Serious Sibling drama

Artemisia

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A week ago my 17 year old brother's girlfriend disappeared from home. We all assumed she'd run away of her own accord; her parents found chat conversations on her computer with various men in nearby cities and towns, some in their 30s and 40s. She had been doing this behind her parent's and my brother's back for quite some time. She was missing for 4 days and was eventually returned to her parents by the police 4 days later. During this time my brother was beside himself, he had no contact with her and we all wondered why she had run away to these strange people she'd been flirting with over the internet and not to him or another friend in town. She had written the names of some of these men in notebooks and journals in her bedroom, surrounded by hearts and endearing phrases. No mention of my brother, his name not written anywhere. No little hearts and "I love you's" for him.

Needless to say I got rather inflamed regarding this girl. I openly expressed my distaste for her foolish actions and told my brother he'd best forget about her. However her parents kept getting him wrapped up in the situation, as well as my own mother. Anyway after she was returned home we were told she'd been abducted and gang-raped by these people she met online, who were supposedly planning to get her into drugs and sell her into prostitution. A case has been opened and the girl will be testifying against them in court.

Though what happened to her is absolutely horrific and I truly feel for her, I am still furious that she was doing all this flirting with other men behind my brother's back. Her internet profile stated she was 21, turning 22 (she is only 17). I tried to point this out to my brother, that she played all hard to get with him while she was having sexually explicit conversations online with these perverts. Now that she's back, she's crawling back up to him and he's carrying on like she's a heavenly saint who has been tragically defiled. When I told him I hoped she'd maybe start appreciating him more after this, he exploded at me, screaming at me and saying that I think she's a slut and I'm saying she deserved what happened to her, which is completely untrue. She made a very, very foolish mistake and unfortunately is paying a heavy price for it, something no girl ever deserves to go through no matter what she's done.

I don't know how to look at this girl now. I don't know what to say to her. I genuinely do feel terrible for what she went through but I still can't get past the fact that she was entertaining these men online with a fake persona while she was supposed to be dating my brother. I am in no way saying that she deserved what happened to her, not at all, but this issue has caused a great rift between me and brother and because I live close to my mom and him I have to interact with and hear about this girl all the time, and I honestly don't know what to do. I don't want my brother hurt by her, and even though she's probably learnt her lesson now, how do I know she isn't just using my brother in some other way? How do I speak to her and interact with her now?

Any advice??
 
you've said your piece. now you have to leave him to get on with it. if she is using him he will learn the hard way, but it's his lesson to learn.

you dont have to speak to her or interact with her at all if you dont want to.

i also dont think that anyone deserves to be sexually assaulted at all. male or female.
 
Basically, the more you try to force this opinion on your brother, the more he will rebel against it. It happens in families all the time, and the best thing to do is to just not make decisions for them, or do the whole "I'm only saying what's best for you".
 
The girl is only 17. :/ 17-year-olds are immature and sometimes really need attention. You are 7 years older than her and 7 years wiser, so don't judge her too harshly. Her behaviour was probably a result of her immaturty; very few 17-year-olds are ready to be 100% dedicated to their partner. I remember when I was 17! I was determined to remain loyal to my boyfriend, I was honest, empathetic and I compromised as much as a 17-year-old can; however, the way I felt about him was not mature. I was not in love with him and I was not ready to make adult decisions about our relationship.

She is 17 and these men were in their 40s! They probably groomed and manipulated her. It's far too easy for men to do that to young, vulnerable girls. She may have been made to believe that these men loved her more than everyone else in her life. If they planned this, they would have known exactly what to say. Her views would have been distorted...

It's possible that these older men seemed exciting to her. :/ She probably felt invincible. Perhaps she felt that these men loved her more than your brother possibly could; they may have made her feel more special and more mature. The relationship between 17-year-olds is generally closer to a friendship. Sure, the two fancy one another and spend more time together, but they don't have to compromise, they dont have to work through tough experiences and they don't have to work as a team to succeed. They just enjoy lighthearted days together.

I have a few questions. :hmmm:
1. Did this girl know these men were in their 30s and 40s? Perhaps they claimed they were in their 20s too!
2. How is this girl treated by her family?
3. Is there a reason she may want to rebel?
4. Is it possible she's self descructive?
5. Does she want more attention? Do her parents give her enough attention?

