I discovered that I'm human as well. Beneath that trying, I had thoughts that weren't all that nice and good and have and continue to scold myself for them, but...I'm human. I can't help them, in a way, I guess. To be honest, I think practicing that notion has worked, but then when I revealed what I believe is really me, they turn themselves on me and call me "evil", "mean", "not innocent", "annoying" and negative, self-doubt and hurtful things like that. They also begin to treat and talk to me less valuable, making me feel like nothing and like I will never be something to someone or anyone. I won't deny that it's probably true, but it doesn't mean I have no good or like that "nice" part of me isn't a part of me! It makes me think, "What am I!? Who should I be!?" and I start thinking, "I'm evil! I'm disgusting! I should not even be on this earth!" No, I am not suicidal, but when I think about that other part of me, it makes me feel unworthy to be alive among everyone, even though there are most likely people who are the same or worse.

Then there are those who are actually naturally just really nice and those who know how to be real and live a full life. I applaud those people. I really do. I don't know how you do it.

So, the question is, can you really truly be accepted for who you are from the start without having to put on a nice "front" first? Of course, you have to have at least an ounce of niceness or definitely more than that to be loved and accepted, right? Does this have to do with "self-love", self-acceptance, and self-security first, as they always say?
And/Or is it a tie-in with society's value of rare, truly moral people that everyone aims for this "nice exterior" and then begin to shun you when you actually don't meet/aren't this valued figure of a good person?
 
It was kinda funny in my case with my fiance. I actually had a crush on her shortly after we first met back in college, which was... about four years before we actually went into a relationship. But, not a single time have I tried to act a different way around her. I mean, if I want to attract someone, I want them to be attracted to me as opposed to someone I'm trying to be.

It's always been the same with previous crushes and relationships.

But yeah, me and my fiance ended up being really close friends for the better part of four years and then after that it just went further. Of course, when it came to moving in together we were both full of surprises, but those are of the kind that you'd never know until you start living with each other. That's usually the case when you start picking up on bad habbits, or just generally learn a whole lot more about each other. But then, that's not really down to acting differently around each other. :hmmm:

Personally, I think a relationship should be built up on complete honesty. Because, if you put on an act, they're going to find out sooner or later and that won't be good at all.

Now, I'm not saying I don't put in any effort when it comes to relationships. For things to work, there are certain things you need to change and/or comprimise on, but that's what's part of the whole relationship process. Not starting off acting like a different person and then slowly revealing who you really are.
 
Real question, can't you be nice AND real?

I mean I am not saying that you have to be nice all the time, but can't you be who you are and be nice also?
Why choose? Show them who you are when you first meet them, in a nice way. Don't sit there and be all nice and pretending to be something you are not, cause then they will expect that all the time. When you finally show who you really are then it starts fights usually...

So my answer.. Be nice... AND real!
 
I wonder just how "mean" and "horrible" your true thoughts are for you to come to the conclusion that you're "evil" or should not be among fellow earthlings. In my opinion, every human being has a "good side" and a "dark side." It is sort of like a spectrum of varying degrees of "goodness" and "darkness." Some people may display a particular side deliberately (to attract/detract others) or unconsciously (being natural and "real").

For some people, showing off their negative and "dark side" is a good thing because it can actually attract a certain group of people that they want to associate with: for instance, fellow "dark sided" individuals. It can also act as a means of detracting attention from those who they do not want to associate with. It may seem rude or selfish but some people don't care to get on everyone's good side. If people are more in touch with the "dark side" of themselves - what society would deem as unattractive or unacceptable - then this is most likely them being "real."

With that said, people can also be connected with their "good side" and they can naturally behave in ways that society would consider as being "nice" - being polite, considerate/accommodating, helpful/caring, etc. In this scenario, a person can be "real" and "nice." Note: This is not to say that the "nice" person never has negative thoughts or conflicts with their "dark side." Essentially, every human being approaches a situation in which they question their own thoughts/values/morals at some point. So, with the right type of trigger, the individual who is heavily aligned with their "dark side" may occasionally feel himself or herself gravitating towards the "good side" as well.

I think that my moral character has elements of both the "good side" and "dark side," although my "good side" is usually what is presented and displayed. I don't put an extra effort to be "nice," but perhaps I have been conditioned by society to present myself as such because it doesn't seem beneficial for me to display my "dark side" so openly to everyone. I'd assume that most people, like myself, keep their "dark side" under wraps and within their mind and thoughts. I wouldn't say this is being dishonest or not "real," but it's a very personal and intimate thing that you wouldn't share and showcase to just anyone. This is probably why some people only begin to show their hidden side to those they have formed a close bond with - so that there is less of a chance that they will be judged or criticized.

Sorry if my response is a little off-target. xD I guess I just don't see it as a battle between "being nice vs. being real" - I see the root of it all as "good side vs. dark side." Because there is a such thing as "being nice and real," as well as "being rude and real." People can also pretend to be nice and/or rude, but that's usually to elicit a sort of response or attraction (not necessarily sexual, more interpersonal).

