Shes affected us

October 5, 2007, 8:29 AM

Bet youre wondering why Im still with my bloke with the amount of threads I make.

Well, its his ex that has affected our relationship. Because she hurt him so badly, hes been meh with me throughout the relationship. Now that I have a new job, we barely see each other and I told him I'll do my best to see him when I can. He said he had heard it all before and we were close to splitting. I couldnt believe he compared me to her and the shit she dealt him.

Now Im not best finance wise and have to pay for my own way in the relationship. His ex didnt have to pay for anything and she was unemployed. Even when I was unemployed and struggled for cash, I still had to pay for my own way. Hes only ever bought me one meal, but gets my drinks when Im out with him. However, if he takes us places, I have to put too with petrol, she didnt. And he even treated her to a weekend in Blackpool and he paid for EVERYTHING!

Plus as Ive previously mentioned, he wrote in a blog last year he loves her and always will. She has seriously ruined our relationship. He doesnt trust me 100% and says he'll borrow me money if I dont have any. I dont want to borrow it. I see other couples where the man pays for what he can for his girlfriend, not here.

I dont know what to do.

My Character Profiles · October 5, 2007, 9:14 AM

I have kind of an "ex" issue with my boyfriend as well. But the ex problem is mine. I was so bent up on my ex boyfriend when I first got together with my current boyfriend...it lead to a really bumpy start. In fact, my ex still tries to get in touch with me every few months. It took me a while to get over him, even though he treated me like utter smite.

The way you describe it...is exactly how my current bf describes the feeling to me. It took me a while to figure it out, and maybe it'll take your bf a while to figure it out as well. Sometimes people just don't realize when they have something amazing right in front of them.

He says he'll always love her and he'll never forget her, but time takes a big toll on that notion.

On another note...
I don't think anyone likes to be compared to someone's ex...
My bf actually slipped up once and said "well none of my previous girlfriends have acted like this". I was furious for what seemed like eternity. Sometimes the wrong words slip out I guess.

October 5, 2007, 9:35 AM

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel about how the situation affects your relationship. To think that he bought his ex all sorts and you nothing sounds really unfair. If he doesnt tell you why or talk to you about it then maybe you should call it a day.

Like I said before I'm a guy who shuts up his feelings but I still pay for everything in the relationship with my girlfriend and this isnt a lie - I took her to Blackpool last weekend.

October 5, 2007, 5:48 PM

...Blackpool? I want to go to Blackpool to meet my boyfriend. T___T

Anyways, this is a difficult situation. There are a number of reasons why he may not be paying for things for you. Is he as well off financially as he was then?

The fact he says you can "borrow" money makes it appear as though he's not very serious about you... I don't want to upset you, but there is that slight and terrible possibility that you're a re-bound. How long have you been together, and how did you meet? Was it long after he broke up with his ex, or were you the one who supported him when he was in a worse state? These are only ideas, and there isn't too much reason to believe they're correct.

Is his ex just a problem now because of the past? Is she just a problem because he paid for her then, and that makes you jealous? Look, don't let that get to you. =] Love is something far deeper than money. Maybe he feels that, before giving his money, you both must find a deeper understanding between you two.

The best thing to do is to SHOW him you can be trusted. Don't tell him off for not paying for things. Just enjoy the time you have with him and take it for what it is. If you expect him to pay, and get mad when he doesn't, it might appear as though you're only with him for money. I know you're not with him for money, but if he's been betrayed in the past he may not yet know this.

Also, take into account what Rhea has said. Some wise words there.

And about the blog... I wrote the same kind of things about my ex, but my love for him faded. He treated me terribly and I almost lost my spirit. I used to think I loved him, but I didn't. I was blind to his faults, and always made up excuses for his faults, because he had drummed the excuses into my mind. He used emotional blackmail and made me appear like the bad one all the time, so I often failed to tell him when I saw any faults at all.

I said all those things about loving him forever and meant them at the time, but now I can't even understand why I meant them. No one will know if they'll love someone forever. Only time knows that.

October 6, 2007, 2:57 PM

Wow, some great words there guys. I did ask him if he was ready for a relationship when I asked him about the blog and he said he was and was ready for a new relationship and wanted it so much to be with me. We've been together since Jan this year and use to go to the same college and met again on MySpace.

I dont have a go at him if he doesnt pay for me. I keep quiet about it. And really finiance wise with him, I think hes still okay. Hes been in the same job for 3 years.

October 6, 2007, 9:44 PM

To me, it seems like he's got used to the fact that you're willing to pay for yourself. Chances are, he does want to pay for you and spoil you, but feels that he can't because you pay. I'm sure you can find ways around that...

As for the blog, well, feelings change. I wouldn't worry too much about that at all.

October 7, 2007, 2:45 PM

Hmm, I think the fact that she's hurt him so badly affects the way he thinks about paying for your meals and everything. You said it yourself...he doesn't trust you 100%...but why is that? You didn't do anything wrong. It was his ex. But then perhaps that's part of the problem. He can't trust any girls at the moment because of what happened...and that includes paying for all the expenses that guys would normally do. Maybe he felt he's wasted so much money with his ex and now he's just being careful...it's probably nothing against you.

And I understand that sometimes it's hard to let go of someone you truly loved in the past. Hence, it's hard to trust someone. Period. It's so easy for someone to say that he or she has let go of the past...and the hardest choice is whether for you to believe the words or not...

I don't know, it's really up to you though. Lol, I'm kinda wary of giving people advices because sometimes, not all advices work for some people, even if they're intended to be for a good cause. So you have to make the best of the situation and figure things out by yourself, and what you think would work best for you and boyfriend.

Hope things work out for you guys as I can tell that you really love this guy.

October 7, 2007, 2:56 PM

No offense, I am seriously wondering why we (men) can be such assholes when it comes to relationships and dealing with the past. And most people say that men aren't sentimental and that we can handle these subjects way better than women, yeah right [sarcasm] Insert sarcasm here [/sarcasm].

Seriously, a relationship is based in trust. If that is lost then you could consider the relationship half way lost as well. You see, if he doesn't trust you , there's the big problem. I won't advice you to let some time pass between you, separate and then come back together because that mostly ends up screwing most of relationships a lot, there are exceptions of course.

Ok, why don't you just try, again, to have a serious conversation with him. Depending on his reaction, you decide. Really, if by some reason he can't handle such a conversation with you, how the hell is he supposed to deal with a serious relationship?

I don't mean to be rude...it's just that I always say things as they are. If it's black, it's black. If it's bad, it's bad....no excuses. "Capiche"?

PS: Again, sorry

October 8, 2007, 5:10 PM

The problem with your boyfriend's ex sound similar to what happened with one of my boyfriend's friends.

My boyfriend's friend was dating a someone for a little while. I don't know the whole story... Anyways, she threaten to commit suicide if he didn't not stay with her. She had many problems with her parents, and was very depressed. As her boyfriend, he always tried to make her feel better. They finally broke up and this effected him. He's too paranoid to get into another relationship, and has been avoiding relationships at all cost.

It is tough to gain another persons trust after a terrible relationship. =/ As Lirael said, the best thing to do is to show him that he can trust you. It will take a while to gain that trust.