Addis Hellfire

November 28, 2007, 4:18 AM

ORPG

Name: Addis Hellfire
Title: Barom Grimms
Race: Bangaa - Seem like tall Lizards who walk on two legs. Most Bangaa are well built and physically strong.
Gender: Male
Age: 19

Appearance: Addis has red and black scails (black out side, red for the belly area/neck/etc.). His eyes are like small red pinpoints. He stands at about 5'9 and weighs 210 lbs. Despite being a Bangaa, Addis is physically weak - so weak that some people think he may be sick. Addis wears red robes at all times. The robes have pictures of dragons along the sleeves, the hood, and the back. Along his wrists, he wears two grey and red braclets that have a gem in the middle (see weapons for more details).
Picture: http://www.wizards.com/dnd/images/dl...DLCS_PG216.jpg

Personality: Addis tends to be anti-social and usually avoids people like a plague. He can usually be seen reading random books or practicing his magic. To him, only two things matter: Magic and Power. Since having strong magic gives power, he is always trying to learn new spells and perfect the ones he already knows. Addis is also a pyromaniac, loving to set fires as well as watch them. On occasion, he would form a small orb of fire and watch it hover in his hand for hours. He has gone to prison a few times, but keeps on getting released for good behavior. Being the runt of the Bangaa race has caused him to become the target of many insults, which made him hateful and anti-social. However, he is loyal to friends, but it is not determined how loyal he is, for his last friend died in a freak fire.

First Impression: Addis wouldn't try and get into a conversation unless if he needed help, and if he was asking, he'd probably whisper. Addis walks like any normal Bangaa would, just he avoids eye contact as if it would be the death of him.

Weapon: Wristblades - the two bracelets hold wristblades which come out according to his thoughts. The blades themselves are red, partially because of the metal and partially due to blood-stains. The orbs on the bracelets allow Addis to channel energy into the blades, much like the Steiner & Vivi combo. The crystals also link with Addis' mind, allowing him to draw them while others cannot.

Armor: Red robe - The dragons, if given a close inspection, reveal runes along their scails. The runes give make the robe as hard as plate mail, but soft to the touch.

Magic Drawback: Tires from casting spells
Magic Class: Red
Spells:
Fire (Fire)
Fira (Fire2)
Firaga (Fire 3)
Bolt (Thunder)
Ice (Ice)
Cure (Cure1)
Cura (Cure2)
Esuna
Flare
Protect
Shell
Haste

Brief History: Addis was born weak and frail, thus causing him to be constantly harrased by others. His father, being a proud Dragoon, constantly tried to teach him the "art" of combat. When Addis showed no skill with Spear or Sword and proved to weak to wear most kinds of armor, the father decided to hire a human Red Mage who just happened to be in Sprohm to see if Addis had potential. When Addis mastered his first fire spell within minutes after being taught it, the mage decided to request if he could take Addis with him and train him. Addis was raised more by the Red Mage, named Jozan Dumarr, then by his own father, whom he forgot the name of. However, one day (about 2 years ago), it became apparent that Jozan had enemies, but Addis didn't know who they were and was forbidden to worry about that. However, one day those enemies found the two at an inn, and assasinated Jozan. Flying into a rage, Addis torched the whole inn and everybody inside with consective fire spells. All Addis knows is his master was assasinated by a Viera, Moogle, and a Human. Now, he seeks only two things in life: Power and Revenge. However, he has no idea where to start on his quest for revenge.

November 28, 2007, 5:06 AM

Believe me...you're going to need A LOT more than that...did you even bother to take a brief look at mine? It would've provided a decent example...

November 28, 2007, 5:10 AM

May be i should think about this for a while

November 28, 2007, 5:52 AM

Edited the profile. Now, hopefully it's not to similar to anybody else's.

December 1, 2007, 7:56 PM

Definitly need more detail on your magic for sure. You need to explain it more like exactly what it does. Look at some experienced Rpers Characters to get ideas.

December 7, 2007, 8:31 PM

You should work on your spell descriptions and maybe attempt to create original ones based on what you know.

Also (of what I remember) :
-Date of Birth
-Birthplace (with brief description)
-Concerns and Setbacks
-Goals

For more reference, there are threads around here that should help you to make your bio more detailed

December 11, 2007, 7:19 PM

Well, now that I am retired from critiquing and on to approving, let's have a looksee...

Well, to start off, I've found the majority of the stuff at the beginning alright. My only issue to start off with is the armor.

Why? Because you make a completely contradictory statement there. You say it's 'hard as plate mail' but 'soft to the touch.' What I THINK you're trying to say is that it is just as hard as plate mail to break, but it feels very soft; or possibly, you could be making it as flexible as cloth, but as hard as plate mail. Indestructibility and hardness are independent of each other.

Prior to that, though, the allusion to FFIX is a little odd. Nothing wrong with that, just pointing out that making an allusion to an unoriginal concept for an original character can raise originality doubts in the members' minds.

This is an original character, and as a general rule of thumb, we try to keep the abilities of our characters original. Now, some things like blasting a fireball or something are bound to happen with spellcasters, but those are so widely used that they are negligible. However, since you are specifying Final Fantasy spells for an original character, this is not suggested.

Either way, regardless of the fact that they are FF based, you have literally no description of appearance. For every spell and ability you have, you should describe the appearance of that ability, how long it takes to execute, how much energy it takes, etc.

Not only this, but you should state the effects of the spells and the strength of these effects. There is nothing in there that gives us an idea of how long these last, how much damage they do/absorb, etc.

Your history is fine, if a little lacking in grammar (yes, I am a Grammar Nazi

).

For now, [NOT APPROVED], but it looks like a good skeleton. Just brush up on the things that I pointed out, and you should be able to get this thing approved

**Battle Royale: Profiles** · July 8, 2008, 10:31 PM

Since it has been over 7 months since this bio has had any activity, and since no changes to the bio have been made, I am closing this thread and moving it to 'Retired.'

If you wish to have your character looked at for approval, please PM me and I will move the thread back.

[Thread Closed & Moved.]