At the end of the day, our definitions of what is "nice" and "not nice" behavior is largely shaped by society. Some instances are morally-based and easier to weed out, but even our morals are somewhat influenced by our society as well. What is rude or wrong in one context, may be neutral or even nice within another context, and vice versa. So maybe it's more of a matter of accepting or rejecting social norms. Acceptance of norms = behaving in ways that are deemed as "nice." Rejection of norms = behaving in ways that are considered to be "bad" or "not nice." ... ^^;
Anyhow, those are my 25cents! :elmo:
 
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No, I am not suicidal, but when I think about that other part of me, it makes me feel unworthy to be alive among everyone, even though there are most likely people who are the same or worse.


Most people you know in life have acted a part for so long they end up believing they are really who they are. They try not to go through anything different, due to the fear of being deemed different or feeling strange or weird. They think that constant feeling is the norm. Whatever the part they choose to play, can only last for some time.

As a teenager, you either try to be two things. Visible or invisible. You either try to put yourself in the light, or try to act just enough to not be noticed.

When someone matures, they take multiple routes. A cynic where let's face it, they are an asshole and are willing to tell you straight up what is on their mind. Or.. for reasons to advance their career or to find someone who will love them and make them feel attractive forever (good luck), they act the part to get there. Though the question is how much would you lie to yourself just to get to somewhere in life?

The same question now comes back to you. You can be nice up front. You can show all the signs that you are interested for the "right" reasons, but still be mistaken for something or someone who you did not intend to be. The facade could last for a good year till signs of who you really are start to penetrate the plastic. The pressure to be something who you did not intend to be in the first place, starts to add up over time. The neglect of who you really are starts biting you at the spine. You might have tell lies, just to cover up what you are afraid to show. What you have now, might just be too good to be true. The fear of losing is too great.

So then where are you? Better question is.. who are you? Be sure before entering a relationship. Don't bring any type of baggage into it. Don't use someone as a bandaid. Don't be with someone, just to try to wane the feeling of loneliness. Be with someone, when you accept who you are. If someone can't accept that, and you feel you really need to act differently just to be with someone.. good luck in convincing yourself for years.

I've done it more than once. What a bitch it was when I figured I was in it for sex or for the fear of being alone. I was such a weakling then though.
 
With my past GF, I was totally real with her from start to, Sadly, finish. I just decided to be me, and she liked it.

Now, with other situations, such as trying to talk to girl who is "out of your league", most people would choose to not be themselves, just to get his/her attention. Then, if it works out, they decide to slowly shed the fake skin off, and reveal who they are, as I've seen countless times. I prefer being real. If he/she doesn't like YOU for who YOU are, then on to the next one.

-D
 
Real question, can't you be nice AND real?

Well, I don't think that they mean "nice" as in "polite". But Nice, as in, appealing. Stable, responsible. Ideal. Extra attractive.

Though, honestly, I think the answer depends on your pursuit. If you're just trying to get laid, it doesn't matter what method you use as long as it produces results.

But if you aren't ready to be in a serious relationship and are not interested in one, that's the end of that. Though, if you actually want a serious relationship I think that honesty and being who you really are is important.
 
Be true to thy self comes to mind here.Yea to certain degree we all were a mask,it is essential to what we are as a living being.You can certainly be nice without fronting it.Youll find out that not fronting who you are towards someone will get you the results you desire,,over time.People truely hate liers once they are figuered out.Being true as yourself isnt like being some evil minded person who is just all about causeing bad things to happen for people and being selfish,I find that a balance of both good and bad to be our true nature that people end up loving.So if you want to be accepted and loved then you simply give it of yourself, even if you think it may be just another front somehow, it will grow to become something genuine of yourself ,and it will come back in spades,,given there are no harmful intentions behind being nice to someone.It will boil down to how much self acceptance you have and if you have self acceptance you will have self love that comes along with it and it will show.
 
I guess this is a bit off topic but regarding some of the topic at hand about keeping it real and being nice...
The problem is that people these days (and not really trying to shit on anyone in this thread, or specifically referring to anyone think that:
-"being real" is being a rude, arrogant asshole that can't keep his negativity to him/herself
-having "good self-esteem" is being a selfish asshole with complete disregard to others

What's sad about this that these are traits that seem to be valued. Perhaps their original ideas (honesty, actual perception of self-worth) are valuable.


When it comes to relationship dynamics, I don't really see all of your point. Mainly because if you "keep it real" in the way you describe, you're most likely going to be very lonely, and regardless of do you "keep it real" or not, people will have their own perception of you and it probably isn't what you are in a sense, offering to them.

To put that in an example, if you're going to "keep it real" regarding ...say, meeting someone or being on a date, chances are you're probably thinking that you are giving a brutally honest depiction or yourself. Chances are the receiver will simply deduct you are a negative person with low self esteem, you're not very fun to be around with either. Everyone, EVERYONE, has their bad side.

You won't see an extremely gas-economic car being sold with a sales talk of "this car is very small engined and you probably will have a hard time getting over steep hills with this piece of shit", and you won't see a jeep being sold with "you're destroying the environment with this huge pile of junk shit that you don't even need, it's there to satisfy your vanity". What you will see however, is some preppy smiling and driving around the city in his positively economic car with the sun shining and the small consumption being touted, or some hillbilly tearing it up in the forest with his reliable 4wd with little to no mention of the gas economy. That's because people want to sell themselves, as they want to sell cars. That doesn't mean you're dishonest or a whore.
 
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