Jokes.

February 22, 2008, 6:25 AM

It's been a while since I heard a decent joke. so I am starting a joke thread.

Three co-workers were all at work, hungover from a party they had the previous night.
Worker #1 says "Man, I was so drunk last night I nearly passed out at my door."
Worker #2 says "I was so drunk, I couldn't see straight ahead of me."
And Worker #3 says "Oh yeah? I was so wasted, I blew chunks last night."
Worker #1 replies "That doesn't sound too bad"
"No, you understand...", Worker #3 says, "Chunks is my dog..."

O_o lol

February 22, 2008, 12:25 PM

The Emperor of China had recently lost his best Samurai, his personal guard.
He decided to organise a tournament to find the best remaining Samurai.
In the last round of the tournament, the Emperor said "As a final test of your worthiness to become my new personal guard, you must display your skill with a blade."
A Chinese Samurai gets up, unsheathes his sword and there is a swish through the air. A fly falls to the floor, perfectly sliced in half.
Then a Japanese Samurai gets up, takes his sword out and there is a whoosh through the air. A fly falls to the floor, cut into four precise pieces.
A Jewish Samurai then stands and whips his blade out, and unleashes a quick flurry of thrusts, but the fly happily glides out the window.
"Shame on you," says the Emperor. "You failed to kill the fly."
"Ah," says the Jewish Samurai "but circumcision is not meant to kill"

February 23, 2008, 1:33 AM

The joke about blowing chunks is pretty awesome.

The samurai one isn't funny, but it's clever.

And all the jokes I know are racist, so I'll keep 'em to meself.

February 23, 2008, 1:37 AM

DoaJ told me this one the other day, I thought it was pretty funny.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... ) Three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT.'
He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh, shit.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

March 2, 2008, 5:03 PM

That shit funny XD

Ok, heres one:

~Woman's Diary of a Five Day Cruise~

-Day 1: I'm finally made it to a cruise ship! I'm so honored because I was invited to the captains bridge!

-Day 2: I spent all day with the captain today. I had a good time!

-Day 3: The captain made an unprofessional proposal today. I was quite uncomfortable.

-Day 4: The captain made a threat that if I don't accept the proposal that he'd run the ship into a cliff wall.

-Day 5: Today was a good day. I managed to saved 1600 people!

March 2, 2008, 6:04 PM

When God created Adam and Eve he had to decide who will pee while standing.
"Pick me!" scremed Adam "I wanna!"
So God asked if Eve wanted to pee while standing. She didn't mind. And so God gave Adam the ability to stand while taking a piss. However, Adam didn't stay calm. Instead he ran around on the beach and drew little circles and squares on the shore of the sea with his piss.
"So..." said Eve, "Is there anything else you have to create, God?"
"I have to give him brains, Eve. Brains..." replied God.

March 2, 2008, 6:11 PM

Those last two were pathetic.

Why did the man take a ladder to the party?

Because the drinks were on the house. ;D
First joke I ever learned.

March 2, 2008, 6:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bond

Those last two were pathetic.

Why did the man take a ladder to the party?

Because the drinks were on the house. ;D
First joke I ever learned.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Shut up.

March 3, 2008, 5:25 AM

good joke L. quite original.

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Paul that was born just a head. As he grew up, he fell in love with his neighbor, Tracy. Tracy always gave him company and was very friendly. Well, the prom was coming up and Tracy was crying cuz she had no date. Paul, saddened, began crying and at that moment, a fairy godfather appeared. "I will grant you one wish." he said, and Paul asked for a body. Poof! When Paul got the body, he called Tracy to ask her to the prom. She accepted.

The next day, Paul got ready for the prom. He got a tux and everything. But when he went to pick Tracy up, he got ran over by a steamroller.

Morel of the story:

"Quit while you're ahead."

March 3, 2008, 5:30 AM

Fail to see the point to the last one...

Whats the difference between a husband a boyfriend?

45 minutes...

Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About 20 kgs.

See, they even each other out!