Honestly, I would support this girl as much as possible. What she has done to your brother is terrible, but she's 17, not 27! She was immature and selfish, but she has paid a VERY heavy price for that. This could damage her 10x as much as her unfaithfulness will damage your brother. If she has been raped, her body has been invaded. She may not be able to have positive relationships with men in the future. :/ Your brother MAY now be the person who can prevent her from breaking apart. She needs to know that men are not all like that; she also needs to be protected and loved. She needs to know that it wasn't her fault.
 
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Honestly, I get where he is coming from.

It isn't your place to guide him through life and make his choices for him. Life would be a very bland journey if there were no mistakes to be made. Some of those mistakes, you don't ever want to be made. But some people are just stubborn, and it is the only way for them to learn.

Just apologize to him, and express that you were just angry because you feel that she was basically cheating on him, and that you are concerned about what effect this kind of behavior may have on him in the future. That is really all that you can do. It is a very admirable trait to show affection and concern for your family, but sometimes you just have to know where to draw the line.

If it isn't very clear, sometimes you may do what you've done out of love and compassion, but you can completely demean the efforts of another person and the confidence in their own abilities by doing it. We all want to grow up to be strong someday. You can't expect someone to become strong without any experience.

But onto the girl; I've thought a lot of things. To be cold, but not malicious towards her, how this meeting ever happened, what kind of background she has, if she and your brother were actually ever an item, lots of stuff.

But basically, there is not enough to form a solid opinion on. What I would do, is just avoid her in general. You don't seem to like her at all, and I get the feeling that you don't really know what happened. It would be very contrived and extremely rude to inquire about it as someone who is not close to them. I also feel like if you try to force yourself to be sympathetic and supportive, that it will only blow up in everyone's face.

though, really, try not to do anything that could be perceived as insensitive and/or malicious.
 
The girl sounds pretty untrustworthy. Are you sure her story is even true? Thats pretty wild. that would be on the news were it true. If it is thats very sad, there are some horrible people in the world.

What happened wasnt her fault and if you dont want to talk to her you dont have to. Or you can be there for her and support her a bit. If thats all true then she will need someone to support her. That doesnt mean it has to be you but being there for someone in a situation like that is a kind gesture. Especially when shes hurt your brother who your close to. I guess youl just have to do what you think is right. If you feel bad then you know what your doing isnt right. Sounds like an awkward situation to be in but its ultimately your call to do what you have to do. Personally I think if you could be there to support her a bit, you dont have to go out your way that would be very kind of you but your in no way inclined to do this. Make sure that whatever you do you dont regret it later on. Having guilt or regrets on your conscience isnt a good feeling. Have faith in yourself and youl do the right thing.
 
Apologies for the late reply. The situation seems to have blown over somewhat - my brother eventually came forward and admitted to me that I was right about the girl. Now that she's traumatised by what happened to her she's even more emotionally unavailable, not to mention physically, and at first he vowed to be there for her but she basically just pushed him away. Which I can understand: her mind is most probably on getting over what happened to her and so on.

1. Did this girl know these men were in their 30s and 40s? Perhaps they claimed they were in their 20s too!
2. How is this girl treated by her family?
3. Is there a reason she may want to rebel?
4. Is it possible she's self descructive?
5. Does she want more attention? Do her parents give her enough attention?

She was fully aware of their ages. Her home life isn't ideal, though there is no abuse or extreme poverty. Just extremely overbearing grandparents, apparently. I told my brother she must go take a walk through an impoverished neighbourhood with physical, sexual and drug abuse, then decide if her home conditions are so terrible just because her grandparents are a little strict.

The girl sounds pretty untrustworthy. Are you sure her story is even true? Thats pretty wild. that would be on the news were it true. If it is thats very sad, there are some horrible people in the world.

The more she tells her version of events, the more it sounds like she ran away with the man who abused her willingly, but didn't expect to be forced upon. I removed myself from the situation completely, told my mom and brother that I don't want to get involved. I've always doubted certain aspects of her story from the very beginning, but I wasn't there so who am I to judge?

Thanks for the advice everyone.
 
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